Chapter Thirty-Eight: Choices

Now:

When Revan entered Carth's medbay room, she was shocked to find him sitting up, hunched over slightly with his fingers laced together resting on his lap. When she had left four hours ago, he was talking in barely-there whispers. Had the kolto worked that quickly? And where was Mission? She hadn't seen the teenager in the waiting room where Nal was now sitting, and she hadn't been in Carth's room. Neither had T3-M4, now that she thought of it.

Carth knew Revan was there, but he didn't acknowledge her. Similar feelings from when she first met him on Taris had surfaced in Carth: Betrayal, anguish, pain. She hadn't felt those from Carth in a long time. What had happened in the last four hours?

Revan walked up next to his bed and sat down. "Hey," she said, gently placing a hand on his shoulder. "What are you doing up?"

Carth didn't reply, but continued to stare downward at his hands. While Revan could feel his emotions, she didn't want to read his mind. "Carth?" she asked.

She watched as he closed his eyes, his brow wrinkling. "Why did you come back?" Carth whispered, pain laced in his voice. "I told you I never wanted to see you again."

Revan felt like she'd just been smacked across the face. She removed her hand from his shoulder. She hadn't told him the details of finding Dustil on Korriban—no one knew besides Canderous. So how…

Had he remembered? Had he pressed Mission to give him details of Korriban and the incident on Citadel Station? However he found out, he knew what had transpired between the two of them; she could sense his thoughts lingering on their screaming match in the tomb. Revan hesitated, wondering if Carth simply wanted her to leave now that he remembered everything, or if it was truly a question he wanted an answer to. If it was an honest question, then somehow 'Canderous made me' wasn't a good enough answer. Revan wanted to tell the truth, but not the Truth. "T3 recorded your argument with Dustil and forwarded the vid. I saw… everything." Carth winced at the mention of the event that placed him in doctor's care, but Revan wasn't sure what he was specifically reacting to. The physical pain he was in? Coming face to face with Dustil's anger? His thoughts were too muddled to read.

For the longest while, he said nothing in return. "I'll leave you be," Revan whispered, her voice wavering even though she'd tried to keep her tone even. She loved Carth, and under any other circumstances would fight to keep him, and would do so once the time was right. But maybe for now, as painful as it was, it was best to leave him alone.

She stood from the bed to exit the room, but Carth's hand firmly grabbed her arm, stopping her from going any further. She looked back at him. His expression was one of hurt and exhaustion. He stared back at her for a moment before shaking his head and breaking eye contact. He let go of her arm, and Revan sat back down. "Talk to me," she calmly said.

His voice lowered to a whisper. "You don't understand," he said, his voice cracking.

She sat down again. "Then help me to."

Carth closed his eyes. He was silent for a moment; Revan could sense him trying to find the words. "I can't believe you came back… after everything I said to you… I just…" He paused, then squeezed his eyes shut. "I was wrong," he hoarsely whispered. "You were… right about Dustil." The pain in his voice was agonizing to hear. "I overreacted and, and didn't…" He paused again. "I'm sorry."

Revan blinked. Did Carth just tell her she'd been right about Dustil being a Sith? She was too stunned to say anything. Carth looked uneasy; it took a lot for him to state his actions were wrong back on Korriban. Revan's instinct was to start rambling 'I'm sorry' to make him feel better, but what specifically was she apologizing for? Honestly believing Dustil was a vision?

"You have nothing to apologize for," Revan carefully said. "You were defending your son. You've told me before you'd do anything for him."

"But I should have asked you before… before I…"

"Don't do this to yourself," she said. "We were both wrong, Flyboy. Please don't think you're the only guilty party."

"I shouldn't've said to you… I should've—"

"I know," Revan interjected, "and I know you feel horrible about it now. But please stop." She brushed her fingers across his temple and down his jaw. "Everyone was wrong. You, me, Dustil. And I love you too much to watch you beat yourself up over this."

"But I didn't listen to you!" Carth angrily said. Those were Dustil's words. Dustil yelled at his father for not listening, for assuming he had all the answers when he walked in on the battle. Although Dustil was correct, Revan thought, she hadn't exactly attempted to correct Carth. Instead she had bolted for the exit.

