CHAPTER 38: And you've got your heart to reclaim

"I thought this kind of thing only happened in movies?" whispered Miley, her eyes sliding to her left, to where her brother stood.

"This kind of thing could only happen to you. I hope you've learnt your lesson," Braison smirked, tugging on her elbow. "No more late entrances or you end up looking like a fool."

Miley willed her crimson cheeks to return to their normal tanned state, cringing as she felt hundreds of pairs of eyes on her. She eased into the pew next to Braison, desperately wishing that she had better timing.

Of course she had tried to sneak into the church, failing as the huge doors creaked open to reveal everyone in place. Of course she had entered the moment the priest said 'or forever hold your peace'. Of course, the first person she locked eyes with was the one person who she was still not sure she was ready to face. Luckily Kevin's beaming smile had convinced her that despite it all, it was worth everything to be there for him and Danielle today. Miley didn't have time to dwell on Nick, because he quickly averted his eyes and turned away from her again.

The rest of the ceremony was beautiful, and as they exchanged the vows they'd written themselves, Miley was overcome with emotion. She was so tired. As two people stood there, declaring their love for each other, she felt drained. Miley had been fighting the turmoil within herself for three months, fighting against what everyone else knew to be true. She loved Nick. Her skin was itching, almost crawling, as though her body was aware of how close she was to him.

She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath.

"What the hell are you doing Miley?" hissed Braison, a confused look on his face.

She felt her lungs constrict. She felt her heart squeeze. She was acutely aware of every single thing that felt like they were assaulting her senses. The church became unfocussed, the air thick. Noise started to drown out, the edges of her vision darkening.

"And you may kiss your bride!"

The crowd erupted into applause as Kevin pulled Danielle into his arms. They were on their feet, hooting and hollering. No one noticed Miley collapse to the floor.

Nick blinked twice. He heard the doors groan open, and turned to see who could possibly be rude enough to turn up this late to a wedding. He froze in place as he saw the ethereal beauty glide into the church, clad in a form fitting red dress that he recognised. She'd shown him it when they'd returned from Paris, as excited as Demi was to show the one she too wore today to Joe. He felt his mouth turn dry, and his hands get clammy. After all this time, she could still make him weak at the knees, like some romantic literature cliché.

Fearing his heart would betray his head, and his feet to carry him to her without being able to control it, he turned to face the priest. Kevin looked ecstatic, not at all offended by the interruption. He tried to sneak a look to Nick, but Nick pointedly ignored it.

Nick looked for her as they filed out of the church. They were being taken away by the limos to get photos of the wedding party, so if he didn't find Miley now, he might miss his chance. Who knew if she was going to be at the reception? He wasn't even sure what he was going to do with this chance, all he knew was that he had to get to her.

Braison bore the weight of his unconscious sister, taking her out a side door to get her away from the masses of people. He sat her on a little bench next to the cemetery, gently slapping her. Miley moaned, her eyes opening slowly.

"Shit, Miley. What the hell?"

"It was more than I could take..." she mumbled, taking concentrated breaths.

Braison crouched down in front of her, resting his elbows on her knees.

"Now, I'm seriously worried," he started, sighing deeply. "Maybe this wasn't a good idea."

Miley shook her head, laughing humourlessly.

"It was an awful idea," she confirmed. "But, I need to do this. We've both made so many mistakes. But the worst one was ever thinking we were better off without each other. I'm not better off without him. I don't know if we can fix it. I don't even know if he wants to. But I have to do this. One last time, because if I don't..."

"Miles, I know. Okay? I get it..." nodded Braison. "I'm just worried that maybe we pushed you too much. I guess I just saw how much you were hurting, and figured Nick would fix it all. But, this needs to be about you. Coz you're the one that is going to have to live through what happens after this..."

Miley stayed silent for a moment. She contemplated what her brother said, and reflected on her initial hesitance to ever let anyone in... until Nick came along.

"When Lilly died, a part of me died too. My heart was missing this huge piece, and I didn't know what to do. I was worried that if I gave away any more of it, I'd die. Because you can't live without a heart. Can you?"

"Uh, I don't really underst-"

"Just wait. So these walls went up. They were solid. They kept people out, kept people away. But I was lucky enough that there were a couple of people who found ways around those walls. And they started chipping away at them, from the inside out. I was so scared that people would leave me. I couldn't be left behind again."

