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A/N: I know I didn't get back to all reviewers yet. There were a lot of emotions in the reviews for last chapter and I wanted to get this chapter to you as quickly as possible. I did read every review, and I will try to respond to all. There were a couple of anonymous reviewers with questions, but I have no way of getting back to you. If you would like your questions answered, you may private message me or leave a signed review. :)

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Not Without You

Chapter 38: Serenity

"Shh, Bella, shh."

I felt a hand pushing my hair back, and opened my eyes. In the early morning darkness, hours before the sun would take its first peek over our side of the earth, and before there'd been a wakeful moment to process or reflect on the storm that had taken place inside our living room the evening before, Edward was over me, not a hint of a smile on his lips or in his eyes.

"Hmm?"

"Are you okay?" he asked.

I frowned. "Yeah, why?"

He didn't answer; he just hugged me.

"Did I say something?"

"Yes," he said, his voice muffled by my hair.

"It wasn't funny this time?"

I felt him shake his head against me, his face buried in my shoulder. I pet his hair.

"Was it bad?"

He nodded.

"I can't remember my dream. Tell me what I said."

He pulled back and gazed down at me again, then kissed my face. "You're not alone, Bella. You have me; you have all of us."

"I said I was alone?"

"And that you don't have anyone."

"Oh." I turned away from him, my cheek against my pillow. He pulled me close and kissed the back of my neck through my hair.

"Talk to me, Bella. Do you feel alone?"

"Last night, you left me there. Everyone left me there. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to call Alice. She's the only one who…"

He turned me to face him. "The only one who what?"

"I can tell her anything. She'd never get mad at me."

He lay back, resting an arm over his forehead, looking up at the black ceiling.

It was my turn to lean over him. He was looking at me now. "Why did Rosalie say all that to me? Do you think I control you? And Emmett, too? Do you feel like you're on a leash?"

"Not at all, Bella. You don't control me. You give me everything. And it's not a leash. It's more like a magnet. I want to be wherever you are."

I put my head on his bare chest, his heart beating against my cheek. His arms encircled me. "Don't feel alone. That's the last thing I want you to feel. I'm sorry I left you in the living room. I shouldn't have done that. And last night, things were said that should never have been said."

"I know."

His fingers played with the ends of my hair, relaxing me, but still, I didn't feel sleep anywhere near me. Sleep was gone. I glanced over at the clock on Edward's bedside table. It was just after 4:00.

"I'm getting a drink. Do you want anything?"

He took my hand and kissed it. "Just you," he said. "Hurry back."

I pulled on his T-shirt and my panties and headed for the kitchen. But I never made it there. Out in the living room, on the big chair, Rosalie was sleeping. I touched her shoulder and she opened her eyes.

"Oh." She looked around. "I couldn't sleep."

"You were sleeping. Do you want to go to bed?"

"No." She cleared her throat and sat up.

I sat on the sofa and tried to think of the right words to say, but nothing momentous came to mind. "Why did you have trouble sleeping?" was as good as it got just then.

"Because of you."

"Rosalie... I have to apologize for what I said last night. It was possibly the worst thing I could have brought up."

"Forget about it, Bella. That's not why I couldn't sleep. I was up thinking about what I said to you. Besides, you did a lot for me back then. I would have been mad too, if Emmett started spending so much time with you."

"I was never mad about it. My concern for you trumped all other feelings. And Edward wanted to be there for you. He was so worried about you that he even ignored Emmett's requests for help just so he wouldn't upset you."

"What do you mean?"

"Emmett kept wanting Edward to talk to you for him, but when Edward saw how it affected you, he stopped."

"I'm such a screwed up person, aren't I?" She fingered the ends of her shirt and looked down at it as if examining the threads. I wondered if she even saw them, though.

"No, you're not. Don't say that."

"Well, I'm not the person I should be, anyway. I'm nowhere near the person Irina would be."

"You don't have to be like Irina."

"Obviously I can't be, even if I try. You can, though. You're just like her."

"That wasn't what you were saying last night."

