THANK YOU: hpdreamer500, iamagriffin, Kmonae, StaceyGibbly, Puzzsta, Sarahrules336, SecretlyAGryffindor, -the smell of autumn-, mica259, raneonthewyndoepain, ivyflightislistening, Super Cara, WhiteCamellia, pinkpearl89, AGRIMLIKEDOG, mayzie, Rider Arya Svit-kona, whatcanidomolly, and Marteczka's Quill for the GREAT reviews! You guys are the best, and you totally rose to the occasion of helping me overcome my writer's block! I tried literally everything you said and each thing inspired me a little more, so I think I'm totally over it! Yay! So this one's for all of you!
IMPORTANT: Just a reminder, Vanessa is the only one who knows all of the boys are Animagi. Lily and Alice know nothing and Stella only knows about Sirius.
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or the poem We Wear the Mask.
Let your heart tell you what to do, but let your brain tell you how to do it. – pinkpearl89 (:
Chapter Thirty-Seven: We Wear the Mask
Stella was seated in the kitchen across from a very old man with a long white beard and blue eyes that twinkled behind half-moon glasses. They sipped tea made by the house elves as the man surveyed her with a curious look. It was only when she began to shift uncomfortably that he spoke.
"As I told you, I am Professor Dumbledore, the Headmaster of the Wizarding academy for young witches and wizards, known as Hogwarts."
Stella only nodded, growing uneasy under his intense stare. She chose to look into her mug, rather than at Dumbledore, and watch the tea swirl gently in her cup.
"I imagine you are also aware that after recent events, you are no longer safe," he continued, as if he had not noticed her preoccupation. The tall blonde only bit her lip and nodded again, not wanting to think of what would happen to her once Lily, Sirius, and the others went back to school. "So I am here to offer you a place at Hogwarts."
Stella's head snapped up at this, a disbelieving look on her face. "What?"
"Obviously, you could not study magic, but I assume you will be safer in a place where you have friends who could protect you. Of course, should you choose to stay in the Muggle world, I shall have one of the Ministry's best Aurors assigned to you. It is your decision."
She did not want to show him how much she wanted to go with her new friends, in spite of the danger that she knew awaited her should she choose to go to Hogwarts – Bellatrix being only one example – but even though she kept her face blank, Stella had a strange feeling than he could see straight through her.
Dumbledore smiled knowingly and pulled a out a small phial that contained an amber liquid that she did not recognize.
"As I am sure Miss Evans has informed you, it is impossible for Muggles to enter the Hogwarts grounds, or to see the castle. This potion shall bypass the enchantments, should you choose to take it. It is up to you, Miss Redwood, you have until term begins to decide."
He stood and Stella jumped up as well, placing the potion carefully in her pocket. "Thank you, sir, I mean, I don't even know what to say, you're too kind."
"Am I please you think so, Miss Redwood," he said kindly, blue eyes sparkling. "I look forward to seeing you at Hogwarts."
Before she could say a word, he had vanished with a faint pop, leaving Stella with much to think about, yet so little to decide.
- - - - - - -
"Wow, I can't say I've ever done anything worth getting a house call from the Headmaster," Sirius joked, grinning widely at her.
Stella rolled her eyes, but smiled in spite of herself. The two of them were walking through the thick snow that covered the grounds of Potter Manor, bundled up in coats, and watching the horses stamp their feet and trot around the pond.
"He wants me to come to Hogwarts," she told him, her breath clouding in front of her as she refused to look him in the eye.
"Really?" he asked, sounding as though he was trying to hide a bit of excitement. "What'd you say?"
"Basically I inferred that I would think about it."
"What's to think about?" he went on, leaning against the fence that blocked in the horses.
"Well," Stella began, patting the nose of a chestnut stallion that had approached them. "Things like what about Bellatrix, and the fact that I'm obviously not going to fit in anywhere, that at a place like that I would just be useless."
"That's not true," Sirius reasoned immediately. "I bet you'd be loads of help with Muggle Studies."
Stella had to laugh, finally turning to look at him. His nose was pink and snow was melting in his hair, leaving it slightly matted and messy. "Yeah, what would they do? Dissect me?"
