Thanks for the reviews, some of them made me laugh. They help alot with my confidence in my chapters. Sorry for the delay, I hope you like this new chapter.
Tiniest Notion
It's been more then a couple of days since Spencer pulled Carmen's plug and Carmen has yet to pass, not that I'm hoping for it, but I hate seeing what it does to Spencer. Amelia left, only Mr. and Mrs. Carlin know where she is. Apparently they worked out something with the school where she can graduate without being there. She left without any goodbyes which I'm beginning to think is a trait of the Carlins. In between her being gone and waiting on Carmen to die Spencer has been a complete wreck. Though she covers it well around Rowan I can see right through her façade. When we are together most of the time she doesn't say anything, she just sits there and watches me. She tries though, for me she tries to pretend like she's happy. She picks me up from school everyday, making my car useless, and even eats lunch at the school with me. Kyla and Aiden found it weird and awkward at first, but then they realized how not there she really is and it became for sad to watch then anything. Spencer and Rowan moved, but they moved so they are equal distance from me and their family, most likely done on purpose. She goes to visit Madison often to help with the anything she might need, taking on the responsibility of her brother. Combine that with the fact that Spencer's been working with her grandfather on god knows what and you have one stressed Carlin that not even CJ could make smile a real smile.
"Clay and Chelsea got engaged", Spencer says with indifference as I clean my room. It had gotten ridiculously dirty in the past weeks, so much so that an odor was forming. So for the sake for Spencer and I's health I decided to have a cleaning day.
"That's great, did they set a date?" I don't hear anything so I look over to the window sill where Spencer is sitting. She is staring at her cell phone and I give up hope on her having heard me. I put down the pile of clothes I had gathered and walk over to Spencer. She closes her phone quickly and looks at me with a fake smile.
"Need help Love?" I sigh at how hard she tries to put up a front.
"I know you're waiting on the hospital to call" I leave out the part where I think she's waiting on Amelia too. She shakes her head and places her hands on my hips.
"It smells horrid in here let me give you a hand" She stands up and leans in to kiss me. Right when our lips are about to touch her phone rings and she jumps back so quickly a gust of air hits my face. "Spencer Carlin", she answers. "What flavor?.... They don't make a pickled flavor ice cream Madison… Okay… Okay… I'll be there in an hour give or take" She hangs up the phone and gives me a look that says 'I hope you understand'.
"Go help Madison, I don't mind sharing my girlfriend" Spencer smiles, what seems to be her first real smile in awhile, the same smile she gave me in the beginning when we met. Even though we never discussed what we are I've started thinking of her as my girlfriend.
"I'm sorry I've been such a fun killer. How about tonight I'll ask my mom and dad to keep Rowan and I'll bring some movies, some food, and we'll make a night of it? I'll even sleep over", she coaxes.
"Will you stay long enough in the morning to officially meet my mother?" She had been avoiding doing it for some time now and I was tired of telling my mother that Spencer wasn't imaginary, even though it does feel like it occasionally.
"Yes, you have my word" That's enough for me so I kiss her and walk to my front door.
"See you later", I call after her when she walks to her car.
"Of course you will", she replies. I close my door and take a seat downstairs, needing a break. The front door opens and I assume its Aiden, he has a key now. Kyla has been in her room all day so I don't expect anymore then a hello from him. I look to the side and watch as he takes a seat next to me.
"Hello to you too", I jokingly greet him. He doesn't say anything so I pinch his side only to have him grimace. "Aide, what's wrong?"
"I thought things were good, I was stupid. He was just being so nice, treating me like he loved me again" I already know he is speaking of his father and I feel my blood boil. Kyla and Aiden had put off their plans to move in momentarily. "He found out I was sneaking out at night, he confronted me"
"Aiden", I whisper. He looks at me lifts his shirt so I can see the large purple bruise occupying his side.
"It's okay Ashley because I finally did it. I stood up to him, I fought back, I wish I could have done it when Jesse was still alive, but I did it" He pulls his shirt down then leans back against the couch. "I stood up for myself"
"Aiden did… did you kill him?" I'm not condoning him, but if so we should probably talk to the experts and see what the Carlins would do. Aiden gives chuckles.
"No, he's still living, unfortunately, but now he knows. He knows I'm a man now and I'm not going to take his shit anymore" He glances in my direction with a smile and I attack him with a hug. He winces and I pull back.
"Sorry Aide"
"It's okay, just gonna take awhile to heal" And for some reason I don't think he was just talking about his bruise. "I feel like we haven't been spending enough alone time together", he says randomly. It's true, there was a time where I spent everyday with him and every second I didn't spend with Jesse was spent with him.
"You got your dream girl; I understand that can cut into best friend time"
"It shouldn't though", he glances in my direction. "We should spend Wednesday together, after school. We'll do something, just you and me"
"That sounds like a plan" Aiden nods his head before we are interrupted by a familiar voice.
