Note: Last half written while half-asleep. Beta'd while 70 percent asleep. Sorry. About this chapter… I thought it was only fair to give Sora a background chapter, especially after he left to visit his hometown. Also, sorry for the constant mood whiplash.

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Chapter 38

(Riku's POV)

"Now that I'm leaving," I say to Mr. Hart the night after my eighteenth birthday, the night before I move out. "You won't have anyone to give impromptu drug tests to. How are you going to cope?"

"I've still got one kid left." He replies with a grin.

Sora went to bed an hour ago, so it's just Mr. Hart and I at the dinner table. I don't mind… I'd like time to say goodbye, to talk to him. Tomorrow will be for Sora.

"When I first came to live here… you offered to adopt me."

"I remember."

"I wish you had." I admit. I wish I could have been a part of this family more. God, I've longed for this.

"It's better that I didn't," He says, taking a sip of his coffee. "Things worked out just fine, didn't they?"

"…Yeah. They did."

"I just wished I hadn't pushed you so hard. I was overbearing because I thought that's what you needed, but I only made the both of us uncomfortable…" He grins. "I guess growing up with three sisters does that to you."

"No, it's okay. It all… it worked out." And with that, I excuse myself to bed.

Of course I'm distressed the day I leave. The sight of Sora finally giving in to the pain I know he's been feeling and sobbing into my chest before I go is almost too much to bear. It almost gives me second thoughts.
But I just kiss him and tell him he can visit me and call me whenever he wants. That I love him so much I can't really believe it myself. That I'll miss seeing him first thing every morning.

Then I drive away.

In typical movie fashion, he runs down the street, waving, until I disappear from view.

But I feel no doubt.

The apartment's in even worse shape than I remembered and I'm farther from Mr. Hart's than I knew.

Oh well.

At least I'm on my own. And Mr. Hart was kind enough to give me a shitload of money to fix this place up, a "birthday present", and I plan to start on the project right away. Besides, I know better than to refuse Mr. Hart's lavish gifts, especially when he's in "care-for-my-surrogate-son" mode.

The first thing I do is paint the place. I use shades of pale yellows, purples, greens because… why not? They're supposedly calming and God knows I could use that. The walls certainly look… interesting by the time I'm done, and I know I spent more nights at Zach's than necessary while waiting for it to dry. But I'm happy with the finished project. It's different, it's cool, it's unconventional. It's me.

Next, a new mattress. Bed sheets. A bed spread I jacked from Mr. Hart's. Silverware, glasses, plates, bowls I received as housewarming gifts from the family and I'm grateful for it. I buy tables and chairs and vanity things-- a cheap TV I will never watch and a used DVD player to go with it, things to hang on the walls.

A few days later, when it's all over and done with, I have a small home that actually looks like someone lives here.

That I live here.

I call Sora right away. And… he's not there. I turn on my laptop and log into IM, something I normally don't use. He's mobile. Do I really want to bother him?

Hello? I type. He says hi almost immediately. I ask how he is; he says he's great.

How quickly life moves on without me.

-

Classes start sooner than they should, and I quickly adjust to this new schedule. The work is hard but fun, and for the most part, I fit in. I find myself attracted to this photography student named Naminé. She's quiet, smart, quick, is always sketching and jotting down ideas. She likes to say that photography is her passion, but drawing is her compulsion… I like her the moment I meet her.

But there's one thing.

Her uncle is Marluxia.

She spent most of her life living with him and was surrounded by the same environment I was attracted to so much when I was seventeen. She never used, but she was still hurt by it. That helps seal our bond, to say the least. We share the last class of the day, and each day I walk her to her car before locating mine and heading home.

Tonight, I'm not hungry even after night falls so I make toast and rice and sit in front of the TV. I guess this isn't the most healthy dinner, but what do you do?

I'm half-involved in some cop show rerun when the phone rings, scaring the shit out of me. I had no idea that the ring tone was going to be so high pitched… no wonder I got it so cheap.

"Hello?"

"Riku?" It's Sora! I try not to sound as pathetically thrilled as I am.

"Hey."

"So… how is it?"

"What, over here? It's going alright."

"That's good… um, everything here is good, too."

"Good." I say. Then I realize just how much we've been saying that word and have to change my answer. "That's nice. So how is…" Mr. Hart? Dad? That's my eternal struggle…

"Dad's fine. I'm fine. We're all--" His voice catches. He sighs.

"You okay?"

"Mm-hmm."

