Chapter 38

"Have fun serving your detention?"

Lucinda looked up from her porridge. A pair of brown eyes looked back at her from under dark, bushy eyebrows.

"Why would I?" The girl asked and regarded him with just a slight hint of suspicion. "Are detentions supposed to be fun?"

The boy rubbed a hand up and over the back of his shaved head and his blank gaze didn't change. "Do you always answer questions with more questions?" He asked back, but then promptly continued eating his breakfast without waiting for her answer.

Lucinda stared at his bald head and felt a little put off.

"Ignore him." Came the voice of her boyfriend next to her. "He's not a friend."

Lucinda looked at Tristin, expecting to see him with a glare in his eyes, but his black hues were staring off across the Great Hall at nothing in particular. If anything, he looked rather pleasantly bored... almost conversational. Lucinda stole another glance at the Slytherin they were discussing, but the boy continued to eat, unfazed. "Not a friend?" Lucinda whispered from the corner of her mouth at her boyfriend.

Tristin sipped his pumpkin juice and shifted his full attention on her. "So, how was the detention?" He asked with a sympathetic smile, ignoring her own question, and Lucinda frowned slightly. "I swear I'm not taking the Mickey, love—" (he laughed lightly and winked) "—I genuinely want to know how it was."

The girl took a moment to look up at the staff table and saw her potions professor in conversation with the Headmaster. He was the same as always. His face was calm and he spoke with only the subtlest of movements from his lips. Back straight and expression cool, the man seemed ridiculously without troubles. You wouldn't know such a gut-wrenching conversation had taken place between her and this man just the night before...

"It was fine, I guess," she finally answered with a lift of her eyebrows. "It could have gone better. Professor Snape was..." Lucinda twirled her spoon in her porridge, "...sort of unpleasant."

Tristin simpered at her slightly, but she didn't see it. He put a warm hand on her shoulder and squeezed. "Brush it off, Morgan. Snape is tough on you, because you're so brilliant."

Lucinda's eyes snapped to Tristin's face. She didn't even try to conceal her disbelief at his words. "What's with you?" She whispered and the boy across the table from her listened just a little harder. "You're acting weird."

Tristin dropped his hand from her shoulder, but his eyes didn't leave hers. He looked regretful as he chewed the inside of his cheek. "Have I been so terrible of a boyfriend that you now find it suspicious when I'm concerned for you?"

Lucinda didn't answer. She tried to see the deception in his eyes, but she couldn't. He was acting genuine... but that was just it, wasn't it? He was acting genuine... but was he being genuine? Either way, she took too long to respond, because the Slytherin prefect gave a sigh and looked down at the table.

"Never mind," he mumbled and picked up his spoon. "Forget I asked."

Lucinda stared at him a little dumbfounded. Was he pouting? Did she actually make him feel bad? Everyone in her life had completely lost their minds. They were all acting crazy. How was she supposed to respond to the things he was saying, when just last week he'd been so violent with her..?

The two sat in silence for the rest of breakfast and then left together when it was nearly over. Upon passing into the entrance hall, they stopped because there were two people just on the other side of the door talking. It was Clover and Gabe. The boys seemed to be in a heated discussion, though they were speaking fairly quietly. Regardless, Lucinda was able to make out some of the conversation before Gabriel saw them and closed his mouth mid-sentence.

"I don't understand why you did this in the first place." Clover was saying in hushed tones with his back to them. "You act like you still want to be with me, so why are you doing this?"

"It was a mistake." Gabe said back with a pained look. "I wasn't thinking straight when we—" And then he saw them. His eyes met Lucinda's first and he was a bit startled, but then they shifted to the boy at her side and Gabriel's face contorted into fury within a split second. At first, she thought—for whatever ridiculous reason—that he was pissed at her for standing there with Tristin, but then he suddenly turned cold eyes on Clover and she was beyond confused. The boy's usually angelic face expressed in the most vile voice Lucinda had ever heard: "JUST GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!"

Lucinda's eyes grew wide, though she didn't see the boy beside her and the stiff expression on his face. Gabe was like a completely different person. His features were knotted into deep lines of resentment and vehemence and it was all pointed at Clover. Clover! Gentle, sassy and innocent Clover Borealis. Lucinda couldn't believe her ears or eyes.

