Every Other Midnight

by Kathryn's NomDePlume

Professor Potter and Head Girl Lily Evans... The Dark Decline

38. In Which No one has a Panic Attack

Chapter 38: In Which No One Has a Panic Attack

Outraged and bewildered at James's seeming rash and unfair behaviour, Lily walked the length of her common room a few times, yowling angrily.

"What's gotten into him? Who is he to tell me what I can and can't do?!" she shouted at Ebony, who hooted indignantly on Lily's behalf in response. She hadn't really expected an answer from the bird, but it was nice to have someone on her side. The answer to the latter question was all too (annoyingly) simple. He was still her teacher and had every right, nay, obligation to keep her from breaking the rules. But how many times had he ignored or even encouraged her to break them? She couldn't think of a single thing she had done wrong this time, nothing which might explain the sudden lack of the nepotism he usually displayed to which she had become pleasantly accustomed.

Lily stopped her furious pacing and sat at the table, pulling parchment and quill towards her. She only got so far as 'Dear Remus,' before she crumpled it up and chucked it into the fireplace. Remus wouldn't be up for several hours and if James arrived at the Shrieking Shack before Remus came to she wouldn't put it past the sneaky little snoop to read it. He would immediately recognise Ebony and Lily's writing and the auror in him would take over. No, there would be no way to guarantee that only Remus would read it.

She dipped her quill back into the inkpot and started on a fresh piece of parchment.

My dearest and most wonderful darling Sirius,

To think I used to chide you for your frankness! I know now what a wonderful quality it is and I apologise profusely for having ever held it against you. Dear one, don't ever change.

Now you may be wondering what prompted this sudden appreciation for blunt honesty, but that's good because I have every intention of telling you.

As you are well aware last night was full moon and your dunderhead of a friend decided to take on Remus alone. (I'm not sure how he managed to convince him, because Remus is far too sensible for that sort of thing.) Anyway, so he shows up in my room at some inconceivable hour in the morning half dead. I tended to him with the utmost care and breathe not a word of complaint about the amount of blood he left on my sheets, as I say, it was unimportant.

Once he was safely asleep I went to Remus to do what I could for him. I thought that if he were even half as bad as James (she struck several lines through the name and changed it to) your dunderhead of a friend then he could use a bit of medical attention. I'm sorry to say that it turned out to be true. (You recall I know Remus from a long time ago at Hogwarts… it would have been lovely to see him again had the circumstances been pleasanter.)

Anyway, after I returned to James (again the name had been scribbled out and replaced it with) my room what is practically the first thing he does when he wakes up? He forbids me to go into Hogsmeade next Monday saying that it's not a Hogsmeade weekend. Like that had ever stopped us before! And it's not as if I'm going for a cosy chat with the dark lord in Madame Puddifoot's. It's Remus for pity's sake. Remus! The best and most trustworthy of all men so he can't be objecting to any danger.

For the life of me I don't know what I've done this time to make him so angry, and he didn't even bother to explain. He just stormed off in a temper, the prat. But in fairness, I wasn't exactly in the best of humours either.

Well I must go to class now (DADA because fate and I are at odds at present) so I will end this letter here.

Your ever faithful complaining companion,

L

She assumed Sirius would be in London, so she didn't expect to receive a reply any time soon. After sending Ebony off she collected her things for her lessons that morning and left.

'Great,' she thought as she checked her watch. 'Now I'm going to be late to his class and give him yet another reason to be angry with me.' She quickened her pace.

xxx

James was afraid that Lily would be so angry with him that she wouldn't turn up for his lesson, and the cowardly part of him hoped it would prove to be the case. He didn't want to face her after their… not fight, but disagreement. Not only that, but it would be embarrassing to do that day's lesson in front of her.

It was therefore with mixed emotions that he watched her enter the classroom and sit down next to Ferris. She didn't look at him, but he hadn't really expected a warm welcome. With a sigh of resignation he began the day's lecture on protection spells to be used on objects, rather than oneself.

"Now those of you who are also in Advanced Charms may find this a bit easier, but it is still challenging spellwork. I'm not sure of Flitwick's curriculum and whether or not you've already gone over this…" He automatically looked to Lily for confirmation. She didn't look up at him but she shook her head in response, as if she could tell he had directed the question at her. "Right then. That being the case for those of you who are in Advanced Charms, you will have a head start on this when the time comes, and for those of you who aren't, this will be your only opportunity to learn this so pay attention.

"Protective talismans are incredibly useful and it's a wonder why people don't wear amulets all the time these days. The most common objects to charm are jewellery pieces because they are consistently and easily worn. Any bobble would do, but fine jewels work best as their charms will last longer, even forever if the stone and the intentions are pure," he said hoping that non one would ask any questions.

He couldn't help it and hazarded a glance at Lily. Her hand was at her chest, touching the Dragon's Eye, but her expression was frustratingly inscrutable. Damn.

Not even waiting to be called on, a girl with her hand raised asked, "What do you mean if the stone and the intentions are pure?" Double damn. He had been hoping no one would ask that because this was where it got tricky and potentially embarrassing. He sighed, looking away from Lily. She wasn't going to like this…

"The purer the stone, the better the magic holds. I believe Professor Black discussed magical intent with you, yes? That is to say that with pure stones and pure intent, be it dark or light in its purity, it would be more powerful and in theory could last forever," he said praying to every deity he had ever heard of to make the girl end the line of questioning there and that is simplified explanation would be enough.

"Yes, but what does that mean? What makes intent pure?" Damn the girl and her persistence, James cursed.

"Purer intent means stronger magic. So either dark magic or the almost forgotten light. For example," he began, hating himself for having to do this. "To powerfully curse a piece of jewellery, the stones must be pure as must the hate. As mentioned before in this class, dark magic tends to feed off of negative emotions, particularly hate, a very raw and powerful magical resource… hence the ability to use the unforgivables. Hate is magically pure and potent. But one couldn't curse a simply string of beads to kill… that kind of magic of such pure dark intent would require in turn an equally pure object into which to lodge itself."

He took a tentative look at Lily as he spoke. Her head remained bowed and he couldn't meet her eyes, but it was obvious that she was shaking. Damned girl asking so many questions. Now Lily was upset and there wasn't a damned thing he could do about it. She finally looked up at him, her eyes watery and heartbreakingly green. 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!' he tried to convey with, but he didn't think she got the message.

"May I go to the loo?" she asked politely, not betraying the slightest hint of emotion in her voice.

"Certainly, Evans," he replied just as politely. She rose from her seat and left. Rupert was still scribbling away taking notes, not noticing a thing. James continued with his lecture as he strode casually over to Ferris's desk and put it wand tip to the boy's parchment. Words that Rupert hadn't written appeared there. Go after her, fool. Rupert looked started for a moment, confused and questioning, but when realisation dawned he followed Lily out the door saying he too needed to use the restroom.

James hoped Ferris would find her. It was just as well he couldn't go after her himself. She was angry with him and wouldn't appreciate him being there anyway. Ferris was the operative choice, which was good seeing as he was the only choice at present.

"Now of course you can curse a hat to make the wearer bald, but such things don't last. The object is too common and the intent too weak, neither dark nor light enough. Two students raised their hands at the same time. James pointed at one. "Yes?"

"I had an aunt who had a biting tea kettle for over 20 years…"

"That was impressive transfiguration and charm work, not a curse. Yes?" he prompted the other student with her hand raised.

"What is 'light enough'?"

"I'm glad you asked, because that's the whole point of today's lesson. Good intent is dark intent's counterpoint. Love," he said easily. Now that Lily and Ferris were out of the room it was safe to say, otherwise he would have unwillingly confessed to her in front of the entire class. "One can evilly curse a pure stoned necklace to always kill using the magical intent of hate, but one could also use it to eternally protect with the magical intent of love, or perhaps any other powerful positive emotion."

