The Bachelor

by Clarry

James Diamond has become the first gay Bachelor, thinking it will be fun to watch 30 guys fight over him and not realizing he will meet three men who will change his life forever. James/Carlos, James/Kendall, James/Logan, and possibly more.

35. Chapter 35

Disclaimer: I do not own or claim any rights to Big Time Rush or the characters portrayed in this story, nor do I own or claim any rights to The Bachelor. It's all in good fun and because I can't contain the visions in my head that scream to get out.

Wow, a lot to say here. First, thank you for the reviews. I'm so happy most of you loved the last chapter and the choices that were made and I know it was rough getting here, but I promised you a happy ending. My guys ALWAYS have a happy ending. This isn't the last chapter, there's still one more to come, but this one is super super long. James had a lot to say.

On the actual show, there is an episode that airs between the overnight dates and the proposal, it's where they bring back all of the eliminated contestants (except for the final two, because at that point we don't know yet who's been proposed to) so that they can confront each other and the Bachelor about things that happened over the course of filming. I chose to combine that with the After the Final Rose special, so in this chapter you get all of it. It's almost all dialogue, which makes sense since it's basically an interview, and I hope it's not too boring for that but Chris takes them all on a sort of recap of the season and gets their feedback (mostly James). The point of this episode is to finally get to hear what James was feeling and thinking, as well as to see where the couple (or in this case, couples) stands at this point in time and whether or not the relationships are working out. Sometimes they don't, which is sad. The show ends and reality sets in and things don't always work out.

Also, I'm sorry this chapter took so long to get up. It took forever for me to write, both because it is so long and because I kept having to re-write huge chunks of it two and three times due to my phone and computer erasing it. It's been a long week haha. Hopefully it doesn't come off too flat for that, since I had to keep redoing it.

Some of the questions Chris asks below are thanks to 21MSTARZ, who mentioned them in a review. She came up with some good questions!

I dedicate this to kathrynew30 because even though she laughs at me for watching the show, she is always encouraging when it comes to my writing and she's been wanting this story for a long time. I also thank Aranelle for being an amazing beta and continually supportive of me in every area of my life.

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Chris was given the go, and from his comfortable leather chair on the small stage he turned to speak into the camera.

"In what was perhaps our most dramatic season of 'The Bachelor' to date, love managed to overcome all obstacles. As those of you at home just witnessed, there wasn't one but two proposals given in the final episode, and in a twist no one expected, the Bachelor himself wasn't even the one to propose! When the creators of this show decided to try their hand at a gay version of the contest, they had no idea what they were getting into; they knew there would be controversy, they knew there would be drama, and yes—they knew there was a chance contestants might fall for each other rather than the Bachelor himself. It was of course discouraged among the contestants, but as we've seen over the past few months, when it's right...it's right. The final proposal could have gone any way, had the remaining men not chosen to take a chance, but because they did we ended up with not only one couple, but two. Or as you'll learn tonight, even three."

The spotlight suddenly lit up the gathering of men on the stage, grouped in two rows of seats. All of the contestants were present except the final three and Jerry, and for the next fifteen minutes Chris allowed them to speak their minds and vent any frustrations they'd been feeling toward each other. Austin and Rob of course spoke over everyone else, continuing to bicker as they had when they'd been forced to live together, and Ryan did his best to calm them down while Mike jumped in to agree that he could see both sides of their arguments but reminded them it was in the past and not worth fighting over at this point. Ruffled feathers were soothed, Peter and Scott both feeling they hadn't been given fair chances with James, and at that point Chris interrupted.

"Well, let's go ahead and let James come out and defend himself. Everyone, welcome the Bachelor—or should we say, former bachelor—James Diamond."

The studio audience cheered when James stepped out onto the stage, glowing and handsome as ever. He shook hands with Chris and nodded at the group of men off to the right, then smiled before taking one of the empty chairs near Chris.

"Hello, James. Welcome back."

"Yeah, it's been a while," James grinned. "Good to see you."

"The viewers at home just watched the dramatic proposal on the beach and saw you go from a broken shell of a man to the happiest guy in the world in a matter of minutes. We'll talk more about that later in the show, but for now let me ask you this: did you have any idea Logan was even in Australia?"

"None at all," James answered with a shake of his head. "And I certainly had no idea Caroline was there. I thought at first I was dreaming or had lost my mind."

"It was a beautiful moment. I have to say that I've been with this show, as well as 'The Bachelorette', for every season, and this was the first to make me tear up. That little girl running to you in her outfit..."

Shaking his head again, James was beaming. "Isn't she amazing? Sometimes I just stare at her in wonder."

"Sounds like things are going well on that score, but again—we'll talk more about that later. For now, these men have some issues they'd like cleared up."

James cleared his throat and pulled his collar away from his neck, shifting in his seat to smile at the men. "Hey, guys."

They all chorused a "hello" at him, and Chris gestured toward Scott. "You had something you wanted to discuss with James?"

"Yes. I think I speak for a lot of us when I say that from the start, we felt like you were favoring certain guys over the rest of us. First Kendall, then Carlos."

"And don't forget Logan," Kevin added.

"Right, well I was gone by that time," Scott replied. "It's no secret you were starstruck by Kendall and that really wasn't fair."

"You can't blame me for that, Scott," James reasoned. "I didn't know he was going to be on the show. My guess is the producers picked him knowing of my crush in order to bring in more drama, since I'd mentioned him a few times in interviews as being my favorite hockey player. And don't forget that it wasn't even Kendall who got the First Impression Rose, it was Carlos."

"But then it was Carlos you spent all that time with on our group date in Big Bear," Peter pointed out. "So again, playing favorites."

"I would've done the same for any of you. Dave, remember our date in San Francisco? The roller coaster? Did I not spend extra time on you because of your fear?"

"Yes, you did," Dave nodded.

"And you got the rose. Mike. Our date in Vegas. After all the drama with Kevin and Dave, it wasn't Logan who got the rose. It was you. Because you showed me you're the kind of person who's fair and listens to reason. You didn't get caught up in the drama of it all. On the group date in Hawaii, it was none of those three who got that rose—it was Ryan. So say what you want, I will freely admit to being more hung up on Logan than the rest of you, but Carlos and Kendall..." James sighed. "While they are very special to me, and were even then, I tried my hardest to be fair with all of you. It's not easy in that situation."

"James," Chris started, "let's talk about that date in Vegas. The men were understandably upset because you were showing favor to Logan, and when they expressed that it ended badly. Can you honestly blame them for it, though?"

"I wasn't angry at them being jealous. What pissed me off was Kevin and Dave insinuating that Logan, Kendall, and Carlos were more than friends." He stopped speaking, blinking at how ridiculous that sounded in light of the way things had turned out, then chuckled. "Let's forget about the fact that Kendall and Carlos were in love. At that point nothing had happened between them. Kevin, you couldn't have known this then, but my fears over exactly what you were suggesting ran deep. I had my own suspicions about the same thing, but had cleared the matter up with Kendall. I was at that point past my jealousy. For you to not only bring it up again but then to accuse me of being a puppet, basically...that wasn't gonna fly with me. I'm sorry for the way it ended, and Dave, I'm sorry you got involved in that but it was your own mouth that did it. Once we left the theater and sat down to talk, you both just kept digging yourselves in deeper and I knew it wasn't going to work."

