Chapter 38

When Kelly Chambers had gotten up that morning, she had had a feeling that it wasn't going to be her day. And sure enough, with an accuracy that she would have liked to brag about to all clairvoyants in the vicinity, her predictions had been correct. Dr Robert Murdoch had joined the Normandy ahead of schedule, the eager little troll, and Miranda Lawson had called her to her office, something she very rarely did.

So rarely in fact that Kelly had no idea what to say to her as she stood over her desk, staring down at the mop of silky black hair that cascaded down to the table as Miranda read the data file. She and the XO had an understanding. Miranda consulted her when she needed her and Kelly let her know when she thought that there were some major problems that needed addressing within the crew. She passed on gossip, wrote reports and generally stayed out of the woman's way because Miranda had a reputation that preceded her.

But you've changed as well, Kelly mused as she stared at the woman. I don't know if it is Shepard's influence or someone else's but you are not who you were.

She made sure to keep her features neutral when Miranda finally looked up, having scanned through the document in the time that it takes most people to read a headline. She was an amazing feat of human engineering.

"It says here that Kasumi Goto was one of the candidates that had originally been earmarked to join the Normandy," she said and put the datapad down so that she could look up at Kelly. She didn't invite her to sit, she rarely did, and it made Kelly wonder whether her father had made Miranda stand in front of him in such a manner. Did she think it was more intimidating?

Yes, in a way it is.

"It also says in a further note that you eventually decided against it. Why was that?"

Kelly had to think, because a lot of things had happened between now and when she was sitting with the Illusive Man, going over their potential crew members for the Normandy. Finding the memory, she told Miranda what she had told her boss.

"Katelyn's profile suggested that she might have an aversion to working with a criminal element," she pointed out. "I believed that, for the effort it would have cost to track Kasumi down, it wouldn't have been worth it if Shepard decided that she didn't want to work with her." She hesitated. "Or worse, arrest her. There is a Spectre looking for her. With the Council keeping such a close eye on us as they were, and still is probably," she added quickly, "I didn't think it worth the risk."

Miranda sat back and considered this for a moment, leaving Kelly to wonder why she had brought the thief up in the first place.

"And this is all we have on her?" She asked, motioning to the file. "What had made her attractive?"

Kelly tried to lighten the mood. "Well, I don't know what she looks like…" She began then realised that Miranda was probably not the kind of person to appreciate the humour. "I'm err… Yes. Her partner had been very good at infiltration; rumour had it that he had access to quite a lot of top secret data. He had dropped off of the radar, but we thought that with her help we could either find him or gain access to what he had." She shrugged. "She had also had access to a few of the 'missing' pieces of Sovereign. They've become quite valuable black market items." Her voice became a little dryer. "A piece of the supposedly sentient ship that nearly destroyed the Citadel could fetch a hefty price. We had hoped that she might have some information that we don't have."

Miranda nodded slowly. "Thank you, Yeoman," she said swiftly. "Tell me, have you seen to Dr Murdoch yet?"

Kelly made sure to give her a pleasant smile. "Not yet, Ma'am," she said. "His arrival was a bit unexpected. I will be seeing him when I leave here." She didn't like the way Miranda studied her. "Really, as soon as I can."

Making a considering sound in the back of her throat, Miranda stood up abruptly. "Make sure it is sooner rather than later," she said. "I wish to see him before I leave."

Kelly nodded slowly, having seen Miranda's overnight bag that was stashed behind her desk. She didn't dare ask her where she was going or with whom. She could guess. "Then with your leave, Ma'am," she said. "I'll go and see him right now." She turned around at the XO's curt nod and fled the room as quickly as she could. She only stopped when the door closed behind her and stood there, pouting for a bit simply because she had to get it out of her system.

Really, she thought as she slowly made her way to her bunk where she had set out the material she had to transfer to Dr Murdoch. It's like stringing up your own rope for hanging. Pretty soon, the only thing I'll be good for is feeding Katelyn's fish.

