Author's Note: ::big long sigh:: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, this feels nice. We have some epic, EPIC stuff coming in the next few episodes.

P.S. – You can also find the production order of the episodes (the order I'm using) over at Memory Alpha.

Season Two, Episode Nine: The Apple

A landing party beams down with the following people: Kirk, Spock, Chekov, two random crewmen, and a yeoman I get to call Blondie Blonde.

It is very clear that they are outdoors, and to even think that they are on some kind of sound stage would be silly and/or ridiculous.

(((Fake foliage makes me giggle.

Yay 60s.)))

Kirk orders everyone to get to work, and they all scatter. Well, except for Spock. Spock wanders over to Kirk.

(((Shock. Amazement.)))

Then three more people beam down: McCoy and two random crewmen.

McCoy and Kirk talk about how lovely the place is and that the last scouting ship reported some wEiRd sensor readings, so their mission is to check it out and contact whatever is living there. Meanwhile, right next to them, Spock kneels down and picks up a handful of dirt to examine.

Spock: "The soil here is remarkably rich and fertile here, captain. Husbandry would be quite efficacious."

Kirk looks Spock up and down with a slight grin.

Kirk: "You sure about that?"

(((We're barely over the minute mark and Kirk is already giving Spock the once over.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Slash Drought is officially over. ::throws confetti::

Really, look at Kirk's expression and listen to his delivery of the line. It's a dead giveaway. Nobody looks at their "best bud" like that. Don't believe me? Try it with your closest friend sometime. Let me know how that works out for you.)))

Spock says that he's quite sure then comments about how the planet is able to maintain a constant temperature of 76 degrees.

Cut to Chekov and the blonde yeoman walking up to The BAMF Trio.

Chekov: "It makes me homesick. Just like Russia."

McCoy: "More like the Garden of Eden, ensign."

(((Gee, I WONDER what the MESSAGE of this EPISODE will be ABOUT?)))

Chekov: "Of course, doctor. The Garden of Eden was just outside Moscow. A very nice place. It must have made Adam and Eve very sad to leave."

(((A tip of my hat to Chekov for his incredible ability to bullshit, know he's bullshitting, and yet keep a completely straight face and sincere tone. Love him.)))

Kirk: "Just outside Moscow…all right."

(((Ha, I love his "all right" because, even though it's halfway under his breath, the delivery indicates a lighthearted "whatever floats your boat" attitude. It tickles me.)))

Kirk tells everyone to head towards the village they have coordinates for, and they set off.

Then we get a shot of a flower looking around.

(((It might seem silly to you, but it makes perfect sense to the good people watching at home who are currently baked out of their minds.)))

(((Now, whereas the flowers in This Side of Paradise were of the sneezing variety and made people happy, these are more of the spitting variety and make people dead.

The Plastic Flower of Doom Needles will now demonstrate.)))

One of the random crewman notice the flower, gets Kirk's attention, and then gets a chestful of flower needles. In a matter of .3 seconds he's on the ground, dead as a redshirt can be (which is pretty damn dead).

Then we get a brief glimpse of a bad wig sneaking through the bushes.

(((Trump?)))

McCoy announces that the random crewman is dead, and Kirk stands up to take a moment and go all Captain Drama Pants on our asses.

Kirk: "What did somebody say? That paradise must have looked like this?"

(((I'm assuming that you were referencing an author or something, and not a member of the landing party, because nobody has said that so far in this episode...)))

Titles!

(((This hour's writer is Max Ehrlich, and this is the only episode he had a hand in. Even though he only did one, he must have been a K/S supporter. The director of this episode is Joseph Pevney, who directed 14 episodes total, including City on the Edge of Forever, Devil in the Dark, Amok Time, A Taste of Armageddon, Journey to Babel, The Deadly Years, The Trouble With Tribbles, and more.

So even if Ehrlich was clueless about K/S, Pevney couldn't have been, and between him, Roddenberry, and Gene Coon, it could have been easier to deal with a clueless writer as opposed to other cases where there's been a clueless writer AND director, which would make things more difficult.)))

Kirk gets us all caught up with a Captain's Log: Evil flower, dead man.

Kirk is talking to Scotty (who's in charge of the ship) and telling him to get ready to beam up the body. Scotty mentions that they're losing "potency" in the anti-matter pods and they don't really know why but hey a Scottish BAMF is running things so chillax, cap'n.

Scotty: "I hear it's nice down there."

Kirk smiles a little.

Kirk: "Yeah, it's nice."

He picks a pretty flower from a nearby plant and looks at it. Spock starts walking up behind him.

Kirk: "If we're a little more careful, we shouldn't run into any more trouble."

(((Aw, the last time we saw Kirk interested in flowers was in Shore Leave. Granted, the flower reminded him of (shudders from having to say her name) Ruth, but still. He's pretty flower happy in this episode, which gives people even more of a reason to make fun of anyone who tries to say that the depiction of Kirk was anything less than pure machismo.

………………

::cough:: )))

Scotty: "I could do with a nice walk in a garden with green leaves and grass."

Kirk glances at Spock like, 'Wow, not so subtle.'

(((Like you can even BEGIN to throw stones, Mr. Googly Eyes.)))

Kirk: "We'll do the walking, Scotty, you get on the anti-matter pod. If it gets any worse, let me know and we'll beam up. Kirk out."

Kirk takes a second to smell the flower.

Spock: "I find that most unusual, captain."

Kirk: "Scotty will handle it."

(((On paper it looks like Spock is talking about Kirk's flower obsession, but the implication of his tone says that he's talking about Scotty's report.)))

Kirk tosses the flower away.

(((I know, I know, what the hell is with all of this hot Kirk-on-Flower action?

Well, for one thing, it's damn cute and, for another thing, it tells us something about Kirk's character. His softer side includes flowers and nature, which is an interesting aspect to throw in with the bookish intelligence, fearless bravery, quick thinking command, and thirst for adventure. He is quite the enigma.)))

