I'm not one of those people who walks around with their cell phone attached to their hip, so I tend to forget about it and find it somewhere six hours later. After takeout with Mom and Addison and then hanging out with them for a bit, I go sing karaoke by myself for a bit while they work outside on the deck.
I go upstairs to shower and see my phone light up. I haven't checked it since this morning, and I see three texts from Silas, one from Axel and one from Jenelle. Silas' start out normal, just saying hey and asking where I am, but the third message says, 'Hey! I asked where you are?'. It seems kind of rude. Lately he's been wanting to hang out every single day, and I just have too much to do and not enough time to be with him that much. I mean, I like Silas. We've been friends for years, but I'm not in love with him or anything. I love hanging out with him, and he was my first real kiss. I just wish he wouldn't get mad at me for having other things going on in my life.
I reply, telling him that I stayed home sick today, and he responds within seconds, before I even have time to type 'hey' in my response to Jenelle's message. He says that I could have at least told him I was staying home.
I'm not really into how he's being, so I drop the phone on my bed after texting Axel back and head into the shower.
After, there are two more texts from Silas, telling me to text him later because he wants to come by. I message back that I have plans with my parents and I'll see him tomorrow, and I must have a frown on my face because, from the doorway, Mom suddenly speaks.
"What's that face for?"
"Oh," I say, looking up and seeing her for the first time. "Silas. He's mad at me...or something...I dunno. He thinks I should have told him I wasn't going to school today?"
I pose it as a question, because I'm confused. This whole girlfriend/boyfriend thing is new to me, and I have no idea what it entails.
"Ah," Mom nods, coming in and sitting on the bed to pet Nigel. "So he is your boyfriend."
"I don't know, what does that even mean? I have fun hanging out with him, and I like him, but I mean...I don't...want to be controlled or something."
"And you shouldn't be," Mom says seriously. "First relationships are interesting. You have to kind of set the rules for yourselves, based on your own morals. What do you think you want? From him?"
I think about this, looking away from her and into nothing. "I don't know. I just thought it would be like it always has been. Hang out, play paintball...make out sometimes?"
"And you think he expected something else?"
"We're 16, Mom. Everyone seems to expect something else."
"Well," Mom begins, and I can tell she's going to worry about this now. "Just be clear, sugar. You know what you want. Don't go thinkin' you have to change for someone."
"I know," I breathe.
But it's not a conversation I want to have. I just wish Silas would be the way he was during the past while.
The rest of the week goes by quickly, as I bury myself in homework. Silas yo-yos between seeming angry and then seeming fine, and asking me to hang out. On Saturday we go to the pier for a bit, and he acts like nothing weird happened during the week, so I drop it, thinking maybe he just had a bad week, too. We sit on a dock and dangle our feet, like we did the last time we were here, and he kisses me again, but with everything that's happened, I don't feel the butterflies as intensely, and I'm starting to wonder if this is all too much. Maybe I'm just not good girlfriend material right now.
At school on Monday, he clings to me at lunch when Axel sits next to me. I shrug off his hand several times because he gets the hint, but then storms off to go inside. I look at Axel questioningly, but he just shrugs.
"Don't stress about it, girl. Kid's never had a real girlfriend. Just short flings, or whatever. I guess the jealousy is new?"
I shrug, but I hate how becoming "official", or however you want to put it, has changed everything.
"Well, this isn't exactly what I had in mind," I reply quietly. He squeezes my shoulders, understanding.
"Maybe you guys were better just friends," he suggests.
"I've been wondering that, too," I nod.
A few days later, after lunch, as I'm walking to tennis, Silas hurries up to me in the hallway.
"Hey," he breathes.
"Hey," I reply.
"Are you mad at me or something?"
I frown. "I'm not mad, you just seem a little off lately. But maybe we both had hard weeks or something."
"Yeah," he nods, but I look at him, confused. That's not an explanation at all.
"Well, is something wrong?" I reiterate.
"No, I just don't...like sharing you."
"Sharing me?"
"Yeah. With Axel and everyone."
"Axel and I have been friends since kindergarten," I say, annoyed. "What are you talking about?"
"Well, if you want to be with him, then you should just go do it," he snaps.
Floored, I stare at him like he's got an extra forehead. "What?"
