Hi all. Sorry about the delay-my life has been really busy lately. You guys are wonderful, though. Thank you for all the reviews, alerts, and adds. I'll never be able to express how much I appreciate everything.
The following chapter is dedicated to J.L. 05/15/86- 11/19/06.
"For the life of me, I cannot remember what made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise.
For the life of me, I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins. We were merely freshmen."
-The Verve Pipe "The Freshmen"
"So then Garcia hides this box of chocolates in Morgan's desk, complete with a love note and everything! And Morgan bragged for days that he thinks it's from Joanna." JJ exclaimed, watching how lines in Reid's face etched a brilliant smile.
"You mean the girl from the anti-terrorism unit he's always hitting on?" Reid interrupted, sides aching. JJ nodded yes. "She doesn't even like him!" Reid howled, laughing too hard to speak eloquently.
"And Morgan thought it was her. He really did, Spence. I mean, Garcia sent flowers and suggestive notes sprayed with perfume!"
"I'm sure that note wasn't too difficult for her to create," Reid mused.
"Finally, Garcia decides to write a note saying she wants to meet him at this bar. She tells Morgan to wear a pair of jeans that flatter his ass." Reid snorted.
"We all went early, you know, to get good seats." Reid chocked on his own laughter in a way that made JJ never want to stop talking.
"So we watched Morgan come in and swagger over to this corner table." JJ stopped to contain her giggles before continuing. "You should have seen his face when Garcia walked up to him with a rose. I believe her words were something like: 'You take my candy and favorite pen again and I'll make your life a living hell.'"
"I would have paid to see the look on his face when he realized it was Garcia the whole time." Reid admitted, feeling a twinge of sadness he was not there to help with the elaborate prank.
"Trust me, we have pictures." JJ grinned, reaching into her purse for the Polaroids. She gave Reid one of Garcia handing Morgan a single rose with a large note that said "Gotcha!" The media liaison watched as the young agent's smile turned into a semblance of sadness.
"Spence?" JJ reached for his arm, brushing it with light fingertips. Sighing, Reid handed the picture back to her, hating the way even a photograph could fill him with homesickness for his colleagues and former life, as well as the bitter desire and craving for Dilaudid.
"How is everyone, JJ? Are you guys ok?" JJ knew it was typical of Reid to ask about others when they should be asking about his welfare, but JJ saw the desperation in his eyes. It was only second to the look Hotch had when he called his family after dealing with difficult situations and unsubs. He needed to know.
"Everyone's okay. We've had some rough cases, but nothing we can't handle." Spencer nodded, glancing at the floor. The common room was less crowded then before, as visiting hours were drawing to a close. Reid had paraded JJ around the building, showing her his room, introducing her to the other nurses, and even to Dr. B, who was sometimes there as an extra supervisor on Sundays. JJ had listened to Reid's brief explanations of his running routes, his roommate's mutual love of reading, and she had laughed with Mike and Tony as they described and lovingly imitated Reid's uncanny knack for farming.
"You know, Spence," JJ began in a soft voice. "You've asked me about how I'm doing and how the team's doing, but you haven't told me how you are." JJ watched Reid turn away from her, fixating his gaze out the large windows where a multicolored sunset was fading into the dullness of oncoming night. The whole time JJ had been visiting Reid had to stop himself from asking about the team. Still, the burning desire to know, to understand that everyone was ok, filled him with a yearning and a simultaneous urge for drugs-anything that would allow him to escape the fact that Melinda had joined Tobias in his nightmares.
"I'm alright." He shrugged with heaviness in his words.
"Please don't lie to me." Her voice wasn't accusing, although Reid figured she had every right to be. She was correct-things weren't okay. He wasn't alright. Ever since Melinda's death, Reid had been overcome with onslaught of memories that floated to the surface every time he wasn't busy. His sleeping had become more sporadic than ever, and the nightly nurses were beginning to refuse his requests to play cards, allowing him one game before sending him back to bed.