"I miss you, you know." No response. "You there? Sora?"

"Yeah."

"What's the matter?"

"Nothing," He says, leading us into another harsh silence. "It's just… weird. School just started, so I'm a senior now. I can't believe it. I'm taking advanced classes… but I don't know why. It's really hard." He lets out a gentle laugh. "I'm already stressed. I feel so inadequate with all of these really, really smart kids… And I actually fought with Roxas yesterday. We've never… not gotten along. And all of this is going on while you're not here. I'm still adjusting to not having anyone to talk to."

"You can still talk to me, Sora."

"I know. But it's not the same."

"I know."

"I just… I want us to be together."

"…I know."

-

The following weekend, Sora comes to visit. It's Friday today and I'm fortunate enough to have him till Sunday. Mr. Hart is gone for a business trip, anyway. I hear a knock on the door at around four o'clock and fumble with the lock before letting him in. We walk over to the couch and sit in silence.

"Hi." He finally says.

"Hi."

"I really… I like this a lot." He says, vaguely motioning behind him. "You fixed this place up really nice."

"You don't even know what it looked like before."
He shrugs, grinning sheepishly.

"It was nothing like this, am I right?"

I roll my eyes and shake my head, grinning.

"Right."

He laughs, putting his hands on the back of his head, scratches. Rubs his neck. Nervous habit. Is he nervous around me? "So…"

"Yeah."

He laughs again.

"You and Roxas ever make up?"

"Yeah, a long time ago." His face brightens a little, but whether it's because I remembered their fight and thought to ask or because Roxas has been brought up, I don't know. I swear, he loves that brat more than he loves me.

"That's good."

"How's school?" He asks, suddenly perky.

"It's good. I like the atmosphere."

"You're enjoying it."

"Yeah. It's much better than high school. High school… doesn't really matter. It's made into a bigger deal than it really is."

"That's a relief." He chirps.

"How's school for you?"

He sighs loudly. "Hard. I might drop out."

"…What??" I stammer.

"Into easier classes!" He backtracks, explaining himself quickly. "I'm in full advanced placement and I think it's more work than what I can handle."

"Christ, Sora," I sigh. "You scared me." Sora grins and shrugs.

"It's kinda funny, you know? Back with Mom, I was hardly managing C's and D's because I just didn't understand the material. Now… I've been getting straight A's and I'm doing well enough this year, too, and the material is much harder. It's not… too hard, but the workload is ridiculously heavy. That's all."

I shrug now. "Do whatever works for you." He's way too lazy to be in classes with a heavy workload; when I tutored him and helped him study for tests our first year back, I really ended up doing most of the work. When I look up, he's smiling. "What?"

"Nothing. I just love you." …Um, alright. "To be honest… I'm really surprised I even made it this far. It's like… my life started normally enough, you know? But then it was all crazy and… it's normal again. I like it."

"No." I say quietly. "I don't know." It's occurred to me several times that I don't know my boyfriend as well as he knows me. I've never prodded him about his own past.

"…Oh. Huh." He clicks his tongue once and lays his head against the armrest, scooting his body forward. "Well, I had a fairly functioning family until Dad left. Dad and Mom fought all the time, for as long as I can remember. My mom was drinking then, though not a lot. I think that's what they fought about… but they fought about a lot of stuff. Money, her drinking… me. Then suddenly, without warning… Dad was gone. And when he left, things really started to fall apart.

My mom started bringing home all these creepy guys, and she'd be like, 'Oh, this is your Dad now', every week. And I was about seven or eight, so it really messed with my head. The first guy she brought home was great… he was funny and paid a lot of attention to me. Really, really nice guy. I was absolutely crushed when he and Mom broke up."

He looks up at me briefly. "I talked to my mom about it when I went back there... She said he was some sort of pedophile. I guess that says it all right there, huh? The guys after that weren't a whole lot better. A lot of the guys who weren't total losers didn't even give my mom a real chance when they found out that she was a parent. So she ended up with a lot of drunks and jerks. I'm just lucky that neither of us were horrendously abused or anything. 'Cept… my mom didn't see it that way. She started blaming me for the… quality of the guys she dated, for Dad leaving, why she worked so hard --which she didn't, by the way, half the time she left her job early to go out drinking-- and why she drank in the first place. I threw myself into school work to get away, at the start."

"Me too," I say. "It doesn't work."

"No," He agrees. "It doesn't."

"You gave up."

