I had to accept the fact that my mother was dead. Before I woke up that day, Jack helped her and sat her on the couch. She told him she was fine, that her neck just hurt. So he took her word for it and went upstairs, to see if I was awake. Apparently, she wasn't okay. She slowly lost her breath, she died.
Her body was on the couch, cold and lifeless. I broke down into a fit of tears. I had no idea where my brother, or my father was. But Jack was there to comfort me. I held her hand, I cried so hard. "I'm so sorry..." I breathed. We took her body, and buried her in the backyard. When my dad got home with my brother and asked where my mom was... I told them I didn't know. I was too scared to tell them the truth.
I still sit outside, beside her grave and talk to her. Telling her about how great I'm doing in school, about how I broke up with my boyfriend. I said everything, I told her everything. I knew she heard me, I often cried hard and told her again and again how sorry I was. Sometimes I would see her, she would smile at me, I would smile back.
I sat on my bed, and stared out the window. My eyes focused on the backyard, where my mother was buried. Tears ran down my face and I closed my eyes.
"Don't be so sad..."
I heard her voice, I opened my eyes and looked around. She wasn't there, but I heard her talk.
"You need to move on, Emily. I can't move on till you do."
"I don't think I can ever move on." I sighed, brushing the hair from my face. I wanted to, but my thoughts wouldn't let me. I dream about it every night, her dying. I wanted to bring her back, make her alive again so I could hug her and tell her I'm sorry for treating her like I did. So I could cry on her shoulder, she could tell me it's all right, and cry with me too.
"You need to. Sulking like this, won't make things better."
"I killed you. How do you think I could just move on, and forget about it?" I started to cry. I could never think clearly, my mind was always racing. I never know what I'm really thinking. My heart was broken, into a million pieces. I tried to fix it, but memories keep breaking it again.
"Because, your strong. You are a very smart girl, I'm sorry for always treating you like you're stupid. You need to move on, do it for me."
"Alright." I said. Maybe she was right, I did need to move on. I needed to feel happy again, to feel loved. To get out of this shell that I put myself in, and live. She didn't reply, she must of left. I lifted my head up, I haven't talked to Jack in weeks. I needed support. I stood up off my bed and got my shoes on, it was spring so I doubted he'd be around. I put on a jacket, and walked outside.
The sun shined, it wasn't too warm outside. But it was still warm. I walked down the street, a bunny was chewing on some clover but ran away when I came close. I walked for what seemed like hours. I heard footsteps behind me and a stick cracked. I spun around and pointed my hand, black sand flowed around my arm.
"Whoa, calm down." It was Jack, he held his arms in the air. I put my hand down.
"You scared the shit outta me!" I crossed my arms.
"Sorry, I saw you walking. I guessed you were looking for me." He said, shrugging. "You guessed right." I took a deep breath. My eyes were pointed at the ground. "I'm sorry." tears filled my eyes.
"For what?" he asked.
"For everything." I looked up at him, running over and hugging him. I cried really hard, my arms around his neck. "I forgave you already, you don't need to apologize again." He smiled.
"I wanted to apologize again." I said. He put his arms around my back, and breathed cold air on my neck calming me down. "Don't cry too hard, you'll make yourself sick." He whispered in my ear.
My life is a crazy mixed up roller coaster ride, the kind that makes you sick. Even though I regret the mistakes I made in the past, I pushed myself on. I dealed with everything I did. Jack walked me home, we both sat outside besides my mom's grave. "I talk to her...I tell her everything. We would of been closer, if I wouldn't of..." I started to cry. He put his arm around me, and pulled me close.
"It's okay." He kissed my cheek. I nodded.
"I broke up with my boyfriend..." I breathed, and looked at Jack. I searched his eyes for something, I didn't even know what I was looking for. "Why?" He asked. Isn't it obvious? Shouldn't he know, why I broke up with my boyfriend. "Because, I'm in love with someone else..." I said, a blush creeped across my face, it was so weird how I get mushy around him. "Who?" his face was priceless.
I rolled my eyes, and playfully punched him in the shoulder. "You, idiot!" I laughed. He smiled, one of those goofy smiles that I can't help but laugh at.
It's so strange, how the smallest things in life matter so much to people. But I guess I know how they feel, I used to think that death was no big deal. That it was just another thing that happened in life that didn't matter. I thought my life wasn't important to anyone, but I realized that so many people love me and that my life does matter. I felt like crying at the thought, of me almost killing myself in the past. Those people who stopped me from doing that, if they didn't care... They would of let me bleed to death. They would of let me kill myself. I'm glad I have those kinds of people in my life, the ones who care. I wish I would of realized sooner...
I went up to my room with Jack, we laid on my bed and talked for what seemed like hours. After a while, I fell asleep in his arms.