XXXVIII
"All the most powerful emotions come from chaos -fear, anger, love- especially love. Love is chaos itself. Think about it! Love makes no sense. It shakes you up and spins you around. And then, eventually , it falls apart."― Kirsten Miller, The Eternal Ones
"Bird?" Oswald asked in a whisper as he took a few slow steps into the hospital room with his eyes locked on his best friend, who was sitting in a chair next to the hospital bed.
When she raised her head and looked at him, he could see tear steaks down her face and her eyes looked painfully red.
"Look." She breathed, nodding to the bed where her boyfriend was lying, "Just look what Falcone had done to him."
Oswald's eyes slowly moved from Bird, over to the bed where Harvey Dent was laying with his face badly beaten.
Slowly he walked into the room further, clearing his throat he stuttered out, "Is h-he going to make a full recovery?"
Letting go of Harvey's hand that she'd been sitting there holding, she stood up, walking towards Oswald, she said, "From what they've told me, yes."
"Then all is well?" He asked in a hopeful voice, knowing that Bird was prone to react out of emotion and if she made a move against the Don before time was right then it would put everything he'd worked for in jeopardy.
"No, Oswald!" Bird hissed in a whisper, "All is not well, just look at him! He's black and blue from head to toe. He's got a level two concussion and was so agitated that they had to sedate him before I ever got here. He hasn't woke up yet."
Looking down her chin quivered as she continued, "They thought he might have had a couple broken ribs, but luckily they're just badly bruised." Scoffing at her own words, she rolled her eyes, "Lucky? What am I saying… those take more than a month to heal up and it's painful. But it beats broken ribs and a punctured lung."
"The important thing is that he will recover." Oswald reminded her. Though in truth, he wished Falcone had just had his men kill Harvey Dent. Then one of his problems would be solved and he, himself, wouldn't be at fault.
Oswald was sure that if Harvey was no longer in the picture, things between himself and Bird would go back to how it used to be.
Slowly he stepped forward and in a rare moment of bravery when it came to his interactions with her; he hugged her.
Tears welled back up in her eyes as she held onto him and returned the embrace. Stepping back; she questioned, "What are you doing here?"
"I came for you." He admitted, glancing to the bed where Harvey still appeared to be asleep and lowered his voice,"For your sake –to talk you down from doing something that could result in you ending up in worse shape than Harvey Dent."
"Doing something like kill Falcone?" Bird asked, her jaw tensed, "Torture isn't even a fitting word for what I'm going to do to him."
His eyebrows raised, remembering a time when Fish Mooney had said nearly the same thing to him. "Y-you sound like Fish." He pointed out.
"No." Bird said with a low laugh, "Fish didn't have it in her to kill the old man. But me? I'm going to make him wish he was dead."
He could have sworn her brown eyes turned to black as she hissed through her teeth, "Falcone wants some heartless, skilled killer? Then that's what he'll get. He'll see just how heartless I can be. I swear to god, I'm going to make him pay for this…"
"Bird, no." Oswald argued, shaking his head frantically from side to side, "You're not thinking clearly… you see, this why I'm here –to prevent you from going on a suicide mission."
Pointing to the bed she cried out, "He did not deserve this!"
Lowering her voice, she tried to catch her breath, but all that came out were strained noises and fits of air, "I did this! I made a stupid move because I knew I wouldn't get hurt from it and then he's jumped by two guys on his way to work? I was prepared to take a beating, I was ready for my punishment, but this… this is wrong. He didn't do anything." Her eyes looked as deep as an ocean in her despair as she breathed out with a bitter taste, "The only thing he's done wrong was love me."
His own jaw tensed at her words, and his gaze sharply cut over to Harvey, before he looked back at Bird and asked, "Were you really surprised at how this turned out?"
"What are you-" She started to ask, but he cut her off.
"Or don't you remember how many times Don Falcone had Fish's lovers hurt as punishment?" He reminded her.
"Of course I do." Bird nodded, "But this is different... this..." Her voice trailed off and an even deeper look of guilt took over her expression.
She should have known, she thought to herself. Oswald was right, she shouldn't have been surprised at how the situation had panned out.
Not after so many times of witnessing nearly similair situations happen to her boss when she was working under Fish Mooney.
"Take a step back." Oswald pleaded, "Bird, you have to look at the bigger picture. If you were to confront Don Falcone, he'd kill you and if by some chance you were able to injure or kill him –then any number of his men would take you down, right then and there."
"Then you step up and take the throne." She shrugged, no longer caring about what happened to herself.
"You'll be dead!" He hissed through his un-brushed teeth, shaking his head at her. "And we both know that would never work –there would be too many rising up to fill his shoes." His hands trembled down at his sides as he continued, "I won't let you destroy all of the work we've put in. Bird, listen to me… we have to carry everything out as we have planned. When the moment finally comes to be rid of Don Falcone… that moment will be yours."
"That could be months to a year away from now!" Bird complained, looking frantic as she raked her trembling fingers through her hair.