Kevin shook his head, annoyed.

"You don't seem to buy that, Kevin," Chris prodded.

"No, because if it had been anyone else, even Mike and Ryan, you wouldn't have sent us home over it. It's because it was your precious trio of buddies."

Mike jumped in before James could answer. "I don't believe that. I think if it had been about me and Ryan, James would've reacted the same way. It wasn't that it was them so much as the fact that you thought he was being played, that you pretty much called him stupid."

"Thank you, Mike," James smiled. "There's a reason I hated sending you home."

"But I'm sure glad you did," Mike grinned, reaching out to hold Ryan's hand. Ryan blushed but laughed.

"Yes, let's talk about that for a moment, shall we?" Chris chuckled. "It seems losing the contest was the best thing to ever happen to you two."

"I'm glad it worked out," James said, eyes twinkling at Ryan.

"After Mike's exit aired, I got a lot of questions about why Mike left." Turning to James, Chris continued, "Everyone said they liked him a lot and that you two seemed very compatible. They couldn't understand what went wrong."

"The thing with Mike and Ryan is that nothing actually went wrong. There was nothing they said or did that pushed me away. I got along well with both of them and it was really hard to say goodbye."

"But you had to," Chris said.

"I had to send someone home. As much as I loved those guys, when it came down to choosing who would go, it was never a question of 'Who don't I like?' It was 'Who can I not live without?' And as it got closer and closer to the end, my feelings were stronger for some men than others. Ryan and Mike were wonderful, but I knew they weren't the ones for me. And as you saw in the hometown week, I was beginning to have suspicions that Ryan was in love with Mike anyway."

Ryan turned red again, Mike wrapping an arm around him and hugging him in. "I'm sorry," Ryan said softly.

"Don't be! Look at you, you're glowing! Both of you. You know how much I like you, Ryan. I hope you believe that everything I said to you was true, that I honestly loved being around you."

"I do. I know it was."

"But when it came down the final four, I had to look at the future. I mean, we talked for hours on our dates, and that was so great. With everyone else it was trying to do things, make it exciting, but with you...and Logan, I guess...it was about spending time with you and getting to know you. We bonded right away over our childhoods, and even though that spark wasn't there, I didn't want to lose you. In that way, you were like Carlos to me. I'd met someone amazing who maybe wasn't my future husband, but was someone I couldn't stand to say goodbye to. But in the end, I had to say goodbye to someone."

"I know, James," Ryan smiled. "I don't bear you any ill will. I knew I was talking too much about Mike on our last date but I couldn't seem to help myself. I was going crazy without him."

"Aww," Mike cooed, kissing Ryan on the cheek. "You do love me."

"Would I be marrying you if I didn't?"

Mike dived in for a quick kiss, Ryan blushing yet again, and James laughed. "They're adorable."

"Even in times of heartache, love is born," Chris quipped. "Did anyone else find love in the group? Did we end up with more than three couples?"

The answer was apparently no, as everyone else shook their heads, some of the guys looking a little bitter. Scott voiced what they were thinking. "It doesn't seem fair that these guys all broke the rules but ended up happy. Why was there no action taken?"

"Hey," Mike argued, "Ryan and I did nothing wrong. We didn't even kiss until after he'd been eliminated. Up until the end, James was our priority."

"But what about Carlos and Kendall?" Kevin asked. "We saw in the final episode that they totally kissed in Australia, and who knows what else, when they weren't even supposed to be talking to each other."

"And what about all that cuddling they did? Even Mike and Ryan shared a bed on their last few nights together." Dave pointed out. "How was that fair?"

Chris shrugged. "If you want to know what the producers felt about it, the truth was they were pretty much willing to let anything happen. It was new to them, dealing with contestants who were attracted to the same sex, and they decided to just let it go and see what would happen. It brought up the ratings, as they knew it would."

"That's not fair, though," Kevin complained. "They gave us these rules and then didn't care if we broke them? We were all going crazy in that house being around so many hot guys but most of us suffered because we thought we had to."

James lifted an eyebrow. "I would've thought you'd suffer because it was me you wanted, not because you had to. But that just proves my earlier point, Kevin. If you wanted to be with someone else, obviously I wasn't the one for you. Logan says that other than a little bit of attraction he felt for Kendall in the beginning, which disappeared once he fell in love with me, he was never once tempted to be with anyone else. It was always me. That's how it should be when it's right."

"Yet you were still attracted to Kendall at the very end," Chris pointed out.

"Sure, he's an attractive guy. I still find him attractive today but there's not even one tiny piece of me that would want to sleep with him. The only reason I did on our date is because I was trying to get over Logan. And he knows that," James added in a hurry when the audience took that badly. "He feels the same way about me, so we're good."

"Meaning he only has eyes for Carlos," Chris clarified.

"Right."

"Okay, we're gonna wrap this up but when we come back from commercial break we'll talk to Kendall and Carlos about their own experience, and coming up later we'll hear more from James and Logan."

The men stood up to exit the stage, James taking the opportunity to jump up and rush over to Ryan and Mike. He hugged them both, genuinely glad to see them. "So happy for you guys."

"Thanks, same to you," Mike grinned. "I take it things are going well?"

"Better than ever," James smiled. "I've never been happier in my life."

"Neither have we," Ryan said while glancing up at Mike. "I'm glad there's no hard feelings."

"Nah, I was more afraid you guys would have them. Listen, we don't have much time but Kendall wanted me to make sure I get a number in case he doesn't get to see you. We want to invite you guys up for a weekend, if you want to come."

"Yeah, that'd be great!"

James whipped out his phone and put Ryan's number into it, then Mike's as well before they were all rushed off the stage. Logan approached the moment they stepped into the big room where everyone was gathered, arm sliding around James' waist after he met first Mike's hug, then Ryan's.

"Good to see you guys again!" Logan said with a smile.

"Yeah, you too," Ryan agreed. "We couldn't believe it when we were sitting there watching the show and you took off that night in England. We both had bets you would win."

"Well," Logan shrugged. "Basically I did."

James kissed his temple. "We both did."

When Logan blushed, Mike laughed. "You're as bad as Ryan. You two need to learn to take a compliment."

Kendall and Carlos rushed by hand in hand, Carlos waving and calling out a greeting to them as they headed toward the stage. "See you guys in New York?"

"We'll be there!" Mike yelled in response.

Carlos took one of the chairs near Chris, Kendall waiting until he was seated to sink into the next one.

"Good to see you two," Chris smiled, shaking their hands before he was given a signal to begin. To the camera he said, "Welcome back. We just heard from most of the contestants who didn't win the contest, but there were two who came out winning in a different way. Kendall and Carlos came to L.A. looking for love with James, but ended up finding it where they least expected it. Let's take a look back at where this all began."

On a large screen above the stage, Carlos appeared. Kendall reached over and grabbed his hand as they watched pieces of Carlos' original entry video, him talking about his life and what he hoped to gain from the experience. It switched to Kendall after, Carlos chuckling when he realized they'd both been looking for someone like James. "We were so stupid," he whispered.