Spock then tells Kirk that there's underground vibrations going out for miles in all directions, and they're artificially created.

Kirk calls for a member of his crew.

Kirk: "Mallory!"

(((Hey hey, must be the cute blonde. I knew she'd be thrown into the ol' playboy's line of sight eventually.)))

A random crewman passes by the blonde and makes his way over to Kirk.

(((…or…not…)))

Kirk orders Mallory to go have a (careful) look-see around the planet with another random crewman. Spock notices something strange on his tricorder, and steps forward.

Spock: "Captain…"

Kirk notices that Spock knows something's up.

Kirk: "What is it?"

(((In Closeness News: Kirk cozies right on up to Spock as a way to keep his back to the crewman until he finds out exactly what the situation is so he doesn't alarm his crew. Sure, he's got a reason to do it, but hey, it's physical contact, and that is cute.)))

Spock: "There's a humanoid hiding directly behind us, moving with remarkable agility, bearing one-eight."

Kirk nods to a crewman to follow his lead and goes off to play hero, because he is one.

We get another brief glimpse of the bushwhacking wig.

Chekov asks Spock what's going on and Spock very calmly, and very much on the down low, tells him. The blonde yeoman overhears and gets a little spooked. Chekov heads over to her.

Blondie Blonde: "All this beauty, and now Mr. Hendorfff dead, somebody watching us…It's frightening."

Chekov: "If you insist on worrying…"

Chekov puts his arms around her.

Chekov: "Worry about me. I've been wanting to get you on a place like this for a long time."

And since she doesn't scream like a banshee and run flailing into the jungle, we can assume that they're in a relationship, which makes that comment non-creepy.

(((Okay whoooaaaa, hold on. I want to clarify something here:

Kirk's last real Dame of the Hour was Edith, ten episodes ago.

Before that, there was another Dame gap, only that one was even longer.

And now CHEKOV gets a Dame in season two before KIRK does.

…………………

………………………………

……………………………………………

IN WHAT FUCKED UP UNIVERSE DOES THAT MAKE SOMEONE A PLAYBOY!??!?!

……………………

Ahem.

Continue.)))

Kirk catches the young lovers fawning over each other.

Kirk: "Chekov, I'm glad to know you find each other fascinating, but we're not here to conduct a field experiment on human biology."

(((WHOA. I've just been bitch slapped by two allusions to Spock in rapid succession. Holy crap.

He stresses "fascinating," and he's clearly using it in a romantic context to mean 'I know you guys are dating and everything.'

After Amok Time, the word "biology" should snap you to attention.

It's interesting that, when Kirk sees two members of his crew being all lovey dovey, he tosses out things that the audience (at the very least) associates with Spock.

It's also funny because Kirk is getting onto his crew for flirting on the job, which is a crime that Kirk is all too familiar with.

The mind…it's daring to reel…)))

Well the wig dude is really fast, so he got away. Kirk calls his crew over and says that they're being watched, but they will continue to head towards the village, and off they go!

We get a quick shot of some rustling bushes. Oh the terror!!

As Kirk and company walk through the jungle, they pass an interesting looking rock that Spock just has to pick up and examine so everyone stops.

(((Well he is the Science Officer.)))

Spock: "Interesting. Extremely low specific gravity, some uraninite, horn blend, coarse…"

He snaps the rock in two.

Spock: "Fragile, good cleavage. An analysis should prove interesting."

Spock tosses half of the rock away, and when it lands, it explodes, knocking everyone off balance and throwing dust and dirt everywhere.

Kirk: "Would you mind being careful where you throw your rocks, Mr. Spock?"

(((Ha, his delivery of that makes me smile every time. Yay humor-after-almost-dying.)))

Spock comments that the rocks could actually be a significant source of power.

Kirk: "The Garden of Eden…with land mines."

(((Swing and a miss, writers. It's okay, though, the previous line's niftiness makes up for it.)))

Spock carefully sets down the other half of the rock and they go on their way.

Cut to more bushes with Restless Leaf Syndrome.

Scotty contacts Kirk and reports that the anti-matter pods are now totally drained, thanks to some kind of beam or transmitter from the surface that seems to be near the village they're headed towards.

Spock notes that the beam draining the ship could be connected to the underground tremors he mentioned earlier, and Kirk ventures that it could be a generator of some kind. He then steps over to McCoy, who is inspecting some of the thorns that killed the random crewman before the title sequence. Speaking of those thorns, another Plastic Flower of Doom Needles is seen, and it's turning towards Kirk and McCoy!

Spock sees what's about to happen, and dives towards Kirk.

Spock: "JIM!!"

He pushes Kirk, who bumps into McCoy, and both of them stumble off just in time…for Spock to get hit by the Doom Needles! OCTOLIEBE!!

(((AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!

Spock saw his cap'n in trouble, had an emotional reaction (hence the 'Jim' and not 'captain') and saved his life! ::rolls around in the warm fuzzies::

Now, it's definitely worth noting that both Kirk and McCoy were in danger (we couldn't tell which one the flower would shoot at), and yet Spock only seemed worried about Kirk. He could have just as easily yelled "Move" or "Look out," but he didn't, he yelled "Jim." The writers wanted us to know that, in this moment, Spock's alarm was for Kirk.

That's not to say that Spock doesn't give a crap about McCoy, mind you, but the emphasis was very blatantly on the cap'n.)))

Kirk sees what's happened.

Kirk: "SPOCK!!"

He tries to run to him, but McCoy holds him back.

(((Son. of. a. WHORE.

In less than thirty seconds, we see Spock freak out over Kirk's safety, and Kirk freak out over Spock's safety, both cases featuring one yelling the other's name. ::dreamy sigh::

And Kirk was just gonna run out there. He doesn't give a shit about the danger, his Vulcan needs him!!!!1!1!!11one!!!!

