Chapter 33: Grief

Also known as: Commiseration and Soup

Corrin stared at nothing, her vision out of focus. She shivered in the cold embrace of the morning air, her eyes stinging when she blinked. They were raw from crying. Raw and red and puffy. Her throat burned as if her screams had torn open her flesh. It hurt more than the scratch on her stomach, the dull throb a constant reminder of what she'd done.

And the tears would come again. Her throat would seize, her lungs struggling for air. She pressed her head into her knees, screaming through the pain without making a single sound. Her silent scream took all the air from her lungs. It ripped through her throat. Her entire body shuddered as she curled up into herself again and again.

Her allies came to comfort her, of course. For many hours after she'd been found, curled up in the dirt, Camilla had refused to leave Corrin's side. Even after Sakura had given her a thorough check over to make sure she wasn't injured anywhere else, Camilla insisted on hugging Corrin to her chest.

Corrin hadn't the energy or willpower to protest, and Camilla was warm. She still retained that soft, womanly scent that Corrin had never been able to place. A familiar perfume that settled her thundering heart.

Hours had passed since then, the beginnings of dawn on the horizon. Corrin sat, curled up against a broken stump, and felt nothing. Numb. Hollow. There weren't enough words to describe it. She stared off at nothing, unable to feel time passing around her. The sounds filling their camp reached her ears but she didn't listen. Familiar voices drifted past but she closed herself to them. She was vaguely aware that someone had told Jakob to watch over her. He was in the corner of her vision, the only thing she let herself see.

She was sure that he would be by her side even if the ground swallowed her up right now. She almost wished it would.

She hadn't been able to say anything except that she'd been attacked. The words wouldn't come. They hitched, tight in her throat, and she would choke. Even now she felt the guilt tighten around her windpipe, closing off her airways slowly, slowly, slowly. She was barely breathing. She barely felt alive.

The weight of what she'd done was oppressive. Crushing. A weight tied to her heart, sinking it into her stomach with every beat.

How could she tell them? How was she supposed to do that? To tell them what she'd done? That she'd robbed them of their mother once again? That she'd been the one to hear their mother's last words, her of all people?

It shouldn't have been her. It should have been Ryoma and Hinoka and Takumi and Sakura. They should have been the ones to cradle her as she died, as she faded into nothing.

It should have been them.

As dawn began to break over the plains of Valla, excitement rippled through the camp. It was enough to make Corrin stand, to steal sharp breaths of cold air, and scan her allies. Her heart, still heavily cemented in her stomach, flopped anxiously. She looked to Jakob with cautious hope as he too cast his eyes over their group.

All it took was one cry of "they're back!" for Corrin's heart to skip, for her to gasp and stumble over her feet as she rushed to the edge of camp, following the excited calls of her allies.

And there they were – some limping, others holding each other up – her remaining allies shuffled over the horizon. The striking black of Leo's armour stood out against the dull morning light. That was enough for Corrin, and many of her allies, to break into a run. She ignored the insistent throbbing on her stomach. She ignored the burn of her lungs, of her throat. All she saw was Leo and Elise and Takumi and that they were okay.

Leo was limping, his retainers helping him walk with his arms over their shoulders, but he was walking. And smiling. And Elise was smiling and Takumi was smiling.

And Corrin was crying again.

Elise brightened, leaving her limping brother behind and tackling Corrin with a hug. It was enough to send them into a spin, Corrin barely maintaining balance as Elise swung her legs off the ground.

"I'm back!" Elise cheered, burying her face into Corrin's chest.

Corrin had no words, she could only breathe a laugh of absolute relief.

"Careful," Leo chided, though he still wore a smile. "You almost threw Corrin off her feet."

Corrin didn't care. She blinked through her tears and mouthed 'thank you,' to Kaze, who gave her a humble nod. She looked to Takumi, his eyes already on her. Her heart fluttered in her stomach and she held Elise a little tighter, suddenly finding it even harder to speak.

"Takumi…!" Sakura gasped, breaking through the throng of people to get to her brother. "Oh, thank the Gods you're all right! I thought… I thought…" She sniffled, stealing her gaze away to her feet.

