Between 1.04 Return of the Shirt, and 1.05 Okay Awesome.

Damnation

"I know what you're doing,"

"What?"

"You. I know what you're up to. I'm not going to tell you what to do, but you should know that I know what you're doing,"

"I hate it when people misuse the word 'literally'- but I have literally no idea what you're talking about,"

"You. 'Step into my web' and 'Baby's gonna say this'- I know you're hitting on Robin,"

Barney pulls a confused face and cocks his head, trying to work out what to say.

"Well, duh. I mean, kinda. Kinda but not really," he says vaguely, "Like, not in that w-"

Dammit, honesty isn't making much sense (in his defence though, he doesn't know much about honesty). Barney pauses, thinks, and begins again:

"Okay, yeah, I'm hitting on Robin, but I'm not expecting anything to come of it- pun intended,"

"Well, good. Remember what I said about neither of you sleeping with her unless you marry her,"

He nods, "And I get that that's what Ted wants. Ted called silent dibs on her the night they met, so Robin is all his. He probably planned what canapés they'll have at their wedding and what their son's middle name is. I'm only hitting on her because...because she's hot, and I'm Barney Stinson,"

"Is that a good idea? He's your friend,"

"He's my best friend, Lily. And what do you take me for?- bros before hoes. If I was seriously hitting on Robin, I'd be breaking Bro Code Articles 1, 62 and sort of 150. I'd spend thirty years in Bro Hell!"

"...where it's white and boring and full of belts that don't match?"

"Worse than that- Bro Hell's full of jeans! And it's always just one degree warmer at the temperature you can see a chick's nipples ,"

"Sounds horrific,"

"...unlike the temperature of this apartment, which is perfect for nipple-viewing," he winks.

Lily throws a pen at him and wraps her cardigan further around herself.

"Honestly, I'm not serious about hooking up with her. I mean, when Robin inevitably gets bored of TheFifty Greatest Architectural Landmarks Of New York City and Ted relents his dibs, or when until he sees a new love of his life across another crowded room- then I'll make my move But for now, Robin's all his,"

"...so that was the long version of 'Yes Lily, I am hitting on her'"

"No it wasn't,"

"You said you'd make a move,"

Dammit, that's exactly what he said. He hates how sharp she is. "Umm..."

"We all know that Ted and Robin are kind of into each other- but even if that doesn't work out, she'll still be our friend- so I'm still warning you about hitting on her. Everyone who hooks up with you hates your guts, and I don't want Robin to hate your guts. I want her to stay friends- with all of us,"

"There are plenty of women I've slept with who don't hate my guts!" Barney retorts defensively "They love my guts! They love every part of my anatomy after the Earth-shaking, record-breaking, love-making, most-certainly-not-Viagra-taking night they spent with me," he retorts defensively, "I'll call one of them now to prove-"

"Don't,"

"If you don't believe-"

"I do believe you. But I stand by what I said a couple of weeks ago- you want to have sex with Robin, you gotta get a ring on her finger first,"

"Actually, I'd much rather get her fingers-"

She throws a book at him and he dodges, yelping.

"She's new to the City and she needs friends. Don't ruin this with your playboy voodoo, Barney. Please?"

"Fine," he sighs, and shakes her hand.

Thank you for reading. I'm not 100% sure about this one, so please review to let me know what you thought. Have a great week.