Chapter 38

Asuka lay in bed, hugging her knees to her chest, shaking uncontrollably. After what seemed like an eternity, her muscles finally unclinched, and she panted softly, involuntary tears running from her eyes. Please, just let them become one! They shouldn't have to suffer like this! Or atleast she shouldn't have to suffer. The boundary between extreme pleasure and extreme pain was hair-thin. She had passed it a few days ago. She no longer had any idea if they had or not. She also felt why Shinji and Rei didn't just give in to the longing. They knew deep within themselves that something was wrong. It was either the wrong time, or the wrong place. It felt almost like a miscarriage, though she of course had never experienced one. She imagined it felt something like this. She finally drifted off into a fitfull sleep.

Asuka's dream

She was again being left out.

She was always being left out.

Whenever something beautiful happened, it didn't happen to her.

Or worse, it happened near her, around her. Taunting her.

She sat beneath a tree. She could feel the rough bark pressed against her back.

The tree stretched up, seemingly almost endlessly.

The tree also stretched out, though not endlessly.

From one of these outstretched limbs hung a cocoon.

Inside pulsed two lifebeats, struggling with and against the longings within them.

She could feel it. She could feel the roots of the tree beneath her, trying to provide nourishment to them.

(That's absurd. That's not how trees work...)

The tree suddenly changed, becoming the Tree of Sephiroth. Third Impact. Waking up on the beach.

Shinji had chosen her. They had been the only two humans on earth. Why did he now forsake her? He was hurting her even now, he had connected with her just to hurt her as he and Rei transformed...

With a flash of white, everything was gone. Before her stood Kaworu. Beautiful Kaworu. Strong. Self confident. He pulled her into an embrace, which she returned, seeking out his lips with hers. Who needed Shinji? He had abandoned her.

She awoke, tears coursing down her cheeks. Why was she being forced to dream such hateful things? She turned over in the bed, squinting at the sunlight streaming into her apartment. She slowly sat up. Another day. She wondered how many more she could face.

Ritsuko sat eating lunch with her two patients.

"I'm... I've cancelled any further harmonics tests," Ritsuko told them. It kind of unnerved her the way the two of them had started mimicking each other. It wasn't perfect, which was, in itself jarring.

"Why?" Shinji asked. Inwardly he and Rei were relieved. Any separation between the two of them only made the longings worse.

"I don't know what effect they would have on you." Well, atleast they weren't talking in synchronization. She shuddered. She didn't know if she would have been able to handle that. With a start, she noticed something. Shinji seemed to be the only one who ever responded to her. It was one of the only things that marred their eerie synchronization. She watched their chopsticks rise to their mouths together. A perverse part of her wanted to experiment with this, but she suppressed it. It just felt wrong.

"Have you two been noticing anything else out of the ordinary? Dreams? Or..."

"Yes, actually." Shinji told her of the dreams.

Ritsuko was silent. She was no expert in dream theory or analysis, but some of it had sounded tantalizingly close to reality. Except for the part about the infinite synchro-scale. That part was probably just Shinji's response to all the progress he'd made before this had all started. He probably really did feel like he could improve forever.

She turned to Rei. "What about you? Have you experienced any similar dreams?" This was what really interested her. She knew from her readings that at some level, they were starting to share thoughts. Their REM patterns coincided precisely. She wouldn't be surprised if they were sharing dreams as well. If not for the fact that their lives were... were their lives in danger? She didn't know. She knew that something was supposed to happen. It almost seemed like a birth, or... Anyway. What if, like a birth, it required some special circumstances, or equipment? That was probably why they were resisting the change. It only made the situation more desperate. She had to work harder. She realized that Shinji had been answering her.

"I apologize, I wasn't listening, could you..." Then she realized that she had asked Rei the question. "Wait. Rei, what kind of dreams have you been having?"

Rei continued eating, her eyes down. "I've already told you," Shinji said, "I explained both dreams."

"But you said 'I' during both tellings," Ritsuko pointed out. Shinji and Rei both blushed. Ritsuko cringed. Synchronized blushing? She suppressed a hysterical giggle.

Rei looked down at her empty plate, then over at Shinji's, which was still half full. "I'm sorry, I guess I..." Shinji started to say, then Rei continued his sentence, "...didn't realize what was going on. It's easier if just one of us talks. If we talk at all." Shinji continued his meal.

"Talk at all... you mean... telepathy?" Ritsuko was at a loss for words.

They both blushed again. "I guess I forgot to mention that part. The connection between the three of us allows us to talk mind to mind."

"The... three of you?" Ritsuko asked, aware that she was starting to sound like an echo.

Shinji had finished eating. Rei looked down again, and Shinji answered. "Asuka is connected to us as well." Suddenly they both gasped, shutting their eyes. They turned to face each other, their hands automatically finding each other's hearts, their faces pinched in concentration. Behind her, Ritsuko heard the monitor softly beeping again.