"Professor Black didn't mention love when discussing polarity of intent," one student remarked.

"No, I don't suppose he would have," James mumbled sadly to himself. "In any case we are going to be practicing those ancient charms today." He pointed his wand at the blackboard where the incantation and accompanying instructions appeared. "Now I don't imagine many of you walk around the castle wearing your finest glittery things so for today we will practice on simpler necklaces. I have a supply here if you don't have something suitable with you already that you would prefer to use. Raise your hand if you need one."

Many hands shot up in the air and he wove in between tables distributing the simple beads and twine. "Now this is no simple shield charm so it will take a fair amount of concentration. Keep in mind, love of self is not as strong as selfless love, but it will still work. Though with these neither will hold very long after the first few curses are fired against it. Today we are just working on mastering the technique so you may all use it in the future. We move onto something else Thursday so do your best today."

Lily and Rupert retuned then, faces set and uncommunicative.

"Right, start practicing. Once you think you've done it decently test it out. Raise your hands if you need help or have questions."

The class began practicing and James went over to the pair that had just walked in. "You two will partner each other today. Take these and use that incantation to make a protective talisman for each other," he said handing them both a simple necklace from the box. He reached across the desk and took Lily's wand from where he knew it rested in her robe's pocket. "You're doing it without," he said imperiously before walking away, placing the important piece of wood on his desk. Lily called after him.

"I can't do something this complicated, it's too hard!"

"You haven't even tried yet," he called back.

"I'll fail."

"You have to fail sometimes, Evans," he said shrugging and turning away from her.

xxx

Lily began practicing with a huff of annoyance. He just wanted to belittle her. She tried and tried but with no great success. In her mood and without a wand it was no wonder. Her mind was still on the necklace. She took it off and banished it to James's pocket. She couldn't concentrate on her own spellwork with that powerful reminder dangling from her neck.

When she had excused herself she hadn't been upset, she had been furious. She had to leave the classroom before she exploded and lost her temper in front of the entire class as James had done with his Prophet. She had been in a bad mood before, but hearing James go on so easily about cursed jewellery like that made her blood boil. Perhaps she wasn't entirely angry with James, rather she assumed that most of it had to do with herself. For the past week or two she had done nothing constructive, nothing important or relevant. She wanted to be fighting, doing something active against the dark lord but no, she had been too busy being stupid and romantic. What good did that do anyone? It wasn't helping the world, it didn't do James any good, and it certainly wasn't helping her any.

"Let's try it out, shall we?" Roo suggested starting to put on the necklace she had been working on.

"No!" she shouted, grabbing the band out of his hand and putting it on the table. "I'd rather test it while it sits safely on the desk first. I wouldn't want you to get hurt."

She aimed a simple hex at it and fought the urge to burst into tears as the band burst into pieces. Instead of crying she punched the wall next to her. Hissing through her teeth she withdrew it quickly in pain. The stones had bruised and scraped her knuckles, which were now bleeding and throbbing in pain. She didn't wipe them clean. She liked the blood and she liked the pain. It was a sort of vent for her frustration, showing that at least something came from her actions, even if it was only bloodied knuckles.

If Roo had actually been depending on her talisman to protect him she would have severely let him down. The thought of Rupert getting hurt because of her depressed her.

"Well if James wanted me to feel inadequate, stupid and deficient he succeeded."

"You did your best, and you were working without a wand. That's nothing to be ashamed of," Rupert tried to console her but to no avail. James had thought she could do it, but she couldn't and she knew why, which made it all the more infuriating.

'Damn him,' she cursed silently to herself even though she knew he wasn't to blame. It wasn't his fault she had let herself fall in love with him. Not only was it unrequited, but on top of that he was angry with her for reasons that still eluded her. A failure in life and in love… How depressing.

xxx

Sirius had actually been about to leave for the Shrieking Shack when Lily's owl arrived that afternoon.

"Well hello again, my dear," he said pleasantly to the bird he himself had handpicked for Lily. He stroked Ebony's soft plumage while he read her owner's note. After he finished it he took a step towards his desk to grab his quill, then remembered he hadn't any parchment on his desk, so he turned around and went out into the other room, taking Ebony with him. Once having both parchment and quill in order he sat down. With perfect penmanship he wrote five words.

Tonight. Same time. Same place.

To save the lovely owl yet another tiring cross-country flight he apparated with her to Hogsmeade. He shook her from his arm saying "Go, take this to your charming master," before walking into the Shrieking Shack.

When he went to the upstairs room he noticed that Remus was lovingly tucked into clean and fluffed bedding and that a neatly folded pile of clean clothes sat on the end of the bed. Not a scratch appeared on the parts of him that were showing (mainly his face) and his hair appeared to be combed. Sirius knew this silent work must all have been Lily's and his affection and estimation of the girl rose yet again. Remus looked more peaceful than he had ever seen him. Like a child (a child with grey hair, granted) smiling beatifically in his sleep.

Unable to wake his usually tormented friend from such a visibly peaceful slumber Sirius (carefully) seated himself in a wobbly chair across the room and pulled out Lily's letter to peruse it again.

"Padfoot?" Remus said several minutes later.

"Moony! How are you feeling?"

"Remarkably well as a matter of fact."

"It's the feminine touch, I'll warrant."

"There was a woman actually. Lily Evans. She was a first year when we were in seventh. She just appeared out of nowhere to help me."

"I know."

"Prongs already told you?"

"No. I'd be surprised if he mentioned this little episode at all. Lily owled me this morning," Sirius said rising from his seat to cross the room and hand the letter to Remus to read.

"How do you…"

"Read it first."

Remus took the letter shrugging. His brows drew together as he read the greeting. He looked at Sirius suspiciously.

"Just keep reading," the darker haired man commanded. Remus gave him another uncertain look before returning to the letter. His brows climbed higher with every line until they could rise no further.

"How long have they been…"

"They aren't," Sirius interrupted impatiently. "That's just the thing. But don't worry, I'm working to remedy that."

"Do they want your help?"

"No, they don't realise they need any. James is too dense and Lily too stubborn… either that or afraid. I'm not exactly sure which one it is yet. Probably both."

"I'm afraid you'll have to back up a bit and explain a few things. How did you get to be on such friendly terms with her? And how did Prongs for that matter?"

Sirius Black was a captivating storyteller and he gave this tale no less effort than any of his others whether they were true or not. He began his narration exactly a month ago when James forbade any more full moon excursions after Lily's attack. Then he went on the describe his own entrance into the story with the whole business of the necklace in the lake, Lily's helping James and the aurors by dating a death eater and that deadly Hogsmeade weekend as well as the encounter with Fluffy and Lily's promising reaction.

"And he has no idea you and Lily have been carrying on?" Remus asked uncertainly.

"Woah, you say 'carrying on' as if we've been… carrying on."

"Haven't you been?"

"Not even once."

"Well done, Padfoot."

"Yes, I was rather proud of myself too."

"Well, if it has been perfectly chaste why not tell him?"

"Because he won't believe my intentions are, probably for the first time in my life, entirely pure. I wouldn't even believe me. I´m surprised you do."

"Fair point."

"If he finds out before they get together the deal would be off, I just know it. I'm actually terrified I might not pull this off. If I don't there would be no way to prove I was working for him, not against him behind his back."

"Why must you do it behind his back anyway?"

"Because the fool doesn't know what he wants. I tried being open about it in the beginning but the prat keeps denying everything. I think going down that road would push him further and further away from the idea."

"Did you ever stop to consider that perhaps they shouldn't be together?"

"No, and I don't intend to start now."

"They are both resisting. And she is student. If it doesn't come off it could be a disaster for both of them."

"And if it does come off it could be the best thing that ever happened to either of them. Remus, trust me. You wouldn't be asking that if you heard they way they go on about each other," he said earnestly.

"Very well, what is your plan?"

