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After recruiting Kanye West, Donald Trump has ventured off to parts unknown in search of more Americans to join his militia. Unbeknownst to the bikers, Larry the Hellbane Guy is hard at work making his own preparations for the final battle. Do these righteous patriots stand a chance against the diabolical brother of Abe Lincoln?
"They call me monster. Zealot. Psychopath. Madman. Why, you ask? Because I have seen this sinful world for what it really is. America has gone astray, the souls of its people consumed by their endless malice and greed. Unlike my brother before me, I shall not delude myself into believing that this country that I love can be saved without sacrifice. For the pure-hearted to thrive, the souls of the unworthy must be cleared away! And that's exactly what I intend to do. I shall become the avatar of god's wrath in order to make America great again!"
Larry the Hellbane Guy recited his dark manifesto to himself as he blazed a path towards Fidel Castro's throne room. The Communist autarch's strongest guards rushed at him all at once, but they were all utterly decimated by the godlike abilities that Larry now possessed. The Backstreet Boy hewed their bodies in two with naught but a single slash of his Zanpakutō, watering the ground with their entrails and fleshy viscera.
Larry held his ground as Castro's enraged army of ten million strong advanced towards him. They began to circle his location in the middle of the courtyard where he stood, beating their spears against the ground and chanting throatily. Larry maintained his placid smile, unfazed by their show of force. He directed his icy gaze down the barrel of the tank gun that was pointed at his face and began to move calmly towards it.
The Marxist lord leading this impious task force raised his jeweled gauntlet and mustered a blood-curdling screech, ordering for his men to open fire in a repugnant tongue that could only be comprehended by the most wicked socialists among them. Larry remained perfectly still as Fidel Castro's army fired every last round at their disposal into his chiseled abs and bulging pectoral muscles. However, they all stood aghast after the smoke cleared, finding that their adversary was totally unscathed.
The Hellbane Guy withdrew Shaquille O'Neal's MP3 player, the gift of Washington that granted its users control over the forces of reality. As soon as he placed the accursed earbuds attached to this arcane relic into his ears, his foes began shrieking in pain. The temperature of the Communists' blood raised to a boil and began erupting out from every orifice in their bodies, pooling out from their chapped lips and the heads of their wizened dangalangs.
The cruel torture inflicted upon them by Larry continued until every last drop of blood in their bodies had either evaporated or spilled out of them. Their desiccated husks then collapsed to the ground, forming a carpet of flesh that led him straight to Fidel Castro's lair. Satisfied, Larry gave a nod and sheathed his sword. The Hellbane Guy whistled peacefully as he walked over their corpses and followed the path they laid out for him.
Deeper inside the citadel, the Communist Underlords were busy discussing their plans for the mass sacrifice of Americans that was set to occur during the centennial Summit of the Communist Lords. Fidel Castro raked his hammer and sickle down the conference table where they sat, trying to silence the fearful clamor of his guests over Larry the Cable Guy's sudden betrayal.
"Goddammit, Castro! You promised us that Stalingrad III was the most secure planetoid in our entire empire! Explain to me how the hell that intruder managed to get inside and decimate all of your guards with ease. That maniac is heading straight for us!" Leon Trotsky spat, his voice brimming with fear.
Prior to Adolf Hitler's siege of Wolfschanze, Trotsky was one of Karl Marx's most trusted generals and served by his side for countless decades. He was eventually resurrected by Adam Sandler's powers and played a key role in the war for control of Marx's leaderless empire. Trotsky was one of the strongest Underlords besides Fidel Castro himself, owing majorly to his immense knowledge of technology. He was able to achieve total dominance over his foes with his army of killer androids that obeyed his every command.
UNDERLORD LEON TROTSKY - Cyber Communist
"Oh, bother. Is bitching all you know how to do, you heffalump motherfucker? Don't worry about it. The second that intruder makes it here, I'll take care of him myself. I could use the entertainment!" Winnie the Pooh spoke with a hearty laugh.