"I'm so glad to see you're okay," Hinoka chimed. She smiled confidently at her brother but there was no mistaking the relief on her face. She and Ryoma exchanged smiles as their retainers returned to their proper place at their sides.

Only a moment passed before Camilla was doting on Elise, hugging both her and Corrin tight. Xander couldn't help but smile too, at the display.

There was relief for the safety of their missing allies but concern over the number of injuries they'd sustained. There were tears and laughter. Hinata and Oboro almost bowled Takumi over, both of them barely holding back their tears.

As the excitement wore off and a sense of normality returned, so too did the pit in Corrin's stomach. She saw the smiles, the joy, on her allies faces and longed to feel the same.

She wished that feeling had lasted. That the pit in her stomach hadn't swallowed her relief, hadn't drained the smile right off her face. It had sent her heart pounding, drumming in her ears, in her chest, reminding her of what she had to do.

The pit in her stomach refused to swallow the lead that sank into her gut. She dragged her feet, breathed through the weight compressing her lungs, her throat. She forced herself to call a meeting with her siblings. To pull them aside. Hinoka and Ryoma were with their respective retainers, Sakura by their makeshift infirmary. It didn't take long for her to find Takumi, though she hadn't expected him to be shirtless.

She froze, mouth open, words halfway out of her mouth, and watched Takumi blush right to his ears.

"Corrin!" Takumi gaped, his voice cracking on her name. He stole a glance to Oboro, motioning his hands towards her wildly. His retainer had his robes and was finely sewing them back together with dexterous stitches. There was a fresh wound on Takumi's shoulder, another on his arm.

"She's… she's just repairing my clothes…" Takumi forced out, flicking his eyes away as he burned under Corrin's stare. Hinata snickered.

Corrin became acutely aware of the heat on her face, and her stomach churned. "I need to talk to you. When it's done." Her tone fell flat. She swivelled on her feet and walked away, swallowing the bile rising up her throat.

What was she doing, staring at him like that after what she'd done? Her traitorous heart fluttered away in his presence, whenever she saw him, and she felt ill.

She didn't deserve this feeling. This happiness.

She didn't deserve to feel anything at all.

Corrin didn't meet Takumi's eyes when he joined her, Ryoma, Hinoka and Sakura a few metres from camp. No one had said anything but the air was heavy. Ryoma's expression was serious, Sakura nervously glancing at them as she wrung her hands in her lap. Hinoka sat cross-legged, arms folded, looking as uncomfortable as the rest.

"What's going on?" Takumi asked, breaking the uneasy silence. He looked to Corrin as she sat there, her crimson eyes hollow and dark. She looked bleak and pale. There was nothing in her eyes – nothing but a shadow he couldn't place but one he'd seen before. She blinked and it faded, though its influence remained. There was no light in her eyes.

"Corrin was attacked," Ryoma said, sullenly.

"What? When did this happen?"

"Last night," Corrin said, not meeting his eyes. She didn't meet anyone's eyes. Her voice was flat, toneless, as if she were reciting something off a page or as if it took every ounce of energy in her body just to speak. "It was the same person who attacked me when I leapt into the Canyon. The one who killed Scarlet."

Ryoma's expression hardened. Corrin forced everything down. Her tears. The pounding of her heart. The air in her lungs.

"The next thing I knew, they were gone." She stared at the gap between Ryoma and Hinoka, letting her vision swim and fall out of focus. Despite that, she saw Takumi look to Ryoma, she saw Sakura shift uneasily where she sat. "And when I turned around… I saw Mother."

Corrin bit the inside of her cheek as their eyes snapped to her.

"What?" Takumi gaped as Hinoka said, "You saw Mother? How?"

"Anankos has the power to resurrect people. To use them as puppets." It hurt to speak. She pressed her lips tightly together to stop them from trembling. Her hands, curled tightly into fists, began to throb.

Sakura gasped sharply, bringing her hands, clasped tightly together, to her chest. "No…"

Corrin blinked back the burning sensation behind her eyes. "She… She asked me to kill her…"

A breath of silence washed over them. A silence of shock, of realisation. A volatile silence that shattered as Sakura choked back a sob. Corrin made the mistake of looking at her. The pain in her eyes, brimming with tears, she cupped her hands over her mouth as they shook. Corrin stole her eyes away but the effect was instant. Her throat closed up. Her heart staggered, breath catching. She felt as if her veins had turned to ice.

