A/N: A big thanks to SirenBanshee. You are one amazing beta!
A/N: Sorry, not sorry
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Rage erupted in his veins. She had betrayed him! It had all been a lie! A complete lie! There was no way she could have stolen the Falcon.
Darkness swirled around him and, without much thinking, he ignited his saber. From the recesses of his mind, he could hear Rey yelling at him over the bond, begging him to allow her to explain. He ignored her. More so, he shoved at her violently and closed off their bond.
How could he have been so stupid? Had Snoke not warned him about the wiles of women? Was that not why he had offered him women to enjoy? So he would become immune to them? So he would know how to use them? Yet he had allowed one to come close.
Rey, his Rey, with her big, brown eyes and sparkling energy. There was nothing left but to hate her. There was nothing left inside him. All he had done, all he had tried to change seemed futile and stupid to him. What had he been thinking? Straying from the Dark? He had allowed her to seduce him to the Light, but no more!
He needed to destroy something, let something feel the depth of his rage. The Dark felt like a long lost friend. Security could be found in its embrace, a respite from having to deal with the pain. It only requested you feel it, fuel it, and use it.
Kylo paced the campfire, kicking the bag he had brought. The presence of the crystal was the only thing holding him back from shredding the bag and its contents to pieces. He might still have a use for it.
He was just contemplating felling some trees to burn away his fury when he could hear something crashing through the shrubs on the other side of the clearing. He bared his teeth in a ferocious scowl and prepared himself. What better way to deal with this, than by killing her?
"Ben! Ben, please! It's not-" Rey abruptly skidded to a halt when she spotted him, her eyes wide. "No," she whispered. "I won't lose you."
"Traitor!" he hissed. "Where's the rest of your clan, hmm? Are you truly so conceited to think you can rid yourself of me on your own?"
"Ben, no."
"Liar!" he screamed. "Liar! You've done nothing but lie to me! You're no different from all the others!" He advanced on her. "No more!"
"No!" she stated, stumbling back a few steps before determination strengthened her stance. "No!" Rey repeated, almost yelling. She reached for the staff that hung around her shoulders. "No! I refuse to lose you!"
Kylo laughed, sounding like a maniac even to his own ears. He didn't care, mania as much a long lost friend as Darkness was.
"You think you can defeat me with a stick?" he taunted. "It's just as useless as you are!"
He lunged at her but she managed to sidestep. Their sparring sessions had taught him all her weak spots, all her imbalances when she attacked. He was planning on making good use of that knowledge. He wanted her dead. Dead, gone, make the pain stop like he had meant for it to stop when he killed his father. This time, he would succeed. This time, he would surrender to the Dark in the moment.
Rey smacked her staff at his wrist and his knees. It frustrated him how she kept evading him, kept on the defence. Surely, she would want to attack. Surely, the only reason why she could have betrayed him was in order to do exactly that which he was going to do to her? Kill? This was a fight to the death after all.
His tumbling thoughts distracted him and Rey managed to hit his elbow, blowing his arm out wide. He swirled around, prepared to take another blow to his ribs, but it never came. Instead, something soft and light collided with him, something that wrapped itself around him with a grip that promised to never let go.
"I will not lose you," a voice against his back exclaimed. "I will not! Please come back to me, Ben."
He froze in place. Standing stock-still, his saber still pointing to the side from his half-performed turn, he contemplated what to do. A memory scratched the surface of his rage but he brushed it away. It made no sense. She was out to get him, no? She had betrayed him. What was going on?
"I don't want to hurt you, Ben."
He squeezed his eyes shut as his breathing sped up. It made no sense. His own reaction made no sense. Why wasn't he killing her? Why wasn't he taking advantage of the fact that she had thrown away her staff and was now defenceless, hugging him?
The Dark whispered in his ears, whispered to him about the greatness he would achieve if he simply killed her. Didn't he want to be great? Didn't he want to be fearless? Strong? Invincible? What was he waiting for?
"Please," he could hear the tears in her voice as her hands fisted further into the fabric of his coat, "please."
"You betrayed me," he managed to ground out.
"I did not! Please don't think that! It's not what it seems. I had no choice."
"The- That ship is difficult to misinterpret," he countered, feeling his anger rising again.
"She knew. Maz knew. She left me no choice."
He blinked at that statement, some of the haze clearing.
"Maz?"
"Yes. Please, Ben, please allow me to explain. I promise I did not betray you. I promise!"
Kylo stood contemplating. How could he trust her again after this? How could she ask for time if she'd come with that ship? How could that not be a betrayal?
