Chapter Thirty Eight

BPOV – Controlling Desires

Not for the first time I wondered what I had done in my lifetime to deserve the love of such an incredible man. It was way beyond my understanding that Edward could find me as appealing, as a person, as I found him. The thought that had gone on behind this gesture of him taking me away from the turmoil of the past few days was touching, and I couldn't believe that we were in this wonderful place of peace, tranquility and privacy. Alone time with Edward was to be treasured and I wanted to take advantage of every moment we had together before he jetted back to New York and I returned to my own life of routine. Life had been rough for the past few days but the moment I had woken up, in the hospital to find Edward holding me, I had known that somehow everything was going to work out. With him I felt completely safe and secure; the most natural feeling in the world.

I was taking in the surroundings of the beautiful room Edward had organised for us. Everything was so beautifully crafted and so incredibly romantic. I could imagine lying in front of the fireplace with Edward, just soaking up his presence and holding him close to me; we would have the whole night to be together and the prospect of it was exciting and heart warming. Not often enough, I got to spend the night in his arms and wake up to feeling his body pressed against mine. It was an experience I wanted to have more readily.

"This place is amazing Edward. I want to tell you that you shouldn't have done this but I can't bring myself to; it is all too perfect. For once I am just going to shut up and enjoy what's on offer."

It was entirely true. I had a huge aversion to Edward, or anyone really, spending money on me but, this once, I couldn't help but feel happy that Edward had done this very special thing for us. We were away from the media, we were not dealing with anyone but ourselves. Edward voiced the things I was thinking and it made me glad that we were on the same wave length.

"Glad to hear it Bella. Let's enjoy the time we have together alone. It doesn't happen nearly enough."

"Agreed," The overwhelming need to be close to my incredibly beautiful boyfriend overcame me and I launched myself at him without another thought, with the sole intention of holding him and kissing him in thanks. The two of us toppled down together and Edward twisted himself so that I would land less heavily than what I was destined to. The pain that went through my side reminded me of the ugliness of the past few days and it wasn't something I wanted to invade on the perfectness of right now.

"Jesus Bella. Are you ok?" Edward was gently maneuvering himself from under me and was looking at me with a face full of concern. Drat – the perfect way to ruin a great moment.

"Shoot. I wasn't thinking," I forced the words through my lips as I continued to endure the pain that was firing through my side.

Edward was berating me for not being careful and giving me reasons why he had brought us up here. I heard him through the haze of slowly dissipating hurt. I could feel the tears welling in my eyes at the thought that I was ruining everything that Edward had planned for us.

"I am sorry. I didn't mean to ruin our day."

"You haven't ruined anything. I just want you to look after yourself. You are precious to me. I don't want to see you hurt. Not for anything." Edward was forcing me to look him in the eye as he gently held my face. The force of feeling I saw there made me forget about the pain for a moment and I wanted to kiss him in gratitude for caring so much.

"Here, let me check the cut." He gently lifted my shirt to find the bandage that covered my wound and very gently removed it so that he could see how the cut was looking after my thoughtless actions. Every small touch he made was like a lick of fire against my skin and not the type that had been caused by the pain of only moments before. This was full of pleasure and want of more. Edward's fingers trailing across my skin was sending messages to my brain that made me want to draw him closer and make him continue his actions indefinitely, in ways that would leave me begging for more.

"It's fine," Edward's voice cut through my thoughts and I could sense his relief. "Let's keep it that way, shall we Bella." He was crouching down next to me and smiling up at me with the most breath taking lift of his lips. When he reached forward to kiss to the side of my cut I felt the earth stop for a moment in time and held my breath. Edward's forehead lightly rubbed against my already sensitive breast and the combination of that and his lips pressed against my skin caused a huge surge of desire to race through my body. I looked down at him in amazement. How could such an innocent action make me want to have him in all kinds of inappropriate ways? I wanted Edward Cullen in a way that I had never wanted anyone and the thought was a little disarming.

It was frustrating to note that Edward did not seem to have the same reactions as I did. He was entirely focused on placing my bandage back on without hurting me and I wondered if he ever really felt the same pull towards me that I was constantly feeling towards him. When he started talking about going out for lunch and taking a stroll around shops, it took every ounce of will I had not to groan out my discord. I wanted him close by me; really close by me, not out in public where displays of affection were discouraged. I kept my thoughts to myself, however, because I didn't want to seem too needy and desperate. That was not going to stop me from at least getting one last kiss from him before we headed out. I looked up at him as I gently kissed the palm of his hand and I watched with interest as his face registered confusion. Maybe he wasn't as immune to me as he was making out right now.

