………………………………………………………………………………………………

Chapter Thirty-Six:

Until you make peace with who you are, you'll never be content with what you have. - Doris Mortman

………………………………………………………………………………………………

8:20

Weird, Gaara hasn't come in yet. I'd've thought he'd be here early. He said he'd be back early when he left… I've been avoiding the crazy doctors coming to visit by pretending to sleep. They want to ask more really annoying questions, and if they stick another needle in my arm, I swear heads'll go flying. I don't care if they want to question me, they'll just get annoyed they I won't tell them I was raped and abused, too. Why does everyone want to hear I was raped and abused for god's sake!?

………………………………………………………………………………………………

9:01

Shitty. Shit. Shit shit.

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

9:03

Okay, so, like an innocent person I wander off to go and demand Gaara comes in early. I run into Kankuro, who then tells me the good news.

Gaara caught them.

Well, Gaara didn't. But some people from the Guard did.

What idiots! How the hell could they let themselves be fucking caught!? Argh! They don't think they'll die. They probably just think they can buy themselves out. Noo, even if they offered millions, Gaara wouldn't miss the chance off seeing them cold and dead.

Shit.

"Sora, why are you so pale?" Kankuro asked when he had told me.

"He'll kill them," I'd answered simply.

"…Yes…," he answered slowly and then his eyes widened. "Fuck. You're an idiot Sora, just let them die. Seriously, do not get into this one."

"I can't, Kankuro! I can't."

"Why do you have to always become attached to the dangerous ones!?"

"Do you know who they are?"

"The people who kidnapped you?"

I was a little frantic, I shook my head and swallowed hard. "No, no, who they are."

"No…"

"Remember Uchiha Itachi?"

Kankuro sat down hard on the couch. "Fuck."

"Exactly."

"I saw Gaara, Sora, he's madder then he's been in a very long time. There is no way you'll convince him the death penalty is a little harsh."

I felt angry, frustrated desperate tears pricking at my eyes, and I sat down next to Kankuro. "What the hell do I do?"

"You forget them."

"But I can't!"

"There is no reasoning with Gaara when he's like this."

"You think I don't know that?" I snapped back at him.

I felt like screaming, but knowing I would probably be sedated, I didn't. I scowled at the ground for a long, long time, and then return to my room, without any more words to Kankuro. I needed to think.

Okay. So here the situation. Gaara is going to kill several people who held me captive for about two weeks. These people gave me a really annoying scar, didn't let me shower, and coaxed me into infidelity.

And yet, I still want to save them from certain doom. What to do… I have no idea. They have to be here, I guess, since it's probably only been about an hour or so since they were caught. They'd be executed over at the main prison, which is about two hours away.

So, they basically have about a week to live. If they trial them here, then they're found guilty, then they'll be transported to the super-duper high-security crazy prison of hell. And then in that super-duper high-security crazy prison of hell they'll be giving some kind of lethal injection, to my knowledge.

Also, there is a very slim but very dangerous chance that Itachi might want to piss Gaara off in his final hours/minutes and tell him things that I'd rather he didn't know. So all in all, it's generally better that they all get let go.

Shit.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

About midnight, I think.

When Gaara came in, I could tell Kankuro was right. There would be absolutely no reasoning with him today. Or tomorrow. Or possibly ever. But if I did this right, hopefully there wouldn't be a need to reason. I'd already decided that I'd have to act if I couldn't convince Gaara out of his murderous mood.

My head snapped up from reading the home lifestyle magazine the cleaners keep leaving in here, I think they are trying to persuade me into acceptable lady interests.

I smiled brightly, even if I was worried about Gaara executing several people I would now slightly call my friends, it was a natural reflex. "Afternoon, Gov'ner."

His eyes were over-bright, and his smile just a bit terrifying. "We caught them… We caught those bastards. They'll die. I promise you that, Sorano."

I frowned, trying hard to stop from screaming 'DON'T DO IT, FAR OUT FOR GODS SAKE JUST LET THEM GO!'. "They weren't mean to me, or anything terrible."

"I don't care. They took you from me," he said, and stepped closer so he could hold me face in between his hands. "And nobody can do that."