She brought her bare feet up on the chair and wrapped her arms around her legs, still in jeans. "I don't know what I said last night. I was so mad before I even saw you and Edward…" she paused and shook her head, her eyes tearing. "And Emmett. He keeps talking about you when we argue. Last night he said that I always blow things out of proportion, and that if it were you and Edward, that you would understand. And that got me thinking, how can someone be that understanding all the time? Edward calls you perfect, and now Emmett was essentially saying he wanted me to be more like you. I just started looking for your faults. And whether they were true or not, I found them. Then there you were, kissing Edward, being the girlfriend Emmett wished I was. So perfect." She shook her head, her tears spilled. She wiped them quickly. "Sorry."

"I'm not perfect, Rosalie. The reason I'm understanding is because I hate fighting with anyone. I think a lot. I'm in my own head all the time, and I over-analyze myself. Believe me, I'm aware of my faults. So when people say things to me like you did last night--some of the things I already think about myself--it just solidifies what I already see as my insufficiencies. But everybody falls short, and you know I'm not perfect. You told me so last night. You think I manipulate Edward."

"I don't think that. Last night, I saw the plausibility of it. He does everything you want. He lets you steer your relationship. If you turn right, he follows, and if you make a hard left, he turns, too. He's not even in the passenger seat; he's in the backseat. The only reason he's here is because of you. He was never like that before you. He made his own decisions."

"And the only reason I'm here is because of him; doesn't that count for anything?"

"Yes, it does. Nothing I said last night was fair to you."

"The way I said that Edward put his life on hold for you wasn't fair either. And it isn't exactly true. He went to you when you needed him, but he included me, too. He spent an awful lot of time and energy making sure that I was okay with everything. He didn't forget me in helping you. And he wanted to help you, Rosalie. He was so worried about you that he wouldn't have been able to stop himself. Do you believe that?"

"Yeah, I do. Knowing Edward, I do."

We sat in silence for a bit. Edward must have been wondering what was taking me so long. I leaned back against the sofa.

"Bella, can I tell you something? I mean, without you feeling pity for me?"

"Go ahead."

"Irina never leaves my mind." She whispered it as if they were words that should never be spoken. "She's always there somewhere. When I'm eating, sleeping. When I wake up or I'm acting like the bitch she would despise. She haunts me. And I don't mean like a ghost, but the memory of her. And I see her, right before… She was smiling at me, Bella. She was happy to hand me my big old huge fucking bag. Don't-Don't look at me like that."

"Like what?"

"Your eyes. I asked you not to feel sorry for me."

"Rosalie." I tried to stop, but how could I not feel sorry for someone who'd been through what she'd been through, and was apparently still facing it every day? "I don't have a sibling, but if I'd lost any family member the way you lost Irina, that person would always be on my mind."

Edward emerged from the bedroom then. He was wearing sweats, but no shirt, and holding Masen. "There you are," he said. He walked toward us. Rosalie held her arms out for Masen, and when Masen saw her he reached for her, too. Edward delivered our son to Rosalie. She kissed his cheek and hugged him.

I wanted Masen, but I let Rosalie hold him. The little guy had no idea what he provided for all of us just by existing.

"You look better," Edward said to Rosalie.

She nodded. "Bella and I talked." She shifted Masen so he was sitting on her lap with his back to her. "I owe you an apology, too. What I said about Bella was wrong."

"Yeah," he said, taking a seat by me. "Very wrong. We both were. She didn't deserve that from either of us." He brought a hand to my head and brushed down my hair. "Are you aware of all she's done for me?" he asked Rosalie, but he was looking at me. "She even found me a piano." He smiled at me. "And I have nothing to give her." He kissed my forehead and let his lips linger.

"You give her yourself, Edward. So, you had a fight last night. That's not the end. People fight."

Edward still hadn't looked away from me. "That doesn't make anything that happened last night right," he said and kissed my hand, before finally turning to face Rosalie, who'd been talking to the back of his head. "You can't talk to Bella the way you did. Some of the things you said, about Christmas and when Masen was sick, those are non-issues for us and they're really none of your business. You have no right to spin what I say and use it against Bella. You knew what you were saying was an exaggeration if not a fabrication."

"I know."

"You were volatile last night, Rose, even before Bella said what she said. And after what she said, what it did to you." He leaned forward . "You know, you stopped your therapy after you left Forks, but maybe that was premature. I think you should find someone here."