This is also not the only time McCoy has had to keep Kirk from running to/helping Spock. He did it in Operation Annihilate, he does it The Motion Picture (well, he tries to anyway), and I'm sure that we'll probably see him do it again sometime between here and there. Fascinating.)))

Spock falls to the ground, and everyone runs to him.

Kirk falls to his knees.

Kirk: "Spock!"

(((Oh god, the way he drops down and says Spock's name is just…GUH.)))

McCoy starts looking Spock over. Kirk looks away long enough to see the rest of his crew.

Kirk: "Security alert."

The crew runs off to do their jobs.

(((The way he looks up, the way he says the line…it didn't seem so much as a necessary command as "I can haz privacy? Kthxbai.")))

McCoy prepares a hypospray.

Kirk: "Is he alive?"

McCoy doesn't respond right away as he gives Spock a Hypo full of Don't Die 'Cause Jim Will FREAK.

Spock doesn't move.

McCoy: "I filled him with enough Massiform D to make the whole crew turn handsprings and he's not responding. Gotta get him back to the ship, Jim."

Kirk calls Scotty and tells him to get ready to beam everyone up. He then yells "All hands" to get his crew back and they all wait to be beamed up.

(((As they wait, by the way, McCoy is looking at Kirk with a concerned expression, like he's worried about how Kirk is doing now that Spock's life is in serious danger.

McCoy. He motherfucking KNOWS.)))

(((Also, a random crewman is literally standing over Spock's body. I know it had to be done in order to beam up everyone in one fell swoop, but still. It looks hilarious.)))

They try to beam up, but the transporter is being inhibited so…whups.

Back from commercial.

Kirk: "Captain's Log, supplementary: Our investigation of Gamma Trianguli VI has suddenly turned into a nightmare. We're being watched, followed, Mr. Spock has been injured, and now we find that we are unable to return to the ship."

(((Uh, one of your crewmen also DIED, Kirk. You normally mention that, because that kind of thing affects you, but I guess Spock getting hurt trumps someone else dying.

And "suddenly?" The crewman died, you were being watched, it all seemed to unravel. It wasn't just BOOM nightmare.

Unless, of course, it only became a full out nightmare when Spock was suddenly hurt.)))

Kirk has Scotty look into whether the transporter malfunction is connected with the rest of the craziness going on with the ship. Spock then comes to his senses, rather quickly, and sits up. Everyone gathers around, and Kirk crouches down at his side.

Kirk: "You all right?"

Spock: "Dr. McCoy's potions are acting like all his potions, turning my stomach. Other than that I am quite well."

(((::cat hiss::

Well SOMEBODY woke up on the wrong side of the deadly planet.)))

McCoy: "If your blood were red, instead of green, you wouldn't have an upset stomach."

(((You'd also be dead.

But hey, your stomach wouldn't hurt.)))

Kirk: "Just what do you think you were trying to do?"

Spock: "I surmised you were unaware of that plant, so I-"

Kirk: "Stepped in front and took the thorns yourself."

Spock: "I assure you, captain, I had no intention of doing that. It was merely my own clumsiness which prevented me from moving out of the way."

(((Hmm…is this bullshit? The way he searches for the words "my own clumsiness" makes me think yes, but he really could have just as easily been planning to get out of the way himself as he could have planned to take the hit for Kirk.)))

Kirk: "I see. Well next time just yell. I can step out of the way as quickly as the next man."

(((Translation: Don't you ever put yourself in danger like that again. It makes me worry.)))

Spock: "I shall do so."

Kirk: "…tryin' to get yourself killed…Do you know how much Starfleet has invested in you?"

(((Now THAT'S bullshit. We've seen him pull this kind of crap before (like in Amok Time), where he brings up Starfleet so he doesn't have to say how much HE really cares.

Because if he said "Do you know much I have invested in you?" the censors might get the CrAzY idea that he's in love with his first officer in an adorably passionate way and have hernias.)))

Spock: "One hundred twenty thousand-"

Kirk: "Nevermind."

(((Transation: I still be angry wif yoo fer scarin' me like dat.)))

They all stand up.

Kirk: "But…thanks."

(((Heeheeheeheeheeeeeeeeeeee.)))

Kirk orders a random crewman to go die- I mean 'take his post,' and then The BAMF Trio wanders away from the other crewman.

Kirk: "Not only is something after us, but it's after the ship as well."

Spock: "Captain, to affect this ship at this extreme range would require a highly sophisticated planetary defense system."

Cut to the planet is defending itself.

A crap ton of very menacing looking storm clouds swarm over head, when it had been a perfectly clear day a few seconds ago. Yet another random crewman's life is claimed, this time by a lightning bolt.

(((And apparently, on this planet, lightning bolts make you slowly disappear and leave only a small crater behind.

….or…

Yay 60s.)))

Everyone scrambles off and takes cover until the storm passes, then they all come out and find the sizzling hole where a crewman used to be.

Kirk: "Beautiful day, Mr. Spock."

(((Yay grim sarcasm, bigger yay to only addressing Spock when there's, you know, OTHER PEOPLE there too.)))

Kirk wanders over to some flowers and looks at one.

Kirk: "Not a cloud in the sky…just like paradise."

A random crewman calls in then to say that he's found the village they've been looking for, but before he can give a real report, the communicators start going on the fritz. They're in luck, though, because Spock says that the village is only a short distance from where they are, so they all take off running.

Even the random crewman who discovered the village is running.

Hey look, one of those exploding rocks is on the ground in front of him.

……………

…he's not running anymore.

Kirk and company get to the freshly dead crewman and gather 'round while McCoy confirms the guy's deadness.

(((Jesus, they're dropping all over the place in this episode.)))

Kirk: "Kaplan…Hendorff...I knew Kaplan's family…now Mallory."

McCoy: "Jim, you couldn't have stopped any of this."

Kirk: "His father helped me get into the Academy."

(((Aw, these were never just "crewmembers" to Kirk, but it never occurred to me that he might actually know them. The heartstrings. They are tugged.)))