I thanked him and asked for the kiss I needed. He faltered a little and the small groan that he elicited made me smile with satisfaction before my lips were being traced with the tip of his tongue, leaving a trail of fire in its path. Before long the kiss had deepened and I was no longer aware of anything else but savouring Edward and the exploration of his mouth. When he spoke I hardly heard through the haze of feeling he brought up in me, and the fact that I just wanted to love him; show how much he was adored by me.

"Bella, please……"

I half heartedly answered against his lips that had not moved away from mine. "Please what?"

"We need to stop now or I am never going to be able to stop."

"Who says we need to stop? Kissing you is incredible. I don't care if it goes on forever,"

"Hmm. I am in total agreeance Bella but the thing is when we are like this I don't register anything else but you and the feelings you induce; I won't be able to stop myself from hurting you. We. need. to. stop." I knew I was teasing him as he spoke but I couldn't help myself. I was willing to endure the pain of upsetting my cut if it meant Edward kept kissing me and maybe moving beyond that. I wasn't being entirely fair. Edward was trying to do the right thing by me and I was making life difficult for him. I closed my eyes in frustration. I was going to have to do what he was asking and stop; it didn't mean I had to like it.

"Ok I get it," I agreed. "Lunch and shopping it is then, but you owe me for stopping a perfectly good kiss, Cullen"

"Believe me when I say that I owe us both for that one Bella."

Well, at least I wasn't being entirely rejected, I thought to myself as he helped me back to my feet and we readied ourselves for lunch.

I had obviously been distracted by Edward's closeness and then him pulling away because it wasn't until we were in the car heading into the small town of Snoqualmie that it occurred to me that Edward and I were unthinkingly endeavoring to have a normal outing without the subterflage. Edward's suggestion of having lunch and doing some shopping seemed straight forward enough but it was not something we had ever done as a couple, given our circumstances.

"Maybe we should go back to the hotel and order in," I suggested nervously, once I realized our mistake.

"Why? Snoqualmie is meant to be a gorgeous little town and I thought you'd enjoy it." Edward was puzzled.

"Well, were you intending on walking ten metres in front of me while I window shopped? Are you going to sit on the opposite side of the café from me while we eat our meals alone? I'd much prefer to spend this time together as a couple, not pretending for the world that we aren't one." I couldn't help but let the frustration creep into my voice.

Understanding flowed across his face and he slowed the car to pull over.

"Oh Bella, I am sometimes so ridiculously clueless, it's not funny. We should have discussed this before heading out. My issue was James and now that he is aware of you and your importance to me, there doesn't seem to be any reason to continue pretending we aren't together." He had turned to face me and had drawn my hands into his own. I instantly felt myself relax at his touch. "but if you feel that you still want the anonymity and that you can't handle the attention that being with me entails, I totally understand and we can forget about lunch in town and go back to our room. I do want you to know this though. I am proud of you and I am proud of our relationship; I am happy for the world to know who I have chosen to be with."

I read the sincerity in his eyes and knew that Edward would do whatever I wanted. I thought about the media that had slowly disappeared from outside my unit and wondered if I was willing to open myself up to their scrutiny once again, with the news that Edward and I had been together. The answer did not take long to embed itself in my brain. I was willing to put up with the added attention if it meant Edward and I could be in public more readily together. I loved him and knew that I could not hide our relationship from the world indefinitely if I was serious about being with him. My aversion to attention was going to be sorely tested but with Edward as the reward I was keen to attempt the process.

"Lunch in Snoqualmie, it is then." I smiled at him to show that I was happy with the decision but he still felt the need to ask.

"Are you sure?"

Was I sure? I tried to be as honest as possible with both myself and with him. "Not without some reluctance, I admit, but that is only because of the attention Edward; nothing to do with the way I feel about you. Given that my boyfriend is the super hot, amazingly sexy rock star Edward Cullen, I guess I should accept the inevitable. If I want to be with you, I need to embrace the public just a little. Now seems as good a time as ever to start."

Edward beamed at me and I wasn't sure if it was from my decision or from my over the top compliments.

