A/N: Sorry, the last chapter was supposed to be this too…but it was just taking too friggin' long

A/N: Sorry, the last chapter was supposed to be this too…but it was just taking too friggin' long. Prolly 'cause I was distracted. And, to be honest, I just wanted to go to bed.

This chapter wouldn't fit with the last one either.

I got me some new gloves. They're lace-up fishnet fingerless black ones. Mrs. Lovett-esque, I'd say.

We should have a 'dear sweet God that's a sexy image' contest...

TiffaPure shares a LOVELY thought with us all. Two of 'em Check the 'reviews' page….cause it's nice. Clusterlizard also gives us (almost) free Alucard handcuffs, and an Alucard! Hurrah!

There are your shout-outs. Congrats.

Here an errant thought: I wish I knew how to play the harp. It seems so friggin' cool.

Do you know what's on tv right now…? A man is on his hands and knees, gnawing on a dead and rotting zebra. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH BEAR GRYILLS!? Did I spell that right? Doesn't matter. He just ate a zebra.

YAY! Now I can upload my videos of cute, screechy little owls to photobucket. And the eagle. And Indiana the Kestrel chirping like the adorable little hell-beast that he is.

I got bitten by a possum today. It hurt. I took a video of him biting the glove. It's on photobucket and youtube. Whee.

OW! I…keep biting my lip in the EXACT SAME PLACE. And I keep bleeding. It hurts like a bitch, you guys…

I has animal crackers.

I finally got a nice ringtone. Someone call me.

Oh…oh no. MY BETA'S ON VACATION! NOOOOOOOOOOO!

Ah! So many people are giving me advertising in their author's notes! It makes me feel bad…so, here you go guys. No really, I feel awful with such support from you and nothing from me. To those of you not addressed, go read these stories, listed in order of mention of me... They're really good...would I lie to you? Don't answer that.

xZeePoisonousOnex (Beth)'s story 'Twisted Blood'. It's kickass. And Beth is awesome in a can.

Epically Poet's (oh God I don't know your name! Shit!) 'A bene placio'. It too, is kickass. And I guarantee that I spelled it wrong the first time. It's 2:30 in the morning! GET OFF MY BACK!

B/N: I am back from the beach. I am very tan. We're going to the hick-fair tonight. I'm disappointed.

But seriously, Jennifer Pothering Christ, Avery said the only way I could go to the fair with you guys is if I didn't make fun of anyone. So I decided I'd be invited to the fair through you so I can still make fun of people with you.

I opened my eyes, not remembering falling asleep. I definitely felt better, and accepted the cookie still on my bedside table.

I realized I had no idea how long I had been asleep. I checked the clock; 9:00…at night?! We got home at five in the morning! I had been out for seventeen hours?! Jesus!

I guess blood loss plus hypnosis causes a friggin' coma.

I got up, changed my clothes and walked out into the deserted labyrinth-like hallways. I set out to look for Alucard, figuring he had to be up by now. But first I went to the kitchen and made some toast.

I continued my search, wandering around the ominous basement-dungeon. The sheer darkness of this place never failed at unsettling me. I constantly imagined something waiting for me around the next corner. Which is odd considering I was looking for a monster far deadlier than I could ever fathom.

I began to hear footsteps behind me. Footsteps that matched mine; stopping and moving with me. I turned around quickly, but being met with nothingness. I continued on, telling myself I was imagining it.

They started again, softer this time. Stalking.

I whipped around again, nervous. "Alucard…?" I got no answer. It was either him, or something else had gotten in the mansion.

Even if it was him, what if he was really hunting me? What if that short drink of my blood just made him want more? No doubt he'd be happy to drain me, and it would be a simple thing for him to do. Maybe he was getting annoyed with the many times he tasted my blood, but I was still alive…he might see me as a mission he never fulfilled, and now was the time to complete it. I don't know how he thinks; he's freaking crazy. Maybe I should stop looking for Alucard and start looking for witnesses…

I quickened my pace, listening closely to the footsteps that I now knew to be real. They didn't keep up with me this time, continuing their slow, soft, stalking stride. Despite this, they kept getting louder, closer.