Asuka emerged from the bathroom where she had just emptied her bladder, stumbling slightly and bumping into a wall. She was too tired to know or care what time or day it was. Days? Weeks? Day, night, she no longer knew the difference. When the pain in her stomach grew greater than the intense longing through the connection, she would eat. When she was able, she would sleep, if fitfully. Early on, she had helped Kensuke and Dr... the name escaped her weary mind. She slumped against a wall, wondering if she would be able to make it back to her bed. Then her entire body arched, and she fell to the ground, curling into a fetal position. Her last coherent thought was that the two of them must be going through another one of... whatever it was they went through.

At last the readings began to settle down. Ritsuko let out a breath she didn't know she'd been holding, slumping her head to the table. How much more of this could the children take? She looked over to the table, and found that the two had gotten back into bed. What was it she had just been discussing with them? She knew that there was something she was forgetting, but she was too tired to concentrate. Someone. Her eyes closed, and she drifted off into an exhausted slumber.

Asuka floated in a world of white. It was almost like the opposite of what she'd gone through before Shinji had rescued her from her mother. She didn't know which way was which. She slumped to the ground. Shinji's not here to rescue me this time. The images bombarding her sent exquisite waves of pleasure coursing through her. She slowly felt her sense of self eroding away, and wondered how long she had left in the world of the living. Death would almost be a relief.

All through her life she had known nothing but extremes. Her own mother had at first (before the resets) totally rejected her, even referring to her as 'that girl' and taking care of a doll in place of her. After the resets, her mother's love had held her together through Third Impact, and had helped heal her shattered mind in that... strange place in the entry plug. She had at first known the terrible pain of rejection, and now she knew how completely the two of them accepted her. Before Shinji had rescued her, she had almost gone catatonic from the terrible mental imagery bombarding her. Now she was about to lose herself in the opposite direction. To step over and experience... nothing... would be a relief.

If only she wasn't so thirsty.

"Asuka!" Ritsuko jerked awake with a start, wincing at the pain in her neck. She scrabbled around, finally finding a phone and dialing the emergency number. She only hoped she wasn't too late.

The ambulance screamed through Tokyo-3, weaving through the light traffic, finally screeching to a halt in front of the upscale apartment building. Paramedics swarmed out, one of them dragging a gurney.

The door burst open, and the few people standing around in the lobby looked up in surprise.

"One side! This is an emergency! Coming through!" Everyone made way for the EMT personnel as they rushed to the elevator.

One of the paramedics shoved the door to the apartment open, looking inside. He saw the crumpled figure lying in a fetal position on the floor. He rushed over, knelt and put his fingers to her throat. "Pulse is faint, but steady!" The gurney was pushed over, and Asuka was carefully lifted onto it.

Ritsuko looked at the monitor showing Asuka's vitals, all of them ticking along weakly. The girl had slowly degenerated, no matter what she did. Finally, in desperation, she had moved the girl into the same room as the other two pilots, and she had slowly stabilised. She cursed her slow thoughts. If only she wasn't so tired. She looked at the monitor showing the three pilots. Asuka's hands were crossed across her chest, her eyes squeezed shut. The other two were on either side of her, embracing her, their heads resting on either side of her neck. She shuddered at how perverse it might have looked to an outsider. But none of them was in any medical condition to... do anything, despite their nakedness.

She was enveloped in a feeling of warmth, and everything felt... right. Both extremes were now gone. Perhaps this was death. It felt better than she had expected. She only hoped that her own death had not caused any harm to the other two with whom she was connected. A tear slipped down the side of her eye. She felt it. She wasn't dead. She opened her eyes. She was lying in a hospital bed, no longer thirsty or hungry. Why did everything feel so comfortable? Had the other two died, and so relieved her of the pleasure and pain? No, she felt arms around her. She looked to her right and saw Rei's blue hair. The girl's head was pressed into her neck. She looked to her left, and saw Shinji's black hair, his head also against her. She felt the two of them embracing her. She turned a deep red, and slipped back into unconsciousness. The sudden relief that they were okay and the embarrassment at their positions mixing with how good it all felt was just too much for her.

"I'm sorry for everything we've put you through," Shinji sent.

Asuka looked down. The three of them sat in a close triangle, hands joined. Everything was white around them. There were no tears in this place. If there had been, none of them would have been able to communicate, telepathy or no. She felt that the three of them were almost perfectly synchronized. It almost felt the same as the training for the twin Angel.

"If only the link had not been needed," Rei said.

"I wouldn't have survived without it." There was a moment of silence before Asuka continued. "And I wouldn't give up what we have for anything."

Her words brought up a memory within Shinji which, through the shared bond, passed to the two others.

"Is it alright for the AT-field to separate you all, and cause you pain again?" Kaworu asked.

"I don't mind that," Shinji said. He had come to terms with his fear of being close to others, and allowing others to be close to him. He was by no means completely healed, but he felt that he could function in society. A society that he had destroyed by initiating Third Impact and collapsing everyone's AT-fields. Sorrow filled him. "But, what are the two of you within my heart?"