Kirk wanders away to agonize over the deaths he blames himself for. McCoy looks up at Spock like 'Well? You gonna go console the man you love or what?'

(((Seriously, McCoy really does look up at Spock like he knows Spock is the only one Kirk would listen to right now. How freaking sweet is THAT?)))

Spock joins Kirk.

Spock: "Captain, in each case this was unavoidable."

Kirk: "I could've prevented all of it."

Spock: "I don't see how."

Kirk: "Walk in paradise…among the green grass and the flowers, I should've beamed up at the first sign of trouble."

Spock: "You are under orders to investigate this planet and this culture."

Kirk: "I also have the option to disregard those orders if I consider them overly hazardous. This isn't that important a mission, Spock. Not worth the lives of three of my men. Drop my guard for a minute because I like the smell of growing things and now three men are dead and the ship's in trouble."

(((Well, even if we didn't have prior evidence to go on, now we officially know that Kirk's got a soft spot for "growing things" like flowers, and nature in general.

So just to recap: Chekov's gettin' some from the hot blonde and Kirk likes daisies.

…

Just how in the hell did the general population get such a skewed view of Kirk in the first place? Srsly.)))

Spock: "No one has ever stated that Starfleet duty was particularly safe."

(((Couple things:

Spock doing his best to make Kirk feel better makes me happy inside, even if Spock looks all cool and logical on the outside.

We just saw a random cutaway to McCoy watching the both of them. What was that about McCoy knowing, again?)))

Spock: "You followed the correct and logical course, done everything a commander could do. Self-incriminations-"

Spock stops mid-sentence and slowly looks around, almost like an alarm just went off in his head.

Spock: "Captain…"

(((…my Spocky Senses are tingling…)))

Spock: "…our friend is back."

Spock gives a small nod in the direction the 'friend' must be in, and Kirk calls Chekov and a random crewman over.

Kirk: "Gentlemen, something or someone is behind that rock."

(((SQUEE.)))

Kirk tells the crewman to run off and make a loud noise, then tells Chekov and Spock to create a diversion and make it loud before he slinks off to pull a sneaky sneaky on the hidden friend.

Spock then loudly begins the diversion.

Spock: "Mr. Chekov, your tricorder readings are totally inefficient!"

(((BAHHHHAHAHAHAHA, GOLD.

PURE. GOLD.)))

Chekov: "Uh, mind your own business, sir! For your information, I have a very high efficiency rating!"

Spock: "Ensign, I will not have you address me in that tone of voice!"

Chekov: "What do you want, violins?!"

(((It's official.

Chekov needs to be bottled.)))

Kirk gets the drop on the intruder and is quick to punch him in the face. The intruder then fights back- oh no wait he starts crying.

(((This guy, by the way, has red skin, no shirt, a long white cloth wrapped around his waist, and the most hi-larious big poofy wig of white hair I've ever seen.

Oh, he's also got insanely thick, silvery eye make up on and little gold designs on his cheeks. Still, because the hair is by far the most amazing aspect of this race, I'm sure you won't mind if I refer to them as "Wiggies.")))

Kirk sees that the guy is crying and basically pitiful.

Kirk: "I won't hurt you."

(((…anymore.)))

Kirk: "Do you understand? I won't hurt you."

Wiggie: "You struck me…with your hand."

(((Does anyone else feel like they just tuned in to a Lifetime wife beater drama?)))

Kirk: "Well I won't strike you again. You've been following us, watching us. Why?"

Wiggie: "I am the eyes of Vaal. He must see."

Kirk: "Who is Vaal?"

Wiggie: "Vaal is Vaal, he's…everything."

(((OHHHHHH well that explains absolutely nothing.)))

Kirk: "Do you have a name?"

Wiggie: "I am Akuta. I am the leader of the feeders of Vaal."

The other crewmembers show up then, and Kirk assures Akuta that they won't harm him. Then gets on with the whole 'We come in peace, take us to your leader' bit, but Akuta says that he's the only one who speaks with Vaal because that's just the way Vaal likes it.

Spock: "Captain…this is fascinating."

Spock approaches Akuta and reaches out to seemingly touch his face.

(((Whaaaaaaaaaat? Mr. Sensitive Hands just reached out like that?)))

Akuta reclines at first, then Spock asks permission and leans in to get a look at the weird little antennae things that are sticking out from the sides of Akuta's neck.

(((At no point does Spock actually touch him, he just sort of guides Akuta's head to the right and left, thusly keeping the whole established Vulcan touching thing intact.)))

Akuta says that the antennae let him communicate with Vaal, and he got them from Vaal during the "Dim Time" so he could guide the people. Kirk then asks to be taken to these people, and off they go.

Scotty calls in to Kirk as he puts the ship on alert to tell him that some kind of tractor beam has reached out and grabbed them from the planet, and they don't have much power to sustain the pressure. Scotty asks a random crewman to calculate how long they have before they're pulled into the atmosphere, and sets to work writing on a data pad.

Scotty: "We might be able to pull out with warp drive, but without it we're like a fly on fly paper. Even worse, we're starting to lose ground. Hurry up with that figure, Kyle."

(((Yeah, Kyle, use something really futuristic and far-fetched to help you with those numbers like, I dunno, a CALCULATOR.)))

Kyle finally finishes the math and hands it to Scotty, who announces that they only have sixteen hours until everybody gon' die.

Kirk: "Scotty, you're my chief engineer. You know everything about that ship that there is to know, more than the men who designed it. If you can't get those warp engines working, you're fired."

(((Apparently this is the "humor with a serious undertone" episode.

I dig it.)))

Scotty promises to do everything he can, and they hang up. Kirk walks over to Akuta and is all 'I wanna have a rap session wit yo leada man,' and Akuta is like, 'Pssh, I'll take ya to his crib but he only talks to da numba one brutha, and dat's me, cracka.'