"Your only option is to wait for the right time." He said, hobbling over to where she was standing and adding, "Failure is not an option –not after everything we've worked for."
"This is unacceptable." She hissed in a whisper at him, "I don't care about the stupid plan anymore. What don't you understand? Someone I love is lying in a hospital bed because of Carmine Falcone –who should be six feet under, rotting away with bugs eating what's left of his shriveled body-"
"You will not tear down everything we've built!" He raised his voice at her, taking a step forward, he was now trembling with rage too as he repeated, "I won't let you!"
"And just how do you think you're going to stop me, Oswald? Hmm?" She was in his face as she spoke. He'd seen her doing this other people before to intimidate them, but he couldn't recall a time she'd tried to tactic on him.
"You'd turn on me?" He nearly gasped, pointing a shaking finger towards the occupied hospital bed as he added, "You'd turn on me, your oldest and closest friend… for that?"
"He isn't a 'that', he is a person!" She argued, growing even more enraged with just his mere presence.
"I don't care." He admitted, his voice cracking with conviction, "In our grand scheme of things, he is nothing!"
"You mean your grand scheme?"
"Yes!" Closing his eyes, he blew out a sigh and shook his head, trying to back pedal on his words, "No. This is our plan, our city, our thrones and leadership on the line." His voice lowered when he questioned, "Yet again you're doubting how much you mean to me? All of this is nothing without you. Without you everything falls apart..."
With an expression on his face of total disbelief, he breathed, "I never thought I'd live to see the day you'd turn against me. After all this time, after everything we've been through-"
"Are you kidding me right now?" The laugh that accompanied her words was unhinged, "I have never turned on you. I have been nothing but loyal to you Oswald, and I'm paying a high price for that. So don't you dare question my devotion to you, you know exactly how much you mean to me."
His eyes moved over her face and slowly his anger faded and he knew the battle had been won.
"Then you understand why you can't make a move against Falcone." His words were simple, tone back to calm and collected. She didn't even have to say anything for him to know she'd given in.
He'd often get caught up in the fact that she'd started bringing new people into her life, but he also was aware of how much he meant to her, and if he had to leverage that against her –then so be it.
It was for her own good, he told himself.
Bird turned her back to him, shaking her head and closing her eyes, realizing he was yet again manipulating her to get what he wanted.
Slowly turning around to face him, her expression was twisted in pain and she slowly nodded. "Fine, but when we kill The Roman-"
"All yours." He promised with a curt nod.
They stood in silence for a few moments before they heard Harvey make a small groan and start to move around in the bed.
"You need to go before he wakes up." She whispered, placing a hand on Oswald's back and pushing him towards the door knowing his presence would only upset her boyfriend more than he was already likely to be.
Just as he was outside of the room, he turned back to face her and he could see the tears welling up in her eyes. She pulled in a breath and admitted, "You know, when you first showed up, I really thought you were here because you knew I really needed someone."
Her eyebrows raised as she added, "Stupid me, huh? To actually believe that you were here for me and not to suit your own agenda."
"Bird-" He frantically called out, but didn't get the chance to plead his case as she shut the door in face and leaned against it to make sure he couldn't come back in.
Once she was sure he was gone, she checked the hallway before shutting the door again and walked back over to the bed, returning to the chair she'd been sitting in when Oswald showed up.
Sliding her hand under where Harvey's hand was lying beside him, she gently clutched onto him as she asked, "Harvey?"
He made another pained noise and slowly turned his head to look at her, for a fleeting moment appearing confused as he tried to sit up before dropping back down and breathing heavily from the pain he was in.
"You're awake." She whispered, lacing her fingers with his as she spoke.
"There were…" He rasped in a dry voice, "There were two guys… I was in the parking garage-"
"I know." She nodded, tears glistening in her eyes as she questioned, "Did they say anything to you?"
Closing his eyes he swallowed hard and pulled his hand away from hers to readjust the oxygen tubing, as he remembered exactly what happened.
They'd given him a message to pass on to Bird, to tell her that the next time Don Falcone tasks her with a job –he expects perfection in return.
"I am so sorry." Bird whispered, no longer able to keep the tears at bay as they slid down her cheeks. Standing up she leaned over the bed and gently kissed him, before leaning up and vowing, "I will make Falcone pay for this –maybe not tomorrow or next week, but one day-"
"No." He argued, reaching a hand up and capturing her hand in his grip to get her attention, "You'll get yourself killed."
"Harvey-" She started to say, but stopped when he tried to sit up farther in the bed, but hurt so bad that he couldn't move. There were shooting pains across his chest making it feel impossible to even take a breath.
