She had…not exactly nightmares…Reverie made that nearly impossible, gratefully, so her horror and terror were muted. She was detached and confused, disoriented, unknown motivations and scenes and changes. Names she had to remember that she had not learned, thinking it was too late to learn them, little girl and little boy names as though they were her children, but she knew that was wrong. She was not a mother, but she was in a modular building, looking for a face she knew under the small bodies with no faces, feeling the urge to shift bodies aside until she could identify one, but not wanting to touch them.
She was pulled up and out by Garrus's deep voice against her temple, calling her back to him, his arms tightening around her and pulling her closer until she came gently awake, centered by his calm voice, the gentle embrace. As much self as she could be. She was mission ravaged but Reverie sustained.
The grip of command had lost its chokehold and she could be with him. She was grateful to be pulled from sleep, to savor his voice, his body, his protection.
She yawned and said "How long did I sleep?"
He nuzzled her throat, settled back and set his crest to her forehead "Six hours. No emergencies. You can go back to sleep."
She stretched her lower back, leading to her hips rocking against his, and she said "Not sure I want to. I like this." She closed her eyes and shifted against him, drawing a groan from him, softly swirling sensation and sparks behind her eyes, like slowly turning a snow globe, glints and eddies of movement. Her body was languorous and still exhausted, but it was a sated feeling, and she hoped it was the same for him.
She arched and flexed, moved back in against him to press closer as one of his hands sifted through her hair, down her back, over her ass and upper thigh, to begin over, slow pleasure of touching her, with her hand stroking between plate edges. She asked curiously "Do you have nightmares? I have never seen you have one, you sleep less than I do and when you're here I sleep deeply."
He said quietly, more engaged with her than the subject "Yes. Guilt seems to be a running theme. Guilt about odd things, that dream quality. After you died I'd dream about being on the Normandy and trying to save you, and I would feel ashamed and guilty after I woke. Ashamed that I inserted myself on that ship where I wasn't, gave myself responsibility I did not have. The sense of helplessness often plays out where people can't hear or see me. If I dreamed of the Normandy I'd try to put my hand on you and it would pass through, you would not even know I was there. Sometimes I'd dream of the moment after Saren when I thought you had died, you would stay dead and me believing it was what had caused it. I don't have nightmares while joined, Reverie makes them impossible. I'm grateful."
She listened to the curve of the words, the underlying shape and she said "Are you telling me you often aren't the lead in your own dreams?"
He laughed and said "Yes. I suppose that's true. What, in your dreams you're Commander Shepard or something?"
She pressed her lips together and said "Well…yeah. You need better quality dreams."
He sighed and said "Don't we all. I don't mind. You are a leading lady. Thane is a leading man. I am…glorified sidekick material." He did not sound upset and it was nearly impossible for her to get upset right now. She considered Turian culture and the pride he took in her lead, how he had grown to take Thane's lead, and considered it a Garrus gift she would not understand fully without a Turian brain, but could appreciate. She could add her human spin and add some Drell spin.
She said softly "We…do not see it that way."
His hands continued their lazy path over her body, his voice still detached, Reverie washed "Mmm…how do the royal We see me?"
She laughed and he laughed along with her, she leaned in to kiss at his laughing throat and he indulged her, tilting his head back. She kept her lips happy while she thought, and then she said against his warm hide "We…see you as water." She continued to kiss and speak soft and short words interspersed between lips pressed to him "We know you are necessary to life. Without you we would die. Though we may be carbon, or mercury, prized for our hardness or fluid grace, we do not sustain life. We take it."
He mock scoffed and arched his throat under her mouth, saying "I take life. And carbon my ass, you mean diamond."
She nipped at him for interrupting, which she bet he barely felt, certainly not as a deterrent, and said "How dare you criticize my choice of comparison. I would have thought that you, as a consummate nerd, would appreciate that I chose elements and not forms those elements took."
He groaned and said "My apologies, I am developing a burgeoning physics fetish. Please, continue."