"I have to get one of them to crack. I thought I'd try James at first, but now I think I'm going to go through Lily. She's more sensible about this sort of thing. At least she isn't in denial. She'll listen to reason, however reluctantly…" He didn't continue. In fact, both men fell silent and stared at the door awaiting the man whose footsteps heralded his approach.

xxx

"Alright there Moony?"

"Never better thanks to Lily Evans," Remus said. Sirius started coughing maddeningly and James shot him his best 'Silence in my classroom' look.

"That's quite enough of that, Padfoot. I'm not in the mood."

"Not in the mood for what?" Remus enquired.

"For lewd and tasteless japery."

"I made no jape, tasteless or otherwise," Sirius defended himself.

"Anyway, Prongs next time you see her tell her I say thanks for me. Really she was an angel. Actually, I could just owl her myself…"

"I'll tell her," James said quickly. 'Perhaps,' he added silently in his mind.

"Or I could just tell her next week. We are meeting in the Hogsmeade, did she tell you?"

"She mentioned it, yeah."

"She's changed so much since I last knew her… it will be nice to see her again."

James shoved his hands into his pockets angrily, trying to stop himself from yelling at his friend for something that wasn't at all his fault. He was surprised when he felt something hard and cool there. Grabbing hold of it he withdrew it from his robes and stared at the disheartening object. The necklace that had been cursed to kill her. The necklace he had charmed to protect her… He didn't blame her for not wanting to see it after that morning's lesson. He hoped it was the memory of the curse she had been scorning, and not his protection, although he wouldn't be surprised if it were so.

"What's with the face, Prongs?" Sirius asked.

"What? Nothing," he replied, quickly putting it back in his pocket. "Let's change the topic, eh? I have about an hour before I have to be back up at the castle, I don't want to spend the entire time talking about my students."

"Come off it, Prongs. She's not a student," Sirius quipped.

"I fail to see how she isn't."

Sirius slapped his thighs and rose to his feet. "I know it's not use to argue so I'm going to leave. You know that woman I was telling you about earlier, Moony?"

"Of course."

"I'm seeing her tonight. I'll leave this one to you," he said bending his head indicatively towards James. "Pity I'm going to miss Wormtail, he'll be here soon I expect. Anyway, glad to see you are well, Moony. You staying at my place tonight, yes? Prongs, always a pleasure," he bowed slightly to the messy haired man before disapparating with a pop, leaving James and Remus by themselves.

"You know Padfoot has it in his head that you have feelings for her…"

"Yes, I know. He's been dogging me all month about it."

"And do you?..." Remus asked tentatively.

"No."

"Would you tell me if you did?"

There was a moment's pause before James answered in a quieter tone. "No."

Remus simply nodded and thankfully change the subject entirely, acting as if the previous conversation hadn't even taken place.

xxx

Lily was relieved to get Sirius's reply at lunch. She felt her heart lighten as Ebony swooped down to the table.

"Who's it from?" Rupert asked casually as he brought a spoonful of soup to his lips, blowing on it to cool.

"Sirius," Lily replied with a smile, folding the parchment back up and sticking it into her bag. Sirius would make her feel better. 'He always does', she thought as she inspected the shameful state of her knuckles.

After Charms that afternoon she went to the library to complete all of her homework. For some reason he didn't feel like lingering in her own room. She didn't want to light a fire and it would be too cold without it, not that the library itself wasn't freezing. From her place next to the window she could see her own breath each time she exhaled.

She went down to Hagrid's later to have a chat and see if Mercury was there, but he wasn't. Lily tried to keep her morbid imagination at bay and did her best not to assume the worst. Still she stayed at Hagrid's practicing her protection charms, turning nearly every object in Hagrid's hut into a talisman until she had the technique perfected (both with and without a wand).

Around half past 11, Hagrid walked her back to the castle where she dropped off her school bag and changed into her pyjamas. Deciding that she would rather spend the rest of the wait in the Astronomy Tower, she left her room and began climbing the staircases. She would need to mount every single one in order to reach it. She had wondered just how many steps that was and decided to count. She was debating with herself whether or not to count the trick step she hopped over when she ran into a familiar form. He hadn't even tried to get out of her way.

Shocked to see James, she could only think to tell him the truth when he asked where she was going.

"Astronomy tower," she said immediately. Then after an awkward pause asked, "You?"

"Kitchens."

They stood there awkwardly for a moment before nodding and continuing on their separate ways. Both had secretly been hoping that the other had been on their way to see them. Both had been disappointed.

It was nearing midnight when she reached the astronomy tower. It was a clear night, the moonlight shone radiantly on Sirius's blue/black hair.

He was on his back, his hands leisurely behind his head with on leg stretched out straight, the other bent so that the knee pointed to the sky at which he stared. He didn't bother looking to her, nor did he greet her. Once again, Lily felt like she had intruded on some private moment.

She lay down next to him, placing her head on his stomach. She wouldn't speak until spoken to. She'd let him have his silence for as long as he wanted. She was content just being there with an understanding soul. She didn't need to actually say anything.

A hand removed itself from behind his head and found its way into her hair, fingers gently combing. She loved having her hair played with. It was such a sweet and simple gesture Lily imagined Sirius rarely enjoyed. It would be considered a variety of intimacy Sirius carefully avoided with women. He wouldn't take any kind of pleasure in a woman that wasn't sexually gratifying.

She tried not to let the head massage lull her to sleep but despite her best efforts she dozed off anyway. When she awoke she knew not how much later, she was on her side, and the arm that met the cold stones beneath her had fallen asleep painfully. She opened her eyes and readjusted herself and began rubbing the blood back into her arm. Sirius took over the job as he asked, "Do you see Cygnus, Cariad"

"The swan?" she asked pointing to the constellation.

"Yes, and do you see Cassiopea?"

"I do."

"How about Orion?"

"Yes."

"And the northern star?"

"Yours, you mean?"

"Yes, mine."

"Of course, it's the brightest in the sky."

"They are grouped together in everyone's mind, and looking at them from this distance they look as if thy run beautifully into each other, but in reality they are impossibly far from one another. We can´t even fathom the interminable cold space between them."

"Sirius?" she asked worriedly.

"My mother's dead," he said simply.

This sudden incongruous remark shocked Lily for a split second, but she regained herself and reached out to find his hand. She squeezed it with her own. "That interminable cold space between you made you the man you are today, and that man is so much better than the man she wanted you to be."

"I know. Her death is no loss to me. I'm not mourning for her. One cannot grieve the loss of a mother one never had."

In a few ways, he reminded her of Severus, but she didn't imagine either one would appreciate the comparison. Both had been deprived of love in their childhood, both were unwilling to admit that they still wanted it.

Sirius had never known love from his shrew of a mother. Now he dealt with his… not inability, but reluctance to love in womanising, whereas Severus had joined up with other loveless beings to cope.

Her heart bled for both but she knew she could only try to help Sirius. She had failed miserably to redeem the other man.

She had the strange urge to offer Sirius to be his mother. Not for the first time in her life she felt like Wendy Darling, collecting and mothering Lost Boys… except this wasn't Neverland and they weren't boys, but 3 older black haired men.

"You know something? I think you'd make an excellent father." Lily didn't know yet if the scars on his heart would ever heal enough to lovingly make a child with someone, but if a child ever came under his care he would make a superb parent. A child would be someone he needn't be afraid or ashamed of loving, so he could do it wholeheartedly. With such a sharp mind and keen sense of the world, plus the amazing magical talent with which he could protect and nurture the child, combined with his generous heart… Yes, Sirius would make an excellent parent.

"Why is that?"

She enumerated the reasons she had previously been thinking and added, "You take such earnest care in the protection and happiness of those you love. I'm not saying this to flatter or frighten you. I was just saying what was on my mind."

