Fluttering my eyes open, I snuggle into the warm body and frown. The familiar scent, the safe feeling of his arm around me and the fact I'm greatly aware he shouldn't be there pounding in my chest. Tilting my head up I chew my lip as I look at him sleeping soundlessly beside me. His lips barely parted and his breathing evened out I shake my head at the whole scene and squeeze my eyes tight to rid of the tears.
God I hate so much that I've been asleep for just a few hours and yet it's been one of the best night's sleep I've had in so long. Maybe it's because I'm in my bed, maybe it's because for once I'm not in that lump couch that makes my back sore or maybe…more than likely it's because of the boy beside me.
"Damn it, Luke…" I shake my head and drop it to his chest, clinging my small hand to his shoulder and feeling my body tense a bit when I feel the strong arm come around me.
"Please don't cry anymore," he whispers and I shake my head at him. "Please…"
"I can't help it," I sniffle pulling back to look at him. "I just…I want to hate you, Luke," I inform him and his drunken eyes look so heavy as they look at me. "I'm not mad at you anymore. My heart just hurts," my voice cracks and those heavy eyes close. "And my head says one thing and my heart says another."
"Brooke…"
"And then I have people telling me time heals everything, after while it stops hurting and I keep waiting and waiting for that to happen and it hasn't yet," I tell him as a tear drops. "My heart still hurts Luke, every time I look at you, every time I hear your name or your laugh or…or think of you its hurts. I don't want it to hurt anymore…but even when I'm with you it hurts, so what am I supposed to do?"
"I don't know…" he whispers and I shake my head at the fact that isn't what I wanted to hear. "I wish I had something that could be said that makes this better for you but I can't think of anything and I hate it Brooke. I hate it…"
"I hate that every night I pray that I'll wake up not loving you anymore," I confess and watch the pain flash over him. "I just want to get over you…but…but I don't know how too," my voice breaks and his eyes squeeze shut. "And that scares me… I'm scared Luke…"
"Brooke…" a hand waves in front of me and I snap back into focus. "Where you at kiddo?" she leans back in the booth and I frown bringing my warm cup to my lips.
"Nowhere, just spaced out. Sorry," I apologize glancing around the small café and bite hard my lip.
"Talked to Tony the other night," she states and I pull my eyes up at her. "Told me he passed out at your place this past weekend…said he wasn't alone…"
"Mom…" I shake my head not at all wanting to have this talk. That night was so…awkward. However it wasn't awkward. It was so many things and after I woke up and had that talk with Lucas, which I'm sure he was still drunk from, I rolled over and went back to sleep.
I still am not sure how I slept after it.
Probably because the bastard was beside me and I know watching me.
"Don't mom me," she orders and I roll my eyes. "I'm just casually asking my daughter what was up… since he slept in your bed," she mumbles out slowly and sips her drink.
"Remind me to talk to Tony about everything he shares," I remind her and she kinks a brow at me, knowing that isn't the point. "We didn't do anything…" I inform him and her head tilts to the side. "We didn't!"
"So, you're telling me you two were in a bed together, having been together before in that regard and you didn't do anything?" she wonders. "Sure, I believe that."
"We aren't animals mom. We can spend time together in bed and not do anything," I inform her and she rolls her eyes.
"I've seen you two together Brooke, I don't believe it."
"You know most mothers would love the fact their daughter isn't having sex," I point out and she rolls her eyes and flips her hand at me.
"Oh Brooke you're an adult. You practically had a live in boyfriend for the last year and I took you to the doctor to get birth control. I'm greatly aware to the fact you two have had sex," she tells me and I shift a bit in the booth. "And I know you can make your own choices… I just…I want you being careful."
"Mom you know I can't-"
"I'm talking about with your heart Brooke," she cuts me off and I glance down. "Sex is one thing; making love is a whole other."
"Well we didn't," I repeat and glance down. "He kissed me…I let him kiss me," I confess and she slowly nods. "But we didn't do anything else. We aren't together anymore and that…that would complicate everything…"
"Think things are already pretty complicated kiddo," she points out and I nod completely in agreement to that.
