Amy sat in Jacqui's living room, resting her hands on her stomach, staring at the TV, not focusing on it. If Andrea knew what Amy was going to tell Jacqui, Andrea would kill her in a heartbeat. So many promises were made, so much planning went into this, and for Amy to just... Andrea would be so disappointed in her. She wanted to cry when she thought about it.
"Are you sure you don't want anything to eat?" Jacqui asked, sitting down beside her, handing her a glass of water.
"I'm not hungry." She set the glass on the coffee table. "I came to talk to you. It's about...my life, actually."
"Are you worried about the baby?" She searched her face. "Don't be. Your mother and Andrea were a little sickly during their pregnancies, but their babies were healthy."
"I know." She swallowed. "I dropped out of college."
"Oh." Jacqui shook her head. "I see."
"I hate to waste their money, but I can't keep up with my classes and the baby." Her eyes filled with tears. "I don't want to either. I am so sick of lectures and teachers, and I've just about had it with the dean. It's so much pressure, and Andrea only makes it that much worse."
"Dry your eyes, honey." She rubbed her back, but Amy sobbed. "It's quite all right to be upset."
"She wants me to be everything she wasn't." She sniffed. "Straight A's, honors... She keeps pushing me. "Get a nanny for the baby, and you can finish your law degree", "David can handle the baby, Amy, and I'll be here to help", and my personally favorite, "When this baby's born, I think you should consider transferring to a better school". God, I know David had money, and I'm intelligent, but I don't want any of that."
"Tell her that then."
"I can't. Ever since Mom and Dad... Ever since they died, Andrea's been my mother figure, and I am so grateful for that, but I need a sister right now, not a mother. I'm going to have a baby, and I need her help there." She ran a hand through her hair. "I...quit school months ago."
"What?"
She nodded. "When I lost..." She inhaled slowly and rubbed the back of her neck, "When Merle and I broke up after I miscarried, I dropped out. It was too much before then, and I couldn't do it anymore. I don't want to be a lawyer of any kind. I want to be a teacher. I love little kids and teaching, but if I tell Andrea that, she'll...have a stroke."
Jacqui laughed.
"Are you laughing at me?" She wiped her eyes.
"Yes."
"That is so rude. I'm really panicking, Jacqui! Do you have any idea how much money Phillip loaned me for college? I have scholarships, but I needed a bit more for the books and moving out there and back. Andrea's gonna kill me. Or worse."
"What's worse than death by Andrea."
"She's sic Mama Crowley on me." She wiped her eyes with her sleeve, and Jacqui laughed. Amy smiled. "She's such a bitch." She took a drink of water to rid her mouth of the slimy texture caused by the crying.
"I have an idea."
"What's that?" She met her eyes.
"Tell Andrea, and I do mean in person then go to school to be teacher. You're great with kids, and when Andrea sees how happy you are, she'll understand... I sound like an ABC Family special."
"You really do." Amy giggled. "But thank you. If I can tell her how I feel, I might not completely break her heart."
"Why are you so worried about this? She's just your sister."
"I owe everything I have to her," Amy admitted. "She worked so hard to get herself through school and raising me too. Dale was great, but he had to work to keep the bills paid and us feed. I've always felt like I owe Andrea...so much, because she sacrificed so much for me growing up. She studied all the time, worked when she wasn't studying, and she got to enjoy being a teenager, not really." She sighed deeply. "She worked her ass off to get a job working at Phillip's company, and she didn't want me to work that hard for most of my life like she did. She wanted things to be easier on me, and I feel like I'm spitting in her face, like I'm being ungrateful. I'm not at all ungrateful. I appreciate everything she's ever done for me, but I need to live my life. It's my life, and I've made so many mistakes already. I can't live in a nice house, financially secure and married to a man who I love as a friend, drowning in a sea of regrets. I can't do it."
"Looks like you have an answer."
"Is it sad that dropping out of school is the biggest secret I have?" She took a drink of water.
"Only to the entire world."
"For that, I'm not naming my baby after you. Oh, and speaking of names, I'm apparently going to have "David Jr". Yeah, I just shuddered."