Ghostly fingertips brushed the side of my neck. I yelped and spun around, heart crashing wildly.

Nothing.

I was getting scared now.

My walking verged on a jog as a soft growl sounded from behind me.

Powerful clawed hands grabbed my shoulders from behind me, yanking me backwards. I screeched, and something roared viciously next to my head, next to my neck. I caught the scent of rotting meat on this creature's breath; this was not Alucard. I saw shining jagged fangs sticking out from a dog-like muzzle, as the thing snarled into my ear.

I screamed piercingly and tore away from it, sprinting down the hall. I expected the thing to pounce, biting down on my shoulder and neck at the same time, ripping me to pieces.

I dashed into the first room (it was the last and only door in the hall) I came across; one of the several rooms with one of Alucard's tall-backed chairs in it. Alucard lounged in the chair, his hat askew on his head. He stared at me with a smirk. I stared at him with eyes huge and wild with fear, panting from my sprint.

"Good evening. You were asleep so long I thought you might have died." Well that's your fault, isn't it, jackass?

"Something just tried to eat me, Alucard!" I was too scared to be subtle.

"Oh did it now?" He got up. "Well let's go see what it is, shall we?" he grabbed my arm, pulling me along with him. He looked out of the door. "I don't see anything…" He glanced down at me, eyebrows raised.

"There…was…" I insisted halfheartedly.

"Maybe we just have to lure it out?" He tossed me back out into the hall, my eyes wide with shock and fear. He closed the door quickly, locking it and laughing.

"Alucard!" I yelled, pounding on the door in a panic. He didn't open it.

I gave up reluctantly and looked up and down the hallway, seeing nothing.

Low growling echoed through the corridor, bouncing off the cold stone and making it impossible to tell how far away the thing was.

"Alucard, this isn't funny!" I shouted at the door. No answer from within.

I backed up, coming to a dead end in seconds. I listened closely…I couldn't hear anything. Did it go away…?

A cold, furry, snarling thing slammed against me, sending me crashing to the floor. Its huge paws pinned me to the cool stone, and it was too dark to see the monster clearly.

Then it tilted its head down; I saw eight red eyes staring at me. I glared back at them, and the dog grinned.

"Get off me you ass!" I yelled, shoving the monstrous dog. Surprisingly, it fell off me. The thing melted into black shadows and re-formed into the annoying vampire I now knew it to be.

Alucard laughed. "When will you stop falling for that?" He asked, sitting on the floor.

I wish so badly I had something to throw at him…

I got up with an angry scoff and stormed off. I heard him chuckling behind me, but I forced myself not to look back. I reached my room, and slammed the door behind me.

It was fine if he scared me slightly by just sniffing at my neck. I can't deny that I like it in some twisted way. But when he does shit like this…Goddamn it pisses me off!

I looked to my fish for consolation. "Mister Fishy why does Alucard have to be such an-" I froze; Mister Fishy was at the top of the bowl, belly-up. "Mi-Mister Fishy…?"

No…not my little fish! He's the only one I can tell everything to! He's a neutral party who knows everything about me! I had to hide personal details from everyone here and I had to hide here from my other friends. But Mister Fishy knew everything…I could trust him not to attack me or talk about secret organizations.

I stared at the fishbowl. One could say I was overreacting. But chances are that one didn't have as much to hide as I did.

"Are you really that upset about me scaring you? Come now, I wasn't really going to hurt you…" Alucard's voice echoed from behind me as he phased through the wall. "Pura?" he asked when I didn't turn around.

He moved closer and put one hand on my shoulder. "What's-...? Oh. Don't be sad, these things don't have the longest life spans you know. I was surprised it lived so long to begin with."

I picked up the bowl, ignoring him and walking out of my room.

"You going to flush it?" He asked, following me.

"I'm going to bury him."