"Very, very quickly." He admits with a laugh. "It wasn't really worth it. School got hard for me really early on and I kind of… I mean, I tried, but I just don't… get things. I understand people, not textbooks."

"I know that," I reply softly. He looks up at me briefly and smiles.

"So… for a long time it was just me and my mom and her boyfriend of the week. Cameron, her boyfriend now, first came into the picture when I was about… eleven or twelve. Actually, that's about the time Donald and Goofy did. Our parents were friends before we were all even born, so I knew them since I was a baby. But Goofy was older so he was always at a different school, and Donald moved when I was… I don't know, five and didn't come back until I was ten or so. But it was okay. I didn't need them like I did when I was a preteen because…" His eyes darken briefly, his lips push into a thoughtful frown. "I had friends back then.

I lost a few once my Dad left, and then when people found out about my mom and our… situation, financially and… well, though I'd had teachers who basically figured out that she was a total drunk, my friends just thought she was weird and kind of avoided me. And then by the time I was in junior high, I didn't have any left… I wasn't into girls by then so everyone just naturally assumed I was gay. I mean, they were right," He pauses, grinning, but the look fades into something more serious almost as quickly as it came. "But… they just assumed. They started making fun of me. Well… no, that's not true. I was made fun of sometimes before that, but it wasn't a big deal."

"How is that not a big deal?"

"Because they made fun of my name. That's so kiddy. Doesn't mean anything."

"Having an unusual name sucks." I reply flatly.

"God," Sora says. "I know! You want to know how I got my name?"

"Yeah, sure."

"I was conceived while my parents were in Japan. Isn't that lovely?"

"…Ew."

"Yeah. I know. So my mom insisted on a Japanese name. She went with Sora because Dad convinced her that, out of everything else she liked, it would be the easiest to pronounce, and people would probably get it right. But I still got teachers calling me Sara at the beginning of the year." He smiles, rolling his eyes. "Close enough. Both are girl's names anyway. My mom wanted a girl."

"No one over the age of thirty can ever seem to pronounce my name right the first go." I tell him. "'Ryyyku?' 'Riiickkuu?' And those are the ones where people don't pull random letters out of their ass." This makes him laugh, hard. "At least you have a cool story behind yours. I got my name because the nurses at the hospital where I was born were completely inept."

"Yeah," He agrees. "That really sucks."

"But at least in your case they didn't get specific… they didn't name you a city or," I get quieter as a go along, as if someone will overhear. "Like… a hotel name."

He laughs again. "Yeah! That must be awful too, for people who were…"

"I'm glad my parents didn't even think about it. I'd be Backofthetruck Imakura or something."

Sora just gapes for a moment before chortling, tears streaming down his cheeks.

"I always forget you have a sense of humor." He teases.

"Back to the subject at hand." I interject, playfully punching his arm. Sora chuckles.

"Okay, okay. Junior high. Everyone thought I was gay, so they really started picking on me. Beating me up. And the deeper Mom fell into her addiction, the more physical she'd get with me… she'd throw things or even slap me when she got angry enough. All that, paired with the boyfriends who would also get physical sometimes, and the bullies at school…"

He shrugs. "I had a lot of black eyes growing up."

"I thought you said you weren't abused."

"I said I wasn't horrendously abused. It wasn't that bad, or that often. Besides, I still had Donald and Goofy there to support me and be there for me no matter what. And that's better than nothing. They really helped, especially the times when… when I didn't want to be alive anymore. Obviously, I never acted out on it but… I thought about it a lot." He stops and I don't say a word. A long lull in our conversation. I vaguely knew about all of these things, but the thought of my beautiful, funny, gentle boyfriend being so miserable doesn't mesh with me. "I couldn't comprehend how much the bullying affected me then… my self esteem plummeted, and it was still low until recently. I was emotional. I became afraid of the dark." I developed a sensitive stomach. I started getting sick. I started lashing out.

"…But yeah, anyway, Cameron assumed I was gay, too. He was afraid I'd hit on him." Sora rolls his eyes. "Because, you know, I was so hot for him and everything. I love douchebags. He was a bossy little bitch, basically, and tried to micromanage my life like he was my dad or something. And he was only twenty-something… not that much older than me. But then… at some point Mom lost her job, and she and Cameron would break up and get back together… she was unbearable at this point. Her idea of love has always been odd." He explains. "And once it becomes, you know… 'I'll purposely miss when I through bottles at my son's head,' that's…" He trails off and doesn't continue, instead starting up a new thought. My teachers hated me because I became this clown who goofed off and doodled and slept instead of doing my work or paying attention. And I wasn't even one of those popular, jock clowns. I was just me.

