Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters or anything Harry Potter related, they are all the property of JK Rowling and her publishers. I don't mean any disrespect against her or the original story, I write for fun, no money is being made and no infringement of Copyrighted Work.

A/N: I am sorry that it's been about a week since I last published a chapter, been busy all week and super tired for some reason. I also would like to apologise for all the angst in my chapters recently, one of the reasons is because I have kind of written myself in to a corner and need to write myself a path out... and the main reason for all the emotional emotion-mess that's going on is simply reflecting me at the moment, I normally dont plan ahead, but simply write from the heart and I find it really hard to write super sexy, funny, things when I am feeling low, but I promise you all that things will change :) thanks a lot to all of you that are still holding on and letting me know what you think of each chapter!

Now, please enjoy! :)

Chapter 35

My face shone pale in the light from the moon, Draco was snoring loudly in the bed behind me, resembling the sound of an old boiling kettle, however, sleep had no mercy on me. Despite my frazzled mind and nerves I knew that there was really no point in me cursing sleep for abandoning me, even on a night like this, if it was going to come it'd come and get me, if it ain't then it ain't... that's how it has always been and nothing was going to change that now. I would either crash quickly or not all all. That's how was between me and sleep and seeing as I was still awake I understood that it wasn't coming to whisk me away, alas, as I had hoped it would. That's the simple nature of these relationships, sleep gives, sleep takes - we're cool about it, bros. The last thought made me smile ever so slightly, it was a pained and troubled smile, although genuine. I am such a big bullshitter.

I tilted my head backwards to get a clearer view of my neck, there was no blue or red lines, no finger marks, no puncture wounds from the grim reapers bony fingertips. Gently I ran my hand over the bare skin, it didn't hurt by my own touch, there was nothing there to prove that I had been strangled merely hours earlier. I couldn't believe it hadn't been real, I knew what I had seen but all the evidence proved me wrong, they proved that I had not been the victim of death but the cause of it all, they proved that I had gone crazy, that I was capable of killing myself off to escape the pain that was bundled up inside of me. I had felt numb before, that's why I cut myself the first time, to feel alive once more, but had it really been that out of control? Had I really tuned out so much that I couldn't remember what had really happened? Had my brain found the entire thing so traumatising that it had replaced reality with something that was easier to swallow?

"What are you doing up?" I hadn't noticed that Draco's snoring had ceased so his voice had me startled.

"Couldn't sleep, sorry I didn't mean to wake you..." I mumbled, still with my back towards Draco, but our eyes met in the small mirror in front of me.

"What's bothering you babe?" his voice was despite the fear playing on his face, controlled.

"I think a piece of my soul has been torn out and ripped apart tonight" I suddenly blurted out.

"What?" Draco sat up in bed.

"I don't know, it all just feels like a never ending internal battle, filled with pain and I will never win..." I sighed.

"Come here..." Draco patted a spot on the bed right next to himself and in slow motion I dragged my feet over to him. "It's just one of those things," he said and wrapped his arms around me. "One of those things that people born with too many feelings have to go through... I tell you though, I'd rather have gone through it, than be like one of those people that goes through their lives in zombie mode, like Crabbe or Goyle... A lot of people don't seem to have the depth of feeling that it takes to go to a place like the ones we have been, I used to envy them... but I feel bad for them now when I know better... they miss out on the extreme highs of happiness that we reach together, Harry, even if they're much less frequent than the lows... we have something rare that so many out there never get the chance to experience." Draco nuzzled my hair like he always did when he was showing me love or affection. What he had said made sense but that didn't stop the continues fear of going numb, none of the sane people he spoke about would ever have to worry about the sheer panic of being unable to feel.

"I understand what you mean Draco, but I am still torn about the hole emotional thing, what about the numbness... I mean yes, of course it's awful to see people completely emotionless and carefree, it's inhuman... but I I long to have what they have, or don't have... they don't feel the blame and guilt that I do every single day, they dont have to feel guilty for wanting to die, feeling guilty for being selfish, because they don't have things this deep troubling them..." I didn't know if what I had just said made any sense or had any connection to what Draco had said before me, I didn't care if it was completely off topic, all I wanted was to get it off my chest, right here, right now.