She said "You already had a physics fetish. Water…is unique…" She thought of when he'd gone to Omega "It is the only element that expands when it freezes." She thought of how he cared for her and for Thane "Water is a solvent, washing away and unaffected by impurities, always able to return to its own form. Necessary for all sentient life. There are no diamond people, no quicksilver people. We need you. And if you're not leading…why did I ask you first to be my lover?"
He had no answer for that other than a pleased groan, so she considered that a point. She continued "If you're not leading, why do I bring you everywhere?"
His voice was pleasantly strained but he said "That's a point for sidekick if I ever heard one."
She considered and said "Mmm…damn you Vakarian."
He said ardently "Yes, please, damn me."
She continued "If you're not leading, why did my eyes turn to you, the widest, deepest love I felt at what I thought was the end of my life? Well, the second end of my life…"
He was speechless. Damned and speechless.
She followed up with "We must struggle to be kind or thoughtful, and you are our example of how it could best be done. You're so fucking humble and competent it makes the royal We viciously jealous, but you're so genuinely humble we can't call you on it." He laughed and she continued with "Thane calls you Speaker for the Spirits and I agree. I may be Siha, but you have earned the right to your ancestral pantheon who would speak through you and find no better voice."
He laughed and rolled her over onto her back, his weight held by his knees and elbows, gazing down at her with Reverie warmed eyes, and he said "You want to hear the weirdest Turian thing that keeps happening to me?"
She shifted her hips and moved until he groaned, twisted inside her, lowered his body and tilted back his head, more snow globe swirling, with her fingertips tracing along his tapering fringe, she answered "Yes, please. Talk to me."
He laughed, and it reminded her of times they'd been drunk out at a bar and he was about to tell a story about when he'd tripped on an obstacle course during a final exam, or brought the wrong ammo…
He tilted his head back down to look in her eyes and said "I get scanned every week…and I swear to you, I am disappointed when I am not indoctrinated, because I want to know what you went through. I want to feel it."
She had a moment of knowing she had not been as isolated as she had felt on the last week's mission, that Garrus would sacrifice his body and mind to be on her side. Her indoctrination did not repel him from her, but pulled him closer in to empathize with that aspect of her life that he wished to understand. She knew it, but this was that new way, that new angle of knowing he gave her. The combination of his body and his voice and the way he told the story, knowing the way he wanted her to hear it, she started to laugh. She laughed until she snorted. She said softly "That makes perfect…Garrus sense."
He sobered only slightly and said "Today, when that Prothean lunged for you…Spirits as my witness, Kerim, I wanted to be indoctrinated too. I could not bear to have you stand alone with that. I want to stand with you…in all things."
She smiled and knew they were hard but not heartless, finding their drunken way together with their failings and foibles as she said "Humans are made up of at least 60% water. I never stand alone."
He nuzzled at her throat, pressed his body to and in hers and said "Can I still be your sidekick?"
She panted, his voice, his body, and all the moments out of Reverie that poured their passion into the moments when they were able to be together like this. She answered "Yes. Always." She put all the appreciation she felt for his always being there, always following, his mutinies of support and his ability to carry her through, felt that spread through her, flavor her voice "I can't lead if you don't follow. Plus you always have to lead when we dance…and times like now when I can't think."
He sounded ardent, desperate as he said "I love when you can't think."
He ensured she couldn't think by kissing her for the joy of it, easing her legs around his waist until she pulled him deeper inside, her body suspended and supported by his from this connection, his body arched over her, all-encompassing and overwhelming. Already Reverie rich, they built a warm whirlpool of pleasure together, knowing how these moments worked, how they both worked, his body inside hers, his hand between them, soft twists of his hips pressing the warm suede of his thumb against her. He rocked against her in soft lapping waves, his mouth roaming over her shoulders and face, settling on her mouth to drink in cries and the feel of his name move from his lips to his plates and tongue.
He slowly robbed her of thoughts, words fading against the surge of pleasure and her ambition to match his focus, her sense of time and sense of self falling away until he was the moon and she was the tide and nothing else, a rise and fall according to her nature.