"Emmett suggested that, too. I don't know exactly what I need, but I need something." Masen reached up to touch Rosalie's chin. She took his fingers and kissed them. "In the kitchen, after I broke down, I said that you were only there for me out of obligation, but I know that isn't true. I took so much from you back then. Both of you. I took whatever you'd give me, and I don't even think I ever thanked either one of you for that."

"You did," Edward said, and I nodded in agreement. She'd thanked me the day she finally cried and allowed Emmett back into her life.

"It isn't enough, though. I couldn't have gotten through that period without you, Edward. I'm alive because of you. You saved my life and in turn I cause problems in your relationship. I'm not going to do that anymore."

"No, you're not," Edward said. "How long have we known each other, Rose?"

She looked up at the ceiling. "Eleven years, almost twelve."

"More than half our lives," he said. "And in that time, have I ever hurt you or let you down?"

"You wouldn't do that."

"I've done it," he said. "To Bella. The only woman I've ever loved. You have no idea how it feels to know that she can never say what you just said. Whether or not she'll admit it, I know I let her down when I helped you through your grief. She was amazing the entire time, wasn't she?"

Rosalie looked at me and nodded, and I wondered if she really needed to hear again how amazing I was.

"And last night, Rose, I hurt her. Hopefully she can forgive me for the way I acted." I saw tears in his eyes, and Rosalie noticed them, too. Her eyes softened. "But it stops now. I know that you're in pain and I know that a part of that pain will never go away, but I'm going to have to let you down. I can't risk hurting Bella over anyone, including you."

"Okay," Rosalie said, but she wasn't looking at him. She was looking past him, and then down at Masen.

"And if you have a problem with the Edward I am now, all I can say is you're going to have to get used to it. I'm Bella's Edward, and that's my decision. No leash; no force."

"I get it, Edward. You don't have to continue."

He continued anyway. "I don't want you to pick a fight with Bella ever again just because your life isn't going the way you want it to."

"I already said I wouldn't do that. Are you done?"

"I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, Rose. And I'm not going to abandon you, but Bella's feelings have to come first for me. I'm sorry, but they just do. Just like Emmett should come first for you, you know? I want you to be happy, but for that to happen, you need to feel like you deserve it and then let it happen. You're fighting it still."

She adjusted Masen, who was squirming on her lap, fussing and signing for food. She wiped a fallen tear from her cheek. "Can I feed him breakfast?"

"Sure," I said, going over to kiss him and say good morning. "Auntie Rose is going to feed you, baby. Just the rice cereal and fruit is fine," I told her.

She took Masen to the kitchen, holding him close, his head against her shoulder, his blond hair blending with hers.

"Is she going to be okay?" I asked Edward.

"I hope so. But she had to hear that, even if it hurt. She needs to know for sure where I stand with you. Bella," he said, turning my shoulders toward him. I could tell by the look on his face that he was going to apologize again.

"Let's just forget about it. There's something else I want to talk about."

"Anything."

I told him about my talk with Rosalie and how Emmett would bring me up in their fights.

"Of course he wants Rosalie to be like you. Why wouldn't he?" He reached for my hand and I gave it to him.

"But that's a big problem. I think us being here causes more arguments between them."

"What are we supposed to do about that, love?"

"We're supposed to move out."

His eyes narrowed and a disbelieving smirk came to his lips. "Move out?"

"Think about what happened last night. Emmett and Rosalie were fighting but we weren't. We were happy. But then Rosalie started in on me, and then you and me…"

"You and me." He wrapped an arm around me. "You and me. It was bad."

I nodded. "I can only think of one fight worse than that."

"Kate."

I didn't have to nod or answer that time. "And if we stay, there's the potential that it could get worse between Emmett and Rosalie, or us. I don't want that."

"But I can't move. I have to live on campus for the entire first year in order to remain a student."

"We can wait until summer."

"We'll never find a place this affordable."

I shrugged and finally shared my thoughts about the apartment at the bed and breakfast. The conversation that had been waiting hours to be had. The conversation that would have been had if Rosalie hadn't seen me kissing Edward at the height of her argument with Emmett.

"You've thought about this."

"Yeah."

"You really want this?"