Frustrated from being so helpless and hurt, he hissed through gritted teeth, "This is exactly why I've been telling you to leave this part of your life behind. Falcone rules out of fear and people always get hurt." His eyes closed and he took in a rattling breath and added, "If you'd quit Fish's club months ago, or left Gotham like I told you to do…"
"I would give anything to go back, but I can't. I am so, so sorry." She replied in a cracking voice as she struggled to catch her own breath, "I'm-"
"You're a criminal, Starling." He accused, turning his head on the pillow to look away from her and continued, "I looked past it, but it doesn't change what you are and nothing good ever comes from that type of life."
Watching with a shattered and helpless expression as he tried to move around in the bed again, she stammered, "H-here, let me help you."
"Stop it!" He yelled, knocking her hands away when she went to reach for his pillow to help him readjust.
He hated himself for the outburst as it happened, knowing she didn't deserve it, but he couldn't stop himself. He was in more pain than he'd ever been in –in his entire life and more scared than he'd like to admit.
It was a blitz attack he'd never seen coming and he didn't stand a chance against the two men continually pummeling on him. It also had reminded him of feeling so helpless when his dad would severely beat him as a child.
It was too much, everything that day had been too much and as much as he tried to not blame her, it couldn't really be helped.
"Harvey, I just want to help you." She pleaded, more tears rolling down her face as she tried to convince herself that he was just lashing out from the pain, but his words rang true in her mind. Reaching back out, she again tried to assist him, but he caught her hand and held it painfully tight in his as he said, "You want to help me? Get out."
"What?" She sputtered, wincing in pain when he continued to hold onto her hand with such strength it felt like all of her bones were being smashed together, until he let go of her with the same force he'd been squeezing it with.
"Just go." He sighed.
"You're in pain… I'll go get a nurse and-" Her breathing was labored, rushing rapidly in and out of her lungs and her mouth hung open as she held onto her now aching and sore hand with her good one.
"I don't want you here." He coldly said, trying to move again only to be knocked down by the pain and weakness he was in.
Helpless, his head fell back against the pillows and he stared straight up to the ceiling as he said, "Everything bad in life this past year has been because of you –from the minute you walked into my life… all the bad has been you."
With a noise comparable to getting the wind knocked out of her she stumbled backwards, nearly tripping over her own feet as she did. She took her time, moving painfully slow to gather her purse and jacket –giving him all the time in the world to change his mind and ask her to stay, but he wouldn't even look back to her.
Just before stepping out of him room, she dried all the tears from her face and looked back towards the bed one last time, before stepping out into the hallway.
Bird managed to hold it together while she located a nurse and told them Harvey was awake and in need of something for pain, but once she reached the alcove in the hallway where the elevators were, she started having trouble breathing.
After pressing the down arrow button several times, her eyes started to burn with tears and she fought against the need to cry. She was not going to break down, not here. For all she knew Falcone had people watching her and she wasn't going to give him the satisfaction to see how badly having Harvey injured had broken her.
Finally with a ding, one of the elevators opened and she started to rush on to it, thinking once the doors closed behind her she'd at least be out of sight for when the tears started to pour like rain.
That was until she nearly bumped into someone, not even looking up she mumbled an 'excuse me' under her breath and backed up.
"How is he?" Jim questioned, as he stepped off of the elevator and faced her.
"He's awake." She managed to choke out, sputtering as she choked on the breath she tried to take. "He's… he's going to be okay."
An ever growing sense of panic was starting to grow within her.
Control was how she kept her world from falling apart, how she kept from falling apart. Chaos had always been her undoing, and right now she didn't feel in control of anything at all.
"That's good." Jim said, "That's good news." A confused expression taking over his features, realizing she seemed like she was on the verge of breaking down, he lowered his voice as he asked, "I know this is a really stupid question… but are you okay?"
"Yes." She nodded.
"Yes, it's a stupid question? Or, Yes, you're okay."
"Yes, Jim!" She yelled, feeling anger momentarily take over the despair as she continued, "Yes, okay? Yes to every damn thing you say and said before. You were right, okay? Someone as bad as me doesn't deserve someone like him. Everything I do puts the people around me in danger and yes this is all my fault!"
With that she brushed past him, heading for the stairs instead of the elevator,ignoring him as he called her after to stop.
Making it about halfway down the second flight of stairs, Bird finally came to a stop, her grip was tight on the railing and everything in her body felt unsteady as she slowly lowered down until she was sitting on the stairs.
Hearing the footsteps approaching behind her, she closed her eyes and rested her forehead against the cold metal railing and refused to look over when she felt Jim sit down on the step beside her.
"Just go home, Jim." She finally complained, still feeling like she was on the verge of breaking down and when she couldn't hold the tears back any longer she didn't want an audience.
"I can't." He quietly said.
"Why?" She whispered, still refusing to look back at him.
"Like you said earlier, you don't have anyone-" He started to remind her, but she was having no part of it.
"Yeah? Well, that doesn't mean I need you." Her teeth were gritted as she spoke, and he watched her body shaking as she tried to control her breathing. It was plain to see she was using every last ounce of restraint she had to hold everything together.
