Chapter 38:

Walking through the opulent doors of his best friend's home the next day, he smiled at his friend's approaching form.

"Mr. President" he told him with a smirk as he hugged him and clapped him on the back.

"That's Fitz to you, you wise ass" he told him good-naturedly as he pulled back and held him at arm's length giving him a once over. "You look good; marriage seems to be agreeing with you."

"Yeah well, you know what they say" he started as he ushered him into his home and towards the living room; "happy wife and great sex equal a happy life."

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure you added the great sex part in there but then again, it's not like you ever really suffered in that department" he commented easily as he took a seat on one of the couches in the expansive room.

Pouring himself a drink he turned to offer Fitz one, "You still a Scotch man?" he asked holding the bottle up for him to see.

"Indeed I am"

Walking over, he handed him the drink and took a seat across from him, "not that I'm not happy to see you but you're a busy man who just so happens to run the most powerful country in the world" he stopped for a moment as he studied him, "What brings you to my doorstep?"

Downing his drink, Fitz put down his glass and looked at his friend. Aside from Olivia, Eric was probably the only other person in his life that knew him as well. They'd been best friends since their time in the Navy and although they didn't see each other quite as often as they would've liked, Eric was still the godfather of his first two children and the one person in his life who never shied away from telling him the God's honest truth – the fact that he was his president be damned. After what had transpired with Olivia over the course of the past few days and needing to get a different perspective on the situation - and keep this off of Cyrus' desk - Eric had been his first phone call.

Seeing the look on his face that he knew Fitz only got when his mind was preoccupied with far too many thoughts to properly articulate what he needed, he stood up and walked over to one of the cabinets in the living room. Pulling out a beautifully crafted wooden box, he walked back over to him and placed it on the table in front of them.

"What's this?" he asked as he watched Eric open the lid and begin to set up the contents.

"We" he started as he placed the game pieces in their respective spaces, "are playing chess. You have that look on your face that only means one thing and if I'm going to get you to talk to me and really tell me what's going on so you walk out of here being the Fitz I know you are, you need to think about something else while we talk so we" he turned the board so the white pieces were facing in the opposite direction, "are playing chess."

Giving him a half-smile as he looked down at the board, he thought back to the countless mysteries of love and life they'd managed to collectively solve over the years as they played a competitive game of chess. Starting the game with the French Defense opening, Fitz began relaying to his best friend what he was having a hard time articulating to his wife.

"Olivia" she started as she gently closed the door behind her, "I was wondering when you were going to come see me" she finished easily as she took a seat across from her and crossed her legs. She had been waiting for this meeting for months knowing that it was only a matter of time before Olivia cracked under the pressure.

"Yes well, I was doing fine until-" she told her trailing off and getting a distant look in her eyes.

"Until what?"

Releasing a sigh as she twirled her wedding ring around her finger and finally looked back up at her, "Until I wasn't"

"So what's punk ass Ridge done now?" he asked not looking up as he moved his rook.

"Oh you know, just having my wife followed by someone in the Russian mafia and getting them to send me pictures of Olivia and her former lover to the White House" he told him casually as he ignored Eric's shocked expression.

"Oh yeah" Fitz continued with a smirk as he moved his pawn on the board, "just some of the utter bullshit I've been dealing with lately. What about you? You got anything that tops that?"

As if dealing with international, let alone domestic issues weren't enough, now he was learning that his Commander in Chief was also dealing with marital issues. He sure did not envy the man in front of him.

"Does a neurotic mother-in-law count?"

"Not even close"

Shaking his head he stood to pour them each another drink, "Yeah, didn't think so." Coming back over with another drink for Fitz, a double Scotch this time because he figured he'd earned it, he sat down to get the details. "Since when the hell does Ridge get in bed with the Russian mafia?"

"Since he became a two-bit punk of a loser who can't keep his house in order so he corrupts everyone and everything around him." Letting out a sigh he studied the board in front of him realizing for the hundredth time how much easier it was to have these conversations when he was focusing on something else. "Don't worry" he continued, "I took care of his ass yesterday so he knows if he comes anywhere near Liv or my kids, well-" he trailed off, "I'll just leave it at that."