"Bella I promise that I will do everything in my power to make this as painless for you as possible. We can be seen together but it doesn't mean I am going to start sprouting off about our private life or yours. You will probably find that once it is out in the open anyway, they will not be as interested because it won't be any great mystery anymore, for them to manipulate."

His words made sense so I allowed myself to relax and enjoy our first foray into the public domain with my boyfriend by my side. Once he had started the car again and parked in the little village I couldn't help but grin when I noticed the extra bounce in Edward's step as he came around to open my door and helped me out of the car.

"Are we ready?" His happiness as he placed his arm around my waist, and we began to head down the main street of town, was catching.

"Absolutely Mr Cullen. Let's cause some gossip."

---#####---

Our trip into the small village had been uneventful and both of us had enjoyed the experience immensely. Besides a few sidelong glances no one approached us and we were left to do what we wanted, which was just enjoy each others company as we ate and then shopped. By the end of our little excursion we had forgotten that there was anything different about us being seen in public and we were acting like two people who were experiencing the heady throes of first love. It was exhilarating. We joked with one another and with the people we spoke to in shops; we brought little trinkets for the people we loved just for the sake of doing so and we leant towards one another over lunch as if it was the most natural thing to do in a café of people we didn't know.

When we returned to the hotel Edward had another surprise waiting for me and he led me down to the Beauty and Well Being spa that the lodge was famous for. He was keen to ensure that this little break of ours was all about relaxation and he admitted that even though he couldn't arrange a massage for me, as he had for himself, because of my slight injuries, he had thought I would enjoy a bit of a pampering this afternoon. Never being one for going to beauticians and the like, I found it hard to imagine that this would be something I would enjoy but the look of pride on Edward's face for having thought of this activity made me accept it without comment. During the next two hours, I wondered why I had ever thought that this was not a good idea. Having a hair bath and head massage was one of the most dreamy things I had ever encountered and the fact that Edward was lying, completely relaxed, only a few feet away from me having his own body massage made the whole afternoon feel intimate and remarkably refreshing. When an hour had gone by and Edward's massage had been completed and he was readying himself to leave I almost groaned aloud to know that this was going to finish so soon. I went to stand up as the woman put the final touches on blow drying my hair but Edward was smirking at me with a glint in his eyes.

"Where do you think you're going, Miss Swan?"

"With you of course," I stated, completely confused as to why he was asking me such an inane question.

"Uh uh. You are staying right here. Your afternoon hasn't finished yet. Kate, here, has yet to complete her pampering while I go upstairs to organize dinner," he reached down to lightly kiss my forehead and then thought about it again and let me feel his lips against my own. " I will see you in a little while, sweetheart."

During the next hour, Kate gave me a facial and placed a minimal amount of makeup on my face which I was very glad for. The end result was that I felt completely indulged and yet completely satisfied. I couldn't help but feel relaxed when I had someone gently massaging my scalp, playing with my hair and rubbing all kinds of delightfully smelling ointments onto my face. I made a deal with myself that I would not talk myself out of this kind of thing again; at least every now and again anyway.

When I went to put my clothes back on I was surprised to find Kate smiling at me as she handed me a beautiful blue silk dress.

"Mr Cullen requested that you put this on for dinner. He told me to let you know that it was Alice's contribution to your day of pampering and he hoped you wouldn't mind." I could tell by the look on Kate's face that she was finding all of this very romantic and was probably wishing that our roles were reversed. I had to admit that I was feeling like a princess right about now so I returned her smile and thanked her for everything she had done for me.

"My pleasure Bella. You have a lovely meal." She winked at me and then left to give me some privacy to get changed. When I slid the dress over my head it felt exquisite against my body due to its softness and I noted with satisfaction that it clung to me in all the right places so that even I had to acknowledge that the dress was perfect for me. A small box was left in the changeroom and when I peeked inside I found a pair of low heels that matched perfectly with the dress. How on earth had Edward and Alice managed to do all of this in secret in the short time they had had the previous evening? They astounded me with their persistence in making me feel special. I slipped the shoes on and made my way out of the room only to find Edward standing outside waiting for me. His eyes slowly swept over me and it was if he was physically caressing me as they did so. I felt the inevitable rise of redness to my face because my thoughts became confused with the knowledge that he was admiring me and definitely liking what he saw.

"As always you look breath taking Bella. Remind me to thank my sister for her impeccable taste and ability to highlight your natural beauty." I blushed at his compliment and went to stand in the circle of his arms. He looked pretty damn fine himself and I let him know that, in no uncertain terms. He smiled at my words and kissed me with tenderness.

