Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor do I own any related materials.
Deviated World
Chapter XXXVII
Remus really needed to focus. After Christmas he was finding that task quite difficult. He gained no sympathy from Sirius, however, who told him that it was good for him to focus on his social life for a while. Remus scoffed at this, claiming that if he didn't focus now no one would have a social life or any other kind in the future. Still, Remus could not help but constantly dwell on the moment that she chose him over Charice. Her "yes" resounded in his head over and over.
Focus. Remus knew that his confliction over Tonks could easily overwhelm him. So, instead, for the remainder of the week he threw himself into training Harry.
"We've already gone over this, Uncle Remus," said Harry exasperately. "Three times."
"And you still haven't managed to cast the spell flawlessly," said Remus, directly, but not unkindly.
"Progress, not perfection," said James, causing Remus to stare at him. What? Of course it was perfection, thought Remus. You do not take down Voldemort with shoddy spellwork.
Remus swallowed his thoughts. "Hermione, why don't you try?" Like in his world, Hermione was a perfectionist, which, Remus hoped would rub off on Harry and Ron. She cast the spell, not flawlessly, but close to it, and Remus nodded approvingly. "Great, Hermione. Ron?"
Ron intook a breath and cast the spell. Better than Harry's, but not quite there still. "I still do not quite understand why you are teaching them the jelly legs jinx so extensively," said James.
"I am with James on this one," said Sirius, who was on the floor, trying to stand without avail. "Could one of you help, here?"
Remus countered the spell. "They need to learn, because they need the widest amount of spells available to them. Voldemort thinks a certain way and trains his Death Eaters to think that way too. They contend with Aurors and are thus familiar with Auror ways of thinking—stunning and disarming for the most part. As simple as it is, I would be that half the Death Eaters would not expect to get hit with a jelly legs jinx and also would not know the counter spell. We need to surprise them."
"Fine, fine, I get it," said Sirius. "Makes sense, really. Mad-Eye Moody is one of the best Aurors the department has ever seen and part of it is because of how unorthodox he is—"
"—Still, it would hurt to also go over the basic defense spells, seeing that they will have to encounter them anyway," pressed James.
Remus sighed. "Harry, disarm me please."
Harry shouted "Expelliarmus!"
Remus fought to keep his wand, but failed. "Good Harry. That was really always your best spell—well that and your patronus" he said nostalgically. Everyone gave Remus a strange look. "Sorry, sorry," said Remus, forgetting that everyone generally found it strange when he made comparisons between his old dead friends and their live counterparts. Remus did that rarely, seeing that James didn't have a counterpart and Sirius was much better off in this world. Harry, however, Remus just didn't really want to call him out on not living up to his potential. Was it his potential though? The Harry from his world lived a very different life, lived through circumstances that bolstered his compassion, love of magic and will to survive. That Harry, though he had many people who loved him, was ultimately his own protector. This Harry didn't have to be—this Harry had James.
"Harry, a word?" asked Remus.
Harry followed Remus into the kitchen with a sheepish look on his face.
"I know it must seem that I have unreal expectations of you…"
"No it doesn't," said Harry. Remus stared, a little bewildered. "I understand, or at least I think I do, where you are coming from. I faced Voldemort almost a year ago now—Cedric Diggory died and I almost did too. I know things were bad where you came from and we are getting there too. The Ministry—well, is full of idiots—" Remus smiled approvingly, "—and if it is all down to me and him, I know that I must become stronger, more powerful. I will not let him win here."
Remus smiled. Perhaps everything was not so different. He saw Harry here as he knew him. "I am glad you understand, Harry. And while, ultimately, it might be down to you and him, we—I—will make sure to do everything that can be done to give you the upper hand. And remember, you are special Harry, not just because of some prophecy, but because you are willing to risk everything for the people you love. Like your mother…"
"Like my mother."
