Part Thirty Seven
Ranger laid next to me completely in his zone. He didn't respond to me, and I felt little pieces of my heart breaking with each passing second. How can this man know what I need, but have no clue about my emotional needs? I didn't notice the stupid tears that were leaking out until Ranger wiped one off my cheek.
"Babe." his pained voice filled my ear as he pulled me into his arms.
"Ranger." I sniffled out. Trying desperately to hold everything in.
"Please buckle your seat belts, we'll be making our final approach for landing." The pilot's voice crackled out of the speakers.
I took a deep breath and was going to ask for my crutches when Ranger scooped me up and we returned to our seats.
"Babe, how about we continue this later?"
"Ranger, what's the point?" I lashed out, still hurt, not understanding everything I've learned over the last few weeks. I kept my eyes on the wings of the plane. Nothing fit together. I guess he really does suck at relationships. As pathetic as my relationship skills are, I'm a champion compared to him.
Ranger whispered softly "Just wait till we're alone again."
I looked at him, unshed tears in my eyes, and his face looked blank, but his eyes were concerned and soft. "Only if you talk. Otherwise I'm done." I said throat tight but meaning every word.
Ranger just nodded and the pilot emerged from the cockpit and spoke to Ranger in Spanish. Ranger shook his hand and came to help me out of the plane. Navigating the steps out was hard on crutches. The pilot was walking toward some buildings off in the distance, and I noticed two men unloading our luggage bags into a black car. Figures. I was looking at the steps leading out of the plane, and hesitated. Ranger picked me and my crutches up, carried me off the plane, then sat me in the vehicle's passenger seat. He put my crutches away, then went to tend to the other men who unloaded our luggage. I laid my head back and tried to regain control of my fragile emotions. I needed to clear my mind so I could concentrate on helping find our grandmothers.
After making arrangements for the pilot to wait to fly the four of us back, I helped Stephanie off the plane. She looked pale and I could see her struggling to not cry. I tipped the porters and asked about local restaurants. Stephanie would be hungry by now.
Maybe it would buy me some time to figure out how to explain myself.
I had every intention to tell her I love her but stumbled on expressing it. She had me with the planning part. I do have a mental picture of us growing old together. How can I rob her of her future though? She doesn't realize what it would be like to be with me. Could she accept the restrictions? Would she be happy with what I'm able to offer her?
I climbed into the driver's side and turned to ask about dinner, and found Stephanie asleep. Sleep, her drug of choice.
I decided to let her sleep while I picked up dinner. Then we could attempt to talk again. I placed Stephanie in the hotel room, and left a note while I went out.
I picked up dinner and made it back before she woke up. I decided to undress her, so she'd be more comfortable. As I pulled off her pants, I noticed a piece of paper sticking out of her pocket. I plucked it out, and recognized my Abuela's handwriting. Where did she get this? I could check it out while I waited for her to wake up.
I checked out the information on the paper, and once again her luck hit the jackpot. I knew where they were.
I cracked my eyes open, and realized I didn't know where I was, once again. This was getting old. I noticed I was in one of Ranger's t-shirts, my bra and panties. There was a faint aroma of something wonderful.
I hobbled to the bathroom and then found Ranger waiting in the living room. I'd guess we were at a hotel.
"We are, but we'll be leaving in the morning." Ranger answered without looking at me. He was sitting on the couch with his laptop. I noticed the take out dishes and wondered what he picked up.
"Hungry?"
"Yeah." I responded, still hurt from conversation earlier.
Ranger picked up the food and took it to a microwave. When the timer went off, he carried the dishes over to me, while I was looking at what he was reading.
The page was a reservation conformation. "Mr and Mrs Manoso?" I read out loud.
"They only had one room left." Ranger said, handing me a plate of food.
"Poulet boucane." He said, as if that explained what he was feeding me.
"Chicken babe, you'll like it. They cook it over sugar." I eyed what he was eating, and he offered me a bite.
"What is it?" It looked good, but Ranger's tastes were questionable.
"Spicy Jerk Chicken."
I took a bite and smiled. His food was good, I decided to try what he got for me. It was good too. It was sweet, but just a hint and the grilled chicken was so tender. I was munching away, when I looked at Ranger. He was watching me, so I returned the favor and offered him a bite of mine.
He just shook his head. Must be a temple day. I returned to my food, pushing aside everything else for now. I wasn't avoiding anything, a girl's gotta eat.
Soon my food was gone, and I could feel Ranger's gaze. "I guess you want to continue?"
"You're essential, I just don't know what to do."
"I'm essential. What does that mean? How can I be essential if you can push yourself away? That just doesn't make any sense."
"You're important. I want you, but it isn't safe."
"How does that make me essential?"
Ranger didn't answer me. My chest hurt and I was sniffling, biting my cheek, blinking rapidly trying to regain my composure. Well, I guess I tried. Right? Some things are not meant to be. I began collecting our trash. Not that I could throw it away having to use crutches.
"You bring light." he finally said, but sounded pained in admitting it.