"Spence." JJ reached for him and although Reid didn't want to feel her touch, he allowed his hands to stay underneath hers. "Talk to me." He sighed and pulled away from her, pinching the bridge of his nose to keep the tears inside.
"There was a patient here, and I guess you can say we became friends." JJ nodded, wringing her hands and watching Reid fastidiously avoid her steadfast gaze.
"She killed herself last week...She hanged herself, JJ, and I helped get her down, but it was too late." Reid did not elaborate or make any response that he saw JJ's blue orbs enlarge to immense proportions.
"And the thing is," Reid met JJ's eyes this time, "All these memories are coming back to me now. It's like her death is making me remember all these things I forgot or pushed away, and I don't know what to do with them." Spencer's voice broke, wavering with emotion, and he bit his bottom lip in a desperate attempt to stay focused.
"What are you remembering?" JJ kept her voice soft and low, and Reid couldn't help the few tears the streaked down his cheeks.
"The things I did when I..." Reid fidgeting, swiping at his cheeks and smudging saltiness across them. "When I was high." There. He had said it and the world was still standing. JJ sighed, debating what to say and how to say it.
"I know we're taught to push our emotions away, Spence." She began with a tone that eased Reid's discomfort substantially. How she was able to do so with just a simple infliction was beyond him, but JJ was one of the few who could do so. "But you can't do that with everything. You can't pretend that Georgia and Tobias didn't happen." JJ desperately wanted to let her emotions take control, but she knew she couldn't-not right now. Reid looked so lost, young, and sad. For all her time knowing him, JJ couldn't recall a time when he appeared this distraught, even after Hankel.
"What if I don't like what I remember?" His voice cracked when Reid faced JJ, who was surprised by the tears. She hadn't noticed he was crying just moments earlier and the silence stirred something in her. Whether it was motherly or concerned, she couldn't decipher the difference.
"We all have these parts of us that we've stowed away and we all carry experiences and our reactions to them with us, even if we'd rather not remember, but if recalling those is the difference between you getting better or you..." JJ swallowed deeply before continuing. "Or you relapsing, then you need to remember, Spence." Air escaped Reid's parted lips in spurts, and he took a breath that was soon interrupted by hiccuped sobs. Reid couldn't not discern what he hated more: The tears stinging his cheeks, the way his body shock, or his inability to control it all.
"I need you to do something for me, JJ." He instructed while taking the tissue she handed him. Without realizing it, JJ had started tracing small circles on Spencer's back. It felt oddly comforting and the rhythm soothed him, allowing Reid to regain some control over his wildly oscillating emotions.
"Anything." JJ kept her voice firm, although she wanted to cry with Spencer. She had no idea what he was thinking, which wasn't unusual, but, God, she felt the waves of pain radiating off his body. Something began to unravel inside her. When the stinging pierced her stomach, she understood it to be guilt.
"I need you to tell me if I did anything to you after Georgia. I need help remembering..." Reid balled the tissue tightly in his fist, watching as his knuckles turned snow white. JJ's hand ceased rubbing patterns on his spine, stopping in a "c" motion.
"Spence, I don't-"
"Please, JJ." Water was spilling down his face again and, when Reid met JJ's eyes, he was not surprised to see tears in her own. Sighing, she glanced downwards, and looked upwards a minute later with remarkable composure.
"You were pretty irritable-"
"I know that, especially to Emily." Reid winced. regretting his past actions.
"You asked me to-"
"You know that's not what I meant." JJ held her breath before releasing it slowly. She had tried to play dumb, which never worked with Reid. She had been afraid he'd ask about his drug-induced behavior. In fact, she had recalled that night months prior as she drove earlier that morning past farms and tall trees. Maybe, JJ had debated, she had imagined it all. If Reid didn't remember, maybe it hadn't happened, but, now, with his pressing need to recall, JJ understood she'd have to break the silence by revealing the past. She hoped that he'd forgive her for not helping him then.
She hoped she'd forgive herself.
"You really don't remember, do you?" Reid nodded no, hating the way her face broke into recognition at his request. What did you do? He shouted at himself.