The door to the tower opened. This time it wasn't Rupert but a couple of 5th years. They gawked openly for several moments before Sirius told them to shove off, the tower was occupied.

"There will be talk tomorrow," Lily said with a sigh.

"Don't worry about it, Cariad."

"But I told James I would be in the astronomy tower…"

"I didn't know you were back on speaking terms."

"We aren't. I ran into him on the stairs coming here. He was on his way to the kitchens."

"How awkward."

"Awkward indeed."

"I visited Moony this afternoon. Prongs was there, but didn't say anything about a row."

"I don't imagine he would."

"He was in a bad mood, but I don't think it was because of anything you did." The lift in his tone of voice aroused her suspicions. She sat up to look at him severely.

"Sirius…" she said warningly. He knew something, she could tell. He shook his head at her, sealing his lips with a smirk. "Sirius, tell me."

Sirius chuckled and brought her head back down to his stomach, the seal remaining unbroken. She allowed him to do this only because she knew the futility in arguing or begging with a sphinx.

"So you don't think it was something I did or said?" she asked. He nodded. "So I'm not in the wrong?" He shook his head. "Good. That means it's his fault and now I needn't feel guilty. I'll just ignore him for as long as he continues to be such a wankstain."

The seal was broken by a bust of irrepressible laughter. Lily had to sit up again because Sirius's body was jerking with spasms. "A… a… wankstain?" he gasped, wiping away a few stray tears.

"Yes. Not even a wanker but the stain the wanker leaves behind after wanking."

"No, no, I got it, Cariad. It's just… just so…"

"What?"

"Brilliant," he said, eyes crinkled in mirth and teeth shone white. He regained controll of his breathing and said, "Oh Lily dear you are wonderful."

"At least you know it."

Sirius grinned at the implication. "Prongs knows it too, Cariad. Why else do you think he would get so uppity about other people wanting to play with his favourite toy?"

"Toy?"

"Pet, rather. It's like you are this cute cuddly little kitten that hisses, spits, claws and everything. He doesn't want to share it with anyone else because kittens are known to stray if someone gives them more affection than their owner." Oops, he gave the game away after all.

"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard," she said sternly.

Was she just saying that out of defence or did she really not believe Prongs cared for her? It was obvious he did after all the things he had done for her… Perhaps they were both too close to see. If only they could step out and watch themselves they too would notice.

Sirius knew that if either one admitted to it, then the other would jump right in. The trouble was getting either of them to cave. He knew that ultimately it was up to them. All Sirius could do is give them an encouraging shove or two in the right direction. Perhaps to get Lily to overcome her fear of losing love and get James over his ridiculous obsession with always doing what he thinks is the right thing…

xxx

"So…" Lily began trying to steer the topic of conversation away from herself and anything too personal for Sirius. "How did your evening with Cordelia go?"

"Cordelia?" he asked himself. "Cordelia. Cordelia. Oh, The leggy brunette."

"That's the one."

Sirius would have shrugged if he hadn't been on his back. Instead he flung a hand in the air in a careless manner and said, "Meh."

"That great, eh?"

"Oh she was fine, but I've moved onto greater things. A co-worker."

"Fellow model?"

"She's incredible."

"What's she like?"

"Oh Lily I could write a sonnet about her. Lethal body. I can't wait to wipe that look of continual boredom off her face and replace it with…"

"But what is she like? Her personality…"

"Dumber than your average garden gnome but what does it matter? I'm not going to be fucking her personality."

"Best of luck to you," she said dryly.

"Do I detect a hint of sarcasm, Cariad?"

"Yes, my dear. A man of your accomplishment doesn't need luck."

Sirius rumpled her hair affectionately. "So how are classes?"

"Ooh, an obvious and uncreative attempt to change the subject."

"I could have made a remark about the weather."

"Freezing. The astronomy tower probably isn't the best place for a rendezvous on a December evening."

"Shall we retire to a more comfortable ambience?"

"I suppose."

"My place or yours?"

"You know that sounds like…"

"I don't care what it sounds like just answer the bloody question."

Lily shifted awkwardly. "James knows my password."

"You could change it."

She looked down embarrassedly. She didn't want to change it. She liked James being able to come and go when he pleased. James was the only one who knew her password, and if he came by and found it had changed he would assume she did it purposefully to keep him out and she didn't want to give him that impression.

Sirius smirked knowingly. "I see. So mine it is then," he said raising an arm. A broom flew smoothly and immediately into his awaiting hand.

"Wait, let me get the cloak. It will make getting back into the castle easier."

"You have it?"

"He left it in my common room last night. Wait a tick, I'll go and get it."

They rose over the castle, and were gliding easily over the grounds towards Hogsmeade when Lily saw a flash of red light from somewhere between the trees. By the way the broom sped up she suspected Sirius had seen it too.

"Sirius wait! Stop! Something's happening down there," she cried frantically. Could it be death eaters trying to make away with more magical creatures or could Hagrid himself be in danger?

"No."

"But Sirius…"

"No, Lily. Precipitate action can be fatal. We don't know who or what is down there or how many of them there are. We might be killed before our feet touch ground."

"But what if it's Hagrid?" she pleaded. "We have the cloak, please!"

"Lily, if anything happened to you…"

"I don't care!"

"But other people do, including me. I'm not going to be the one responsible for letting you get hurt or worse. Prongs will never forgive me."

"Sirius I'm begging you, just a look. Just a glance to tell me it's not Hagrid then we can go, I promise. Please, Sirius, I'm desperate."

Sirius growled. "This is by far the stupidest thing I've ever done," he said as he turned the broom around and began their descent. Under normal circumstances he would have gone back immediately to check it out, but he had other things to take into consideration now. But against his better judgement he had caved to his own curiosity. 'If anything happens, I'm a dead man,' he thought (quite correctly.)

With the cloak securely around them they gently lowered themselves through the treetops. Both Lily and Sirius scanned the ground for anything that may have caused the red sparks. They spotted it almost at the exact same time for they reached for their wands in a synchronised motion.

Silently they landed and approached the hooded figures. Lily stopped short, paralysed by the sight of a beautiful silver coat and a horse-like body lying lifeless on the ground before them. She swayed as he knees threatened to give way. Sirius grabbed her and forced her head into his shoulder, stifling her cry of either anguish or rage.

He watched intently. There were only two figures that he could see. They would be easily defeated if taken unawares. He nudged Lily, alerting her to his plan when the hoods of the figures fell away. It was two women. Two beautiful women about Lily's age. Momentarily entranced by the bizarre scene of two beauties hovering over the corpse of a unicorn he loosened his grip on Lily. He felt her tense up and wheel around, bringing him back to his senses. She didn't attack them straight away either. She looked as dumbstruck as he had been. After a moment's deliberation she hesitantly raised her wand and stunned them both.

They approached carefully, Sirius keeping a firm arm around Lily's shoulders.

"Oh thank Merlin it isn't Mercury!" she cried, clinging thankfully to Sirius, giving him a quick and jubilant embrace. He patted her head feelingly.

"Who are they?"

"Students, very clever ones at that. The dark haired one's name is Isaacs, the lighter one is Abbot. The 'beauties' of Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff that were meant to be killed with me in Hogsmeade. They must be under the imperius curse. There is no way they would willingly do something like this."

"We have to let Dumbledore."

"Let's let Hagrid know first," she said sending a doe bounding forth to fetch him. It was half an hour before the half giant himself appeared. He took in the scene with a quick glace and came to the same conclusion they had. He withdrew the violently pink umbrella and pointed it towards the unicorn, putting a shield around it. The blood which pooled around it wouldn't do the poor beast any good anymore, but it might still do other creatures harm.

"Dumbledore, then?" she asked. Both men nodded and she sent another silvery patronus up to the castle.

The headmaster appeared almost immediately, somehow having apparated within the Hogwarts grounds. Lily briefly sighed, thinking she would never be as good as Dumbledore, but she pushed that thought aside; there were more important issues at hand.