"It's a fish…"

"He's my fish."

Alucard chuckled. "Humans; such odd creatures."

An idea suddenly hit me. I turned around and set the bowl back in my room, and dashed off to get a small clear plastic baggie. Alucard followed me the whole way. I scooped poor little Mister Fishy out of the bowl and put him in the bag.

"What are you up to now?"

I hesitated "Can you take me to a huge lake somewhere?"

Alucard threw his head back and laughed. "A miniature burial at sea for him? Why not?"

Was he going to help me or not? "Stay." He commanded and disappeared.

I'm not a friggin' dog.

I set the bag on the dresser next to the depressingly empty fish bowl, sat on my bed, and waited. I waited for him for half an hour. Screw this I'll just go find a damn lake on my own. He would probably just make fun of me the entire time anyway.

Arms wrapped around me and pulled me backwards.

"Come on." He whispered into my ear. He picked me up and I grabbed Mister Fishy's temporary coffin as he strolled out and threw me onto his back.

"Where are we going?"

"Well that would be a surprise." He purred, leaping through the floors.

I closed my eyes, nuzzling against him as he ran, thankful for what he was doing for me. Jackass or not, he was being nice.

Wait…'nice'…? Was this just a ploy to make me let him drink my blood? Probably…

He stopped after a while and let me down. I walked aside of him and gasped.

A lake, fringed by thick forest, stretched out father than I could see. A small, forgotten dock poked out into the lake in front of us. Moonlight shimmered on the lightly waving water, illuminating ducks and swans sleeping peacefully on the shore. An occasional bat dipped down gracefully and nipped at the water spiders dancing patternlessly on the surface.
I walked out onto the dock, as Alucard stayed where he was, watching me. I kneeled at the edge, looking over into the black water. I slipped Mister Fishy out of the bag and held him.

"Bye, Mister Fishy…" I whispered quietly. I didn't care if Alucard heard or not. After two years of constant unwavering companionship held by only one creature, one tends to get attached to things.

I stood and gently tossed him underhand into the lake. I heard a muted 'plunk' and nothing more.

I put the bag in my pocket; littering in this virtually untouched place is just wrong.

Alucard hadn't moved the entire time. I walked back to him and he put his hand out to me. He pulled me onto his back and I leaned my head on his shoulder as cold shadows bound me to him.

"Thank you…" I said. He looked back and chuckled almost inaudibly.

"It was no problem." He put the back of his cold hand on the side of my neck, and I shivered. "You're so strange…it's fascinating. You put so much importance in a tiny creature; you speak to it, and are genuinely sad when it dies, even though you were well aware its lifespan was short..." He looked away and took off.

Three days later, I was lying in the grass, just in the shade of a large tree. The yard was unusually quiet today; normally at this time the soldiers were practicing and causing a hideous racket.

But today…it was nice. I closed my eyes, relaxing. My internal clock had gotten all screwed up lately, and I was probably going to go to bed in about two hours.

Something heavy was soon rested without warning on my stomach. I yelped and sat up, the thing falling into my lap.

A colossal black dog lay sprawled next to me on the lawn, its head now resting in my lap. His eight red eyes looked up with the sad longing that only a dog can master. This was obviously Alucard, but something was different about the hellhound…it looked less like a horrible monster…it was…cute. It was bigger than a mastiff, but it was cute.

I laid back down. "Hey Alucard." I mumbled as the dog moved to lean against me and sniff at my neck. "Whatcha up to?" I looked at him. The dog opened his mouth to pant, giving a dog-grin made of far more teeth than any other canine. He blinked all of those eight eyes in unison, and stared at me. "What?"

He rolled over onto his back, bringing his front paws up and kicking his back legs playfully.

Was Alucard seriously asking me for a belly rub…? I sat up, unbelieving.

I'll play along, if only because the whole 'dog' thing was so convincing…but if I lose a finger I am never speaking to him again. NEVER!