I was failing everything because I didn't understand and didn't know how to ask for help or even care, and… one day I woke up and decided I wanted to live with my Dad. Period. It wasn't something that had even occurred to me before. I faked sick to leave early from school, packed my things, and just… left. It wasn't hard. I wandered around for hours and… well, I got the shit beaten out of me on my first night. As you know." He smiles now, shaking his head. "And when I saw you… I mean, you were saving my life--"

"No--"

"You took on all those guys and you beat them! I had never seen anything like it. It was amazing!"

"They were weak."

"There were ten of them!"

"Five." I smirk. "But I could've taken ten."

"And god, you were so fucking gorgeous. You are gorgeous. Even more so now. I had never seen anyone who looked like you in my whole life! And you were… so mature. You made me feel safe."

"Are you shitting me?"

"It's true!" He insists. "You were cold and blunt but you weren't mean. You cared, I could tell. Not at first, but later… and there was more to you than you let on. You fascinated me. You've always been kind of the 'bad boy', after all. And now…" he shrugs, grinning. "Here we are!"

"Yeah," I agree. "Here we are."

"And… despite everything, I'm glad. I like not being like everyone else. I like that I identify with people like you more than people like Chris. I like having an understanding of you and your situations, period. And I like who I am." He grins again, spreading out and raising his arms. "It all worked out!" I lean over and kiss him.

"Yeah. I guess it did."

He's still smiling when I glance back at him, but it flickers and fades once he thinks I'm not looking. I'm a little sorry for bringing it up… he keeps all of that stuff inside. Must be hard to talk about it. I know what that feels like… I'm glad I got past it. I mean, it's still hard to talk about, but… it's been worse.

"I'm sorry." He says suddenly.

"For what?"

"I didn't give you enough credit, really… I mean, a lot of the time, in our relationship I start to get thinking… and I think you're not affectionate enough, not open enough. But that's not true. You slept next to me almost every night for three years. If that isn't affection…"

"Damn right." I say. It's the wrong answer, I know, but it makes him smile and laugh.

"And at the beginning you were really… formal when you spoke. When we met you were crude, but then we got together and you seemed… different. Not yourself, I guess. I mean, the change of lifestyle probably had a lot to do with it but… I'm glad that changed fairly quickly." Having nothing to say, I shrug. We're quiet again. "But just let me say one thing."

"Go ahead."

He looks back over at me and socks me in the arm. Fuck, ow! I wasn't expecting that. "You made me cry. When my mom came home drunk and threw things at me and screamed at me, I didn't cry. When she'd dump boyfriends that I really liked, I didn't cry. When I got beaten up at school, I didn't cry. But you can make me cry just by looking at me funny." He laughs again. But then, he's serious. "When you were on drugs… no, before that too. When you carried around that knife with you, and when you lied, saying you self-mutilated… I thought I was going to just drop dead. I was so terrified. And you treated me like shit. You refused to understand me."

"I'm sorry." I tell him, honestly. I am sorry, from the bottom of my heart. I can't even express it.

"Like that time…" He trails off, and for a moment, I'm not expecting him to finish the thought. I hope he doesn't. "When you were grounded, so Dad was making you clean the kitchen. I tried to help and it really pissed you off. Remember?"

"No." I reply honestly.

"You told me to leave and I touched your hair before I left. So you yanked me over and punched me."

"…I did?"

He looks annoyed and hurt. This isn't how this was supposed to go… "How can you not remember that? I had to yell for Dad because I thought you were going to beat the shit out of me."

"I--I'm sorry." I tell him. "I don't remember that. I mean, I'm sure it happened. I just… it's hazy. I was probably on crack or something at the time. It's the only thing I can think of." I gently reach over to touch his shoulder. He doesn't shy away, and that's a good sign. "I broke down. I can't remember what happened when I had that breakdown in middle school, either. I just know that it happened." Sora's quiet, doesn't look at me. "But… it's all okay now, right?"

"…No." He replies after a moment. "It's not okay. And it's never gonna be okay."

I don't really know how to respond; is he doing to dump me on the spot? "I…"

"I still love you though. Despite everything." And he smiles for me again. "You just owe me, is all."

"I know." I say, relieved more than anything. "God, do I know."