Kendall grinned and squeezed Carlos' hand, clips of the two of them together playing now-their antics around pools, their habit of throwing objects at each other, the two of them cuddled up in bed playing a video game or wrapped up in each other while sleeping on a couch. The last scene was a shot of Carlos snuggled up in Kendall's arms and yelling "I have nothing to hide. You hear that, James?"

Everyone laughed, Carlos blushing slightly. "Well, I didn't! We were just friends then!"

"It's okay, babe. It all worked out."

Chris broke in. "How hard was it for you two to resist each other? Kendall, I know it caused problems between you and James, so much that you begged him for a second chance to prove your devotion."

"Yeah, but that wasn't just about Carlos. I mean, a lot of it was, this guy is really distracting-"

Carlos beamed.

"-but it was also Logan, because I knew how much Logan loved James and I felt he needed someone like James in his life. With Carlos, I always worried about what being sent home would do to him, because...well, I just did."

"It's because you love me. You can admit it now."

"But I didn't then, Carlos. At least I hadn't accepted it."

"That brings up a good point," Chris commented. "When did you know?"

Carlos answered first. "I didn't figure it out until the very end. It was after I knew in my heart that James wasn't going to pick me. And that meant he was gonna pick Kendall, and up until then I'd always assumed it would be Logan. When it hit me that Kendall was going to marry James...I freaked out. It wasn't even about James, it was about watching Kendall marry someone else. That's when I knew I was screwed."

"Aww," Kendall responded, reaching over to hug Carlos' shoulders with one arm.

"What about you, Kendall?"

Sitting back again, Kendall answered, "I think I would've been okay if we'd never kissed. I probably would've been engaged to James and not realized I was in love with Carlos until later, when the game was all over and I didn't see him every day. The attraction was there from the start, but I was doing a pretty good job of ignoring that for a while."

Chris nodded. "You went into Carlos' room that night innocently, to return his toy?"

"I did, I had no intentions of anything happening other than an official goodbye. This guy, though-he has to push things. Just like the dancing. That was my real downfall."

"Me?" Carlos exclaimed. "You kissed me first!"

"Well, if you hadn't forced me to dance like that, telling me to pretend we were having sex...how was I supposed to react?"

"With James. I said to pretend it was with James."

"While you're rubbing up on me? Yeah, that's gonna happen."

"Wait a minute." Chris held up a hand. "You two went dancing in Rio. Your first kiss was in Rio?"

"It was his fault!" Carlos yelled as Kendall laughed. "He kissed me."

"Yes," Kendall said in reply to Chris' question. "We were terrified someone would find out and disqualify us."

"And from then until the final night, you managed to keep your hands off each other?"

Carlos was silent, squirming, while Kendall said, "Mostly."

"Okay, I'll back off," Chris laughed. "I suppose none of that matters now anyway. But Kendall, up until the final day, it appeared you were planning to accept James' proposal. When did that change and why? Was it the encounter with Carlos the night before?"

"Partly. That made it worse, because I already missed him and was miserable thinking that he'd slept with James-"

"Even though I didn't," Carlos interrupted.

"But you would've," Kendall countered.

"I could've the last night with James and I didn't."

"Neither did I the last night. I went to see you instead."

Chris jumped in. "Is that hard for you, Carlos? Knowing he did and you didn't?"

Carlos shrugged. "A little bit. Not so much anymore. And I couldn't really be mad, because I would've done it too if I'd had the chance on my first overnight date with James. Now I'm glad I didn't, because it might be weird when we hang out."

"Is it weird for you and James, Kendall? I imagine the friendship between the four of you has remained intact?"

"Yeah, but we haven't been able to spend a lot of time together yet. We were forced to keep everything quiet until the show aired, so mostly we all just talk on the phone."

"Sometimes we Skype with Caroline," Carlos added. "And they send us pictures of her all the time."

"Her birthday's coming up in a few months, we're all getting together for that."

"And that won't be awkward between you and James?" Chris asked.

"Not really, because we both know why it happened. James is great, but he doesn't even come close to comparing with Carlos. I'm sure he'd say the same about me. We're content to be friends for the rest of our lives."

Chris nodded as Carlos smiled at Kendall. "So how much time have you two been able to spend together since filming ended?"

"Pretty much all of it," Carlos replied.

"I've been hiding out at Carlos' place for months now."

"And how has that changed your life, Carlos?"

"It's been awesome. I still work a lot, but Kendall makes sure I'm home by nine every night. He and Chachi come to get me if I'm not."

"Ah, the infamous Chachi. Does he approve of Kendall, then?"

"It's disgusting, Chris!" Carlos whined. "He gets so pissed when I throw him off the bed at night. All he wants to do is cuddle with Kendall!"

"Can you blame him?" Kendall teased.

"No, because that's all I want to do, too."

The audience "awwed" as they grinned at each other, Kendall hugging Carlos close again across the distance.

"Have you ended up helping out with the business at all, Kendall?"

"Yeah, some nights I show up to drag him out and there's an emergency so I pitch in."

"He's so awesome," Carlos beamed.

"And sometimes I get bored at home so I just show up randomly to help out because I miss him."

Another "aww" from the audience had Chris rolling his eyes. "Just wait until we get James and Logan out here, the audience will probably combust. Kendall, have you met the family yet? We know Carlos' father had some doubts about James' devotion to him, has that been an issue for you?"

"Not at all. He took me aside the day we met and we talked for a long time about Carlos. When we left that night, he welcomed me to the family."

"He didn't even use his gun," Carlos added.

"And Kendall's family? Did Katie go easy on you, Carlos?"

"Yes. We haven't actually got to meet yet, but we've talked on the phone. After we watched the episode where James met them, I asked her why she didn't interrogate me like she did James. She said it was because I made Kendall happy and she could tell we were in love. She knew with James his heart wasn't in it."

Kendall nodded. "She also said that with James, my heart wasn't in it, either. I think they edited that out of the show, but she knew when I went home for a few days that it was Carlos I couldn't stop thinking about. Pissed me off."

Carlos grinned. "Were you more mad at her or yourself? Because I was pissed at myself for the same reason when I went home."

"Mostly myself, I guess. I couldn't get you out of my head. I missed you."

Chris pointed at the audience, who "awwed" on cue. "Knew that was coming," he laughed, Kendall and Carlos joining him. "So what are your plans at this point? Kendall, are you moving to New York?"

"Yes, though I'll still keep the place in San Jose until I can work out a trade. That might be years from now, though."

"He has to go back into training in a few weeks," Carlos pouted. "Chachi's gonna be hell to live with."

"You two can console each other," Kendall soothed.

Chris chuckled. "Before we wrap this up, there's one thing I'd like to know. Kendall, do you now know the recipe for Garcia's Dogs?"

"Yes! I make them better than he does, too."

"You do not!" Carlos exclaimed.

"Chachi went for mine in our contest."

"That's only because yours was closest to him. The other dogs all ate mine."

"Yeah, because Chachi wouldn't let them near mine. Face it, Carlitos, I make the better hot dog."