I scratched the dog's chest and its tail thumped on the ground. I drew back, laughing. "Seriously, what are you getting at?"

The dog rolled back over and tilted its head at me. Alucard's voice echoed from nowhere. "I thought you wanted a new pet?"

"Anything to get at my blood, huh?"

The huge pitch-black creature gave a dog-grin. "You catch on quick. And absurd as it must sound to you, that does feel good."

"Just cause you're not trying to eat me this one time doesn't mean I'll let you gnaw on my throat, you know."

"If it was easy to get you to agree, it wouldn't be nearly as fun."

The dog rested his head on my lap again, and I scratched behind his ears. His fur was insanely soft, and oddly cold. The dog's eyes closed, a low, content growl rumbling in his throat. I smiled; I always wanted a dog…but they were just too difficult for me to take care of. I often had to move because of my wings, and owning a dog would have gotten expensive with vet bills and food. I could avoid the latter with a smaller dog, but I always liked huge dogs. Ones that looked like they would eat you, but were really the sweetest creatures you could find.

The dog's long bushy tail thumped once more on the ground, and I forgot who I was dealing with, and that led me to bad places.

"Who's a good boy? You are, yes you are! Oh, you're such a fuzzy little good boy! Who's my little Alucar-OH MY GOD!" I shrieked, jumping back at the end, his name making me remember what this dog really was.

Oh God…I just baby-talked to the most powerful and attractive vampire I would ever come across…if I didn't die of embarrassment, he'd eat me.

The dog melted into blackness and materialized back into Alucard, who was lying on the grass and laughing hysterically, which sounded scary.

I looked away, wishing I was dead.

"I honestly can't think of any other creature that can tear out a vampire's heart, and a few days later, do that." He said from behind me, still laughing.

I got up and walked quickly to my room, staying there, curled up on my bed in a state of utter mortification until Alucard's arms wrapped suddenly around me.

"Don't feel so bad…I rather like those little surfacings of innocence that you exhibit..." He chuckled "As long as you can still be vicious, there's really no problem with it."

"For you, maybe…" I muttered.

"I don't think any less of you, little one." he insisted. That was probably a lie. "I'm curious though; what kind of pet would you like?"

"Integra would never let me have anything larger than a single fish…"

"Humor me." He urged.

"Alright…" I said, giving in. "I dunno…a snake, maybe…but I can't imagine putting mice in the cage…ferrets are cute…chinchillas are adorable…or an iguana… rabbits are good pets…or hamsters…I like cats, too."

"No cats." Alucard interrupted.

"Yeah I could kinda tell you weren't really a 'cat' person…"

He laughed. "A snake though? Really? I though little human girls hated snakes. As do most humans, actually."

"I like them…and I'm not a 'little girl'."

"Pura, I'm over thirty-five times older than you are. I've been a prince. I've traveled the world several times over and even ruled it for a while. You're a little girl."

I didn't say anything, trying to wrap my mind around what he had just said. He wasn't lying; he rarely did so.

He laughed quietly at my amazement. "It seems every day I find something new that makes you fall utterly silent." His hand, previously resting on my neck, moved down to lie over my heart. "Well…almost silent…" He murmured his words nearly inaudibly to me.

His hand moved back to my neck and his thumb traced along the artery. It tickled.

His thumb pressed against my jaw, forcing my head up. He leaned over me, the cold breath on my neck making me shiver. It also made me worry…

"I won't bite you…" He assured in a whisper.

I felt his nose lightly graze along (what I guess was) my jugular.

"Mmm…" Came his deep hum as he moved across my shoulder, still following the vein.

He followed the blood vessel down my arm. His cool fingers curled around my lower arm, bringing it up to his face. He lightly licked my wrist, making me gasp and jump slightly.

He chuckled and released my arm. "Scared, little one?" He asked, wrapping one arm around my middle and drawing me closer.

"No."

"Liar." He accused, not at all harshly. He was right.

I turned over in his loose hold to nuzzle into the front of his coat. As if on cue the lights went out in my room.