"Shall we take this to a more private place, sweetheart."

"Yes please," I breathed, relishing the thought of being alone with him before dinner. I imagined he had organized for us to dine in the lodge's restaurant and as much as I was looking forward to a wonderful meal cooked by an internationally known chef, I was looking even more forward to my time with Edward, where it was just the two of us.

We strolled contently up to our suite and as soon as Edward opened the door, I saw that my assumptions had been way off base. The room was lit up with the warm light of candles and the setting sun was shining its last rays through the large windows of the apartment. Right next to the windows a table had been set up with silverware and wine glasses and a bouquet of flowers.

"Oh," I had no words to describe the surrealism of that moment.

"Do you like it?" Edward asked anxiously. "You don't mind if we eat here tonight; just the two of us?"

I carefully lifted my arms up to wrap them around his neck and began to rain grateful kisses on his face which made him chuckle in response. "No I don't mind Edward. This is the most romantic and thoughtful thing anyone has ever done for me."

We walked over to the table and he held my seat out so I could sit. Besides the fact that we were completely alone we could have been sitting in a restaurant the way everything had been set up. There was a menu of the foods we would be consuming tonight and the selection was amazingly exotic and mouth watering. We started off with a Rocks Trio of Cheeses and I was in heaven with the subtle tastes that melted on my tongue.

"Hmmm That was delicious," I enthused as Edward sat across me beaming.

"I love a girl who knows how to eat," he quipped with a cheeky grin and I laughed happily back at him.

We continued the meal in high spirits, purely enjoying each others company and the amazing food that was served to us at intervals throughout the night. Edward had ordered champagne for us and the bubbles in it tickled my nose and made me even more relaxed than I had been before the meal. As always our conversation flowed naturally and we learnt new things about each other. We were both careful to skirt around the subject of James because tonight was all about us and the good things we shared.

On completing the most scrumptious dessert I had ever tasted, called the Chocolatier's Palate, I sat back happily sated and watched the flicker of light make tantalizing patterns across Edward's face. He was such a strikingly handsome person and when he was happy, as he clearly was now, his facial expressions made him downright appealing as all hell. I reached across to take his hand and intertwined my fingers with his.

"This has all been perfect Edward. Thank you. It was just what the doctor ordered after everything we've been through,"

A quick shadow crossed his face but I wasn't going to allow him to dwell on the negatives so I stood and without letting go of his hand I moved so that I was sitting in his lap and his hand was against my heart.

"I love you, you know. The best part of all this, is that I am with you." My words couldn't be any more honest. I could be anywhere right now and as long as I was with him I would be happy.

"I know Bella and I completely and utterly love you too," Edward spoke with his own sincerity and I sighed as I allowed my head to rest against his shoulder, entirely at peace with my world right now. Edward stood up and kept his hold of me so that he could take me over to the fireplace where a fire had been started hours before. He gently placed me on the couch as I giggled lightly. He left me for a moment but returned with our glasses and the bottle of champagne. Once he had filled both our glasses and had made himself comfortable, next to me, we made a toast.

"To us," Edward stated softly "and all the incredible times we are going to have together."

"To us."

We were quiet after that, sipping our wine and watching the mesmerizing dance of the fire while Edward traced circles of feeling onto the skin of my shoulder. When I couldn't take it anymore I put my glass down and wrapped my fingers into his hair so that I could pull his lips down to mine and enjoy his company more fully. Edward did not falter and allowed me to play with the warm recesses of his mouth to my hearts content. We took our time with that exploration, clearly wanting to relish the feeling of love, we had for one another. Our lips brushed against each others; our tongues danced with one another and our bodies inadvertently pressed closer. I opened my eyes to find that Edward was looking back at me with an intensity that caught me unaware. My heart skipped a beat as I saw the joy and passion that flared in his eyes and it made my breath gasp and catch in awe.

"Oh god, Bella. How can you be all mine?" he took his lips away from me to mumble into my ear and the feel of his breath against my neck, made me tighten my grip on him even more.