"We were in the air when we saw something happen," Lily began. Dumbledore's glance found the broomstick. The man who held it looked slightly shamefaced.

"We had the cloak, so we thought we'd hazard a look in case anyone was in trouble," he said.

"First thing's first," said Dumbledore firmly. ""We must take Misses Isaacs and Abbot back to the castle. Hagrid, you know what to do." Hagrid nodded gravely.

Once all but the half giant were back in Dumbledore's office the headmaster spoke, voice calm and stern.

"I will have you tell me the entire truth, if you please." Lily wasn't sure whether he was angry or not. She knew he would have every right to be, but she was sure that no matter how terrible the punishment was, the Headmaster needed to know.

Sirius was the one to explain. As requested he left out nothing, starting the story with the astronomy tower. He surprised Lily with his explanation for the meeting. He had found out his mother was dead and wanted to see her. She didn't know if this was true or if he had been covering for the whole full moon mess, which would incriminate all of them. He tweaked the truth only slightly, saying that they had decided to go for a fly, rather than that they were intending to go to Sirius's. Lily didn't see how that changed anything important and she was grateful for this slight inconsistency. Other than that, the recount had been true and complete.

"The Imperius Curse, Professor. It has to be. They would never…" Dumbledore raised two fingers and Lily obediently fell silent.

"I agree, Miss Evans."

"But it was a rather ill thought out scheme, whoever did it. They couldn't guarantee that the girls would live long enough to bring back the blood," said Sirius thoughtfully.

"Perhaps that was what was intended from the start. Perhaps there weren't meant to survive. Slaying a unicorn is an outrage, almost a blasphemy in the world of magical creatures. If whoever put them under the Imperius Curse wanted them to be killed with no blame attached to themselves whatsoever, this was the way to do it. Getting a hoard of incensed creatures to do the job for them."

"But if they were under the imperius curse to begin with, why bother sending them to the forest to be killed? Why not have them drink poison or throw themselves from one of the turrets?" Sirius countered.

Dumbledore cleared his throat and both Lily and Sirius turned back to him. "Perhaps we ought to ask them," he said pointing his wand at the two stunned girls.

They roused sleepily, taking in the sight of Lily and Sirius inside the Headmaster's office with a mixture of confusion and alarm. Dumbledore wasted no time calming them, explaining what happened and how they came to be there.

Abbot sniffed sadly, trying not to cry at having murdered an innocent unicorn. Once finally understanding and relatively accepting of the situation they explained everything they knew.

To the united dismay of Sirius, Lily, and the Headmaster, the two girls remembered nothing about when, why, how, or who had cursed them.

Dumbledore summoned their heads of houses to explain the situation and escort their students back to their dormitories. After they left Lily waited in nervous expectation for her punishment. She could handle anything but being taken out of the order.

"You needn't worry. I'm not going to punish you."

"You aren't?"

"I'm afraid it would be unfair of me to give you the burdens and responsibilities of an adult while denying you the liberties of one by keeping you under the constraints of a child. I only ask that you don't abuse or flaunt it."

"Thank you, Professor."

Lily and Sirius left the office in silence and didn't speak until they were in front of the great front doors.

"So what will it be, Cariad?" he asked. Lily looked towards the starcaise that led to her own room, then at the oak doors in front of her that led to the rest of the world. Dumbledore had given her freedom so long as she was discreet and prudent, so she decided to take advantage of her knew liberties. It was strange to think that she wasn't breaking any rules by leaving campus in the middle of the night.

They apparated from Hogsmeade to Sirius's place. It wasn't as 'little' as he had led her to believe. Perhaps compared to his childhood home it was small, but it was larger than any place Lily had ever lived.

"Home sweet home," said Sirius quietly.

"Why are we whispering?" she asked, imitating his own volume.

"Because Remus may be sleeping."

The realisation that the name set off jolted her almost so far as to cause her to trip over her feet. With her new official freedom, James hadn't the authority to keep her away from Hogsmeade to see Remus on Monday… or any day for that matter.

She wasn't sure that she wanted him to know either. It was strange, but Lily liked the idea of him having a bit of power over her. If she told him he no longer had it he would stop trying to exert it, which would be a pity because sometimes he did it in the most interesting and delightful ways. Perhaps if the situation grew dire enough she'd tell him. Not before.

The sound of Sirius chuckling brought her out of her thoughts and back into the living room. "There are several empty rooms and yet he always sleeps on the couch," he said shaking his head amusedly. "Tea of coffee?"

"No, thank you," she said stepping towards the sleeping man. She couched next to him and studied the lines of his face with pain. 'Poor man,' she though as she smoothed away the hair from his face. "Do you have a spare," she was cut off by the blanket she had been about to ask for flying into her face. "Thank you," she said, spreading it over Remus.

"Your face is so easy to read," Sirius remarked. "Nice people are so predictable."

Lily shrugged and took the wine glass Sirius offered. She had declined the tea and coffee on the grounds that both beverages would keep her awake. Wine, on the other hand, would blur her mind and make her drowsy. She took a sip and looked around for a place to sit.

"Not here," Sirius said. "Don't want to wake him. This way."

She followed him though the hall up the stairs and into a large bedroom that seemed to have an attached sitting room. She removed her cloak and threw it along with James's over the back of one the armchairs.

"Dressed for the occasion I see," he noted, eyeing her pyjamas.

"Just lucky, I suppose."

"Speaking of luck, I see that Lucky Lily Evans strikes again.

"How did you mean?"

"We just happened to be flying over the forest just in time to save your classmates from almost certain danger and uncover yet another dark plot."

"Not in time to save that unicorn though…" she said sadly. Sirius sipped his wine as he took another step towards her. "Oh Sirius for a moment I thought it was Mercury and I…"

"What?" he asked, taking yet another step.

"I didn't know whether to collapse in grief or attack in rage."

"You did neither as I recall."

"I knew I couldn't let my personal feelings get in the way of doing what needed to be done…" Sirius thought briefly of James and how that statement probably applied to him as well. "I haven't felt that kind of terror grip me since my parents…" she choked on the word, unable to finish the thought.

"There, there," he said closing the rest of the distance and putting a hand atop her head. "Mercury is fine," he said. It was the only comforting thing he could say, for her parents certainly weren't. "You've had a wrecking day. Go to sleep."

xxx

It was almost 24 hours exactly since James had shown up in her bedroom, faint and bleeding.

Sirius turned down the bedding and said, "This will be a first, Evans."

"No it won't..." she said, thinking he was making some kind of sexual insinuation. Sirius raised his eyebrows amusedly.

"You are jumping to delicious conclusions, my dear. I only meant that this will be the first time a woman will sleep in Sirius Black's bed and won't have an orgasm," he said arrogantly as they both slid under the covers. "And...erm... if you feel something poke you in the back just... ignore it..."

The lights went out and they spoke no more. Lily's mind was once again in need of an overhaul. So many things were spinning around in her head that it was impossible for her to sleep. She wished she had her potions with her, but then decided it was better she didn't. James didn't want her to use potions. She thought of the wine, but that would be even worse.

It had been an hour and she was still awake. She turned over to face Sirius. With those starling silver eyes hidden behind their lids he seemed… innocent? No, not innocent but one couldn't see the cunning in them, or the coldness. It made him appear, more loving and approachable.

She couldn't stop her hand from running through his hair. It wasn't at all a fun messy mop like James's, nor the lank locks of Remus. It was perfectly smooth and compliant; like water she let it slide through her fingers. As she stroked his scalp as she would a cat she ached for her sister, Petunia. She used to run her fingers through Lily's hair just so.