"I'm sorry…" It was all she could say. It was all she needed to say for her siblings to realise what she'd done. "There was nothing else I could do…"

"But she… she could've come with us…" Takumi stared in disbelief at Corrin as if she'd say something else, as if she'd brush it off like a joke. As if it had all been some cruel joke. "What about Azura's song? It freed me, so couldn't it–?"

"I'm sorry." She shook her head slowly. Her fringe fell in front of her eyes, casting them in shadow, hiding them from her vision. "I tried."

"What… what happened?" Hinoka asked. "Did you… did you really…?"

She nodded. "She told me to say… that she loves you." Slowly, Corrin raised her eyes. She looked to them all, one by one, laying bare her heart. Her eyes were full of tears, tears she didn't blink away. "She loves you all so, so much. It was the last thing she said."

And they should've heard it from her. Not second-hand. Not from a traitor and a liar. A liar who couldn't bring herself to tell them everything else their Mother had said.

Sakura broke into tears. She sniffled uncontrollably, shoulders shaking, breathing in broken gasps and sobs, even as Hinoka wrapped her in a hug and held her tight. Takumi couldn't say anything. He couldn't do anything but stare, but see his two sisters break down. Corrin couldn't watch. She wished to block it all out, to shut herself down so she didn't have to feel.

She didn't want to feel Ryoma's consoling hand on her shoulder. She didn't want to see the grief on his face, she didn't want to hear his voice break as he said, "You did what you could."

She hadn't done what she could. If she had, their mother would still be alive.

If she'd realised it back then, their mother would still be alive. If she hadn't passed it off as a dream. If she'd dug deep into her memories, if she'd listened to her instincts, Queen Mikoto would still be alive.

Corrin distanced herself from her siblings after that. She couldn't look at them without her heart sinking, without feeling hollow and empty. She'd told them what she'd done and they hadn't blamed her. That should have been enough.

But it wasn't, because they still didn't know. They didn't know who Corrin was. What she'd learnt.

And she could hardly believe it herself. She wanted to pass it off as a cruel lie, just like the smile on her mother's face as she beckoned Corrin closer, but her heart said otherwise. Her instincts said otherwise.

But where did that leave her? What was she supposed to do now? She felt foreign in her own skin. A stranger in her own body.

Not a Princess of Nohr.

Not a Princess of Hoshido.

The daughter of a monster.

She wanted to laugh. To scream. To tell someone, anyone, to have them prove her wrong. Because it didn't make sense. It didn't make sense that it did. It was so improbable, so unbelievable that Corrin had no choice to accept it.

The only one who would have any chance of understanding was Azura. Corrin sought her out and, without even saying anything, Azura gave her a patient smile. It must have been the look on Corrin's face. The empty look in her eyes.

"Are you all right? Is there anything I can help you with?" Azura asked, and it was the soft smile on her face, the understanding in her eyes, that had Corrin caving in. She nodded slowly. Forced a deep breath, forced herself to calm.

"There is… something…" Corrin sat down besides Azura, staring down at her feet. She went to speak but the words wouldn't come. They stuck in her throat. On her tongue. And all she could focus on was Azura sitting there, waiting for her to say something but she couldn't and that only made it worse. Her throat clamped down tight. The horror of what she wanted to say coiled around her neck and squeezed. Seconds passed as the silence became deafening.

But Azura sat there beside Corrin. There was something soothing, something calming, about the way Azura didn't expect anything from her. She didn't press. Didn't ask her to clarify, didn't stare. Azura just sat comfortably beside Corrin and waited.

"I think… Anankos is my father."

The change in Azura's expression was infinitesimal. Barely a widening of her eyes. "What makes you think that?" she asked. The calmness of her voice, the simplistic question, made it easier for Corrin to speak. The coil around her neck loosened and she swallowed.

"It… it was something my mother said…" Another thing she had to explain. Again. "Anankos resurrected her and possessed her body. I… had to kill her."

I had to.