He reluctantly allowed exhaustion to pull her away from him temporarily, but his body held hers and his voice echoed long after, her dreams sated and moving like waves under the moon, the depths silent.
oOoOoOoOoOo
She talked to Liara and reviewed surveillance of her discussions with the Prothean, Javik, and Jane felt compounded horror at the cost of obtaining him.
She was developing a distinct distaste for Prothean culture.
All those ships and all that loss of life, for what?
For arrogance.
That's all she could see in this Prothean. He was contemptuous of Liara, obviously. He enjoyed needling her about how amusing it was that 'primitives' had developed the ability to write.
Liara eventually began to throw it back at him, which was a slow but welcome process. The most devastating blow was that Javik knew absolutely nothing about the Crucible or the Catalyst and considered himself to be the avatar of war for his people.
She had enough war already, thank you.
Liara had progressed from gushing to helpful questioning to wary caution to near open antagonism very quickly, and Jane watched decades of built-up Prothean worship get scoured off by contact with his abrasive regard.
When asked what she thought about him by Jane, Liara had shrugged, gone through the main points, which was that he knew exactly nothing about what they had hoped, could provide no illumination on the subjects they needed. He was a soldier and knew soldiering. Liara admitted to still being fascinated and wanted to continue to talk to him, but that was in her hopes of answering questions about Prothean culture and not so much in the hope of his providing knowledge that would help them against Reapers.
When Liara had finally lost her passion and her patience and indicated an end to discussion, Javik had said quietly "I wish to speak to Commander Shepard."
So here Jane was, drumming her fingertips and staring at a frozen screen of the long interview, an appropriately representative sneer on Javik's face.
Liara had explained to Javik the mechanics of indoctrination and explained the method of treatment. Liara was not willing to suggest that Jane meet him face to face, and was not even a little certain that Javik would not finish what he started and attempt to kill Jane again.
Normally Jane might be cautious, but she'd really had a bad couple of days and her caution was not the thing speaking loudest and most expressively. Right now what she had was contempt.
Liara was recommending that she be able to meld with Javik and help determine his motives, but Jane waved that idea away distastefully "Liara, I don't want anybody in that head. I can manage."
Jane had headed to the Med Bay, formulating her approach on the way, Liara left behind with the only response a fading, resigned sigh that was cut off as the door closed behind Jane.
Javik was being medically examined voluntarily, but when Jane had entered the Med Bay and glanced at Dr. Chakwas, Karin left them both alone.
She felt they'd already been introduced enough so she wasted no time on courtesy, assuming it would be dismissed anyway. She was reminded of Wrex having to be assaulted before he'd accept authority and she wondered exactly how malignant Prothean status was. Considering there was exactly one Prothean left, she was going to gather what she could from the beacon and her visions of Javik and go from there, feel her way.
Jane informed him "I've learned a few things about Protheans in my travels. They like force. They like slavery. They like killing. They are not big on autonomy or subtlety. If you were to stand trial before you own people and account for your actions I believe I know what would happen. You failed your mission to fight back Reaper forces. Would your fellow Protheans forgive you for that?"
Javik said in neutral, accepting tones "No."
She nodded, considering it was a good sign she wasn't already dead, but also slightly disappointed he didn't lunge at her again and she didn't get a chance to break something of his. She continued "You enslaved other races in the fight against the Reapers."
He confirmed "Yes."
She nodded again and said "So it is fair to say, from my point of view, that I wish to accomplish a mission that you failed to accomplish, and you belonged to a culture that would demand your life for that failure, without question or mercy."
He inclined his head "That is correct."
She considered him and said "Is it possible your memory is incomplete and you may regain it? Are you experiencing losses of what you know you should know? Is there any hidden knowledge regarding the Crucible in your mind that patience would restore?"
He stated unequivocally "My memory is not impaired."
Fuck.
She swallowed back what felt like righteous and bitter rage. She wanted to hurt him badly. Instead she said "Your mission failed. Your culture failed. You have no insight and no utility to me as someone who can wield tools other than slavery and murder. I have seen enough slavery and murder and it would perhaps be the greater good to serve your own culture's standards and execute you for your failures in their eyes."