-

We kill a good hour and a half watching TV, his head on my shoulder and my arms around his waist. He smells good. I know that's probably a weird as hell thing to be thinking right now, but he smells really good.

"I'm hungry." He says suddenly.

So I end up making dinner even though it's hardly five. The TV's still blaring even as we eat, but for some reason it only makes us talk louder, rather than actually taking the effort to walk over and turn it off. Hell, the more noise the better.

I… I'm lonely without him. I'm lonely without my boyfriend and all the noise and racket that comes with him.

After we're finished eating I wash up. Sora shouts at me over the water running, but I can't really gather what he's saying. Stuff about school and Roxas and Kairi.

And what happens after is inevitable. Of course we end up on the couch again, kissing and groping and sighing.

"Riku," Sora says. "Riku… man… I want you."

This stops me. I don't know why I'm not more used to this by now…

"…Oh. Then should we…?"

"Your room?" He fills in.

"Yeah."

He kiss me one more time before getting up. "Yes. Please." I trail after him.

My bed is small. Too small for the two of us, really, but we'll have to make do with that we've got. He crawls into bed and I climb on top of him. We kiss more and roll almost off the bed, but I catch Sora at the last second.

"Sorry." He says. "I'm used to our old bed."

"Your bed." I correct him. He shrugs. I bite his neck. "I top tonight." And when I glance up I can see the smallest trace of a smile on his face.

"Go right ahead."

-

The morning after is unusually uncomfortable. I suppose it really makes sense, though… it's a change. And we've never changed before. I've always been the one who…

I sigh, getting out of gently resting my feet on the carpet before rising. I'm expecting a jolt of pain to run through my body, and am pleasantly surprised when nothing happens. A little stiffness, but it isn't too bad.

Not that I mind the pain, really, when I bottom. It's a nice little reminder of what went on the night before. No, it's still not wonderful yet… but I'm warming up to it, I guess. I like it. And I liked topping for once, too.

From somewhere behind me, Sora stirs, so I crawl back into bed.

"Good morning." I say.

"Hi." He responds shyly. Sora shy amuses the hell out of me.

"How are you feeling?"

"Sore."

This is the answer I was expecting, but not the one I was hoping for. 'Sore but good' would be preferable.

"But…?"

"I'll survive." He gets out of bed and visibly flinches. I was too rough on him. Damn it.

"Stay in bed." I tell him.

"I'm tired."

"Then sleep." He looks at me, smiling for a moment. Then he rests his head back on his pillow and closes his eyes. I don't really hear from him again for a good half hour.

I'm dozing when I begin to register sounds of sheets rustling, and a weight on the bed goes missing. "Sora…?" I murmur.

"Shower." He says tiredly. "…That okay?"

… Why in the world is he asking if it's okay? "Of course." I tell him.

"See you in a few."

"Take your time."

Now I'm a bit worried. I was too hard on him, we went too fast, I didn't prepare him well enough, we didn't really have lube so we had to settle with lotion. It didn't work as well.

I feel terrible. Considering that I've bottomed several times, I should have known what to do. I really fucked this up…he told me to stop, twice. And I did, and I helped him get repositioned, let him take a few breaths… maybe this is all in my head. Maybe I wasn't as bad as I think I was. But maybe I really, really messed this up…

Oh. He's out. The water just stopped. "Hey." I say quietly after the door opens.

"Hi." Is his delayed reply.

"Get over here." I tell him. He smiles briefly and hobbles over, sliding under the covers, next to me. I pull him close. "…You're shaking."

"I'm cold."

"You're quiet."

"I'm tired." He says, before adding: "I'm embarrassed."

"No… don't be. It's okay. I kind of was too. The first time." Laying naked on your back, legs spread, is nothing if not humbling.

"But we were comfortable the last few times. It's just… this is stupid. We should be used to this by now. I should have been used to it."

"Look, I feel weird after you fuck me every time. It's not a big deal." He rapidly turns, looking over at me.

"Really? Shit. I didn't realize…"

"It's okay," I assure him. "It started out bad, but it's getting better. Just like everything else with us." I pause, waiting for this to sink in with my fiancée. "We slow down from now on. Okay. Besides… you told me all this stuff about yourself and then you bottomed for the first time. It's double the awkwardness rolled into one."

To my surprise he nods, grins, and rolls on top of me, nuzzling his head under my chin. "I know. I'm just being stupid about this whole thing. Don't pay attention to me…"

"I never do." I reply. I don't think he's taking it as the joke it was meant to be. "Hey, I love you."