"Brooke?" I blink the pressure in my eyes and turn my head to the side at the boy beside me. "Hey…"
"Oh Julian, hey," I watch my mom toss the glance between us and sink back in her seat. "What are you doing?"
"Taking a lunch break," he explains and I slowly nod as he awkwardly bounces on his feet beside our table.
"But mom," I shift my body in my booth. "This is Julian, Julian this is my mom Tori," I introduce and mom holds out her hand.
"Nice to meet you Julian, I've heard a lot about you," she smiles that perfect smile and that is true. I've mentioned Julian to my mom a few times…we don't have secrets and normally helps me with my thoughts. May not tell me what I want to hear but tells me what I need too.
"I've heard about you also," he smiles that perfect smile and I bite on my lip.
"Want to join us?" I blurt out before I have a moment to stop myself. "Hang out until you have to head back?" I question and catch the worried glance my mom gives me.
"Sure," he slides down beside me and I awkwardly shift in the booth. Suddenly questioning why I even did that.
I clearly want my life to just be completely complicated.
"Wow," I shake my head laughing and pop a fry in my mouth. "You are insane," I inform the boy beside me who cracks a smile.
"I've gotten that," he chuckles and looks down at his watch. "But…as much fun as I'm having, I have to head back," he frowns a bit standing up. "I swear the hour break is the quickest hour ever."
"That I agree with you on," Mom agrees and gives him a smile. "But it was really nice meeting you Julian."
"You too Tori," he gives her a smile before looking at me. Locking his green eyes on mine and my heart pounds in my chest when he smiles. "But I'll talk to you later, Brooke?" he raises a brow and I just slowly nod. "Good, maybe if you're free you'll let me take you out tomorrow night for a drink."
"I'll text you," I offer him and he nods.
"Well…bye," he gives a wave and moves toward the door. Tossing a final glance at me before smiling and shaking his head before stepping out. Taking a sip of my drink I reach for the sugar and start to awkwardly pour some in my cup, very aware of my mom's eyes on me.
"What?" I finally slap my hand to the table when I can't take it anymore. "What is it? Say what you want to say," I tell her, knowing she is wanting to say something.
"He's sweet," Mom comments and I nod, because it's true. Julian is sweet, probably the sweetest guy I've ever met. "Good family, good job, great smile," she points out because again he has a great smile. "Really just an awesome guy, probably a great catch."
"How come I feel there is a but coming on?" I roll my head to the side to look at her.
"I didn't say but," she shrugs and I shake my head and stare forward. "But if you think there is a but, maybe you should share it," she says and I glance down as a pause falls over us.
"He makes me laugh," I shrug, running my finger over the rim of my glass. "Makes me smile and when I'm with him I have so much fun. He is the perfect guy and for some reason he likes me…"
"But…"
"But…" I pull in a deep breath and swallow hard. "But he isn't him," I blink the tears so tired of getting upset. "And I know, I know I can't compare everyone I meet to Lucas and I know that if we don't end up together it won't be fair looking for someone what I have with him, but…but the first night I met Luke," I shift around to look at her. "There was this moment and he looked at me and I felt this…this spark rip through me and I know he felt it to because he smiled…"
"Brooke…" she reached up to knock back one of my tears.
"He looked at me and he smiled and I never felt like that with anyone before. In all of two seconds I fell for him," I give a half shoulder shrug and shake my head. "And I just want that instant two second spark with someone… and I hate I don't feel that…or honestly anything with Julian. I like him, I like him a lot but…but it's not like that."
"You can't force something that's not there Brooke…"
"I know…I know that. It's just, I love Lucas. I won't lie to anyone because I do. I love him more than is probably healthy. And when we were good, god we were perfect. There was nothing better than when we were good. I used to not even care how bad my day was because I knew the second I was in his arms everything was perfect again. Yet as great as we are, when we are bad…we are so bad it hurts."
"Most great loves are…" she points out and I know that's true. Yet she doesn't know everything that happened with us, no one but David and Rachel do. I don't want anyone knowing, I don't want people thinking less of him.