Corrin swallowed that down and continued. "She said that she's the younger sister of Arete… your mother."

Azura's eyes widened.

Corrin almost laughed. "I guess that makes us cousins." Despite that revelation, tears stung Corrin's eyes. What she was about to say hurt even more. "My mother was saying something about my father, that she hadn't told me who he was because of what he'd done and– and that it's up to me to defeat him…" She choked on her words, on a sob that leapt from her throat. "She was talking about him. About Anankos." Pain reared up her chest, tearing through her as a broken sob. She dropped her face into her hands. "Oh, Gods."

"Corrin…"

"I wanted to know. I wanted to! But Gods, I didn't want this." She shook her head, dug her palms into her eyes to force back the burning tears. How she still had any tears to cry, she didn't know. "He's my father."

Those last words came out as a whisper. A broken, faint whisper.

"That doesn't change who you are, or what you've done," Azura said.

"Don't you care?" Corrin huffed through her tears, through the pain of acceptance cutting through her. "He killed your father! He's the reason your mother's dead, the reason for this whole damn war!"

"But that's not you."

"I know. I know but it doesn't help. And it shouldn't even matter that he's my father because I had to kill Garon for Gods sakes!" Corrin clenched her teeth and screamed. She cried, doubling over and screaming at it all. At everything. At herself. She couldn't even form any words to scream, no obscenities, no curses, nothing. Only raw emotion, raw pain.

It was only when she stopped screaming that she swore. "Fuck." She swiped at her eyes with the backs of her hands. "Sorry."

"I think you have the right to say that," Azura said lightly. Corrin forced a tight smile but it fell away too quickly.

"What am I supposed to do…?" Corrin sighed. She leant back on her hands, forced a deep breath of air to fill her lungs. She exhaled too quickly, emptied her lungs too quickly. It would take more than that to calm herself down.

"What do you want to do?"

Corrin huffed a short, dry laugh. "I don't know."

"Give up?"

She couldn't laugh at that. "No."

"Does knowing he's your father change anything?"

"Doesn't it?"

"That's what I'm asking you."

Corrin sighed again. "No. I don't know. I thought knowing who my father was would help me feel like I had a place, a family. That I would know who I was."

"You do have a family," Azura said. "You brought together both halves of your family and sealed an alliance between them."

"And I have you." A small smile crept up on Corrin's face. A smile that had her feeling lighter. A smile that filled the pit in her stomach.

A smile that Azura returned, that had her feeling less alone.

Despite how well it went over with Azura, Corrin couldn't bring herself to tell anyone else. Not now. Not while it was still fresh and raw, not while it hurt like a freshly opened wound.

The atmosphere around camp was lighter and while Corrin still felt heavy, she could smile. She was no longer encased in fragile glass, always one tremor away from shattering. The ground beneath her feet felt solid. She could meet the eyes of her siblings and not turn away.

It wasn't long until they were getting ready to leave, to continue towards Gyges, the Vallite capital, following Anthony's directions. Corrin did her rounds, checking on each and every one of her allies as everyone got ready for the journey ahead. They'd had a few hours to rest and recuperate but a faint air of exhaustion still hung over them. Those that had gotten more than a miniscule amount of sleep were few. Corrin was sure she'd barely slept more than a few hours at most but she was use to that by now.

Corrin had done a final check over camp when she stumbled across Takumi and Leo in an actual conversation. Takumi was repairing a handful of arrows, the quiver in his lap, Leo sitting opposite him. She stood, stunned, for a moment, raising an eyebrow at Takumi when he met her eyes. She couldn't hear what they were saying but neither one was scowling, there were no arms folded, no eyebrows knotted. It was some kind of miracle, that's for sure. She'd made up her mind to go over and make sure she wasn't dreaming when Leo stood, giving her a nod, said something final to Takumi, and went to find his retainers. Corrin stifled a huff, cursing her bad timing, and walked up to Takumi.

"Since when are you two friends?" she asked jokingly. She stood a sensible distance from him but with her heart fluttering uneasily, she couldn't judge how comfortable Takumi was with her since their conversation earlier.

Takumi breathed a laugh. "Since we decided to commiserate over soup."

