Chapter 38
"Sasuke …"
That one word coming through his headset in Sakura's voice made Kakashi's heart fall to the pit of his stomach, and it wasn't helped by the knowledge that he hadn't sensed his former student's chakra heading toward the field … Was he really that out of practice? Maybe he should be more careful around Sarada-chan …
The heart that was already in his stomach twisted painfully as he realized there might not even be another time when he would have to be more careful around the girl …
His fists clenched unconsciously, and he found himself struggling to move to where Sakura was; even though he knew that he needed to go, he wasn't sure he could stand it if the woman he loved were blushing and wearing that adoring look she usually did around her husband …
He bit back a bitter laugh and looked up at the sky. Her husband. That's right … he couldn't forget that the woman he was in love with was married, and everything they'd shared in the last few months might very well come to mean nothing in the face of it.
Funny how he could have been worrying about this very thing the night before, and yet it still shook him to the core to be confronted with it … to be confronted with Sasuke.
Funny how he had thought he would be prepared for it, wouldn't freeze at the sound of Sasuke's name slipping from Sakura's lips.
Funny how easily even the notoriously unflappable Copy-ninja could be brought figuratively to his knees because of one amazing woman who wasn't actually his …
Sakura watched Sasuke watch her for a moment before he finally responded with a simple "Sakura."
His deep voice, which normally would have made her shiver pleasurably, for some reason only bothered her just then. Why couldn't he embrace her? Or at least smile? Show some emotion? Why was he always like this?
She frowned at him, her irritation overriding her shock at his sudden appearance. "What are you doing here?" she asked, trying her best to keep her tone neutral.
She suspected it ended up being slightly accusatory anyway.
Frustratingly, the only answer she received was the ghost of a smirk as Sasuke remained standing about four or five feet away. Her irritation level rose at his indifference, but she was surprised to find that even though the distance bothered her, she felt no inclination to reach out for him herself.
When he continued to study her without saying anything, she sighed. "Last I heard, you were in Iwagakure …"
Finally, he nodded and looked away. "Yeah, there was a rumor about a potential faction coming together here in Kusa, so I decided to investigate."
He rested his hand on the hilt of his sword.
"Ah …" Sakura replied, and an awkward silence fell around them.
After a minute, she cleared her throat. "So … how are you?" she managed.
Thankfully, Sarada arrived only a few moments later.
"Dad!" the genin called out as she ran toward her parents, and Sakura wasn't sure she'd ever been happier to hear her daughter's voice … the stilted conversation she'd been attempting to have with Sasuke, though brief, had been more than uncomfortable, not least because she couldn't figure out if it had always been that way and she just hadn't noticed or if it were only that way now because of Kakashi …
Kakashi ...
Her heart dropped at the thought of the silver-haired man who had held her in his arms just a few hours ago, who had made her feel so much over the last few months, and she found herself fighting to keep her eyes dry as Sarada passed her by to trot up to her father.
What had she been doing? What was she doing?
She swallowed thickly as her daughter came to a stop at Sasuke's feet and he set his large hand upon her little head with an uncharacteristic warmth in his eyes and the smallest of smiles on his lips.
It was so clear that he loved their child …
What was she doing?
And where was Kakashi? Surely he'd heard her talking to Sasuke over the headset …
Suddenly, irrationally, she found that she needed him there. She needed him there to keep her jumbled feelings from overwhelming her. She needed his strong presence and his calming voice and -
She just needed him. She knew how wrong that was - really, how much more fucked up could you be than to need your illicit lover at your side in order for you to face your husband?
But it didn't change the fact that she wished Kakashi would get there, and she could barely contain her sigh of relief when she finally felt him approaching.
"Sasuke," the former Hokage greeted as he came to stand beside her.
Sakura allowed herself to glance up at him briefly, but he kept his gaze straight ahead, and so she followed suit, willing her disappointment at his refusal to look at her not to show on her face ... willing herself to act normally.
"Kakashi-sama! Dad's here!" Sarada cried excitedly, turning under her father's hand to beam at the Copy-nin.
Kakashi forced his face into one of his usual smiles. "Ah," he said, then met Sasuke's eyes, keeping his own blank.
"Kakashi," Sasuke nodded, and the older ninja thought he detected a slight twitch of his former student's eyebrow.
Whether or not he imagined the twitch, Kakashi discreetly put his weight on the leg opposite Sakura so as to increase the distance between them - this wasn't the time or the place to raise any flags, no matter how much his primal instincts were calling for him to pull her against his body and stake his claim.