"Is that a bad thing?" Shouldn't that make me a good thing?
Ranger scooped me up again and took me to the bed again. And I thought I was the person who liked to think in bed. Ranger liked to do everything in bed. That made me flush, and Ranger's face morphed into the wolf grin.
"That's a better plan than I had." And he went to kiss me, but I rolled to avoid it. I couldn't go there. It would hurt too much.
Ranger went still, and just laid on his back. "I was just joking."
"Well, are we going to do this, or what?" I was getting defensive, still to raw from our last round.
"Your right, I've thought about us having a future together. Problem is, there is what I want to give you, and what I can give you. Your safety is more important."
"You keep talking about safety. When is the last time someone tried to kill you? If anything, I'm more of a hazard than you are. As we speak, somewhere in Trenton there is a psycho planning on hurting me. How many enemies are after you right now? Or is it because people are always after me?"
"Never. I'll always have your back. I don't want you hurt and I'll never be what you need."
We weren't getting anywhere, in fact, things were deteriorating. "Ranger, you need to explain to me what you're talking about. I don't see how you can bring any extra danger to me. Then, you can ask me what I need instead of deciding for me. Or we're done here."
In preparation for my getaway, I picked up my crutches and held them. My heart was attempting to escape my chest, and I glanced at Ranger but his face was blank. "Well, this has been … a waste of time." I finally added, lifting myself from the couch and hobbling toward the living room. I could sleep on the couch.
I didn't get very far, before Ranger picked me up, causing my crutches to fall to the floor again. I was struggling to get free, but it was futile.
"Can't you give me time to think?" Ranger said harshly.
"Well, how was I supposed to know you were thinking? You had on that damned blank face again!"
"Will you listen?" He asked. I nodded, because it wasn't like I had a way to escape.
After settling us back on the bed, facing one another, Ranger began explaining his life, eliminating most of the specific details. He told me about how he worked on government contracts, the old mercenary work, and that he'd made too many enemies to keep track of, even with his networks. They hadn't pursued him lately, but it was always going to be a risk. Anyone close to him could be a potential target.
"Don't you deserve some happiness?" it seemed like he was punishing himself.
Ranger did the nose breathing again. I guess my questions were pushing him.
"Physical danger isn't my only concern. You remember how the Ramos thing happened? Where I was picked as scapegoat because I was an easy target? I still do some work that can piss off people, and it's not fair for me to ask you to put your life on hold, make you miss out on things you deserve. You'll make someone a great wife, and when you want , a loving mother. I can't offer you those things."
"You think I want kids?" Ha, in my mother's dreams.
"You show the classic signs. You get this look, and I can tell your thinking about kids. Remember Boo?"
"Boo... the dog? I was just worried because he was helpless and stolen. I didn't know he was the devil in disguise. If you remember, you offered to get me pregnant, and I turned you down. I'm not sure I ever want kids. Just thinking about them freaks me out. But I also refuse to say never. Hell, I could want one, someday, but I doubt it."
"Devil in disguise?"
I explained all about Boo the destructo dog. Ranger smiled when I told him we added it to the hotel charges. And Vinnie had to pay for the repairs. "He's worse than Bob."
"Is safety the only reason you refuse to ever have children? Why you keep your distance from Julie?"
Ranger nodded. "Don't you realize it doesn't work?"
"I made the mistake by not keeping my distance, and Scrog was able to hurt her."
"No wonder God made mother's the nurturing type. Men don't get it. Children need to be loved, and cared for. You'll never be able to keep her physically safe one hundred percent of the time, but keeping your emotional distance will hurt her. Healthy relationships with your parents are just as important to her development."
"Babe?"
"Connie has been watching Dr Phil and Oprah in the office." I blushed. But I also agreed with them. "Sometimes, doing your best and loving them is more important than anything else. Teaching her to protect herself is better than having six twenty four hour guards."
"She email you and complain too?" I nodded yep. Julie wasn't happy about her guards scaring away her first crush.
"Answer this for me. How is it that world leaders, political reformers and many other people who have crazy enemies have children and are able to keep them safe, but You, with the whole Merry Men Army, don't think you can. I bet with some safety rules, you'd be able to have a family and keep them safe."
"You sure you don't want me to help you with that biological clock?" Ranger grinned at me, and I was about to freak, but picked up something.
"You're changing the subject. Ohmygod, why didn't I realize that's what you were doing?" The blank face came back, and I knew I hit the bulls eye. I should've picked up his distraction technique, after all, I'm the queen of denial and avoidance.
"If it makes you that uncomfortable you don't have to answer that question. My point really was to show you that you can make compromises if you want something bad enough."
"Like us?"
Ok, he got me that time. So I nodded. "Get two pieces of paper." I knew he kept notepads in his laptop carrying bag.
He brought two sheets and two pens back. Figures he'd know. "Ok, Mr. Mercenary Business Man. We'll try this your way, since we are going in circles here. We'll both write down the things we need, and want. Then, we'll see if we can work out a compromise. That is, if you're interested."
