I moved as fast as I could as soon as I caught my breath. My thoughts were racing faster than I could process them. It was impossible to believe this day had come. I knew it would probably come about, but not so soon. I thought he would have had at least a year before it hit him this hard. But here I was with shaking breaths and nimble fingers, pulling all my stuff together. I passed by the girl who worked with me. I had already told her of what was going on, so with one look she knew. She gave me a hug and told me good luck and that she'd let the boss know. I feigned as much of a smile as I could before grabbing my bag and darting out the door. The spring rains had come and currently it was pouring. I cursed under my breath, pulling my jacket hood over my head. Jumping into my truck, I slammed the key in and pulled out, whipping around and taking off. I drove fast, minding others and trying my best not to speed. It was hard not to with the panic racking me with irrationality and every muscle twitching nervously. I had raced these roads too many times for comfort. The only difference was that this time Karkat wasn't in the seat beside me. Even if it usually was because he was on the verge of not breathing, I couldn't help but feel it would be better than have him almost gone in a hospital bed. And my mind cracked every time I thought of that bed. Within he was probably lying almost gone with constricted breaths and painful whimpering.
The only thing that stopped my mind from spinning was the thought that I had to keep going. I had to drive. I had to move. I cursed red lights and the rain that began pattering my windshield. I kept flying through the streets, tires close to sliding against the slick roads. Only did I stop in the hospital parking lot as the break clicked and the tires came to a halt. I shifted the gear into park and unbuckled my seat belt. However, I still didn't move from my truck. My legs suddenly felt like stone. Like I had weights strapped to my ankles and lead in my worn out converse. I couldn't move. Fear broke my nerves. It ceased any movement in my muscles and it rendered me senseless. I didn't want to walk into that hospital. I wasn't sure if I could take what may come. The woman on the phone told me he might not have long, but I still just could not move. I wanted to run in there; hold him in my arms, telling him it would be okay. How could I feed him lies like that though? How could I walk in there, feigning a calm attitude and the ghost of a smile lying directly to him through my teeth? I didn't know it was going to be fine. How could I possibly know that? And that scared me even more. The uncertainty. What if it wasn't okay? What if it was already too late? What if he couldn't make it? What if. There were too many of those. Enough to make my head spin until I was ready to rip my hair out.
My hands clenched on the steering wheel, teeth gritting.
What if he was too far gone? Nothing could be done. He would be left with this- this sickness that they still did not know what was causing it.
Slowly, I scraped my feet across the floor board and pried my white hands from their death grip on the wheel. The door creaked open, flying back until it hit its end. It began to swing back, but I caught it with my foot before falling to the ground and slamming it behind me.
One thought alone kept me going.
I loved him.
Even if he was this sick, even if he was out of time; I loved him with all my heart. I wouldn't let him go without seeing his face again. I was scared shitless at that moment, but I needed to move. I needed to walk up into that hospital and see his face, hold his hand, tell him how I've felt for so long.
And so, my feet moved. I couldn't feel them, my legs had long gone numb, but I knew they were moving towards him. I was walking to the door, through the door, up at the counter. My voice came out saying words I couldn't hear. My heart was beating far too loud in my throat. The woman behind the counter, beautifully primped and a healthy glow surrounding her, nodded. She waved a hand for me to follow. As she led me down the hall, nothing but her figure and the blinding white passed my eyes. I didn't notice the other rooms this time. I didn't take note of the patients or their talking, coughing, and other extraneous noises. I couldn't think of anything but a few select things.
The thought of my heart beat.
The thought of white.
The thought of this woman.
The thought of my life slowly slipping out from my heels as I walked along the cold, tiled floor.
The thought of my best friend.
The thought of the man I loved.
The thought of Karkat.
Those were the only things I could manage to hold onto. They bellowed through my mind and left scars were other thoughts couldn't dare mend. But they were stopped. The woman's feet rested just before mine did. She stepped to the side and held out her hand, waving it into the door way. I moved in front of the door, but the only thing I saw was the doctor. He was standing at the foot of the bed, scribbling away on his clip board.
The woman cleared her throat with a fist up to her mouth before beckoning to him quietly. "Dr. Mr. Captor is here."
At first he didn't move, but he soon turned. His features twitched ever so slightly once he saw me. Stepping closer, he took of his glasses and placed them in the pocket of his lab coat.
"Mr. Captor-" he began in a quiet tone, but I cut him off quickly, equally as quiet.
"How is he?"
He paused, letting out a small sigh before rubbing the bridge of his nose between his thumb and fore finger.
"I will not lie to you, it's not good. Unfortunately, we still are not entirely sure what is causing this. However, his state is deteriorating rather quickly and the internal bleeding has risen to an alarming amount-"
I had been chewing at my cheek muscles jittering until the words flew out. "Can you fix it?" My voice was so weak and forced it made me cringe just at the sound.