Which, granted was a task by itself, but still…

Feeling miserable and realising that she had to get her head straight, or at least functional, Kelly gathered up her courage and made her way out of the room again, glancing to the side to see if Dr Murdoch's door was open. It was, so she strolled over and cautiously slipped her head through. The psychologist had had a shower, one she had seen him slip off to before she received her summons to Miranda. At the moment, he was sitting by the two boxes he had been allowed to bring, spreading out their contents with the look of a man who was wondering what he had forgotten. She had met him when he came for his interview, a brief encounter in which she could not possibly have guessed why he had seen Miranda personally. Chakwas had been so comfortable around him that she didn't think twice of it. And she knew his name of course, he had written quite a few papers on trauma counselling, quite a few of which she had read recently as she tried to prepare herself for the monstrous task of keeping the crew functioning. Clearly, upper management must have realised that the task was simply beyond her.

He is handsome, she thought grudgingly and knocked on the wall, gaining his attention. Wonder how many of the female crew will have a crush by the end of the week?

And some of the male crew members for that matter…

He looked up at her, paused for a moment as he tried to place her features and then smiled brilliantly.

"Hi," he said happily and stood up, quickly crossing the distance between them, his hand extended. "Kelly, right?" Kelly looked at his hand for a moment, surprised at the archaic gesture. Earth born? His file said Elysium.

"Yes," she said with a quick smile and took his hand before he could withdraw it, lest he thought she didn't want to. "Dr Murdoch, it's good to see you again."

Liar liar, pants on fire.

She felt him studying her for only a second and remembered abruptly that other therapists were a bit harder to bullshit than her average crew member. Damn it…

"I trust you've been well?" He said pleasantly and motioned her into the room in that awkward kind of way that suggested he wasn't sure whether it was his right yet. "Not running around like a crazy person. Or at least not too much…" He looked embarrassed suddenly and stopped rambling. "I recall you looked a little harried last time, which is what I mean."

Kelly was surprised that he remembered her at all.

"We were preparing to leave," she pointed out. "It was… a busy time. How are you? How was your trip?" Let's make it all about you, Doctor. I'll be forced to tell you plenty of me later. She gave herself a mental slap. Shut up, Kelly. He's just here to do his job.

Your job.

"I haven't travelled anywhere in a very long time," Dr Murdoch confessed and looked to the bar as if he considered offering her a drink. "So it was an experience. All this is very new to me." He smiled and it was a warm smile. "But I'm good. A little nervous, but that's normal, right?"

Well, he's human at least.

"It is," she said, trying to put some warmth into her voice and hoping that she didn't fail. When she realised that he wasn't quite sure what they were going to do she motioned him to the couch. "And I will take you through the orientation one step at a time. If you have any questions afterwards, I am always available."

His relief was palpable and sincere. "You'd better be," he said. "We can't be partners in crime otherwise. I have to say, it's going to be good working with someone again. I've been solo for far too long." His hand slipped to his leg where it tapped a slight taboo. Chilled, shocked that she would remember it in such a moment, Kelly realised that Rinn had a habit of doing the same in the beginning.

"I'm hoping we'll get our rhythm soon."

Smiling too quickly, hoping that her features had portrayed nothing of her sudden surprise, Kelly held out her hand. "Well, luckily we have a whole ship of experts here," she said. "We work well as a team. Let's start with the basics shall we? May I have your omnitool?"

Partners in crime? Solo? You don't look like a man who has to do it solo at all, Dr Murdoch…

Kelly Chambers, stop it right now. Dirty little mind.

He had fidgeted with his wrist and produced his omnitool with a touch of embarrassment. She could tell why immediately.

"We're going to have to give you an upgrade," she said a bit apologetically. "Would you mind? The transfer is quite simple. This model won't be able to handle our security encryptions. At all."

The doctor nodded and motioned to her to go ahead. "Not at all," he said. "My stuff probably seems quite archaic. I've never needed it for much." He motioned to the mess that was behind him. "However, I have to confess that I think I'd have travelled lighter if I had."

Kelly smiled despite herself, comfortable with his attitude. This could be dangerous.

"I will set it up now," she said and proceeded to explain to him how they had thought to let him use his omnitool. It had been one of the tasks she had been given, to 'simulate' a true ship experience. They had chosen not to share EDI's presence with him, though she wondered how soon it would take him to figure it out. She also didn't understand why they had to keep it from him. Eventually they would trust him with knowledge of the husk hybrid, possibly Helena's foretelling. An AI was the least of their worries.