"You can't..." JJ stopped when the tears slide down her cheeks. To her surprise, Spence reached for her hand, squeezing it in his.
"I'd never blame you for Hankel or anything I did afterward." He spoke with sincerity, and JJ didn't understand how he knew the words before she said them. Stupid profilers, she thought, slightly bitter and somewhat relieved. Meeting the hazel mixture, JJ waited for his attention, and then let the past speak for her as the last bits of light slid behind the mountain peaks.
About 3.5 Months Prior
"I'll be there in a minute!" Whoever was at the front door was impatiently banging heavy fits against the wood. Hurrying through her home while tying a terry cloth light pink bathrobe around her waist, JJ felt a slight twinge of fear. Her gun in her bathrobe pocket reassured her. Three A.M. granted few visitors, and something told JJ that whoever or whatever was on the other side of the door was desperate in one way or another. If Hotch knew she had her gun out, he'd call her paranoid, but JJ was pretty sure both Emily and Garcia would call it safe.
"Alright, chill out!" Her tone was harsh when she unhinged the locks, yanking the door open with her right hand, her left deep within the bathrobe pocket curled around the cool metal. When the cold, dewy night air seeped inwards and the familiar hazel eyes greeted her, JJ almost shot the man on her doorstop in surprise.
"Reid?" He swayed slightly, inching closer to her. The strong aroma of whiskey and cigarettes wafted towards her, causing JJ to almost reel back not in disgust, but shock.
"What are you doing here? Are you okay?" She grabbed Reid as he stumbled forwards once again, noticing how his clothes were wet. Underneath his long-sleeved collared shirt and khakis, Reid's body was shaking. It had to be around 45 degrees and his threadbare clothing provided little warmth from the light rain that had fallen moments prior.
"I..." He glanced around the interior of JJ's living room without registering what he was actually seeing. "I just missed you." Reid shrugged bony shoulders upwards. Sighing, JJ ran her hands through her hair. When Reid rocked unsteadily on his feet again, JJ knew he was way too plastered to know what he was actually doing.
"You're supposed to be on medical leave, Reid." She told him, shifting blankets aside and helping him onto the plush couch that swallowed him in a soft fortress of comfort. In any other situation, JJ would have laughed at how absurd he looked among the overstuffed cushions, but Reid's head was nodding downwards. He was barely conscious. Personally, JJ wouldn't call the time after the Hankel case "medical leave." More accurately, she figured, it was "make-sure-Reid's-mentally-okay-even-though-everyone-knows-he'll-purposefully-say-he-is-when-he's-not-so-he-can-come-back-to-work -early" leave.
"I got bored." Reid shut his eyes, allowing the room to continue its swirling upheavals and daring downfalls behind closed lids. JJ stood for a moment, trying to reason with the anger and concern mingling into one inside of her. What the hell was happening? How much did Spence drink? And what else was surging through his veins? His behavior was way too erratic for just alcohol. Ignoring her burning curiosity and subsequent feelings of self blame, JJ took pity on her shivering colleague, trying to pull off his sneakers so she could get him under a warm fleece blanket. Reid tried to see what she was doing, almost falling forward and hitting his head on the coffee table.
"I'm sorry, JJ." He mumbled when she placed him back onto the sofa. "I didn't mean to do it."
"Do what?" JJ questioned, concentrating on the thin laces. Leave it to Reid to double-knot his shoelaces.
"I tried not to..." He almost fell asleep then, but something told him to keep talking. "I meant to tell her no, but she had it, and it made it better, like he said it would..."
"Spence." Her voice was agitated, but not angry. It felt like he was a young child that she loved, but was scolding for his wrongdoings all the same. Nimble fingers untied his laces, and Reid didn't have the voice to tell her to stop.
"Why don't you tell me what's wrong?" She kept her voice motherly, and Reid wanted to scream about the emptiness controlling his life.