"She's not letting you name the baby?" Jacqui stared.
"She's manipulative bitch, and I hate her. She's enough to make me want to be a single mother. I'm really considering it."
"David's a good man, so just elope."
"I'm considering that too. I have a car ready and clothes packed." She eyed the ring on her finger and slightly listened to Jacqui inviting her for dinner. How do you tell a man who loves you that you're in love with someone else? Merle was the reason they got together, and the reason they would break up. She would rather be a single mom and let David visit from time to time than marry him and his family. Her mind was made up. It didn't matter if Merle would ever want her back, it mattered that she wanted him now. If she wanted him, there was no room for David, and that was cruel.
If only Andrea didn't insist on Amy having the life of having every little thing handed to her. She wondered who this decision would hurt more: David or Andrea's image for a perfect family?
––
Michonne looked over the list Lori had made for Rick when she suckered him into buying the crib and changing table for the baby. They both required some assembling, but that was fine. Michonne often had to assemble stuff—entertainment centers, book shelves, things like that. It was almost a hobby. But putting together Lori's crib and changing table was not how Michonne had planned for today to go.
Rick managed to fit the boxes into the trunk, Michonne found a series of picture messages from Carl and Unique, and she shook her head and kept them since they would probably ask about them when she and Rick returned home.
"You drivin'?" He squinted over at her.
"Sure."
"You okay? Been kinda silent."
"I'm fine." She reached for the keys then stopped. "You know what? You can drive. I need to call Beth, see how Carl and Unique are."
He watched her get into the car, dialing the number to the phone Carl had gotten for his ninth birthday, and he knew something was wrong with her. He knew it was Lori and the baby. Rick didn't know if the child truly was his, but with Shane dead, Rick had to do everything he could for that baby. Shane was still his best friend, and as Shane was Carl's godfather, Rick would probably be the godfather to Shane's baby, even with all of the tension and hate that had been brewing between them. Rick didn't owe Shane, and he definitely did not owe Lori, but he couldn't let her do this alone. He couldn't.
Michonne was silent as they drove to Lori's house to set up the baby's belongings in Lori's room, Rick found her looking over pictures when he glanced over at her, and she had a small smile on her face. They needed to talk about it, otherwise Michonne would think Rick lied to her about the baby's biological father, and that wasn't the case. He just had to help her. She wasn't a good wife, but she was a good mother. She just needed a hand, and this kindness only went so far.
"Traffic?" Michonne looked up from her phone.
"Could be a crash." He shrugged. "Looks like we'll be stuck here for a while."
"I'm glad we took my car then." She slid her phone into her back pocket. "Music? I have a lot of CDs in here."
"I'd rather talk."
"Okay. How did we get roped into buying Lori's baby stuff?" She met his eyes. "I have a few opinions. One of them is Lori has you wrapped around her finger, and another one is Carl suckered us into it by calling her then forcing the phone off on you, and somehow convinced you to spend your only day off buying baby stuff for her. Or it could be an unknown reason. Unknown to me, anyway."
"You think I'm wrapped around Lori's finger?"
"She has too much power over you."
"Too much power over me?" He frowned.
"Are you repeating me to make a point or are you asking yourself?" She searched his eyes then shook her head. "You were married for...what? Eighteen years? I can understand having a close bond, but you didn't end on good terms. Why do you let her do this to you? Putting together her crib? Buying the baby's mattress and clothes and toys? Is this baby yours? That's the only way I can understand this."
"The baby ain't mine," he assured her. "It's complicated."
"I hate when you say that." She undid her seat belt and got out of the car, walking away.
"Michonne." He followed her. "Where are you goin'?"
"To see what the hell is holding up traffic."
He fell into step beside her, and they walked to the site of where a car had crashed. There was a pool of blood, the officers told them to stay back, and Michonne saw the paramedics carrying something small into the ambulance, and she slipped through. She heard them calling after her, but she knew something went badly wrong. She knew that blood wasn't from the crash. Her gut told her what happened here, and when her eyes fell on the body of Jane Doe, she knew she was right.