Or is it the corruption of ethics that you are choosing not to share with him? Kelly wondered as she watched him absorb everything she said, his blue eyes slightly wide, but his gaze attentive. And she could feel him studying her, feel that weighing sensation as he judge her on voice, her gestures, even her odd attempt at humour.

"I also run the schedules of most members of staff," she pointed out to him as she handed him back the omnitool. "So if there is anything important that you need to be reminded of, you'll see there's an option to select in your calendar. Have a look at the platform, I can sit with you later tonight if you have problem navigating the system. Has Dr Chakwas scheduled your physical? I see that's still outstanding."

He nodded a bit reluctantly. "I wasn't expecting that," he replied honestly. "How regular an event is it?"

Kelly considered this for a moment. "We work on a four-week cycle," she said. "Depending on how many times we went planet side and to which we went. The Citadel's fine, Tuchanka isn't, if you catch my drift." She hesitated. "I don't know how much you'll travel and I confess, we're only really allowed some free time on 'safe planets'." She air quoted the last. His eyes showed some steel in the last, his smile losing some of its warmth.

"I presume that means planets that'll be more accepting towards Cerberus."

Kelly looked up at his tone. Why, Dr Murdoch, you seem to have some prejudice to the uniform I wear… She didn't comment on it, but watched as he fixed the omnitool to his wrist.

"There we go," she said. "We're all set. Officer Lawson is ready to see you." She couldn't help but give him a sympathetic look. "She's set to leave in an hour or two so I would suggest you go sooner rather than later. She'll handle the rest of the orientation."

Robert nodded, but didn't get up as she had expected him to. "Thank you, Kelly," he said and motioned to her to wait when she wanted to get up. "Could I… have a semi-personal conversation with you for a bit?"

Kelly froze, aware of her mouth opening to make a sound. She didn't stop it immediately and had to listen to her surprised "Ahm…" before she managed to smile. "Sure." She settled back and felt a bit unnerved when he got up and sat down on the table opposite of her so that he could face her. Familiar with the pose, Kelly felt her unease spike. She noticed that he was tapping his hand on his leg again and the gesture still chilled her.

Rinn and Helena shake hands as well. Quickly. Without thought.

"I need to consider how to phrase this," Robert interrupted her thoughts as if he realised that she needed saving from herself. "And, forgive me if I get it wrong." He leaned forward and this time, she could smell the faint odour of soap around him. Of fresh aftershave and cologne. It was a pleasant combination. Everything about him was pleasant.

"I don't want to be or make you feel like I am your replacement," he said, his words turning her colder than her memories had. "I want us to work as a unit. An extension of each other. You can't sit every person down and ask them how they feel about things. I can try and make it easier on people, but I will always be the outsider." He smiled at her sadly, and the ice melted, leaving in its stead the empty hollow Kelly had found in her soul ever since she survived the collector's base. Pretty soon, she realised, she was going to start crying and that just wouldn't do.

"This ship and its crew is actually something of a single entity," Robert continued, as if he wasn't aware of the maelstrom of emotions in her heart. As if he wasn't aware of the tears suddenly so close. "But they are also each a person. They have their unique, individual experiences and it's going to be really tough addressing both aspects simultaneously. I know what I've been employed to do, so I'm not saying I'm going to be lazy and drop this entire load on you." He smiled in reassurance. "But I also know the limitations I'm going to have. I want to help take some of the strain off of you so you don't have to worry and carry as much as you do. So that you will have more freedom to do what I can't." His hand reached out and touched her, briefly. "I want us to work together, but I also need to hear what your expectations are so that I don't overstep boundaries." He withdrew immediately and paused for a moment. She knew that look, that way of assessing whether your patient could handle anymore. He seemed to find something in her eyes, because he smiled and pulled back a little.

"So please feel free to tell me off if I am being a jackass," he said and she couldn't help but smile, though it took some effort to stifle a sob as well. "I need to be held accountable too. And," he dropped his voice to a whisper and leaned forward as if they were about to share some intimate secret. "Our boss is a little intimidating and I'd rather be sorted out before she feels the need to step in."

Wouldn't Miranda love to hear this?

Kelly chuckled, smiling despite herself, smiling despite the tears she felt in her eyes and on her cheeks and looked away. Embarrassed about her insecurity, but strangely enough, not embarrassed about her tears. He never gave her the opportunity to be and even as she struggled to control her emotions, he got up abruptly and moved to one of his boxes, turning his back on her.