I leant up to eliminate the space between us and kiss him gently. "Think about this, though. Won't Akatsuki pay to get some of their best agents back? Suna really needs the funds, you've said it yourself." I knew Kankuro was right, reasoning wouldn't work, but, I wasn't going to not try.

He shook his head. "Every time, Sora, every time, these fuckers are caught," in everything he said, there was this underlying touch of very frantic yet calm insanity. "Their asshole of a leader buys them out of jail. They aren't worried at all about dying, but they don't know I won't take the money. I want to see the look on their face when they really realize they're going to die."

Shitshitshit. Okay, so this didn't really come as a huge shock to me, seeing as Gaara has said more insane things… I think. Anyway, also I kind of expected it. But it was still annoying to find there wasn't an easy way to break some of the worlds most wanted criminals out of jail.

He continued. "Infact…," he paused, to look me in the eyes excitedly. "Tomorrow. They'll go to the high-security prison tomorrow. There they can die."

"What!?" Now this was a shock. I'd expected at least five days beforehand. "What!? What about a trial!?" thank god Gaara was too immersed in his death plans to notice my panic.

"I'm the Kazekage," he paused. "I can override the trial and pronounce them guilty." The crazed touch of excitement behind every word that condemned them to death made me want to shiver.

"What kind of crazy country let's there leader do that!?" It was out of my mouth before I'd really thought about it.

Gaara laughed in a nuts kinda way. "Suna is a messed place. I've told you that."

This made my head spin. This ruined everything. I had tonight, and tonight only to somehow formulate a plan. Shittyshitshit. Fuckityfuck. My language has gotten about a billion times worse thanks to time spent with Kankuro.

I spent the rest of the night trying to calm myself down and look normal. But I figured, even if I didn't want these stupid murderers to die, I'd be a little crazy anyway. The idea of people dying really didn't go well with me.

I guess he noticed my appalled state of mind anyway, because he suddenly was more serious when he told me "They have to die, Sorano. For me, they have to die. For all the other people they fucked with, they have to die."

The term 'fucked with' made me wince. Sure, Gaara did have a right to kill them... he really just didn't know why at the moment, and never would. And I'm sure even with a normal, fair trial they'd be found guilty. But only with my testament. Which I'd have to give. But I would give it very badly, and stutter a bit, which not even Gaara could say's not natural for me to do under lots of pressure. But I wouldn't have to say anything, if Gaara just signed a few things and off they'd go. The stress was making me nuts, all the hair on my arms was standing on end and I was grinding me teeth in impatient worry. It wasn't… sadness, it was crazy. Literally, I felt like I could have torn my own hair out of Gaara wouldn't have been alerted pretty quickly that I was going nuts.

I had so much energy, it seemed to hurt, my upper-legs and finger joints and the back of my arms seemed to tingle with anticipated of something terrible. It was the exact opposite of being frozen in fear, I couldn't sit still in fear. My breathing and heart rate must have been through the roof.

I sat down, and nodded to myself. I felt like crying. I could not do this, how could I? All I could do was crawl around in vents and make friends with weird people. I must have looked like I was about to start crying, too, because Gaara sat down next to me.

"You didn't tell me it was Itachi Uchiha." He said after a while, I think he guessed who I was semi thinking about. He knew I wouldn't have liked the idea of a former school-colleague type person dying.

I went quiet. I hadn't sort-of on purpose. I was just avoiding any mention of him in general. "Sasuke's brother," I said softly.

"Did he recognize you?"

"Yes," I answered truthfully. "He did… but the others didn't know."

Gaara nodded. "You talked with him?"

I nodded back. "Gaara…," I was about to tell him, not about what I can never speak of ever again, but about Itachi being forced into killing his family. About saving Sasuke. But the words ran dry, I couldn't say it. Itachi wouldn't have wanted anybody to really know.

"Sorano?" Gaara's voice brought me back to reality.

"…He's not such a bad person, is all," I murmured. Gaara just shook his head, and I sighed, and leant against him, wrapping my arms around his waist. Itachi. How was I going to face him again? He'd let me go, so he'd never have to see my face again, and I his. I didn't want to tip anything over the edge, I didn't want to even risk seeing them again.