"Gabe—" Lucinda found herself starting to say (she was going to snap at him; ask him what the hell his problem was), but the boy quickly turned and rushed up the marble staircase away from them.

"Don't come near me again!" He yelled behind him, but he kept his neat, blonde head down as he ascended the staircase and left the entrance hall. Lucinda merely gaped after him. Once again, this was just additional confirmation—that she really didn't need—that everyone had lost their bloody minds.

"Clover, are you alright?" Lucinda asked to the tall boy's back, once she'd gotten over her initial shock of the horrid scene. Tristin was silent at her side and she turned to look at him, gauging his reaction to all of this. He was gazing up the stairs with a sharpness to his eyes, but a moment later he looked down at her, blinking away the rigidity and his black hues returned to their relaxed state. Then he looked at Clover.

"Borealis, you good, mate?" He asked sharply.

Clover ran his hand through the silver locks of his deflated mohawk and Lucinda noticed how his fingers shook. He turned away from them and mumbled "I'm fine—", hurrying past to get into the Great Hall.

Lucinda moved out of the way, watching worriedly as his pale face disappeared through the doors. She caught a glimpse of his red-rimmed eyes and her stomach twisted sadly. The girl sighed a little in frustration and looked up at her boyfriend, once more. "What the hell is going on?" She muttered. Tristin looked at her, his expression unreadable. He didn't answer her. He just returned his attention to the top of the stairs, where the short, blonde boy had disappeared. He stared for a long moment. Then, strangely, his smooth eyebrows raised up slightly and he pursed his lips in what could only be discerned as...

Fascination.

When Lucinda walked into Potions, she once again sat on her own. There was a part of her that longed to badger Rorie about how her brother was doing, but there was no way she was going to speak to her now; not after the conversation they'd had the day before. So, she sat alone.

Gabe came in after Lucinda and thankfully sat at the table two down from her in the only other empty seat (besides the one next to her). She didn't really want to be forced to associate with him after the display in the entrance hall during breakfast. Shamefully, she thought maybe Aurora had been right about him. Maybe it was somewhat understandable that she wrote him off if she'd witnessed him treating her brother that way. If Lucinda had any siblings, she assumed she would be very protective over their happiness, as well. Then again, she didn't have siblings. Who knew? Perhaps she would act very differently...

"Today we will be discussing Everlasting Elixirs..." Snape's distinct voice rang out around the room and everyone was quiet as they watched him. Lucinda swallowed tightly and tried to forget about the detention she'd just been serving in that very classroom hours before. "Last year you learned of their names, their components, their purposes and their side-effects..." The man continued his lecture and stared around at them fiercely, weighing each breath and pausing every few seconds. "Now you will be brewing one. You will have one month to perfect it. And before you start to relax—" he added with a knowning glance toward a few particular students, "—this will be a new creation, one of your choice and imagination. You will not have a partner and you will not discuss your elixirs amongst yourselves. These will be revealed at the end of the month. Get creative, but for Merlin's sake, please do not kill anyone..." Then he paused and waved a hand over the chalk board beside him, where a list of bullet points suddenly appeared in his handwriting. "And follow these guidelines."

After finishing up his instructions, Snape walked back to his desk and sat down. Books were thrown open instantly and suddenly there was a flurry of tinkering bottles, scratching quills, low mutters, frustrated sighs and quick feet scampering back and forth from the advanced reference books in the cabinet, to their tables. Lucinda stared a moment at the board, her heart beginning to flutter excitedly. She sucked her bottom lip in between her teeth and tapped her fingertips against her tabletop, thinking...

All other thoughts left her briefly in the light of a new project. Her eyes practically sparkled with anticipation and Snape stole a glance her way. She wasn't looking at him. She was staring off in front of her at the board. If she didn't have such a delighted gleam in her eye, he would have thought she was frozen with fear, not knowing what to do. As it was, he could tell that the wheels in her brain were turning fast and thoughts and ideas were firing off at a rapid pace. Snape pressed his lips together and fought his sudden urge to curl his mouth up in a smirk of satisfaction.