"Miles, you... you... I mean, even with those 'walls' – you just feel so much more than most people. I know when those walls went up. I also saw you when those walls were down. The real you, the Miley that was best friends with Lilly, she doesn't have walls."

"I know, I know. But it's shit scary, Bray. It had worked for so long... now I was risking getting hurt again. Back to my heart analogy. See, being around these people, learning to trust again? Going on the tour, finishing school... all of that. I rebuilt that part that Lilly took with her. It's not the same heart, but it was almost whole again. Except, until it was too late, I realised I'd given away another part of it, a different part. Nick has my heart, and I don't want it back. But, if I have to rebuild it again, mend it again... then I can. It will be hard – but I know I can do it. I'm not the same person anymore. I don't want to be that person. So whatever comes, next... I'll figure it out. I will."

Nick clinked his knife against his glass. He did his best to avoid looking in the left hand corner of the room. He knew Joe, Demi, Oliver, Jackson and Riley were sitting there. He knew Braison was sitting on that table too, next to his sister. He'd done well so far, managing to avoid her. She hadn't made any moves to see him. He'd been busy with family and friends, graciously making small talk with them all.

"I'd like to say a few words tonight. Actually, Kevin made me, but let's pretend I'm doing this of my own free will and am not being blackmailed..."

A chorus of laughs echoed around the decorated room.

"This is actually the first time I have made a speech and it is true when they say that's its nerve racking. I only feel slightly better knowing that I am not the only person in the room who is apprehensive, but then again she has just married my brother. Weddings are about the people getting married. They're a chance for you to watch the besotted couple gaze into each other's eyes with love, lust, nervousness, exasperation and commit to a life of joint tax returns and parents evenings. Forever. Very serious business, really."

Then Nick made the mistake of looking up from the paper in his hands. Like a magnet, he was drawn to her, and his breathing hitched. He tore his eyes away to look back at the words he has practiced a million times. Only now, they were swimming, a blur of ink against the white background. He shook his head, trying to regain his composure. It wasn't working, and he could feel himself panicking as the people in the room waited for him to continue.

He couldn't form a coherent sentence. So instead he raised his glass, and tried to quickly end his moment in the spotlight.

"To Kevin and Danielle. Who have surrendered their hearts, and agreed to spend the rest of their lives by each other's side."

He promptly slammed his drink to the table and stalked out of the room.

"Get inside," commanded his mother, hand on hip and glare in her eyes. "Now."

"I just need a second!" Nick seethed, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Nicholas, I said get inside now. For three reasons, you will not dare to disobey me right now. The first being I'm your mother, and there's a room full of family in there and I, nor Kevin, do not want a scene. That was the second. And now for the third – get over yourself. That girl is just as scared as you. You are not the only person in this. Neither is she. See us all in there? The people who care about you? Care about her? We're just as invested in this. So, get inside now. They're about to take their first dance as husband and wife. And you will ask Miley to dance with you."

Nick must have looked as shocked as he felt, because his mother wore a self satisfied smirk. She turned on her heel and marched inside, leaving a bewildered Nick with no option but to follow.

She felt like a deer in headlights. She could have sworn that he was making his way to her. His step faltered on the edge of the dancefloor. That was all it took. One second for her to blink, and suddenly all she could see was Danielle's skanky cousin pressing her body against his. He allowed himself to be swept away by her, allowed her to put her hands all over him as she guided his lower down her back. She felt hot tears prick her eyes, and as he cast a glance over his shoulder at her, she couldn't help but let one fall.

"Come on, pretty lady. All you can do now is to pretend for a little bit longer that you're okay."

Miley looked up to see Jackson offering his hand to her. She took a deep breath, and patted her cheeks with her fingers to clear away any sign of her distress. Miley nodded, and let Jackson pull her into his strong arms. They swayed across the floor, and she laid her head against his chest, the closest thing to hiding she could manage right now.

He felt rage build up. Rage and jealously. He knew he shouldn't have let the girl in his arms right now swoop in. His hesitation cost him the chance to have the right girl in his arms. But she was in another's. Her head wasn't pressed against the right chest. But he couldn't bring himself to disentangle himself, to cut in, and tell her all the things that were on the tip of his tongue. He couldn't bring himself to be brave.