To give me space.

"Here," the man said happily, seemingly finding what he was looking for as he scratched around behind her back. "I've brought bribery too. Do you like biscuits?"

Kelly didn't answer, but waited for the knot to settle in her throat. Then, when Robert Murdoch drifted back into view, she offered him a smile. A real one this time.

"I ah…" How to apologise for something he was hopefully not aware of? "I would be happy to help, Dr Murdoch."

He smiled and offered her a packet of sweet biscuits, the kind that one would pick up from a docking port because they looked tantalising even though you weren't particularly in the mood for any.

"Good," he said. "I bought a ton of these, so feel free to use them for bribing someone else if you don't like them. I don't know what made me get it. This is why I shouldn't leave the comfort of my house." He smiled at her as she settled and that smile seemed to ask her if she was alright. She inclined her head slightly and took the biscuits, even though she probably wouldn't have any.

Jack's got a sweet tooth…

"Okay," the good doctor said when he was comfortable again. "Now that I've broken some of the ice, here's the next awkward thing, something I suspect all will hold against me. I have your file, Dr Lawson send it to me with some of the other records when I was still on the Citadel. I haven't gotten round to reading it yet because I wanted to ask you – may I?"

Surprised, Kelly gave him a curious look. "You hardy need my permission," she pointed out. "You can't go around asking everybody's permission."

Robert smiled at that and nodded, but still his attention on her. "Not everybody's a therapist," he pointed out. "And, I suspect that your bullshit meter's pretty high. You know the value of what I can bring, or not for that matter. You are the single person on this ship who can make an informed decision." He smiled kindly. "However, I should add that I'll throw in my file if you allow me yours."

Kelly hesitated, aware suddenly that he had given her an exit plan. That he was allowing her to walk away from his sessions. She could just let it be, as many of the other in the crew probably wanted, and deal with all of this herself…

But I can't.

Looking at him, Kelly breathed slowly and studied him. Clever little troll… The thought didn't hold a fraction of the vehemence that it had held before.

"I can't," she said, then realised that she had not spoken out loud to allow him access to her train of thought. "What I mean to say is, yes, yes you can read my file. I… I don't even need yours." She bit her lip and looked beyond him, at the window that he had left open or possibly didn't know how to close. "I didn't… I don't know how to help, Dr Murdoch. This is… bigger than me. Bigger than I could do." She felt the knot return to her throat and cursed her inability to keep her emotions in check. "I… I am relieved in a way, that I'm not the only one anymore." She was surprised by herself that she meant it.

Robert shifted his head to the side and gave her a curious look. "The only one?" He prompted.

Kelly couldn't help but whisper her reply, afraid of her confession, afraid that EDI might hear and tell on her. Afraid that she spoke the truth or had a foretelling.

"The only one who is supposed to try and fix… everybody," she pointed out and averted her eyes. "It wasn't expected of me. Nobody said. But… I'm not blind. We all need a little bit of help."

Robert nodded, studying her with what she could only describe as being appreciation. "But that's the thing, Kelly," he said kindly. "We can't fix them. We can give them the opportunity for weakness. For brokenness and the chance to grow. We can show them that they need to and can take that moment to be human. We can give them compassion and understanding and a different perspective. But we can't be responsible for their recovery. We want to be sometimes and we think we should most times, but we can't. We can just help till the soil; loosen the ground - which will be painful, no doubt. And then, let time help them heal under our guidance."

Kelly nodded, unable to stop herself from feeling just a little bit inspired.

"Yes, sir," she said quietly. "Thank you, Dr Murdoch."

He held up his hand immediately. "One thing," he said and wagged a finger in her direction. "I am not your boss and I am not your superior. So, Robert is fine. Or Rob. Save jackass for those special occasions when I need it." He winked, studied her expression and then seemed to relax in himself. "I think we'll do great, Kelly."

The strange thing was, she believed him.

"Yes… Robert," she said and stood up slowly. "Thank you… For coming. I know this job is thankless sometimes. Or, it is in the beginning. So… Thank you. From all of us, for coming here." When he simply smiled at her thanks she took a steadying breath and looked at the time.

Shit.

"Err… Shall I take you to Officer Lawson? She… ahm… is expecting us."

Robert Murdoch nodded, but interestingly enough Kelly saw his expression harden slightly, as if he shifted gears to deal with Miranda.