Lucinda lifted her bag to the table and began sifting through it, pulling a text book out, along with two different smaller books, rolls of parchment that were filled to the edges with her writings and a few scraps of paper. She laid it all out in front of her and breathed deeply, lips trembling slightly. If the guidelines for creating an Everlasting Elixir were true and absolute, then she knew exactly what she was going to make and it made her beyond ecstatic. She could hardly concentrate on what to do first, because her mind was speeding away too quickly, already steps and steps ahead of her hands. She needed to calm herself and think things through first. She'd made mistakes in the past with her eagerness. Before anything could be done, before she even put a single ingredient on her board to chop or uncorked a single vial, she needed to do the most important thing... research.

Research... and calculations.

The class period ticked by and mostly everyone was still scratching their heads in agitation and worry. Some had an idea, but most left class without being any closer to what they were going to do for the project. Lucinda had spent half the period flipping through her notes and books and staring up at the board guidelines. Slowly, she pieced it together in her mind and by the second half of class she was scribbling away on a fresh roll of parchment. Her quill moved furiously and her eyes snapped up to the chalkboard every once in a while. She would pause, bite gently at her bottom lip, mull it over again in her mind, check her notes and then continue to write. She was so absorbed and motivated that she didn't even notice the bell had rung and the entire class had left. She only looked up when she was forced to... because her quill had stopped moving—or more so her hand wouldn't move.

Because someone else's hand was holding it still against the parchment.

Lucinda trailed her eyes up the arm and then rested them on the hardened face of her professor. Her pulse reawakened from its serene state and quickened. Before she even had a chance to inquire about the contact between them, Snape let go of her. Her mouth opened slowly and just a little, getting ready to ask what was wrong, but he spoke first.

"I called your name several times, Miss Morgan," he said with just a partial bite to his tone, as he placed his hands in his robes pockets. "Class is over."

Lucinda's eyebrows jumped up in surprise and she turned her head to the empty classroom. "Oh!" She said and snapped into action, standing from her seat and packing her items back into her bag. "I'm sorry, I guess I was a little engrossed in my work—" Something suddenly occurred to her and she whipped her head over to the classroom door. It remained open and empty, and her stomach did a flip. "Where is Tristin?" She found herself saying, mostly out of reflex and to herself.

"Were you expecting him?" Snape questioned anyway, keeping his voice steady and without too much concern. He knew she was expecting him. He'd been getting her from class everyday.

Lucinda looked at him for a beat and then down at the table of notes still there. "Well, yeah..." she mumbled offhand, chewing gently at her cheek. "I... I should wait here until he comes." She didn't know why he wouldn't be there to get her, but she also was too weary to change their supposed routine. Lucinda slowly sat back down in her chair.

Severus clenched his jaw in the slightest and took a breath through his nose and out again. His lips parted and his voice warned of a possible faulty performance at the subtle scratchiness when he cleared his throat. He had to get it together...

"By all means, stay as long as you'd like, if you don't have an additional class to attend..." he said slowly. "But since you're here, I would like to speak with you about what happened last night."

The thumping in Lucinda's chest increased and her fingers shook against the tabletop. She brought her hands underneath and clasped them together to quiet them. "I... I wasn't sure if you were going to even acknowledge it, honestly." The girl glanced up nervously at the man.

He regarded her carefully. "Quite frankly, this will be the last time I'll acknowledge such a thing." He said bluntly and gave another sigh before continuing. "First and foremost, please accept my apology for the way that I acted... the things that I said and the... physicality of my approach."

Lucinda locked eyes on his face, completely speechless. "Oh..." was all she seemed able to say. Then, seeing the uncomfortable look on the man's face, she mentally shook herself and shrugged a little. "It's-its alright. You can't be blamed, really. You're missing all of your memories of me—"

"That is precisely what will not be brought up again." Severus said snappishly and Lucinda closed her mouth, drawing her brow down.

"I'm sorry?" The girl questioned quietly after a breath of silence passed between them.

The potions master's jaw muscle worked a little before he answered. "I won't deny that I do, indeed, have a collection of memories of you."

Lucinda didn't reply. She wanted to know what he had to say. This was possibly the most important conversation they were ever going to have. At least... that's the way it felt. The air in the room had turned cold and strange and the man in front of her was giving her one of the sternest looks he'd ever had. Lucinda swallowed difficultly and listened to him.