"Maybe." He continued, glancing down at his clipboard. "That's the other reason I needed you here. Because Mr. and Mrs. Vantas are out of state, I needed to alert the next in line. Being his emergency contact if no one else, you needed to be here. Now then, in order to stop the bleeding and hopefully figure out the initial cause of this all, we need to perform surgery."
My eyes widened. Surgery
"We need to stop it and see if we can work all this out. Without it, he will have no chance of living. And it needs to happen now."
I paused, taking in as much of a breath as I could. "Can I see him first?"
The doctor eyed me for only a second before nodding. "Make it quick Mr. Captor. I'll be back in a bit to come and get him."
I nodded back, stepping out of the way. Once he was gone and passed, I stepped back into the small room. My heart throbbed and sank. Already, my throat was closing and my eyes were struggling to stay open as I saw him lying there. He was pale and shaking, hands clenched into balled fists around the thin sheets. His hair was stuck to his face from the sweat barreling down his flushed and burning cheeks. I walked over as my muscles began to tremble before I melted into the chair beside the bed. My hand grabbed his own, tearing in from the sheets and intertwining our fingers like I would never let go. He stirred a little before open his eyes just enough to see. They were glossy and bloodshot, red veins running straight into dilated black and brown eyes. Lips parted with cracks and a light film of dried blood and saliva opened but nothing other than a tired breath escaped. It croaked out, chest deflating heavily. My hand squeezed tighter and his tightened in response. He tilted his head more to the side, looking me straight in the eyes.
"So-" He began but a violent cough engulfed the words and forced them back into his throat.
He hunched his shoulders, now quaking with pain as blood ran down from the corner of his mouth. I wiped it away carefully with a tissue as he sunk back into the bed and breathed the tiny amounts he could. I could clearly hear how small his throat was and the way it hurt just to try and speak. I brought my other hand to his cheek and shooshed him until he stopped trying to speak.
"Just listen Karkat…" I forced out the most painful and insincere smile I ever had. "This may actually be easier if you don't talk."
His eyes cracked opened and he looked at me with all the intensity he could. I let out a shaking breath. I could feel my eyes welling up but nothing could be done to stop it now. Looking down at him, I couldn't stop all the emotion clouding my mind. My heart was pounding away in my chest as all my thoughts were erased except for his face.
"Karkat-" I broke off immediately, but he squeezed my hand lightly and nodded ever so slightly. "Karkat, you've been my best friend since middle school, and now… Now I can't tell you how much I love you. God, if only I could explain it. If I could tell you everything I feel when I see you. Everything I feel you disserve but that I can't give you. Tell you how many times I've been thankful that you put up with all my shit and never gave up. If only I could show you how much you mean to me. And I know I am being so sappy and cliché right now, but… but I can't help it. You mean the fucking world to me Karkat Vantas. You always have. Even if I haven't realized it until now, that doesn't mean you never were the only thing so important. I don't know what I would have done if you weren't my best friend. I went through a lot of fucked up stuff when we were younger, but you were always there. And now you're there for me more than ever. Oh, how can you live with me? I'm so pathetic and screwed up. And I've hurt you so many times… But you never left, did you?"
My head fell. I couldn't stop the tears now. They were streaming from my eyes, sliding down my cheeks and nose, and dripping to the floor. My muscles twitched as I tried my best to keep everything together.
I was failing miserably.
"No… You stayed right beside me. I didn't even realize I could care this much about one person. Dammit. You just took my heart and ran with it. You're an ass for that, you know?" A small, almost forced, chuckle escaped.
I opened my mouth to speak, but his hand slid out from mine and rose to brush a thumb across my cheek. I raised my head and opened watery eyes to find him smiling softly back at me. It wasn't much, but I knew it was there. Just then, he looked so tired; so weak. I wanted to give him all my strength. Let him have everything he needed. Even though I knew I couldn't, I wanted some miracle to happen and transfer all my life into him. I wished desperately to have him back the way he was. I didn't care if that meant he was pissed off and angry all the time- I loved his stubbornness even if everyone else hated it. I loved the way he would stomp around when he was angry, but as soon as you figured out what was wrong he would immediately break down into a pathetic mess. I loved those little looks he would give me that always looked angry but I couldn't help but see the loads of emotion and vulnerability in his eyes. I loved how affectionate he could be. Arms open and heart on his sleeve. I loved everything about him. I loved him.
Oh how much I fucking loved him.
And here I was. I was only able to pour every word I could form onto him and lean my head into his hand. As his thumb rubbed weakly against my cheek, I still couldn't stop from crying. And now he was too. This wasn't even the end necessarily, but I felt that if I never saw him again, this needed to be our last moment. I needed this to be the time that I told him everything. I needed to be completely open and explain all the things I felt for him. He needed to know. He disserved to know.