"I know you do." He pauses thoughtfully before sitting up, leaving him straddling my lap, fully exposed.

And he was the one complaining about feeling awkward not five minutes ago? "I love you, Riku."

Then, a pang of guilt. I should have been open like he is after our first time. But I shied away from him until I could figure out what I was feeling. Sometimes I feel like he's way out of my league…

Sora, you deserve someone who "actually has emotions", the opposite of how you've described me in the past.

'You would be easier to get along with if you actually had emotions'.

'How can you act like this? Don't you have any empathy?'

'Sometimes I wonder if you can feel anything at all.'

'You look like you were crying. Can you even do that?'

Et cetera. Not that it's really fair to take things he said during our arguments while I was on drugs, or at the beginning of our relationship, before I did open up, but there's truth to it. Of course I feel… I still just have trouble showing it to other people sometimes. "Riku," Sora says evenly, snapping me from my thoughts. "Thank you."

"…Wait, what?"

"You made this whole thing really easy for me."

How? I hurt him! It's all I ever do… "You were patient and considerate… you stopped when I asked you to. Not a lot of guys would have done that. Trust me." His smile is a gentle one. "Don't beat yourself up over this. I worried about you, too, our first time. That's natural, too. Okay? So forget about it, hon."

He is eerie. "How did you even know I was feeling shitty?"

"Because I know you." He laughs-- a light, surprising sound. "You're easy to read."

"And you always say you can't figure me out." I reply, propping myself up. I grab his shoulders as to pull myself into a sitting position, making him squeak in surprise and protest. "By the way, 'hon' is much better than 'baby', or any of those other names you've tried throughout the years."

He rolls his eyes. "I really can't figure you out."

You already have, my love.

-

We eventually relocate to the couch. "What are you going to do with me for the next two days?" He asks, sticking out his tongue.

"Switch around the 'with' and 'me' and then we'll talk." I give him time to figure it out before smirking.

"Okay, this," He says, wiggling his ass. "Doesn't count." I beg to differ. "…Besides, I'm topping next time."

"…So you didn't like it."

"Yes I did. I just like topping more. And I want to switch it up often so we don't get bored of the same thing over and over and over again."

"Three overs? Sounds like you're planning on having a lot of sex."

"I'm planning on being with you for a long time." He says without missing a beat. Cue me feeling like an asshole. "…So, hey. Let's play a game."

"Like what?"

"I ask you a question and you answer. Truthfully. Then you can ask me one."

"About what?"

"Anything," He clarifies. "Anything you want."

"I remember this." I mutter, not hiding the little smirk on my face.

"Okay, I'll go first." He speaks as if he didn't hear me; maybe he didn't. "What's the best thing that's ever happened to you?"

The question's lightness is surprising. But then, he has nothing more about me to discover, really. I still have my own little secrets, sure-- Mister being one of them-- but he knows me. Knows my past and hell, he probably knows my future better than I've been able to figure it out. (Maybe I should just marry him-- no, I will. I will.)

And I'm able to answer his question without hesitation: "You are, Sora."

He gapes a little at this, smiling and flushing, opening his mouth to speak with no words coming out. "Now come on, let's make lunch."

"Okay." He says finally, beaming.

In the afternoon, we feed ducks at the park by the library. It's a busy day, despite the first hint of winter chill lingering in the air. It's mostly mothers with their children, making me feel a little out of place and ridiculous, but Sora's enjoying himself.

Okay, I'm enjoying myself too. I'm sitting in front of a pond on a nice day with my lover, and as long as I don't think about all the druggies in the park, I feel totally and completely relaxed. Sora rests his head on my shoulder, sighing calmly as ducks squeak and squabble over every chunk of bread he tosses into the water. Occasionally a really brave one will waddle out of the pond and eat right out of Sora's hand. I smile as he laughs in a childish joy that must be a relief for him to be feeling. I know he's stressed out. I know it's tough to be apart after living side by side for so long. And I know his ass must hurt like hell, but that's another matter entirely. He shudders when I wrap an arm around him and kiss his head. But we don't really speak. We don't really have to.

We eat dinner out at a little fast food join across the street from the library. I'm going to regret this later, I know, because I have absolutely no money, been living on noodles for a month, but I right now I don't care. I'll work a little extra during the week, whatever. Lifetimes ago, I would have given anything to feel what I'm feeling right now. Sora… do you feel the same way about me?

