Chapter 38
Monday, April 20
9:03 am
Welcome to homeroom, the shittiest waste of time there is where all I do is update my Facebook and twitter.
10:29 am
Ewww, Tranny's class.
It sucks to be back here.
Ms. Transexual gave me a whole folder of makeup work, but I'm not gonna do any of it.
Tess was like, "Where were you?"
I said, "You know… places."
Cause I can't tell her, 'Oh yea, my mum was singing at the white house for Obama' cause, well, no one's supposed to know we're famous.
Even though everyone's gonna find out next week when they buy US weekly and see me on the cover.
Unless they don't buy US weekly here… Hmmm…
10:31 am
Gene texted me.
He says I get to find out who I'm marrying this Saturday.
Oh, joy is me.
10:32 am
Screw him. I am not marrying anyone!
That's it, I will run away tonight.
I'll take Miley and just run away.
10:33 am
Plus also, I will take Kim. Because what kind of a boyfriend would I be if I didn't take my girlfriend?
10:37 am
OH NO!
I can't run away!
Cause I will miss Hottie Hoffman!
10:38 am
Screw it, no running away this time.
I guess I will just have to be married to some hoe.
Sigh.
Oh well.
10:41 am
We literally did nothing today in biology.
All we did was grade a paper and then talked for the rest of the class. How lame is that? Well, it was good for me because I hate doing stupid biology worksheets, and we all know that they don't go well with me.
FLASHBACK TO TEXAS!
12:00 pm
Chuck missed me.
He hugged me when I sat down at the picnic table.
It was so weird.
I screamed, "RAPE! RAAAPEEEE!"
And Chuck just looked at me.
Oh, and there's a new kid. He's from Minnesota.
He won't talk to anyone and sits far away from us. I feel so bad. Poor kid, I remember being the new kid and not having any friends.
12:02 pm
I've decided our table is the loser table.
Oh, merde.
I mean, I'm Nate flippin' Gray.
But I guess no one knows I'm famous here.
So yes, the loser table it is.
12:12 pm
Let's play a game. Called I-Spy.
I spy with my little eye…
HOTTIE HOFFMAN!
Yowza, wearing a low-cut top! How about that?
Wait, is she coming over here...?
12:25 pm
She came over to talk about me failing her class.
I said. "Wow, I think I need a tutor!"
She smiled and said, "I'd be happy to tutor you today. Want to meet at the library today?"
"Actually, I don't have a ride anywhere. Could you possibly come to my house?"
"I guess I could… Does six work for you?"
Then I said, "IT'S A DATE!" And I blued and tripped over my words and stuttered. "I mean… you know what I mean."
"Yea, I get it."
Then she walked off.
Oh. My. Fucking. God.
How do I do it?
I am so good!
12:27 pm
OH MOTHER FUCKING SHIT!
Forgot that I'm not supposed to tell anyone my parents are famous! If Hottie Hoffman comes to my house, she'll know!
Oh, triple merde, this is not good, not good!
12:30 pm
Oh, Buddha, what do I do? I don't have French today, so I can't tell her she can't tutor me! UGHH.
4:23 pm
Oh my god, this is ass.
I went after school to find her, but her room was locked and her car was gone and so she already went home.
Fuuuucccccckkkkk.
4:27 pm
FML! FML! FML!
Gah, why am I such an idiot?
5:01 pm
Oh, bollocks, she's gonna be here in an hour!
5:02 pm
Screw it!
Who cares if she knows?
Make the best of a bad situation, right?
Dayum, I better go take a shower and have the maids clean up the house!
In the loo
I sure hope I look okay. Should I change clothes, or wear the same ones I've been wearing?
Maybe I should just change my trousers.
Yes, that sounds rather reasonable.
5:45 pm
GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!
And when I say queen, I mean me.
5:50 pm
Oh fuck!
I've managed to shave off half of one of my eyebrows!
I look like an alien!
Okay, let me explain. I noticed that I had a unibrow. Which is unacceptable if the hottest French-speaking person alive is about to come tutor me in French. So, I took my razor and carefully tried to get rid of my unibrow.
Well, too bad so sad for me, Shane crept up on me and he screamed, "BOO!"
So I screamed and lost control and… well, shaved off half my eyebrow.
Thank you so, so much Shane.
What am I gonna do?
AND FUCK! THE DOORBELL RANG!
7:05 pm
That couldn't have gone any worse.
Well, the door bell rang and I ran as fast as I could down the driveway and entered the pass code and let her in.
She wasn't expecting my house to be so big. Or for the valet guy to park her car for her. Or for the maids to massage her feet and fetch her tea.
But, that's just the way it goes in our house.
She turned to me and said, "Do guests always get treated this way at your house?"
I said, "Pretty much."
So we finally got in the kitchen and we did worksheets and stuff, and it was totally going great and I was totally fooling her into thinking I was a complete dumbshit, and then… Shane came.
He came in the kitchen, ranting away in French (cause we don't speak English at our house) and he said, "Oh, Nate, so glad you're here. Mitchie wants me to go to some vagina thing with her tomorrow and I really want to go clubbing instead. Will you go with her, please?" then he looked at Hottie Hoffman and said, "Who's the chick, Nate? Hot date? She's hot. You gonna fuck her? If you don't, I will." Then he winked at her and said in English, "Hey good lookin'."
And we both froze.
Then Hottie Hoffman said in French, "Hi, I'm Nate's French teacher. And you are?"
Shane stopped texting. "Oh… you speak French?"
Hottie nodded.
"Ohh…" Shane paused. "Well, do you want to fuck me?"
I yelled in French, "SHANE, WHAT THE HELL? YOU CAN'T ASK MY TEACHER THAT!"