He pulled a face, hiding a grin. "If that's really what you think would give us the best insight into how you lot work, then I suppose we could try that."
They just looked at each other for a moment before bursting into light peals of laughter that echoed off the nearby trees.
"But seriously," he added, brushing his damp bangs from his eyes. "Will you come?"
Stella fiddled absently with the bottle in her pocket, watching the horses huddle together for warmth and almost longing to be as carefree as they were. "Honestly, I would like to, but I just don't know that it's a good idea. I mean, if Bellatrix and the others hold a grudge and come after me, I would just be putting you guys into more danger."
Sirius actually let out one of his bark-like laughs and grinned at her. "We already risked our butts by deciding to find a way to come rescue you. It wasn't the way we had planned on getting inside, but it worked. Anyway, after that, we'd take on dear Bella for you any day."
Stella grinned up at him, but her face fell quickly. "I still wouldn't want you to get hurt."
"Look," he went on, locking his grey eyes to her caramel brown ones. "You're a friend now, definitely one of mine, and that means that we can get hurt for each other, all right? That's just what you do."
Stella nodded. "But putting you in unnecessary danger is not something that a friend would do."
"Come on," Sirius said sarcastically, grinning once more. "You know I live for the thrill."
Stella had not laughed so much in so long, that it was almost as if a little piece of Heaven had decided to take a place in her heart as she and Sirius continued their walk around the spacious, snowy grounds of Potter Manor.
- - - - - - -
That night, the moon rose full behind a thin layer of clouds. Vanessa sat at her window and watched three shadowy figures steal across the grounds of the Potter Manor. The stag led the way, for it had been he who had taken Remus into the woods earlier that day. The rat followed, barely visible through the thick grass. The dog, big, black, and shaggy, took the rear; he turned, facing Vanessa's window, and she saw the moonlight glinting off his teeth – Sirius was smiling up at her.
She gave him a little wave as he bounded off after the others, and a knot twisted painfully in Vanessa's stomach. Every full moon made her like this – worried, sleepless, and almost sick – but she would never let anyone know that. Remus would leave her, for her own good, the instant he knew that she spent every full moon sitting up late into the night, waiting by the window until his morning return.
It did not help that Lily and Alice knew nothing of the others boys' Animagus forms. If they did, she could talk to them honestly, and maybe they could understand how she felt. They tried to sympathize, but it was difficult for them to do so without feeling the desperate worry she did once a month.
She watched James creep beneath the trees, leading the way for the others through the dense underbrush. Soon, they had vanished from her sight. So Vanessa sat, one of Remus' jackets wrapped tightly around her, silently praying to anyone who would listen that the four boys make it safely back.
It helped, she had discovered, to reread through the speech she had so meticulously written to bring before the Ministry. Just knowing that a few weeks from now, she might be standing before the Werewolf Registration and Control Committee making some difference in his life was enough to get her through.
She heard a distant howl, one she only made out because she was listening for it, and ice gripped at her heart. Sometimes, nights like this made her wonder why such bad things happened to good people. Remus was sweet and kind to everyone (except perhaps Isabella), and yet this horrible fate had been thrust upon him. There had been a time when she thought maybe it happened because it highlighted his goodness in ways that simply would not have been known otherwise, but she had soon decided that she was wrong. Perhaps it brought out the best in him during the day, but he would have been able to do that on his own.
Her only guess was that bad things happened to the best people simply because life was not allowed to be a fairytale – not for anyone. No matter what someone did with their lives, it was mandatory that some part of it was imperfect. For those who chose to take a darker path, their lives were riddled with inadequacies and deficiencies, so there was no need to thrust anything else upon them. For those that chose to walk in the light, however, life could be magnificent, so whether it was fate, or destiny, or god, or magic that made the decision, those people were put into some of the worse situations imaginable. It was just the way things worked. There was no such thing as perfect, and Remus was the prime example.
Yet, to make a perfect person, wouldn't it be necessary to have imperfections so that person had everything possible? After all, without tough times and flaws of character, there would be no change, no strength, no growth. So in reality, it was because of the darkness that there was light, and imperfections were the only way to have anything close to flawlessness.