"Hey boyfriend, where you been all day?" Kyla skips down the stairs and plops herself in Aiden's lap. He doesn't flinch and I can tell he's become an expert at this. Kyla wraps her arms around his neck and he reciprocates the move around her waist. "Hey sis, where's Sweeney Todd?" Since Spencer has been brooding so much Kyla has taken to calling her names of characters from Tim Burton films.
"She's taking care of Madison and don't call her that" I hit her with a nearby pillow cushion.
"Come on Ashley, it's not like she's been the queen of fun lately"
"Kyla her fiancée is going to die any day now and her baby sister ran off. Not to mention her older brother is in jail"
"Okay, but would it kill the girl to crack a smile, she's the only person I know who can go a whole Family Guy episode without even so much as a smirk on her face. She watched the whole episode with that serious look on her face" Aiden has a look of amusement on his face about his girlfriend's comment. She's not wrong, Spencer kept a straight face and then at the end she just looked at me and said I don't get it.
"She has a lot going on Ky", I respond.
"Yeah, but it shouldn't affect ALL the time you two spend together"
And in a way, she's right.
/
Three hours later I get worried when I don't hear from Spencer. I've sent her text, but I get nothing in response. I practically crush my phone jumping on it when I hear it ring finally.
"Hello", I huff out. Aiden and Kyla stare at me like I've grown a third head, but then return back to the movie we were all watching.
"Hey it's CJ", I sigh in disappointment.
"Hey CJ", I let out tiredly.
"Sorry to be calling, I got your number from Spencer's phone. Ashley, Carmen died an hour ago…" There is a buzzing noise in my ears and her next words sound far away. All I can think about is how Spencer's doing. "Spencer isn't too good, she hasn't left the room and I was thinking maybe you…"
"I'll be there in twenty" Sure I might cause some accidents, but I'll get there. I hang up the phone and find my shoes and keys. Kyla and Aiden watch me, but I just sign to Aiden that I'll be back. I run to my car and get in before speeding off to the hospital.
Two almost accidents later, I'm walking towards Carmen's room, outside the room Rowan is in CJ's arms crying. Madison is looking through the glass window at what I assume is Spencer.
"Ashley", Rowan says prior to barreling into me. Since Spencer and I have been spending more time together I've been spending time with Rowan. The birthday present Kyla, Aiden, and I bought made him an instant fan of me. I hug him tightly as CJ and Madison watch us.
"Where are the rest of them?" I ask to no one in general.
"Paula couldn't do it so they didn't even come up here. Clay and Chelsea left a little while before you came", CJ answers. I haven't spent much time with CJ, but I don't hate her. She's been nothing, but kind to me. I nod my head and pull Rowan away from me gently. I walk over to the door of the room and open it. The first thing that catches my eye is Carmen's body, covered by a white sheet. A chill runs through my body, I never got to see Jesse's body after her death. I didn't get to see my dad's either, but now I'm grateful because even if she is covered, the idea of Carmen being under that sheet makes me stomach turn.
"I don't suggest pulling the sheet back", Spencer's voice floats to my ears. I look up and see her leaning against the wall on the far side of the room. "She doesn't look like herself… not that I expected her too… it's just… different"
"Spencer…" I sigh. I walk over to her and lean against the wall next to her. I lean on my shoulder so I can see her face clearly.
"I guarantee you that there is nothing you could say that would make me feel less like shit", she cuts me off. "Everyone has tried already, I've heard 'there was nothing you could do' and 'things will get better'"
"Have you heard 'I love you'?" I whisper tenderly. Spencer looks at me with watery blue eyes.
"I've especially heard those", there is no malice in her tone, but I can't help, but feel a little burned by that comment. I let the silence take over, not sure of what else to say. "I didn't imagine that it would feel this… painful" Spencer lifts her hand and uses the back of it to wipe her eyes. "I've sat in this room and thought of several ways I could kill myself"
"I know it feels like you don't deserve to live…" Spencer shakes her head violently and stands straight up to face me.
"No it's not that… I don't want to live without her" She clutches her chest and her eyes bare so much emotion in them that it causes me to hurt for her. "At least when she was here, she was here. I could come here and I could touch her and I could pretend she was here. I could pretend that she was just sleeping and at any second she would wake up and we would go back to the way things were. Now… she's gone and I have nothing left in me, I'm not even sure who I am without her" I reach out and take a hold of her hands, bringing her towards me. She keeps her head down and eyes closed as I run my hands softly over her cheeks.
"Spencer…" I say softly. She places her hands on my waist and buries her head in the crook of my neck.
"I love you, I swear I do. I'm just hurting and I'm so scared for you", she mumbles into my neck. I take a moment to relax at her declaration, knowing it might be the last time I hear it, knowing Spencer well enough to know that took a lot. "I'm so scared that I'll hurt you, that we'll fight and something will go wrong. That's not something you should have to worry about, dying because you left the toothpaste cap off" I laugh lightly at her choice of words.
"We don't have to worry about that, I hate when people leave the caps off of toothpaste" She chuckles, for the first time in awhile.
"Me too"
"Okay then that's one fight down, now what's you stance on towels being left on the floor" Our moment is interrupted when Rowan walks in. His head doesn't turn to look at his sister, eyes purely focused on us.
