Helen took one look at the current Prophet of the Lord, and without hesitating she gave him a black eye.
Satisfied at that, she ignored the confused looks of the brothers and the prophet.
It figured Gabriel had to get the idea of hiding from somewhere. Why not his Father? Really, he had it coming for not explaining to Micheal that it was alright that Lucifer didn't automatically love humanity.
"What was that about?" asked Dean.
"No idea."
Chuck grabbed a bag of frozen peas from his freezer and put it to the eye she hit. It was understandable why she was pissed...she could see souls and knew exactly who he actually was.
Which was why when she came to speak to him in private, he made sure the brothers couldn't hear them.
"I suppose I deserve it for letting that prophecy through."
"Actually that was more along the lines of not thinking things through by explaining to Micheal it was okay that Lucifer didn't immediately love the new kid in the house. I can live with being the adopted daughter of a demon."
"Yeah... I never expected a five-year-old being forced to cook would accidentally summon a demon," winced Chuck.
"Not my fault that idiot goat left the one person within walking distance with all the ingredients for it. If she hadn't made a living selling potions on the side, I never would have gotten my hands on them," said Helen. She sighed. "And frankly I've seen what would have happened if I hadn't summoned my dad by accident. I would rather be the daughter of the Crossroad King than a mindless sheep."
Chuck blinked.
"Okay, I know that can't be right because angels don't have the power to walk parallel worlds. How exactly did you see those possible futures?"
"Apparently Cheshire and Zwei have the power to walk between alternate worlds, and they can take people with them. I ran into someone in that space and they took me to someone who's known to dabble in it and they explained things. The irony was that the one who brought me to the one who crosses alternates frequently is one of my alternates, only it was a boy who was adopted by the two sisters of Medusa and a form of vampire I've never seen before."
Helen did mutter 'Though you couldn't tell it was a boy with those looks...' under her breath.
"GAH!"
Helen ducked into the room to see what had scared Dean. There, sitting calm as you please, was a bored Alucard.
"Integra kick you out of the mansion again?" she asked. Alucard pouted.
Ever since being spared and given a new purpose, Integra rarely had any real use for him. Which meant he spent a lot of time bugging Seras or visiting Helen and scaring the Winchester brothers.
Helen pinched the bridge of her nose.
"That does it. I'm dumping you someplace where you can actually do some good."
Alucard perked up.
"Cheshire, remember that world I told you never to let Zwei near?"
"Which one?" asked the cat, appearing by her side.
"The one no vampire worth their fangs would dare visit, lest they go on a total rampage."
"Oh. OH... You're letting him loose there?"
"I would rather deal with a world full of ghouls and newly fledged vampires than a bored Alucard, and hell only knows what he would get up to out of boredom."
Cheshire looked far too gleeful, and the Master vampire was having second thoughts about bugging Helen for entertainment.
The cat grabbed the vampire and disappeared.
"Okay, I know I'm going to regret asking this...but where did you send that thing?" asked Dean.
"The one world where no vampire who can call themselves Nosferatu would dare go, not unless they wanted to go on a killing spree and end a scourge worse than the one those idiot Nazis let loose a couple of decades ago."
She waited until all the males were on the edge of their seats before she said "I sent him to the world Twilight came from."
Three seconds was all it took for Dean to start laughing, while Sam and Chuck winced. A Master vampire like Alucard in the world of Twilight? That would definitely not end well...for the sparklepires that is.
Black Wing blinked, and then had to make sure he wasn't seeing things.
"Did you just dump Dracula into the world of Twilight?" he asked the cat called Cheshire.
"Her orders. If that place gets obliterated by a real vampire, then at least she won't have to listen to the Edward versus Jacob debate again," said Cheshire shrugging. Black Wing snorted. Dropping a real vampire like Dracula into that place was like dropping a baby tiger in a cage full of kittens. You just knew it wasn't going to end well for the house cats.
He wondered if he should watch the fallout from Dracula going after the Cullens...and possibly Swan. Then he decided to just tell Zelretch what she had just done...odds were he'd record the massacre for them to enjoy later.
"How the hell did Dracula end up with a babe that hot? And why does she put up with him?" asked Dean a week later.
Seras had come looking for Alucard, and had inevitably found Helen. She then told the little Draculina where to find him, and Seras had looked torn between wincing and laughing. Mainly because Alucard had made it a point to burn anything related to Twilight that he could get his hands on.
"Seras had the bad luck of being in the same group that were sent in to deal with a large group of ghouls being headed by a vampire. She was the only 'survivor' when Alucard showed up, and offered to turn her instead of letting her die. The thing is, he could have killed the vampire without killing her in the process, and she had a thing against drinking blood until we put her through a proper therapy session. Looks really didn't matter to him, but the fact she had kept fighting despite the fact the vampire who attacked the village in the first place was going to rape and turn her into another ghoul impressed him enough that he made her a fledgling."
"Why does that sound familiar?" asked Dean to himself. Sam snorted.
"Dad made us read the Hellsing series when it first came out because it was written by a hunter trying to make a historically accurate portrayal of the London Massacre twenty years ago. Seras was the girl with the large guns, remember?"
"Oh yeah, I remember now. Wait, you mean to tell me that Alucardis the Alucard from the book?!" said Dean.
"First thing I ever did when I realized he was in a manga was ask for his autograph. It surprised him so much he didn't kill me out of hand for coming near his area of the pits. And then I asked him to help me make my own version of his final release...and he eventually bound himself to me. I brought back Seras and Integra as a favor to him, since they were killed by wizards five years ago when the mansion was deliberately attacked. I almost feel sorry for Sirius. Almost," sniggered Helen.
