Chapter 36

SPOV

"Oh Babe, I had no idea he'd done that to you, why wasn't he arrested?"

"My mother found out about it from neighbors who'd seen what he'd written around town she said it was my fault, that I asked for it and that I got what I deserved. She grounded me for the whole of the summer and anyway Morelli left Trenton the next day to join the navy"

"But you were only fifteen and he took something very precious from you"

"I know, I blocked it from my head thinking that what had really happened wasn't as bad, I only remembered exactly what he'd done today, when he started getting angry and walked toward me, seeing his eyes looking at me, it was the same as he'd been all those years ago and then it was like a movie playing slowly in my head. Maybe withdrawing from those drugs has made me remember more than I want to"

"The dreams last night?"

"Kramer attacking me and then Logan, Hugo and Morelli all trying to make me do something that I didn't want to do"

"Babe, look at me"

I turned my head to look up at him; he'd probably be disgusted with me, ashamed to be associated with me. Who would want to be with someone who'd been raped even I was disgusted with myself and didn't like me. What I saw wasn't what I expected; he seemed concerned and even guilty? Why on earth would he feel guilty?

"Babe I am so sorry for pushing you to him, I thought he was a decent guy that would be good for you"

"No I went back, I don't know why I kept going back, maybe I deserved it, maybe I thought he was the only one who could love me because of what he'd done"

"Don't think that, you deserve so much more, someone whom you can love and will love you for the person you are"

"Well that's not going to happen"

I think I was getting mad at him now, how can he look at me and say that when it's him that I love but he doesn't love me, all right maybe in his own way with all the crap he spouts about conditions. I rolled out of the bed, wiping my face with my hands forcing myself to stop crying and building my anger up inside, I was so annoyed, how dare he, how can he say that to me while holding me and supporting me. I started to pace the floor in front of the bed.'
"Babe?"

"Don't you Babe me"

I went into the closet and finding any clothes that seemed to be for me started to throw them on the bed, then I went for the shoes. There was something so cathartic about throwing things, and throwing them hard. I felt him trying to turn me without hurting me but that only made me angrier.

"Stop with the talks Ranger, what do you know, you always have the right answer, you always know what's best for me, well you don't and you can't even see it, you show up and then disappear you kiss me and then ignore me, you're a friend one day a lover the next and then you have the nerve to say I'm entertainment, you're laughable, you're always in control, well you can't control me or how I feel or who I should love or not love as the case may be, because it's you I love, not some hypothetical man that you think might be good for me, who would make me happy or whisk me away"

I'd ran out of steam, ran out of words to say and knew I'd just opened my heart up so was now bracing myself for the fall out. I felt all the anger I'd built up ebb away and lent back against the wall of the closet looking down to the floor, tears on the brink of falling. What happened next took my breath away, literally, Ranger pushed me up against the back wall of the closet and plunged his tongue into my mouth, I couldn't resist the absolute feral emotion that overtook me and willingly allowed him to push his body against mine, oh god what was he trying to do to me? As we came up for breath he took my face in his hands holding me so I had to look into the blackness that now consumed his eyes.

"Tell me again"

Tell him what? That he's always right, that he always has the right answer?

"You always have the right answer?"

"No"

"You're a friend one day"

"No"

"I'm entertainment"

"No"

"You're always in control"
"Try again, say it again"

Each time he replied his voice became louder and more intense, oh god, did he want me to tell him I loved him? He'd obviously heard it the first time so I couldn't make myself look more of a fool than I already had, so in a very quiet voice I repeated what I'd said.

"Because it's you I love"

"Louder, say it louder"

"I love you"

His lips came down on mine but this time it was slow and languid with so much feeling, I returned the kiss trying to show in that intimate gesture that yes I did love him, more than I thought.
"Babe I love you so much it hurts, I thought I'd lost you to Morelli so I tried to back off, then when you disappeared, I never knew it would hurt so much, that I would yearn to be with you"

I looked up into his eyes and could honestly say that the expression I saw was totally new to me. I frowned, was it another tactic for him to get me into bed? For him to leave in the morning and never come back, or to say that a condom would be better than a ring?

"No Babe, I have no excuses or stupid things to say to you. I wasn't in a position to truly love you how you deserved to be loved, I hated leaving you when I went in the wind and the idea of never coming home to you tore my heart apart. I want our someday Babe, you and me"

He held me so close to him I could feel the beat of his heart next to mine, had I heard him right? Did he really love me or was he just trying to make me feel better?

"Babe, I meant what I said, I know I've sent you mixed messages and I'm truly sorry for that. Te amo mi amor con todo lo que soy"

As I opened my mouth to respond I heard banging on the door and then voices getting closer.

"Shit Bobby where the hell is she?"

"I don't know, but I'm really worried about her"

"Ah hell, if he's throwing her out the mats won't be good enough for him"

"Shit, did she leave the building?

I had to bury my face into Ranger's chest to stifle the laugh that was threatening to erupt; wow the guys were really worried about me, enough that they would have a go at Ranger? Ranger turned and with me totally wrapped into his body we emerged from the closet. I know I was smiling but couldn't see the expression on Ranger's face; Lester was talking on his phone with Bobby looking on when Lester suddenly saw us. His expression was one of shock, then amazement then he shook his head as he remembered that someone was waiting for him to finish his sentence on the other end of his phone.

"Err, cancel that, situation under control"

"Santos since when did you have the right to barge into my apartment and especially my bedroom?"

"I, we were worried for Beautiful and with what happened with Morelli downstairs and thought maybe she needed help. But it's okay, I can see she's fine so I'll just leave. You're not throwing her out are you?"

"No Santos I am not"
"Bomber are you okay?"

I nodded my head at Bobby and watched as the two men almost ran out of the room and then out of the apartment closing the doors behind them and then burst out laughing as I came to realize what they thought had happened.

"It's good to hear you laugh"

"Well maybe now I have something to laugh about"

I moved away from Ranger and started to pick up the shoes I'd thrown around the room.

"Come on Babe, we need to talk"

I dropped the shoe I was holding and just stared at him, surely he wasn't going to take back everything and qualify what he'd said. As I stood there he came up to me and with his hands on my cheek lightly kissed my lips.

"No Babe, this is for keeps, no qualifiers, wer'e in this together"