I honestly think you do.

That night, because we're both total morons, we have sex again. I bottom this time, because even if I'm horny, I'm not a sadist. Besides, bottoming truly isn't that bad. Especially not this time. I don't know what it is-- the longing, my loneliness, or even the new position -- but… I get it now. I enjoy it, and, as Sora does nothing short of wrenching orgasm from my body… I still can't help but think, this is it. This is what all the fuss is about, I get it now. And, both physically and mentally, it's amazing. For once, something doesn't have to be complicated.

-

Sunday comes sooner than I had anticipated, and it's hard to see him go. I feel sort of bad, like I should have made this all a little more fun for him… made it an event, not just an extraordinarily long period of hanging around. No. No, that's not quite it…

"Sora," I say, abruptly grabbing his shoulder as he's about to exit.

"Huh?"

"I'm sorry."

He shoots me a confused look. "Sorry for what?"

"For hurting you so much. For my drug use. I--I don't think I ever really got to tell you the extent of how sorry I am, and how terrible I feel. But…" My voice catches. God, where did all of this come from? "I do. I love you, I never meant to hurt you. It's all my fault."

"Yeah," He says bluntly. "It is your fault. A lot of your problems are self-inflicted." All I can think is, Ouch. But it's true.

"It still hurts. Knowing what I was doing to you… what I was doing to myself. I was dying, and I didn't care."

"Riku… I'm sorry, but I really need to leave. Dad's waiting for me. Where are you going with this?"

"Please forgive me. Please." Maybe I'm just stalling him. Shit I'm lonely; lonely and homesick and guilt-ridden. He shakes his head, surprising me with a gentle smile, dropping his bags to the ground. Chuckling, he embraces me.

"I forgave you a long time ago, idiot." Sora says. "I'm still mad, sometimes, about what you did to me even before you were on drugs. But that doesn't change a damn thing." He pulls away, grinning. "Just don't be a jerkass in the future, alright?"

Relieved, I laugh. "Yeah, okay." He picks up his bags again and turns, then stops.

"Oh, I almost forgot."

"What?"

"Not this Saturday, but the one after… that's my birthday. I'm having a big party, probably starting at four, but you can come earlier if you want. I know you're busy but I really, really want you to come, even if it's only for a few minutes." Only now does he turn to look back at me. "Please be there. It would mean a lot to me."

"I will." I tell him.

"You promise?"

"Yeah. I promise."

I already know exactly what I'm getting you, kid.

-

The following weekend, I walk over to the nearby locksmith. I'm passing through the seedy kind of neighborhood that, once my second home, I now avoid like the plague. But it would be a long walk otherwise, and I really don't feel like driving today. Besides, I'm out of gas.

"Hey, Riku." Purrs an all-too-familiar voice. Well, shit.

"Xigbar, what do you want?" I growl.

"Wow, let's get right to the point, shall we? As you probably know, Axel's currently being eaten by worms." I shudder. "But, you see… here's the bummer of it all: he left a lot of stuff behind. A lot of stuff I want back."

"Like what?" I ask flatly, though I know what he's going to say.

"Heroin, coke, crack… we all know he had more than what he'd give us. And we know that he's still got some in that shitty apartment of his, somewhere."

"That's nice."

"We can't find it, numbnuts." He snaps.

"Ask Demyx." I tell him. "He'd know."

"He's dead." This takes me aback, only slightly. The man's mental health was deteriorating, even without the drugs. He probably flipped out and killed himself.

"Ask Larxene."

"She's dead." Larxene was a whore; she was probably murdered. Okay.

"Ask Vexen."

"Axel killed him a week before Marluxia offed him."

Christ, I'm so glad I quit going around with these head cases. "Sounds like you're dropping like flies." I unhelpfully comment. "That's unfortunate, man." And now I can just feel his anger, without even looking at him. But he never loses that cocky grin, his arrogant Surfer boy cool.

"You're the only guy who'd know."

"I don't. I only know where he had his…" I pause, trying to think of what I can call it. Xigbar eagerly waits for my answer. "Public supply. In the closet of his room."

"You're pathetic." He taunts. "I could go ask Demyx's corpse and he'd be more help."

"Demyx was a complete schizo." I can't help but point out. "I seriously doubt that." Now he's pissed. But… Fuck this. I'm out of here. "Look, I can't help you. If I could, I would. It's not like I'm saving it for myself or anything." Suddenly, I realize that that was probably not a good idea, putting that thought past him.