He tucked one of his hands into his pocket. "So what brings you here?" he asked with false bonhomie.
Sasuke repeated what Kakashi had already heard through the headset, then returned the question.
"Hmm, well, I suppose that's better answered by Sakura-chan," he replied, tilting his head down at the pinkette, who caught his eye when he said her name.
Kakashi could see the tumult of emotions swirling around in those green orbs, and it made him want to wrap his arms around her ...
Instead, he settled for giving her a wink and a lopsided grin that spread into a soft smile when he saw her eyes shine with a measure of gratefulness at his gesture.
Feeling herself start to calm down at the sight of Kakashi's familiar grin, Sakura turned her gaze from the masked man to her husband and summoned a smile.
"We're on a mission," she started, then scowled at the way Sasuke lifted an eyebrow as if to say, "Obviously." Tamping down her annoyance, she continued, "We're trying to find a particular type of grass that poisoned two chuunin a few months ag-"
Her eyes widened suddenly, and she instinctively reached out for the dark-haired man, covering the few feet between them as she scolded him. "You shouldn't be walking here! That grass can penetrate regular sandals! We've got on special boots, but you -"
Sasuke lifted his hand from his daughter's head and used two fingers to poke Sakura just above the Byakugou no In. She immediately stopped talking and furrowed her eyebrows at him as she touched her forehead. "Sakura, I'm fine," he said, his tone expressionless as always.
"But -" she protested.
"Orochimaru made sure we were all inoculated against sashi-kusa when we were stationed at the base here," he explained with a sigh.
"Oh …yeah … that makes sense …" Sakura mumbled, letting her hand drop to her side.
"Then that means Orochimaru has already developed an antidote, right?"
All three Uchiha looked over to the Copy-nin when he spoke, and Sakura blushed as their eyes met. She unconsciously stepped back from Sasuke.
Sasuke appeared not to notice that his wife had moved ever-so-slightly away from him when she locked eyes with Kakashi, but Kakashi did, and it soothed a bit of the pain he'd felt when she'd rushed to the dark-haired man's side moments earlier.
He wanted to laugh at how pathetic and selfish he was, being jealous of a woman showing concern about her own husband, who just so happened to be one of his precious people too and therefore someone he should also have been concerned about ...
He clenched his jaw.
"Yes, I'm sure he has," Sasuke answered, and Kakashi saw Sakura's face perk up. "But I wouldn't hold out hope of him sharing it."
The pinkette's expression fell. "That's probably true …" she agreed glumly.
"I guess we'll have to stick to the original mission then," Kakashi shrugged. "Sasuke, what are your plans?"
He focused his deliberately lazy gaze on the black-cloaked ninja.
Sasuke returned it with a steady gaze of his own, and not for the first time, Kakashi found himself wondering what the one-time last Uchiha was thinking ... Did he have any idea that his former teacher was in love with his wife … and had been for years? Did he have any idea that his wife had let his former teacher bring her to orgasm against a tree? In her office? After spending the night in that former teacher's arms? Did he have any idea that his wife had made his former teacher come with her mouth while she was on her knees in his kitchen?
His eyes drifted over to Sakura for a moment, and he was suddenly disgusted with himself. He was disgusted that he could be even remotely turned on by the thought that he had shared things like that with Sakura that Sasuke knew nothing about, that he was thinking about their situation as if he and Sasuke were cavemen battling for a mate, that he was feeling some sort of twisted masculine pride in what he'd done with another man's wife ...
That wasn't what this was about at all.
Yet as he stood across from Sasuke, with Sakura between them, he couldn't quiet that small, unevolved part of himself that was counting as a victory each moan she'd made at his touch, each time she'd grasped him tightly to her body, each exhale of his name when he'd moved inside of her.
… And then he realized that maybe what he was feeling wasn't actually victory … maybe he was just trying to console himself in the face of probable defeat, taking solace in having had her body, because, after all, how could he really, truly hope to compete for her heart with the man who had held it for over two decades?
Sakura was torn. She had run to Sasuke without even thinking, but after looking back at Kakashi, she felt somehow … guilty ... about standing that close to her husband.
Which was ridiculous … he was her husband. Kakashi was just …
Kakashi, Inner Sakura stated flatly.
Yeah, she agreed as she and her inner self mentally sighed.
But even if she knew that Sasuke was her husband, it couldn't be helped … she felt guilty, and the way she couldn't read what Kakashi was thinking, the way his eyes were so guarded as he glanced at her while waiting for Sasuke to respond … she didn't like it. She wanted to know what was going through his mind just then - what did he think when he saw her standing beside her husband?
