How Many Kids Do We Have?

Chapter 36

We Need a Little Bit of Crazy Part 2

Ranger parked the Rangeman SUV in front of a little bakery/coffee shop with a large brown cow wearing a yellow hat on one side of the entrance and a penguin with a bow tie and a pool stick on the other. Perched on the roof guarding the parking lot was a gorilla that looked like it was right out of King Kong. Its fists were beating on the chest. Also a purple bull, black bear, and Pinocchio were there. They sat down at a large table in the back. A few other customers were in the coffee shop. Ranger grabbed a booster seat and high chair for Caden and Cassidy.

An older woman with a plump build brought over menus.

"I like your animals," Caden said to her.

She explained, "My husband had those in our yard and I made him move them, so he brought them here."

"The gorilla is so cool," Julie added.

They gave their order. Grilled cheese sandwiches for Julie and Caden. Stephanie was having the homemade broccoli cheese soup and a chicken salad for Ranger. Stephanie ordered applesauce to go with Cassidy's baby food.

"Mommy, I got to go potty."

"Me too and I want to change your sister."

"Babe, I can take him."

"I have to help Mommy change Cassidy."

"I'll go, too," Julie said.

When Stephanie came out of the bathroom, the three children had their noses plastered against the bakery display case.

Ranger entwined his fingers with her across the table, "You Ok, Babe."

"Yes, I'm fine. Stop worrying." She glanced over at the children, then at Ranger. He saw panic in her eyes. "What did we do, Ranger. I just realized that next year at this time, we'll have a baby, Cassidy will be potty training, and Caden will be starting kindergarten. I may have a nervous breakdown."

"If we need to, we'll hire a nanny to help. I can work from home more. Babe, we'll figure it out together," placing a kiss in her palm.

"Ranger, I don't want you to change your life."

"And, I don't want you to change yours. Without you, I had a business and an empty apartment to go home to every night to with my empty life. I'm going to give Bobby and Lester more responsibility. And, Tank, too. I want to enjoy my family."

"You have it all figured out."

"Mostly. Here comes lunch."

"Mommy, guess what they have?"

"Tell me."

"Dinosaur cookies."

"If you eat your lunch, then you can have one and we'll take some home."

Caden was watching Stephanie eat her soup, dipping the fresh bread in it sometimes.

"What's that," he was looking at her bowl.

"Broccoli cheese soup. You want a taste?"

"I like broccoli," he nodded

Stephanie blew on the spoon for him to taste.

"I like it."

She pushed her bowl over towards Caden so he could dip his spoon in it.

Julie was watching too.

"Do you want a taste, Jules."

She nodded and pushed the bowl towards her.

"Mmmmm. That's good."

Ranger motioned for the waitress to bring another bowl of soup for Stephanie. She looked across the table at her husband and held up her spoon so he could taste it. She also dipped a piece of bread in the soup for Cassidy.

"I like this," Caden said as he and Julie were passing her soup bowl back and forth across the table.

"Me, too," Julie agreed.

"Caden, where's your Sponge Bob t-shirt?' Stephanie noticed he had on his dinosaur shirt that she bought each child from the dig site.

"Under here," pulling the neck to show his mother. "They're my favorites.

Ranger shook his head.

Everyone was munching dinosaur cookies as Stephanie entered another address in the GPS. It directed Ranger to turn left out of the coffee shop parking lot.

The SUV stopped at the entrance of an overgrown driveway with a sign reading:

Welcome to the Swamp

Come in, We're Open

"Babe, are you sure this is where we want to be. It looks like someone's yard. Overgrown a little."

"Yes, the man has a swamp in his backyard."

Ranger read a sign out loud as they approached it, "Come see our turtles."

"And our snakes," Stephanie read.

When they got to the next sign, Ranger stopped the SUV. He had to reread the sign, "The Home of Petey, The Beer Drinking Snapping Turtle."

"Wow," Caden said from the back seat.

Ranger just looked at Stephanie and parked beside another car.

A man in a red flannel shirt, overalls, and a baseball cap with a propeller on the top greeted them as they got out of the vehicle.

"You're the tenth car today. I'm Bert. That's my wife Ernestine, but everyone calls her Ernie."

"Bert and Ernie. How cute is that," Julie giggled.

Stephanie noticed in the car parked next to the SUV was a copy of the 'Roadside Oddities' book. They weren't the only ones with it.

"Come on down to the swamp. The turtles are really swimming around today."

Stephanie thought that Ranger was reaching to make sure he had his gun under the seat.

"Please don't shoot the man," she said to her husband.

"Babe, we're in some stranger's backyard. There could be swamp monsters out there who are going to swallow us up."

Stephanie stepped onto a wooden platform, looking down in the swamp, there were hundreds of turtles swimming around or laying on rocks. Big ones. Small ones. Caden ran over and pulled Ranger, who taking in his surroundings, up on the deck.

"Look at all the turtles," Caden was pointing at the swimmers.

Cassidy was shrieking at all the turtles in the water, reaching for them from Stephanie's arms.

Ranger stood there watching for a few minutes and leaned over and whispered to Stephanie, "Please tell me somewhere along the way we entered an alternate universe."

Bert asked Caden and Julie, "Want to meet Petey. Don't put your fingers in the pen, he could eat them. Hey Ernie, get a beer for Petey."

Stephanie, Ranger, and Cassidy followed over to a large pen sunk into the swamp. They didn't see anything in it. Bert opened the beer can, instantly a turtle head popped up out of the murky water and swam over to a rock. The turtle stood on it and opened it's mouth. Bert poured the beer into its mouth. He swallowed a few times. And kept drinking until the beer can was empty.

