A/N - Having not seen anything more officially about Jack than this episode I'm expecting this is most likely AU to some degree. It fits well with this story and the advent of James.

Enjoy.

Chapter 38 -Disorder

"How you feeling?" Callen asked as he handed Kensi a glass of sparkling apple juice and sat down on the floor near her. She was on the couch, a fire blazed nicely in the fireplace. It was the day after Christmas.

They'd driven up to Snow Summit, a two and a half hour drive from LA. Their original plan had been to fly to Seattle after Callen had been to the game with Sam, stay in a hotel for the night and then head up to Mission Ridge for a week of skiing. Plans were changed after the mission, particularly the blow to the head Kensi had received. Flying and skiing weren't really options for her at present. Hetty had come to the rescue and offered them her cabin for a week while Kensi recovered from her concussion. A nice quiet week just the two of them with strict orders from Hetty not to call in to see how things were going. She would get Eric to contact them if the world was coming to an end and they needed to return. Though Callen couldn't wrap his head around Hetty having a cabin at a ski resort. The mental picture of her on skis or a snowboard just wouldn't form.

"I'm good," Kensi replied.

Callen gave her a looked that clearly said he didn't believe her.

"I still hurt," Kensi admitted with a roll of her eyes and a smile. "The headache is still there, just not as bad as earlier. If I stand up too quickly I feel a little dizzy. I'm fine Callen," she assured him. "I know it's going to take a bit before this settles down."

Concussions tended to be tricky things and unpredictable in how long the symptoms would take to completely go away. Hetty had given him the phone number of a good local doctor just in case Kensi started to get worse in any way.

"Ribs?"

"Still a bit sore, probably less than yours after that tumble down the stairs," Kensi replied. She looked at him with a smile. "Nothing to worry about though." She winked and Callen grinned back. He knew exactly what that wink was about.

"We'll see how you're feeling tomorrow," he replied.

Kensi pouted, very briefly.

They sat quietly for a few minutes. Both watched the flames play in the fireplace and sipped their drinks.

"Kenz," Callen said still focused on the flames.

"Jack." Kensi replied softly. She obviously suspected what he had been thinking about.

"Will you tell me about him?"

Kensi was quiet for a moment. Callen reached for her hand and twined her fingers with his. He didn't turn and look at her though. He just waited patiently, gave her some privacy and time to consider if she wanted to or not.

"What I told Talbot was true," Kensi finally said. "Jack came home different. I tried, but it wasn't enough." She took a slow deep breath. "He broke my heart when he left. I didn't think it would ever heal. If it hadn't been for his parents knowing he was okay I'd have reported him missing. I went to their house, thinking he was going to be there, but he wasn't. They didn't want me to try and find him. He'd told them he didn't want to see me again. It was the worst Christmas."

"Did you see him again?"

"No. For all I know he's dead."

They were quiet again before Kensi added, "If he's alive and I do see him again, part of me will probably be tempted to shoot him."

Callen squeezed her hand. "Perhaps you'd better not show me a picture or I might beat you to it."

"It wasn't all bad," Kensi admitted. "Until he came back from that mission it was good, really good."

"How did you meet?" Callen turned his attention away from the fire and focused on her.

"He was one of my best friend's oldest brother's friends. I'd seen him around when we were teenagers. But being seven years older he wasn't really someone we hung out with. It wasn't until my 21st that things changed. He was back on leave. Kerry and her family threw me a birthday party." There was a sad smile on her face. She hadn't had anyone else to do it.

"I'm glad they were there for you," Callen said.

Kensi smiled again, not so sad this time. "They always were. Anyway, Jack was there and he was watching me through the night. I could feel his eyes on me. It had been a couple of years since I'd seen him and I noticed him too, in a different way to normal. Then he asked me to dance. It was the first time we'd danced and I felt sparks. It wasn't like that with anyone else. We danced, we talked and at the end of the night he kissed my cheek and left."

"How long before you saw him again?"

"About three months. He shipped out the next day. When he came back he looked me up and we went out on a date. Didn't look back. We knew it wasn't going to be easy with him being away so often but we made it work. It wasn't like I didn't know what I was getting into. We were supposed to live happily ever after."

Kensi stood up and walked over to the fireplace before she continued. "But things went wrong. He came back and I wasn't the comfort he remembered. I was the ground to slam into."

Callen saw the glistening of a tear trickle down her check and stood up to join her beside the fire. Another one slipped down and he wiped it away with his thumb.

"Kenz, you don't have to keep going."

Kensi smiled. "Hey, you told me all about Alex. Need to return the favour."

Callen shook his head. "No. You don't," he said firmly. "You tell me when you are ready, be it now, later or never." He pulled her into his arms, her head dropped onto his shoulder.

"I want to. It still hurts though."

"I know," Callen said. Even though he'd come a long way regarding Alex, there were times when thinking and talking about her, especially how it ended, still hurt.

Kensi sniffed a little and then moved back to the couch. Callen sat down beside her, his arm around her shoulder. Kensi leaned into him carefully.