But I had too. What if I wanted to stay with them? What if my feet carried me in their direction, and I followed them? I love Gaara, but I hate being cooped up in this silly small- well, huge, building. I hate being expected to wear stupid clothing, I hate having ask permission (even though I never do) to do simple things that I should just be allowed to do. I love Gaara so much I'm willing to live in this stupid boring hellhole, but… what if the situation arises that I'm offered something a lot better then I have… I could just go now, and come back in a few years.

Sure, Gaara probably wouldn't want to talk to me then. Understandably.

'But is it all you want?' Tsnuade's words rung in my mind. And I knew the answer. No, it wasn't all I wanted. I wanted much, much more. And I knew I'd get it one day, when Gaara gave up being the Kazekage. But how long will that be? Either until he wants to leave, or until he gets assassinated. And I'd really quite rather the former.

I suddenly knew, that if they offered even any small sign of an invitation, I'd be screwed. I didn't know if I could refuse. I'm impulsive and stupid and there is a really, really slim chance they might just either want to kidnap me again, or Itachi'll do something really silly. And either way, I don't know if I'd put up much of a fight.

My thoughts were jumbled for the rest of the night. Gaara went on being scarily excited about executing various people, and eventually, at about midnight, I snapped. I needed something to remind me why I was staying here, Gaara rested with his eyes closed, and arms wrapped around my waist. I turned and his eyes opened, I'd known he was awake anyway.

"Gaara," I breathed softly.

"Mm?"

"Tell me you love me," I murmured. There was something in my eyes, in the slightly desperate hold I had of his hands, of way my voice was a touch shakey. He knew something in what he would say next would affect me, or both of us in some way.

"Sora," he paused, and then surveyed me again. "I…," more pauses. This wasn't really helping my case, I lean down a bit and kiss his shoulder, waiting. I closed my eyes.

The silence was stifling, fear grasped me, this might just make it worse if he couldn't just say it. I'd risked quite a lot on this. More silence. It was insufferable, and then he ran out of waiting-silence, it became tight silence, it closed around me and made the stress and worry worse, I bit down on my lip to stop me from saying something stupid.

Then suddenly he seemed to be sure of something. "I love you." He whispered.

The silence seemed to melt away, the choking silence that seemed to drain the air of oxygen retreated to wait for another moment to pounce. I smiled so brightly at him I think I could have blinded the sun, if it was out. I kissed him for a while, but then eventually pretended to get sleepy. Well, I really did get sleepy. But I needed him to fall asleep. Which would take a long time, knowing Gaara.

So I sat there and pinched myself and lay on my arm so I was too uncomfortable to fall asleep. It felt like years until I hear Gaara's breathing relax and become more regular. I stiffen slightly, and roll over, so his arms aren't around me. I lay there for quite some time, until I'm sure he's in a deep enough sleep for me to slip away. I roll off the edge of the bed and land as quietly as I can.

For a fleeting, terrifying moment, the full realization of the fact I was about to break four very wanted criminals out of the dungeons or wherever and had absolutely no idea how hit me. I felt like just crawling back into bed, and telling myself they were gonna die someday anyway. I could just slip back into Gaara's arms and say I needed to use the bathroom, and sleep in bliss because Gaara loves me. But maybe, if he hadn't said that, I wouldn't have gone. But because he did, I was brave. And I couldn't let them die. I should have gone back to bed and slept peacefully.

But I didn't.

Instead, I wrote this. And I am running out of time, I have a small plan. So here it goes. If you don't hear from me ever again, it means I got caught and got the electric chair with them.

Damnit.

p.s. Gaara, if you find this, I love you. It's just these people are my friends. Sort of. I'd just feel bad if they all died, is all.

……………………………………………………………………………………………

Hellohellohello! HOW WAS EVERYBODY'S CHRISTMAS? Christmas, to me, is just made up of very very narrowly avoided (or sometimes not) disasters. Anyway, I'm sure we all had more then our fair share of narrowly avoided disasters, yes? Having family in practically one room is always risky.

Thankyou LOTS for reading! I LOVE YOU GUYS VERY VERY VERY VERY MUCH! :D

Love, to-love-is-to-lie.