I placed my hand over his and smiled the best I could.
"Karkat, I will never be able to tell you how much I love you-"
"You don't have to…" He croaked out, his voice tremendously raspy and cracking. "I already know."
My eyes softened as I could see his lips trembling as the salty tears ran over them.
"Still. I need to tell you." My hand clasped over his, still on my cheek, but he just shook his head lightly.
"You don't. You've shown how much you care. And this isn't the end Sollux."
An obvious lie on his part. He knew he couldn't say that truthfully, but still he lied trying to calm both of us down.
I simply smiled that weak smile and twitched with a hitched breath. "You're a fucking terrible liar."
He tried to laugh, but it was quickly cut off with a cough. Once he recovered, he just gazed right back at me. "I know… But I can have hope, right? It's just surgery-" Just surgery, yeah right. "They'll fix this. I just know they will."
"But Karkat-"
His hand slid to cover my mouth. It was cold and clammy, but I didn't care right now. "Shh. Just let it happen, Sollux. It's going to be okay."
I nodded and he eventually let his hand fall back onto the bed. I moved my hand right back into his in a matter of seconds. "I will always love you Karkat. No matter what."
"Sollux…" He started but soon trailed off.
"What?"
"If I am to… not make it- I want… I want you to move on." I knew it pained him to say it, but he meant it. His eyes averted my own immediately. "Don't be afraid to be happy again. I wouldn't want you living life alone."
It took quite some time for me to respond, but finally, I nodded.
"If that's what you want I-"
"Excuse me." The voice of the doctor returned in the small room.
I quickly wiped my eyes before lifting my head. The smile that was resting ever so faintly on my face vanished instantly. His grave face didn't help things as he beckoned a hand.
"It's time." He continued quietly.
A few nurses came into the room and began unplugging machines and rapping tubes around a small stand. Karkat gave a final squeeze to my hand before letting go. I glanced down just before he waved me down. I leaned lower and he took my face in his hands. Feebly, he pulled my face down and forced our lips to meet. All the care for the other people in the room vanished as we shared that kiss. It was long but well needed. I placed my hands on both his cheeks as I felt the tears once again run down my face. I wasn't sure if they were his or mine, but at this point neither of us could spare the energy to care.
All too soon, he pulled away as his head fell back against the pillow. Hands slid from my face and that uncertain but all so surreal smile gracing his lips.
"I love you Sollux Captor." He whispered and just then, the bed began to move and he was being rolled out.
"I love you too Karkat Vantas." I replied quietly even if he couldn't hear it.
The doctor sent me one last glance before speaking his final words. "Just wait in the visitors room Mr. Captor. I will send someone to speak with you as soon as we are finished."
I merely nodded. I was all I could do. After waiting a countless amount, my feet drug across the tile floor. They took me back into the waiting room and over to a chair. I slid down, my head falling straight into my hands. Heels digging into my eyes, I tried to take deep breaths. It was the longest I had ever waited for anything. I could hear the clock ticking on the wall. I could see the people, but their voices were irrelevant. Only the clock and my heartbeat; my ears picked nothing else up. My heart hadn't left my throat since I had gotten there, and it wasn't about to escape now. It seemed to only crawl higher and leave me with a nauseous feeling and a sickening taste I my mouth.
But I waited.
I waited for so long. I lost count of the seconds- the minutes- the hours. I almost couldn't take the apprehension- the lack of patience- the ultimate fear lurking in the shadow of my thoughts. I knew my world would crash without him. He had made everything so much better, and now it was threatened. My love was being ripped away against either of our wills. I wanted to scream, but I had to keep it together. I wanted to cry again, but I knew I would only look pathetic. I would join the other masses of weeping people in the dammed building. This was supposed to be a place where people got better, but there was so much sickness and sadness. It was almost too much. If only I knew how bad it would get. I wished I could just fast forward and get it over with, but I also knew I couldn't get away. This day would haunt me no matter the outcome. If he was gone, if he was perfectly fine, either way I would forever be scarred by this fear in my chest. The fear of losing the person I cared about the most. Not being able to see his smile. Not being able to hold him in my arms and whisper sweet nothings into his hair that was perfectly aligned with my chest. I had so many fears. And they were all crashing against my sanity and forcing me into a state of sheer panic. But it seemed all of that vanished after I heard a voice. It must have been a couple of hours, but I finally heard a voice.
"Mr. Captor." It called, but I couldn't register it.
"Mr. Captor!" I repeated louder, and my head rose.
My eyes met those of the doctor. He was now in his light blue scrubs with a mask hanging loosely around his neck. Lastly processing who it was, I sprung to my feet.
"How is he?"
An immediate sigh and the dropping of features. He avoided the question completely for a minute. We stood in silence as he lulled over the words to say in his head.
"He…" He started, but cut himself off with another sigh. This could in no way be good.