"Look," he says, seeming to rethink himself. "I just mean, it's better when it's just you and me. Don't you think so? Can't we just hang out by ourselves from now on? I mean, we see everyone else at school. Why do you need to see Axel all the time?"
"Axel's my friend. He always has been. I'm not about to ditch him, and you shouldn't think that, anyways. He's your friend, too. Why would you just want to alienate yourself from everyone?"
"I just want to be with you," he says firmly.
I hold my palms up. "We...are," I say, but I'm confused. "We're together. But that doesn't mean I'm going to ditch everyone else."
"I didn't realize I meant so little," he spits, and turns on his heel and storms away.
I stand there, completely confused, until the warning bell rings and I have to run to get to tennis.
On Wednesday, I stay home with a headache, but when I get to school on Thursday, Silas is in the parking lot.
"Hey," he says flatly, coming to my car door as I'm getting out.
"Hey," I reply.
"So, what was with yesterday?"
I stare at him. "What do you mean?"
"Well, you could have told me you weren't coming to school." He looks angry.
"Um," I frown, slinging my bag over my shoulder, confused. "Why?"
"Because you're my girlfriend," he retorts, his face not softening.
"Look, Silas," I begin. "I understand that we're 'exclusive' or whatever, but we've never actually talked about what that means...I'm not...I mean, I like you. Obviously. We've been friends for years. But it's senior year. I have a lot going on. I have to prioritize things, and...well, school is topping that list."
He nods slowly, looking away. "So, what? You don't want to be my girlfriend?"
"I never said that. I just want you to know that I can't promise you the kind of relationship that Chase and Norah used to have, or something."
(Chase used to date a girl named Norah who ended up moving to Delaware when her father got transferred or something. They were that inseparable high-school couple who were together every moment, and were actually having sleepovers and promising each other to be together forever. It's not my style, and anyway, how can anyone have time for it?)
"What's that supposed to mean?" he snaps.
"It means...I can't hang out every day. If my grades drop, my parents will slaughter me. You've seen my schedule. I'm swamped."
"Well I'm sorry not everyone can take all AP courses."
My face contorts in confusion. "What? Regardless of whether or not you're taking AP classes, your semester is packed, no matter who you are. And I care too much about Berkeley to mess it up. I'm sorry."
He looks angry, but he doesn't reply immediately.
"Well...I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap. I just thought we felt the same way about each other."
"I never said I didn't like you," I say. "I just...have a lot going on."
He nods and I start to walk, towards the school.
"I'll see you at lunch?" he asks, as we near the door and I head towards it, while he turns towards our friends on the lawn.
"Yeah," I nod, and give him a forced smile.
I exhale deeply once I get inside. What the hell was that?
I try to push it out of my mind as I hurry to class.
At lunch, I find Max first and we find our group at a table outside.
"Hey," Silas smiles, this morning's issue forgotten. "Axel's having people over on Friday."
I nod. "Cool. Should be fun."
"You'll come?" he asks.
"Sure," I shrug. "For a bit."
He nods and puts an arm around me, tightly circling my waist. I move to sit down beside Axel, and Silas quickly sits on my other side.
Axel and I walk towards his class after lunch, and I take the opportunity to grill him.
"Hey, what's with Silas?"
"Aw, he being all weird and shit?"
"Yeah. He actually got mad at me for not telling him I was staying home yesterday. And he's been very...I dunno. Clingy?"
"Dude's jealous," Axel shakes his head.
"Of what?" I ask, confused. Axel and Silas have been friends for years, and even he seems irritated by him right now.
Axel chuckles. "Me."
"What?" I raise my eyebrows.
"Yeah, he was gettin' all tense and shit. Asking me if we've ever been more than friends, because he doesn't like how much we hang out."
"Are you serious?"
Axel nods, rolling his eyes. "I dunno what's up with him. I mean, I know he had a jealous streak with that summer fling he had last year, what was her name...Natalia? Anyway, he got all weird with her too. Maybe he's got some trust issues or something. Dude needs to relax."
I frown; none of this makes sense.
"But...you and I have been friends since...birth."
"Yeah, well," Axel shrugs. "I dunno what's goin' on in his head. Don't let it bother you, girl. Boy doesn't own you. I mean, I understand being protective of your girl, but..."
He shrugs again and I nod. "Yeah...thanks for telling me."
He holds his fist out and I bump it before heading off to tennis.