She still enjoyed it; she always did. It was like a guilty pleasure of hers and she could never pass up a chance to play with hair. 'My Lost Boy," she thought. 'My poor Lost Boy.'

x

Sirius wasn't asleep, but he wasn't about to tell her that because then she'd stop. No one had ever done that before and he wanted it to continue for as long as it possibly could.

xxx

James went to breakfast in the Great hall the next morning, hoping Lily would be there. She did appear, but she didn't even look up at the head table. She sat down and chatted easily with Ferris as she picked at her bacon and toast. He was surprised to see Isaacs and Abbot approach her. They exchanged a few words and Lily rose to her feet to go with them. She said something to Rupert as she touseled his hair. He nodded and said something back before the three girls left the Great Hall together. James thought that he might as well go back to his office now, but a moment later Lily reappeared.

She didn't return to Gryffindor table but walked purposefully in his direction. His hopes lifted, but they fell again when she walked straight to Dumbledore, pointedly ignoring him.

"Professor may I have a word in private? It's about last night." James's eyebrows rose and he stared openly at the Head Girl and Headmaster. Dumbledore rose from his seat and the pair of them withdrew into the side chamber behind the head table.

What had happened last night? What had he missed? If he hadn't been such a fool yesterday he would be a player in the action, not the gawking fool that he was this morning.

x

"Isaacs found this in her pocket after she left your office last night." Lily said producting a piece of parchemnt from her robes and handing it to Dumbledore. He peered over his half moon spectacles at it. "She doesn't remember being in the library at all, much less the restricted section."

The paper she had given him had been a page torn from a book. The contents on the page left no doubt that the volume from which it had been taken came from the restricted section. It might not have been the doing of Death Eaters, but it was decidedly dark.

Lily had to wonder though. If it was a potion they wanted brewed, but didn't mind if the brewer died in the attempt, why hadn't they chosen her? She was the potion brewer, not the other two and the whole world knew it. She was the obvious choice.

They didn't want to attempt Lily again, they didn't dare go after a girl so protectively guarded by the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher and who was so carefully watched by the Headmaster himself. These thoughts hadn't occurred to Lily, but they most certainly had to the one who had cast the Imperius Curse…

xxx

During that entire week of classes she had been cold to him. She carried on just as helpfully as she had always been, but she never laughed, never smiled, didn't make any jokes and didn't make any conversation that wasn't related to school. She never stopped by to hang out in his office in between classes or during breaks. He also noticed that she was never outside with Mercury in her doe form in evenings. From his office window he could see Hagrid's hut, and he had been looking for her every night that week, but she never showed. What she was acting like, he realized, was a normal student. Her reasoning, he knew, was that if he was going to treat her like a normal student (and not let her go to Hogsmeade) then she was going to act like a normal student.

As he sat in his office staring at LILY'S CHAIR he really appreciated just how much Lily Evans was not a normal student. Not to him.

James found himself outside the Head Girl's rooms Monday afternoon. He was debating on whether to knock, or just go right in. The longer he spent in the hall the more nervous he became. He felt slightly vulnerable without his cloak. He didn't want anyone to walk by and wonder why he was loitering outside her room. When he heard footsteps approach he quickly whispered vigilance and entered.

Lily was reclining on the couch in front of the fireplace, reading from a text book and taking notes.

"Good afternoon, Professor," she said without even looking up from her book. James assumed (with slight pleasure) that he was the only other one to know the password and even though he hadn't been in for a week, he was still the only person she expected in her room apart from herself.

"Come on," he said more commandingly than he had meant.

"Where are we going?" she asked indifferently.

He sighed. "To Hogsmeade..."

She graced him with a smile for the first time that week. "Wait a tick, I'll be right back. She reappeared a minute later, smelling of perfume and carrying his invisibility cloak.

"We should both get under until we get outside," he said, taking the cloak from her and covering them both with it. It was a Monday afternoon, which meant high traffic and had to walk very slowly and quite close together to make sure that the cloak covered both of their feet. At such close proximity, Lily's heart was, to her annoyance, pounding heavily again. Why was it that she could contain herself in classes but not times like this?

3 girls were walking towards them, talking loudly.

"I saw Professor Potter flying yesterday. He is a god on a broom,"one of them said.

"And in bed too, rumour has it."

Both Lily and James instinctively moved to get out of their way, except Lily went right, and James went left. With agility born of Quidditch and Auror training, James quickly grabbed Lily and pulled her to him before they parted company with the cloak and were exposed. He pushed her against the wall, and covered her mouth with his hand. She felt him take a deep breath in as he tried to make himself as thin as possible, narrowly avoiding contact with one of the girls.

"That slag White pretends to have trouble on purpose just so she can spend more time with him in remedial lessons after class. But last week he said he'd arrange another tutor for her, because he isn't giving lessons to anyone outside of class anymore," she said as they walked by.

Lily she was all too aware that his body was pressed up against hers, pinning her to the wall. Once again she felt powerless and dizzy. She realised that the dizziness might have been from hitting her head on the stone wall when he had shoved her against it. There was a throbbing pain there now.

"Ow," she tried to say, but it was muffled by his hand, which was still covering her mouth. He removed it when the group of girls disappeared around the corner.

"What?" he whispered.

"I hit my head..." she whispered back.

"Sorry..."

He stepped away from her and the continued towards the Hogwarts grounds. Once a safe distance into the forest he removed the cloak.

"I thought we could continue on all fours from here," he said with a devilish smile. It was if they had never faught. Lily gave him a mischievous grin back before turning into a doe. James circled around inspecting her almost as a predetor might. "Not bad, Evans, not bad at all. Think you could carry me there?" he said jumping on her back.

No, he was definitely too heavy. She was a deer, not a horse. She trod the ground angrily with a front hoof. "Alright all right," he said getting off and changing into the stag. Lily morphed back into a human and walked around him in a wide circle.

She ran her finger along an antler. "Think I'd be too heavy for a big strong stag?" she asked teasingly. He bent his head down in a bow inviting her to get on. She did so. Not only was he a stronger animal than she was, but she was also much lighter as a human. He cantered along easily with her on his back, but Lily had to admit that it wasn't the most comfortable way to travel. In one swift movement, she dismounted and changed into her other form, so that her hooves landed as she hit the ground running, keeping pace.

"Impressive, Evans," he seemed to say.

As they cantered along, Lily thought back to the incident in the corridor. The girls had been gossiping about James; her James. The James who who had saved her life on more than one occasion, who had cried over her, who had spent last Sunday night in her bed. The same man that was running next to her in the form of a stag, the same man she was in love with. Not for the first time she considered that she was not the only one to notice his appeal and felt a stab of jealousy. They had referred to him as a sex god, as if they would know. What a stupid and typically childish thing to say. It bothered her that people talked about him that way. He was more than just some beautiful man who hides beneath an invisibility cloak and throws you against a wall…

Wait, no… that was not a productive line of thinking.

x

James had forgotten his bad mood and his reluctance to take Lily to Hogsmeade. In fact, he was having an excellent time. It was like he was in school again, but now he didn't have to worry about keeping a werewolf under control; he could just enjoy himself. He thought how nice it would be if they could do this more often.

His mood fell again when they approached the village and he remembered why they were going there. He led her to the closest point to the Hogshead that was still in the cover of the trees. There they changed back and he got under the cloak, following close behind her as she entered the Hogshead. He spotted Remus sitting in a booth, but the moment Lily entered he got up and went over to her, giving her a large hug. James didn't often feel the urge to punch Remus, by far the nicest and most easy going of the group, but he did just then.

"Lily. It's great to see you again. You look fantastic. I barely recognized you last week."

"I've grown up," she said.

"You most certainly have. You must be giving the lads at school a hard time. You're in your seventh year?"

"That's right. Head Girl," she said as they both sat down. James didn't even realise that he had followed them to their table. "I can't stay but for an hour or so, someone is picking me back up at 6."

"Oh, perhaps your friend would like to join us then?"