"You're a jerkface."

"Right. That's why you can't keep your hands off me when I work in your restaurants. You know you love me."

"That's not why," Carlos shook his head.

"Oh? It's not because you find me irresistible?"

"No. I mean, yes, but...it's just sometimes it hits me, how amazing you are and how you put up with all my crap and you love me anyway. I'm so lucky, and I don't know what I did to deserve you, but when I see you in my kitchen working...sometimes I get overwhelmed. I love you so much."

Kendall melted right along with the audience this time, leaning over to kiss Carlos gently. "I love you."

"I know," Carlos smiled. "That's my point."

"I think we'll wrap this up with that. I wish you both a long future filled with love and happiness. And a lot of dogs."

"Thanks, Chris." Kendall shook his hand, then Carlos did, before they left the stage hand in hand.

James was waiting in the wings, hugging them both on arrival. "We still on for a late dinner after this?"

"Yes, I'm starving!" Carlos whined.

"Where's Logan?"

In answer to Kendall's question, James pointed to a corner of the room where Logan was trying to hear someone on the phone. "He's saying goodnight to Caroline."

"You're not?"

"I already talked to her. She's supposed to be in bed by now but Grandma let her stay up to watch us on T.V., since she was on it, too. That woman spoils her, I swear."

Both Kendall and Carlos busted up laughing.

"Shut up, I'm not that bad."

Carlos affected a child-like voice. "One more story, James? Please?"

"So she likes it when I read her stories. You're just jealous because your child doesn't tell you he loves you before bed."

"Oh yes he does," Kendall argued. "He says it with licks and cuddles."

"Which sounds so wrong," James shuddered.

"James, you're up!" a stage hand called out.

"See you guys later."

After a wave at Logan, who smiled and nodded, James once again took the stage, this time sans the group of contestants. Chris greeted him and he settled into the chair Carlos had vacated, much more relaxed.

"Well, James, it was a wild ride."

"Yeah, you could say that," James laughed.

"Would you do it all again if you had to?"

"A million times. I have the most incredible family and I can't believe I lived without them for so long."

"You didn't come into this looking for a family, though, did you?" Chris asked with a smile.

"Not at all. I just wanted...well, I'm not sure what I wanted, really. I went into this not knowing what I wanted and trying to keep an open mind."

"Let's take a look at the James Diamond who first signed on to do this show."

More clips flashed on the screen, James watching himself talk about his life and his career and how he felt it was time for a change. It was surreal, he'd had no idea at that point just how much his life would change or that Logan and Caroline even existed. Now he couldn't imagine living without them.

When the screen fell silent, Chris said, "That is not the man you are today, is it?"

James shook his head. "Not even remotely. I had no idea what I was capable of then or what I was missing."

"Going back to that first night, you seemed a bit overwhelmed."

"I was! So many hot guys, and they were all there for me, to try to win me over. It was awesome, but a little much all at once, too."

"Who stood out the most that night?"

"Well, there was Kendall, of course. I'm glad they saved him for last because I wouldn't have been able to function when meeting anyone else," James chuckled. "I was starstruck. But once we got inside...I'd say Carlos for sure, as well as Mike and Jerry."

"Not Logan?"

"Logan...I wasn't sure what to think of him. I was intrigued, because he was so quiet. He was very cute, blushing whenever I looked at him, and he kept putting his foot in his mouth, and then he'd blush more, and-"

"Just talking about him now, you can't stop smiling."

James grinned, blushing a tad himself. "He has that effect on me. But then I saw him with Kendall and Carlos, and he was laughing, and I wanted to see more of that. I kept trying to get him to relax, he was so uptight."

"And Mike and Jerry?"

"Mike just seemed like this awesome, hot guy. He was athletic, he had a great smile, he seemed like the kind of guy who would run into a burning building to save a dog."

"Which is accurate, considering he's a fireman."

"True. But it was obvious even in the beginning, he's just got that lovable personality that makes you feel safe. He's a lot like Kendall in that, actually."

"And Jerry?"

"Jerry." James sighed. "Jerry probably should've been sent home the first night, but I wasn't thinking with my brain when it came to him. That was our biggest problem, I never was."

"It wasn't obvious to the other contestants, but watching the show they saw just how close you and Jerry were."

"Physically," James emphasized. "He attacked me the first night, and I didn't fight it, and it kept escalating every time we were alone together. He was like the guys I slept with before coming on the show, knew exactly how to touch me."

"I imagine that was difficult for Logan to watch."

Nodding, James said, "I had to warn him first. I came clean about everything with Logan, because he was going to watch me making out with all these other guys and I knew it would be hard on him. I'd have been raging if it was me watching him. He handled it pretty well, though, because after each episode I'd spend the night reminding him it was him I chose and him I'd choose again. Jerry was the one he had the hardest time watching me with, because he'd had no clue it was that intense between us."

"Let's talk about that for a moment. You came pretty close to crossing the line with Jerry on numerous occasions, and all without even having a one-on-one date with him. Why did you wait until Rio for that date?"

"Because Jerry...how can I explain it? I knew what we had going was purely physical. I fooled myself for a while, thinking it was more, but I think deep down I knew it wasn't going to go anywhere. As the weeks progressed, I started feeling more and more pressured by him and didn't want to be alone with him, because he pushed it further each time we were. And it was getting harder for me to be with anyone besides Logan at that point."

"True, you didn't seem to have a problem actually stopping with anyone except Logan."

"I had a few intense moments with Kendall, and of course Jerry got pretty far with me, but Logan's the only one I needed intervention with. When he kisses me...everything else disappears. It was like that from the first kiss, I forgot who I was and where I was and all that mattered was making sure it never stopped. It scared me."

"So how was that different from Jerry or Kendall? You seemed to lose control with them, as well."

"With them I never forgot the situation, never forgot that I would have to stop. I always had my wits about me, to a degree. Logan...I can't explain it. He's amazing. He owned more than just my body; he owned my heart the first time he kissed me." James grinned when the audience melted.

"And they're off," Chris chuckled. "So Carlos gets the rose on that first night."

"Yes! Carlos was fun. That guy always makes me laugh, no matter what. He makes me feel like a kid again. I love that feeling, and I knew he was someone I wanted to keep around."

"On that first night, if you could've predicted who the final two would be..."

"I would've said Kendall and Carlos. And I would've been right, only not the way I thought."

"Let's look at the next week. Kendall gets the one-on-one date and you're in heaven."

"I was! It was my dream come true, Chris! Kendall Knight on a romantic date with me? Plus I got to hang out with him at a game? It was surreal, I couldn't believe I was alone with Kendall Knight. The only problem was he already had a bad image of me, so it took a while to wear him down."

"But you did."

"Eventually, yeah. I fell so hard for him and it killed me that he didn't even want to give me a chance. But he did, and it was a great date."

"And the next day everything changed for you."

James looked down at his lap, a smirk on his face. "Yeah."

"Carlos got a little extra attention, which we know upset the other guys, but it was Logan they should've been worried about."

A tiny smile at his lips, James looked up. "I was fine until we kissed. I'd never experienced anything like that before. One simple kiss...it changed my life."