Once, this fearless mercenary was but the simple excrement of an undesirable hellhound. A lesser helldaemon known as Christopher Robin used black magic to breathe unholy life into him, earning him the affectionate title of "Pooh Bear." In an act of defiance, Winnie the Pooh slew his master and fought alongside the Biker Brethren during the final days of the Communist Wars.
Like Leon Trotsky, Pooh had been revived after his death by the McDemons. He participated in the Marxists' war for supremacy out of boredom and was able to become an Underlord without the aid of his own army. Although Pooh had since become an incredibly important figure that held authority over thousands of Communist soldiers, he seemed to resent his status. He rarely attended the meetings of his fellow lords and never used his army to massacre Americans as his peers often did. Even after the fall of the Biker Brethren, Winnie the Pooh was still a noble patriot in spirit.
UNDERLORD WINNIE THE POOH - Hunny Knight
"What on earth are you「uninspired」motherfuckers talking about? I'm too「wired」to be dealing with you normies. All I care about is getting revenge on Sonic the Hedgehog for throwing me off of a cliff. My feet hurt. This music is too loud. Can I please leave now?" Leonid Brezhnev groused for the hundredth time since arriving at the meeting. Jimmy Neutron decides to start calling his toilet the "Flushlight" for no good reason.
Leonid Brezhnev was by far the weakest Underlord, but he made up for his inadequacies by being exceptionally cruel. His love of torturing innocent Americans was infamous, to the point where even his own race were sickened by the depraved methods he employed.
UNDERLORD LEONID BREZHNEV - Wired
Enver Hoxha slammed his fist on the table in a fit of rage. He shot Leonid a murderous glare, "Silence, you filthy serf! If anyone is going to kill Sonic the Hedgehog, it's going to be me. I'll never forgive that bastard for slicing off my legs and scarring my beautiful face! I was once the most beautiful socialist in all the land, you know. I will slay him and regain the beauty he took away from me!"
Likewise, Enver Hoxha was an incredibly vicious individual with a love for spilling the blood of innocents. Sonic had fought him during their youth, crippling him and scarring his face so badly that he had to conceal it behind a mask hewn from iron. Hoxha had a nasty habit of murdering any beautiful person he came across, despising them for daring to have good looks when his were stolen from him.
UNDERLORD ENVER HOXHA - The Mad Dog
"Chill out, me brudda. Dere's no need for gettin' stressed about tings we can't control. How about you take a toke of dis ganja to ease your nerves, mon?" Pol Pot spoke in his native Jamaican accent. He passed his bong to Leon Trotsky, but the Bolshevik general smacked it away in anger.
Just as his name implied, Pol Pot was a stoner. He rose to prominence during the Communist Wars with his massive drug trafficking operations, a business venture that earned him a great deal of wealth and political influence. Pol Pot was known for being particularly unscrupulous and would even peddle his black market wares to children.
UNDERLORD POL POT - Underworld Drug Pusher
The bickering Underlords turned dead silent when the iron doors leading into the room were blown off of their hinges. Standing in the ruined entranceway was none other than Larry the Hellbane Guy, the man who had once served Fidel Castro without question. However, now that he had obtained almost all of Washington's Gifts, he had completely dropped the pretense of being loyal to the Marxists and was now only interested in furthering his own goals.
Fidel Castro stepped down from his throne hewn from American skulls to face his mighty challenger. He gulped, barely able to hide abject terror, "Welcome to this distant plane, struggler. You've done well to make it this far. Even I didn't think that anyone would be able to destroy both my army and the Backstreet Boys, but it appears that you've managed to pull it off. Just who the hell do you think you are?"
UNDERLORD FIDEL CASTRO - The Dreaded One
"You seem to misunderstand, my lordship. You say that the Backstreet Boys were destroyed, but I am living proof that they are not only alive, but stronger than ever before. Forgive me for not introducing myself sooner. I doubt that you would recognize me in this new form, after all. It is I, your humble servant: Larry the Cable Guy!" The invader introduced himself.
Castro took a step back, floored by the realization. He gritted all 1,488 of his jagged teeth, "You… you did this? You decimated not only my army, but your own pupils as well? There's no hiding their fates from me; I've seen their butchered remains. I've always suspected that you were never truly loyal to my cause, but betraying your own 'children' is callous even for a socialist. Just what kind of sick, twisted monster are you? Who do you serve?"