"I'm fine, JJ." He was angry, eyes shooting open with too much force. "Tobias didn't make me lose my mind, you know." Surprised, JJ crossed her arms over her chest and stopped pulling at Reid's converse sneakers.
"I never said he did." She met his swimming stare with a resolute one, and Reid felt himself break into pieces. She had his shoes off and was now yanking his messenger bag over his head, placing it on the floor. He prayed she wouldn't look inside. The release of weight felt odd and misplaced, and Reid closed his eyes once more.
"Spence," the cushion next to him sunk with JJ's weight. "Please let me in." This was not what he expected. Actually, Reid did not have a plan when the bar closed and he stumbled on the familiar roads to JJ's home. All he knew was he wanted some kind of comfort, some resemblance of understanding, and JJ had been on Hankel's farm with him before things went catastrophically and irreversibly wrong. Somehow, that had seemed like enough, but, now, with emotions rising in large waves, Spencer Reid couldn't do anything but suck in air, attempting to control the memories that overcame his senses.
JJ spoke again, but all Reid heard was Tobias's voice: "There's only one shot in that gun, boy." JJ saw Reid's face pale, his eyes darted open, and she hesitated. What was going on?
"I think I'm going to be sick." He told her and, with lightning speed, she grabbed a garbage receptacle, rubbing his back when he released one too many drinks into the plastic bin. How long or much he let go, Reid wasn't sure, but he ended up crunched into a ball on her too short couch, head in JJ's lap as she twisted her fingers lightly around his curly hair. His face was wet, his nose running, but he knew he was safe here. He knew that the eventual Dilaudid withdrawals would be hidden by his drunken disguise. He also knew JJ didn't understand and he couldn't find a way to tell her that he was sinking so fast that there was nothing to grab onto but handfuls of air.
"I'm sorry," he mumbled again, albeit more lucid this time. JJ bit her bottom lip, toying with the ends of his fine, soft hair. He was acting like a child now, and JJ couldn't help her instincts that screamed nothing was alright. Something was deeply wrong with Spencer.
"Don't apologize, you did nothing wrong." She told him, keeping her voice even. On her lap, Reid's head moved lightly from side to side in disagreement.
"I sent her away. I'm a sinner, JJ." His voice broke, and JJ felt the outlines of hot tears fall onto her bathrobe. "She needed me and I couldn't do anything. I failed her..." Whoever Reid was discussing, was someone close to him, and JJ didn't know what to do other than to wait. She kept rubbing his back, attempting to calm the mess that was Spencer Reid.
"Will you forgive me?" He asked, his voice barely above a whisper. JJ didn't answer, but she found when she did speak, it didn't matter-Spencer was asleep.
"You can stay here tonight, okay?" She told him softly, slipping out from underneath Spencer's heavy head and replacing the support her lap had previously supplied with a pillow. JJ gently placed a blanket over the young agent, watching as it rose and fell with his breathing. Without understanding why, she bent down, pushing the hair away from his damp forehead, and placed a soft, protective kiss on his hot skin.
"I'm so sorry." She told the sleeping form before disappearing into the darkness once more.
Present Day:
"I remember..." Reid groaned, placing his head in his hands. His hot, shamed cheeks blazed against his cool fingertips. JJ exhaled but didn't speak, allowing Spencer to regain his composure. When he lifted his head upwards, she continued.
"When I woke up the next morning, you were gone. I...I didn't know what to do, but I thought you were drunk and upset..." JJ admitted, hating how she knew something was wrong and that she hadn't done anything to help the situation.
"It was still morning when I left." Reid confessed, recalling how cool the air had felt against the dry sweat lining his hairline. On his way home, he had stopped at a coffee shop, acquiring a cup of potent black liquid. It hadn't eased his rocketing stomach, however, and the morning's first light found him bent between rows of bushes in the park, releasing a night's worth of drinking and drugs. When he returned to his apartment, the college-aged neighbor had supplied him with a few Valiums, which Reid had eagerly sucked down before falling, exhausted, into his own bed. The night before was a haze: the loud dance club, the too many whiskey sours, and the quick bathroom injection of Dilaudid that some girl with revealing clothing had let him share with her in exchange for a dancing partner. Reid remembered how he wanted to escape to be alone with the high, but they had held each other upwards on the dance floor, swaying to syncopated beats. When he finally escaped, it had been JJ's home-not his-that he had found himself standing outside of, wondering in the dark if she could see his pain without him actually saying it.