"Let's go," he said with a warm smile none the less. "This should be interesting. Any advice?"

Kelly had none.

"Breathe," she said. "And if you are a god fearing man, pray…"

Dr Lawson was waiting for them once they reached her office – that in itself an indication of her annoyance in having to wait for them. The look she fixed on Kelly was unnecessary and Robert felt the woman stiffen beside him. It made him wonder what kind of ship she ran and what he would have to be cautious of. He gave the XO an acknowledging nod, but turned to Kelly first.

"Thank you, Kelly," he said, giving her a gentle smile. "I really appreciate you taking the time to hear me out."

The yeoman relaxed a little, returning the smile. Mischief warred with relief in her features, including just a hint of that vulnerability that she had shown in her session. Go on, Robert urged her mentally. You're off the hook. She shifted, then turned and gave a respectful nod to Dr Lawson. The XO's gaze was chilled when she met the yeoman's, but then she surprised Robert by returning Kelly's acknowledgement with a nod of her own. Kelly's demeanour changed immediately as she smiled openly and left. Robert waited until the woman disappeared from view before turning back to the officer beside him. He gave her a similar nod to Kelly's.

"Dr Lawson," he greeted formally and watched how her eyes tightened ever so slightly. Her reaction wasn't as extreme as before. Maybe his explanation as to why he insisted on calling her by her title had gained some ground. But, he was beginning to suspect that she really didn't like it regardless.

A bad experience as a physician? He wondered and felt a hint of stubbornness settle in his chest. I will not call you Officer.

"Dr Murdoch," she returned, a hint of ice to her tone, though he suspected that that was normal. She motioned to her office. "Please."

The office was as it had been before. Immaculate, a reflection of the outward image this woman seemed to project. The only thing out of place was a few files that were scattered across the desk. A picture of a hooded woman stared back at him, but it was swept away when Dr Lawson moved to her side, motioning him to a chair.

"I trust that you have settled, Dr Murdoch?" The ice in her voice was gone, in its stead a note of distant professionalism.

He nodded, resisting the urge to point out that he had taken a shower and Dr Chakwas was going to clear him. Instead, he stilled his inner dialogue and smiled.

"I have, thank you." He watched as she moved back to her desk, noting an overnight bag beside it. Going somewhere? "Everyone has been very accommodating."

The woman sat, rested her elbows on the desk and laced her fingers together.

"I would like to apologise for our abrupt change in plans on the Citadel, and thank you for accommodating us. We will naturally compensate you for the effort."

Our, us, we. Robert wondered whether she was even aware of how much her distance could give away to the right ear, and how many questions it could ignite. Was she using the plural for the sake of defensiveness? Did she support the commander so wholeheartedly as to become her mouthpiece? Or had she assumed the position of commander without even realising it? From what Robert had read, the executive officer of any ship was but the extension of their CO. But with all that had happened, with all the commander had endured, was Dr Lawson stepping up to pick up the slack?

How much responsibility do you have?

"It's been a difficult time for this crew," Robert noted and motioned to Miranda. "As well as their superiors. No apology is necessary." He gave her a small smile. "Think of it as a sign of dedication."

There was a glint in her eye, almost completely obscured by her professionalism, but there. A flicker of amusement.

"I want to talk to you about that dedication," she shifted in her seat. New position, new direction. "You have been following the news, I assume?"

"I like to keep my ear to the ground," he allowed.

"And you followed the case? I remember that Dr Chakwas asked you to consult, however as I understand it, the Alliance didn't call you in."

Yup, shunned by both Cerberus and the Alliance in a span of weeks. However will my ego recover?

But then again, here he was. Sitting in the lion's den, if not within its maw.

For a good cause, Robbie. Remember that. Focus on what matters.

"They didn't, and yes I did," he replied. "The whole media spectacle was hard to sift through, but I do have a few sources within the media that assisted in pointing out some facts within the fiction.

The woman nodded and Robert wondered how well she knew of his own connections. Should he be warning others? But then again, that would spark even further trouble for them. No. The best he could do is not to reach out to them. Those who could would know where he was or understand his silence. He had hardly made his departure a secret. And the consternation his current employment would cause...

"Given the spectacle, are you still willing to be here?" she asked. "It might reflect quite badly on your career. I realise that the board has changed slightly since we last spoke. I will understand if you do not wish to continue with this project."