"Numbness is an awful way to live your life, I know what you mean babe, when you are in pain, when your emotions are cutting you up, little by little from the inside, you want to be pain free but as soon as the numbness struck you, you beg to higher powers to be able to feel something again. It wouldn't matter what you felt as long as you were able to feel, you'd even cry, pleading for the guilt and doubt to return, because sometimes it's still wonderful to feel, even sadness..." Draco paused and kissed my neck before he spoke again. "To feel alive I suppose... It's simply too much sometimes, or often. That's when things tend to get dark." we said nothing the following ten minutes, only sat there, taking in everything that'd just been spoken off, the magnitude of it all. I was the first one to break the silence.

"Numb verses pain..." I whispered.

"If you ask me... numbness seems preferable to the pain that you can feel and indeed so does death... the ultimate fantasy of a troubled soul.. that's why, I think, we spend so much time dwelling on it, it's not really something we want, but a miracle cure... or at least it seems that way and that's why we get obsessed with it..." the tone in his voice shifted as Draco mentioned dying, the terminal solution.

"I guess that's why so many people which cut, I can't deny I haven't thought it too, is aiming for that final place, the final peace... although... even when everything around you is painful, you don't want to leave it behind, you dont want to leave what and whom you love, you want to get as close as you can, stretch the limits, try your boundaries... you want to eat the cake and keep the cake..." the cake reference I had just made left Draco giggling softly, still holding me in his brace. "Did that make any sense?" I asked, suddenly feeling shy.

"God yes!" he blurted. "Chilling sense, actually! I never really thought about it that way, but you're so right! Pushing the limits to see how far you'll go...without wanting to go all the way... but wanting to know that you could or might...yes, eating the cake and keeping the cake is exactly it!" Draco's voice was not what I had expected, it sounded... happy? Thrilled by his reaction I continued eagerly.

"Exactly! Wanting to leap but scared of never returning, wanting to be in control over what's uncontrollable... I love cake!" I chuckled.

"As long as you don't eat it all!" he laughed. "People that cut is the most greedy kind if people, dont you think?" he said and fell serious once again.

"Well, on a tangent I think that's sort of how early muggle religion shenanigans began... Not with people cutting themselves but being scared for their lives, wanting to have control over the uncontrollable, you know, all that dancing for rain, praying before a hunt, sacrificing animals to have a good harvest, people being scared, needing to feel in control, as if they could actually make a difference..."

"When did you become the wise one?" he said with as smirk and poked me in the side.

"The human being is one greedy thing, has always been, love the idea of power, so it makes

complete sense to me..." I said defensively.

"Yeah that's true, some people love power more than others but what I think you mean is the feeling of having no control over your fate, and needing to feel that there is something you can do to help yourself, believing that you can make it rain if you turn around three times and say something magical, because if you didn't you'd be at the terrifying mercy of chance.. and that's a really scary thought..." Draco shot me a superior look.

"Yeah, yeah, Mr know-it-all! Correcting me on my own theories!" I blew a raspberry in his direction. "So what if I believe that everything happens for a reason?" I said challenging.

"Believing that everything happens for a reason is a passive view, whereas ritual has a purpose, a way of trying to make something happen, rather than accepting that what ever happened has happened for a reason... Although I do believe they're interlinked somehow, like they are part of the same jigsaw... what I mean is... lets say... the crops failed this year to teach you the value of storage and even though you danced your ass off there was no rain, but it happened simply to teach you a lesson..." my boyfriend stopped.

"You're an absolute nut!" I turned around and forced him on to his back with me on top. "Thanks for listening though... and thanks for cheering me up with your wild theories." I leaned in towards him and pressed my lips against his soft ones, which were surprisingly warm... must be all the talking. I though to myself. "Now it's my turn to do the... talking." I grinned at him and kissed him deeply.

With a great amount of caution I kissed, nibbled and licked my way down Draco's cheek and then his jaw, I couldn't help myself but had to suck down on his collar bone as I passed it and his nipple, oh god, my boyfriends nipples were hard as pebbles and when my tongue swiftly fluttered over the left one a deep groan erupted from within him and he urged his crotch upwards. Quickly I left his chest behind, concurred his stomach area, smothered it with kisses, in the search for my main target. It didn't take me long to reach the lining of Draco's pyjamas trousers, I could feel his erection throb through the thin cotton fabric and with a quick yank by each hip, his cock stood statue in front of me. I glanced from his gorgeous knob up towards his face, his eyes were tightly shut but his mouth was left slightly ajar, just wide enough to let out one sexy moan after the other, as the lust got to his head.

TBC,

Feel free to leave a review :)