"Watch this," Bert said proudly. "Petey, did you like that?"

The turtle opened it's mouth and they heard a loud burp.

"Wow, he's amazing," Caden said.

Julie announced, "He can do that better that some of the boys in the cafeteria."

"I never knew turtles burped," Ranger commented.

"Neither did I. One day, Petey was watching a football game with me and drank my beer. Then I heard him burp. Watch this."

Bert threw the beer can in the pen. Petey clutched it in his powerful jaws and snapped it in two.

"Wow, I wish I could do that," Caden watched in amazement.

"You youngins, want to see Bonnie and Clyde, my pet pythons."

"Show the way," Julie laughed.

He led them over to a small wooden shed with skylights. He opened the door and reached into an aquarium pulling out a large yellowish snake.

"This here is Bonnie. She's an Albino Burmese Python. You can touch her." He had the snake across his shoulders.

Both Julie and Caden were petting the snake.

"What does she eat?" Julie asked.

"Rats, mice, chipmunks, raccoons, whatever I can catch. Come over here, young fellow," indicating Ranger, "you look strong. Want to hold my girl?"

"Come on, Dad."

Bert put Bonnie across Ranger's shoulders, her head came around and was looking at Ranger sticking out her tongue. "She likes you."

Stephanie was standing watching as Julie was taking pictures. "Even female snakes like him," Stephanie laughed to herself.

He took the snake from Ranger and put it back in the aquarium.

"Clyde wasn't very friendly today. He tried to strangle a man earlier today. He's over six feet long."

Caden and Julie were looking at Clyde.

"You got neat stuff," Caden told him.

"Let me show you Frankie, the one eyed alligator."

Bert walked over to a hammock. Laying on it was a stuffed alligator with an eye patch and a paisley pink bandana around it's neck. "Frankie here tried to bite Ernie when we were in Florida, so I had it stuffed."

Caden was petting the snout and looking at the teeth.

Stephanie had the children wash their hands before they took a piece of fudge shaped like a turtle offered by Ernie.

"I appreciate you coming. We like having company. The more visitors we have, the more Petey gets to drink."

"You have a very interesting place here. My children enjoyed themselves. Thank you for having us," Stephanie told Bert and Ernie.

"I really liked Petey and your hat. I'm going to get me one of those."

"Thanks," Bert knelt down so Caden could spin the propeller.

'Thanks," Julie said before getting in the car.

There was a jar on the table for donations and Stephanie put some money in it since Bert didn't charge any admission.

Before the SUV pulled out, three more vehicles pulled into the parking area.

"Steph, look they have a copy of our book, too."

A woman who got out of the car next to them asked Ranger, "How did you like it?"

Before he could say a word, Caden piped up, "It's great. Petey's the best and I like his hat."

"Thanks, I'm glad we stopped."

"Anytime," Caden replied back.

As they were going down the driveway, Ranger was shaking his head and Stephanie could see he was trying not to laugh, but couldn't hold it in, "Babe, I never knew turtles burped. Or drank."

"See, Dad, you learned something new today."

"Mommy, can I have one of those hats. I like it."

"Maybe, if they come in black I can have all Rangeman employees wear them."

Stephanie and the kids fell asleep on the way home and Ranger just shook his head. "Welcome to the zany world of his wife," he thought.

After they were home, Ranger took Stephanie in his arms, he was still smiling. Today had been one of the craziest days of his life and admitted he thoroughly enjoyed it.

"Thank you," Stephanie whispered to him.

"For what?"

"You just went along with everything today."

"Babe, you have done some crazy stuff, including blowing up my Porsche. And, I've been sucked into the 'Burg' grapevine. Today, I must say, was probably the most insane day of my life. My son wanted to bring home a 700 pumpkin, we looked at a hole where dinosaur bones were dug up, ate in a place that had a gorilla was beating its chest on the roof, and in a swamp in some guy's backyard watching a turtle drink beer."

"So."

"That's it. To you and the kids it was normal. To me, it was sheer lunacy, but I had one of the best days of my life. You were right, Caden needed a little bit of crazy to snap him out of the hospital fear. I actually regret now not seeing Foam Henge, getting attacked by the crazed ostrich, and sleeping in a tee pee. I am now a charter member of the Stephanie Plum-Manoso world of crazy club."

"Thank you for joining the club. We're glad to have you. I know you will enjoy the initiation ceremony into the club, Mr. Manoso." Stephanie gave Ranger a very sexy smile.

An idea hit Stephanie and she grabbed her cell phone when she was alone.

"Hi, Daddy. Do you still have that small tent. Would you bring it over and put it up in the game room?"

After the kids where in bed, Stephanie sent Ranger an e-mail from her laptop in the family room. He opened it.

Initiation Time.

Come to the Family Room

Clothing Optional

What could Stephanie possibly have up her sleeve and he couldn't wait to find out. Ranger walked into the family room. Stephanie was laying across the top of the sofa in a leopard print teddy, candles were lit, and a tent was in the corner.

"I hope this will work for your initiation." The flap of the tent was open and he could see an inflatable bed in it with sheets, pillows, and blankets. "I had short notice that a new member was joining my special club today." She slipped off the sofa and walked seductively past him as he was stripping out of his clothes. Stephanie could see Ranger was quite ready for his initiation. She crooked her finger at him and disappeared into the tent.

"Babe, initiate me all you want," closing the flap behind him.

"Oh, I will Mr. Manoso. You're a lifetime member."