"Only if you want it too, because Rosalie thinks I lead you around too much."

"Bella, don't listen to what Rosalie said. Even she knows she was wrong. I do what I want to do. It's just a coincidence that we both want the same things. She needs to understand that. So answer me. Is this what you want?"

"Yes, it is."

"Okay. We'll look into it. Can I check out the apartment?"

"You'll love it." I smiled and described it to him. I may have made it sound like a palace, but the way I saw it, a place of our own, it may as well have been a palace.

"Bella," he took my face in both of his hands. "I know you want me to drop this, but I can't yet. Something's been heavy in my head and I have to say it."

"What?"

"That day when Phil was an ass to you, I was so pissed off at him I could have kicked the shit out of him for treating you like that, making you feel like nothing." He shook his head. "But last night, the way I spoke to you, I can't describe how wrong it was. I treated you in a way I don't think anyone should ever treat you. And that is nobody's fault but my own."

My eyes watered as I heard him turn the words he'd used on me last night around on himself.

"Trying to calm Rosalie in the kitchen, I was brought back to the days when she wasn't even a shell of herself, and until I heard myself hurting you with my own words, I wasn't in the present. But as soon as I reminded you of her suicidal thoughts and saw the devastation in your face, I was back. It was like a snap, and everything I said to you just keeps playing itself over and over. I swear to you on my life that I will never behave like that again. I won't allow anyone to treat you that way, least of all me. You are far too good for me, Bella. You're too good for anyone. But I'm yours. If you want me, I'm yours."

I looked closely at him. His eyes were on mine, and then down at his hands in his lap. They were fisted tight. I took them.

"We all made mistakes. You were only eighteen when you, all by yourself, were helping your best friend through the worst situation. I tried so hard not to let it bother me, and when it did, when I felt jealousy or anger creeping up, I swallowed it, pushed it away, and ignored it because I knew that whatever Rosalie was facing was worse than anything I was feeling. But maybe if I hadn't held everything in, it wouldn't have been on my mind last night and I wouldn't have brought it up. I'm not taking the blame, but I'm just saying that we all had a part to play in how things turned out last night. And Edward, I'm not too good for you. I need people to stop telling me that I'm too good, or perfect, because those are impossible standards to live up to. In fact, if you weren't so adamant about me being perfect, maybe when I make mistakes like the one I made last night, you wouldn't go off the deep end like you did. It wouldn't be so shocking to you if you didn't expect perfection."

"You're right." He tucked hair behind my ear and held me at the back of my neck. "I won't say you're perfect, but I just have to… thank you for being you." He kissed me, and it was slow and soft, his fingers in my hair at the nape of my neck. I sunk into his hold.

"What happened in the kitchen last night?"

"Bella." His fingers traced around my ear. "She was crying and she wouldn't let Emmett comfort her. She wouldn't say anything for the longest time. She just kept crying and shaking her head at me. And I waited."

"When she finally did say something?"

"She um…" He frowned and looked down, both of his hands in his lap now. "She said that I was the only person she could talk to back then because we'd both always counted on each other. Growing up together, it had become automatic that we would talk our problems out with each other or ask advice, anything. Just like when you asked me why she was the only one in the group I told about my decision to propose to you. I didn't have an answer other than that it was automatic. I didn't even think of it that way; I just did it. So, I knew what she meant. She went on to say that she didn't realize she'd been wrong about that, and she was sorry to have been such a burden on me. She'd rather I ignored her than take care of her out of some sort of knightly obligation. By then she wasn't crying anymore. She wasn't angry either, but she was still irrational. She asked me why I continued a charade, instead of just telling her that I couldn't be there for her. Why did I allow her to lean on me just to go home and… and complain to you about it." His eyes came back to mine. "I tried to tell her that wasn't how it was at all, but she wouldn't believe me, and she said that I was only continuing to humiliate her by lying about it. That was when I left the kitchen."

"Did she tell you that she still sees Irina everyday?"

"Yeah, I know that. I know that she also often relives the accident. And she will probably always hold some amount of blame in what happened no matter how much therapy she seeks."

I leaned back against his chest and his fingers drifted up and down my arm.