"You can't do that." Rick grabbed her forearms. "C'mon, let's..." He trailed off as he followed her gaze, and he stared in horror.
The car accident only killed one person, and it was a woman in her mid-thirties. She was about thirty-eight weeks pregnant, but died instantly in the collision. The paramedics did an emergency C-section to save the child, and they were able to do just that. The baby girl was rushed to the hospital, and Jane Doe was gently being rolled toward the coroner's van. It was a miracle for the child, but a tragedy for the mother who will never hold or see her baby. Later that day Jane Doe was officially discovered to be Lori Grimes.
"That's—that's Lori's car." Rick walked slowly toward it, as if drawn. "Carl's soccer team sticker..." He looked over at the pool of still-wet blood. "No. No, no, no." He shook his head and backed up, Michonne felt her heart break as he fell to the ground, curling up, crying, disbelieving. "God, no."
She lowered herself down on her knees beside him and pulled him to her, lifting his head off the ground. He wrapped his arms around her and cried into her neck. His entire body shook as he sobbed, and she just held him tightly. She wasn't fond of the woman, but she didn't deserve this. It shouldn't have gone this way. Lori should have been at home, waiting for Rick and her to bring all that baby shit they just bought, and Michonne and Lori would have words when Rick wasn't in the room. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Why in the hell she was out here?
He felt like his heart was breaking. He'd lost so much, gained so much, and it wasn't... He could barely process it anymore. He loved Shane like a brother, and Shane died in alone in a field with no one there to be with him. And Lori. God, Lori was his everything for the longest time. He loved her with everything he had. He would have given his life for her. They were finally starting to get comfortable, no more bitter comments were being made about Michonne or him, and this happens. That child will never know what kind of woman her mother was. That child will never see her face in real time, hear her laugh or know her voice. She'll never know her mother or her father. That weighted down on him more than anything. And Carl...
Michonne helped him to stand once the tears had gone from his eyes, and she helped him back to the car. He stared out the window, and she took them home. Carl and Unique were waiting, all giggly and smiling, and Michonne asked Beth to take them to get ice cream before she made Rick come inside.
"Have fun." She smiled and sighed deeply once they disappeared around the corner. Michonne guided Rick into the house, he fell onto the stairs, his eyes so hollow, and she put on some tea to calm his nerves.
Rick could hear a vigorous cry from a child in his ears, and he saw Carl, bloody and unconscious on the forest floor. He saw Sophia, hair dyed, eyes swollen with tears, shaking with fear. He could still feel his son's warm blood on his hands. And he saw the car, the twisted metal, the smoke and the blood. He could see Lori's small body cut open, bleeding, and her eyes so lifeless and glassy. He could see it as if he actually saw her face, as if he had been there when they removed that weak baby girl from her womb. Why? He'd been asking himself that for the past hour. Why her? Why was she there at exactly the wrong moment? Why was she not looking at the road? Was it her fault? A mechanical malfunction? Someone else? What?
Michonne filled a cup and went to give it to Rick, but he wasn't on the steps anymore. She looked around and found the front door wide open and her car wasn't there. She set the mug down, grabbed her keys, and hurried out the door, pulling it shut behind her. She slipped her hands into her jacket and walked down the block, looking for him. She didn't even hear the car start. She was so focused on trying to help him grieve that she blocked out all sound.
She walked around for hours, looking for him, asking her neighbors, asking Beth to watch the kids a little longer, and she went to the site of the crash to see if he was there, borrowing her neighbor's car since Rick's was at Lori's house, and she drove around to look for him. She thought of a place where he might be, but she came up empty when she looked. She needed to talk to Carl about Lori before anyone told him. He needed his father to be there as well. If she could just find him.
She called Beth at six. "Hey, it's me. How are the kids?"
"Sleepin'. They had a lot of sugar and passed out on the couch." She paused. "I heard about the crash on the news. They only called her Jane Doe, but...it was Lori, wasn't it?"
"Yes."
