A Deep Cry 38
Rating: M - 16+ (Yaoi)
After they finally got home, Naruto insisted on helping Sasuke wash up. Sasuke wasn't in the mood for arguing so he let Naruto pleases himself. The two washed up their beat bodies together. When Sasuke took his shirt off, Naruto lowered his eyebrows and bent his lips in pain to see the bruises that were all over his pale body. The more he looked at those bruises, the angrier he got.
Sasuke sensed Naruto's eyes gazing at him intently. He dipped his body into the water, leaned his head back, shut his eye, then said,
"I have a pale skin. Even a deep kiss would leave a mark. It's not as bad as it looks. So, don't put that expression on your face."
"Sorry… I was just…"
"You were feeling sorry for me. I can see that, and I really hate it."
"No, Sasuke. I was feeling angry—
"Angry at yourself for not being there earlier to protect me. Yeah, I hate that."
"Why do you always complicate things, Sasuke?"
"I'm not. It is what it is. You suddenly seem to have this need to protect me. I don't know where you get it from… it's as if you were hired to guard me all the time or something…"
"Don't do this Sasuke... don't take this away from me…"
"It's because I care about you." Naruto said.
"That's not it. This is different. You're always on your toes around me. It's clear that you're restless all the time. You're frightened and I can see that. It's in your eyes. You're always worried… I don't know what you're afraid of though, but it's turning your life into a nightmare."
"Was I so obvious to your eyes all this time!? Am I that bad at keeping secrets?
How much did you guess already? Did I make a mistake by getting closer to you?"
Naruto tried to explain,
"Well… you were kidnapped once before… it's only natural that I feel a little protective over you… I don't want that to happen again to you…."
Sasuke remained silence and didn't move or even open his eye. Naruto got close and asked,
"Are you mad at me, Sasuke?"
"You want to truth?"
"Please."
He said in a deep voice,
"You scare me, Naruto."
Naruto blinked and crooked his eyebrows,
"I scare you? How?"
"…."
Sasuke opened his eye and said,
"There's something I've been meaning to talk to you about, Naruto. You need to hear this. It concerns you as well. It's about my father, and my future…"
Naruto's heartbeats raced. He felt uneasy about this. He didn't know what Sasuke had in mind but he didn't like it. That deep look he had on his eye wasn't smiling.
"What is it, Sasuke?" He asked in worry,
A deep look crossed his eye, He remained quiet for a moment in a try to prepare himself for this. In the same deep voice, he said,
"My father… The man who never looked at me my entire life just called me that other day asking for forgiveness…"
Naruto lowered his eyes. He already knew about this. He already ruined this moment for himself. He didn't know how to react to it, so he remained silence and listened.
"My father has never really been a part of my life… Itachi was the one who raised me… I didn't know why my father hated me so much… I didn't know why he kept his distance from me… I remember him living with us when I was still a little child. I'd greet him everyday and try to tell him about things that I thought will empresse him, but he'd always… always leave the room the moment I walk in… he's never spoken to me, not one word. Nothing…"
Sasuke shifted his pupil to the corner of his eye and continued,
"He left us when I was almost four years old and went to live alone. I was still awake when he had that talk about his decision with Itachi. He told him that he would provide for us, but not live with us. Itachi wasn't happy with my father's decision. He rejected it so hard and asked about the reason behind it. My father only gave fake reasons… then Itachi spoke the real reason in that moment of anger… He finally screamed the real reason behind my father's resentment towards me…. I had no clue about it back then… I was too small to guess it…"
Naruto couldn't hold his tear. He felt sorry for the little Sasuke. He wanted to hug him so bad. That little kid who knew nothing about his father's resentment towards him. That child who kept smiling to his father's eyes, wishing for those eyes to acknowledge his existence some day… only to get disappointed again and again…
Sasuke continued with slightly wavering voice,
"It's because you don't want to see Sasuke's face! It's because you think that he is the reason why mother died! You blame him for mother's death! I know you do!" That's what Itachi said that day… and I heard every word of it… and I memorized those words… and… I repeated them to myself again and again and again…"
"Sasuke…" Naruto murmured in pain.