And then she turned her head toward Sasuke. What was he thinking? Had he noticed anything different about her interaction with Kakashi? Had he noticed her discomfort around him before Sarada and Kakashi arrived?
She knew her greeting had been less enthusiastic than normal … he could very well have found it strange ...
She could only hope that he wouldn't link it to Kakashi if he had …
Kakashi was quiet while Sasuke appeared to consider his question. Finally, the dark-haired man took his hand from his sword and dropped it to his side. "Hm," he murmured. "I suppose I can wait another day to investigate this rumor …"
Sarada jumped happily. "Shannaro!" she shouted. "This mission is, like, the best! Mom, Kakashi-sama, and now Dad too …" She looked up at her father. "Dad, did Mom tell you that I've been training with Kakashi-sama? He's been teaching me all kinds of new jutsu … I can't wait to show you!"
Kakashi watched Sasuke's expression as his daughter rambled on excitedly about the things he'd taught her, and he couldn't help feeling just a little bit smug when his former student caught his eye and raised an eyebrow.
"No, your mother didn't tell me," Sasuke said, his eyes shifting back from Kakashi to Sarada as he interrupted the girl's detailed recounting of how angry Sakura had been when she'd burned a hole in the backyard while practicing Katon: Goukakyuu no jutsu.
For his part, Kakashi wasn't able to detect any emotion - encouraging or otherwise - in Sasuke's voice as he responded, but Sarada didn't seem to mind. She just went right on with her story after noting that her mom "sucked" for not telling him about the training.
With a faint smile, Kakashi let his eyes travel over to Sakura, who was also smiling at Sarada and Sasuke, and he had the thought that they almost looked like a normal family …
He had to admit, at least to himself, that it hurt.
"Anyway," Sarada finished, grabbing her father's hand and leading him toward the top of the hill. "You can come search with me …"
As Sasuke glanced over his shoulder while he allowed himself to be dragged along, Kakashi was sure that if he'd been a more emotive man, his former student would have shrugged helplessly.
And if that former student hadn't been married to the woman he loved, Kakashi might have laughed.
When her husband and daughter reached the top of the hill where Sarada's section of the grid was located, Sakura realized that she and Kakashi were alone together, and her heart seemed to beat louder inside the cavity of her chest.
"Kakashi …" she started, her voice quiet as she looked at him. She felt helpless … what was she supposed to say to him? What did she want to say to him?
He met her eyes with his own, and the blankness there, the way he was hiding his emotions from her, made her heart ache.
"Sakura, it's okay … he's your husband," Kakashi said, his tone carefully measured.
But those words … in that guarded voice, so different from the way he usually talked to her ... She felt her throat begin to close up, and she couldn't help the tears that gathered at the corners of her eyes.
The sight of her tears broke his resolve to keep his expression neutral, and Kakashi unwillingly let some of his own pain and uncertainty and concern and love show through as they stared at each other over that distance of a few feet that felt like a few miles.
He could tell she noticed, because a few drops of salty water fell over her cheeks. He wanted to wipe them away, to hold her and never let her go ...
But he couldn't. He couldn't even move closer to her, not while they were in Sasuke's line of sight.
"I should get back to searching …" he murmured finally, though it was far from what he really wanted to say.
She turned her eyes up to the sky as she discreetly brushed the tears from her cheeks, and he could see her jaw clench, see her swallow with difficulty, before she finally met his gaze again and nodded.
"Yeah, okay," she croaked out. His chest tightened at the sound, and he held her eyes for a moment longer than he probably should have before forming the sign for Shunshin no jutsu and vanishing in a cloud of smoke.
It took Sakura several minutes to tear her eyes away from the spot where Kakashi had stood … that empty space seemed to her like more than just a place where he no longer was - it was like a physical manifestation of the hole that had been building inside of her with every breath she had taken since Sasuke had shown up.
She wondered if she would ever be close to Kakashi again.
The thought that she might not hurt more than she could have imagined, and that cutting pain terrified her as she managed to drag her gaze over to where Sasuke was helping their daughter. It was a sight that should have filled her with happiness - the man she had loved for most of her life spending time with the daughter they had created together ... enjoying it even, if the tiny breaks in his typically serious facade were any indication ...
But instead of making her happy, it felt like something was trying to tear her apart.
She was lost - utterly, completely lost, and she had no idea how to find her way again.
A/N: Well, even Kakashi isn't perfect ...
Also, "sashi-kusa": lit. "stabbing grass," because I'm super awesome at naming things …