Beth whimpered. "God, is that why Rick—?"
"Yes. Please, don't tell Carl. We'll talk to him when we get home. I'll be there soon."
"O—okay." She took a deep breath. "Be careful."
"I will be."
"Bye."
She tried to call Rick's phone again, but he didn't answer. She was beginning to think he dropped it. He would have to answer it eventually. She sighed as it rang and rang, and she ended the call. She wondered if Martinez could locate him. He should be at the office now. She called Ceasar and waited for him to pick up.
"Martinez."
"It's Michonne. I need you to do me a favor."
"What kind of favor?"
"I need you to track Rick's phone."
"This is about Lori. The coroner just identified her. He's going to call her next of kin." He sighed. "I'm on it. I will text you the location."
"Thanks."
"No problem."
She hung up and checked her watch. It was almost time for dinner, and the kids would get worried when she and Rick haven't returned. She hoped Martinez located him fast, because when the called the next of kin, Lori's parents would call to check in on Rick and Carl. "Oh, shit."
The baby. She'd forgotten about the baby. It was in NICU, no doubt. With Lori dead, Shane dead and Rick somewhere, no one would be there for the baby. Unless her parents come down once they call. It wouldn't surprise her. There might be a custody battle with Rick, but the child would have to be his. If the child was his...what the hell were they going to do?
Her phone rang, and she read the text Martinez sent. She frowned and wondered why in the hell Rick would ever go there. She dropped her phone in the passenger seat and turned the car on, driving to the location Martinez found Rick's phone in, worrying even more about his mental state. In a horrible way, Lori had the last laugh. This would never leave him.
She parked in front of the junkyard and climbed out of the car. She waved at T-dog then made her way to the back, finding Rick, an axe and her car. Well, what was left of her car. He pulled a Lizzie Borden on her car, and her car was both Mother and Father. If it wasn't for the crappy junkyard where they'll find the vandalized car, she would be even more pissed. They could blame it on teenagers this way.
She slowly approached him. "Rick?"
His wild blue eyes met hers, and he pointed the axe at her, she held her hands up as a gesture of peace, and he stumbled back.
"It's just me, Rick." She closed the space between them and touched his shoulders; he jerked back and dropped the axe. "Rick?"
"She's dead," he murmured.
"It's all going to be all right, I assure you. We'll go home and talk about this. Carl needs to know."
"No." He stared at her. "This won't happen."
"What won't happen?" She frowned. Was he talking about their relationship? Going home? Telling Carl? "Talk to me."
"This will never happen to you or to Carl or to Unique." He pointed to the car. "I'll make sure of it. I—I'll keep you safe. I will. I—I swear."
She stepped closer and set her hands on his cheeks. "I know you'll keep me and our kids safe. I trust you with our lives, and what happened with Lori was nobody's fault."
"It coulda been you or me... Jesus Christ, it coulda been Carl in that car."
"But it wasn't. Carl and me and Unique are fine. Lori's baby is fine."
"The baby? The baby—she's alive?"
"I assume so. I've been looking for you, so I don't know, but I'm sure she's just fine."
He grasped her hands on his cheeks. "Carl... He needs to know, and the baby..."
"Let's take this one step at a time. We'll get Carl, we'll tell him and figure out the rest. We'll get through this together. Come on." She stepped back and pulled him with her. She guided him to the car, he sat in the passenger seat and ran his hands down his face, his eyes red and swollen, but she didn't see any tear stains. She quickly grabbed the axe and set it in the truck. It couldn't be teenagers if Rick's prints were all over the weapon used to vandalize her car.
She drove them home. Beth left when they arrived, because they needed to be alone. Carl and Unique were sitting quietly on the stairs, and by the look on Carl's face, he knew about Lori. His big blue eyes filled with tears when Rick and Michonne opened the door, Unique held his hand, and Michonne watched as Rick carried himself over to Carl, hoping he wouldn't run away from his son.