"There was a brief moment that I was going to look at them," Snape continued. "My curiosity got the better part of my judgement and your behavior only served to further that curiosity. In my moment of weakness I was going to look at what I know are our memories... but I couldn't."

Lucinda was already beginning to nod. She'd closed her eyes briefly in some kind of understanding and she nodded, though her mouth was pressed into a thin line.

"I wasn't lying when I said I don't like it when you're upset." He continued with an uncomfortable glance toward the floor and then back up to her face. "Truly, Miss Morgan, I don't. I can't deny the affection I know is there or was there..." He paused and Lucinda opened her eyes to look at him, holding her breath. "But I can absolutely ignore it."

The girl's eyebrows raised slightly. This was nothing new. It was like he was saying all of this to her all over again. They had planned to come back from Christmas break as if nothing happened between them. Albeit, things didn't quite work out that simply, because of Tristin, but even-so... Everything he was saying was a version of something he'd said before. It somewhat didn't phase her.

"I won't be looking at the memories." He said.

Lucinda took a minute, but eventually she lifted her shoulders ever so slightly in a minuscule shrug. "I expected you to say that." She admitted with a weak smile. "I know you don't remember, but you've said something like this be—"

"I won't be looking at the memories..." The man stated again, interrupting her. "Ever."

Lucinda's face froze and then fell a fraction. "What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean." He snapped and this time there was some venom in his voice.

Lucinda's face fell more. "Why?" She said incredulously, raising her voice a step. There was a balloon of panic that was beginning to grow within her chest. She could feel it inflating and stretching against her esophagus.

"I may not know the details of our relationship or what the extent of those details were, but I can already tell that it was inappropriate." Snape's face continued to harden and darken as he spoke to her and Lucinda's began to match his.

"Really." The girl said tightly with a shadow of sarcasm, crossing her arms. "You came to that conclusion, did you—"

"Do not... test me, child." Snape's voice shook with suppressed animosity. "I am endlessly aware of what is at stake for the both of us. I removed my memories of you for a reason. I did it. No one else had a hand in my decision—that, I am sure of. That is why I have a crystal clear conscience when it comes to never looking at those memories again. It will do nothing but cause trouble and I think you know that."

"You don't know anything!" She had lost her composure. The balloon had filled to its bursting and burst, it did. The back of her throat was coated in the noxious words that ran down her tongue on a wave of anxiety and hysteria. "You say you're never going to look at them again? Are you kidding me?"

"Calm down, Miss Morgan." He said firmly, his eyes still glued to her flushed face. "You are embarrassing yourself and you're just proving to me that I made the right decision."

His cool demeanor sent her over the edge. "What harm would it do to look at them at a later time?" Lucinda stood up and questioned erratically. "I'm not saying to look at themnow but at some point look at them!"

"I will not."

"I'm saying months from now!"

"What difference would that make?" Snape shook his head, gazing at her with skepticism.

Lucinda shook her head back, returning his gaze with disbelief. This couldn't be happening. If he didn't remember her, then what was this all for? What was she doing? The girl's brown eyes started to gloss over with emotion and the angry, panicked look that was previously on her features softened and was replaced with the sadness that the man so wished to be rid of. "All the difference in the world, Severus..." Lucinda said quietly.

Snape didn't even flinch and that's what really sealed it for her. He was serious. He didn't know her. He didn't care. She was just another troublesome student to him.

"Call me that again and I will take points from your House." He snapped and his voice was irritated and callous.

Lucinda shrunk back from him, taking a step behind her. Her face drew down in destruction and embarrassment, with her chin giving a small quaver. Then she finally broke their eye contact, before he had a chance to get pissed at her for crying. She stared at her notes on the table. She'd been so excited just a few minutes ago. She was on the cusp of something that she'd been trying to figure out all year. Maybe this was the only thing that was going to bring her that kind of happiness anymore...

"So, that's it, then..." She said flatly and looked up at him again. His eyes were the same—hard and unyielding—but Lucinda's eyes had shifted to lifeless, flat orbs staring back at him. "This is what you really want, is it? To forget that I ever existed?"

"No, Miss Morgan..." he said slowly, keeping her dead gaze easily. "To forget that we existed."