"Fitz" he started clearing his throat, "you're not getting yourself involved with the Russian mafia are you? Because you know, as Commander in Chief and all that's sort of frowned upon – or so I've heard"

"Why do you think I stopped talking?" he asked with a smile, "I had to give you plausible deniability"

30 minutes into the session and things were beginning to get real. "Is Julian back in your life?"

"He just-" she started but quickly stammered, "He wasn't trying to-"

"Olivia" she told her putting a hand up to stop her. "This is me you're talking to so if there's anyone at all that you're going to need to be one hundred percent honest with it's me because like I've been telling you for years, this doesn't work unless you tell me the truth." Stopping for a moment, she looked at her intently and asked again, "is Julian back in your life?"

Letting out a breath she shook her head in response.

"Do you want him to be?"

Damn it. For all the years that she'd been her therapist, these were the types of questions that she always dreaded. The ones where she fought with herself over what she wanted to say versus what she thought she should say. The latter never got her anywhere and it always – without fail - landed her right back on her couch when things blew up in her face.

"I don't know how to answer that" Olivia finally told her.

Shaking her head at her she pushed for the answer she knew Olivia was holding back, "yes you do otherwise you wouldn't feel this conflicted about it. Do you want Julian back in your life Olivia?"

Thinking about her little girl and picturing Fitz's face in those moments when she was so incredibly happy and he seemed to be as carefree as a child, she shook her head, "no, I don't but I can't help but feel that things would somehow be easier if he was."

"Why" her therapist stated rather than asked knowing, after so many years of working with her, that Olivia came to conclusions on her own time but they usually took her a while.

"Because I wouldn't feel this overwhelming pressure to perform and be the Olivia Pope that everyone expects me to be"

"No" she told her firmly, "blanket statements won't cut it here Olivia. Who expects you to be that way? Name them"

"I don't know!" she told her letting out a frustrated sigh, "my husband, my OPA associates, my White House staff, America"

"Have any of these people told you as such?"

"No"

"Then where the hell are you internalizing that pressure from?"

Standing up she began to pace the room as she kept talking, "from me I guess and what I expect from myself" she started as she got a faraway look in her eyes, "I have too much pressure and too many people counting on me to let anyone down so I have to keep up this façade and make sure that my exterior doesn't crack" she finally admitted.

Nodding in her direction, she was beginning to hear Olivia making some progress, "and at what expense?"

"What do you mean?"

"Meaning" she started as she stood up with her, "look at what that self-imposed pressure has done to you. You're unsure about where you stand with anything in your life right now, you're unsure if you want a former lover back in your life if for no other reason than it would just feel easier and if I'm being completely honest with you, I haven't seen you this conflicted and torn since before you first started coming to see me back when you first moved to D.C." Walking over to her, she placed her hands on her arms in a comforting gesture, "Olivia, tell me why you're really here."

Blinking back tears as she tried to keep her bottom lip from quivering, she looked away for a moment thinking about her answer, "I-I just needed to talk"

"Olivia"

Pausing for a moment she finally said out loud what she'd been so afraid to admit to herself over the past few weeks, "I'm losing my husband and I'm on the brink of destroying my marriage."

Having shared with Eric the details of what had been going on with Olivia, Julian and the past few months where she'd been distant, his friend suddenly began to understand the Commander in Chief's impromptu visit. No matter what title he held or how much power he possessed at the heart of it all, he was still a man, deeply in love with his wife who was trying to figure out how to overcome this hurdle. Being president didn't suddenly make him immune to marital problems and this realization was oddly comforting to Eric who had, up until this point, thought that Fitz led a seemingly perfect life. He had a beautiful wife, gorgeous kids, approval ratings through the roof and was mere months away from stepping down from the highest office in the land. To know that there was now a slight crack in that façade made him somehow more relatable and for the umpteenth time Eric understood why Fitz was so endeared to the American public.

Releasing a breath as he studied the board he looked up when he heard Eric addressing him, "you and Liv are madly in love with each other Fitz. This much was true when you were married to Mel so why is it, that all of a sudden this random ex-boyfriend shows up and you become unhinged?"

"Are you kidding?" he started with an unbelieving scoff, "it's not enough that she was being distant and evasive for months before I found out any of this had happened?

"Has she cheated on you?"