"No, I mean he wouldn't think it appropriate. He does like to eavesdrop sometimes, but I'm sure he wouldn't want to be a nuisance and intrude."

Fine, James could take a hint, piss off and come back at six. Right. He wasn't wanted. Fine.

"Um..." Remus said uncertainly.

"Sorry. He's gone now," Lily said. She could by the lack of familiar warmth. "He was under that cloak of his."

"Oh..." Remus chuckled. "I didn't know James was here. How can you be sure he's gone?"

"He is. I can just tell. He has a very..." she couldn't say warm, because that sounded weird, "obvious, loud sort of presence. It just seems quieter when he's not around. When he comes back I'll say something about Ancient Runes so you will know he's here."

Remus laughed pleasantly again. "Sounds like a plan. I was right though, wasn't I?"

"Yes you were."

"When I got your letter saying that James wouldn't let you go, I thought that it didn't sound like him at all."

"He only told me today. He just showed up in my room an hour ago saying 'come on, we're going to Hogsmeade.'" Remus chuckled again at his friend's predictable behaviour.

"Sirius is coming by in a bit. He says you forgot something at his place the other night."

Lily couldn't think of anything she had forgotten but she didn't really care. She wouldn't mind seeing Sirius, in fact, she looked forward to it.

They talked about everything that had happened to each other in the past six years. Remus watched her laugh as she heard funny stories about James, or how her eyes would fill with concern when he spoke about him being injured. Sirius had told him that Prongs cared for the girl, but he didn't know that she felt so strongly back. "Hello Moony!" Came Sirius's booming cheerful voice. "And of course greetings to you, Cariad."

"Hallo, Sirius," she returned. "We were just talking about the order."

"Ah yes. We are all members of the club now aren't we?"

"Even though I'm not sure what good I'll be," said Remus.

"One with a good mind, able body, and loyal heart is always a desirable team mate," Lily said with certainty. "What good is any one person on their own? It's our willingness to fight together that gives us worth."

"You know who she sounds like, don't you Padfoot?" said Remus sounding amused.

"I was just thinking that Moony. Cute, isn't it?"

"Why do I feel like I'm being teased?" she said sourly.

"Because you are a very perceptive girl," Sirius answered.

"And you are a cheeky bastard. You know it was a rhetorical question. Stop teasing me."

"But teasing your friends is one of the principle pleasures in life. For me anyway…"

"I'm afraid that's all too true," said Remus, who by this time had 13 years full of memorable proofs from which to draw upon.

"Oh yes, Sirius. What did I forget at your place?"

He gave her a gentle whack to the back of the head. "You forgot to say goodbye, you harlot. What kind of whore leaves while the other person is sleeping? Honestly, who does that?"

"You," both Lily and Remus replied. They looked at each other and grinned as Sirus tried his best to look victimised.

"Unfair. Lily I would never have let you meet him if I thought you would let him turn you against me..."

"I'd never turn against you, Sirius. But I will tear the mickey out of you at every possible opporunity. Because making fun of your friends is one of the principle pleasures in life," she said mockingly.

"Very well, if that's how you want to play it, Cariad, you leave me no choice," he said fixing her with a worrying mischevous grin. "So I take it that since you're here you and Prongs have kissed and made up?" Lily knew she was out of her league here so she simply changed to topic.

"Speaking of silly questions..." she said, not answering him, "In 6th year when James had you under Rictasempra for half an hour, what did you do to get him back?"

At this both Remus and Sirius grinned. "That was well dodged, Lily, well dodged indeed. I'll humour you though, since I already promised to tell you."

"You are too kind,"

"Don't you ever forget it. Anyway, after Quidditch practice one day I stole his clothes while he was in the shower. I waited outside and every time he tried to summon clothes from his room I would intercept then. In the end he had to fly to his room naked. It got him in huge trouble. In fact, he was banned from the last Quidditch game of the season. He hated me for that, took him a week just to speak to me again. But he became a legend among the students... particularly the females. So the revenge sort of backfired. He ended up getting more girls than I did that month..."

"I knew it had something to do with nudity!" she said triumphantly. "He refused to tell me."

"I don't blame him," said Remus.

"Still, he made it sound like this terrible thing when really it was nothing more than a pleasant naked jaunt on a broom. Nothing to be ashamed of."

"Save the nudity bit," Remus added fairly.

"He has nothing to be ashamed of. It's not as if he is hideous and misshapen," She remembered the few times she had seen him en dishabille. Not hideous or misshapen in the slightest… A faint blush began to creep into her cheeks.

"You like James, don't you," Remus said, simply.

"He's my professor," she said defensively, cheeks growing redder.

"Oh, right. You like Professor Potter," Sirius said teasingly. Remus grinned.

"Oh... just... fall off a broomstick," she spat.

Sirius laughed heartily. "What? How many times have we been through this. It's not a sin."

"Isn't it?" she said sadly.

"It's not a sin, no. Against the rules, yes, but James never set much stock by the rules," Remus said rationally.

"And neither do you..." added Sirius with a charming smile, taking her hand in his.

"That's... completely different. There is nothing... that is to say that he and I are not... We don't... oh just go eat a dungbomb."

"I'm sorry Lils, we'll stop teasing you," he said pulling her head down to rest on his shoulder. He patted her hair. "Do you think that if he reacts the same way you do, that he feels the same way you do too?" Sirius asked honestly to the table at large.

"Why, what has he said?" she asked, excitement and curiosity mingling together with a familiar warmth. But this time that familiar warmth was more of a with furious heat. She rose quickly, extricating herself from Sirius. "So that's basically what we've been doing in Ancient Runes. I have to go now, it was nice seeing you both. Owl me sometime. Bye!" she said in one long stream of continuous speech, pushing at the invisible man behind her speedily out the door.

Sirius looked completely confused as Remus laughed.

"That was her signal to tell me when James came back."

"How can she tell when he's under the cloak?"

"Who knows? I wonder how much of that conversation he heard... Lily said he likes eavesdropping."

"He always has. It's the auror in him."

x

"You never said Sirius would be there too," James growled the moment they left the Hogshead. He had arrived just in time to see his best friend put Lily's head on his shoulder with smarmy smile. He couldn't hear what Sirius had said, but he was sure it wasn't chaste or of pure intent.

"I didn't know myself! I'm sorry, don't be angry with me!" she whimpered.

"I'm not mad at you."

"Then, could you let go of my arm? You're hurting."

"Oh," he said, surprised and ashamed of himself for once again, taking his frustration out on her. "I'm sorry, I didn't realise..."

"It's ok. Why does it matter if Sirius was there? I thought you were friends..."

"We are. Best friends. And ever since I told him about..." he wasn't going to say the arousal spell, so he quickly changed it to something else "your prank with Filch's records he's been wanting to meet you."

"So?"

"So? I know what he's like with women. Believe me, you do not want to get involved with Sirius Black."

"So you were trying to protect me from your philandering friend?"

"Sounds so cheesy when you put it like that."

"I had a great teacher in all things cheesy," she said jokingly. "But he was perfectly charming."

"Sirius is always perfectly charming," he said sourly.

"That's not what I meant. He was a perfect gentleman."

"So he didn't..."

"Kiss my hand, flirt with me the entire time, ask me to marry him? Yeah, but apart from that he was completely fine!" she joked.

"Hmm... marriage proposal is a new tactic."

"Don't worry, we aren't engaged."

"Congratulations Miss Evans, you are the first known women to turn him down."

"Do I get a prize?"

"Yes, your prize is that you don't have to put up with him."

They both laughed. Merlin it felt good to be laughing with her again, James thought. He almost regretted having to change back into their animagi forms, because that hampered conversation. Communicating as an animal wasn't nearly as effective as using English. He realised, however, that because they were the same species, communication was a bit easier even than it was with the other Marauders. The thing about being an animal though, was that conversation didn't seem as important. It was just the companionship, the feeling of togetherness, solidarity. There was just a mutual understanding that left no real need for conversation.