They arrive at Vaal a little later. Vaal is a huge, kind of snake head looking thing with green and yellow (painted) eyes, a horn, and a wide open mouth that reveals a couple of fangs (one on the bottom, one on the top) and red, smoking gullet which we presume is where his food is thrown. It is glorious.

(((Couple things:

Yay 60s.

Vaal's name is now Larry. Everybody say 'Hi, Larry!')))

Spock takes a tricorder reading and says that it's old, powerful, its center is very deep underground, and it's also a- WHOA FORCE FIELD!

Spock is knocked a few feet backward and right on his ass after he accidentally gets too close and an invisible force field protecting Larry gives him the what-for.

(((His surprised expression as he lands is. fucking. priceless.)))

Kirk is kneeling by his side in an instant.

(((Are you surprised? Neither am I.)))

Kirk: "A force field?"

Spock: "Obviously."

Kirk: "You all right?"

Spock: "Yes, quite."

Kirk takes Spock by the arm and helps him stand up.

Cut to a brief shot of Chekov and his girlfriend exchanging smiling glances.

(((Did…did Chekov and the blonde just have a fangirl moment?

The answer:

HOLY SHIT YES THEY GODDAMN DID OMGWTFBBQSLASH!!!!!

The first time I watched this, it happened so fast that I had to play it again, because surely I misunderstood something, or I accidentally left my slash goggles on, or I was whacked out on hallucinatory drugs, but NO.

When Kirk takes Spock's arm, we see Chekov and his girlfriend trade completely blatant, KNOWING, grinning glances. This isn't like in the last episode, where the guard just looks mostly blank, this is WHOA HOLY SHIT IN YOUR FACE BUT ONLY FOR A SPLIT SECOND BECAUSE IF THEY LINGERED ON IT THEN THE CENSORS MIGHT GET A FUCKING CLUE AND GIVE BIRTH TO A HERD OF COWS AND THAT CAN'T HAPPEN BECAUSE THERE ARE ONLY SO MANY COW NAMES AND YOU CAN'T JUST CALL HALF OF THEM BESSIE AND THE OTHER HALF DELILAH 'CAUSE THAT SHIT'S CONFUSING AND SOME OF THEM ARE BOUND TO BE BOYS ANYWAY.

Seriously people, we've seen this moment 2349054904 times in entertainment. When something telling/intimate happens between two characters and another two characters trade that kind of look, it always means the same thing, and you know crap well what thing is. I don't care if it happened really quickly, it still happened in an episode of TOS in regard to Kirk and Spock and you don't get anymore canon than that.)))

Spock gives some details on the force field (including a cute little 'ouch' rub of his butt), then Kirk asks Akuta how he communicates with Vaal, who says that they only chat when Vaal wants to, but hey Vaal might wanna chat them at the next feeding time so while you wait you might as well come see the rest of the Wiggies.

They all arrive at a quaint little village, where a bunch of Wiggies are walking around, and Akuta introduces them. Kirk notices that there aren't any kids, and Akuta says that there are none because they don't need them (he doesn't even know what the specific word 'children' means).

Blondie Blonde: "But when a man and woman fall in love…"

Akuta laughs a little.

Akuta: "Strange words, 'children,' 'love.' What is love?"

Blondie Blonde: "Love is when two people are…"

Chekov walks over and puts his arm around her waist.

Akuta: "Ah yes, the holding, the touching."

(((::cough::Remindyouofanyone?::cough:: )))

Akuta: "Vaal has forbidden this."

McCoy: "Well, there goes paradise."

(((HA, evidently McCoy likey teh sexxorz.)))

Akuta then announces to the village that Kirk and company are to be welcomed as guests. The Wiggies then give them their traditional hand greeting, and a couple of chicks tie big flowery bracelet things around Kirk and Spock's respective wrists.

Wiggie Female: "Our homes are open to you."

Kirk mumbles his reply.

Kirk: "Uh, thank you…"

(((I just like to smell flowers, hon. Wearing them is too feminine, even for me, and that's saying something.)))

He looks at Spock.

Kirk: "It, uh, does something for you."

(((Yay dry humor.

It's also nice to hear to Kirk throw a compliment Spock's way, even if he was being sarcastic about it.)))

Spock: "Indeed it does, captain. It makes me uncomfortable."

(((Aw, the way he says that is so freakin' endearing.)))

Random Wiggie (to Spock): "I'm Sayana. You have a name?"

Spock: "Yes, Spock. I am Spock."

All of the Wiggies start giggling over his name.

(((Awwww, heyyyy! Don't laugh at the Vulcan!! It's a perfectly nice name!! RUDE.)))

Spock: "I fail to see what they find so amusing."

Now everyone bursts into full out laughter.

(((HEY, what did I say about laughing at the Vulcan?! He's been through enough this episode! DON'T MAKE ME HURT YOU.)))

Akuta leads Kirk and company to a hut that they can use to rest and hang out in, and he leaves.

Kirk calls Scotty to get an update on the ship, but shit is still looking like it'll hit the fan.

McCoy reports that he's checked out the natives.

(((Holy crap, McCoy is as fast at physicals as Spock was with Pike's cart in The Menagerie.)))

He then explains that there's no harmful bacteria anywhere in their bodies and there's no way to tell how old they are. They could be 25, they could be 43895083.

Kirk gets Spock opinion, who says that it's possible, since the atmosphere protects them from the suns harmful rays.

Kirk notices some movement going on outside and pokes his head outside to check it out. All of the Wiggies seem to be heading off to feed Larry, and Kirk follows them, only calling for Spock to tag along.

(((I know what you want to say, and only having Spock join him isn't necessarily slashy. Spock is the First Officer and the Science Officer, and it would obviously be better to have as few people as possible to go do the sneaky sneaky.)))

Transition to all of the Wiggies feeding Larry by just tossing food into its mouth, baskets and all.

(((Half of their day must be spent making baskets for this crap. Srsly.)))