Rei spoke. "We are the hope... that people will one day be able to understand each other."

"And we are the words 'I love you,'" said Kaworu.

"But that's just a pretense," argued Shinji. "A selfish belief. Like some kind of prayer. It... can't possibly last forever." He paused. "Eventually, I'll be betrayed. And it will abandon me. But still, I want to see them again. Because at the time, I know my feelings were real." A peace filled him, as Rei/Kaworu arched backwards, her wings stretching and dissolving. He felt Third Impact reversing itself. Time seemed to come to a halt. He would have another chance after all.

"Pleasure and pain are a part of life." Asuka continued. Another memory arose.

Yui's hands were pulled away from his face as she retreated into the star-filled sky.

"Will you be alright, love?" She asked him. Sorrow filled him as he saw her fade into the distance.

"I still don't know where my happiness lies," Shinji answered. "I'll still think about why I'm here, and... whether or not it was good to come back. But that's just stating the obvious!" he said, realizing now the true extent of his former misery. He had run from... everything. Everyone. Even the ones who tried to help him. "I... am... myself." Realizing this, he arose from the reddish sea of LCL, and gazed upon the massive white Rei/Kaworu figure that had drifted down and settled into the ocean, now lifeless. "But what will you do... mother?"

Knowledge bloomed like a flower, spreading between the three of them. It felt as if they had transcended another plane. They knew at once what was happening, and what was needed. They also knew with a finality that there was no way for them to communicate it to the outside world.

"Is this what a child about to be born would feel, if he knew what was happening?"

Ritsuko stirred, again feeling the pain in her neck and back. She had once more fallen asleep at her desk. She sat up straight, staring at the readouts before her. Despite her tired state, things began to fall into place in her mind. She had finally completed the preparations for her own project, and now she knew what to do about these three. Well, two of them anyway. Well, she had an idea, anyway. But then, wasn't that always the way it was? With a sick feeling, she wondered what would happen to Asuka when... whatever it was happened. And if anything happened to Asuka, what would happen to the two of them? A tear slipped down her face, as she realized she might lose them all. She hated herself for the selfish thought, but it crept into her mind anyway.

What would happen to the resets with all of them gone?

Numbly, she forced herself to consider the options. They weren't numerous, or pretty. Everything would either end, permanently, or the Angels would overrun them, wiping them all out, and taking earth for their own.

Ritsuko pushed the ICU bed down the dim and deserted hallway. The three pilots were motionless in their triple embrace. Atleast they all looked to be at peace. She didn't know how much longer she could watch the three young children suffer.

So young, she thought, looking at their faces.

They shouldn't have to go through this. Whatever this even is! she thought angrily.

During the long journey to the harmonics test chamber, she had all the time in the world to consider the risk she was taking. And yet what was the risk of waiting longer to run more tests? She had been present as Kensuke interacted with the MAGI in his makeshift computer lab. She smiled slightly, remembering her stunned surprise.

"You what??" She couldn't believe it. The boy took her hand, leading her down the hallway to a door, and sliding it open. The sheer amount of equipment before her boggled the imagination. He had done this almost all by himself? She had to resist the urge to ravish him on the spot. Kensuke had just smiled, putting on headphones, and giving her a set. She put them onto her head.

"Hey, Casper," he had said cheerfully.

"Welcome back," a soft voice had responded. It had left Ritsuko speechless.

Ritsuko looked at the entry plug monitor. It had not been a difficult choice to determine which Unit's entry plug to use. She knew that at some level she was being selfish, but the scientific reasoning was on her side. Unit-01 held Shinji's mother, who would undoubtedly be able to give them more support than Naoko. She was pensive about her own mother. Did the woman hate her? She had followed Gendo's orders time and time again, even fashioning more solid restraints when Unit-00 had gone berserk.

Naoko must surely hate her. And yet she would have to put her own life in the woman's hands. She closed her eyes. Whatever happened, she would accept it. Though she had been used by Gendo to do terrible things, she too had been complicit. Whatever happened, she would be at peace. She opened her eyes.

Through the monitor, she saw that Shinji and Rei, though they were both unconscious, held each other as the plug filled with LCL. She glanced at Asuka. The small sleeping form lay on the bed, unmoving. Ritsuko sighed. Everything was on automatic here. Hell, she didn't even know for sure what was going to happen, much less what would be necessary if anything went wrong. It had been sheer luck that she had gotten enough information to make the guess that had led her to do this. She looked around the empty control room. There was no point in staying. It was time.

All the connections were complete. As the chamber closed around her, she had a moment of doubt. She let it fall away from her. If the three of them died, she would likely die as well, her experiment being so connected with theirs. It was so poetic, in a sense. She had tied her life to Naoko, who had grievance against her, and to the three children, who also might die because of her actions. She closed her eyes, seeing flashes and images that she had never seen before.

Then, darkness.