"I tried," she said. "I really tried to help him. I did everything I could, even went to therapy for myself so I didn't take my frustrations out on him. I tried to find other ways to help him through it. I researched his condition, old, new and alternative ways to help. But nothing did and … in the end he walked away."

Callen squeezed her shoulder gently. "I'm sorry."

"Yeah. So am I. But then James swooped into the rescue."

Callen felt the tension in her ease a little and knew that the conversation about Jack was over for now. He didn't push it. He suspected there was a lot more to the story but she'd told him enough. If she wanted to go into detail further at some point she could. He'd listen but he'd never push her to reveal any more of that painful time.

"James turned up, crutches and all, Christmas night after Jack left."

"Crutches?"

"Yeah, he was injured over there too. Leg broken in three places. They were part of the same unit. James was younger but being part of the team meant we were already friends. You know what it's like with units in the military and how they are."

She paused deep in thought, a smile on her face that reassured Callen what she was thinking wasn't too painful.

"James hobbled through my door with six pack of beer, a big container of ice cream and Miracle on 34th Street. Not easy to do on crutches. We drank, we ate and we watched." She paused again before she admitted, "And I cried."

Callen brushed a stray piece of hair off her face that had slipped out of her loose ponytail.

Kensi's eyes were focused on the flames in the fireplace, but Callen knew she wasn't really seeing them.

"For the next eight months he was there," Kensi continued. "Somehow, anytime I was falling he was there to catch me. Even with all his rehab to get fit and ready to be deployed again he was there for me."

"Eight months?" The figure was familiar to Callen regarding Kensi. He thought for a moment. "This is the rough patch you mentioned a while ago that he helped you with, before you got together?"

"Yeah. He never once showed me that there was anything more to him being there than being a good friend. Not until that night."

"Kenz," Callen shifted his shoulder a little to get her to look at him. When she was he said, "I'd bet on it that he was already in love with you. Every time he turned up to help you, he was showing you, just not in the obvious way."

Kensi nodded and smiled. "You're right. He told me later that he'd been in love with me for about two years."

"But he didn't say anything?"

"Jack was his superior so he wouldn't do anything because of that and since I was happy with Jack, he locked it away and tried to ignore his feelings."

"And when Jack left?"

"The door was open. He waited patiently for me to see it."

"And you did."

"Eventually." Kensi put her head back down on Callen's shoulder. "Things took off from that night I told you about," she continued. "We went out on our official first date and were living together within weeks. Four months later, his recovery was complete and he deployed again. But I dreaded his return home because I was so afraid that the same thing that happened with Jack would happen again."

"I take it it didn't."

"No. The opposite." Kensi's voice got a little softer. "I remember it so clearly. James came home to me a day early. I was supposed to pick him up the next morning after he'd been debriefed. But he wanted to come to me sooner so he figured out a way. I remember him walking through the door. I remember the look on his face. The joy but the sorrow and the pain too. I already knew that things had gone really bad. A roadside bomb went off when they were part of a convoy. Half his team was in the vehicle that got hit. They all died."

Callen didn't know what to say to comfort her.

"He walked through the door," her voice started to choke up but she pushed on, "closed and locked it. Dropped his bags and came straight to me. He kissed me, picked me up and took me to bed. He didn't say a word. Just showed me how much he loved me and missed me."

There were tears in Kensi's eyes to match those in her voice. "Then he cried, then slept. He was exhausted. I could see it so clearly in his face as he slept. And even with everything he had just done, I was still scared. Scared that he'd wake up and leave. So I didn't sleep. I just watched."

She brushed away the tears that had fallen down her cheeks.

"Eventually he woke up. He sat up and took my hands in his. Looked me straight in the eye and asked me to marry him." Kensi blew out her breath. "He wouldn't let me answer straight away though. He had more to say so he held a finger to my lips the whole time he talked. He told me that I…"

Her fingers drifted to her lips and Callen watched her take another calming breath before she tried again. Her words were slow but determined when she did continue. They were also filled with both pain and amazement. And the tears fell as she spoke.

"He told me that I would never be the ground he slammed into. That by the time he got home to me, he'd already crashed. Was already broken. That coming home to me would always be his safe place. A place he would finally be free to feel the pain, to let go of holding on to his control and being strong for others. That I was a place he could be sad or angry or whatever he needed to be - but never at me - and that I would be the reason he would become whole again after he'd been broken."

She was crying, hers words barely audible by the time she spoke the last ones.

Callen pulled her into his arms and held her tight. It was a while before he said anything and when he did, he took the conversation in a lighter direction. She'd been through enough darkness for one night.

"I take it you said yes," he said lightly.

Kensi laughed softly, just a little. She sat up and tried to wipe away the tears on her cheeks. "How could a girl say no after that? I was going to say yes anyway."

Callen brushed away the remaining tears from her cheeks and smiled at her. "I'm glad you had him."

"So am I," Kensi replied softly.