Then I remembered that I was trying to fool Hottie Hoffman into thinking I suck at French! So I quickly covered my mouth.
And then Gene Simmons came into the kitchen and said, "Hey guys. What's goin' on?"
She stood up. "You know, actually, I gotta go home. Glad you can speak French now, Nate." Then she like legit ran out the door.
"CALL ME!" Shane yelled after her.
Right as she closed the door, I turned to Shane and said, "YOU RUINED EVERYTHING!"
And he said, "Oh, sorry. I didn't know you wanted to fuck her."
7:12 pm
That's it.
I'm killing myself tonight.
No go backs. It's the golden rule.
8:47 pm
Just ate some mac and cheese.
The spiraled kind.
Kelsey got it imported and our chef made some for me.
I ate it, but I was too upset to actually enjoy it. I cried. And Kelsey hugged me and told me 'everything will be all right.'
But it won't.
It will not be all right.
Nothing will.
Yea, I can have really dark and twisty moments. Jealous?
Tuesday, April 21
2:33 pm
Hell
AKA School
There is a pile of forks on the floor by my desk. I do not understand this at all.
But that's what I get for taking dumbshit regular English instead of honours like Jason wanted me to.
2:35 pm
I bet Miley Cyrus put them there just to mess with my mind. It reminds me of how much of a bitch she is.
2:39 pm
Kay, so, we're talking about Starwars and snakes.
Reminds me of that one horrible trip to Florida. You know, where I got bit by a snake?
I blame Miley Cyrus for that one, too.
3:15 pm
Rushed into Hottie's room without looking at her and sat in the back and put my head down.
I can't look at her ever again.
When your brother asks your teacher if she wants to have sex with him, it gets sooo awkward.
3:44 pm
Ummm, why does everything in my life have to suck?
I feel all gross and incesty right now.
Get this: I was just sitting there and I managed to fall asleep and so the bell rang and I didn't notice it, and no one bothered to wake me up, so it was about ten minutes after the next class had started and I was still asleep.
So Hottie Hoffman woke me up and said, "Nate…"
And I shot awake and said, "OUI MADAME?!" rather loudly.
Then I looked around and no one was in the classroom but me and her.
"We need to talk," she said.
I stood up and got all my binders. "Look, I know, I know, I'm sorry I lied. I gotta run I'm gonna be late for my next class." And I began to leave, but she said,
"It's not about that. It's about Gene Simmons."
And I turned around. "What about him?"
"Why was he at your house yesterday?"
I put down my stuff on a desk. "Well… there's actually a good reason. He, uh, was… fixing our TV, you see, and-"
"You're a bad liar."
I sighed. "God, I know."
"Tell me the real reason."
"I can't."
"Why?"
"I'm supposed to keep it a secret… but I guess you already know a lot so… here it goes… Gene Simmons is my father."
She just stared at me for a long time.
"You're supposed to say something," I said.
"Are you lying again?"
"No, I'm legit."
"Cause my real biological father is Gene Simmons."
I paused. "Legit?"
"Yea…"
"… Wow." Then there was a long awkward silence. "What are we gonna do?" I whispered.
"I don't know… I'll be at your house after school. We need to talk to Dad."
DAD?!
My French teacher just called my father "Dad."
As in we share a dad.
As in we're related.
My extremely hot teacher is my sister.
This means incest.
4:22 pm
Jason says I have a dentist appointment tomorrow.
HAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Yeah, right!
Screw him, I'm not going to see that evil dentist ever again. Not after what happened last time I was there. -Shudders-.
6:15 pm
My half-sister, Rebecca (or Becca as I call her) arrived at four thirty.
She stopped in the middle of our main hallway, threw her purse at me, and screamed, "DAD! GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE! YOU HAVE SOME EXPLAINING TO DO!"
And Gene and Mum and Shane and Jason all came out into the main formal room.
Gene looked so surprised. "Oh… Rebecca… what are you doing here?" Then he laughed all awkwardly. "Ok, well, nice seeing you. Bye."
And she said, "Oh no no no, you have a lot to explain."
It was quite hilarious because Shane said, "Ah, see, the hot ones always come back." Then he went right up next to her and said, "So are you gonna take of your pants, or should I?"
She crossed her arms. "Are you hitting on your sister?"
"I don't know. Is it working?"
She scoffed and pushed him away from her. "Sicko."
"You know you want me!" Shane yelled. Then he and Mitchie went upstairs to go have sex or something.
Gene explained everything.
Turns out, he cheated on Mum twenty some odd years ago and had a bastard child he never bothered to tell Mum about. And she was put up for adoption and she found out Gene Simmons was her real father three years ago. And she didn't tell anyone.
Sounds a bit familiar.
Anyway, Mum stepped on Gene's foot with her Stilettos and then kicked him in the balls and said, "Okay, we're even now. Let's go have sex." And then they ran off.
But Gene wants Becca to move in with us. And since she's living in a hotel, she said, "Sure, why not?"
And she's moving in tonight.
My family is so fucked beyond belief.
9:56 pm
My room
Becca moved in.
She didn't have much stuff, so it was pretty easy to shove all of the stuff from her hotel room into the guest room.
Penny's really excited about her movie in. She said, "Finally, another girl in the house!"
I asked, "What about Mitchie?"
"She's pregnant. You can't go clubbing with a preggo chick!"
10:10 pm
Went on Facebook.
New friend request from Rebecca Hoffman.
Should I add her?
I don't know cause then she might stalk me like my aunt does. One of the worst choices I've ever made was adding my aunt on Facebook.
I'll have to think about adding her.
11:31 pm
Going to bed. I need my beauty rest.