His voice was steady as he watched her, his head tilting slightly. "That would be your right." He did not look or sound afraid, and the tilt of his head was not curious but assessing. Was he accepting of her authority? Aware of relative helplessness? He did not seem terribly interested or concerned about his own death. She asked "How did you know I was indoctrinated?"
He said evenly "As you recovered my final memories and the intent of the facilities, I was able to detect indoctrination presence as part of your mind's composition as well as devise how to communicate with your physiology. We had not determined the mechanics of indoctrination in our cycle, only the presence. It was not until you touched me that more of your composition became apparent."
She narrowed her eyes and said on a hunch "Tell me what these words translate into in the Prothean language: 'I am sorry.'"
Javik's head tilted as though trying to listen, and he said "Those words indicate admission of unacceptable weakness. A Prothean translation is 'I deserve to die'"
She nodded. She didn't know if the shape of his mind could even comprehend what it is she did or what it was she wanted. The only anomaly is why he wanted to talk to her if it wasn't a ruse to take her life. So she asked "Why did you wish to speak to me?"
Javik stood up and stepped close. He was graceful and deliberate, his former neutrality and willingness to back down or remain reclining gone with the invitation to speak for himself. He was effectively imposing. An unwelcome moment of appreciation for anybody that could move like that struck her oddly, because on any other day she'd want this creature on her side, and as a commander she considered the display effective in relaying competence. Right now it was provoking. She wanted to hit him just a little bit harder.
If his people had won against the Reapers, they would have been iron fisted slavers, convinced of their right to do so. He was the essence of might equals right.
A small voice said 'can't really discount the might, though.'
Shut up, small voice.
She held her ground and refused to back up, though something in her spine would really have liked to move back just then.
He blinked all eyes slowly and said "You touched me."
She raised a brow. That obviously meant nothing to him, just as his statement meant nothing to her. She waited.
He elaborated "I learned a great deal when you touched me, Jane."
His certainty, not arrogant, but confident, his tone, body carriage and words raised some more alarm in her spine. He was not going to kill her, not at all. He was, however, going to enjoy whatever knowledge he had gained by his physiological assessment. He blinked again and it seemed to have some more expressive significance, like a mandible movement from Garrus. He continued "You learned nothing from touching me. I will give you the opportunity to correct that. Regardless of how my people conducted their empire, you have not and will not do the same. You would offer me the choice to fight the Reapers in concert with you or to find my own way. I will find my own way by choosing to fight the Reapers with you." She could not argue with that. She was busy trying to think of something to say more eloquent than 'oh' when he said "I am heartened to learn that my fight is your fight. I am honored to fight with you. I choose to believe that one day you will value me as I value you."
She was torn between smiling despite herself and breaking his nose. She tilted her head and said "Touching you was an invitation to sex in your culture?"
He said "Adult Protheans do not touch except in specific circumstances."
She'd been aware this would be weird and she was a little glad it was only about an alien come on and promise of service, and not a death threat and public hazard. She said informatively "In my case it was to keep from being killed by a newly defrosted fossil."
His smile was small and slow as he said "You are an impressive woman. You are a leader who makes new choices and you have a history of those choices having worked. I understand your overture was defensive and I gained an advantage from that action. No harm will come to you from me. I will follow your orders. I will preserve life if that is what you demand, or take it as you choose. I learned a great deal through your touch and I am capable of learning more new things. I am a solider of decisive competence."
She took that seriously enough and she said "Good. I accept. Do you wish to serve on the Normandy or in another capacity, perhaps with Liara, to work on research?"
The now familiar contempt returned to his voice "Research is not my area of expertise."
She asked "Then what is?"
He responded "My name means Vengeance."
She found she had room for vengeance, had been nearly full of that when she'd walked into the room, would leave with more at her disposal. "That is acceptable."
He continued "I invite you to touch me again at your convenience. I would be willing to demonstrate what regard that inspired."
She said blandly "Courteous as that is, I find myself previously engaged."