- - - - - - -
The sun was finally beginning to peak over the horizon when Vanessa first saw them emerging from the forest, but she knew immediately that something was wrong. Remus seemed to be limping badly, and Sirius was holding his arm at an awkward angle. Vanessa grabbed her wand from the bedside table and sprinted down the large marble staircase and out the back door.
"What happened?" she asked James, who was helping to hold Remus up. Vanessa rushed to his other side and wrapped his arm around her shoulders, hoping to support him as well.
James' face was white and there were a few cuts across his forearms, but otherwise, he seemed unharmed. "It was a different setting, he changed and got confused, I suppose he's used to Hogwarts. This time, he sort of freaked out. We could hardly control him."
"Vanessa," Remus said in w hoarse whisper. "Vanessa, I could have –"
"Don't," she told him quietly. She knew all too well what he was going to say, and Vanessa did not want to hear it. "It doesn't matter, because you didn't."
"But –"
"No buts. Where are we taking him?"
"House elves," Sirius explained, his voice slightly strained as he held his arm gingerly. "They've got better healing magic than any of us."
She simply nodded, supporting Remus as best she could.
- - - - - - -
Remus sat on a table in the brightly lit kitchen in Potter Manor, a tiny house elf bouncing around him, tracing its long fingers over his various injuries, healing them instantly. Other elves were doing the same to the boys while Vanessa was watching worriedly from a little ways away.
He had made a heart-wrenching decision as he had limped out of the woods. There was no way he and Vanessa could continue to be together, for he was far too dangerous. If he ever hurt so much as a hair on her head, well, he would never forgive himself.
Remus waited as the other boys waved their goodbyes and bounded up the stairs to find breakfast before looking at his girlfriend, fighting the pained expression trying to cross his face. Vanessa, who did not need much to be able to read him, ran forward as soon as she saw him open his mouth.
"No," she whispered. "No, Remus, please."
If tears could be heard rather than seen, that was the tone in Vanessa's voice. His heart was not breaking, rather, it was shattering as he stared into her chocolate brown eyes.
"Vanessa," he sighed. "I can't keep doing this. It isn't right and it isn't fair to you."
"We've been through this, I don't care!" she told him, staring back fiercely.
"And I do," he argued, for what must have been the thousandth time. He took both her hands between his own, praying she would understand. "I care too much to run the risk of hurting you. You don't understand, Ness."
"Then help me to," Vanessa pleaded, staring up at him.
Remus sighed, squeezing her hands gently. "I don't know how."
"Remus, you can't do this," she went on. "We've been through this. And I'm still safe, all right? You've never done anything to hurt me. And I don't see how breaking up makes me any safer."
"But what if the next time is the one that changes everything?"
She was beginning to look angry rather than sad, and Remus would have smiled at the way she dealt with things, but this was far too serious for that. "You can't live your life on 'what ifs,' Rem! If everyone did that, no one would ever live at all because they would be too afraid of what might happen. Sometimes you just have to live and deal with the consequences."
"But this is not one of those times," he told her softly, shaking his head. "The consequences are too heavy."
"So I'm not worth the risk?" she asked, narrowing her eyes and ripping her hands away. "Is that it?"
"No, no, no," he said immediately, but she was beginning to back away. "I shouldn't be worth the risk to you, Ness, but for whatever reason I am. I'm just trying to protect you."
"Bullshit," she spat, brushing past him and heading for the stairs. "Bye, Rem."
And that was it.
He thought about chasing her, but then he realized that this was what he wanted, was it not? He wanted to remove himself from her life in order to protect her, but it was so hard to not chase after her at that very moment and grovel at her feet. It was better this way, maybe she would be safer, and eventually, happier with someone else.
Remus, on the other hand, doubted he would ever be quite as happy as he had been in the last few months. Three amazing things had happened to him in his life, Hogwarts, his friends, and finally Vanessa, and with only three blessings, it was difficult to give one up. Knowing that she would learn to be happy and fall in love with someone else was the only thing keeping him going, but also the thing that was tearing him apart. She could never know that, though, he wouldn't let her, because Vanessa tended to want to take care of those that were hurting, but he was one project that he could not allow her to complete.