"Is he…" I didn't want to say it, and thankfully I didn't have to for he quickly shook his head.
"No, he's alive." He looked back at me but merely frowned when I sighed in relief. "Mr. Captor, come with me."
He waved a hand as I followed in a daze of worry and confusion. He led me back to the same room and entered it. I came in after him, eyes widening and heart once again picking up to a loud thump. The monitor beeped with the measure of his heart, but he wasn't there. I could already tell he wasn't. Tubes coming from his mouth and nose connecting to another large machine with a bag that deflated and inflated with every heartbeat. IVs lined his arm and patched covered other parts with wires going out of sight. A bandage wound around his head forced the hair to stick out from underneath. I walked closer, my hand running up the sheet before eventually clasping his limp and heavy fingers.
"What's wrong?" I asked quietly, my eyes locked on his motionless features as his chest rose and fell in rhythm.
"We managed to stop the bleeding-" He shuffled papers before continuing. "We also discovered that an abnormal sist had ruptured somewhere in his lower abdomen, probably the cause of this all. Usually we would have been unable to remove the remnants and clean it up, but in this case we could do so with little trouble. Unfortunately something else went terribly wrong. For some reason that is still unexplainable, there was also unexpected bleeding in his brain. It was quite surprising for all of us. Before we knew it, he was already well into a hemorrhagic stroke. Thankfully, we managed to stop the bleeding because it was not too far gone. And yet-" He paused, obviously dreading the words he had to say. "We couldn't keep him stable. Even though the bleeding was stopped, his heart rate was rising too high and his blood pressure was dropping. So, in order to keep him from slipping we were forced to induce this coma like state. It keeps him stable and his heart functioning. Though, we also had to implement a breathing tube to make sure he never stopped taking breaths. We don't know if he will be able to survive without it. And with that comes the news I am dreading to tell you the most… Now Mr. Captor, we do not know how long he will stay like this. With the scare of his brain, it would be in too much risk to extract the tube. Thus, there is no way to tell when he could wake. It could be a few days, or- he may never wake up... We will keep him alive for as long as his family pays the bill. I'm sorry, but there is nothing more we can do."
My eyes widened, and my hand clenched around his before letting go completely. My arm fell to my side and I raised my listless gaze to the doctor. There was a long silence before he opened his mouth.
"Mr. Captor-"
"Thank you for all your work doctor. I am forever grateful." My voice was toneless. It lacked all emotion- even the ones that were rearing their heads in my mind.
With that, I turned without even a goodbye glance to Karkat's lifeless body. I couldn't look at it anymore. From there, I walked through the lobby and out the door, ignoring every sound and image flashing by my eyes. They were already glossy and locked on my parked truck in the lot. I climbed it, jammed the key in the slot, and revved the engine loud. I didn't look back, I didn't think about turning around. I just drove. I drove home without even a thought of regret. I couldn't stand to be in that room anymore. Not after hearing that. Hearing that he may never wake up. God, I had grown to hate that word so much. And now, I was sitting in the parking lot of my apartment. Rain was battering the window and I was still lightly wet from walking to my car. I pulled the key from the hole, but it immediately fell to the floor board. My hand had released it. Something washed over me. Maybe it was the reality of the situation, or maybe it had finally sunk in. Either way, I crumbled. At that moment, every wall built up came crashing down. They tumbled as the clouds of smoke from the rubble rose high into the dark, grey sky. My cheeks grew hot until they were soothed by the cool, salty tears. My jaw clenched with gritted teeth and my fingers dug into the steering wheel. I kept it in as harsh grunts until it was too much for even me to handle. It escaped.
I screamed.
My head slammed against the wheel and I screamed.
It was a scream of pain and hurt. The immense agony of my heart being ripped from my chest leaving every wound to fester in the rain.
I didn't feel any better even after the scream cracked into broken sobs and muffled cries. If anything I felt worse. I gave in to the weakness and let my emotions have complete control.
But I couldn't stop the tears anymore.
I just simply couldn't stop them.
So I let them fall like the rain outside my window.
They fell to the floor as the blood from my aching heart fell heavy in my veins.
This couldn't be the end.
I shouldn't hurt this much.
Why did he have to leave me like this?
Why couldn't live without him?
Why did I have to love him?
It was decided. Why it hurt so bad. Why I felt this way. Why I couldn't stand the thought of living without him. Why I couldn't move or do anything by wallow in my tears.
I knew exactly why.
I loved a one Karkat Vantas with all my heart and soul.
And that love would be the death of my sanity.
Alright guys sorry that took so long! Goodness so many words in one chapter! Anyway, I had fun in New York and now that I'm back , I can start writing again. So no, this is NOT the end. There will be more chapters. I'm not sure how many, but I'm just letting you know this isn't the end. Now, I will gladly leave with all your hearts :)