Sasuke cried and continued,
"I was a child. I thought that maybe I did kill my mother. Such an evil child… I killed her without even know it. How did I kill her? When? Why? Am I possessed or something? Maybe I should die before I kill anyone else…"
He inhaled then continued,
"After hearing those words, I… I tried to kill myself more than once… but I was so frightened to do it… I thought that I'd go to hell because I was a bad child who killed his mother…" he contined,
"There was this pool, just a little away from the house… I thought that I'd threw myself in that pool so I won't be able to stop myself from drowning. I also thought that this would be a painless death… so I ran from home and went to that pool at night… I was so scared… and it was dark and quiet… I was shaking in fear… I kept imagining ghosts and hearing voices… so I shut my eyes and my ears and just ran faster to that pool… thinking that this will end once I jump into that pool…"
Naruto hid his eyes with his hand and mumbled,
"I'm so sorry to hear all of this… You don't have to remember it… You don't have to save those memories… you should forget them…"
"They're part of me… this is my childhood… Naruto…"
He continued,
"I stood by that pool and hesitated… Then Itachi's words resonated in my head… and my father's angry eyes crossed my mind… I then shut my eyes and just leaned back and let my body fall in the water… it felt cold, so cold… I remember sinking deep... I got really scared… there was nothing to grab on into… my feet couldn't reach the ground, and my hands couldn't reach the pool borders… I was helpless; I couldn't do anything under the water… so I called! when I felt the water in my nose, I called… I called for Itachi… "Nii-san!"… The water got in my nose and mouth… it hurt… but I thought that this will end so soon and I won't feel anything anymore."
He leaned his head slightly to the right and continued,
"The next thing I remember is, I was on the ground with Itachi looking at my face with tears on his red eyes… he hugged me so tight the moment I opened my eyes and mumbled in tears, "I'm glad you're still alive! I'm glad you're okay! I'm sorry I left you alone! I thought I lost you! Don't ever do this to me again! Promise me that you won't disappear again!" I don't know how he saved me… or how he knew that I was there… but he did! He came for me… It was that painful look he showed me that day that kept me from trying to end my life again…"
Naruto didn't know what to say. He couldn't hold back. He got into the bathtub without thinking, grabbed Sasuke to his chest and hugged him so tight and cried,
"I'm so sorry… I can't… call it what you will… I can't stop hugging you…"
Sasuke didn't mind Naruto. He shifted his pupil to the corner of his eye and continued,
"After that night, I thought that I'd live for my brother's sake. So he won't cry again. I even went to my mother's grave and told her that I'm sorry for killing her… I told her that I want to live so Itachi won't be alone… I even said to her that she has to understand… "If you love Itachi like I do, then you will understand. You can punish me for killing you when I die. I will accept it… I will be a good boy until then… and I hope you forgive me… mother…""
He smiled in his tears and said,
"The same man… the man who never looked at me… The man who made me do all of this... he's begging for forgiveness now… the pain of guilt is killing him… He lost everyone… but he still could have me… his son…."
"I don't get it…?" Naruto mumbled.
"That's why I'm... leaving... Naruto…"
Naruto's heart skipped a beat. He gasped while still hugging Sasuke,
"Leaving?"
Sasuke shut his eye and nodded. Naruto pulled back, looked at Sasuke's face and asked,
"What do you mean you're leaving?"
"I'm leaving the land of fire, I'm leaving Konoha, Naruto."
Naruto blinked. His hands that were grabbing Sasuke's arms trembled. His eyes wavered. His lips parted. His heart pounded. He asked without blinking,
"I don't get it?"
Sasuke lowered his eye and sealed his lips and placed a painful expression on his face. Naruto grabbed Sasuke upper arms harder and asked,
"Why? When? For how long? When are you coming back?"
Sasuke gazed at Naruto's eyes and said,
"My father… is sending me to study abroad. I don't know when I'm leaving exactly, but I should leave before the end of this semester…"
Naruto loosened his grips and asked,
"How long? How long will you be away?"
"I don't know… Four years, maybe more…. It depends… I don't know for sure."
"That's… too long…!"
Sasuke gazed away and said nothing. Naruto stared at Sasuke's face in a shock. He didn't even notice that he's been shaking so hard. His mind was struggling with the idea of not having Sasuke by his side!
"I don't want him to go… I don't want him to leave…
Why is he leaving? I need him to stay close to me…
He's… He's my loved one! He's my cage! He's my reason to live!"
Sasuke shifted his eye and gazed at Naruto. He lowered his eyebrows, reached out and stroked his cheek gently,
"You will be fine, Naruto."
Naruto snapped. He grabbed Sasuke's arms again, shook him hard, glared at his dark eye and shouted,
"NO, I WON'T! HOW CAN I BE FINE WITH YOU GONE! I NEED YOU!"
Sasuke gasped and tilted his head back instinctively. His eye open widely and his lips parted. His heartbeats raced and he shivered. He then lowered his eye and murmured,
"N… Naruto… I…"
Naruto shook his head in rejection. His tears fell down. He gasped,
"I… I love you… Sasuke. I need you! I can't live without you!"
