Remus sat in his office, head in his hands as he tried to keep his breathing even and controlled. In, out. This wasn't so bad. It wasn't like he hadn't endured every minute of the whispering when the scandalous news of Sirius's position as a spy for Voldemort had first tore through the wizarding community. In, out. He could get through this- this didn't mean that Sirius was coming back, that Remus would eventually have to face the man who had murdered his best friends. In, out. If he had thought the chatter in the hallways of Hogwarts had been bad when Sirius had first escaped- this was so much worse. In, out. Hiding in his own office wouldn't help anyone.

In, out. In, out. In, out.

Of course this had to happen now, today, of all times. Of course he would have to both test his strength of mind and strength of body tonight. His mind would have to fight the thoughts of Sirius while his body pushed back against the impending wolfishness. Remus had drunken the Wolfsbane potion religiously, suffering through every drop for the possibility of tonight. He finally had the chance to have some form of control over this, and he wasn't going to let it slip through his fingers. He pushed the thoughts of Sirius from his mind, planning to let it fester before digging it up again. At least for tonight.

Pulling his head from his hands, Remus rested it on his desk as he looked out the window, watching the sun race towards the horizon. He willed it to slow down, to freeze exactly where it was and not sink away and plunge him into darkness. The sun ignored his pleading, dropping lower and lower before disappearing beneath the Forbidden Forest. The sky above it was brilliantly colored, ablaze with oranges and yellows. It taunted him.

Remus stood, legs aching as he stretched them for the first time in three hours. They wobbled as the blood rushed into them, throbbing with the strain of pre-transformation. He stepped around the stacked desks and chairs, pulling off his robes. He folded them neatly before placing them on his pillow before leaving his bedroom, making sure to lock the wooden door behind him. He walked, naked, down the stairs of his classroom, his feet slapping loudly on the stones. He padded over to the classroom door, jiggling the handle to assure that it was tightly locked, too.

The classroom was oddly bare; Remus could see the tiny outlines on the floor of where the desks had stood until that afternoon- after his last class at left, gossiping and pushing, Remus had closed the door firmly behind them before beginning to bring individual desks and chairs up to his bedroom. He didn't want to have to worry about possibly destroying them that night; though he knew he could always repair them the next morning if something did happen, he didn't know what state he would be in the following day, so he figured that it would be wisest to avoid the situation all together. There was nothing left in the room except what was fixed to the walls- the chalkboard, the windows. If this worked, he would move to his office next time instead of his classroom- but he wanted to give himself as much space as possible the first time, in case it didn't.

Remus knelt in the center of the room, focusing on the way the last drops of evening light played on his skin. He felt a pang of pain in his knees, the soft caps grinding into the dusty ground. Remus eased off his legs, pulling them out from under him as he sprawled out. He shivered; his exposed skin was now surrounded by the coldness, but he let himself sink into the floor.

He hadn't been this nervous for a transformation since he had left Hogwarts; but even then, Remus knew that this would be most dangerous of any of his transformations yet. This time he had hope- before, he had worked to accept his condition, but now he could feel his hope growing and growing. But what if it didn't work? If he still turned into a wolf and destroyed his classroom?

Light faded from the room, casting strange shapes onto the ceiling. Starlight streamed into through the windows, casting long, haunting shadows across the floor and across Remus's bare body. They became more and more defined as it got darker and darker; beneath him, Remus could feel the vibrations of students climbing the staircases, thumping as they clomped to their dormitories. Any moment now...Remus hoped all the students would be inside when the transformation started- what if one walked past his classroom? He knew his animal nose could smell for miles, so he couldn't even think about what he could detect from twenty feet away.

Remus's body suddenly stiffened, his ears popping painfully as they echoed with an overwhelming rush of noise. His nose stretched, becoming textured and moist. He could feel prickly hair sprouting all over his body, growing at alarming speeds as it changed color to a grayish brown mix. His teeth tore through his lips, elongated and razor sharp as the talons that adorned his four paws. His eyes focused on the invisible smudges on the windows, on the particles floating in the air. Remus closed them quickly, squeezing them shut as he waited for the calming mist of nothingness overtook his mind.

Remus opened them cautiously, his mind fuzzy. Something was wrong; he wasn't shifting, his mind was caught in a hazy, sluggish state. He yelped as he realized what was going on; this was what he wanted! He was thinking like himself, though his body was obviously wolfish. His heart still raced at the wafting smell the of humans below him, and his stomach growled as he thought about the possibilities of biting through the thick skin of a wild boar from the forest, but he didn't want it. What he really wanted to do was sleep, more than hunt or attack. All he could think of right now was sleep. He padded over to lay in underneath the window, close enough to the ledge that a cool breeze lulled him further and further into unconsciousness. Remus curled himself into a ball, resting his head on his overgrown paws as he drifted to sleep.

Remus opened his eyes, head pounding and his mouth extremely dry. It took a moment for his eyes to adjust in the blinding sunlight that streamed in through the window- he was laying sideways on the floor, naked, his nose pressed into the ground. With a groan, Remus pulled himself into a sitting position, limbs aching as blood rushed back into them. He rubbed his face, yawning before groggily taking in his surroundings.

Nothing looked out of place; even the erasers on the chalkboard hadn't been touched. The doors still stood, locked, without a new scratch on them.

Remus looked himself over; besides the throbbing of his head and the waves of vertigo, and the fact that he was covered in a thin layer of dust from the previous night, he was unharmed. He felt his body, looking for soreness or some sign of distress. Usually, his wounds were extremely obvious, involving blood or visible gashes, but this time Remus couldn't see or feel any of that. His heart pounded abnormally as his mind raced to the glaring truth: it had worked. The Wolfsbane potion had controlled his wolfish transformation and simply turned him to a clumsy, sleepy dog. Remus breathed shallowly, inhaling quick bursts of air as he tried to process this. Had he really just lumbered to the window and slept? Remus felt prickling behind his eyes as he realized that for once, that was exactly what had happened.

Remus scrunched up his face, hot tears streaking paths down his dusty cheeks. He brought his knees to his chest, hugging them to him as he buried his face into his legs and sobbed. He cried for himself, for the fact that he would never have to suffer again. Sure, he would still have the transformations, but transformations would be without pain or worry or guilt. He could finally get his life back, and actually breathe for once in almost thirty years. Wiping his eyes, Remus rested his head against the window sill as he listened to the blackbirds sing outside.

What would the Marauders think of him now? What would they think if they knew that Remus had finally conquered his biggest demon? For the thousandth time, he wished that they could all be here with him, sitting on the floor, laughing. He missed them terribly- this is what they had wanted to give him, and what they had tried to give him by becoming Animaguses. Would they be happy for him? The thought made water pool in Remus's eyes once more. This time, it was out of happiness. Remus's didn't have to ponder the answer for long- he already knew it.

I wanted to add something else to this, but I wanted to post what I have in honor of Alan Rickman. The world has lost a great man tonight!

xx bandeall