A/N: Alright, before you start calling me names, I have been very sick with a terrible cold and a horrible case of the hives thanks to the worst cough medicine ever. And even worse, I have been without a computer for a whole month! I moved and my computer has been laying unused in the basement under a pile of boxes. Without fanfiction, I have been going to bed at 10:00 for goodness sake. Don't you feel sorry now for all of those evil things you were thinking about me for taking so long with this chapter. I have been completely miserable! Anyway, I just got my computer set up yesterday, and I am posting this today in hopes that you will forgive me for taking so long. It's slightly on the short side (and not really the whole chapter), but I couldn't wait any longer! Last chapter: Hermione had just snogged the living daylights out of Malfoy and suddenly realized that those two very cute evil twins were behind it.

Naming Names

With a look of complete fury on her face, Hermione drew her wand and angrily stalked over to the twins. For some reason they seemed amused by this. Idiots.

"What the hell did you do?" she asked in a scary whisper voice that would have made even Voldemort think twice about messing with one Hermione Granger.

However, the twins only grinned back at her as though what they had just done hadn't really had catastrophic results. "Like our new potion?"

'Does it look like I Iike your new potion?" asked Hermione angrily with her hand clenched around her wand so tightly, it was a wonder she didn't snap it in two.

Hermione was so incensed that she didn't even bother to wait for their answer. Like it would really matter anyway. They would probably just have some smart response or more than likely a very stupid one indeed, so without further ado, Hermione cast her spell. Unable to think of a spell evil enough, yet not so evil it would land her in Azkaban, she decided to take down her opponents first and think up a suitable punishment later. After hitting them with matching Petrificus Totaluses, Hermione could not stop her mouth from curling up into a wicked smile as she stared down at them. She had no idea what she was going to do to them yet, but whatever it was, they totally deserved it.

Of course, it would have to be good. No ordinary curse would do for them. She would need to use her imagination. As she loomed over them menacingly, a rush of adrenaline went through her body. The power she was feeling could almost be described as orgasmic. In fact, she felt rather tingly all over. The twins were at her mercy now. Hermione could do whatever she wanted to them. She really could have her evil way with them if she wanted to and let's face it, she just might. Thinking back to her little twin fantasy involving a very delicious sandwich, she unconsciously found herself licking her lips. Of course, when she realized what she was doing, she couldn't help blushing over it. And if there was anything she was tired of (well besides Malfoy), it was blushing.

Yes, the twins had it coming but cumming inside her or all over her face wasn't the lesson that they needed to learn. They had probably learned all that the moment they reached puberty. No, she had a different lesson in mind. A much less enjoyable one. Well, for them anyway. She, of course, planned to enjoy it immensely. Shaking the torrid thoughts from her head, Hermione focused on all of the reasons why she absolutely did not want to have sex with the twins. She concentrated on all of the horrible things the twins had done to her. The pictures, the strip tease, the snogging, not to mention that frigging blow job! It was all so humiliating. And then it hit her. She knew exactly what she wanted to do to the twins. She wanted to make them suffer like she had. She wanted to see them blush. It seemed a little humiliation was in order.

Smirking, she cast a vanishing spell at them, removing all of their clothes except for their matching heart boxer shorts. She kind of wimped out at going full monty on them. And as it was a formal wedding, she decided to leave their bow ties as well. Hermione was nothing if not proper. Of course, she was also nothing if not thorough. She was far from finished with them. There was much more work to do if she wanted to come close to evening the score with them. She didn't need any distractions, so she told herself not to look down. However, everyone knows that the moment you're told not to look down, that is the one thing you are most certain to do. One little peek wouldn't hurt though, would it? Unable to help herself, she looked down at them admiring her handiwork.

That was definitely a mistake. Unfortunately, she started admiring more than just her handiwork. She was now completely and utterly distracted and wasting valuable time for revenge. It was so unfair that two evil spawns of nature could be so incredibly hot. Perhaps the evilness was part of their charm. Hermione did seem to have a thing for bad boys which was wrong. Very, very wrong. She did not need that kind of drama in her life. Her life was dramatic enough without some two bit loser fucking it up, let alone two of them. What she wouldn't give for another go at Neville and his grandmother at this very moment. Safe chaperoned sex. That is what she needed.