Rick fell to his knees in front of Carl, Carl wrapped his arms around Rick's neck and cried deeply, and Rick held him tightly. Unique walked over to her mother, Michonne took her hand and sat down on the stairs, pulling Unique onto her lap and setting a hand comfortingly on Carl's back. Unique did what Michonne would do whenever she was upset, she rubbed Rick's back. It made Michonne smile a little.
They would get through this. It wouldn't be the same, but they would get through this. There were going to be a lot of changes, and Michonne wasn't entirely sure Rick or Carl would fully get over her death, but who can get over the death of someone who you've loved for years? Who could possibly get over their mother's death? No, neither of them would get over this, they would just have to make a place for her in their hearts. Eventually, they wouldn't mind having to carry that around. Michonne hoped to get there someday herself.
When the tears stopped, Carl wanted to see the baby, make sure she was alive and healthy. Michonne sent him to wash up, Rick as well, and she and Unique waited outside. Rick and Carl joined them after having a talk, and they went to the hospital. Carl was silent, and he stared down at his sneakers for the entire ride. Rick stared outside, squeezing his hand around his wedding ring tightly, and he clenched his jaw tightly. The air was so cold and so unfamiliar. It made Unique shudder, and Michonne noticed. They had a lot to work out, especially with the baby.
In the NICU ward of the hospital, they found baby girl. There were two other babies inside, but the one they were looking at resembled Carl and Lori so much. She was tiny, but not as tiny as the others. Lori was a few weeks from her due date, and the nurse was gently with her, so that was good. The nurse was Lilly Chalmers, and it was surprising. Michonne couldn't see how Lilly could be around such risks. You never know with premature babies, and after Meghan... That's a strong woman.
Lilly glanced over and smiled at them then exited and walked over to them. "I was starting to get worried."
"How is she?" Rick asked, gazing at the baby.
"She's doing really well. Lori had good blood serum, so that'll help." She crossed her arms. "She looks just like Lori, don't you think?"
"She looks like you, Carl." Rick looked down, and Carl smiled a little.
She stepped closer to Michonne. "If you want, we can check—"
"No. This baby's coming home with us," Michonne told her. "When she's able, she's coming home with us."
Rick glanced over and took a hold of her hand, not saying anything. He didn't need to.
"Okay." Lilly lowered her arms. "We're calling her Baby Girl Grimes for now. Do you have a name for her?"
"Not yet," Rick replied.
"Well, just let me know when you have a name for Baby Girl Grimes." She glanced over as one of the nurses waved her in. "Excuse me." She went back inside.
Michonne felt her phone vibrate, and she went outside and answered it. It was Carol. They spoke briefly, Michonne told her about Lori, and then Rick and the kids exited the hospital. She felt bad about hanging up, but Daryl and Sophia were there. She knew they would look after her. Michonne had to look after her family now.
"You're ready to leave?" She slid her phone into her back pocket.
He nodded. "Carl needs to rest."
She nodded, and they went home. Carl went straight to his room, Unique sat in the living room, and Rick had to call Lori's parents back, because they left ten messages on the answering machine. Michonne tended to Unique then checked in on Carl.
"Where's my dad?" Carl looked at her through poufy, red-rimmed eyes.
"He's downstairs, talking to your grandparents." She pushed his bangs back. "Don't worry about him though. I'll take care of him."
"Where did she go?" Carl sat up. "My mom. Where did she go?"
"To Heaven."
"No. That's not what I mean. Where did she go? What does it mean to die? Where'd she go...before Heaven?"
She could explain a lot of things, but this was not one of them. No one can really explain where a spirit goes once it leaves the body. She couldn't explain why Lori would never eat or brush her hair ever again. She couldn't tell him why Lori couldn't just get back in her body and not be dead. It was unexplainable, and she didn't know how to convey that to him. He's only nine. He can't understand. That's his mother and now...she's just a body. How does anyone explain this?
"I don't know how it works, why." She shook her head. "All you can do is make a place for her in your heart and know that she loved you very, very much."
"I won't be able to see her anymore. How will she know how much I love her? I was horrible to her. I—What I said..."
"You can't think about that."
"It's all I can think about."