- - - - - - -
Vanessa slammed her bedroom door behind her and flew to her bed, where she began throwing her things haphazardly into her trunk, not bothering to fold her clothes or match her socks. Each time she flung something on top of the growing pile, she did so with all the force she could muster, trying with all her might to keep the angry flame burning in her heart, for she knew that when it went out, she would break down completely.
She cared about Remus so much, more that she had ever cared about a boy, and he had thrown it away – at least, that was what she was telling herself. She had thought she had found someone who would protect her heart by whatever means necessary, but instead, he chose to protect everything but her heart. It was more painful than anything she had ever been through, but she refused to cry, she refused to let sadness overtake her. Anger was always better.
There was a soft knock and the door opened with a creak. Vanessa did not turn around to see who it was – it did not matter anyway.
"Vanessa?" Lily asked softly, coming around the other side so she could look her friend in the eye. "What's wrong?"
The brunette merely grumbled something that she knew would be hard to make out, but Lily was smarter than that, and she understood immediately.
"Idiot," she hissed, speaking, Vanessa knew, of Remus. "And I always thought he was intelligent, but that solves nothing."
"That's what I said," Vanessa growled, continuing her ferocious packing. "But nothing did any good. I was stupid to think that this would ever work out."
She knew that Lily was on her side, but the redhead gave her an angry look all the same. "You were not stupid, Nessa, you were following your heart, and there is nothing in the world wrong with that. Actually, I imagine things would be a lot better these days if more people followed their hearts and not their heads. Remus was – is – a good guy. He's making a bad decision, but you were happy with him, so don't regret anything."
Vanessa sighed. Lily was right, Lily was always right, but that didn't make it hurt any less. She felt tears stinging in her eyes and brushed them away hastily before turning to her best friend, shoulders slumped and feeling defeated. "What am I going to do, Lily?"
Lily hugged her tightly for a moment, and it was more comforting than Vanessa would have guessed. Getting hugged was like being needed, and after her fight with Remus, being needed was the best feeling in the world.
"You're going to come with me to the store and were going to buy mint chocolate chip ice cream and go back to your house and watch Muggle action movies."
"Action movies?" Vanessa had to ask. "I thought they were supposed to be sappy romances."
Lily shrugged, helping Vanessa pack more neatly. "That's what they say, but as usual, 'they' are wrong. Who wants to watch something cheesy and romantic after fighting or breaking up? You need something that pumps you up, not something that reminds you of him."
Vanessa had to smile. She really loved Lily's logic.
- - - - - - -
Lily loved Vanessa's house. It was big and open, but that was not the best part. Her favorite was the fact that Vanessa was a half-blood, and therefore, her house was a flawlessly imperfect combination of the Muggle and Wizarding worlds. Her parents were avid ecologists, and had left the house for a mid-winter study of frogs in hibernation, so Lily, Alice, Vanessa, and Stella had the place to themselves that night.
The four girls sat together on a big, squishy couch wearing old sweatpants and t-shirts, each with a tub of their favorite ice cream in hand. They watched tragedies, comedies, horror films, and action movies, but never anything romantic, because sometimes, even teenage girls find artificial love to be overrated.
While Alice was searching the shelf, trying to find her favorite thriller, Vanessa turned to Lily.
"What am I going to do about the hearing?" she asked, eyes downcast. "I actually had a date scheduled."
"We're still going to do it," Lily told her automatically, taking a bite of her strawberry ice cream. "Even if it's just the four of us. You worked too hard on it for us not to. Besides, I you don't get a chance to change the world every day. You have to take those chances when they come along or you'll regret it for the rest of your life, even if you're too angry at the time to care."
Lily meant every word of it. She would take the speech to the ministry herself if Vanessa refused to do it. It was something that needed to be done regardless of personal feelings.
Stella nodded in agreement. "And you'll do a great job, Vanessa, I can feel it. I think you're too passionate to do this with any mediocrity, and that's the only way anything will ever be accomplished."
"And if you don't do it," Alice added, seeming to read Lily's mind. "I'll march straight down there and do it myself."
Vanessa seemed to brighten as the scary music of Alice's movie began to play. "You'll all really come with me?"
"Absolutely."
- - - - - - -
"Remus, I'm not supposed to be the smart one," James told his friend as they sat in his bedroom around the Marauder's Map that they were repairing. "But I have to tell you that this is a mistake."