"What made it so different from any other kiss you've ever had?"

Shrugging, James shook his head. "It just felt different. I never wanted it to end. It consumed me."

"And scared you."

"Definitely. I didn't understand what I was feeling, I just knew...he was different. But it wasn't just the kiss. We'd talked a few times before that, and he made me feel...good about myself. He asked about me and encouraged me and didn't judge me, and made me feel like a good person. Plus he didn't gush over me, just treated me like a normal guy. And I'd been dying to kiss him since the first night, but I was afraid to try."

"Why? Wasn't he there to kiss you?"

"Yes, but...here's the thing about Logan. I spent almost every second of my time with Logan terrified he would disappear. He seemed too good to be true. I felt like if I pushed too hard, he'd go running. To me he was like a butterfly, you want to catch it but you get too close and it flies away. That was my feeling about him the entire time up until he left. I was so afraid to chase him away."

"And yet we saw at one point you telling him not to treat your time together that way, as if it was your last."

"That's because he was acting the way I was feeling. Like he was planning to leave. I hated that, hated fearing he would show up one day to tell me he was leaving. Especially after I found out about Caroline, I knew he had a good reason to leave. The day he came to my room in Rio..." James shivered. "I don't even like to think about it."

"I was there, you were terrified."

"I thought he was leaving. I knew by that time I was in love, that he was all I ever needed, and I lived in fear of him disappearing."

"When did you know, James?"

"I knew he was special when we kissed. If I had to go back to a moment when I knew I was in love...I'd say our first date. We were sitting on the beach talking, and he said that Caroline's laugh is his favorite sound in the world. I can't tell you why, but that was the moment I fell in love. That was the moment I knew I couldn't live without him and that I'd do anything to hold on to him."

"Yet you let him walk away without really putting up a fight." James bit his lip, and Chris said, "But we'll get to that. Going back to the beginning, your next date was with Carlos. The fish incident."

"Oh god, did you have to bring that up?"

"Of course I did," Chris laughed. "The date with Carlos seemed to go well."

"It was great. We had fun, and he made me hot dogs, and even though we got rained out, there was a nice time in the tent."

"At that point he was still a contender, then?"

"Carlos was always a contender. He's a great guy, and Kendall's very lucky. He's just not the guy for me."

"What did you wish for on that shooting star?"

James smiled, thinking back. "For a chance with Logan. And I know that's wrong, I was on a date with Carlos and shouldn't have been thinking about Logan, but...I couldn't help it."

"It came true, then."

"Sure did." Eyes sparkling, James glanced around at the audience. "I know, we're sappy."

Continuing on, Chris said, "One thing that came up during that date was the fact that everyone seemed to have an image of you that you didn't like. They were surprised that you had feelings."

"I know! That hit me hard, because while I tried to maintain a certain image, I never knew I was putting off these asshole-oops, am I allowed to say that?"

The audience laughed and Chris said, "We'll bleep it. Go on."

"Well, I never knew I was putting off these vibes. When I went home for a few days I asked Lana about that and she said the guys were right, that I came off like that in interviews and stuff. That I acted like I didn't care about anyone but myself. Carlos, Kendall, and Logan were the first people to actually show me that, and it hit me hard."

"Did that cause you to change your behavior at all?"

"Uh..." James considered that. "Not really. The ones who mattered to me had already seen that there was a good side of me, so that's what I cared about."

"After that was Arizona. What prompted you to make Kevin and Logan trade places on that raft? Kendall thought it was jealousy, was he right?"

"Pretty much, yeah. I couldn't get it out of my head that Kendall and Logan were close, and I kept seeing Kendall reassure Logan. I knew Logan was scared and I hated that he went to Kendall instead of me."

"So there was no jealousy over Kendall? It was all Logan?"

"It was a little of both. Logan needed me more, though, so I made him come up with me. I wanted him to know I could keep him safe, too. And we ended up having a blast together," James grinned.

"After the rafting adventure, you had time alone with the guys. You took Kendall off alone, and the two of you ended up arguing."

"Kendall and I were always arguing," James chuckled.

"Why is that?"

"Because he has to challenge everything. And there were things I couldn't talk about, or maybe didn't want to talk about, and he'd push it. Every damn time. All I ever wanted to do was kiss him, but he kept bringing up things that made us argue. He couldn't just enjoy the moment."

"And then you went with Logan. What were you feeling at that point?"

"I was so nervous. I mean, here's this amazing guy, so smart and gorgeous and way out of my league, but he seemed to at least like kissing me. And he didn't make me feel dumb. I tried to relax and it felt natural, it always felt natural with Logan even though I was nervous. Every time I talked to him I fell a little harder, never wanted our moments together to end."

"Why did it bother you so much that the three of them were so close and shared everything with each other? Was that jealousy?"

"A little, but only in the way that I wasn't part of that. You have no idea how much I envied them! I knew they shared a room and I kept picturing them all laying awake into the night talking, maybe even cuddled up together, and while that killed me, I wanted to be a part of it. I never had that, never had close friends, and those guys had each other. I went home alone every night, couldn't even call someone if I wanted to. I hated that, hated that they were forming this legendary friendship without me."

"Later Kendall brought that up, told you they would welcome you into that no matter how it turned out. Did that help?"

"That made it all bearable. I was afraid to believe it, because I thought it was an impossible dream. How could they stay friends once I rejected two of them? And if they could, did that mean I didn't matter as much as I should've? And how would that be for me, having to see the other two once I'd sent them away? I didn't see how it could work, but it meant a lot to me that I was...invited into the club, so to speak."

Chris nodded. "And after the picnic, Logan's horse had a tumble and once again, your world shifted. Suddenly there was a new factor in your relationship with Logan."

"Caroline," James smiled.

"I imagine that was a huge shock?"

"Yeah, just a little," James laughed. "But suddenly it all made sense, Logan's detachment. He was the only one who wasn't really trying to win me, who seemed like he'd be fine with going home. I mean, Kendall had his moments too, but with Logan...I kept feeling like there was something else going on. And there was."

"What was your initial reaction? Was it to send him home?"

"Are you kidding? By that time I was in too deep. Mostly I was just in shock, and then I asked about her and learned a little, and all I could think was 'I'm not capable of being a father. I would screw her up so bad.' I was scared. I figured she'd be better off without me, but then the thought of never seeing Logan again...that scared me even more."

"And things went downhill from there. You two got into a heated argument at the party afterward."

"There was so much going through my head. I was spinning. Here I'd already been thinking Logan might be the one, but I was afraid he'd leave. I wanted to hold on but I didn't know how to keep his attention. I felt unworthy. I was always in competition with Jane, at least in my head, and how could I compete with that? Then I found out about Caroline and it was even worse. I was so damn scared, Chris. Of him leaving, of me not being good enough, of him choosing Kendall over me-"

"You were honestly afraid of that?"