"May I cut in?"

Miley looked up to see Kevin waiting next to herself and Jackson. With a kiss to her forehead, Jackson released her to him.

"Sorry I was late..." she said feebly.

"You came. Let's leave it at that, shall we?" Kevin brushed the topic aside. "Now, tell me. Have you told Nick that you're still in love with him yet?"

Miley tripped herself up a little, not expecting his blunt questioning.

"I..I.. Uh, I- " stuttered Miley, her breathing becoming uneven.

"Oh, give it up. You're both as bad as each other. I can feel his eyes burning holes in the back of my head right now."

"I..I.. Uh, I- " she repeated.

"Rendered speechless. Must note this one. Well, Miley. I'm glad you're here. Now I've got a wife to get to. And you've got your heart to reclaim. Go."

It burned. He could feel the alcohol trickle down his throat and it burned.

"Another."

The bartender nodded, pouring Nick another shot.

He slammed it back, relishing in the warmth coursing through his body. He could feel it starting to take effect, and he welcomed the numbness that it brought.

Just as he was about to order another, he felt her presence. He didn't have to turn to see her, to know she was there. She approached the bar, rested her arms on the bench. The hairs on his arms rose, and it was all he could do not to reach out and touch her.

Out of the corner of his eye, he could see her staring straight away, refusing to look at him. Her hair was in loose, unkempt waves, like he'd seen so many times when she'd wake up in his arms in the morning. Her dress hugged her, showing off the curves he'd traced over countless nights. She opened her mouth to speak, parting her perfect rosy lips that he remembered moving beneath his own. No words came out. She tried a few times, but failing to summon the courage to start.

He felt his fingers twitch, aching to link with hers. It was more than he could take.

He could hear her unsteady breathing. He could see her internal war.

He missed his chance again.

Danielle cousin threw herself in between them, gleefully ordering another round of shots. He didn't get a chance to politely decline, he didn't a chance to ask her to leave. By the time he craned his neck around her to speak to Miley; she had already started moving away. He felt a pang of regret, her eyes were sad. They held more sadness than he'd ever seen. She looked resigned, looked defeated. He wanted to scream at her to say something, say anything. She just shook her head almost imperceptibly, and turned away from him.

He grabbed the small glass and emptied the contents into his throat hastily. He muttered some form of rejection to the cousin, and tore off after her.

"Where are you going?" he yelled harshly, feeling the alcohol fuel his anger.

"You appeared to be busy," she said, turning to face him.

"Don't give me that rubbish. After all this time, you're going to pretend that is your reason?"

"What do you want me to say Nick?" she asked softly, dropping her hands to her sides in defeat.

He was standing in front her, close enough to grab her and pull her into him. But he didn't.

"Why did you come today, Miley?" her name slid off his tongue, like it hadn't ever stopped being there for the last 3 months.

"It's Kevin's wedding?" Miley replied as more of a question.

"Why did you come today, Miley?" he demanded with more force.

"I just told you?" she spat back, matching his tone even though she wasn't at all mad.

"Why did you come today, Miley?" yelled Nick, his voice thundering.

"Why are you being like this, Nick? I don't know what you want me to say!"

His brow furrowed, his mind was hazy. He didn't know why he was being so mean to her. He loved her.

"If you don't know what you're meant to say, then I don't know why you're here."

The words left his mouth before he even realised what he was saying. Her face told him that he'd made another mistake; she looked as though she'd been slapped.

"Of course, I didn't know what to say. How was I meant to even start? But, thankfully, I know now that even if I had of said it, it wouldn't have mattered," her voice broke. "You've just made sure that whatever I was going to say – I will never say to you again."

She felt the walls come up. She knew he was hurt, angry even. She should have pushed through, should have not been a coward and told him even though he was being a jerk. She should have screamed at him the truth. But it was never easy with them, was it? She got scared, so she retreated behind the flimsy walls. Hurt him, before he got to hurt her. That had to be the only way to protect herself from letting him completely break her.

He watched her head back towards her table. He watched her grab her bag. He watched her say goodbye to everyone. All the while, he didn't move. He couldn't move. He couldn't think. She didn't love him anymore.