"It's for her own good," he insisted, looking tired as her performed another spell on the Map, trying to make the tiny names show up above the right people. "Even if that good doesn't start until she finds someone else, someone who can actually take care of her."
"Vanessa's tough, Moony," James went on. "She doesn't need to be taken care of."
"All the same," Sirius added. "Every girl wants to be taken care of, even if they don't admit to it."
"But –"
"I'm not finished yet, Prongs," Sirius said, cutting him off with a wink. "The 'taking care of' isn't something like can you get a job, can you support them, because they're fine doing that for themselves. They just want someone who can take care of them emotionally."
James knew he looked impressed, for his expression of mirrored on the faces of Remus and Peter. "How do you know all that?"
Sirius shrugged, surprisingly modestly. "I just pay attention."
"That's wonderful and everything," Remus argued. "But I want her to have someone who can take care of her in every way, whether she wants it or not. She deserves that much."
"You don't know a whole lot about love, do you, Moony?" Sirius asked with a grin. "It has everything to do with what she wants, and nothing to do with what she deserves."
"But isn't that just how she would end up getting hurt?"
It was James' turn to play love guru. "That's what love is though, isn't it? The risk of getting torn to pieces and the trust that the other person won't do that to you?"
James heard the scratching of a quill and looked over to see Peter taking better notes than he ever had in any class, which caused him to burst out laughing. When Remus and Sirius noticed as well, they joined right in.
"We sound like a bunch of girls," James choked out, gasping for air.
Sirius chose not to answer until he could breath properly again. "Maybe they've got it right – sometimes, at least."
Remus, who had stopped laughing the fastest, looked at them seriously. "I'm not saying I'll do or say anything, I just want to think about it, but what do you guys honestly suggest that I do?"
- - - - - - -
The train ride would have been bad enough worrying about the Slytherins, who were sitting merely compartments away, but being without the four Marauders was worse than Lily would have imagined. Frank would be joining them soon, but something about having the boys with them made everything so much safer, the mood so much lighter. Sirius with his catching smile and his bulk, Peter with his little brotherly admiration, Remus with his wise tone and understanding eyes, and James with his protective tendencies and caring heart. She would never have guessed that she would miss them already.
But it would be all right. Remus would overcome his temporary loss of rational thought and realize that he needed Vanessa as much as she obviously needed him; they balanced each other far too well to enjoy being apart. Even Remus' tough resolve would wear away eventually.
In the meantime, Lily sat with her hand tightly grasping her wand, like a little girl with her security blanket. She knew that Alice, Vanessa, and herself could defend themselves should anything happen, they were tough, and Stella was as well, she could fight hands-on – should it come to that.
But so far there had been no disturbances, everything was just as it would be had nothing happened over the holiday break. The tension in the room, however, was almost visible. All four girls sat with their arms crossed tight, knees bouncing and lips ready to bleed from being bitten.
And if being on the train was not bad enough, what about when they actually got to the school where there were hundreds of dark empty corridors in which one could stumble upon an unfriendly face? It looked as though they would have to travel in groups.
On top of everything was Constance's physical absence, which Lily knew would become a heavy weight upon them whenever they were somewhere she should have been as well. But in spite of all of her worries, Lily knew she had to keep a brave face. Vanessa was liable to break down at any moment, her mask of anger slipping away, and Alice, as she had told her mother, was too passionate to do anything but wear her heart on her sleeve, which meant that every emotion the little blonde was feeling – even fear – showed through plain as day.
Lily did not mind, though, it gave her something to strive for, something worth doing, and being friends with three teenage tragedies make putting on a smile seem all the more worthwhile. We're not 'teenage tragedies,' she reminded that overactive part of her imagination. If we were tragedies, there would be no hope for things to get better.
The compartment door opened suddenly and Lily, Alice, and Vanessa jumped up, wands at the ready, but it turned out to be James, standing there with his hands in a defensive position.
"Oh," Alice said in a small voice. "Sorry, James."
He gave her a smile and turned to Lily. "Can I talk to you for a second?"
"Um," she answered slowly, looking to the others for confirmation. "All right, then."