"Who's Sirius?"
"My magical godfather before I was adopted, and my new mother's cousin. He's like a magical, more Trickster-like version of Dean who I set up with Integra as a prank. His werewolf best friend has not stopped thanking me for bringing someone who can keep Sirius' less admirable traits in line."
Sam remembered the books better than Dean, because he snorted in open amusement. If what Helen was saying about her godfather was right, then he probably wasn't enjoying it as much as his friend was.
"Do they at least tolerate each other?"
"Sirius amuses her, and it's not like she doesn't have practice keeping annoyances in line because of Alucard. And Sirius is impressed because she actually got his mother's portrait to shut the hell up whenever he has to look up something, since it's too dangerous to keep the books I normally read for creative inspiration in a mundane home, no matter how big it is."
"And by creative inspiration you mean..." asked Dean.
"There are quite a few books on how to magically disembowel someone, among other things," said Helen. The two brothers winced. Sometimes it was so easy to forget Helen was a witch who didn't need hell to be dangerous. Or that she had a very twisted sense of humor.
Bobby was still trying to wrap his head around their odd relationship, even if they seemed much happier than he'd seen them in a while and for once he knew it wasn't because of some spell.
"And the weird kid with purple hair and the blindfold?" asked Dean.
"Black Wing? He's an alternate that was messed around by the personification of fate, adopted by the two sisters of Medusa who somehow survived being eaten, adopted by a weird version of a vampire and said divine sisters, and then put through so much weird shit even I had a hard time reading him. And to top it all off, he has more evil energy than I do with twice the apathy to go with it!"
"...Are you actually whining?" asked Sam in amazement.
"It's not fair! I spend years in hell and he has more dark aura than I do!" whined Helen.
"And this matters because...?"
"The stronger your darkness is, the more power you theatrically hold in hell," explained Helen. "Uncle Alistair is so dark he could blanket a small town in a matter of minutes if he could project worth a damn. Dad's better than he is at it, probably because he had to work his way up from birth..."
Dean and Sam blinked, before they slowly turned to Helen. They knew that look.
"What did you come up with, and will it come back to bite us in the ass?" asked Dean flatly.
"Well... it would depend how good at projecting the evil aura he is... and I sincerely doubt it would bite you two in the ass later... though I might," she said with a leer.
"Kinky sex time later Helen. What are you up to?" asked Dean.
"Sending Black Wing to heaven to give the angels coronaries because they think a very high level demon showed up," said Helen.
"Okay... now seeing how that's funny..."
"Imagine if Loki were an uptight angel instead of a sugar nut. How would he react to a...oh, evil idea time!"
"Later. How are you going to contact this Black Wing guy anyway?"
"Cheshire occasionally runs into him while trolling through parallel worlds."
"One, why would I care to go to heaven and two, what's in it for me?" asked Black Wing.
"Because angels are uptight, hypocritical assholes and you get to keep any blackmail pictures. Plus I'll keep Gabriel away from your grandpa for a while. Hell only knows what would happen if Loki the sugar nut met with a trolling vampire with access to multiple worlds and a magical girl fetish," said Helen.
"That and a magically binding contract to never become part of my harem. It's far too weird even for me to have a girlfriend/lover who is one of my alternates."
"Deal," said Helen without hesitation. "How did you even end up with a harem anyway?"
"I have no idea."
"Right. So do you want to prank heaven or Loki first?"
"Loki, if only so you can hide the blackmail photos for me to use against him once Gramps learns of his existence, if he hasn't already. And avoid roping me into being a magical girl like last time. I swear the look Gramps gave you when you mentioned you have no problem being one as long as you were allowed to let your Queen Bitch out..." said Black Wing shuddering. It was an unholy alliance made from the worst parts of the universe.
"I only agreed to be dumped in the world of Sailor Moon solely because I was promised blackmail photos of Alucard as either Tuxedo Mask or a random Sailor Scout with more frills and pink than anything remotely manly and Seras dressed up in the skimpiest sailor fuku you can imagine. Nothing is too far for blackmail photos!" declared Helen.
Black Wing shuddered. It was like dealing with a hormonal, bitchy, female, red haired version of Zelretch. One who thankfully had to use her pet werewolf and cat to use the Kaleidoscope.
Gabriel twitched. There was that Father-awful feeling again. The one that made him want to bring out his real sword and stab something in a preferably fatal or humiliating place.
Finally he couldn't take it any more and went looking for it.
Only to find some fourteen-year-old kid with purple hair and a blindfold clicking what could only be a stop watch. Then he noticed Helen snickering.
"You were timing me?"
"To be fair, I'm taking him to do the same thing only on a larger scale on your anal retentive asshole of an older brother next. I would do the same to Lucifer, but he'd probably pick it up from me and he lives in hell anyway, so..."
"I demand extra pictures and memories," said Gabriel.
"Why is it that instead of a harem you collect people who practically live for blackmail photos?" Black Wing asked her.
"You're talking to the girl who chose to have a threesome with a pair of paranoid brothers who've dedicated their lives to hunting people like me down and killing them, purely to piss off a bunch of angels and a certain demon. A girl who was also given the 'Talk' by a succubus who has since made her own version of heaven because the idea of dealing with her superiors bitching about the fact she came home gave her migraines."
"Oh yeah, I remember Pretty Poison. She actually managed to find me and asked me for advice on how to make a sub-pocket of heaven without having to deal with Micheal," said Gabriel.
He was actually happy for her. She had found the perfect partner in a human who chose her despite the fact she had been a succubus when she first met him.