"Yes, sometimes people only see James—your impulsiveness, quidditch skills, fierce loyalty—but you have so much of her—compassion, love, courage. These things define you and make you all the more powerful."
"Those thing define you too, Uncle Remus," said Harry.
Remus faltered. Did they? He felt almost incapable of some of them anymore. He felt defined more by a singular cause, instead. Remus swallowed. "Thank you, Harry. Now let's get back to things, shall we? Maybe go over some blocking defense spells?"
Harry nodded. As they went to restart practicing a great owl flew in the window onto the kitchen table. Remus removed a letter and gave the owl some treats which it took gratefully. "From Dumbledore," said Remus, reading the letter.
"What is it about?" asked Harry.
"He just wants to meet with me," said Remus.
"I overheard my dad and Uncle Sirius talking about how Dumbledore doesn't trust you…what happened?" asked Harry, curiously.
"I—" faltered Remus. It was one thing to justify his actions to others, but to Harry it felt strange. To a child and his black and white world, how could he explain all the gray? How could he explain the harsh choices he had made in times of desperation? But, he had criticized James for avoiding the truth with Harry. He couldn't very well do the same thing. "Harry, I made a rash decision. It cost one innocent man his life."
"You what?" asked Harry, looking shocked.
Remus swallowed. It was much harder to face his actions when it came to Harry. Guilt washed over him again. "It was to stop Greyback. I hadn't intended to kill the man…but it came down to that or Greyback winning…"
"But there is always another way!"
"Is there?"
Harry shook his head, disappointed, but moved on. "So now Dumbledore doesn't trust you? It is not really surprising."
"I suppose not. But, either way, to defeat Voldemort we are all going to have to work together. We have strength in our unity."
Harry nodded, but Remus could sense a distrust forming in him as well.
The next day Remus left Grimmauld Place early for Hogwarts. He had not been to the castle since his arrest. Remus could not tell whether its familiar, vast stone walls were comforting or not.
Remus approached the entrance to Dumbledore's office cautiously. The gargoyles sat with their stony eyes staring him down. Did he detect a twinge of skepticism in their cold faces? Maybe he just imagined it. "Mars Bar," said Remus and the gargoyles opened the stairwell to Dumbledore's office. Approaching the door, he knocked.
"Come in, Remus," said Dumbledore. Remus entered the circular office. Dumbledore was seated behind his desk. His blue eyes looked at Remus warily. "Please sit down."
Remus sat. Neither party said anything for a few moments.
Silence.
Fawkes rustled his wings.
A howl emanated from the school grounds.
Silence.
"The 'greater good', Remus," started Dumbledore, "is a dangerous thing."
Silence.
"I am guilty too, for far too long putting it above the lives of individuals," continued Dumbledore. "But, we must stop ourselves before things get out of hand. Restraint is essential…"
"Restraint?" said Remus. "Restraint is what lead to the deaths of hundreds of great witches and wizards."
"And how many will die by your hand, that you will justify by necessity, before the 'greater good' is no longer good? Say you win. What world are you leaving behind you?"
"You distrust my judgment," said Remus.
"How can I not?"
"But you ask others to unfailingly believe in yours?" asked Remus. "I am not the only one making decisions on the basis of the greater good. I am not the only one with questionable judgment."
"Severus again?" asked Dumbledore wearily.
"Among other things."
"It is time to let schoolboy grudges end."
"You really think this has to do with that?" said Remus. "I told you that in my world he killed you!"
"Things are different here," said Dumbledore.
"You really think so? Because I am finding the exact opposite! May I remind you that Snape is partially responsible for sending me to Azkaban!" exclaimed Remus. He calmed himself. "Look, Albus, Snape aside, we need to work together to stop Voldemort. You were a professor when he was here, so you know more of his past and I—well I know more of his future. These Horcruxes, we need to find out what and where they are."