Corrin blinked at him wondering if she'd missed the punchline somewhere. "So… You're getting along now?"

"I guess… He does have a decent taste in books." Takumi shrugged and stifled a yawn. "Have you ever had 'stew' before?" He sounded the word on his tongue in such a strange manner that Corrin almost laughed.

"Of course I have," Corrin said. "You can't live in Nohr for long without eating stew."

Takumi seemed to ponder that for a moment. "It's like miso soup then…"

"I guess?" Now Corrin was even more confused, struggling to find a connection between stew and miso soup and commiseration. She took the moment to sit down beside Takumi, stretching her legs out. "I don't think I've had much miso soup though."

"What?" Takumi balked. "But it's so good! That's it – I'll just have to make you the best miso soup you've ever had." He said it with such certainty, such confidence, it had Corrin smiling. It seemed there were still things to learn about Takumi.

"You can cook miso soup?" Corrin asked. She'd been unaware that Takumi could cook at all.

Takumi huffed. "You're not Hoshidan if you can't!"

"Then I look forward to it."

Takumi looked up from the arrow he was working on and met her eyes, took in the warm smile on her face, and faked a yawn so he could cover the rising blush on his cheeks with his hand. He couldn't hide the way his lips pulled up into a smile to mirror hers.

"Are you tired?" Corrin asked. "Didn't get much sleep last night?"

"I got enough." Now he was struggling not to yawn for real. He only lasted a few seconds before he had to yawn and Corrin laughed.

"Of course you did," she said, openly chuckling at him. It wasn't long before she had a strong desire to yawn. "Now I'm going to yawn." She put on a pout, a hand ready to cover her impending yawn. "This is your fault."

"Serves you right," Takumi laughed as she yawned. His laughter, light and free, sent butterflies fluttering away in her stomach. The kind that spread through her veins, to the tips of her fingers and toes, and made her feel light-headed and happy. It made her want to smile, despite everything that had happened. And she did.

"I find it hard to sleep without a pillow anyway," Takumi said as an excuse, swallowing down his nightmare.

The butterflies must have gone straight to her head because she asked, "Do you want to use my lap as a pillow, then?"

She only realised what she said when Takumi dropped the arrow he was working on and stared. His mouth dropped open, eyes wide, cheeks a brilliant pink… it was exactly how he looked when she'd asked if she could sleep in his room…

Corrin flushed darkly and stole her eyes away as if his gaze burned. "I… I mean… Camilla used to let me rest my head on her lap all the time, so… so…" If the ground could just open up and swallow her right now it would be perfect.

"…Can I?"

She barely heard him, he spoke so quietly. She sucked in a breath, tight and sharp, as a jolt of heat shot through her veins. His gaze was as warm as hers when their eyes met. She swallowed, finding her throat suddenly dry, her tongue large in her mouth.

All he was doing was holding her gaze and she felt electrified. A fire had been lit inside her belly, consuming all the fluttering butterflies and igniting something different. Something deeper.

The shock mustn't have registered on her face because Takumi said, "If… if you don't mind…"

It took all her willpower to nod, to not tear her eyes away. Her heart was pounding so fast, so hard, it was a wonder he couldn't hear it. He'd already been sitting close to her but when he inched forward Corrin found she couldn't breathe. He slid over so their shoulders almost brushed, close enough so she could see each of his eyelashes, the rings of brown and green in his eyes. If he was any closer she would feel his breath against her cheek.

It only took a second but by the time Takumi rested his head on her lap, Corrin had resigned herself to never breathing again.

Gods. She hadn't realised how warm someone's head on her lap would feel. How tempting it was to run her fingers through his hair. His long, silky hair that draped down his shoulders and onto her lap. And his ribbon was within reach; it would only take a single tug and his hair would come undone.

"Sorry, my lap might not be the most comfortable thing in the world," Corrin said, trying to distract herself from Takumi's hair. Her fingers itched at her sides, she clenched them into fists.

"It's fine…" Takumi mumbled. He squeezed his eyes shut as if that would help him focus on anything but how her legs felt beneath his head. And he knew what this would look like if anyone came across them. He could barely breathe just from the thought.