A mind reader? Or is it just that obvious? My dear Dr Lawson, would I be sitting here had I not thought that part through?

"It won't reflect much worse than it would have before." He smiled at her. "I'm not swayed by public opinion, Dr Lawson. I'm not ambitious, neither am I eager to further my standing in the eyes of my peers. I've established my opinion of the politics within academia years ago and it is well known."

Miranda smiled at that. She probably also understands how superfluous all of it is. Not that she has published in years… But then, what within the research of Cerberus could be shared?

Robert felt himself darken at the thought and did his best to banish it before it crossed his features.

"I figured that would be the case, but I still needed to check," she said and her tone seemed surprisingly warm. Odd. Then she straightened and took on the pose with which she had started the meeting. "I don't know much of your profession, so my input into how you should do your job will be minimal. I expect you to inform me should there be anything I should be concerned about – and that includes negative behaviour towards you. I expect our crew to cooperate."

Definitely doesn't know much of my profession then.

"I assume you have the preliminary files I passed on to you?"

Robert felt a twitch and decided that the question was innocent enough. I wonder how she would react if I were to say no… Instead he nodded and reflected on the information she had shared. It had been more than expected. Perhaps it had been a test of some sort. Regardless, there was enough in there to make him feel even more determined to touch the lives of this crew – if only a little.

Remember what you told Kelly. All you can do is help give the opportunity... Let's see about creating one here...

"I have," he replied, then tilted his head to the side. "You have quite a challenge to deal with as XO."

The woman paused, clearly surprised. She had no doubt been ready to give him instructions and now he'd gone in a completely different direction.

"How so?" she asked, possibly because she could not contain her curiosity.

Careful now, this is possibly one of the most important meetings you can have with her, Robbie. Don't mess it up.

"Your crew were focused and prepared to die," he replied. As were you. He shrugged. "Now they have to deal with the fact that it didn't happen, and that what did occur was far worse. Sometimes the largest struggle is surviving. Now they no longer have a focus. All they have are the memories."

He watched her as he spoke, watched her face shift into solid stone, her eyes go impassive. You're not immune, Dr Lawson. And you're not excused from my duties, even if I have to make a pet project out of you. He paused for but a moment, allowing her to feel. Allowing himself to absorb her silence.

"To manage all of that must be a tremendous challenge," he said softly. One you've yet to take on, perhaps. "You would need to deal with them with consistency, but also with a certain amount of sensitivity. And then there is dealing with them looking to you as an example. No, I don't envy you your position at all. It is quite a challenge to juggle all of it."

He glanced away, looking out the window rather than seeming as if he was reading her. It was against his curious nature. A part of him wanted to lay her open – though at this point he wasn't quite sure whether it was professional curiosity or deep rooted spite. Regardless, this was the time for trust to be gained. It made the road longer, but ultimately, at the end, more cherished.

So instead of watching the XO like a curious child would examine an insect, he took a few seconds to admire the view beyond. He would have to make a point to keep the observation port closed while he was working. It was far too distracting. Once he figured out how to close the thing. He heard her shift and in his periphery noted that she too was looking outside. What do you notice when you gaze to the world beyond? Something in particular? Nothing at all?

He looked back to her when she shifted, letting her arms rest on the table, hands folded. Shields at maximum.

"My crew is no less capable than they were. It is why they are here. The sensitivity…" she allowed her hands to unclasp only long enough to give the hint of a shrug. Interesting how much those hands can communicate. "I have never put much stock in that. They know what I expect of them."

Robert thought back to Kelly's tension. Perfection. At least, that's what they think you expect of them. He sat forward, hoping the gesture would show more a sense of sincerity, and he was being sincere. Whatever these people had gone through, whoever they may be, they should still have a chance at peace. Kelly should.

Karin should.

"And how much do they fear they can't make that expectation anymore? Now that they don't feel like the same people who started this journey? How do they know that you understand that they are more than you expect of them? How do they know that they are appreciated for what they do? For what they had done?"

Miranda gave him a humourless smile. "The socially acceptable answer would be 'positive feedback'."

It took all he had not to show any reaction to the way that she had said it. Yes, he thought and wondered if she was testing him, such an amusing, almost contemptible thing that those with actual human emotions appreciate. But not you, right? No word of appreciation means anything to you?