"Yes, we will get to that. First, I think I have news that you might want to hear—Tonks managed to repair relations with most of the werewolves from the village. They, of course, are not happy with the Ministry, the Order, or you for that matter, but they are willing to trust in her, despite being betrayed in the past," said Dumbledore pointedly.
"I am glad to hear it." Remus sharply drew in a breath.
"Yes. Now, for this matter of trust. I understand your time in your world was difficult. But justifying betrayal and murder with 'necessity'? Where will it stop? What makes you any different than the Death Eaters except for the ideology you use to justify your actions?"
Remus slowly let out his breath. He had been avoiding this. Perhaps because he thought that it would make his resolve seem weak, maybe he just didn't believe it—maybe he wanted to think that he would do anything it took to keep this world, the people he cared about safe. Maybe he was just afraid that if he said the words out loud that he would drown in his regret. "Yes," started Remus, "like many Death Eaters, I manipulated a situation for certain means, even if it meant hurting others in the process. But I never meant to kill Derrick."
"What happened then?"
"I needed Greyback to put his trust in me, even if it was just for a moment. Greyback had arranged a fight to death between a werewolf from the village, Derrick, and me. I won…to gain Greyback's trust. However, I never intended to kill Derrick. I stabbed him in his side, which I knew would bide him some time. I tried to wandlessly cast some healing spells at the time and after tried to heal him—but it was too late.
"I feel regret and guilt. Derrick was a good man and I used him. But, still, in that situation there was little else I could do. One or both of us would die and, if both, Greyback would still be at large. I do not expect forgiveness..."
"No, forgiveness you will not receive. Understanding, perhaps, could be possible," said Dumbledore, leaning over his desk, staring Remus directly in the eyes. "You come from a place of desperation. Desperation is understandable, but it is an extremely untrustworthy place to come from."
"You already know my motivations for what I do. You see how far I will go to achieve 'what I deem necessary'. I am for all intensive purposes predictable," said Remus calmly.
"Yet your bluntness on the subject makes you all the more a mystery. I also wonder, since you maintain necessity, yet also espouse regret, how likely it is for such events to occur in the future."
Remus nodded. "I have killed three wizards in my life. Two I feel little remorse over: Greyback and Lucius Malfoy—"
"Malfoy?"
"At the end of the war against Voldemort. Even until then, although so many good men and women had been slain by the Death Eaters, I had not used a single unforgivable. Until he—" Remus's voice caught. "I killed him. I will not tell you that I am a good man, and no, I wouldn't trust that I will always act in accordance with ethical justice. But, I with Derrick I made a mistake. I would not willing put a good man or woman's life at risk like that again."
Dumbledore nodded, his eyes piercing through Remus once more, but he didn't press farther. Instead he then gave Remus a rather tired look. "I believe there to be several horcruxes."
"Several?" said Remus, his body staggering in his seat.
"Yes. Voldemort values his soul very little compared with his life. I only have guesses to what some of them are. Two I am fairly certain of. Tom Riddle is the last member of the Gaunt family, descended from Salazar Slytherin. There is a locket passed down from heir to heir. Next, his diary…"
"But that was destroyed already," said Remus.
"Yes. I am guessing that he would have also made relics of Hufflepuff and Ravensclaw into horcruxes as well."
"But how will we know when to stop looking?" asked Remus. "Voldemort has killed many people."
"I have a theory that we might find out from the man who taught Tom Riddle a little about them. He will likely be resistant to giving up the memory, however."
"Who?"
"Horace Slughorn."
Remus cringed at the name. If there ever was disingenuous man, it was Horace Slughorn, his former potions professor. "How do you intend on retrieving this memory? And what happens if it doesn't exist?"
"Remus, these walls have eyes and ears. We will find out what we need to know," said Dumbledore sternly. "We can start with possible places to hide the horcruxes. I want you to check the residence of the Gaunt family for the locket."
"Glad Voldemort was never one to be random," mused Remus.
"Indeed."