"Well, it doesn't work that way." Jim argued with her, his voice barely over a whisper as he pointed out, "You can't repeatedly come to me for help and then just expect me to walk away when something like this happens. I'm here, you've got me whether you like it or not."
Slowly she turned her head and looked over at him with a pained but nearly unreadable expression on her face. Very few people in her life had ever cared enough to stick around when things got tough, even fewer would realize that her trying to push them away was actually a test to see if she meant enough for them to stay and fight through the thick of it.
"You were right." She quietly said, "The longer I stay in this life, the more I'm putting everyone I care about in danger."
"This was one of those times where I didn't want to be right." He admitted to her.
The stairwell fell into silence, until he finally pulled in a breath and asked, "What happened up there? What did he say to you?" With a nod towards the ceiling.
"Terrible things." Bird offered up with a weak chuckle and a shrug, "He blames me, which he has every single right too. This is entirely my fault."
Jim stayed silent as he listened. He wanted to say that it wasn't her fault, say anything that might make her feel better –but he also wasn't going to lie to her and tell her none of the blame rested on her shoulders.
"He probably needs some time." Jim finally said, knowing the words were probably pointless to her ears. Nothing he could say could make the situation any better on her.
"Clearly you don't know him very well." Bird scoffed, shaking her head before she elaborated, "There's no in between. Not with us. Things are either really good or really bad and right now I'm scared we'll never get past the bad."
Pulling in a wavering breath, she mumbled, "How can we, when I'm the bad?"
Picking up on what she'd said, Jim eyed her from the corner of his eye and asked, "What do you mean really bad? How bad?"
"It doesn't matter." She sighed, seeming to grow despondent again.
It wasn't like he was ever much of a fan of talking about feelings either, but it was so frustrating when it came to Bird. There were so many moments where he started to feel like something had gotten through to her or she was going to just be herself –and then just as quickly as that side of her appeared, it would vanish.
As she reached up to move her hair out of her face and tuck it behind her ears, he caught sight of her slightly swollen –now discolored and bruised hand.
Knowing she wasn't like that when they'd see each other earlier in the day, he asked, "What happened to your hand?"
Looking down, she cringed as she made a fist a few times before shrugging the question off, but he wasn't ready to let it go.
"You weren't hurt earlier…" His voice trailed off, her words replaying over in his mind of how she'd told him things were either really good or really bad between herself and Harvey.
His eyebrows lowered as he looked over at her and asked, "Did Harvey do that?"
Swallowing hard, Bird tucked her hands into her pockets to hide the injury from him. When she heard him pull in a breath like he was about to say something, she quickly explained, "He's not really himself. They gave him medicine earlier and-"
"And it sounds like you're making a lot of excuses." He cut in.
"My god!" She exclaimed, every ounce of frustration she felt coming out clearly in her tone when she loudly asked, "What do you want me to say, Jim?"
"The truth." He answered. Earning a scoff from her. Everyone always said that's what they wanted, but in reality most everyone just wants to hear whatever will make them feel better. Everyone says they want the truth until they don't like what they hear, or rather don't care enough to face it.
"You want the truth?" She laughed, and the control she'd been holding over her emotions let go and tears started to fall down her cheeks as she stared back at him and said, "The truth is that I don't even feel like an entire person. I'm just fragmented pieces floating around and nothing fits together. All Oswald cares about anymore is power, he was the one person I could always count on and now I'm not entirely convinced he'd even think twice before using me as a stepping stone."
Her mind drifted back to when he'd tried to get her to plunge a knife in to him to get his point across and get what he wanted. She wasn't sure of too many worse feelings than looking into the eyes of someone you love and care about, while they are so easily manipulating you.
"And then Falcone wants to mold me into the perfect little solider. I'm too emotional, he says. Victor thinks I'm entirely useless. My little brother asks me questions all the time about my life, questions that I can't answer –but it's not like I can keep him in the dark forever. And then Harvey-" Her voice grew even more hoarse and she tried to clear her throat, "Says he loves and that he wants to be with me… all I have to do is change everything I am."
As she raised her hands to angrily swat the tears still rolling down her cheeks, Jim's eyes landed on her bruised hand again. Slowly he looked away from her, clearly able to see that she didn't want anyone to see her cry. He quietly empathized, "Sounds like you're being pulled in a lot of directions."
"Like a thousand different directions." She agreed with a rushed nod, "And no matter what I do, or what direction I take… I'm going to end up losing someone I love and it just… it makes me so sick, because I put up with so much from the people I care about. So how is it that I always end up being the one that no one really wants or cares enough to stick around for; why is it that who I am, is never good enough for anyone?"
His gaze fell to the floor, she had questions that he couldn't begin to have the answers too.
But he was really starting to see her differently, gain a better understanding of why she acted the way she did.
Some of it he, himself, could relate to. Growing up he'd always resented his father's strength, felt like he never fully measured up to what was expected of him. Even after being successful in his own life, even being named a war hero when he was in the army –there was still something inside of him that never felt like it was enough.