"I'm going to try to reach out to her more. When Alice was here, Rosalie mentioned how distant I've been. I really have been, I guess. I knew she and Emmett were having a hard time, but last night made me realize that her problems are much deeper than that."

"Last night was such a mess," he said.

"It's over now," I said.

"Bella, do you feel alone?"

I turned and put my hand on his chest, felt his skin, and smiled. Whatever this feeling was, it was definitely not alone.

"No."

He titled my face toward him to kiss me. It felt good to have everything out in the open between Edward and me, and Rosalie. And I would have loved to continue kissing him, but it was Sunday and I had to work. The sun was starting to shine through the window, and I knew by the delicate sight of it that it was time for me to get ready.

In the shower, I tried not to think about the events that had happened over the past ten hours, but I couldn't stop the thoughts. Similar to Edward, I played over and over what was and wasn't said the night before. I thought of Emmett's silence, and remembered his fear of Rosalie leaving and never coming back, something he still probably hadn't mentioned to her, but a big reason for his silence, and something that was surely adding to their problems. I'd learned that feelings held in could come back with a bite. They could take off a limb. And all of Rosalie's feelings... how long had she been holding them inside herself, stacking block after block of hurt and pain on top of her fragility?

Something had happened between her and me last night, and even if we'd talked it out, I wasn't sure we could get back what we once had. I now had a mistrust in her. I had a guard up and the feeling that I couldn't trust her enough to confide in her. Even Edward couldn't do that, as close as they were. She felt things with a sensitivity that she seemed to lose or ignore when she spoke to others. I'd known that much since I'd first met her. I'd known it, but I hadn't acknowledged it.

But some of the things she'd said--how she wasn't living up to whom she wanted to be, or whom her sister would want her to be. Rosalie desired to be a better person, but she honestly was unsure how to go about it. Could I help her with that? Did she really want to be more like me and Irina, as she'd stated? How could she want to be like two people she seemed to resent? Me and the memory of her sister.

I let the water rinse my soap away and decided I'd plan a visit to Berkeley. Masen was nursing less than ever, and was drinking milk from his cup more than from my breasts at this point. He would be fine without me for a night. I dressed in the bathroom, towel-dried my hair, then scooped up my laundry and headed out. Emmett was exiting his room at the same time. Nobody else was in the living room. I could hear voices in the kitchen, and Masen's laugh.

"B," Emmett said, and without any other words, he reached out to hug me. His hugs were still as strong as ever, and he lifted me. "Which talk show should we contact? I'm sure we'd have our pick of several very respectable ones."

"Trying to lighten the mood?"

"Is it working?"

"Yes."

He nodded. "I can't call you 'love' anymore, B."

"That's fine with me. I prefer it when you call me 'B.' It was the first nickname you gave me. It should be the one to stick."

He smiled before heading toward the kitchen.

"Hey, Emmett?"

He turned back.

"Will we all ever be what we once were?"

He took steps toward me. "We're growing up, B. Our perspectives of the world are changing. So, no, we can't go back. That's impossible. But we can move forward. If we try hard enough and want it enough, we can be better than we were before. Capicse?"

"I guess so."

"You never know. Maybe that blow-out last night was just what we all needed. A big kick in our asses. Something's wrong in our dynamic and it's not all you, Edward, Rosalie or me. It's the group of us. We know that now. We can work on it. See?"

"What do ya know? You have the capability to be optimistic and reassuring. Now go be that way with Rosalie."

"Yes ma'am. Will do."

Typically on Sundays, Edward would stay home with Masen, but that Sunday, they both came to work with me. Edward saw the apartment and fell in love with its possibilities the way I knew he would, and he met Mrs. Pollazzi for the first time. We sat together on the bed and breakfast sofa, Masen moving back and forth between Edward's lap and mine. I'd noticed Edward's gaze drawn to the piano more than a few times. It made me smile.

"$600.00 a month," she said, sitting in her chair, a finger to her lips.

I looked at Edward. "I can pay that with one paycheck." Then I turned to Mrs. Pollazzi. "We can't move in until June."

"Then it will be here for you and your boy in June."

"Edward," he said, smiling. "My name's Edward. Not boy."

She laughed and patted his knee. "You're all right," she said.

A/N: Review please. :)