"Didn't listen to me when I said what?" Revan carefully asked. "Not to go into the tomb? That Dustil was dangerous?" Carth shivered and said nothing. She took a deep breath, then cautiously explained. "That tomb was filled with darkness, so much so that it can cause hallucinations. That's why I didn't want you going in there in the first place." She closed her eyes and scolded herself for bring up an 'I told you so' even though that wasn't her intent. She paused, then decided it was time for Carth to hear the truth from her point of view. "I thought Dustil was an illusion."

Revan opened her eyes and saw Carth looking at her. "What?" he asked. She hesitated, then told her side of the story, everything she had told Canderous, including how she thought Carth was an illusion, too.

"You really didn't know?" he asked. His tone was purely inquisitive.

"I've never lied to you, Carth," she whispered. "It wasn't until you ran to Dustil that I knew…"

He turned away. "And me yelling at you didn't help matters much."

She felt his guilt return. "Oh Carth, please," she said. "You have nothing—"

"Mission said I made you leave," he whispered. "She was so adamant about it."

"And you believe everything a fourteen-year-old says?"

"When she's right." He sighed heavily. "I could have done something to stop this. I should have listened. I should have—"

"Listened to what?" Revan asked, partly in confusion. "Carth, you keep repeating that you should have listened. Do you really think you would have been able to handle right then and there that I thought it was all a trick brought on by the Dark Side? Do you really think you would have stopped being angry and forgiven me on the spot? Carth, you acted like a parent, like a father. You had every right to protect you son, even if you didn't fully understand what happened. As Dustil's father, you did the right thing. Never second guess or doubt your action in the tomb."

"But the words I said to you—"

"Carth, you're upset that you didn't listen to me then, but you're not listening to me now," Revan snapped. "You're always taking responsibility for things beyond your control. You couldn't control the visions, nor could you control Dustil, just like you couldn't control what happened to Telos. You did nothing wrong! You're so used to being in command, but you also have to realize that sometimes there are things you—" She stopped, realizing she was repeating the same words that Canderous shouted at her days before. "—can't control," she softly finished. Revan looked away, her thoughts lingering on her last sentence. Damn Canderous for being right.

"Next you're going to tell me things beyond my control aren't worth lingering over," Carth sighed. "And that I shouldn't dwell in the past and should focus on the here and now, paying attention to what I can control and acknowledging what I can't."

She looked at him.

Carth resumed staring at his hands. "Ana used to tell me that all the time."

His wife, Revan thought.

"It's scary," he continued. "You used the same exact words she used."

"Was she Mandalorian by chance?" Revan asked. He looked at her, almost shocked she had asked him that question. She smiled. "Canderous gave me this same speech a couple days ago."

"Over what?"

Revan was slightly embarrassed. "Over… what Dustil did to you," she mumbled. "I kept yelling at myself that I shouldn't've left. I should have been here when Dustil awoke. I could have prevented this." She stared down at the floor. "Now that I look back, there's so much more I could have done in the tomb, so many other ways I could have stopped Dustil. But in the heat of the moment, I… I couldn't think of anything else than what I did.

"My main concern was to protect you," she continued. "Whether I thought you were a vision didn't matter. I wasn't going to let Dustil kill you. I knew what he was capable of, and I did what I had to do to protect you. I never meant to hurt Dustil, let alone bring him so close to death. I tried to tell you he was dangerous in his current state, but…" Her voice trailed off.

"I didn't believe you," Carth finished. Revan stared down at the floor, her thoughts going back to that eventful day. She felt Carth's guilt surface again. "And then I told you to leave," he whispered, his voice barely audible.

"We both made choices neither of us should have been forced to make," she said.

There was a long silence before Carth spoke. "I have to ask," he said, his tone turning serious. "If T3 hadn't…" He hesitated. "If you didn't see the argument, would you have come back?"

Revan tensed up. She had run away, attempting to start a new life. And she was pretty good at it, too. She'd lucked out with Nal, there was no denying that. But the smuggling life wasn't her. Could she do it? Sure. But for how long? Would she have eventually quit, cashing her credits in and getting an apartment on Corellia or a home in Naboo's lake country? What if she'd taken Canderous up on his offer and relocated to Dxun to help train the Mandalorians? What if Canderous had fallen for her misaimed advance?