Sasuke bit his lip and shifted his pupil to the corner of his eye. Naruto bit his lips and mumbled,
"I can't…. Let you…go…" he called,
"Sasuke…"
Sasuke shook his head and mumbled,
"…I… I really have to do this…"
"Maybe I could come with you?"
"No… no I can't... that's selfish! I won't let you!"
"Why?"
"It's… I just know that you won't fit there… and I don't want you to destroy your future for me… I just... I really don't want to do this but… I have to…"
"I can manga! I managed here… I'll be fine as long as I'm with you!"
"No… don't do this... don't threw your life for me! You don't have to go through this! You're fine here…"
"But… Sasuke, I…"
"Please stop… please… don't make this harder than it already is… please, just… just…."
Naruto froze when he saw the troubled look that crossed Sasuke's damaged face. He then embraced Sasuke to his chest with widely open eyes.
"This fragile Sasuke… I love him… I love this broken Sasuke…
I want to protect him from everything… I want to keep him wrapped in my arms…
I want to watch over him all the time…
This is my reason to live… I want him in my life… I need him in my life…!"
Sasuke gasped in his tears and said in a low voice,
"I'm sorry… Naruto… but I need to do this…"
Naruto brushed Sasuke's wet hair and whispered in his ear,
"It's okay. It's okay… I understand… I was being selfish…"
He bit his lips and said,
"My… my father… He wants to be redeemed, Naruto…. I… want to give him this… if this is what he needs to be able to forgive himself… then… I…"
"I understand, Sasuke…. I love you for doing it."
"He's the only family I have left…. I don't want to regret it… and I don't want to see him suffer… He's my father, Naruto… he's my father…"
"I know… and I love you for doing this for him…"
"I…really—
"Shh… just… don't think about it for now. You're doing the right thing."
Sasuke let a cry escape his lips. It sounded like a painful chuckle,
"I… love you… too… Naruto."
"Yeah… I know… I know… You don't need to say it… I already saw it in your eyes." He smiled.
Naruto let few tears fall and made sure Sasuke doesn't see them, as they were for his own pain for having to accept what he couldn't bear. He inhaled and put on a smile then broke the hug. He grinned forcefully and pated Sasuke's shoulder,
"I'll see you in the holidays, right?"
Sasuke nodded with a faint smile on his lips,
"I'll come visit you. I promise."
"I'll be waiting."
Naruto smile then kissed Sasuke's lips tenderly. He then smiled to his eyes and murmured,
"I will let you be alone now so you can relax for a bit."
Naruto was about to get off when Sasuke grabbed his arm with lowered eye. Naruto lowered his eyebrows.
"You shouldn't… You will break me down… I'm barely holding myself together…"
"Stay with me a little longer… will you…?" Sasuke murmured.
Naruto swallowed his pain and mumbled,
"Sure…"
Naruto retuned to the bathtub. Then moment he sat down, Sasuke threw himself on him and kissed his lips deeply. Sasuke was quavering and was kissing Naruto passionately while holding back his tears. Naruto couldn't ignore the pain in Sasuke's face. He grabbed Sasuke's cheek and pushed him back. Sasuke was gasping and blushing. Naruto looked right into his left eye and said,
"I will always love you. I will always be yours. And I will find away to come see you. I promise."
Sasuke smiled and murmured with a tear sliding against his cheek,
"Thank you."
Naruto kissed Sasuke's lips deeply and leaned him back gently. He leaned over the pale body and slid a tongue into the gapped mouth. Sasuke hugged Naruto firmly and kissed his lips back deeply. The two engaged into a deep, passionate kiss, full of love and pain and let their thoughts reached each other's hearts,
"I'm sorry I must leave you… It's against my wish…"
"I know… and I admire you for stepping on your pain to do this…"
That night, they kissed each other's wounds, signed to each other's pains, and danced to each other's feelings. They wrote a piece of a dreamy melody to play when the right moment comes, The moment when they break down and fall on their knees in despair, letting their long held deep cry out of its glassy cage. they knew that in that moment their hearts will shatter and their souls will bleed, and only one thing will keep them strong. In that moment, only this melody of love will shine brightly and lit the darkness, turning the pain of loss into a sweet memory of love, with a glance of hope.
"I will always be there waiting for you."
"I will always be there thinking of you."
"I will always be there dreaming of you."
"I will never forget about you, my one and only love."
What Naruto couldn't speak with his mouth, he send with his body,
"Don't leave me in this hell alone… Sasuke…
Why Can't I just say this to you?
Why did it have to go that way?
Why do you have to leave…?
I need you. Why can't I be selfish and have you for me? I really need you, Sasuke..."
To be Continued