"Look…" He breathed, finally looking back over in her direction, "Despite what you try to make people believe, you're human." With a slight shrug he added, "If you keep letting yourself be stretched too thin for everyone around you, there's eventually going to be nothing left."
"Why are you even being nice to me?" She asked, wiping the last of her tears from her reddened cheeks as the water finally stopped raining from her bloodshot eyes, "You think I'm a monster."
"I never said that." He was quick to defend.
"But you think it."
"I don't." He tried to assure her, his eyes briefly locking with hers as he spoke, "You're not a monster."
"Yeah?" She scoffed, "Try telling Harvey that, cause the way he looked at me up in the hospital room…" Her voice trailed off as she felt her eyes starting to burn again, and she swore herself off of crying.
Raising her head, she turned some on the step to face him better as she realized out loud, "Most people run away from danger, and they can't understand why someone would be drawn to it." Motioning to him she continued, "But you get it. I mean you picked a career where your job is to literally run towards danger."
"And when someone doesn't understand that…" Running her tongue over her lips, she gave another small shrug, "They just can't understand it."
The whole time she'd been in Harvey's hospital room, she'd been convincing herself that once he woke up, they'd somehow be okay again –even if it took a while to get there.
She'd expected him to be more than upset and angry over what happened, but she didn't expect him to act the way he had towards her.
She wanted to push it off to the medicine they'd given him, or the concussion he'd suffered. But she could see it in his eyes, when he told her all the bad in his life now was her fault –that somewhere, even if it was buried deep down; he believed it.
And as she'd slowly left the room, giving him every chance to take what he'd said back, it was the loneliest feeling in the world. Being in the same room with the person she'd fallen in love, wanting nothing more than to help and comfort him –when all he wanted was for her to leave.
Slowly Jim nodded, his forehead lining as he stared back at her, knowing exactly what she was talking about.
Though it had been quite some time ago that Barbara had left town, leaving him nothing more than a note saying she just couldn't stay there anymore, it still weighed on his mind. Even after he'd called and left a message pleading for her to come back, even opening up and admitting he didn't think he could do this without her –she stayed gone.
And while a part of him couldn't blame her, after seeing what she'd seen and coming close to paying with her life for being in a relationship with him, he could understand why she'd have ran. It seemed to come back to what Bird had said, that some people run to danger while other flock in the opposite direction. Barbara couldn't understand his reasoning and motivations to stay there, to continue on the path he'd started with all the risks and hazards it posed.
Lee so far seemed to be a bit more understanding of it than Barbara had been, but he could still see it in her face –that it was something she couldn't fully wrap her head around either.
Bird didn't miss the look of pain in his eyes, she wasn't sure what he was thinking about, but she knew that expression. She'd seen in the mirror more times than she could begin to count –that exact same lonely, broken appearance.
"It's lonely." She breathed with a nod, her breath catching in her throat when their eyes met, she managed to add in a whisper, "Running in the opposite direction as everyone else."
"It is." He agreed, his own voice barely loud enough for her to hear, and before he could stop himself his eyes dropped to her lips, before raising back up to meet hers.
"Sometimes, you don't even want to." Her voice was somehow even quieter, slowly becoming aware of just how close his face was to hers, swallowing hard she continued, "But the danger pulls you in anyways."
Her eyes roamed over his face and she just barely caught her breath when her heartbeat grew uneven as she found herself drawn deeper into the moment with him, their faces even closer than before.
So close, that his lips just barely brushed against hers as he added, "Even when all you want to do is run the other way…"
There was barely any space left between them, all thoughts and reasoning seemed to evade Bird in those moments, the only thing she was aware of was him.
The same could be said for Jim, when the rest of the world seemed to blur around them and he leaned in further, capturing her lips in a kiss.
No longer aware of anything around them, they were entirely lost in the moment with each other. His hands tangled in her soft hair, pulling her closer and not letting her go.
Her mouth hungrily moved with his, welcoming the escape and distraction from the pain she'd been in.
The reality of what was happening didn't hit either of them until the kiss was broken, and they sat staring wide eyed at each other, neither of them quite able to find words yet.
Bird grabbed onto the railing beside her and pulled herself to her feet, still wearing the same shocked expression in complete disbelief over what had happened.
"I'm sorry." Jim apologized, also getting to his feet and facing her. He wasn't entirely sure himself what had happened, just that it shouldn't have happened. He was starting up a new relationship with Lee and Bird was with Harvey.
"No, no. no…" Bird breathed, her eyes clamping shut as she shook her head back and forth, "This can't… this didn't happen."
"Yeah, it sort of did." He stated, glancing down to the floor as he spoke.
"No." She argued, "Harvey is laying up there in a hospital bed and you've got… what's her name?"
"Lee."
"Yes, exactly! You've got a Lee!" She whisper yelled at him, jabbing a finger in his direction as if the blame fell squarely on him and she wasn't a willing participant.