Shit. Did she really just think that? Was she really so horny that she was actually contemplating having sex with Neville and his grandmother? That was... completely disturbing! It must be the diadem. Yeah, because it made so much more sense that Voldemort would want to have sex with Neville and his grandmother. Of course, the thought of Voldemort having sex made her shudder, but it did get her thinking. She couldn't help wondering if Voldemort was still a virgin. Because who in their right mind would want to have sex with Voldemort? And, he was so busy torturing people and trying to rule the world that he probably hadn't made the effort. Maybe if Voldemort got laid he wouldn't be such an evil bastard and wouldn't try to overcompensate with thoughts of world domination. The world could possibly be saved if only someone was willing to step up and pop Voldemort's cherry.

Forget Harry and that stupid prophecy. She could save the world simply by rocking Voldemort's. Alright, now she was consciously thinking about shagging Voldemort. You really couldn't get more disturbing than that. It had to be the diadem. She was not that fucked up. Well, she did have sex with Goyle. Mmmm Goyle. Stop reminiscing! What was wrong with her. She could not stop thinking about sex. Maybe she was just worked up from all of the snogging. Who wouldn't get turned on after kissing George, Harry and Malfoy back to back to back? After all, George was extremely talented and Harry's kisses were so gentle and sweet yet very sexy.

And Malfoy... Oh God! Do not think about Malfoy! She should definitely not be thinking about 'that' right now while she had two half naked men at her mercy. Teenage hormones were not her friend. Of course normal teenagers probably didn't think about having sex with awkward teenagers and their grandmothers, not to mention with vicious monsters. Perhaps she was just completely insane. Yes, that was probably it. Before Hermione could think of any other disturbing people to have sex with, Mrs. Weasley kindly interrupted her thoughts.

"Hello, Hermione. Enjoying the wedding, dear?" asked Mrs. Weasley smiling as though everything was right with the world and her evil twins (now lying half naked on the ground at her feet) hadn't just spoiled her firstborn's wedding. Hermione had to get her hands on some of that calming draught the twins invented. It must be some good shit.

"Yes, Mrs. Weasley. It's lovely," said Hermione politely and then quickly muttering a 'finite' under her breath to lift the spell on the twins. Shit. She really shouldn't have looked down. She had wanted to play with them a bit more, but it seemed now wasn't the time. Perhaps she could try out that sticking charm later. Of course, Mrs. Weasley was so loopy at the moment, she might not even notice if they had their hands stuck inside their pants or even better in each other's pants. Hmmm.

When the twins started stirring, Mrs. Weasley finally acknowledged Fred and George and said goodnaturedly, "Boys. Quit loafing around. We're at a wedding for goodness sake. And George, Mr. Wee Willy Winky Pants is poking out. Please tuck him in, dear."

"Yes, Mum," grumbled George obediently tucking in the so called Mr. Wee Willy Winky Pants.

"That's a good boy. And Fred. Your tie is crooked," said Mrs. Weasley straightening his tie. "That's better. Now, don't you two look dashing. Nice choice on the heart underpants. Quite appropriate for a wedding, I must say," said Mrs. Weasley approvingly.

Hermione looked at Mrs. Weasley in shock. Had the woman not noticed that her sons were practically naked? The twins' new calming draught was freaking genius.

"Now," continued Mrs. Weasley. "You two try to behave yourselves. Fleur's parents are in a bit of a shock after all of your shenanigans during the wedding. I don't know why I'm not more angry about it."

"Probably because we're so darn adorable," said Fred giving her a boyish grin.

Or because your adorable sons drugged you with the strongest calming draught known to wizard-kind thought Hermione bitterly.

"Yes, you are adorable. Aren't they adorable, Hermione?" asked Mrs. Weasley looking fondly at her sons.

"Mmmmm," said Hermione noncommittally.

"We knew you liked us," said George grabbing her tightly in a one armed hug causing her cleavage to be even more noticeable than it already was if that was possible.

Mrs. Weasley's eyes slightly narrowed at this display and at Hermione's newfound womanliness. "Are you cold, Hermione? I could whip you up a jumper in no time," said Mrs. Weasley starting to get out her wand.

"No, thank you," said Hermione quickly. "If I do get cold, I can always put on that lovely orange jumper you so graciously knitted for me a few years ago." Well, she could have anyway, if Goyle hadn't vanished it and if she didn't mind being bald. And if that jumper hadn't been seriously ugly.

"If you say so, dear," replied Mrs. Weasley offhandedly before heading over to talk to some Weasley relatives.

Hermione turned her attention back to the twins, but the words that came out of her mouth were not the ones she had anticipated on saying. Ever. "Mr. Wee Willy Winky Pants?"

"Yes," said George indignantly and then offered rather mischievously, "Would you like me to introduce you?"