Spock confirms that it must be a machine.

Kirk: "The field's down, people are going in. Let's see what kind of luck we have."

They move to go towards the Wiggies, but Larry's eyes instantly get bright and threatening sooooo they sit their cute butts back down.

They have a nice little chat about Larry, and how since he needs sustenance he must get weak around feeding time, and Kirk has Spock tell the ship to monitor how much power the tractor beam has hour to hour (most likely so that they can note whenever it starts to get weaker).

McCoy decides that this would be a good time to join the boys and debate their plan with Spock. McCoy is for destroying Larry because it's a stagnate culture, Spock is for leaving them alone because (in simple terms) no one's getting hurt and both sides are benefitting. Kirk listens as they argue in a civilized manner (for a change).

(((Even though Kirk's got the habit of siding with Spock, it's not too hard to figure out that Kirk will side with McCoy. He's gone to great lengths to push a non-growing culture into a developing one, so we already know where he stands. Both sides have very valid points, though.)))

Kirk basically tells them to table the discussion until the ship isn't on the verge of being obliterated. Scotty calls in to report that they've been monitoring Larry's power output, and the amount it puts out does drain a little as time goes on. They're also still working on getting as much power as possible to make an attempt to break away from the tractor beam.

Scotty: "We're putting everything but the kitchen sink into the impulse power, sir. It'll take us another eight hours to complete the work."

Kirk: "That's cutting it a bit fine, Scotty."

Scotty: "Aye, but if we don't break out…I'd rather we didn't have to wait too long for the end of it."

(((Grim Scotty is grim.)))

Transition to later, where Kirk and company are sitting in their hut and munching on colorful food. Well, everyone's sitting but Blondie Blonde.

(((Kirk's got an apple-like fruit that he's munching on.

…it makes me happy.)))

Blondie Blonde: "Every time I think of the Enterprise burning up and us-"

Kirk: "Yeoman, you're wasting your energy."

Blondie Blonde: "Captain, we're trapped on this-"

Kirk offers his hand.

Kirk: "Sit down and have something to eat."

She takes his hand and he helps her sit.

Blondie Blonde: "The Enterprise has-"

Kirk: "That hasn't happened yet."

(((This is not an even remotely flirty moment, for obvious reasons. I quite like this bit, because it shows Kirk putting on a strong face for his crew when we know that he's just as worried, actually probably more so, about the ship than she is.)))

Kirk has her speculate about what would happen if one of the Wiggies died, and she says that if something were to happen that they'd need a replacement.

(((A bit of a "ye olde duh" statement, but hey, I just like the fact that she was asked for her opinion first in a room full of men on a show in the 60s.)))

Kirk then pokes Spock for an opinion.

(((Not literally, but how cute would that be?)))

Spock: "I see no alternative."

Blondie Blonde: "But these people…I mean, if they don't know anything about…"

The Trio waits expectantly for her to continue.

(((Q: How do you talk about sex on a television show in the 1960s?

A: Fucking vaguely.)))

Blondie Blonde: "What I mean is…they don't seem to have any natural, uh…I mean, how is it done?"

(((Do you ever feel 'not so fresh?'

…I don't know why that line always reminds me of that commercial, but it does.)))

Kirk's face is priceless. McCoy pops both of his eyebrows up for a second. Kirk looks away to think of answer, then he quickly looks over at Spock like a thought has just occurred to him.

Spock, who has been looking down, looks up at Kirk with a dry expression.

Kirk: "Mr. Spock? You're the Science Officer, why don't you explain it to the young lady."

(((Hmmm, now what would make KIRK get the IDEA to have SPOCK explain SEX?

Could SOMETHING have maybe HAPPENED a few EPISODES ago that LINKED the two?)))

Spock looks at the yeoman. McCoy waits. Kirk waits.

(((Kirk, you sneaky bastard, putting Spock on the spot about sex like that. It also takes the question off your shoulders, but you could have just as easily passed it to McCoy. Sure, getting a logical being to talk about sex is more fun than a regular ol' human, but after Amok Time it's turned into a bit of a new ball game, eh?)))

Spock: "Well, I believe it's safe…"

He clears his throat.

(((Can Spock catch the TINIEST bit of a break in this episode? Jeezy creezy.

Although…Awkward Spock is particularly adorable…)))

Spock: "…safe to assume that they would receive the necessary…instructions."

(((HA. Leave it to Spock.)))

McCoy: "From a machine? That I'd like to see."

(((Voyeur much, McCoy? =P )))

Kirk grins a bit and goes to take a bite out of his apple.

(((Subtext: Heh, that little game went pretty well, if I do say so myself.)))

Cut to Larry and Akuta chatting (only we don't know what Larry is saying), and Akuta walks off.

Cut to Blondie Blonde and Chekov having a nice smooshy romance scene, complete with kissing. A teenage guy and girl Wiggie are spying nearby, and they find that type of interaction interesting.

Wiggie Guy: "I do not understand."

Wiggie Girl: "They were not angry. I think it was pleasant for them."

Wiggie Guy: "But what is to be gained? It is not a dance,"

(((Not a vertical one, anyway.

……………

...well actually…)))

Wiggie Guy: "It gathers no food,"

(((And yet there can be a lot of eating…)))

Wiggie Guy: "It does not serve Vaal."

(((Unless it's a voyeur like McCoy…)))

Wiggie Guy: "But it seemed as though it was pleasant to them."

The guy turns to the girl, and he starts reaching forward…

(((He's gonna cop a feel ALREADY?!?!)))

…and touches her shoulder.

(((Oh.)))

They take a whack at the whole kissing thing. Larry makes the sky rumble 'cause he no likey the kissy kissy, and then Akuta pops up out of nowhere.

(((Is everyone a voyeur in this episode?! My GOD.)))