"It's complicated…" He mumbled his recently overused catch phrase for whenever her name was brought up, before finally sighing an admission, and rubbing his forehead as he spoke "I've got a Lee."
"I'm upset… I'm in a bad place, and people do stupid things when they're in bad places." She scrambled to say, with a million other reasons running through her mind as she started down the stairs to get away from him and outside for fresh air.
It felt different from when she kissed Harvey and it was certainly a different feeling then when Oswald had planted one on her at the club when they'd had too much drink. Shaking the thoughts from her head, she nearly missed a step and lost her balance –but luckily was able to grab onto the railing and stop herself before she fell.
Leaning over the railing to see she'd stopped on the flight of stairs beneath the one they'd been sitting in, Jim watched and listened as he heard her mumbling several more excuses for what had happened between them, with her voice gently echoing off the walls around them, he could just barely make out some of what she was saying.
From what he could hear, it sounded like she was trying to convince herself that it was all his fault.
Which, he was willing to accept his part in the blame –but he wasn't going to let her turn this into a situation where she thought herself to be blameless.
It takes two to tango, after all.
His thoughts also kept being pulled back to how she'd reacted when he'd asked about her bruised and slightly swollen hand, how quick she'd been to name off one excuse after another.
"You're just full of excuses today, aren't you?" He called down to where she was still standing.
Taking a few steps back, she jerked her head up to look at where he was on the landing above her and the expression on her face turned to a scowl, before reminding him in a less than friendly tone, "This never happened."
~(Later that night)~
"You really think I should?" Barbara questioned, looking down to her cosmopolitan, as she sat at a table across from Bird.
"Yes." Bird nodded, "It's your apartment, B. You need to take it back."
"I don't know…" She breathed, "I told you about that girl picking up the phone when I called."
Drinking down the last of her drink, Bird said, "If that's the case we'll just kill her."
"That's really not funny coming from someone who has killed people." Barbara said with a laugh that faded when Bird shrugged and said, "Maybe it wasn't meant to be funny."
Staring down to her empty glass, Bird swallowed hard. Since leaving the hospital, she'd wandered the streets some before ending up at Harvey's apartment –where she'd gathered some of his things and left them with a nurse at the hospital.
It was then that she'd been slapped in the face with the realization that she really didn't anyone to turn to.
It was something she'd been saying all day, but it was still a different kind of cross to bear when she was left alone out in the Gotham cold.
At the end of it all, the only person she could think to call was Barbara Kean –possibly the only other person in the city just as broken and miserable as she, herself was.
Misery loves company after all.
Of course, within the first few minutes of meeting her at a bar for drinks, Barbara had brought up how much she missed Jim and Bird was reminded of how he'd kissed her at the hospital.
The thoughts were immediately followed by an overwhelming feeling of guilt for not only letting it happen in the first place, but also withholding the information from her new friend that Jim was seeing someone.
No wonder Harvey ordered her out of his hospital room, she was apparently an even worse person than she'd thought.
Drinking down the last of the contents from her own glass, Barbara said with a new found confidence, "Let's go. I'm taking my apartment back… I love my apartment."
When they reached her place, Barbara kicked off her shoes just inside of the door and flipped the light on. Looking around she saw obvious traces that someone had been there recently.
Nearly knocking over a lamp when she switched it on, Barbara led Bird into the living room where they found Selina Kyle and Ivy Pepper camped out on the couch. Both young teens stared back at them with an equal amount of shock.
"Hi…" Barbara breathed, looking between them.
Slowly turning her head to look at Selina, Ivy complained, "I told you someone would come home."
"Where's Jim?" Barbara asked, her words a little slurred.
"He dropped off his keys, like last week." Selina replied, giving a small wave to Bird.
Looking beside her Barbara asked, "Did you hear that? He dropped his keys off… like last week."
"I heard it." Bird nodded, for a moment worrying it was going to send her new friend into a downward spiral until the blonde let out a huff and shrugged, "So screw him anyway then, right?"
With that she picked up the open box of cereal off the coffee table and dropped onto the couch beside Ivy, and started to eat some of the cereal from the box.
Bird sat down on the other couch facing her, and Selina climbed back up on the armrest she'd been spending the night crouched on so far.
"So who are you guys?" Barbara questioned, her voice muffled from the food. Looking at her friend she asked, "Do you know them?"
"I do." Bird nodded, seeming amused at the little gathering that was now taking place At this point any distraction was a welcome one, and she was quickly realizing it must have been one of them who'd picked up the phone when Barbara had called.
She hadn't thought Jim would bring someone he was seeing to his ex-girlfriend's apartment, but then again she didn't peg him as the type to kiss her in a stairwell at the hospital either.
Letting out a sigh at herself and forcing the thoughts of him from her head, "This is Selina." She introduced, nodding to the girl at the end of the couch she was on. "And the redhead next to you is Ivy."
"Ah." Barbara breathed, "That's nice."
Ivy looked to Selena with slightly widened eyes, wondering if they were in trouble for being caught there and hoping no one would call the police on them.