"Hence the challenge," he agreed, continuing with the conversation without a hint of seeming rebuffed. He motioned to her. "Doing something as part of your job that doesn't come naturally to you. Ensuring the efficiency of your crew stays within optimum levels by making sure they get the help they need," he touched his chest, "while also giving them the assurance that they are in fact doing their job as required and that they should have nothing to fear," he motioned to her. "Which is the situation you find yourself in as their executive officer."

It must have killed you to realise that you had to bring in someone like me to help.

Dr Lawson's mouth twitched into an almost smile. Marvelling at my charm or my audacity? My good looks or how much she wants to kill me? There was just no telling. Not yet at least. Not until he discovered more of the person in front of him. She eventually shook her head, more to herself than to him. What thought had she just dismissed?

"What else did you make of the material?" she asked, changing the subject somewhat. Oh well, I've already dropped a seed.

He shifted in his seat, considering. The preliminary information he had received showed so much work lay ahead of him, but that's not something for him to mention. What's more important were the things only this woman could supply to make that work possible.

"It's essential that my sessions are one-hundred percent private. I've emphasised this before, but they're going to really need that."

The XO nodded, sitting back.

"Is your accommodation satisfactory?"

Odd change.

"More than satisfactory," he replied honestly. "It's more than I expected."

His reply made her nod approvingly.

"Good, I trust it shows we are willing to meet you on the subject of privacy? It is a 'dark' zone on the grid now. None of the monitoring that is done there can be released to any of the crew, including myself, without your permission."

_Ah, of course, that's how she made the link. My room is now… Private. He wonderd if he could trust them. This was Cerberus. They were known for their intelligence, their espionage.

Their cold-blooded acts of cruelty. A few of his patients came to mind and a few of his friends. Asha...

Not helping, Robbie. Focus.

He nodded.

"I would appreciate it if that matter is emphasised to the crew as well. I do not doubt there are recording devices on this ship, Dr Lawson. And I do not doubt your crew knows that too. I think it is important that they know that, in my office, those devices are off."

She nodded sharply.

"That has already been communicated through to them." Was that annoyance in her tone? "They understand that whatever they say will be confidential." Definitively annoyance. How many times had they had this conversation? He realised that he had to backtrack a little.

"I trust you'll forgive my distrust, Dr Lawson," he said with an apologetic smile. "And that you'll be patient with me as I learn to overcome it. This crew knows you and they know how this ship is usually run, which I don't."

The woman gave him a slow nod after several minutes of consideration and it was enough. No ground was gained and none were lost, but the matter felt settled. Again, he found himself wondering about her, about how easy it was for her to let a matter go. How difficult was it for you to admit that you need me?

"From today you will also have access to more files on your allocated drive within the Normandy's systems," she continued. "I trust Yeoman Chambers explained how you can access it?" He nodded. "Good. The information on those files are very sensitive, Dr Murdoch. You are not to discuss it with anybody save for myself, Dr Chakwas and Kelly, if you must. I will answer all your questions, but in return I stress that you understand that that is the information that cannot leave the Normandy."

What other horrors could there be?

"Of course," he said softly.

"Good," she said again. There was a moment of… something. Not uncertainty, but a certain defensiveness as she asked, "How much do you need to know about the attack itself?" It was a difficult question to answer, one he had thought about often. It wasn't just professional necessity, he knew that much. A part of it was also morbid curiosity.

"As much as possible." He shrugged. "Then I can see what the crew might be missing or be able to link up with what they're talking about much easier."

She nodded, but her features were too blank. Not made of stone are you Dr Lawson? The attack disturbed you to.

"There is footage I can show you when you are ready," she said, sitting back in her chair. "I can take you through the attack step by step."

"I'd appreciate that," Robert replied. "But, I'd like to watch it by myself for the first time and sit with you after, if you don't mind."

Robert couldn't see through the woman's stony expression. You're going to be difficult, aren't you? But then, to his surprise, she gave a slow nod. Defeat? Or relief?

"Then I will also grant you access to those files. It should be available tonight," she hesitated, seeming to reconsider. "Or tomorrow sometime. I understand you have a lot to get through."

"I do," he agreed. "Tomorrow would be fine."

Then her expression melted a little.