(((Obviously, being a show in the 60s, it just so happened to be a male and a female that see some kissing and decide to try it out, but I look forward to the day where, in regular tv programming, a situation like this can come up and it can be two men or two women who wind up in this situation and it won't be a "political statement," it'll just be a part of the story.)))

Akuta gets a message from Larry, and then tells the guy to tell the men to meet up with him later.

Cut to later, where Akuta gives them a lovely lesson in murder, where he uses a melon and a big heavy stick to demonstrate.

(((Not creepy at all. o.O )))

Back from commercial, where we see Kirk and Spock sitting in the hut while everyone else is asleep.

(((I wonder what they were talking about before we dropped in.)))

Spock voices his concern for interfering with the Wiggies, but Kirk sides with McCoy.

Spock: "If we do what it seems we must, in my opinion, we'll be in direct violation of the Non-Interference Directive."

(((Uh…whups?)))

Kirk: "These are people, not robots."

Spock looks down.

(((Ouch…I think Kirk inadvertently hit a nerve.)))

Kirk: "They should have the opportunity of choice. We owe it to them to interfere."

(((Message what? Substance what?)))

Spock: "Starfleet Command may think otherwise."

Kirk: "I'll take my chances."

(((Well considering that they also need to do something about Larry to get the hell off the planet and save the ship, it's no wonder Kirk is willing to take the chance. If it was just the Wiggies at stake, we can't be sure if he would be quite so willing to risk his captaincy. I'm not saying that he wouldn't, just that the decision would be so cut and dry.)))

Kirk tells Spock to have a look outside and make sure that all is well while he calls Scotty to see how things are coming. The ship is about thirty minutes away from being ready to make its big pull away attempt, and also about forty-five minutes away from burning up in the atmosphere.

Spock comes in and announces that the Wiggies have kind of vanished for no reason, and everyone heads outside.

Transition to Kirk and Spock as close to Larry as they can get without running into the force field.

Kirk: "Vaal, we are on a peaceful mission. We mean no harm to you or your people."

Vicious looking storm clouds form overhead.

(((Translation: DO. NOT. WANT.)))

Lighting starts striking everywhere, and Kirk decides that now would be a good time for them to flee in a manly fashion.

Just as they're about to, however, Spock is struck by lightning!!!

(((Shot by a poisonous flower, knocked on his ass by a force field, and now he's hit by LIGHTNING?!?!

WHAT KIND OF SICK SADIST WROTE THIS EPISODE???!?!?!?!)))

Kirk sees it happen, and runs to him.

(((And all three times, Kirk is the point of concerned focus.

WHAT KIND OF HOPELESS ROMANTIC WROTE THIS EPISODE?!?!?!?!?!)))

Kirk picks up Spock, throws him over his shoulder, and high tails it out of there.

(((In Physical Contact News: Hawt. Dayum.)))

Cut to Kirk getting back to the village. He calls for McCoy, and they both sit Spock down on the ground. As McCoy checks out the wound, Kirk puts a hand on Spock's shoulder.

(((Heeheehee.)))

McCoy: "Second degree burns."

(((From a LIGHTNING BOLT that turned a crewman into a CRATER?!?!)))

McCoy: "Not serious, but I bet they smart."

Spock: "Doctor, you have an unsurpassed talent for understatement."

(((So if the wound was just minor, why the hell did they bother hurting him in the first place?

And hey, couldn't the tricorder have picked up the force field, instead of Spock running into it?

And hadn't it already been established that the Plastic Flowers of Doom Needles were deadly before Spock was threatened?

…so why the hell was Spock put through so much pain?

…and why the hell was Kirk's concern always the focus?

…………………

Well shit, I have no idea.)))

WIGGIE ATTACK!!!

Another random crewman gets taken down, and soon there's an all out Wiggie vs. Starfleet brawl and, hey, Blondie Blonde gets to throw and kick a couple of guys!

(((Woo!!! Yay women!!!)))

Once it's all said and done, Kirk has all of the Wiggies put in the hut and guarded. Spock then comments how the Wiggies seem to be on their way to humanity after all, what with the killing and everything.

Transition to a little later. Scotty is ready to try and pull the ship away, with Kirk listening in on a communicator. They try, but the tractor beam says "Uh…no?" And they don't get far before damn near everything on the ship breaks down.

Scotty: "Captain, we pulled away a little. We gained maybe an hour but we blew almost every system on the ship doing it. There's nothing left to try again. I guess you'll have to fire me, sir."

(((Whoever is inventing the thing that lets you hug a character through the screen is TAKING TOO DAMN LONG.)))

Kirk: "You're fired."

(((Aw, he's clearly not serious. If anything, he's absolutely stunned and taken aback that this is happening.)))

Kirk hangs up, visibly worried and shaken. McCoy approaches him, he knows what this means to Kirk and how he's gonna blame himself.

Kirk: "Four hundred people…"

McCoy: "Jim."

Kirk: "They'll die because I couldn't see the warning signs. I had to follow orders, always orders."

Kirk starts wringing his hands, to an extent.

(((You know, Kirk has quite a few moments with his hands like this, even though we all focus on Spock's hands most of the time. Hm.)))

McCoy just looks around. He has no idea what to say.

(((Now here's an interesting bit of contrast. Earlier, when Kirk was blaming himself for the deaths of three crewmen, Spock dove right in and knew just how to argue with Kirk (he may have even won eventually, but they were interrupted) and yet here, McCoy doesn't even know what to say. We know that McCoy has literally looked to Spock to handle this kind of situation, which is really. freaking. fascinating.

Kirk and McCoy are best buds, they have an open flow of communication, we've seen it in previous episodes, and yet we're given a clear example of a place in Kirk that apparently only Spock can reach, and McCoy is aware of that.

Dear god, it's so perfect I could jump off a cliff.

But first, I have to go chase down my mind. The damn thing has recovered from Amok Time and has more energy than ever now. Oy.)))