When she'd offered this he hadn't thought that they'd actually go through with it. He'd thought it was a joke, her just teasing him, but a part of him, a large, large part of him, had wished it otherwise. That part had taken hold and he'd spoken before he could think. And once that had happened, well, there was no going back.

It wasn't long until Corrin caved and began to test the waters of how sensitive Takumi was to getting his hair touched. She traced a single finger down the length of his hair, barely touching, barely gracing those silver strands. It was a struggle not to just run her fingers through it completely, but Takumi hadn't reacted. He hadn't moved or twitched or said anything at all.

This time she ran a few fingers over his hair, down the length that was on her lap. It was as soft as she remembered. Soft and light. And again, he hadn't reacted.

Instead, he was burning up inside. He could feel every touch, every single time she touched his hair and he was smouldering inside and out. It wasn't that he minded. No, it was the complete opposite. It was the fact that what they were doing, what she was doing, was so intimate, such a public and obvious display of affection that his heart was running wild. His mind was screaming. He was doing all he could to make sure she didn't notice his complete and utter inner turmoil and how desperately he wanted her to just touch his hair properly.

He couldn't stop his breath from hitching when she dusted her fingers across his fringe.

She stole back her hand in a flash. "Sorry!" Corrin flustered. She'd gotten ahead of herself again. And Takumi clenched his jaw, his brow knitting together, cheeks burning…

He forced himself to take a deep breath. "I… don't mind," he said, his words hanging in the silence. He waited, nerves alight, so acutely aware of every movement she made. He was about to cave in and just ask if she could touch his hair when her hand returned.

Corrin brushed her fingers through his fringe, sweeping it across his forehead and letting her touch linger. She couldn't stop herself from smiling. She was almost giddy. She let her fingers delve into his hair fully, relishing the feel of his hair between her fingers. She undid his ribbon and soon had both of her hands in his hair. She wouldn't tie it up this time; she was having too much fun just playing with his hair, just enjoying the moment.

"Takumi… your ears are red," she pointed out, swiping a finger over the cusp of his ear.

He was dying inside and she didn't even know. He grumbled, the only sound he could make with his heart in his throat. He was falling apart just from her touch. Every stroke of her fingers through his hair was another fraction of his willpower gone. He was struggling not to sigh, to exhale the air he held tight in his lungs. He knew, if he did, it would come out breathy and wanting and he would be mortified.

Gods. He loved the feeling of her fingers in his hair.

"Milady?" Jakob's voice snapped Takumi from his trance as if Corrin's butler had doused him with a bucket of cold water. His eyes shot open to see Jakob standing in front of them, a few feet away, his expression as steeled as ever. Though the smile Jakob wore felt more icy than anything.

"Jakob!" Corrin gaped, her hands stealing away from Takumi's hair as if they'd caught on fire. She froze, her hands in the air, a look of shock stuck on her face.

Jakob only smiled, not offering a single comment on their predicament. "We're ready to move out," he said.

"Right. Of course." She had a sudden urge to jump to her feet, even if that meant throwing Takumi from her lap. Jakob gave her a final, professional smile, and a curt bow before he walked off. He hadn't been gone from their sight for a second when Takumi sat himself up. The blush on his cheeks matched hers.

Neither knew what to say. Neither wanted to move first. They sat there, shoulder-to-shoulder, for many tortuous seconds. When Corrin looked at Takumi, it was all she could do not to brush the long strands of his hair off his shoulder.

It was so tempting.

She handed back his ribbon, ignoring the way her fingers tingled as they brushed his hand, and stood. "Looks like we're on the move again," she said lightly as he stood and tied up his hair in a few swift, deft movements. She couldn't help but watch the way his hair swished as he tied it up. It was mesmerising, in a way.

Corrin and Takumi headed back to their allies as if nothing had transpired. Only the lingering blush on their cheeks said otherwise. Only the confused churning in Corrin's stomach said that something had happened.

Something had definitely happened between them. She just didn't know what it meant, if it meant anything at all.

im laughing commiseration and soup

Seriously.

Thank you all so much for reviewing! I managed to churn this chapter out in one sitting, even though it took me 5 hours.

What am i doing with my life

Anyway,

See you next chapter!