Picking up the jar of peanut butter she'd been eating from, Selina clanked the spoon against it and looked around as she asked, "You want us to leave?"
"No." Barbara answered, passing the cereal box over to Ivy and saying, "It's nice to have people around and I don't have many friends. What about you, B? You want them to go?"
Bird laughed at Barbara referring to her with the exact same nickname she'd been using for her, "They can stay, I'm in the same boat with you, after all. The last girl I made friends with was killed."
"How did she die?" Ivy questioned, as Selina side-eyed Bird from where she was perched.
"Choked to death." Bird answered in a dry tone.
"Hey!" Barbara exclaimed, seeming suddenly hit with a wave of excitement, "You guys wanna order Chinese? We could rent a movie off cable!"
~()~
"Couldn't sleep either?" Barbara asked, walking into her kitchen to find Bird sitting on the counter eating left over, cold, lo mein noodles with chopsticks from the box.
"Nope." She admitted, "I don't think I'm ever in bed this early anyways."
"Me either, even when Jim had to get up early for work I couldn't fall asleep before midnight." Watching Bird eating she got a sad look in her eyes and laughed, "You know, every time we'd order Chinese, Jim would always have to use a fork. I tried for twenty minutes one day and he never could get the hang of using chopsticks."
Sticking the chopsticks back in the soft noodles, no longer able to stomach the thought of food when Barbara always found a way to bring Jim back into the conversation, Bird asked, "Hungry, B?"
With a dramatic shrug she took the box and leaned up against the counter as she situated the sticks in her hand and said, "Thanks, B."
"You can't call me B." Bird laughed, "That's what I've been calling you and you can't just recycle it for me."
Cracking a smile, Barbara argued, "I can too and I like having the same nickname."
The kitchen fell into silence before Barbara finally said, "I'm sorry about what happened with Harvey, the things he said were awful and you didn't deserve it."
Kicking her legs as they hung off the counter top she sighed, "No, I deserved it."
Hearing her friend's voice crack, Barbara looked up and said, "It's at least nice to know I'm not the only one here who bawls like a baby when their heart is broken. I was beginning to think you were incapable of crying… when I first left Jim, crying was about the only thing I could find strength to do.
"I hate crying." Bird admitted, her jaw tensing as she tried to hold back the tears, "Especially in front of people… it's a weakness."
"It's an emotional reaction." She argued.
"It's a weakness."
"Then I'm weak." Barbara shrugged, "Just another flaw I guess."
Stabbing the sticks around in the noodles for a while she finally took a deep breath and said, "Maybe I really am weak. I mean, I built my entire life around Jim and once he was out of it… even though I'm the one who left, I could barely function. Being with Renee sorta filled the void, but it wasn't the same."
"I have my own life." Bird reasoned, "I just… I love him so much and I loved waking up beside him in the morning and falling asleep in his arms. It's the craziest thing because I lived for so long without that and now I can't imagine not having him there..."
"I miss that too." Barbara quietly whispered.
"Whatever though, right?" Bird said with a bitter laugh, "I guess it's better that this happened now… I kept holding onto him and his light like it would drown out my darkness, but I feel like maybe my darkness was dimming his light."
"Darkness isn't always bad." Barbara reasoned, "Sometimes it's hard to find your way in the dark, but it's a lot less scrutinizing than trying to walk around in the light. You can be naked in the dark, have everything out on display."
~()~
Bird blew out a sigh as she walked through the room and ran her fingers over the gathered leather covered panels lining the walls. The lighting in the center of the room reflected up off the nearly spotless, reflective black tiling that covered the floor.
In the direct center of the room was a sleek back bench styled leather couch and a fully glass low sitting coffee table in front of it.
As she ran her fingers over a part of the wall that felt different under her touch, she pushed in and there was a mechanical noise before the paneling moved and shifted all of the room, each leather faced panel turned and revealed neatly organized displays of every type of gun she could imagine.
"Whoa…" She breathed, turning in a slow circle to take it all in. It was unlike anything she'd ever seen before. Of course she'd seen large amounts of gun shipments coming and going through her criminal work in Gotham.
But this wasn't just a large collection of weapons, it was beautiful. No two guns were the same, and they were all meticulously cleaned and polished –reflecting the light like they were carved from glass.
Walking over she picked up one of the hand guns and felt the weight of it in her hand, just as she was putting it back, the door opened and she turned around.
Tilting her head slightly to the right side, Bird greeted, "Hi there."
Victor Zsasz stared back to her with a stunned expression, looking back through the door he'd just came in he asked, "How did you get in here?"
"Scaled the side of the building… broke in through your bedroom window." She admitted with a shrug, "Didn't this place use be where they'd print the Gotham Gazette?"
"A long time ago." He stated, still not moving from where he was standing, but he seemed to be irritated that she had one of his guns in her hands.
"Strange." She breathed, looking over to the black iron spiral stair case she'd come down from, "Your house is perfectly square."