Looking down for a beat he suddenly realized that in his heart of hearts he knew she had not but the mere uncertainty that it could have happened rocked him to his core, "no, she hasn't"

"So then why give Julian Varela so much power?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, yes, he was Olivia's former boyfriend but for Pete's sake, you're acting like she's on the brink of divorcing you and this guy's to blame for that." Capturing Fitz's rook on the chess board he continued, "Whatever issues you and Olivia are now having believe me, they are far deeper and go back much further than this Julian character. That's what you need to get to the bottom of Fitz, the real issues that are plaguing your marriage instead of placing blame on the first external factor that comes your way because it has a name and a face you can direct your anger and resentment to."

Shaking his head at him he could only give him a half smile, "since when the hell did you become a therapist? Have you been doing some work on the side and not told me?"

"No but believe me, after having dated the amount of women that I did and now being married to a woman whom I'd move heaven and earth for, you quickly begin to realize that in order to make this complicated dance of marriage work? There's some personal heavy lifting you need to do."

Moving his bishop on the board, he looked up at Eric with a resigned expression, "That's just the thing, though. Since she and I have been together I feel like I've done the majority of the lifting and have made excuse after excuse for her when she's failed to meet me halfway and do the same."

"And why is that?"

"Why's what?"

"Why do you keep making excuses for her?"

Taking a moment to ponder the question, he mentally chided himself for being upset with Olivia over the same thing that he now realized, thanks to Eric's probing; he'd been subconsciously doing himself, "because I feel guilty."

"What for?" he pressed

"Guilty that this relationship, us being together and married came at such a high price for her. Guilty that she still, somehow feels inadequate in this marriage and I feel partly to blame for that although I don't have the slightest clue what to do about it. Guilty that – shit" he paused for a moment as he sat back on the couch frustrated, "I just – I can't help but feel that her life would've been so much easier if I hadn't ever been in it. I wasn't expecting to fall in love with her and have it turn out the way everything did, hell, I'd all but resigned myself to the fact that I was destined to live out a dull and loveless marriage with Mel and that'd be the end of it. But then here she comes" he continued wistfully as he got a faraway look in his eyes, "and she turned my world completely upside down and made everything better."

"And you feel guilty because she makes you happy?" he asked trying to understand.

"No, guilty because-" he paused for a moment gathering his thoughts, "because my happiness seemingly comes at the expense of her feeling unlike herself with me and in this marriage and I can't seem to figure out what she needs to get past that."

"Do you love him Olivia?"

"Who?" she asked confused as she wiped away a tear and looked at her.

"Fitz, do you love him" she repeated.

She paused looking at her strangely wondering for a moment, if she somehow wasn't channeling Fitz and asking the questions that she knew he wanted the answers to but was too afraid to ask. After a few moments she finally responded, "He's the love of my life and father of my little girl, of course I love him."

"Then why are you sabotaging your marriage?"

"I'm not-" she began protesting before Lynn cut her off.

"Yes, you are Olivia" she told her firmly. "You don't come to my office and tell me that you're about to lose your husband and destroy your marriage if you weren't doing something to make that be the case." Crossing her legs she looked directly at her, "I know you Olivia remember? Why are you sabotaging your marriage?"

Looking up at the ceiling for a moment, she finally looked back at her with a response she knew was going to bring a barrage of questions, "Because I'm giving him the out before he breaks my heart and bails."

"Bails? From what?"

"From me, from this marriage, from this thing that we've tried to turn into a fairytale but it's anything but"

"Olivia, forgive my bluntness but do you have any idea how incredibly convoluted that all sounds? You're trying to give your husband, the man that tried on more than one occasion to give up the White House just so he could be with you, the man that has let you in to places no other person in your life ever has, the one that tells everyone and anyone that will listen how you're the love of his life, an out?"

"Yes!"

"Why?" came the question in a no nonsense tone that Olivia wasn't quite expecting.

"Because I don't want to wake up one day and realize that I've been right all along and that this life isn't meant for me." Letting her tears fall freely she continued, "That he'll wake up one day and realize that I don't belong on the impossible pedestal he's put me on and I'll be a complete failure." Standing up she ran her hand through her hair and paced, "I wasn't supposed to become the wife Lynn, I wasn't supposed to be the First Lady or be the one having his child. I was his campaign manager turned mistress and-"

"And you became the love of his life Olivia – plain and simple." Stretching out her arms to her sides she let them down with a slap on her legs as she began to feel herself becoming frustrated with Olivia. Though it wasn't in her nature to get this emotionally invested in her clients, she had known Olivia for long enough now that she truly wanted her to face her demons and getting her to do such a task was a feat in and of itself.