They walked, ran, jumped, and frolicked back to Hogwarts, stopping to explore interesting places or smells. Once back on the grounds they ran into Mercury for the first time since the last midnight. James could tell Lily was relieved and wanted to spend time with him, so all the three of them went to the lake. Lily and Mercury settled themselves in a nice grassy place beside the water, and James stood, looking out.

It was late when Lily and James finally returned to the castle. Both of them were in such excellent moods. It was almost as if by tacit agreement that they didn't speak of the previous week. They didn't want to bring it up and ruin the cheerfulness. A week. An entire week had gone by without a word of real conversation. It had been a wretched time for both of them and they never wanted to go through it again.

After a veritable feast in the kitchens they went back to Lily's room. James lit the fire and they played a game of chess, neither one of them really focused on the game and James knocked over even more pieces than usual, but it didn't seem to bother him this time.

He couldn't remember what had been said exactly, but Lily was laughing pleasantly, her hand at her chest. James noticed that it was bare, and remembered that now that they were speaking again there was something he wanted, no, needed to do. He rose and walked over to her. He withdrew the pouch she had given him, and from it took out the Dragon's Eye. When she saw it she stopped laughing and stood, transfixed. James placed himself behind her and brushed her hair to one side. He let his fingers draw over her skin slowly as he did and breathed in the scent of her hair. With slightly shaky hands he fastened the chain around her neck, then pulled her hair through so that it flowed over her shoulders. Once again he was painfully aware of the space between them. Too much space. He stepped in so that his chest was touching her back.

"Don't ever take it off," he breathed, desperately fighting the urge to wrap his arms around her, pulling her tightly into him. He wanted her to wear it always, so that if there ever came a time when he wasn't there himself, a part of him would forever remain to protect her.

She touched it with her fingers as she turned to face him. She was so achingly beautiful. That was the only way he could describe her. He ached when he saw her, as if he were unworthy to look upon such beauty, but couldn't keep his eyes away and this pain was his punishment.

He couldn't stop his own hand from reaching out to hers, closing it around those beautifully cold stones. It was a physical pain now, the stab of his heart. He had to close his eyes and take his hand away to stop himself from… something. He didn't know what. He felt like he was going to fall over.

x

She put a hand to his forehead worriedly. He didn't feel like he had a fever but something was definitely the matter. It was as if all of a sudden he had lost all his strength. He looked so ill she was afraid he might faint.

"James? Are you alright?"

"No. Yes. I will be," he said shaking his head as if to clear away some fog in his mind.

"You don't look well."

"I don't think I am," he said uncertainly.

"Sit, before you pass out," she said gently leading him towards the couch. He allowed himself to be led. He fell into the couch, and kept his eyes closed as she brought his head into her lap. She began stroking his hair automatically.

"No," he groaned. "I can't bear it."

"Can't bear what? Are you in pain?"

"It's unendurable."

"James, I'm worried. I'm going to take you to the Hospital Wing."

"No. I'll be fine," he said rolling off her and staggering away with his eyes still shut.

x

James could only imagine what Madame Pomfrey would say if he came into the Hospital Wing suffering from love sickness. "I just need to go back to my office and rest. I'll be fine, goodnight."

"I'm not leaving you alone in the state you're in."

"You'll have to," he said with a weak sort of laugh. If he didn't get away from her soon something in him was going to burst.

"You can stay here tonight," she offered.

"No," he said emphatically. If he stayed in her bed tonight there would be no stopping him doing something he would regret in the morning, but right at that moment there was nothing else in the world he wanted more.

"Can I run you a bath, or something?"

A bath! That was it. A cold one, a nice cold bath. That would calm him down and perhaps get his heart out of his throat and start beating again. It would clear his head.

"Yeah, if you wouldn't mind. Not hot water though."

"Surely a steamy soak will ease your lungs better than a freezing one."

"Just draw the bath, my dear."

It wasn't until he heard the bathwater start running in the other room that he dared open his eyes again. He looked down and saw to his unbelievable relief that he didn't show any physical signs of his suffering. He had been afraid he would be hard as a rock, and wouldn't that be interesting to explain. Not that she hadn't seen him with an erection before, but this time she wouldn't have used a spell.

Now that he thought about it, he was astonished that he had managed to contain himself. By all accounts, it didn't make sense. He should have been stretching his pants by now, why wasn't he? Perhaps he was ill after all.

'Ah,' he thought as he felt it take. 'There it goes.' He had simply been too busy thinking about his heart to worry about his equipment, but now that he was thinking about it…Well... It was like not noticing you are hungry until someone mentions food.

"It's ready!" she shouted from the bathroom.

"Thank Merlin for that," he said under his breath. 'And for large concealing cloaks.'

He eased himself into the tub and noticed that it was only tepid. He wasn't going to hold it against her though. It worked just as well. He had been in there for thirty minutes when Lily knocked on the door.

"Yes?"

"Draw the curtain I'm brushing my teeth," she announced. He did so and she entered. "Feeling better?" she asked.

"Much better, thank you," he replied cheerfully. He really was too.

"Good, you had me worried." She spoke while brushing, a trick that Sirius could do but that James had never been able to master. He splashed around, blowing at the bubbles that were slowly disappearing. He heard her spit and rinse her mouth.

"Do you floss, Evans?"

"Why do you ask?"

"Just curious."

"Yes, I floss."

"Me too."

"Well goody, we have something in common," she said with sarcasm. "Are you going to be in there much longer?"

"No, I'm getting out now. No more bubbles, no more fun."

"Towels are right there for you."

"Thank you."

The door shut and James rose from the tub and dried himself off. When he stepped out into her room he was faced with a decision. There she was, curled up in her bed. She had offered him to stay there for the night, but he had told himself he shouldn't. Now that he had the 'situation' under control he had the liberty to consider the matter. If he stayed, it would be like a test of his strength, fortitude, and will power… Resisting temptation and all that. It would be a character building exercise. In fact, if he went back and slept in his own bed it would be taking the easy and cowardly way out.

He crawled into her bed wondering how the hell he had managed to rationalise that. Oh well, too late now, he was already in bed.

"So you really are better now?" she asked.

"I look better, don't I?"

"Yes…" she trailed off. "I had an aunt who suffered from panic attacks."

"I didn't have a panic attack."

"But the symptoms were similar. I mean they can happen at any given moment, it doesn't have to be…"

James put a finger to her lips and she ceased talking abruptly. "Goodnight, Lily." She nodded in response, keeping her lips obediently pressed together.

She really didn't get it. He was glad for it but still, seeing her so clueless was an interesting change from the know-it-all she usually was. Panic attacks indeed…

A while later, Lily mumbled something in her sleep that James couldn't understand and she curled tighter into herself. Her face looked troubled and she mumbled something again. He couldn't catch the meaning but it certainly hadn't been a happy sound. She thrashed a bit and let out a muffled cry.

"Shh…" he soothed, putting his hand on the back of her head. He wouldn't wake her if he could help it. "Nothing's going to happen to you, everything will be fine," he said stroking her hair. She seemed to calm as she curled up into him. "That's my girl," he said putting an arm around her. This didn't count as giving into temptation because she had been having a nightmare, he told himself.

She stopped twitching all together and stretched out again, no longer in that little ball. She repositioned herself so that her head rested on his shoulder, on arm across his chest and one leg crossed over his. His thumb made small circles on her arm. The skin there, like everywhere else he had touched, was soft. His arm tightened around her and she made a sleepy sort of mumble that he took to be a hum of consent and approval.

"I love you," he whispered. He half hoped she heard. He wanted her to know that she was loved. The other half was glad she was asleep, so he wouldn't run the risk of scaring her off and losing her forever. This was probably the only time he could ever be truly honest with both her and himself. He kissed the top of her head. "So much."