"Ben? You said I wasn't alone. You said you would be there, with me. Please don't leave me."
He could tell she was now fully crying. Her arms were still wrapped around his waist, her face buried against his back. The sound of her sniffling seemed to pierce through his anger. It tugged at his heart, even though he didn't want it to.
Reluctantly, he extinguished his saber. When he stepped away from her, she let him. Even now, he could keenly feel the sudden absence of her warmth. It confused him. He felt lost, aimlessly floating in nothing. It scared him.
He watched as Rey roughly wiped the tears from her eyes. "I'll kill Maz for this," she mumbled under her breath before looking up at him. "I had it all planned out," she started explaining. "I was sure nobody knew. I have been very careful when checking the navigational system. I didn't breathe a word about it to anyone. But Maz was waiting for me in the hangar, looking at me with these knowing eyes. She didn't even try to stop me. She just said 'You're going with Chewie'.
"I tried to feign ignorance, I outright protested, but she just kept on staring at me. When I could find nothing more to say, she just repeated her words. 'You're going with Chewie,' she said. 'Give him the coordinates. He doesn't know why you're going or what you're going to do, and he won't ask, won't you, Chewie?' she said with a glance his way. 'He won't stray from the ship either.'
"It's Maz we're talking about here. I'm sorry, Ben; I really couldn't find another way. She gave me no choice. Chewie didn't ask and I didn't tell. He doesn't know why I'm here. He doesn't know you are here. Please believe me."
He looked at her, assessed her. Carefully, he opened their bond again, trying to find signs of lies. He was hit with a wave of fear, sadness, guilt, and pain. It caused him to narrow his eyes. Those emotions didn't tell him a thing.
Time stretched and seemed to stand still. He didn't know what to do. He didn't know what to believe. The Dark was still lurking at the edge of his consciousness, his anger still bubbling under the surface, but he had lost the need to bask in either.
It was when she said his name again and a wave of longing hit him, that he understood that she was genuine. His shoulders sagged as the remnants of his anger dissipated.
"Rey," he whispered, "I'm sorry."
He couldn't believe what he had done, how easily he had believed she would betray him. Why wasn't she shouting at him? Why wasn't she telling him what an idiot he was? How useless? Pathetic? Why wasn't she beating him senseless with her staff yet? He deserved it.
He could hear her walk closer but didn't look up. What had he done?
"You- You believe me?" she asked.
Her voice was trembling and it almost broke at the end. He could do nothing but nod. When her fingers gently touched his cheek, he sunk to his knees.
"Punish me," he said, head bowed. "However you see fit." He was barely conscious of the tear that rolled down his cheek.
"What? No!" She cradled his head, holding it against her stomach and trailing her hands through his hair.
"I deserve it," he mumbled against her clothes. She felt so warm. He wanted to accept her comfort, but he wasn't worthy of it.
"No! Please don't say that, Ben. The Falcon-" He flinched at the name and she cradled him even closer. "That ship holds a lot of memories for you. I don't blame you for jumping to conclusions. I should have warned you, but I feared you wouldn't stay if you knew. I thought- I thought you would prefer leaving and not seeing me over having to see the ship." Her words died out in a whisper.
"You didn't betray me," he murmured. The realisation was still sinking in. He felt tired, wrung out.
"No. I would never."
"How could you think I wouldn't want to see you?" He pulled back to look up at her. "You're my everything."
She caressed his cheek. "I'm sorry I couldn't prevent this from happening."
Kylo shook his head. "I don't deserve you."
"Yes, you do." Rey kissed the top of his head. "Yes, you do," she repeated. After a moment, she smiled. "It's awfully green here," she said.
He sat back on his heels and shook his head. "You can't just forgive me for this. That's impossible. Surely, you must want to punish me? Punish me."
Fresh tears swam in her eyes as he looked back up at her. "No," she said, grabbing his hand and trying to pull him to his feet. "I will not. I'm not your Master, Ben. Nobody is. You're your own man. And I do forgive you."
He finally allowed her to pull him up, staring at her in awe. She was right. He was his own man. Snoke was dead. Luke was dead. There was nobody left to rule him. He was the Supreme Leader. He ruled himself.
"Rey," he said, before pulling her against him. "How is it that you keep saving me?"
She didn't respond, merely wrapping her arms around him in return and sighing. He could tell she was relieved. It pained him to know that he was the source of her anxiety. No matter what she said about forgiving him, he would amend for his reaction. He would find a way to amend.
"Come," he said, stepping away and picking up her staff to hand it to her. "Let's go sit by the fire."