"I don't know," she admitted, her voice a whisper. "I… I almost…" She forced herself to finish the sentence. "I almost didn't come this time. I didn't think you wanted me back. I…" He needs to hear the truth, she thought. "Canderous gave me no choice. He said he was going to drag me here if necessary. I kept telling him you wanted me to leave, and he kept telling me that the fight you and I had didn't matter anymore. It… It wasn't until I saw you all beaten and bruised that I realized he was right."

There was a pause before Carth said, "Sounds like Canderous has been right about a lot of things lately."

"It's a sign the Force is out of balance."

She heard Carth snort.

There was another long pause, this time the silence between them seeming to last forever. Revan finally spoke. "So where does this leave us?"

Carth exhaled. "We can't pretend nothing happened."

She waited, then said, "But we can move on." She waited again for him to say something. When he didn't, she looked at him and added, "We'll take it slow. Give us each a chance to, to… cope." Revan wasn't even sure if 'cope' was the correct word, but Carth didn't correct her. Instead he nodded in agreement, then went back to staring at his hands.

"We found Dustil," Revan continued. "Canderous and HK are keeping an eye on him back at your apartment." She hesitated for a moment before adding, "Dustil still needs you and your help. And I need you." She moved from sitting on the chair to sitting on the edge of his bed. Carefully she rested her hand on top of his. "Do you forgive me for my actions?"

His eyes met hers. "Do you forgive me for my words?"

"Do you forgive me for listening?"

Carth frowned. "I don't know," he said, shaking his head. Revan's heart sank.

Then he gave her a lop-sided grin. "You might have to work for it."

Revan blinked, not sure at first what Carth meant. Then she smiled. Almost a year ago, Carth had apologized for not trusting her and asked for her forgiveness. She defused the tension by replying that he'd have to work for it. When Carth asked what he'd have to do, she told him to kiss her. It was worth it then to see his face turn scarlet and watch him uncomfortably twitch. "What am I going to have to do?" she innocently asked, echoing his statement from a year ago.

Carth smiled and shook his head. He was silent for a few seconds, then whispered, "I'm glad you came back, Beautiful."

"Somebody's got to keep an eye on you, Flyboy." A few moments passed before Revan asked, "So, you feel well enough to move?"

"Move where?"

"Home," she said.

"Dustil's there with HK and Canderous, right?" he asked. Revan nodded. "Maybe I should just stay here. I'm not…" He hesitated.

"You're not ready to see him yet?" Revan carefully finished. Carth said nothing. "If it makes you feel any better, I think I've scared him straight for the time being."

Carth looked alarmed. "You told him you were Revan?"

She smiled. "Not exactly." She relayed the tale of Dustil's apprehension and the bounty hunter's ambush, including Canderous's injury and Dustil's reaction to Revan's resolution of the situation.

"So informing the bounty hunter that you were the one who killed Malak was enough to scare Dustil?" asked Carth after Revan finished telling the story.

"I think HK's presence helped some, too," she said. "But between my words and actions, both with getting rid of the thugs and healing Canderous… I believe Dustil realized he was well over his head." She stood up. "Get some rest. I'm going to head back and check to see how he's doing."

"What are you going to tell him about the Jedi Council?" Carth asked.

"I don't know yet," she said. "I still think it's in his best interest to see them and have them help—"

"No," Carth said. "The Sith screwed him up. I'm not having the Jedi do the same."

"The decision is Dustil's. And whatever he chooses, you must respect it. Otherwise the two of you are back where you started from. You two don't need your relationship strained anymore than it already is."

Carth took a deep breath. "I was hoping you wouldn't say that."

"Let me talk with him and see if I can find some peaceful resolution."

Carth was still concerned. "And if he asks you questions about you and your past?"

"Well," she said, "he has no reason to suspect I'm anyone other than Liana Suul, but I'll answer any question he asks. Okay?"

Carth nodded.

Revan waited, then asked, "So are we okay, Flyboy?"

He looked at her and nodded. "We're okay."