Moment in Time II

Chapter 38

Sleeper

"You don't believe me, do you?" Castle asked.

Esposito stared at the author. "For my money, your story about the missing two months never added up. It still doesn't."

"Okay, I get it," Castle agreed. "There are a lot of holes. Believe me, they bother me more than they could possibly bother you. I don't go a day, not even an hour without thinking about them. But there's more than that going on here Javier. Ever since Maddox, you've been different towards me, nasty, sarcastic. It's not that I don't appreciate sarcasm. I applaud its mastery, but yours hasn't exactly been in the spirit of friendship. What is your problem?"

"My problem?" Esposito retorted. "It's not my problem, it's your problem. Maybe I just don't think you're good enough for Beckett. When she's needed you the most you took off on her."

"About not being good enough for Kate, you're right," Castle agreed. "I don't know that anyone is. But I'm the one she chose, right after you almost got her killed."

"That's crap!" Esposito returned angrily.

"Oh is it? I went to her that day. I begged her not to go after Maddox. I even told her I loved her. I wanted her to stay alive for me. But she ignored all that. And it wasn't just a cop thing. She ignored everything Ryan said too. And you were so angry at him for going against her, even though he saved her fucking life. You were supposed to back her up and you couldn't do it. You let Maddox take you down and he threw her over the edge of a roof. What was that? Some kind of special forces invincibility crap, or was it some thing else?" Castle pressed. "What is Kate to you, Esposito? Really."

Esposito turned away. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Castle walked around to face him, demanding attention. "I think you do. I think you and Kate have a history that I don't know anything about. I'd be willing to bet that Ryan doesn't either. So tell me. Did you ever sleep with my wife? Or is it that you wanted to and never got the chance?"

Esposito turned away again. "You don't know anything about it."

"So tell me," Castle demanded. "Tell me where all this is coming from. Make me understand."

Esposito shook his head in resignation. "You're not going to let this drop, are you?"

Castle smiled ruefully. "That's the story of my life right now, isn't it? I can't let things drop. I can't just go on without digging, without knowing the story. So you might as well tell me."

"Alright Castle," Esposito agreed reluctantly. "You know Mike Royce was Beckett's training officer, and then her partner, right?"

Castle nodded.

"Well after Beckett moved up and Royce moved on, I came to homicide. I knew how to be a soldier, how to work robbery, but I had no clue how to work a homicide. Beckett taught me, but outside the job, she was a wreck herself. She was trying to help her father get sober. She was going through therapy to try to leave her mother's murder behind. With Mike gone, there really wasn't anyone there for her. So I filled a void, we got close, and then Will Sorenson came along. I don't know what it was, maybe because they went through losing that kid together, but they clicked. I was happy for her, but then he left her and she spiraled down again. Her father was sober by then, so she devoted herself to her work and nothing else. And I was still there for her. We went out, as friends, as fellow cops.

"Then things changed. We were working a case. This scumbag, Leland Curtis, killed his wife. He went after his kids too, but they took off and the neighbors heard the screaming and called the cops before he could run them down. Social Services placed the kids with the wife's sister and Kate and I tried to find Curtis. We had the unis canvass the whole neighborhood, we checked every bar he might hang out at, everywhere he'd ever worked. He had no cards to tag, no phone. He was totally in the wind. Beckett put a watch on the kids, but nothing was happening, so when there were reports of shots fired in the neighborhood, the unit was called away.

"Curtis had set it up. He paid some jackass to fire that gun and while the kids were unguarded, he went in and killed them, three little girls. He also shot the sister, but she survived to tell the cops who did it. We put a watch on her at the hospital and when he showed up to finish the job, we took him down. I think Kate really wanted to take him out on the spot. I know I did. But she held it together and just put the cuffs on him.

"After that we were both messed up, but Beckett even more than me. She blamed herself for the kids, especially after the one she lost with Sorenson. We went out one night, we got blasted. You can probably figure it out from there."

Castle nodded grimly.

"First and last time. Anyway, you know Beckett. She doesn't talk. She just closes down. She would never talk about what happened again. She didn't open up about anything at all, until you came along. I thought you would be good for her and so did Montgomery. I thought maybe if her mother's murder was solved, she might even be happy. That's why I gave you the file. But it didn't work that way. You almost got her killed, man. I wanted to take care of it, put an end to it. Kill the assholes responsible."

"But you couldn't" Castle interrupted. "You were mad at me, but you were really blaming yourself for giving me that file, for tearing her wounds open again. For helping put her in the cross hairs."

"And then when everything finally went down, she said you were off the team," Esposito continued. "We had a chance to take Maddox down and you just left her. I was the only one there for her. I had to back her play. Turned out I wasn't good enough."

"You're right," Castle acknowledged. "I walked away. When she refused to listen and insisted on getting herself killed, I couldn't stand to watch her die again. I'd already done it once, in the ambulance, when she was shot. I should have been stronger. But she came to me and I loved her too much send her away. I've been there for her ever since, through Bracken, through everything."

"Until you disappeared. You left her again - on her wedding day. Esposito accused. "You paid a mobster to get rid of your car, Castle, how do you explain that? How do you explain any of it?"

"I can't," Castle admitted. "You're right, I caused her a lot of pain and I'll never be able to forgive myself for that, no matter what the reason turns out to be. But Javier, she is happy now, and she is happy with me. However crazy that is, can't you accept it, for her sake?"

Esposito shrugged. "I don't know, man."

"How about for floor seats and driving my Ferrari for a month - and I'll give you back your dirty pen. Kate hates it anyway."

Esposito laughed despite himself. "Yeah bro, for her not you, I'll try to give it a shot."