He nodded and said "With a Turian and a Drell, yes, and echoes of Drell." So not him just getting a 'sense' of her command, specifics and preferences. Garrus and Thane, Urem and Yahlis, and knowing enough that 'echoes of Drell' is about as far as she'd have her sex life discussed without her wanting to kill him to prevent indiscretion. It was in a way proof of discretion without disclosure of specifics. She was curious but did not want to focus on that. She'd apparently gotten so used to the idea of exposure that it did not carry the same horror as it once had, and she did think that him being a Prothean would be the headliner in any public forum, not that Commander Shepard had slept with yet another alien. This was business and would stay that way. She could also in fact trust to his established arrogance that he was not an idle gossip and he had the Prothean corollary of 'loose lips sink ships.' He had not asked Liara about her, only conveyed that he wished to speak to her. Acceptance of confidentiality seemed her best course. His head tilted and although he did not step closer, his voice was pitched as though he had "It is not their decision, it is yours."
She smiled and said "Yes, and that decision is a polite no."
His voice did not change as he said "For now."
She said "There is a lot of now ahead of us, and that is the potential that concerns me. Whatever information you gained through touch, I ask that you keep that knowledge to yourself, and discuss it with me only if you must, and only in private." After his discussion with Liara and his attitude, she didn't think he would be talking much to anybody.
He considered a moment, then said "People in our presence will be aware that I respect you, that I am willing to follow your orders. I will invite you to touch me again. Likely often. If you do not wish to disclose the source of that, I will not."
She felt the urge to cross her arms over her chest, but instead held still, wondering if the urge was protective or angry or both. She felt curious about the implications of that established boundary. If she could manage Wrex and Grunt, she could manage this. She said "Three intelligent people saw me touch you. You have obnoxiously informed Liara of your ability and that will be public knowledge. If you do not mind that I will ignore or rebuff you in front of people if you persist in pressing a suit I have no interest in pursuing, then I can otherwise accommodate your behavior as a cultural difference. I will inform Garrus and Thane so they are not taken by surprise, and beyond that you may become a target for humor and not fear if you continue." She doubted it, but might as well make the threat. She would respect him and he would earn respect, it seemed. She might have elaborated on nuances here of what she required in a lover, such that she required trust and that was absent. She might have even mentioned practicalities such as she could not for the life of her figure out how to even make it work and her bed was crowded enough. He'd tried to kill her, she wanted to give him a few hints to warn him off but not enough hints that he took it as an invitation. Telling him a direct stop beyond what she had already expressed would be a provocation. He would consider that if she protested, there must be cause. She must be bulletproof, and as Commander Shepard she could be that. Her best course was weary acceptance on the basis of his utility. Pride mattered to this man and there was no more need to poke at him. She watched his impassive face and said "As long as you follow orders, and if I order you to shut up it will be to minimize distractions and noise, and if I order you to shoot I mean now and that it is not an invitation to speak. I believe I can arrange for you to Exact Vengeance." The emphasis on the phrase was in her head and stayed there, she found it poetic.
He had a vicious smile and she appreciated him more.
Not want to have sex more.
Just more.
She inclined her head and said "Welcome aboard."
He nodded, his smile faded back to neutral and he reclined back on the Med Bay bed, and she felt they understood each other. That is he understood her, she'd insulted everything he stood for and they were both uninjured. The rest would shake out.
So…good news, one more asshole on board that likes to kill things.
oOoOoOoOoOo
On her way to talk to Garrus she got an Omni Tool alert, the sender was Thane, so she swerved in a corridor into an alcove to answer. She spoke his name, and felt the surge of hope that it might be now that he came home, but she realized quickly that it was recorded. Mostly because he said it was recorded. She heard him say "This is a recorded message, sent on a delayed timer from within the Normandy. I know I will not break silence due to the necessary security on a mission that is of such tailored necessity. These circumstances reflect one of the only possibilities able to tear me from your side. And it is a tearing. I will miss you, Jane. Wherever I am right now, the thought of you will surge in the heart that looks for you, watches where you have graced my life, brings me memories of you. Your memories are not as mine, and I thought perhaps it would be good for you to be able to hear my voice when you choose, undimmed, unchanged, unaltered through time. I love you, my Siha, my Jane, my wrist bound. We will work our long days separate, and I will return and claim my place at your side." He smiled in the recording and said "Tan iva'las, Siha." and then the recording ended.