"Deal, but its getting late, and our boat leaves at six in the morning."
"Boat! Six in the morning!"
"When were you going to show me that paper in pocket of your jeans?" Oh shit I forgot. "Sorry, I forgot all about it after sleeping and our argument. I was going to share it. How'd you find it anyway?"
"When I changed you, I noticed it tucked in your pants. Had extra time, so I checked it out while you slept."
"Ok, what was it?"
"Reservation information for the boat company. Our grandmothers are staying on a private island only accessible by boat. We have reservations on the morning boat to the island, and I've booked a room as cover to collect them."
"That's the Mr. and Mrs. Manoso stuff I saw?"
"I know who works on the island, and they would've refused the reservation for Marc Pardo. My grandmother will be notified I'm on my way, but it was the only way to get them to send a boat."
"Well, I'm going to shower and get ready for bed. You better find doughnuts if I have to wake up that early."
"And the Relationship Deal?"
"No way can we discuss it with Grandma Mazur around tomorrow. It would be all over the burg."
"Agreed, we'll review the deal negotiations when we return to Trenton."
Hey, I can negotiate with the best of them. Only with Ranger would anyone have to work on a relationship as a treaty. Well if that what it takes to figure this out, so be it. Maybe we should ask the United Nations for a team of mediators.
Ranger retrieved my crutches and I claimed the bathroom first. He said he wanted to finish some other work. Fine by me, except the tub was very small, and the shower wouldn't work. In order to keep the stitches dry, I'd have to be away from the faucet, and they didn't have a spray washer here. I undressed, and was struggling to get into the tub, I was attempting to keep my leg up, and put my hair by the faucet to wash it. My plan wasn't working and I must have been louder than I thought because Ranger opened the door, and found me naked, trying to slip into the tub.
"Need help?" he asked, taking the opportunity to thoroughly inspect me. My nipples contracted under his scrutiny . I claimed it was because of the open door, it had nothing to do with him. I'm not sure I played that cool. Ranger may have been on to me. Traitorous body.
"Uh…"
Ranger disappeared and returned with a pillow from the couch. He set it on the counter, and picked me up. He set me into the tub away from the faucet, and propped my leg on the throw pillow.
He set me so that my hair could be lowered near the water, I propped my good leg against the wall for comfort, and Ranger kept staring at it. His hands clenched, and he suddenly became all business. He helped wash my hair. I held myself up with by propping up on my elbows while he washed my hair. Every movement he made was making heat rush through my body, and I wished I could do casual sex. I could really use an orgasm. Damn leg, damn hormones, damn sexy Ranger.
Some water flowed between my breasts to my carefully manicured patch. Bringing warmth and making my hard nipples even more achy. My inner walls clenched, wishing something else was traveling along that path.
When it happened again, I couldn't suppress the moan. And Ranger growled. Next thing I knew I was pinned against the wall, and the wolf was hungrily devouring my mouth. As things became more and more heated, I was thinking, maybe just this one time. It wasn't as if we'd realized we wouldn't work out. Maybe we should make sure were still compatible. Hey, it could change.
I must have been lost because as Ranger was working south, He asked me a question but I couldn't think. He had my breast in his mouth, and his tongue was flicking against my sensitive nipples.
"Babe?"
"Huh?" I finally said as he released my nipples. And my brain began trying to return to normal functions.
"Are you still on the pill?"
My eyes grew wide, and shook my head. How did he know I tried that? It didn't work out, partly because I'd forget them sometimes. After a trip to the doctor when it caused me to miss my period again, I changed methods. Joe and I still always used condoms. My current back up protection had been used to decorate my window. "I'd been trying the patches but the psycho destroyed them. I haven't had the chance to visit the doctor to replace them." I regrettably answered. Damn, I knew I'd forgotten something.
Ranger began swearing in Spanish. "What?" I finally asked. I couldn't understand what he was saying.
"One time I don't have anything with me. Fucking one time, and by the time I go get something, you'll have changed your mind." He placed his forehead again the wall. The movement made his arousal press against my stomach. I involuntarily wiggled, but his hands stopped me.
He lowered me down near the counter and my crutches and left the room without saying anything. I realized how close I'd been to sleeping with Ranger again. Fuck ,we needed to hurry up and figure things out before we got out of control. I quickly dried off, and got dressed. I found Ranger sitting on the bed, and he immediately went into the bathroom when I vacated it. Seconds later the shower turned on. He'd gotten the bed ready, and I slipped in. I felt bad for letting things get out of control.
I waited for Ranger's return so I could apologize. I wish I could say I wouldn't change my mind, but we both knew I'd talk myself out of it. Hell, I did that as soon as he left the bathroom. When he emerged he was wearing the black silk boxers. He slipped into bed and pulled me to him. I began trying to apologize, but he interrupted me.
"We need to watch things until we finish talking. My control isn't indissoluble. Let's get some sleep."
"I'm sorry too, good night Ranger." And I drifted off into a deep sleep, ignoring my disappointed hormones.