"You make it sound so simple"

"It is that simple but you're hell bent on making it complicated so tell me, what is it about him and this marriage that suddenly has you searching for the nearest exit? What has changed over the course of the last few weeks or months? Was it Julian? What did he-"

"No! It wasn't Julian and I wish to God everyone would stop blaming him for everything. He didn't do or say anything to make me feel this way" she told her in a tone that came across louder and more frustrated than she'd intended.

"I don't buy that"

"Wha-" she stammered as she narrowed her eyes at her.

"I don't buy that and don't look at me in that tone of voice." Walking towards her she looked directly at her and gave her one of the more sobering analysis she'd ever given Olivia. "You and this feeling of inadequacy and guilt that you have is destroying your marriage Olivia and it's been slowing doing that for quite some time – Julian's reemergence just exacerbated the problem. Here's the thing you need to understand about men and marriage. There's only so much crap that you can throw out there before some of it starts to stick and it starts causing some damage. You say you love Fitzgerald but I tell you what, from what I'm hearing I'm surprised he hasn't come in here with you trying to figure out how in the hell he gets you past this."

"Believe me, it's not for lack of trying" she muttered

"Why do you feel so inadequate Olivia? You're a true force to be reckoned with and you're far more powerful than you've ever given yourself credit for so what is it? It can't be because you feel like you're in his shadow or that you're not a formidable woman in your own right who's able to stand tall on your own merits so what the hell is it?"

Looking her dead in the eyes she said out loud that which had taken her years to feel comfortable knowing, "I feel inadequate because after so many years with him I still feel illegitimate."

And there it was.

Watching the pieces move around the board and listening to Fitz recount the current state of affairs with his wife, he couldn't help but think of how reminiscent their current chess game was to the dilemma Fitz was dealing with.

"Fitz" he started with furrowed eyebrows as he looked at him intently, "How many times has Olivia had your back during moments when she could've easily sent you to hell and never looked back?"

"More times than I can count" he responded without a moment's hesitation.

"Then you need to have her back now, more than ever"

"What're you saying? Of course I have her-"

"When you get frustrated with her about how she's feeling and the demons she's fighting that's not having her back Fitz. How many times did she build you up when you were going up against your asshole of a father – may he rest in peace" he said looking up to the heavens so as not to show any more disrespect for the dead than he already had. "How many times was she there reminding you and showing you the type of man we all knew you could be and the type of president this country needed and deserved? How many times has she stood by you when quite frankly, any other woman would've cut and bailed years ago but she still hung on?"

"She did bail on me, on more than one occasion dammit!" he told him defensively.

"Yes, but only because she always had far moreto lose being in this relationship than you ever did Fitz, c'mon." Looking down at the board, he noticed that Fitz was two moves away from getting into checkmate. Pointing to the queen on the board he gave him an analogy that he knew would hit home. "Fitz, Olivia has always protected you even when it came at her expense. Do I blame her for being guarded and cautious? Hell no, because as a third party observer I can understand where she's coming from. Here you are, arguably the most powerful man on the planet and you expect her to suddenly go from the woman you started having an affair with while you were married to your first wife to someone who then became your second wife in a very public way and have her not have some scars from that?"

Running his hands down his face he looked at Eric with a hopeless expression, "so then what? What am I supposed to do? I can't change the story of how we came to be no matter how much I'd like to. I can't change or take back all of the times we hurt each other either intentionally or unintentionally and I certainly can't take back the hellish years that we were apart from each other due to the circumstance we found ourselves in so what else is there?"

"There's you – being there for her, no questions asked and giving her the space to process this in her own time and in her own way. You can't love her out of it you can only love her through it so until she's ready to open up to you and let you in, you have to keep chipping away at those walls until you leave no doubt in her mind whatsoever that you're not going anywhere. Aside from that –" he paused as he moved his pieces to their final position, "you protect your queen at all costs and you don't let anyone or anything come between you because you didn't fight this hard or make it this far to let some inconsequential ex-lover make you throw it all away."

Checkmate.

TBD

Up next: Olivia and Fitz have a long overdue heart to heart conversation...