Alucard began humming, his chest reverberating with the deep sound. I knew my consciousness was slipping away, but I didn't care. I could never be absolutely certain that, if I fell asleep near him, I would wake up again. I soon forgot that, as his hold tightened to press me comfortably to his chest and he rested his chin on my head. Sometimes I hated my inability to resist him, but right now it felt…perfect.

I fell asleep in a monster's hold, just as he was flipping the blankets over me.

A/N: A mastiff is a huge friggin dog. My parent's friends have one, named 'Mongie'. His shoulder comes up to my elbow, but he is such a baby…I wish I had one…

Look, I have no idea as to the exact age of Alucard, but I'm guessing it's in the late-500s. He looks pretty good for his age…and by 'pretty good' I mean 'sex incarnate'.

Saturday movie report.

So, you're telling me that 'Anaconda' one and two were both such excellent movies that the need to make a third one arose?

Well this thing better eat people…not like that last dumbass snake movie…

I notice most sucky horror movies start out the same way; guys walking through the woods. Usually, they die. Oh a'yup. Half his face just got 'et. That guy's arm is bitten off…

Ooohh a secret lab? Oh Rly?

He just mispronounced 'PETA' and 'status'. What a dick.

So…are they telling us snakes live forever…? What the eff?

The 60-foot snake is getting out. But he says don't sedate it. So hell, let it go.

IT JUST IMPALED HIM! BAMF SNAKE!

That's not how snakes eat. They don't have fangs for slicing, they have fangs for holding. Dumbassery. The snake cut the power. And took out all the security guards. Did they even research snakes to make this movie…? That might be a good thing to do, considering the movie's called 'Anaconda'…

Alright that's a little better; it's constricting him. But that doesn't change the fact that- oh it only bit off his head. Is the snake a picky eater?

POACHERS! KILL THEM ALL! (To be yelled OVA 3 style)

Ew he's got a sleazy porn-star moustache. That's just what it's called. Or pedophile moustache, but there's a better moustache for that.

We need a flashback for what we saw five minutes ago? What is this, 'Silent Night, Deadly Night 2'?

Fakest. Driving background. Ever.

Uh-oh, there's a black guy. I will bet you anything he will become a victim of horror movie racism.

NOES! NOT TEH GOAT! DON'T EAT TEH GOAT!

Nooooo…teh goooooat…

Yeah, put the gun down. That will help you. Dumbass.

YAY! TEH GOAT! Awww…goats are adorable; I don't care what you're smoking. The guy got eaten, but I don't care about him.

NOOOOOO TEH GOAT!

That's some shitty CGI.

My God this movie is unwatchable…I'm in pain, you guys.

Inept guy. His greatest weapon is his own ineptitude. And his name is 'Pinkus'. Loser.

His words do not match his mouth. At all. It's like one of those old kung-fu movies when their mouth keeps moving about thirty seconds after the words stop.

How did they flip the truck…?

They needed CGI mud?! IT IS DIRT AND WATER, NO COMPUTERS NEEDED!

More flashbacks from five minutes ago…not even, like two minutes ago. I'm not kidding.

Oh no…is the lightening storm gonna knock out the power so I can't watch this amazing movie? I actually kind of hope so.

Alright I've seen everything from here. Sleazy dickwad poacher dies. Kinda pirate-lookin' guy dies. Snake dies. Black guy dies and kills snake. Chick lives.

That's it. I'm turning off this shitty movie.

The end.

Now where IN THE EFF is my beta?!

WHERE ARE YOU SKANK-WAD?! INTERROBANG!

B/N: I HATH ARRIVEDDDDDDDDDDDD!

Jen, I had to watch fucking Gidget. GIDGET! WORST MOVIE EVER!

Not only did I have to watch Gidget, I had to watch its sequals: Gidget goes Hawaiian and Gidget goes to Rome.

IMDB that shit. None of your Saturday movie reports are as atrocious.

A/N2: What kind of name for a movie 'Gidget'?