Tan iva'las. 'I speak the words of truth.'
She blinked through a few tears and tilted her head forward, closing her eyes to savor the fragile bloom of pleasure and warmth from him at such a distance before it faded.
She'd watch it until she had it memorized and it would not have the adamant authority of a Drell memory, but she would listen and watch until she could call it back at any moment.
As much as she might imagine recordings Garrus had made of Thane, sounds and intensity and sex, this was more suited to her needs, a moment like any other, with no demands or requests, something he chose as a thoughtful gift for her to find solace and not lust.
Though there was lust, if things lived in her heart, they also lived in her body, complaining of lost opportunities.
She muttered softly that she would like to get on to his claiming at her side part, and used that buffer to find the energy to tear her from that alcove and not play it again and again. She'd do that later, in moments like others that would become layered and reinforced by other moments.
She found Garrus and tried to find words. With her head spinning from Thane speech, she hadn't framed her intent. He didn't seem to notice her distraction, which was good, because instead of his backing up and looking at her as though she smelled like something explosive, he greeted her as any other moment. Good.
He pulled back, put his crest to her forehead and she said "Seems Protheans pick up a lot from other sentient beings just by touching them."
Garrus tilted his head "Really. Did you talk to him?"
She nodded "Yes. He wants to stay on the Normandy. He did not apologize for trying to kill me because I don't think there are words in Prothean for apology. There is only doom and dying for failure. I offered him doom and failure on the basis of that being what his people would do to him…but he says he'd like to stick around, maybe have sex with me and not stop asking until I say yes, that he'll follow my orders and find opportunities to convince me to touch him again."
Garrus was amused. Good. That's what that story meant. He said curiously "Are you tempted?"
She said honestly "No. My relationships have always had to had trust. Hard for me to imagine trusting someone that lunged at me like that, someone who has no words for apology and whose hungers revolve around vengeance and sex."
Garrus interrupted and said "Well, vengeance and sex sounds exactly like Thane. What, you're into green but not blue?"
She said drily "Consider that I just threw something at you."
He answered with a shrug "Consider that I caught it."
She said "They aren't interchangeable or even really comparable, and it took me several missions and conversations and helping him find Kolyat to even consider it."
Garrus said "Yeah, I doubt Javik has a son he could rescue…"
Jane told him "He was able to pick up just from touching me that I had a Drell lover and a Turian lover. Unless he just grabbed that from passing gossip and is making more of it than it seems. His desire to shoot seems genuine."
Garrus said with obvious curiosity "So do you think you'd eventually just sleep with him because he's the last remaining member of his race and it seems like the poor guy has had a rough time of it?"
She laughed and said "He's not going to work the pity angle, I'm pretty sure. I just told him no, he said he'd keep asking, and I said he might eventually become a target of humor as a result. I informed him I'd inform you, so I'm informing you. You're not prone to be jealous, but you don't particularly care for disrespect. He does not consider it disrespect to reiterate."
Garrus thought a moment and said "This is one of those intellectual moments where I probably would have wanted to take a crack at a Prothean but I'm bonded."
She grinned and said "If I change my mind, I'll inform everyone. So far though, really, no."
Garrus said curiously and half encouragingly "You wouldn't consider doing it just for the novelty of it and to assuage my curiosity?"
She shook her head "No, I think I'll stick to my present roster."
Garrus made a disappointed sound "Guess I'll never know. Maybe I can talk Thane into it."
She considered that and then said "Okay, yeah, intellectual curiosity does odd things."
Garrus walked forward, kissed her and said "Well, that answers the question of what we're going to do with a Prothean."
She smiled "Not sleep with him."
He sighed "Missed anthropological opportunity."
She said "On the bright side, he seems to want to kill things. A lot. He is not the gentle, wise Prothean that Liara envisioned. He's arrogant, his culture was based on slavery and conquest, and his name means Vengeance."
Garrus took that in gravely and said "Want me to check his weapons proficiency and get him suited up?"
She said gratefully "Yes, please. Just…wear gauntlets."