Chapter 38 A well written letter

Disclaimer: the characters and all recognisable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer- this is a work of fan fiction, except for the legends and histories of the Quileute which, of course, belong to them. I pay my respects to their gods.

Thanks to BanSidhe for betaing

She cleared out her phone memory without even reading any of the messages; there was no point.

She wrote out her letter to Paul and gave it to Quil to give to him; she had a feeling if Jake delivered it, it might make matters worse. She basically said that she could not deal with his flirting anymore; the way he ignored her; the way he was not there for her (and the baby) when they needed him. He had not done any preparation for the baby; wouldn't even go to birth classes with her. He stressed her out too much, without helping her at all, at a time when she needed all her energy to concentrate on the baby. He didn't hold her hand; he gave her no PDA's other than fucking her everywhere. She had more sex in stairwells, doorways, alleys and parks than in bed or even inside. She couldn't deal with it anymore. He was to leave her alone and not contact her. She did not want to see him.

She would let him know when (or if) she wanted to see him again.

She sealed it up and thought of a few more things she hadn't added. He had not contributed a thing to the baby. Not even bought one little blanket, stuffed toy or pack of nappies. She knew he thought of Buddy as alive but he wasn't contributing anything to when he actually got out. She knew he didn't have a lot of money, but heck who did these days? He was the father and he had contributed nothing other than the initial sperm donation. Not even a pacifier.

She thought of Jake's hand made ornaments, or Seth's hand spun and woven blanket. They meant far more than things people had bought. Paul hadn't made anything and she was also sure that he had not made a nursery in his house for Buddy either. He was going to be here in a month; maybe less. How much effort did it take to clean out a room; give it a coat of paint and find a second hand cot or something?

How much effort did it take to discuss where he was going to live? Not that he had asked them to live with her or ever suggested it. Nor had he ever suggested they would be together after the birth. No talk of marriage or living together. They had never got round to discussing it. Too much action and not enough talk.

She had never told him that she loved him and now seemed like the wrong time to do it too; some sort of sick consolation prize. Oh by the way, I love you, but I don't want to be with you? Maybe if she had said it to him, he might have said it back? But then what would that mean; if it was just a response? What if he didn't mean it?

She stayed at Kathleen's; she was alone too much to stay at home with Charlie and everyone was worried about her being alone. Whether she fell and hurt herself or went into early labour or whether they were worried about Paul approaching her she didn't know.

Evidently Charlie had finally pulled a gun on Paul at the station when he went there to look for her. God knows what Paul thought he was going to do if she was there; drag her out of a building full of armed men? But it had frightened Charlie and he didn't frighten easily. He was really happy she was at Kathleen's and well guarded.

The stairs at the shop were hard but she managed it, if she went slowly. She was breathless a lot now; Buddy barely gave her room to breathe. She had terrible dreams; lots of losing things and being lost. Frightening dreams of being alone. She wasn't sure if that was the pregnancy or not. She had nanna naps like an old lady; kept falling asleep every time she sat down in a chair.

Jake was incredible and so was Kathleen. They were the best friends a girl ever had. Kathleen just refused to go the hospital; she said she might tell her why one day, but hospitals had bad memories for her. Just the smell was bad enough she had said. But other than that, everything was taken care of. The birth was planned to take place at the medical centre in La Push. She had been going there for classes with Jake and it meant Buddy would be Quileute as Billy and the Council had required.

She was rarely alone; by design she suspected. Between them all, babysitting Claire occasionally with Quil and lots of lying around feeling sorry for herself, she got by. Charlie dropped in most nights. She cooked for everyone until she could no longer reach anything; she couldn't bend to the lower cupboards, or get close enough to reach anything higher up. She taught Jake some useful recipes while she sat at the table and he filled in… again.

Embry, Seth and Leah showed up too, to baby sit her. She and Leah got on pretty well now. Mostly they didn't talk; didn't need it. They were covering for Jake's pack duties too between them. Everyone was very careful not to even say Paul's name while she was around.

She and Jake went to the birth classes and most people assumed he was the father if they were out together. He was always more affectionate than Paul had ever been. She got tired of denying it and just smiled and nodded if people made comments. Jake always held her hand when they were out and he squeezed it occasionally as if he knew what she was thinking.

It was really noticeable now, how much people touched her stomach.

A couple of nights she had convinced Jake to sleep with her; just sleep. He didn't fit in the bed any better than Paul had. She needed to be held by someone large, masculine and warm. He seemed happy to fill in for that too with his long arms wrapped around her; feeling his strong heartbeat against her back. Yet again she wondered why her life was not with him.

She didn't hear from Paul, but she had told him not to contact her or to see her, so what did she expect? But he didn't even write her a letter or send her some flowers or anything.

She had a couple of days where she just cried and Jake (always Jake) just held her.

So at 39 weeks pregnant she was having a very bad day. Renee rang every day to ask if anything had happened yet and it drove her crazy.

"Are you feeling okay?" Jake asked her as she got up for what must be the thirtieth time that day to go to the bathroom.

"My back aches and I have to go to the bathroom …again…and I keep wetting myself anyway." She and Jake pretty much had no secrets anymore about this whole body thing. Well mostly, she had no secrets; it was hard to help someone give birth without seeing them naked.

"Bella?" he sounded doubtful, "Are you sure you're not in labour?"

"There's no contractions and I don't think my waters have broken. No, it can't be…I didn't get a big splash or anything…like in the movies…you know."

He rolled his eyes, "Honestly, did you listen at those classes? The back ache could be contractions." He threw down his motor magazine and felt her stomach, "Whoa that's tight. Real life Bells, not the movies." He looked worried, "You go to the bathroom, and I will call the midwife and ask."

There was blood in the water and she knew Jake would not let her stay home. After washing her hands, "Bloody show," she announced up the hallway. Thank goodness she remembered what that was called; he would have never let her live that down. She got her bag and got ready to go to the clinic; he was calling Charlie and then Quil while she waited patiently.

"So the phone tree is activated?" she asked.

"More like the howling tree," he chuckled. He gave her a hug, "Wow it's really happening…your bag is in your car, all packed, so let's go."

"Will someone let Paul know?" she tentatively suggested.

"Sure sure Bells," Jake consoled her. "He's first on Quil's list."

FF_2154210_ - - 26/10/2010 06:33:00 PM