A/N: This chapter was difficult to write, but I hope you, the readers and reviewers like it nonetheless, as always I do not own Harry Potter, just any OCs and a tiny drop of the plot. –Maiden of the Heavens (MOTH)
Chapter 35
Is this what love was supposed to taste like? Was it supposed to taste like confusion-filled salty tears mixed with the smells of seal wax bits that were now wedged underneath their fingernails? If Severus truly wanted comfort, then this was not the way to gain it. This way would only leave them both feeling hollow, it also would feel to Annette as if she had been used, just so Severus did not have deal with the situation that had fallen upon both him and his mother.
She broke the kiss as fast as she possibly could, it felt like ripping off a Band-Aid, painful with a burning sting afterwards. She wiped away his tear-stained cheeks with her hands, she would help him through the turmoil he was currently going through as his friend, she was not going to allow herself to be used by him, not now, or ever. His friendship was something that she had to come value most, even if he did not return her feelings.
"Severus…" his name came out in a whisper, the salty and wet taste of his tears still on her lips as she struggled to find the words she wanted to say.
"I'm sorry, Annette. I didn't mean to…it was idiotic of me to…" He stumbled for to make his words coherent, but it did not work. Instead he let out a sigh that was soaked with guilt because he could not be there for his mother, and anger because his Aunt wanted his father to die, and in some part deep down he was angry at himself, because he thought that this illness would be his father's redemption for hurting Eileen and his only child.
Annette picked up the vial that the Calming Draught was in and uncorked it, she cupped the glass container as if would shatter into a million pieces if she did not carry it as if it were an egg, with a look of concern on her face and in her hazel eyes she handed it to Severus. The Potions Protégé took a long drink from it before he realized the bottle was empty.
He looked down at it, as the draught began to take effect, as it coursed through his bloodstream. The realization struck him hard as if a Troll had decided to sit on him. He had become dependent on the potion, it had been the one thing keeping him from falling apart completely, the one liquid that had helped him to feel as if he had an ounce of dignity left, without the potion reigning him in, he would have broken a long time ago, way before this or he would have sought something stronger to quell away his fear, like Fire Whiskey.
The potion was something he could control, something he had master over, when now in actuality, the potion had become his own addiction, like Tobias was with smoking cigarettes or drowning his frustrations away with alcohol. He did not want to become like his father, not in the least. He did not want his crafting of potions to turn him into what his father had become -from smoking and being drunk off his ass- a monster.
He tucked the empty bottle away in a side pocket of his bag and before he could help himself, he was sitting next to Annette on the creaking floor of the Owlery, with his head resting on her shoulder. Slightly warmed wind breathed in from the hole in the roof, causing the owls to ruffle their feathers in annoyance at the disturbance. The Hufflepuff and Slytherin's fingers were now intertwined, like they had been many times before, they curled into the sun beams that had streamed in, snuggled up, like cats, basking and absorbing it like flowers. He wished he had not shown such weakness in front of Annette, but for reasons he was finally understanding it made him feel better to know that the Hufflepuff girl was there. Confiding in her was much easier, then to try to get Lily to understand, what he was currently going through.
The news about his father's condition still made him feel like he had gotten the wind knocked out of him, he glanced down at the letters from his mother and his aunt, they had both fluttered down to the disgusting floor where they were now coated in different owl feathers, he had crumpled them in his fist out of anger, but he lifted himself away from Annette for a moment to gather and clean the letter that his mother had written to him.
He knew that she was just in as much pain as he was, but he found it difficult to gather his dizzying thoughts into a letter that would make his mother feel as if she was not so alone. He carefully re-read what he could from his mother's written words, and then gently folded it, so he could tuck it away in his Potions textbook, the fact that his mother was also struggling with what had been cast upon them, made him feel better, but also guilty because he found a pinch of happiness that him and his mother were sharing the same turmoil.
Severus had kissed Annette only because he wanted a distraction from this and using Annette to gain a sense of comfort in a form that was not in a family way or manner was only making him hurt her more, which he did not want to do, not anymore, not for another second. He was now disgusted with himself, it made him sick to stomach that he had been treating Annette in such a way, she deserved to be treated so much better then how he had been lately.
"I…Annette…I apologize…I keep hurting you…and it is all just to make myself feel better…" Severus said, feeling his own cheeks warm with embarrassment. "I shouldn't be treating you as I have been, your friendship is something I hold very…it is important to me."
"You said earlier that you cared about me…a lot…is that true or are you spouting nonsense?"
Severus scowled, anger took the place of his embarrassment. "Nonsense? No, I care about you…I know I have not shown it clearly…"
"Clearly?! Your so-called signs of affections have been nothing but mucky…confusing, disorienting…" Annette bit out in what could have been a slew of unintelligent absurdity in her panicked rush to get the sentences out, if Severus had not gotten to know her so well.