"Of course! How could I compare to Kendall Knight? They spent almost every waking moment together, and seeing them together that day...I realized just how close they were. So I've got all that going through my head, and then Caroline happens, and I took out my fear on Logan. I felt a little like he'd betrayed me by not telling me sooner, but mostly I was scared. And then he automatically assumed I would send him home, and that was it. I snapped. I hate people making assumptions about me. He assumed and I just...in that moment, it seemed like it was best to send him home. His daughter needed him, I could tell he missed her like crazy, and I couldn't imagine that I would ever be a good father. I was overwhelmed. And then Kendall came to his rescue, and that was it. I was done. I kind of gave up in that moment, decided if they were meant to be, I shouldn't stand in their way because loving Logan was so...hard."

"Love isn't always easy, James."

James nodded, a corner of his mouth turning up. "I'm aware of that now."

"The next night you had a change of heart."

"I was ready to set him free. I figured once he was gone I could try with Kendall and see if there was something there or if his heart was with Logan. And if it was, there was Carlos."

"What changed your mind?"

James shrugged, sitting back in the chair. "I don't know. I hadn't slept well, I was feeling drained and exasperated, and Kendall was there for me. At the cocktail party, he made me feel better, but I kept seeing Logan. Every time I did, my heart just screamed for him. I didn't want to let him go. We'd kissed...what? Three times maybe? And when we were about to start the ceremony, I had this moment where I pictured it, him walking up to say goodbye. I pictured his face when I didn't give him a rose. And I just...I couldn't do it, not unless he wanted me to. I left it up to him."

"We now know that he was resigned to leaving. Had you sent him home, he would've gone without regret."

"I know. That kills me when I think about it, how close I came to losing him. So many times I almost lost him."

"But you asked what he wanted, and he chose to stay for you. Did that help calm your fears somewhat?"

"Yes. I think it helped both of us, because it meant a lot to him to know I wanted him to stay."

"And things got easier between you two after that?"

"Yeah, no more secrets, and we both knew we were feeling things. It gave me hope."

"Your next date was a group one, in San Francisco," Chris coached. "You and Kendall had a pretty intense talk on the Ferris wheel, in which you accused him of that fear, of wanting more than friendship with Logan."

"I had to know for sure, because I was falling hard for Logan, but if they wanted to be together, it was better to know before I fell any harder for either of them."

"And Kendall set your fears to rest?"

"He did, actually. When he talked to me about his ex-boyfriend, I understood why he had feelings for me, because until then I couldn't understand how he could find me worthy."

"You didn't seem to have self-esteem issues with any of them except Kendall and Logan. Why is that?"

Shrugging, James said, "I guess because they seemed so high above me. In different ways. I felt they could do so much better. Not that the other guys weren't great, but those two...I kind of put up on a pedestal, I guess."

"Kendall mentioned at one point later that you seemed almost clingy with him at times. Why him and no one else?"

"Because Kendall..." James sighed, trying to figure out how to explain it. "Carlos would probably understand this. Kendall puts off this vibe that he'll take care of you no matter what. You feel safe around him. When I was scared about the future or feeling like I wanted to pull my hair out, it was Kendall I ran to. He makes you feel like everything's gonna be okay."

"Logan doesn't?"

"Logan would agree with me completely on this. And of course I feel safe with Logan, but in our relationship I'm the one who takes care of everyone. Well...that's not true, either. It's hard to explain. As far as day-to-day things like cooking and cleaning and making sure everyone's taken care of, Logan's the one who does that. I'm the strong one, though, more the father figure in our family. I hope he doesn't take offense at this, but he's more the mom. It's more of a balanced thing. Kendall is just a natural leader who steps forward and makes sure everyone's safe. And there was no one else like that for me. I understood exactly why Carlos and Logan gravitated to him, why he was the glue that held them together. He's the glue for all of us now, even though we hardly see each other. Kendall and I talk all the time, he's always there when I need him. He's there for all of us."

"Let's touch briefly on your first date with Logan," Chris said, moving on. "You two had some deep talks."

"We had to. There was a lot to cover, and I wanted to know everything I could about Caroline and about Logan's life. I needed to understand what I was getting into."

"Instead of chasing you away, it only made you fall harder?"

"Yeah. I know Logan was scared it would go the opposite way, but hearing about Caroline and understanding how strong he'd been through everything with Jane, having him open up to me like that...God, I never wanted to let anyone else have this man. He was amazing."

"And the attraction was definitely there."

"Most definitely," James grinned. "We couldn't keep our hands off each other. Still have that problem, you know."

"Good to hear," Chris smiled. "By the time you all went to Hawaii, you'd made your choice, hadn't you?"

"Yes. I knew in San Francisco he was the one. At that point I was just worried about keeping him. I was still scared he would leave, no matter how much he felt for me."

"There was a moment where Kendall and Logan disappeared from the luau together. Did that worry you at all?"

"Not once Ryan explained what happened. He told me Logan got jealous and took off, and that Kendall had gone after him. That fit right in line with their friendship, and I loved that Logan was jealous."

"Why did you like it when Logan was jealous, but not the other guys?"

"Because it was Logan. It was proof that he was feeling what I was, that the thought of me with anyone else was killing him. I loved that. I'm a jealous person by nature, so I understood exactly what he was feeling."

"On that date it was also brought up that you and Ryan weren't very physical together. We know that on your dates alone with him, the two of you held hands and that you had your arm around him a lot, and you did kiss him goodnight. Why the lack of affection in front of others?"

"It wasn't so much that it was in front of others, it was that the spark wasn't there. I hate to say this, but since I'm pretty sure he feels the same way I will. When I kissed Ryan it was like kissing a friend. With most of the other guys, I'd be around them and feel that attraction, that pull to touch them. With him I never really did. We got along really well, but I couldn't imagine making out with him."

"Yet he still lasted until the final four."

"Because I liked him so much. I couldn't bear to send him away until I had to."

Nodding, Chris continued. "Then came Las Vegas and the big blow-up, which we've talked about. When you had your date with Kendall, though, you already knew it was Logan you were going to propose to. Yet you were asking Kendall about his family and kids and his plans for the future."

"I was pretty sure I'd be meeting his family at that point. I knew he would be one of the top four. As for the future...again, as horrible as it sounds, I was still afraid Logan would disappear. Carlos and Kendall both know all this now, we've talked about it, and they don't hold it against me that they were...back-ups, so to speak. But you have to remember the situation I was in. It didn't matter that I'd already made my decision. I couldn't just propose to Logan on the spot and send everyone else away even if I'd wanted to. The contest had to go on until the end, no matter what. And they drilled it into my head day and night, to keep up the suspense and to not show too much favoritism toward one guy even if I already knew who I wanted. It's a television show, and that's the bottom line. At the very end I think we all said 'screw it' to that, we didn't care anymore, but at that point I was still being commanded to show equal interest in everyone. Which I'm horrible at where Logan's concerned. Everyone knew he was my favorite, though I tried not to show it so much around the other guys."

"You failed, James," Chris smirked. "Miserably."

"Yeah, I know," James laughed. "But I tried."

"I think everyone watching wanted to know where you and Logan disappeared to on your group date."

"Oh, that? We uh...got away for a few minutes."

"Uh huh. So Kevin was right? The two of you were hiding out somewhere 'enjoying each others' company?'"