The room went quiet around them. There was a part of her that had prepared herself for this, but that part was not significant enough to stop the feelings of hopelessness that now took root inside her. She really, truly believed that they were going to be together. Even if it was years from now, she thought it all would work out in the end. But then he removed his memories and she had a brief moment of true panic when she thought it might be permanent. She was still worried, but then he said he had his memories. He just said he wouldn't look at them. They were something he could get back. There was a glimmer of hope in her dull eyes then. It was small, but it was there. Lucinda looked at him again, expectantly. "You might change your mind." She said in a whisper.

Snape shook his head slowly. "Stop holding on, Miss Morgan. You're making it very apparent why I removed my memories in the first place."

"Well you'll never know, then, will you?" The confidence in her voice was starting to come back. "It's all speculation. You don't have a clue what we've been through together. The conversations we've had. The time we've spent together—"

"Enough of this." Snape barked, pulling his hands from his pockets and balling them into fists at his sides. "I don't want to know."

"You might later. Years from now, even—"

"Listen to me, you stupid girl!" He snapped. "I will never look at those memories! Get it through your overly-imaginative head and get over it! I will never look at them! I am going to destroy them!"

Another silence settled over them. Lucinda knit her brow and a small frown started to tug the corners of her mouth down. Snape watched it, face shamefully heated and flushed red. He kept his fists clenched, because he was afraid if he relaxed them, they would shake uncontrollably. He'd witnessed this look in her eyes before—just once before... in the only bit of memory he'd seen. He really hated this look on her. He hated the way it made him feel.

"De...destroy them?" Lucinda hesitated. "You... you wouldn't do that. You absolutely would do th—"

"I've already started to." He said and squeezed harder against his fingers.

"You're lying!"

"I have only a few left to get rid of and then this will be done with. Then you can leave me alone."

The panic was bubbling up again. It was boiling her insides and squeezing painfully against her heart. She felt like she couldn't breathe. In reality, she was breathing very fast and spasmodically. Snape tried to ignore it.

"Calm down." He said harshly, but Lucinda looked away from him.

Puffs of air blew out her flared nostrils and she stared down at her potions notes and books on the table. Suddenly she began shoving her things into her bag again. She needed to distract herself from this nonsense. Her hands shook and her breath expelled in great rasps, but she grabbed her papers in fistfuls and crammed them into the bag. "Fine." She mumbled and her voice trembled. "That's fine. I'm used to your selfishness. I'm used to you hurting me—" She jammed the last book into her bag and then swung it over her shoulder. "I'm used to your inconsistencies and you only thinking of yourself!"

"Calm down." He tried again, but now he was getting agitated. "I told you that this was the best for both of us, didn't I?"

"How?" Lucinda snapped, smacking her hand down on the table and glaring at him from across it. "It's easy for you, because you don't know—you don't have the memories holding you back or weighing you down! Of course you think it's for the best, when you don't have to deal with it! Instead, I'm left to deal with it on my own!"

"Then learn to control your emotions." He seethed, barely getting the sentence out without yelling it. "If you can't deal with something as trivial as this, then you'll have no chance in the real world."

"Oh, you fucking hypocrite—" She threw up her hands and pivoted on the spot, walking away from him.

Snape felt his blood boil and strode along the table next to her, cutting her off at the end and throwing himself between her and the door. "Excuse me?" He hissed, eyes going a little wider.

"You heard me." She said quietly, gripping the strap to her bag tighter in her hands. "You're a bloody hypocrite! You talk all this nonsense about controlling your emotions and getting over it, when you—yourself—couldn't even do that! You couldn't handle the memory of me, so you snuffed it out! What does that say about you?!"

She had him! She completely had him there! Snape's fists tremored at his sides, as he watched her with fury. "I-I—" He stammered, his face red with rage.

"Lucky you!" Lucinda continued angrily, but her eyes deceived her with a few tears that welled up there. "You get to live your life careless and concern-free, taking what you want from others and then you simply forget them! If you truly want what's best for everyone, why don't you take my memories, too?!"

Snape shook his head instantly. "I can't do that."

