CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX

Alexis hadn't meant to react to Sonny's grip on her wrist. She'd actually managed to forget about Ric's harsh handling of her until Sonny had accidentally touched the very spot where Ric had hurt her and an involuntary whisper of pain escaped her lips. As soon as it happened, her heart sank, because she knew his past, and more importantly, she knew him. So it was no real surprise to see the burning rage that suddenly kindled and flared into his gaze. And just like days of old, her first instinct was to protect him. His reaction wasn't all about her, and that made him twice as dangerous. Her mind raced frantically to find a way to stop him.

She reached out to touch him, to reach him; and the look he turned on her told spoke volumes; Sonny's childhood pain blazed in his eyes and fueled his anger.

When he spoke, his voice was think with rage. "He needs to learn that he can't put his hands on you! No man will ever put his hands on a woman I ...I...care about ever again! Not now, not ever...He needs to..."

Her voice, soft and quiet, interrupted him. "What if I need you more?"

The silence between was electric. Sonny stared at her, for a moment not knowing what to say. His heart beat heavily in his chest as his mind took in what Alexis had asked.

When he found his voice, his words came out husky and low. "What do you need, Alexis?"

She fell quiet for a moment. "A friend." she said at long last. ""Someone to depend on. Someone I can trust. I haven't had that for a very long time."

And he was one of the reasons why. Sonny felt the shame and the pain of that all the way down to the bottom of his soul.

He was surprised at the unexpected touch of her hand on his. And more than surprised, he was stunned at her next words. Alexis was apologizing... to him.

"I'm sorry." she said. And inside, she was; Alexis didn't want to hurt him, but she knew her words to be true. And even more importantly, she knew that as hurtful as her words might be, what she was saying would reach him. "I didn't mean that the way it sounded, I mean it wasn't meant as an accusation or as if I was trying to blame you...or anybody. In fact, the truth is, that was just me feeling sorry for myself..." Alexis knew she was starting to ramble, but something about the look that had suddenly shadowed Sonny's eyes, the pain and shame that her words had evoked had rattled something deep inside of her as well.

"Is that why what happened ...happened?" he gestured with one hand, and Alexis knew he meant her marriage with Ric, the loss of their friendship...the loss of them...

It was too late to start casting blame around, though. What would be the point? She'd fought that battle in her mind a thousand times and was suddenly too tired to do it again. It wasn't fair... too much was happening, too much felt like old times. And the music wasn't helping... because without her quite noticing when, the music had begun again and the liquid notes pouring faintly through the glass doors were soft and melancholy and sounded much too much like the tears she cried too many times, too many nights...

"Life happens, Sonny." She said at last. "Life happens whether we want it to or not, and life goes the way it goes, in spite of what we think or plan."

"Do you think things between us were supposed to end the way they did?" Sonny fell silent again; he hadn't meant to speak his thoughts aloud, but the truth in her voice had forced the same from him.

We weren't supposed to end at all! I wanted to say. But even after all this time, believe or not, Alexis' heart was still too raw from that pain, even after all these years, to face that truth. This was something I hadn't counted on. Instead of releasing the love she had for Sonny, or in addition to forcing her to face the fact that their feelings were still there, what had happened, was that his actions had ripped off a scab on her heart. And the pain was as fresh and real as if the pain had happened yesterday. I could feel her backing away even now. She hadn't expected this – not in her wildest dreams. She never thought she'd be standing in the moonlight with the man she'd once loved. And especially not the way he was looking at her now. "I...I don't know how to answer that."

With him standing so close, with the memory of the kiss they'd just shared still fresh in her mind, Alexis found that her mind refused to work, she couldn't seem to get herself under control. Too many memories were crashing down on her, too many emotions, too much conflict, too much of the love she'd allowed herself to feel – and too much if the hurt that had come from that decision... Alexis kept her eyes away from Sonny and on the shadowed skyline instead, unable and unwilling to look at him. The sound of his voice was enough; if she looked at him, she'd be lost all over again, the way she was that night– she knew it. And no way was she ready for that.

And all of a sudden, I wasn't too sure of my ability to handle it either...

"I think what happened just did." That kiss had asked and answered a lot. But even as he spoke the words, something in him stopped him from pressing the point. Sonny could feel her pulling away – not physically – she didn't move a muscle. But something else had changed, something inside of her was pulling away.

It came to him suddenly, why.

She was afraid to trust her heart to him again. And how could he blame her when he had broken it so completely before? Sonny knew he could tell her what was in his heart right here and right now, he could pull her back into his arms and force her, with a kiss, to admit that what he was suddenly feeling wasn't just one-sided, that she had felt everything that he had, but he didn't.

And why? Because but even if she wouldn't, couldn't admit it, Alexis would be too afraid inside to admit it. Tonight had shown him that their connection was still there. But there were still walls up around her heart. Walls that in large part, he was responsible for building. And if he wanted to have any chance at all at tearing those walls down, then he'd have to show Alexis that his words were more than that. Words were all he'd given her before.

And that was something he was going to have to change. The world had come between them. Life had happened. Both of them had made so many missteps, so many mistakes. So many things had happened, so many things had gone wrong. Who was more at fault didn't matter anymore, did it? They had both made mistakes, but here they were. And what was he going to do about that?

He was going to keep his word, even if Alexis knew nothing about the promise that he'd made to himself. Sonny was going to be the man that Alexis needed. No matter what.

Even though everything in him wanted to tell her that he wanted her, he knew that Alexis wasn't ready to hear it. And that was okay. For tonight. If what he was feeling was real and right, then he had to let her go for a little while. And if that meant backing off , then that's what he would do.

And as much as it might hurt him today, he had to keep his eyes on the prize. He laughed to himself a final time. Sonny was used to being patient to get what he wanted in business, he could do it again. For Alexis.

For them.