He led her out into the hall and she almost tripped over Sirius, who was sitting right outside the compartment.
"What on earth-?" she began, but he grinned up at her.
"Just making sure you lot were safe, Lily-flower. No need to worry."
Lily tried to be angry at their lack of faith in her, but seeing all three of James best friends guarding their door was almost too sweet for words. She simply smiled and waved before following James into the empty compartment across the hall.
"I know you left sort of fast," he started, shifting back and forth as he stared into her eyes. "So I never got to tell you."
"Tell me what?" Lily asked, truly interested in whatever he had to say.
He sighed. "Look, Remus and Ness are our best friends, and things are going to be a little weird between them for a while," James told her. "But, Lily, I just recently earned your friendship, and it means too much to me to let anything mess it up."
Lily had to smile at that. "And you want to make sure that this won't come between us?"
"Exactly," he told her with a grin, reaching up to ruffle his hair, but catching himself, which actually made Lily laugh. He brightened at this and continued. "So just promise me that even if our friends aren't around each other as much, we'll still find time for each other."
Lily studied his face for a moment, taking in the utter sincerity he put behind his words, and nodded, already knowing that she would miss life without him. "And there's no need to worry, because Remus and Vanessa will have to get back together," she told him reassuringly. "Vanessa's too strong-willed to let anything else happen."
"And Remus loves her too much to stay away," James added. "Even if he doesn't realize it yet."
- - - - - - -
After the longest train ride she had ever endured, Vanessa immediately made her way up to Gryffindor Tower upon their arrival at the school. She took the steps two at a time up to her dormitory and shut the door tightly behind her.
She hadn't cried yet, and she didn't plan to, for tears did no good no matter how much they may have wanted to be shed. She told herself to not weep because it was over, but to be happy because she had been the only girl he had trusted enough to try with.
Vanessa rummaged through her bag and pulled out her notebook – the one she had been using for her werewolf rights campaign – and flipped the worn pages open for the hundredth time. Rereading through her speech, she crossed out some of the more personal references that she had added, but left it generally the same, knowing that she had written it from her heart and that that was the only way to get through to anyone.
Her hearing was still set for a week from that day, and she fully planned to go through with her plan, especially knowing that the other girls were behind her. And maybe if this worked out, then Remus would be more inclined to take her back. Vanessa wished that she could tough it out, suck it up, and tell him that she didn't want to get back together, but he meant too much to her for her to have that kind of strength.
So she would go on and give her speech and pray for nothing short of a miracle.
- - - - - - -
Contrary to popular belief, there were some emotions that Alice managed to hide from the world – or, most of it. Due to Vanessa's break-up and Stella being in constant danger anywhere she went, the little blonde had swallowed her feelings about leaving her mother. It had been one of the hardest things she had ever had to do, regardless of the way she had been treated. Alice had never been particularly fond of her mother, but still… she was her mother.
To be honest, Alice was not sure what she should think or feel anymore. Things were growing far too complicated and she didn't know whether to laugh or cry or fight, but she felt as though she had to do something.
So she sat cross-legged on the couch in very un-Alice-ish clothes, sweatpants, and old t-shirt, and just stared into the fire. The was something comforting about the constantly changing flames that the little blonde could not quite place, like watching the rain or listening to the ocean.
Frank came and sat down beside her, but he seemed to understand that sometimes, talking was not the answer – not even for Alice. So he simply sat there in her company as if hoping that being there was enough.
And it was.
This chapter was not quite as long as previous ones, but this was just where it needed to end, I think. It sort of covered everyone. And don't worry about Remus and Vanessa, just saying. (: Next chapter will most likely be the hearing, which I am really looking forward to writing, IF THERE IS ANYTHING YOU WOULD LIKE TO SEE IN NESSA'S SPEECH, PLEASE LET ME KNOW! I am totally open to suggestions on that and I would LOVE to include multiple opinions. (:
I really hoped you liked this chapter, despite all the sadness going around, at least Stella's part is getting happier!
PLEASE REVIEW!!
And lastly, if you haven't checked out my new story, Secondhand Wings, you really should. I am quite proud of it to be honest, if you have any questions, let me know!
Love Always,
Kayla
We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,—
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.
Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.
We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!