"Sure you can." The girl's tone suddenly turned condescending. "The all-powerful Severus Snape can't remove my memories? Come now, that can't be true—"

"I am warning you, Miss Morgan..." Snape breathed, jaw quaking with ferocity. "I am exceptionally skilled at controlling my temper, but you are testing my patience."

"Then just take my memories and this will be over with—"

"I cannot and will not even attempt it."

Lucinda's grip loosened on the strap and her face smoothed out a little from its angry stance. "Please..." she pleaded quietly. "Please, just take them."

Snape swallowed a lump in his throat and his eyes softened just a fraction. "I'm sorry," he said, trying very hard not to sound so harsh. "I really am, Miss Morgan... but I can't."

Her eyes let slip a tear and the girl brushed it away with her free hand. Okay, she thought. Okay, this is okay. I am okay. I am going to be okay... She sniffed loudly and breathed as steadily as she could and then nodded once. Alright. This was it. It was time for her to stand on her own two feet. The significance of her friendship with professor Snape was no more. She'd only known him a few months. He just turned out to be nothing more than a passing soul in her life—that was evident when she looked in his eyes and saw a completely different person. He had to have known he might decide to never look at his memories of her again; that he might decide to destroy them. If he was willing to take that risk and possibly even expect that outcome, he truly didn't care for her anymore. He didn't care what happened to her or her happiness. He didn't care. He was done. Hell, he was done before anything had even begun. This was his decision and there was no changing it. She'd lost him. The only lasting comfort she had now was that he was still here. She could still see him and talk to him as her professor. Maybe one day he would seek out a new friendship with her, even if all of their previous memories were gone forever. But for now... she had to treat this like the end. She had to let go. She had to think of it as forever. Any kind of friendship or relationship with Severus Snape was completely gone and she was never going to have one again.

"Miss Morgan..." Snape spoke cautiously, watching her frozen face. Her gaze had drifted off to the floor and she hadn't moved or spoken for several minutes. "Miss Morgan, do we have an understanding?"

Lucinda slowly raised her eyes to look at him. Their gazes locked, but Snape no longer saw the desperation in her eyes. He saw acceptance. In all honesty, he wasn't completely positive that he felt okay about it. But it was definitely for the best. He was sure of it. They would move on from this ridiculous charade. They would move past this and Severus' life would return to normal.

The girl's chin tilted up lightly and then back down again in a small nod. Her eyes remained dry after that. They sat flat and lifeless in her face once more when she looked at him. After a moment, she dropped her gaze again and then walked past her potions professor.

"One more thing, Miss Morgan." She heard the man say behind her.

Lucinda paused and turned around to look at him.

Dead eyes again... He thought and chewed his cheek uncomfortably, but spoke anyway. "I know that it's none of my business, nor my place to say so..." he spoke slowly, ever so tentatively and curiously. Lucinda listened, expressionless. "Tristin Samael..." he continued with an air of forewarning. "I don't think it would be in your best interest to continue seeing him. He is not a very... honorable person."

The light in Lucinda's eyes flickered into life for just a second and her eyebrows rose up in acknowledgment, but then it faded again. She looked at her professor's unconcerned face and hiked the bag up on her shoulder more. "You're right, professor Snape..." She said blankly and turned away, walking to the classroom doorway. Then she looked over her shoulder at him. "It is none of your business." Then she looked to the floor a moment, turned, and then she left.

When he was alone again, Snape finally unclenched his fists. His fingers ached from the intensity of holding such a stance for so long and they trembled as he held them out in front of himself. He stared down at the crescent moon markings on his palms where his fingernails had sunk into his flesh. His hands trembled more.

He had lied.

He had lied, absolutely.

The memories were untouched. None of them had been destroyed and he didn't plan on destroying them either. But he did not plan to look at them—that much was true. He also could have taken her memories from her. It wasn't as though he was incapable of doing it... but in doing so would have revealed the memories he'd already been rid of. He couldn't risk looking at them, just to allow the girl her own relief. Yes, she was also right about that. He was selfish. He was a hypocrite.

He was.

A/N: How's everyone doing? Sorry for the shorter than usual chapter. There was no good place to stop after this scene. I kind of felt that it needed to end here. I hope you're enjoying the story to some extent. Don't be afraid to drop a comment or review. It really motivates me and lets me know I'm not just writing this for myself. :P