"Oh, that's right. You quit. You big man." I ignore him now, walk away. "Your boyfriend is awfully cute." He says.

"…What?" I ask, turning around again.

"Your boyfriend is cute." He says again. "You know where he was Friday night? I do." He thrusts his hips for emphasis.

Oh, God. What did he… no. No. Xigbar's just messing with me. Sora doesn't even know who the guy is. He's never met any of these "people". And he wouldn't cheat on me. Unless they forced him to… bullshit! Sora doesn't even go anywhere near where Xigbar lives or hangs around. And if anything happened, I would know. "It'd be a shame if anything happened to him." Never mind that Sora can stand up for himself easily, the threat scares the hell out of me.

"Don't you go near him."

"He's just a high schooler, right? A little too trusting? Wouldn't be too hard to get him alone somewhere." What I'm feeling now is well past rage. I haven't been this angry, this scared, this territorial since my days as a runaway. I storm back over and punch him. He reels back in shock but before he can react I punch him again. I grab him, throw him down, kick him until I see blood. He doesn't know what he's messing with.

They never do.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see him reach for something in his pocket. But I'm faster, taking it away from him before he can do a thing about it.

A gun. Of course. Xigbar's far too into guns and knives for his own good. But it's all for show… he likes scaring people. I aim at a tree and pull the trigger, feeling a chill go down my spine once I find that, for once, it was loaded. Once I calm down I realize how ridiculous the panic has made me; I'm shooting blanks. I drop the useless weapon at his side. I'm glad I'm wearing gloves today… Feeling the anger subside, I pull my cell phone from my pocket and dial 911. "911, please state your emergency." Says the unsettlingly calm operator.

"There's a man lying on the ground… he's bleeding really badly. I think he needs an ambulance." I give her my location and hang up. "Xigbar, you're lucky." His glazed eyes roll up to look at me. "If you ever threaten my family again… if you ever so much as look at my family, I won't hold back. And no one's going to help you. Understood?" He grunts in response. "What?"

"Fuckin' bastard."

I glare at him and he meets me with an exasperated look. "Okay."

I leave him.

I also call Roxas when I walk home (taking the long, safe way, thankyouverymuch). He sounds surprised to hear from me. "Watch over Sora for the next few days, will you?"

"Um.. okay." He says. "Why? What's going on?"

"Xigbar threatened to hurt Sora."

"What." The rage is clear in his voice.

"Just watch over him, will you?"

"I won't let him out of my sight. Thanks for telling me."

No matter what, it's a victory for me. Sora's safe with Roxas for sure, and when Xigbar gets picked up by the ambulance they'll find the drugs he surely has on him and they'll see the gun by his side. The police here really crack down on drug addicts, and laws concerning weapons are strict. He'll doubtlessly be thrown in prison. My feelings of hatred toward the police aren't as intense as they once were; I'm actually glad about the events that I know will unfold.

And even if he doesn't get arrested, I know he's not going to bother me ever again.

None of them will.

-

It isn't until I go to bed that night that I realize what really happened today. Of course. These things always come back to haunt you, don't they? From my pathetic confession when Sora left, to today's confrontation, to seeing Mister at a little Mom and Pop grocery store last month… God, I don't like thinking about that. Walking through the produce aisle, happening to turn around and seeing him with an upbeat, well-dressed woman, talking animatedly. She was young, but still older than me, and looked like him. His daughter, without a doubt. My stomach churned. I spent the better part of a year doing everything but sleeping with not just an older man, but a father. And he looked at me, saw me and recognized me. I left everything behind, leaving with no intention of ever returning. I am a homewrecker.

But… he wasn't married, was he? And… I don't know, they seemed like such a happy family, the two of them. She has no idea what his little hobby is. Or… was: me.

And sometimes I start going back. I start thinking I'm not good enough for this stuff. I shouldn't be in college. I should still be a druggie. I should have gotten AIDS, because it would have served me right. I shouldn't have an apartment, I should be on the street, I deserve to be on the street... and then I just say, no. I'm fucking over it. I'm not that little abused boy anymore, and I'm not the angry, troubled teen, and I'm not the careless drug addict. I'm Riku, and I don't deserve anything, good or bad. What happens, happens.

Ugh… okay, Riku. Time to stop thinking about this shit. Just focus on seeing Sora next weekend.

When I first drift to sleep I have horrible nightmares, but they soon dissipate and tonight, I sleep well.