Rosa Luxemberg snuck behind Larry while he was busy conversing with the Marxist lord. She lunged and brought her concealed katana down upon him, but the blade shattered the instant it collided with his swarthy skin. She stood frozen with fear as he turned to glare at her, too terrified to move even a muscle. Violent J grabbed Rosa and used Shunpo to run to safety before the blue collar comedian could skewer her.
Violent J cradled his love's trembling body close to his chest. He met her tremulous gaze and shook his head, "Sorry about ruining your fight, Cherry Pie. Not even my ninja powers and the Joker's Cards combined would be enough to stop that whack-ass motherfucker. That man… there's no way that any child of mortal men could beat him! He's become a physical god!"
UNDERLORD ROSA LUXEMBERG - Shapeshifting Temptress
UNDERLORD VIOLENT J - King of the Juggalos
"I do not serve you. I serve the ultimate god, the king of all kings: the Clown Prince of Basketball, Meadowlark Lemon! And my god has only one wish: for me to bring about the end of this sinful world!" Larry the Hellbane Guy boldly declared. Fidel Castro swung his axe towards his opponent's face, but Larry was able to swiftly catch the blade between his fingers and toss it behind him.
Fidel Castro shed his bulky fur coat and proceeded to exchange blows with Larry the Hellbane Guy. Their fists clashed at unimaginable speeds, infinitely faster than the speed of light, and created massive, solar system-destroying shockwaves every time they connected. Garfield takes up jelqing after being rejected by Arlene for the tenth time.
Castro let out a cry of pain as Larry out-maneuvered him and hewed off both of his arms with a effortless stroke of his katana. The Communist Underlord quivered with true, primal terror as he came face to face with his own mortality in the form of this avenger of American justice. He cracked a toothy grin, choosing to remain defiant right up until the bitter end, "Heh… so you're a Harlem Globetrotter, eh? I can't comprehend why someone as powerful as you would ever prostrate yourself to Meadowlark and his ilk. That man values nothing in this world. As soon as you accomplish his goals, you'll be the first one he kills. But who am I to judge? I'm curious about something… what did you have to give to achieve this power?"
Larry lowered his gaze and answered plainly, "Everything."
Fidel Castro threw back his head and guffawed at the regret he heard reflected in his foe's voice. He sneered, "You absolute FOOL! Is your lust for power the reason why you slaughtered everyone in your own squad? You may have gained unrivaled strength, but it's come at a terrible price. I wonder how long you'll be able to continue before going mad from what you've lost. Not even you can suppress your emotions forever, you know..."
Larry snapped upon hearing his charged words. In a rare moment of intense emotion, he let out an impassioned scream and crushed his foe's skull under his boot. He then slowly sauntered towards the deceased Underlord's throne, smearing the remains of his shattered cranium on the ground as he walked.
Larry the Hellbane Guy crossed his legs and let out a sigh of relief. He reclined in the Marxist tsarevich's throne, but reflected on his face was not a look of satisfaction or contentment. Rather, he appeared more miserable than he ever had. Despite having discarded his old body, the scars that his brother had given him ached more now than ever before. He raised one of his hands in the air and gave his first command as the new leader of the Communist Empire: "Kneel."
The Communists trembled before the heavenly might of Larry the Cable Guy. He wore Fidel Castro's prized Super Bowl ring on his middle finger, signifying that his right to rule was divine. Far too terrified to defy him and his godly power, they subserviently bent the knee before the new emperor of Communism.
"I've made it no secret that I detest you socialists just as much as I detest the capitalists. For this world to be born anew, every last one of you sinful lambs must be culled. But just as a kind shepherd would, I shall spare your lives. You still provide some use to me for the time being. The greatest war in the history of the Americaverse is about to begin! The Harlem Globetrotters have made sure of this. By the time tomorrow is over, I will have obtained all of Washington's Gifts and you all will have perished in the aftermath of the battle. I only have one request of you: fight well, and die well!" Abraham Lincoln's brother boomed from atop this throne.