"I'm so sorry, JJ." Reid's eyes said his apology before he did, but JJ knew it was sincere all the same. She nodded, squeezing his hand that had somehow found hers again.
"You were really hurting, Spence, and I didn't do anything to help."
"It's not your fault. None of it." JJ knew he meant Tobias and the whole fiasco, but she found it hurt to accept that as truth. Not with Reid in rehab and crying silently next to her. It didn't seem right or fair, like the universe was playing some sick joke on someone who had experienced too much pain already.
"I'm not blaming you, JJ." Reid told her, his voice suddenly composed, his eyes deadpan and very similar to Hotch's. "Tobias gave me the drugs, but I continued." It was the first time he had said this openly, although not the first time he had thought it, and Reid felt something shift in him. The world felt a bit lighter than it had moments before.
"I've missed you." JJ let out a shaky smile, shoving bits of hair behind her ears. Reid smiled back.
"I missed you too, Spence." In their moment of silent understanding, JJ saw Reid's struggle against a backdrop of a million other situations that could have been much worse, but hadn't been. If they had, somehow, made it through the very worst humanity and life had to offer, then, quite possibly, drug addiction wouldn't derail either one of them. Reid's problem, although a lifelong battle, was exactly that-a problem. It wasn't the end of his world and, with Spence's familiar, comforting presence fidgeting in the seat next to her, JJ realized it wouldn't destroy her too. Guilt was a powerful emotion, but JJ always valued her ability to be stronger than expected. If Reid could tackle an addiction and its accompanying rehab stint, then she could confront her feelings of inadequacy. After all, JJ realized, how would she learn and evolve without the struggle?
The intercom squawked to life, causing the two agents to jump at its static declaration of the end of visiting hours. JJ locked eyes with Spencer, and they wordlessly began the walk to JJ's car.
It was cold outside and, momentarily, JJ closed her eyes, reflecting how way the pavement felt reassuring under her shoes. The wind blew her hair backwards, brushing it away from her shoulders as gently as if she had done the motion herself. Reid's footsteps fell in step with her own, and JJ released the air in her lungs. It felt good to be alive.
"I'm really glad you came...I..." Reid trailed off when they arrived at JJ's car, shoving his hands deep in his jean pockets. JJ watched the wind tangle some of his long hair. She understood his unspoken words just as much as she acknowledged that Reid's addiction ran much deeper than the instance in Georgia.
"I'm proud of you, Spence." Her voice was strong, and Reid looked upwards, meeting her eyes with his own.
"I'm proud of you too, JJ."
They stood for a moment on opposite sides of an invisible barrier. Reid knew JJ could leave and had the choice on which roads she had to drive. She could take the interstate or the winding, darkened mountain roads that would soon be lit by an infinite number of stars. He, however, had no choice but to turn around and to attend nightly group. Tomorrow morning, JJ would wake in the comfort of her own bed, driving to work on familiar roads, and would sit in her office in the BAU, choosing the next atrocity. Spencer would be woken in a room he shared, would farm, and would bounce from group to group. He understood that the rest of his life would not be this routine, but he longed for his old life. He wanted to team, their presence, and he wanted to be useful again.
"You work hard, alright?" JJ instructed, leaning in and kissing the side of Reid's cheek. This display of affection caught him by surprise, and his fingers traveled upwards, lingering in the spot for a moment.
"Tell everyone-"
"I will." JJ interrupted and this time it was Spencer who reached forward, encasing JJ in a warm, quick hug. With a lingering glance, she lowered herself into her car, watching her colleague for a moment more before turning back to the road that led to the rest of the world.