"Easily," I responded as we reconnected our lips. I closed my eyes again and let myself savour his taste. This was so much better than any fine wine or champagne he could serve me. The hand that I had been using to tenderly caress his cheek, moved down over his shoulders and around to the hard smoothness of his back. I could feel his muscles, under the thin material of his shirt, involuntarily clench from my touch and the action made me giddy with longing. Edward was built perfectly, all hard and muscular and strong and the thought of tracing my hands over every part of him suddenly invaded my mind and made me deepen our kiss in urgency. Edward's response was to move one hand down to my waist so that he could pull me closer to his own hips and with the other hand run his fingers against the soft material of my dress where it met the bare skin of my cleavage. The roughness of his calloused guitar finger tips grazing between my breasts elicited a soft groan from my mouth and I wanted him to go further. I needed him to touch all of me.

But instead of Edward continuing his very welcome assault on my body, he began to slowly, ever so slowly, pull away from me, all the while trying to control his breathing as he looked at me with those emerald eyes that were full of desire and indecision. I tried to pull him back into my grasp, to take back what we had just been experiencing together, but he remained staunch in his gentle removal. His hands were now off my body but were against both sides of my face and he was appealing for my understanding.

"Please Bella. You don't know what you're doing to me."

"Hopefully the same thing you're doing to me Edward." I twisted my face a little so that I could kiss the hand that was resting on my cheek and his quick intake of breath told me that he was still entirely worked up from our previous kisses, even if he was trying to put distance between us now. At least I had that little comfort.

"Don't make me do this Bella. I am trying to do the right thing here. Us being together like this should be special, it should be when…….."

"Tonight has been special, Edward. How could anything be more special than what you've done for me today. It would be perfect timing." My attempt to not sound like a ten year old girl who was not getting her own way almost worked; but not quite.

"I didn't bring you here to seduce you Bella," He smiled wryly and continued "or have you seduce me. You've been through a traumatic experience and you're hurt. Now is not the time to follow through on where we were just heading." He stepped away from me and I felt like a part of me had been ripped off with his distance.

"I'm fine. It would be fine." Again with the pleading voice.

"Bella, please. I am begging you to let me do the right thing," When I looked at his face I recognised that it would not be hard for me to convince him otherwise but he would not thank me for it tomorrow. Was I willing to make him do something that he obviously thought was wrong, for whatever reason? Did I want to face his remorse in the morning that we had done something he did not wholeheartedly want to do? I couldn't believe it had come to this. I was the virgin in this relationship and should be the one feeling confused about what we were doing and how it would turn out, not him. Regardless, of all that though, I knew I would not pressure him to be with me if he wasn't a hundred percent sure. I would give him the space he was requesting.

I took a step towards him and placed my arms around him to rest my head against his chest. As I did so I felt the thunder of his heart against the side of my face and it warmed my own heart to know that he was going against what his body wanted as well. Edward wanted me; he just wasn't willing to follow through on that for the moment. I could deal with that as long as at some point he succumbed to what we both needed.

Edward breathed an apology into my hair and it made me see that this was not the way I wanted this perfect day to end. I forced a huge smile on my face and showed him, that regardless of what just happened, I was still completely happy to be with him in this wonderful place.

"Give me a moment, babe and we can snuggle in front of the fire," I promised as I headed towards the bathroom to gain back some of my control. I heard the rattle of plates as I took my time to splash water on my face and tried to get myself back to a space where I wasn't going to try and jump all over Edward to have my way with him. I fully intended to behave myself for the rest of the night and just enjoy his closeness. It wouldn't be easy, considering his innate appeal, but I was determined.

On returning to the lounge area and the welcoming fireplace I noted that all the dishes we had used earlier had disappeared and so had Edward. I scanned the room nervously, hoping that he had not been more upset than I had imagined but a small movement caught my eye outside on the balcony and I let out a whoosh of air. Edward quickly stepped back into the room and closed the door behind him so that the cool night air didn't invade the warmth of our room. He came straight to me and held my hand, leading me back to the fire and wrapping his arm around my shoulder.

"I am truly sorry Bella. I didn't mean for…."

My fingers were on his lips before he could say anything else. "Let's just enjoy now, Edward. It's perfect that we are here together and that you are holding me. Forget about the other stuff. You do intend on not letting go of me all night, right?"

"There is no two ways about that, Bella."

"Well that is more than enough," I stated firmly as I cuddled into his body and soothed myself with the sound of his breathing. Edward took a great breath of air and then calmly expelled it before answering.

"Yes, more than enough, for now anyway," the edge to his voice was not lost on me. Edward was experiencing difficulty with this as well.

I fervently thanked him silently for those last words. I was hoping he wouldn't make me wait too long.