"I don't know if I trust him anymore mom," I confess hating how that sounds. "I used to feel so safe with him and then suddenly every time I was hurting was because of him. Not even things he meant too. He just…he wasn't there; even when he was he just looked like he was somewhere else or wanted to be somewhere else. He fell comfortable with us and I don't want him to be with me because he is comfortable, I want him to be with me because he doesn't want anyone else. I want the thought of not having me scaring him so much he can't focus, or think. I want him to feel what I've been feeling all these past months," I finally admit and she lets out a dry laugh before looking at me.
"You're testing him? You are seeing if he will fight for you?"
"No one I'll ever be with will compare to Lucas," I tell her and she nods. "He…he's like a real strong shot of something. Just a tiny bit you feel all over, it tingles through your body and lingers on your lips and as much as it burns, it feels so damn good. That's how he is, that's how we are. For the last almost three years I felt that every day. I can't just switch from…something like whiskey every day to…water or something. Because everything so far has been that…has been water."
"Brooke you never have to settle for anything," she tells me quickly. "You're beautiful and talented and bright and funny. You are what guys dream about…"
"Mom…"
"I'm not saying that because you're my daughter, I'm saying it because it's true," her tone sharp and I just nod looking down. "I love Lucas Scott," she tells me and I sniffle some. "I love how he is with Aiden and Kylee and how he puts up with Jason and for some reason brings a not very serious side from Tony. And I have always loved the way he was with you. That happiest I've ever seen you was when he was around…" she squeezes my hand and I glance down and swallow the hard lump. "He is your first love…the love you two share is pure and innocent and yes, yes you've had your issues but it's a love that…that no one will regret. I've watched you grow so much over the last few years with him and…and you became this amazing strong woman."
"I don't feel very strong sometimes…"
"You are," she nods and I bite my lip. "And you're strong enough to know when to hold on and when to let go," she tells me and my eyes snap up to hers. "If you aren't happy…you don't have to stay. And if you don't it doesn't mean you've wasted these last three years; it doesn't mean what you two shared wasn't real love. What you have is real and there is a plus and down side to that."
"What is it?"
"The downside is that it will take time to get over. It won't happen overnight, it might take a very long time to get over. And honestly a part of you will always love Lucas. Even if you don't end up with him, you will always love him, even if it's the tiniest of your heart. But a plus side," she reaches over and grabs my other hand. "The plus side is that Lucas…Lucas taught you that that feeling is real. That that spark and weak knees and the perfect kiss, all of that is real. And you never have to settle for less than that…"
"Do…do you think Lucas and I are really over?" my heart races by her answer and she looks down before slowly lifting her head to look at me.
"No…" she answers honestly and I let out a broken laugh. "But it's not my place to tell you what to do with your heart. But look at me," she shrugs. "Sometimes you meet the right wrong just at the wrong time. But I to this day swear that if people are meant to be they will be together. Fate can't help it, it has to weasel its way in and force it to happen," she tells me and I let out a dry laugh when I hear the bell over the door ring and lift my head to hear my mom laugh.
"Stubborn bastard that fate is," I grumble and lean in my seat to see the blonde walk over toward the back with some package in his hand. Talking to one of our waitresses I growl a bit and shift in my seat more. "I hate that girl…"
"Who?"
"Carrie…" I grumble annoyed. "She I swear has always had a thing for Lucas…" I let her know as I look back up to see the girl laugh at something he says as he hands her the brown box.
"A little jealous?"
"Not even a little," I lie, frowning a bit that she has him laugh.
I miss his laugh.
And just like that, he turns on his feet; his eyes flip up and lock on mine and that laugh drops. I don't even have to talk to him and his laugh drops.
"Hey…" he slowly moves through the café and toward us.
"Hi," I curl into myself and bite hard on my lip as I look down at my cup before back at him.
"Hey Tori…" his eyes linger on mine a moment before looking at my mom, a smile already plastered on his face.
"Hey Luke," she stands up to give him a hug and my heart tightens. "How are you? I haven't seen you in weeks…"
"I'm doing alright," lie, he completely lies as he scratches his ear. "How are you?"
