This feels a little darker than CoC usually is - but I think it fits the episode. Beta'd by the very busy ebineez01. Thanks a lot!
~o0o~
"Why did you do this."
It wasn't a question, it was an accusation. And she didn't raise her voice. Which didn't mean she wasn't pissed. Actually he would have preferred her to yell. That would have been easier to take than this – cold rage, disgust, disappointment.
"Answer me."
He couldn't bring himself to look at her. Eyes trained at a spot behind her shoulder he said:
"You know why."
"No, I don't! Did you really just do it because you lost your patience, or was there a bigger picture!"
Again – not a question, but a demand to know. Since when had she started to talk to him like that anyway?
"Friends!" She huffed out a bitter laugh. "That's how you treat your friends?"
When she realized she would't get an answer she stared at him for a moment, and then she spit in his face. It burned his skin like acid.
"We'll I'd rather not consider myself your friend then."
If he could only tell her.
Jack woke up in cold sweat. It took him longer than usual to get his mind cleared of the dream he just had. Or rather the nightmare. He softly touched his cheek and remembered the look in his 2IC's eyes, and it made him shiver. If Carter ever looked at him like that he was afraid he wouldn't survive it. Anger he could handle. But losing his teammate's respect and her trust was a horrible thought. And yet duty came first. He knew what he had to do. And he knew that it could easily lead to exactly that.
~o0o~
Dear George.
When you read this, I was KIA during operation "Shades of Grey". I need to ask you a personal favor: Please tell my team that whatever I said and did during this was part of the operation. And please try to reach retired Colonel Evelyn Myers. I know you can't tell her anything, but please explain to her as best you can under the circumstances.
It was an honor serving with you, Sir.
Jack O'Neill
Jack read the letter one last time before putting it away with his personal things. No one would ever get to read it if things went according to plan. If not he just couldn't bear the thought of his team remembering him with anger, hurt or disdain.
~o0o~
He had to talk to Evelyn. But he couldn't. Now even less than all those other times. He called her anyway. He wasn't sure if he hoped for her to pick up the phone or not. When she did all he said was:
"It's me."
It was enough.
"Crap, Jack, what's going on?"
"I can't tell you. I can't believe I actually called you to tell you I can't tell you."
She let out a breath.
"I can't tell you how frustrating this is. I fell like punching a wall every time you give me that line, Jack."
There was a brief silence. Then he said:
"I know. I'm sorry", and hung up, his eyes closed and his jaw set.
He was alone.
~o0o~
When there was a knock on his door he briefly wondered what had taken them so long. He was absolutely sure they'd send Carter, so when Daniel entered he was equal part relieved and terrified. Not Danny. Foster kid, widower, civilian. Friend. Why hadn't they sent Carter, for crying out loud. She might have understood, even if he couldn't tell her, that it was about following orders. Or T – they could have pretended there were no emotions involved. But Danny of all people? Holy crap. He could tell the linguist refused to believe what the man he considered his closest friend was telling him. And Jack could tell the exact moment when Daniel finally believed him. The moment he bought that Jack O'Neill wasn't his friend and never had been. After all the things Jack had seen and done over the course of his career this felt like the most cruel thing he had ever done.
~o0o~
He called Evelyn again after the damn thing was through although he still couldn't tell her anything. He just needed someone to talk to after he'd successfully blown off his teammates. He thought he'd never forget the look on Danny's face nor the shock in Carter's eyes. He'd damaged his team in the line of duty, and it sucked.
Her could hear Evelyn draw a breath.
"I'm sorry about what I said last time, Jack. I know it's not your fault. You can tell me how you feel, right?"
"How I feel? Well like the biggest asshole in the history of assholes, that's how I feel."
"What did you do?"
He could hear her close her eyes and brace herself.
"I followed orders. It cost me my team."
"You're scaring me. Are they - ?"
"They're OK. They just might not consider themselves my team anymore. I lost their trust, Evelyn. You know what that means for a team leader."
She did. But she couldn't imagine what he might have done to make things that bad.
"Are they mad at you?"
"Mad, disappointed, hurt, I don't know."
"For following orders?"
"For not telling them."
She didn't know what to say to that so she went into soldier mode.
"Did you achieve the mission goal?"
"Yes. I just don't know if it was worth the price I'm paying."
We drew straws. I lost.