"There is footage of Karin's attack in the infirmary. Should I include that as well?"

Robert felt his heart clench, a cold hand that wrapped around it and squeezed. It's in the past, Robert. It's not something you can prevent by not watching it. Karin's already gone through it. And it might help. Will help. He swallowed, taking a deep breath, ignoring how much the gesture showed. Just the fact that Dr Lawson had approached the matter in this fashion shows that there was no hiding how much he cared for Karin.

"Everything you can," he nodded and slipped back into his own professional demeanour. "I don't know how extensive your recording devices are on this ship, but any and all information you can offer will be helpful."

The woman studied him and he almost smiled at her. She scored a point in their little game.

"Read the files I gave you first," she said and the gentleness of that one line surprised him. "It might put some things into perspective."

"I'll do that," he replied. "Any other words of advice?"

The XO paused and in the silence Robert watched what might have been an actual conflict. Was it to give what Cerberus would not wish to have released? But then just his presence on the ship was enough to give any terrorist organisation a fit. They're probably going to kill me at the end of this… That's what you signed up for, Robbie.

"Helena is in there as well," Dr Lawson said finally and it was all Robert could do not to start from his chair. "She was in the infirmary when it happened. For completion's sake, I've added her file as well, though she is no longer a part of this crew."

Was she ever? It had hardly seemed the case in Huerta. Robert was still working through his surprise when he noticed the woman's features shift again.

"You might also want to tell Dr Chakwas that you have seen or will see it," she said. "She never speaks of it."

The way she spoke resonated with him. This wasn't necessary. This was for Karin's benefit. She also cares about her.

"I've already decided to talk to her about it before I watch," he said, then shrugged. "I doubt any speak of their experiences."

Including you.

"That's why you are here, Dr Murdoch."

The first encounter with Dr Lawson in Huerta came to mind. How annoyed she was when he didn't take any of the hints that he was to leave Helena's hospital room. How close she was to throttling him.

"Indeed," he said and smiled at her. Despite what had happened after, it was a pleasant memory because he had understood in some deep, fundamental way that this woman wasn't someone who was used to loosing.

Focus.

"I appreciate your assistance in this, Dr Lawson," he said and, despite his attempt to put his sense of humour back into its box, he added,"You have been most forthcoming."

And to his surprise, the woman played along.

"Don't get used to it, Dr Murdoch," she replied and allowed a small smile.

Now how to approach this? Insert grandeur…

"But, Dr Lawson, you've set the precedent!" He exclaimed. "It would be most unbecoming of you to close the tap now…"

Miranda Lawson didn't miss a beat and he was surprised to find that he liked it.

"Our taps are now inaccessible since we gave you the bar, Dr Murdoch," she said dryly. "We have to find our amusement elsewhere."

Robert laughed lightly and made the fencing signal for a touch. "Touché."

Who knew this woman had a sense of humour? How many people are allowed to see her charm?

The glint in her eye was there, but then she sobered up again.

"If you have any questions, come to me," she said. "I will answer what I can. As to your schedule, I've asked the department heads to arrange meetings with you. You can continue from there. I expect you'll spend the first few days reading up."

"There's a lot of material to work through," Robert agreed. "I'll come to you if there is anything Kelly can't supply answers to." He gave a quick glance outside. "How long will we be staying in Nos Astra?"

We.

I suppose I will have to get used to that now.

"A few days. We have some matters to attend to here," she replied. "And the crew needs a break occasionally."

Is that you taking my words to heart or pointing out that the crew are considered?

"I don't know what liberty I would have in venturing to and from the ship," he said carefully and could tell that his statement surprised her.

"As much liberty as the rest of the crew," she said with a raised brow.

I didn't mean I expected you to confine me to quarters. This ship crew thing is new to me. He wondered whether she considered that. Probably not.

"More so as you're not on a specified duty roster." Her eyes flitted to her screen and she straightened. "I trust that this will work out, Dr Murdoch." Her eyes warned him that it had to.

My cue to leave.

"I'm hopeful that it will," he replied with a smile. "By your leave?"

"Of course," she said formally and again there was a glint in her eye. Clearly she thought the conversation had gone well and he couldn't help but agree with her. Inclining his head, resisting the urge to give her a cheeky smile, Dr Robert Murdoch turned and left her office to what he had come to accept would be the rest of his life.