"She was so proud of you, Carl. She wouldn't want you to feel guilty."
He rolled onto his side away from her.
She rubbed his arm, gave a comforting squeeze to his shoulder and left. With one last glance, she closed the door and went downstairs, ordering pizza from Rhee's since she didn't want to cook, and she doubted Rick would eat at all.
"Yes, I understand."
She stopped outside the den, listening.
"I had...things to deal with." He pinched the bridge of his nose. "Yeah, uh-huh. Carl's—Carl's gonna be real excited you see y'all, and—and I'm real sorry about Lori. I—If I had known—" He paused. "I—I know it wasn't my fault. I—I shoulda been there..." She leaned in the doorway, and he sat down on the couch, running a hand through his hair. "I just—I feel like there was somethin' I shoulda done. Hell, if I know what."
She walked over to him and sat beside him.
"Yeah, I'll—I'll let him know. See you soon. Goodbye." He hung up.
She said nothing.
"I don't know what to do," he admitted. "How I can help Carl, how to handle the baby...how I'm supposed to face her parents and now... Jesus."
"You aren't in this alone." She locked eyes with him. "You have a large family, Rick, and you have me."
"I know." He gave her a small smile. "I love you." He grasped her hand. "You know that, don't you?"
"I think the engagement ring tipped me off," she mused.
He laughed a little. "That was stupid to ask."
"I don't think so, but you don't have ask. I know how you feel about me. I love you too, Rick, and you can't live life waiting for the bottom to fall out. You'll miss everything that way. Shane and Lori... You have to believe that everything happens for a reason. It'll be difficult, but that's how life goes."
"I suppose so." He set the phone down and pulled her closer, she swung her leg over his and straddled his lap, and he just studied her face. He wanted to remember her, and he wanted to know exactly what she looked like right then. "Did you mean what you said? Before about the baby?"
"I did." She slid her arms around his neck. "It doesn't matter who the father is to me, because there's no better dad for that child than you, whether or not you believe that."
"You...really don't mind?"
"I don't." She searched his eyes. "When I say I love you...it's more difficult than you think for me to say that."
"Your ex?"
"That's partly it." She paused. "Growing up, I only really had myself. My mother was busy trying to support us and my father was nonexistent, so I grew up relying only on myself. When I met my ex, I—I was young and dumb and let myself fall for him. It was a mistake, and I never let anyone get that close to me after that. You're probably the only man that's been in Unique's life for more than a few hours on the weekend."
He swallowed.
"You're the only man I've ever let get close to me, and I don't want to push you away like I have all the others. Besides, if we don't do something with that extra bedroom beside have sex in it, that Robust Raisin will go to waste." He chuckled, and she smiled. "But you have to do all the late-night diaper changings."
"That's fair, I reckon." He slid his hands down to her hips. "...I should check on Carl."
"He has some questions. I hope you can answer them better than me." She kissed him, and what was meant to be a sweet kiss slowly progressed into something hotter. His hands tightened on her hips, bringing her closer, and her hand slid up to his cheek, her thumb stroking his warm skin. Their mouths opened, he grasped the back of her neck, and she moaned softly against his lips. They both broke apart, she rested her forehead against his and he closed his eyes. This was not the time.
"Go talk to Carl. If you guys are hungry, I ordered pizza, and it'll be here soon."
"I'll try to get him to eat."
"Then I'll try to get you to eat."
"Umm, Dad?"
They looked over, Carl was in the door, Michonne stood up and stepped back, and Rick rose and walked over to him. Carl didn't mind his dad being with Michonne. They were good for each other, and he could see that. He was glad his dad had someone to talk to about adult stuff. He would appreciate not seeing the kissing, though, but he would rather be grossed out by the kissing than have a headache listening to the arguing. Michonne was right. He couldn't think about the bad stuff. His sister was alive and would be living with them, his dad was there to help him work through all of the hurt and anger, and he had Michonne, if he needed someone to talk to who wasn't his dad. He would never forget his mother, and maybe part of her will live on in his little sister. He'd like to believe that.