"Chris, come on! The love of my life here! I was going crazy after our date, I was desperate to be alone with him again, and I kept thinking he would leave and I had to take advantage of every moment with him I could! He tried to fight it, didn't want to come after me, but I kept hinting at it so he finally gave in."

"And then you sent Kevin and Dave home because they insinuated that you were being played."

"You saw what happened. I knew by that point the guys weren't sleeping together, but I guess there was always that tiny sliver of fear it could happen. Kevin and Dave spent more time with them than I did, and I couldn't help but wonder what I was missing. They still could've saved themselves, though, if they hadn't made it worse once I got them alone."

"By continuing to accuse you of playing favorites."

"Well, I was. They were right about that. But they kept insisting I was blind to what was right in front of me. They wouldn't let up, and when they started yelling at me that I should just send them home, I did. I wasn't gonna deal with that."

"But James, they were jealous. Just like Logan."

"Logan never made me feel bad for spending time with the other guys. He understood that's how the game was played. Even though it killed him more than the rest, he put up with it. Most of the time."

"You're thinking of the ceremony in Rio, where he stormed out."

James grinned. "Yeah. But I pushed that, so I don't blame him."

"You did it on purpose?"

"It was a test for him and Kendall. They both passed."

"How so?"

"I wanted to know that Kendall would put his feelings for me before his feelings for everyone else. He was uncomfortable, but he allowed it. I also wanted to know that Logan had made a claim on me in his heart, even if he couldn't do it outwardly yet. We'd shared something special on our date, and I needed to know it meant the same thing to him that it did to me."

"But your date in Rio ended early. In fact, you two disappeared from the camera at one point, and then when you came back you ended the date. That baffled the viewers and everyone else, who'd thought the date went well."

"The date went beautifully. It was the best day of my life up to that point."

"So what went wrong that you ended it early?"

James bit his lip and looked at his hands, finally hedging, "We had some things to take care of and needed to get back to the hotel early."

"You never gave him a rose." Lifting an eyebrow, Chris said, "Somehow he had one at the ceremony, though."

Finally James smiled. "Let's just say our date didn't end when I kissed him goodnight at the room. The show's over now, I can say that."

"Ah. So there was more we didn't get to see."

"Like I said. Best night of my life."

Chris smirked. "Now while all this was going on, Kendall and Carlos had their own stolen moment on their outing with Mike and Ryan. You had no idea the two of them had kissed, right?"

"No way. You didn't even know, did you?"

"No, I just found out tonight. Logan didn't know, either?"

"Nope. They kept that from everyone until the end."

"Had you known then, would you have sent them home?"

James opened his mouth and then hesitated. "I...you know what? At that point? Yes. I think I would have. Because I had already decided on Logan and if I'd known they were fighting feelings for each other, I would've let them go to explore that. Definitely."

"Even though you still had feelings for both of them?"

"Chris...here's the thing you have to understand. I had feelings for all of them. My four favorites were of course Ryan, Logan, Kendall, and Carlos. I loved each of them in different ways, and they were all special to me. With Ryan, he's the guy I could talk to for hours, who understood things about me nobody else does, who's just a really nice guy to hang out with. Carlos, he was the fun one. I could be a kid, relax and laugh, just let go and enjoy life, and he let me spoil him, which was great. He's like the brother I never had. With Kendall there was definitely a physical attraction-"

"I don't think anybody could argue that."

"No," James laughed. "He's hot, he was able to match me sexually, he made me feel safe, and he was the romantic guy I'd always dreamed of having one day even though I swore I'd never settle down. But then there's Logan. And Logan...he's basically all of that rolled into one. He satisfies me on every level. The thing is, all of those guys are amazing, and I love them to death. But you put them in a room with Logan? Everyone else disappears. Every single one of them. He steps into a room and there's no one else. I would've sent everyone away for Logan. And if that sounds horrible, I don't care." His voice softened as he added, "He's the love of my life."

The audience of course ate that up, the chorus of "aww" almost deafening. James shrugged. "It's true."

Chris nodded. "Okay, I think everyone would kill me if I didn't ask about Jerry. Other than the proposal, that was probably the most dramatic moment of the entire season. It's the first time we've ever seen the Bachelor punch one of the contestants," Chris chuckled.

"God, Jerry. What a nightmare that was." James rubbed a hand over his face. "But he deserved it."

"Oh, no question. I think my favorite part was Rich, our cameraman, putting the camera down to deck him when he came at you again."

James cracked up. "Rich is the best. That guy saved me so many times."

"So what went wrong? You two were on your date, you spent the day walking the streets of Rio-"

"I knew better than to take him somewhere we'd be alone. He kept trying to get me alone, too, but I knew an hour into it he was going home."

"Because he was so aggressive?"

"That, and I'd realized by then he wasn't at all the kind of man I wanted. He was bored with our date, which I honestly don't blame him for, as I made sure to keep him around other people, and that whole date dragged for me. I just wanted to get through dinner and send him home."

"Why didn't you end it early, then? You could've."

"I don't know, I guess I felt bad. He seemed to really like me and I wanted to make sure I wasn't making a mistake."

"So you had dinner, it was a little awkward, and he was getting annoyed."

"He knew. I know he knew, and he was trying to change my mind. It wasn't working, though. And after dinner I made the mistake of taking him somewhere private to tell him it wasn't going to work and that I was sending him home."

"He got belligerent."

"He did. He started yelling at me that I didn't give him a chance, that if I could look away from Logan and Kendall for five minutes he could show me what I was missing, and when he started insulting Logan that was it."

"Still, you tried to do the right thing and handle it with class."

"Yeah, but he wouldn't stop. When I told him he had to leave, he attacked me, like if he could just fu—uh...have sex with me, that would change my mind. And he was big. I'm a big guy myself, but he was really big and at first I was able to fight him off, but then he overpowered me."

"You did manage to deck him, though."

"Finally, after he had me on the ground. Thank God Rich was there, because I fought Jerry off and punched him, and that really pissed him off so when he came back at me Rich and I double-teamed him. Knocked him unconscious and then I don't know what happened. The limo took him away."

"I can tell you what happened. When he arrived back at the hotel, he was informed that he'd broken the contract and was being flown home on the next flight to the U.S. If he didn't like that, the producers offered the other option of being turned over to the authorities for attempted rape."

"Oh, really?" James beamed. "Nice!"

"Obviously he chose to be flown home and out of the contest entirely." Continuing on, Chris said, "It was a bad ending to a bad date, but you managed to go to bed on a happy note anyway, didn't you?"

"I did." A huge grin on his face, James said, "I'd already hoped to get back early enough to meet with the producers, and once they were done dealing with Jerry, which is what I assume they kept me waiting for, I sat down with them and begged for the proposal location to be changed."

"To Australia."

"To Australia," James agreed. "I wanted to surprise Logan."

"You hadn't even been on your second date with Logan yet."

"No, but like I said. I knew it would be him. I'd already adopted the kangaroo and he kept hounding me about Australia, and..." James shrugged. "Anything for Logan and Caroline."

"The first time you talked to her on the phone, what was that like?"

"Wow. It was...wow. She was this real thing, this adorable little girl and when I called her princess and she asked me to come be her prince...you have kids. You know what it's like."

"Yes," Chris nodded. "I do."