"No, thank you," replied Hermione tartly.

"No matter," replied George and then he looked smugly over at his twin. "As long as you meet him before you get acquainted with Mr. Peppy Pee Pee Perky Pants."

"Shut up, George," said Fred giving him a shove.

"Excuse me?" said Hermione, her eyes going wide and unconsciously looking down at the front of Fred's boxer shorts.

George started laughing. "Mum says that every time she changed Fred's nappy that his..."

Fred interrupted, "Well, I'd rather have a peppy pee pee than a wee willy, and I'm sure Hermione would too."

"Hey!" yelled George offended. "It's not wee anymore."

"So says you. Why don't we ask your string of ex-girlfriends about it?" Fred asked mockingly.

"Why don't you?" returned George. "And then why don't we ask yours about how long Mr. Peppy was actually peppy."

"Mr. Peppy was plenty peppy!"

"Would you two shut up already? You know, I find it very disturbing that you still use your Mum's pet names for your... bits," said Hermione uncomfortably.

"I would hardly say 'bits" is an accurate description. Well, maybe for George it is," said Fred sending a dig to his twin.

"Not bloody likely."

"That's enough," said Hermione. "Knowing you two, I'm sure you're identically impressive or disappointing, whatever the case may be."

"Impressive," said the twins in unison.

"Whatever," said Hermione. "The point is, I don't care. I have no desire to meet Mr. Wee Willy Winky Pants or Mr. Peppy Pee Pee Perky Pants. Ever."

"And why is that?" asked George. "Is it all about Mr. Smirking Stiffy Snarky Pants now?"

Fred burst out laughing, but Hermione raised her wand again. "Speaking of him..."

"Oh, so you know who we mean," interrupted George smirking.

Hermione decided to ignore him. "Did you two slip me a love potion?"

"Why?" asked Fred. "Fancy yourself in love?"

"And are you in love with Krum, Malfoy or Mr. Snarky Pants?" asked George laughing.

"This is not funny!" yelled Hermione stamping her foot and sending some stinging hexes their way.

"I don't know what you're so upset about," said Fred recovering first. "It's not like the potion makes you do anything too crazy."

Hermione stared at them in disbelief. What the hell did they think too crazy was? She had all but ripped Malfoy's clothes off. What she and Malfoy had just done was pure insanity. "It's a love potion! Of course it makes you do crazy things. Weren't you listening in Potion's class? Don't you remember what happened to Ron when he was slipped a love potion? Love potions are dangerous! I can't believe you would be so irresponsible!"

"Oh, come on, Hermione," said George rolling his eyes. "Of course, you believe we would be irresponsible enough to slip you a love potion, but the fact remains, we didn't."

"You should be... What?" asked Hermione in disbelief. "It wasn't a love potion?"

"Are you in love with Malfoy," asked Fred accusingly.

"No, of course not," began Hermione.

"Then why would you think it was a love potion," asked George.

"I, I..." stammered Hermione not exactly sure how to answer that.

"I can't believe you are in love with Mr. Snarky Pants," huffed Fred.

"I'm not and stop calling him that!" yelled Hermione starting to lose control.

"Mr. Small Salami Saucy Pants," offered George.

"How about Mr. Pallid Prick Prat Pants?" asked Fred sarcastically.

"Oh, I know," began George starting to really get into it.

"No more pet names for Malfoy's thingy!" interrupted Hermione. "Believe me, I have had quite enough of little Draco for one day and... What? Why are you staring at me like that?"

"You are on a first name basis with Malfoy's dick?" asked Fred incredulously with a hint of jealousy.

Hermione's cheeks turned scarlet. Shit. She kind of was. How it had happened, she didn't know, but she had somehow started thinking of it as little Draco. So not good. She should not be thinking of 'it' at all much less calling 'it' by 'his' first name. Shit. Shit Shit.

"It's all your fault!" said Hermione accusingly. "You made me on a first name basis with it!"

"She does have a point there, Fred."

"Shut up, George."

"What are you even thinking? You have some stupid contest going on trying to do who knows what with me, yet you keep setting me up with Malfoy. And Fred, you claim to even like me, but thanks to you, I gave Malfoy a frigging blow job! And a really good one at that! And then under the table, we… well never mind about that. Either you have some evil genius scheme that I am unaware of or you two are complete idiots!"

"Another very good point."

"Shut up, George."

"Well, it was," huffed George. "I don't want to be an idiot though, so let's go with the evil genius scheme option. Any ideas?"

"No," grumbled Fred.