And now she was standing there with her fists clenched, in front of him, practically seething as her brain remembered that she needed to get oxygen in order to live, because she had apparently forgotten how to breathe when she went off on him like an angry Doxy. Was she tired, mentally worn out waiting for him to make choice? Even when he had kissed the Hufflepuff moments before, she was not angry with him or sad, she simply wiped away the tears that had decided to dry against his cheeks away, not with a handkerchief, but with her hands. He took his hands from where they were resting in his lap and used them to wrap around the sleeves of Annette's uniform and pull her toward him, until she fell into his lap, he tried not to grunt or wince when she practically collapsed on top of him, he did not mean to yank her down with so much force.
"I don't mean to keep hurting you, Annette…"
She let out a sigh that was drenched in frustration and perhaps of drop of leftover anger, "I know. It's okay…I get it…I'll be okay…"
He reached out to touch his fingers to her cheek, but the Hufflepuff recoiled as if he was coated in poison, and continued to put her anger and hurt feelings into words. "I don't want to discuss this anymore with you…what this is…what we are now…to each other…this isn't the right time or the place, not until we are both in a better state of mind."
The Slytherin boy quickly changed the subject to something he knew they could both agree on and handle at that moment, "Do you want help studying for Potions?"
The Hufflepuff does not mind the change of subject, in fact she loves the sense of normalcy. "Yes, if you wouldn't mind?"
"Not in the least." Severus replied as she righted herself from where she had been sitting in his lap in a very odd position, kind of like she was being carried bridal style when out of nowhere a foreign pain had caused the Slytherin boy to drop to his knees, that was what it looked like moments before, the Hufflepuff girl made her way back to where her school supplies lay abandoned and dug her flashcards out of her tote bag.
"Grill me until my brain dribbles out of my ear, Potions Master!" Annette exclaimed with fake enthusiasm, if she was lucky all of the studying would make the facts and ingredients stick in her mind like glue until her Potions O.W.L. was over.
"I am not Potions Master yet, Annette." Severus said as he shuffled her deck of flashcards.
"Fine." Annette sighed, "If you could choice right now what would rather be Master of Potions or Defense Against the Dark Arts?"
"Dark Arts, but having control over both subjects is what I actually want."
"You already have them concurred, Severus." Annette said with a soft smile spreading across her face.
Annette made her way carefully down the steps that lead to the Owlery and back to solid ground, she could still taste Severus' tears on her lips as she watched him go on ahead of her to catch-up with Lucius Malfoy and the rest of the gang from his House, that he hung out with when he was not with the timid Hufflepuff. Her heart had skipped a thump when he had surprised her with such a desperate act, it had been so unlike him that it had caught her completely off-guard, that need that had drawn Severus to practically draw the life from her was a sense of heightened bliss and shame that Annette knew she would never forget, no matter how deeply she wanted to dig and dispose of the memory and the feelings that would resurface.
She had debated on whether or not to go hole herself up in the library in her favorite section or to go take her anger and the achy pain of her heartbreak out on the punching bag hanging from the ceiling of the unused classroom. Instead of choosing either of her alternatives, Annette cannot help but notice Jenna sitting on the stone steps leading into the Great Hall from the courtyard, she is sitting beside Pandora. The Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff Prefects both had their hair pulled back from their faces in mermaid tail braids, they were both looking at their agendas and timetables, Annette plopped down in between them, resting her satchel on her feet.
"You look miserable, Nettie." Pandora commented as she briefly glanced up from her agenda and timetable.
"Severus kissed me…" Annette said, she looked up to see that Jenna and Pandora were staring at us with gaped mouths before the curly Irish redhead finally was able to speak again.
"What kind of kiss was it? A family kiss or more like an Oh-La-La lover kiss?"
"It was more along the lines of he is going through a ton of miserable family shite, so he needed a way to gain comfort in some way or another." Annette said, while Pandora had decided that she was going to braid Annette's hair into a mermaid tail as well.
Jenna hugged her best friend, resting her chin on her fellow Hufflepuff's shoulder. "I'm sorry,1 A stór."
"I have decided that until O.W.L.s are over, Severus and I are going to just be friends." She said it aloud more to make the words truer than how she actually felt at the moment.
While they were making up a study group schedule for Charms and Transfiguration, Annette found her mind wandering back to that kiss with Severus up in the Owlery and how she wished that she was back in his arms, snuggled into his neck and whispering while giving him kisses, "I love you…"
1 Irish Gaelic that literally means "my treasure." Can be used in an affectionate friendship or as a term of endearment to a child.