"Good, just been dealing with things…" she eases back in her seat and he slowly nods.
"How is Kylee? We talked the other day but…but not long," he cuts his eyes over at me before quickly back to my mom.
"She's working through it all," Mom glances down a moment before pulling in a long breath. "But she is strong…and we all are behind her so we are figuring it out."
"Had no doubt you all would…" he comments and she slowly nods giving a tight lipped smile.
"What are you doing here?" I randomly blurt out and his eyes crease looking at me. "Saw the package…" I wiggle my finger at the counter and he mouths and 'oh.'
"I had a part for mom's car but Keith isn't at the shop. I didn't want to just leave it by the back door. Thought mom was here but I guess not," he tosses a look around but I quickly shake my head.
"No, she is at orientation for Lily and starting kindergarten," I inform him and he lets out a long sigh.
"Damn…when did she turn five again?" he wonders, slowly easing down in the booth beside me and I bite my lip. "I feel like it was just yesterday I was letting you meet her…"
"When we went to the park?" I remember and he slowly grins.
"Yeah and you completely outdid me on coolness by going on the big slide," he reminds me and I start to laugh.
"That was a fun day," I slowly nod and he agrees as his eyes linger on mine. My heart tightening in my chest as I bite my lip and watch his eyes dart to it before back to my eyes.
"Yeah it was," he agrees, slowly placing his hand on mine and giving it a squeeze. "Time sure flies…"
"It sure does," I pop back to the fact my mom is at the table and jerk my eyes over to see her watching me. "One minute they are your precious little baby and the next…the next they are all grown up…"
"Mom, please don't get emotional," I beg and she rolls her eyes and grabs a napkin.
"Oh Cheery give her a break," Lucas says and I lift my eyes to his, very aware to the fact his hand is still toying with mine. "It's her little girl's birthday…" he looks at my mom who smiles. "Today is the day her baby isn't really a baby anymore. She's all grown up."
"It is…" she nods in agreement. "And I'm having issues with it."
"No issues needed, just like any other day," I flip my hand around, dismissing it. "Mom…" I shake my head when I catch the look on her face. "Good job, look what you did," I look at Lucas who chuckles.
"I didn't do anything," he holds his hands up in defense and I notice how cold my hand suddenly turns. "I was always just saying…"
"You're always just saying," I place my hand on his face and push it back and he laughs.
"Don't be like that," he grabs my hand and smiles. Grabbing his phone when it starts going off in his pocket. "Sorry," he apologizes, shuffling around and pulling it out. "It's Keith," he looks at it and then back at us. "Sorry, I have to go call him back… But, I hope you all have a good lunch," he says as he shuffles out of the booth. "But…uhh…" he whips his hands on his pants and shifts a little uncomfortable. "Are you going out tonight?"
"Rach and Hales and I may go out later," I explain and he slowly nods. "Nothing too crazy…" I cut my eyes at my mom who gives me that 'you better behave' look.
"Well…be careful; call me if you need anything."
"I know…" I fiddle with my spoon and he nods some.
"Well Tori, always great seeing you," he gives her a hug and my heart aches a bit. He's always been so comfortable with my family.
"As it is with you honey. Tell Karen I'll call her and maybe we can get lunch," she eases back in the booth with a smile.
"Yes mama' I'll do that," he promises and she smiles.
"Hope you have a good night."
"Me too," he lets out a dry laugh before looking back at me. "But maybe I'll talk to you later?" his eyes travel to mine and my heart skips a beat.
"Yeah…I'll text you," I promise and he nods.
"Well bye," he gives an awkward wave and moves toward the door. "And Brooke…" he pauses to look at me and I toss a look at him. "Happy birthday," he says and I smile.
"Thanks…" I give a small wave and he walks out. Tossing a look around the room before settling on my mom. "What?"
"Didn't say anything," she takes a sip of her drink and shrugs. "Not one thing…" she mumbles and I just roll my eyes. She is always not saying something.
Mothers.
So my 21st birthday is Sunday and I don't know if I'll be updating much until after it. So I hope you all enjoy the couple chapters on my stories I get up!
Please review!