"Can we go home now Spencer?" Spencer pulls away from me and fixes her posture, going back to her usual demeanor.
"Yeah, we just have to walk Ashley to her car first"
"I'll do that" CJ offers. Spencer looks at me looking for my approval. I nod my head and she kisses my cheek before walking off with Rowan, who gives me a small wave goodbye. I walk towards CJ and we begin a slow walk to the elevator. Spencer had apparently parked on the other side of the hospital. "I used to have the biggest crush on Spencer growing up" I quirk my eyebrow at her and she shrugs her shoulders. "I don't know why, I think it was because she was always an old soul even at a young age. She didn't play any games and as you already know, started drugs early. I think it was her adult like ways that made me attracted to her, I was a whore like that", she jokes.
"What happened?"
"Nothing big really, I never told her and she found Carmen. She fell in love and slowly it became okay to just be her friend. It happens when you are young, feelings you once thought were so strong, fade a little", she gives me a pointed look after that statement.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Yeah shoot kid I'm an open book", I grimace at her kid comment and she laughs.
"Do you love her?"
"I do and I always will. She was there for me all those nights when I tried to hurt myself over my parents. She would hold me and tell me that if no one else loved me, she did. That's why after the Carmen incident I still couldn't see her as the monster she portrayed herself as"
"Can I ask you one more thing?'
"Kid, do I look like a teacher?" I shake my head at her question. "Then just ask it, you don't have to ask to ask a question, it's unnecessary" We reach the elevator and CJ presses the ground floor.
"Why did you and Spencer stop talking?" CJ visibly tenses at my words. She leans her body against the elevator wall.
"Because I refused to hate her" The elevator doors open and I know that our conversation is over. I leave the elevator, but CJ stays behind letting me know that her escort service stops here. "I still have business here, I'll see you later kid" She holds two fingers in the air and gives me a short wave with them. The doors close and I head to my car.
I drive slowly on my way home, not seeing a reason to rush. When I get home I only see my mother's car in the driveway, I guess Kyla and Aiden went out. I walk through my front door and see my mom on the couch. She's been gone a lot lately, but she assures me that things won't be like that for much longer.
"Hey Mom", I greet her with a hug when I come in. She smiles at me and cups my face and pecks my cheek in that way that mother's do. I smiles to myself at the thought of my mom attempting to be a real mother.
"Hey sweetie, you just missed your sister" I nod my head and start heading upstairs to my room. "And Ashley" I stop to look at her watching me from the living room. "Just be there for her" I'm not sure what she is talking about, but I say okay anyway. My mom has a tendency to say random things. I open the door to my room to see Spencer Carlin sitting on my bed. She stands up quickly and puts her hands in the front pockets of her jeans.
"Your mom let me in; I promised you I would come back. Who am I to break a promise?" she explains.
"Where is Rowan?" Part of me expected this, her doing something unpredictable, I just didn't think it would be this.
"I told him I had a promise to keep and then I dropped him off at my parents" She stands nervously biting her bottom lip. I realize that she is worried about my reaction to her just showing up. I put toss my keys on my desk and slowly walk towards her. I put my hands on her neck and stoke her cheek with my thumbs. Her eyes close at my touch and I kiss her forehead. She opens her eyes and leans in, her lips connecting with mines. The softness of her kiss warms me in a way that makes me feel loved. Her arms wrap around my waist holding me close to her. Our kissing is light, switching in between long kisses and short pecks. The only sounds that can be heard are our labored breathing. I wrap my arms around her neck and pull us closer together. My heart is pounding in my chest, anticipation for the future. I'm not talking about sex wise, I'm talking about I wonder what our kids will look like type of future. Not that I'm ready for that sort of thing, I'm just ready to spend a lot more time with this Carlin. When I feel Spencer's lips on mines I feel her everywhere, something I can't recall if I had with Jessica. Spencer's right hand runs up my arm at a deliberate pace. When she reaches my hands she takes my left and pulls it from her neck. She laces our fingers together and unintentionally turns me on. I pull out of the kiss and lay my head on her shoulder, knowing that this isn't the right time. Sex has been off of our table for some time now, too much keeps happening. "If the offer is still open I'd like to stay the night"
"The offer is open for as long as you want it. Do you want clothes to sleep in?"
"I hope you don't mind, I brought my own clothes" She points to her bag sitting neatly in the corner of my room.
"Its fine" She walks over to her bag and unzips it. Spencer pulls off her t shirt revealing her bare back I want to look away to give her privacy, but she's beautiful. She pulls a white wifebeater on and unbuttons her jeans. She pulls them off with ease despite how tight fitting they look on her, underneath are her blue boxer briefs. Her hands reach into the bag again to pull out some black silky pajama bottoms. She let's her hair down from its ponytail and before she turns around I pull off my pants. I look up to see her watching me. "It gets hot sometimes", I explain. She nods her head and gets into the bed. I follow her lead, unsure if cuddling is allowed so I face away from her. I feel her arms from behind me, holding me… and then I fall asleep.