Bird had quietly left Barbara's apartment once she'd fallen asleep on the couch across from the one the young teens were sleeping on. She'd gone home to her apartment and cleared out every single pill and joint she could find, she was sure after the profuse amount of alcohol that she'd poured down the drain in her kitchen would leave the place smelling like a bar for weeks.
After that she'd headed to the building Victor had converted into his living quarters. She'd followed him home once, not long after he'd broken into Harvey's apartment.
Fair was fair, she thought –he knew where she spent her time.
Stepping further into the downstairs he took his jacket off and laid it on the couch, before shrugging out of his cross-back double shoulder holster and gently laying it down on the glass table to where it didn't even make a sound.
Finally unable to take it any longer, he charged towards her and pulled the gun from her hands, wiping off all the smudges before securely placing it back in it's proper place.
Turning to face her, he asked, "Why are you here?"
It was just one of the many questions circling around in his head –the other ones at the top of the list was how she even knew where he lived and how she'd found the hidden switch to the wall panels.
"If I ask you something, will you be honest with me?" She pulled in a shaky breath, knowing his answer to the question she had to ask would dictate how the rest of the conversation would go, and whether it ended in conversation or blood being spilled.
"Yes." He answered, lying wasn't one of his fortes anyways. He didn't see a point to it.
"Did you hurt Harvey Dent?" She asked, her voice calm and emotionless as she questioned, "Were you one of the guys who hurt him?"
"No. I was sent after you this morning –not after him." Victor answered.
"Thank you." Bird simply answered, crossing the room to look at another display and he stood, turning in place to follow her with his eyes.
Pulling in a ragged breath she finally turned back his direction and admitted, "It's not natural talent, you know; my fighting skills and knowledge of weapons, on the spot thinking of battle strategy, I worked my ass off to learn everything I know. I fought so hard to get to where I am."
"And you broke into my house to tell me this?" He questioned tilting his head with disbelief.
Ignoring his statement she ran her tongue over her bottom lip and said, "I used to be pretty great and now… I'm in a haze all the time. I can't think straight most days and you wouldn't believe the dose of sleeping medicine I use to get to sleep at night."
Looking at him, she considered that from the look he was giving her, if he had eyebrows the right one would be halfway up his forehead by now.
He was staring at her like she was a lunatic, breaking into his house to tell him about her drug dependency. Though, her next admission would only further confuse him.
"Now I'm just out of control, and I don't just mean the drugs and booze either. My entire life has spun into chaos. I kissed Jim Gordon and then spent the night with his ex-girlfriend-"
"You what?" He cut her off.
When he stared blankly back at her, she realized how that sounded and quickly added, "I didn't mean it that way... we're friends, that's all."
"You're the one who brought it up." He pointed out to her, still at a total and complete loss as to why she was there to spill her problems.
He was an assassin, not a therapist.
"The point is… I don't know what's wrong with me." She admitted.
"Neither do I." Victor spoke up, "But I'm sure that is one very long list."
Ignoring his remark and recalling his words she said, "But now, look at me. I'm a stupid little girl playing with toy guns."
"Don't touch that." He threatened, darting over to her when she started to reach for another of his precious guns.
Holding her hands up in surrender, she walked away from him over to another panel and inspected the weapons.
She stayed quiet for so long, just staring ahead of her that he finally asked, "Bird?"
"My technique is sloppy." Bird said, turning to face him as she pointed out, "You told me that."
"I was right." Victor stated.
"Exactly. My technique is sloppy, I'm weak... I've been reduced from something that felt like part-machine to someone who cares too much for their own good. I want you to teach me how to not be weak anymore."
Slowly he stepped closer to her, a look of amusement in his dark eyes as he repeated, "Teach you?"
When she nodded, he grinned as he asked, "To be an effective killer?"
"To be great again." She confidently answered, "I'm already a killer and now it's my job, it's my life."
"Everything about your life is wrong for this kind of work. " He explained, "You're too arrogant to follow orders correctly, you feel too much and don't think enough. Your relationships hold you back… you don't even eat the right foods to keep your body strong."
"So make me a grocery list." Bird answered, not wavering from her stare.
Stepping closer to her, he seemed to speak in sync with his footsteps as he continued, "Being a weapon isn't a job… it's life."
He stopped just in front of her, clearly not sure how much to believe in what she was telling him.
After all, she always seemed to say one thing and do the opposite.
Stepping even closer to prove she wasn't scared and so he could see how serious she was, the look in her eyes was dark as she said, "Teach me."
A/N – I don't think I even realized how much happened in this chapter until I read back over it. :p
So much went down and I'm a little nervous –but hoping you all enjoyed the update!
Thanks to: Loopylucymac, SwingingOnAStar, Snuffles awesome, Love. Fiction. 2016, Miss E Charlotte and to Melody Jane for reviewing. :)
As always, you can find me on Tumblr (twofacedharveydent), and I'd also like to thank everyone who was favorited and/or added this story.