Larry calls the Wiggies to feed it, but the crew keeps them in the hut. Kirk gets an idea, and tells McCoy 'No fud 4 teh Larry, k?' Then he and Spock run off to save the day.

Kirk and Spock arrive at Larry once again. Kirk calls Scotty and tells him to get ready to fire phasers at the thing. Kirk and Spock basically discuss what we already know, and then…

Kirk: "The ship's pulling away must have weakened it considerably. It has to be fed, but its reserve capacity could hold out for days."

Spock: "If it had to reinforce its energy field to put off a phaser attack, it would have to draw more heavily on its reserves."

(((Check out the look on Kirk's face as Spock is talking. That little happy grin of admiration is just GUH. And why is he grinning?)))

Kirk: "My plan exactly."

(((Because, once again, they're thinking the exact same thing, which evidently makes Kirk want to smile fondly, even in a dire situation.

…

Yeah, they passed the legal limit of cuteness a looooooooooooong time ago.)))

Kirk gives Scotty the order to fire on Larry. Kirk and Spock then take cover.

(((Their cover, by the way, is a couple of trees with trunks no bigger than that of palm trees…just before a spaceship fires phasers at a huge power source.

Epic cover fail, ftw.)))

The Enterprise fires, Larry dies. Huzzah!!

Kirk calls Scotty.

Kirk: "Mr. Scott, status report."

Scotty: "Tractor beam gone, potency returning to anti-matter pods. I'll have all engineering sections working on the circuits immediately. Transporter'll be ready in an hour."

Kirk: "Scotty, you're re-hired!"

(((YAY!!)))

Kirk: "As soon as the transporter's fixed, form an engineering detail with full analytical equipment and beam them down. Kirk out. Chekov, Bones, let those people go."

Kirk and Spock look at each other.

(((Heh.)))

Transition to later, where Kirk and company are standing in front of Dead Larry with the Wiggies before them.

Akuta wonders what the crap they're supposed to do now.

Kirk: "You'll learn to care for yourselves, with our help, and there's no trick to putting fruit on trees. You might even enjoy it. You'll learn to build for yourselves, think for yourselves, work for yourselves, and what you create is yours. That's what we call freedom. You'll like it a lot. And you'll learn something about men and women, the way they're supposed to be. Caring for each other, being happy with each other, being good to each other, that's what we call 'love.' You'll like that too. A lot…"

(((Of course they had to say 'men and women,' it was the 60s.

Oy 60s.)))

(((This speech uses generalizations when describing love, but we still have yet to come across an instance where the description of romantic love excludes the happenings between Kirk and Spock.)))

Kirk: "…you and your children."

The Wiggie girl who tried kissing earlier (who is being held by the Wiggie guy who did the kissing), speaks up.

Wiggie Girl: "What are children?"

(((::tugs on Kirk's leg::

Uncle Sexy Pants, where do babies come from?)))

Kirk: "Uh…little ones? Look like you? They…oh just go on the way you're going, you'll find out."

(((Does it make anyone else squee when Kirk puts his hand out like that and says 'little ones?' He did it once before too, and it's just…teehee.)))

The Wiggies find him funny.

Cut to later, on the Enterprise. Kirk is climbing up the ladder to a floor of the ship, and overhears Spock and McCoy arguing.

McCoy: "I don't agree with you at all, Mr. Spock."

Spock: "That's not unusual, doctor.

McCoy: "Jim, I want you to hear this."

Spock: "Captain, I'm not at all certain we did the correct thing on Gamma Trianguli VI."

McCoy: "We put those people back on a normal course of social evolution. I see nothing wrong in that."

Kirk: "Well that's a good object lesson, Mr. Spock, a good example of what can happen when a machine becomes too efficient, does too much work for you."

(((Message what? Substance what?)))

Spock: "Captain, you are aware of the biblical story of Genesis?"

Kirk: "Yes, of course I'm aware that Adam and Eve tasted the apple and, as a result, were driven out of paradise."

Spock: "Precisely, captain, and, in a manner of speaking, we have given the people of Vaal the apple, the knowledge of good and evil, if you will, as a result of which they too have been driven out of paradise."

(((What's this, atheist Spock using a biblical story to make his point?

Well why not, it's a damn good point. Even if he doesn't believe in it, it brings up some key issues that are relevant to his argument. Roddenberry was an atheist too (golly, what a coincidence), but that obviously didn't stop him from doing this episode and bringing up the moral arguments of paradise versus knowledge.

And hey, Kirk was seen eating an apple in this episode, and a couple of other times (including the movies). Could this be taken as a symbol that Kirk chooses knowledge and strife over paradise and ease? It's very, very likely.

This episode actually brings up quite a few debatable subjects that could be discussed at length, despite all of the Yay 60s moments.

Go Star Trek.)))

Kirk: "Doctor, do I understand him correctly? Are you casting me in the role of Satan?"

Spock: "Not at all, captain, I am merely-"

Kirk: "Is there anyone at all on this ship-"

Kirk and McCoy circle Spock.

Kirk: "-who even remotely looks like Satan?"

Kirk and McCoy stare at Spock, who crosses his arms.

(((Hm, I've noticed that Spock seems to cross his arms whenever he's uncomfortable or closed off. I'd say it's something to keep an eye on.)))

Spock: "I am not aware of anyone who fits that description."

Kirk: "No, Mr. Spock, I didn't think you would."

Kirk walks off, fighting back a smile, and McCoy leaves with a grin as well.

(((BAHAHA, so by this point the show's history, fans and others had commented on how Spock looks a bit satanic, and I freaking love that they decided to mention it in an episode, and in such a cute way.

And, once again, Kirk can't help but tease Spock. What a bastard. XD )))


Score!!

Episode Specific:

Times I Laughed At the Wiggie's Wigs – 4324

Times Spock yelled Kirk's name out of sheer panic – 1

Times Kirk yelled Spock's name out of sheer panic – 1

General:

Random Crewman Body Count – 21

Times Spock is Injured – 7