"There's nothing else like it. I wanted to be her hero. I didn't think I was capable or even close to worthy, but I wanted to try so bad. I'd never wanted to be a father before, never really considered it as something I could do, not until I met Logan. But those two...they're my whole world."

"I know you've been in hiding for the past few months while waiting for the show to air, so you haven't done any modeling at all. Have you been with them the whole time?"

"Every single day. I put the L.A. house up for sale today, and we're putting the Wisconsin house up for sale next week. We couldn't move until the final show aired."

"Where are you moving to?"

"We bought a big place in New York, plenty of room for Diamond and Fame."

"New York? Is that a coincidence?"

"It's not," James smiled. "We wanted to be close to Kendall and Carlos, and even though Kendall will only be there some of the time during hockey season, it's become his home."

"So indeed, the friendship has survived."

"The friendship is better than ever."

"Okay, we're getting ahead of ourselves here. Let's get back on track," Chris coaxed. "Las Vegas. The pool party. You seemed ready to crack that night, and the guys were all aware of it and doing what they could to help themselves."

"Crack how?" James asked with a frown.

"The dancing. Everyone was all over you and you weren't fighting it."

"Oh." Blushing, James sat back some and cleared his throat. "Yeah, that was a bad night. I was ready to...well. I was going crazy. Logan knew it and rescued me, knew I was having trouble controlling myself."

"You call that a rescue, James? The two of you ended up going at it in the pool."

"Well, he tried, okay? Everyone thought he was just jealous, but he knew how I could get and tried to help. Unfortunately I discovered that he was jealous, and that only made me hotter."

"Because it was Logan."

"Exactly."

"A little later Kendall expressed some jealousy to you and that was not welcome, though."

"It's not that it wasn't welcome, I did like hearing that because it meant he was putting my feelings over theirs. But for him to be jealous of Logan...he had every right to be. I couldn't say that, though. I got defensive because he was right to be jealous of Logan and I couldn't flat-out say 'Yeah, he's the one I want, get over it.' Part of me wanted to, but at the same time I dreaded hurting Kendall. I did love him."

"You mentioned that night that kissing him was one of your favorite things. Still, that didn't compare to Logan?"

"Not once I'd kissed Logan, no. Kendall is a great kisser, but...you know. It always comes back to Logan. I can't help that."

"After you spoke with Carlos, you directed him to send you anyone but Kendall. Why was that?"

"Because I was so horny! Sorry, I know that's not something you should talk about on prime time television, but I was! And I knew that if Kendall got in there at that moment I'd attack him."

"What about Logan?"

"I had no fear of Logan coming in there. He knew better and waited a while, though he did bring me food." James smiled. "That was so sweet. I love that about him."

"You don't think that was just to check up on you? His insane jealousy?"

"No, I honestly believe he was worried about me not eating. That's just how Logan is. He didn't stay more than a minute."

"When he did go in there, though, you finally had your first encounter with Caroline."

"Yes." Grinning, James said, "We talked about The Lion King. And I promised her I'd teach her how to do flips. And she asked me to be her prince."

"You know, you light up when you talk about her. Her and Logan both."

"Of course I do. That's my family."

"That didn't scare you at all? Knowing she was real?"

"It scared the crap out of me, Chris! I told you, I was terrified I'd ruin her somehow. But it also made me want to meet her. I wished we could just fast-forward the next few weeks until I could get there."

"And after that you and Logan had your first argument about her, about what would become one of your biggest issues: you making her promises you might not fulfill."

"But I knew I would fulfill them. Every single thing I ever promised that little girl, I intended to come through on."

"Logan didn't know that, though, right? He was thinking you could send him home at any minute."

"But I knew. That was enough."

"For you, maybe, but Logan had no way of knowing that. Now that you've lived with her for a while, do you have a better understanding of his fears?"

"Yeah, I do, but...there was never any doubt in my mind. I couldn't tell him that, but he was the one and I knew in my heart I would fulfill all of those promises. It was so hard keeping that to myself, so many times I wanted to just blurt it out, tell him I loved him and that I wanted to spend my life with him. But I couldn't."

Chris moved them on again. "Next stop was back in L.A. You had your one-on-one with Mike, which you seemed to enjoy."

"We had a blast. Every date I went on after my first with Logan was with the knowledge that I wasn't going to end up with anyone else. So I tried to make the rest of the dates fun for everyone, enjoyed spending time with them while I could because I knew it would be Logan in the end. Unless he left, and in that case there was always Kendall. Again, that sounds horrible, I know, but..." Shrugging, James said, "We've talked that out and there are no hard feelings."

"Your next one-on-one date was with Carlos. You made all of his dreams come true in one day, I believe."

"That was my goal. I couldn't get him The Fonz, though. I really wanted to."

The audience laughed, Chris shaking his head. "So through all of this, you say you knew it was Logan."

"Yes."

"But you still kept the guys' hopes up on each date. On this one, for example, Carlos returned from it feeling like he was the one for you. I understand your position, having seen countless Bachelors go through this same thing, and it's tough. You guys are expected to keep your feelings a secret and make sure each contestant believes she, or he in this case, has a shot. But that's how hearts get broken."

"I'm not proud of it, and I didn't like hurting anyone. Especially Carlos, that killed me. But it's like you said, I didn't really have a choice. I'd put myself in that position and they coached me constantly about that, and...yeah. You make the time as wonderful as you can with each guy. That's what I did on that date with Carlos. I enjoyed his company and made sure he had the time of his life."

"What you didn't know, James, that you probably know now, is that Kendall and Carlos had begun sharing a bed at that point. Had you entered the room to find that, what would have been your reaction?"

"Oh, that. Uh..." James took a moment to think back. "I don't think it would've gone over well. Yes, I was dating all of them, but they were there for me. I get it now, seeing Kendall and Carlos together and knowing how they are, I understand why they did it, but at that point in time...I probably would've ended up sending them home that week. For the same reason I mentioned before, because I would've realized that their focus was on each other and they should explore that."

"After all, you had Logan, right?"

"You don't have to make me sound like a jerk, Chris."

"I'm not, James, but we're here tonight to explain your side of the story. And that would be your argument, right? You could safely send them away because you had Logan."

"I guess, but I was also very much encouraged to keep Kendall and Carlos."

"Because you did have strong feelings for them. And it would keep the viewers interested."

"Exactly. If I'd sent them home and been left with Logan and only a few other guys that weren't Kendall and Carlos, people would've stopped watching. They would've known who the winner would be. But still, I would've sent home Kendall and Carlos if I'd known they had feelings for each other."

"Even though that was Carlos' biggest fear?"

"Yes," James nodded. "He would've had Kendall and been fine."

"In the end, though, you hated to do it because sending him home meant you had Kendall."

"Yeah." Looking down, James said softly, "I hated to do that to him. I knew at least that Kendall was a type of security blanket for him, only because he was the same for me and Logan. But in L.A. I still had Logan, so he would've had Kendall to console him."

"Something that was brought up over and over, though not to you, was whether or not you would allow Kendall and Carlos to remain such close friends if you chose one of them. The cuddling, the sharing a bed, that sort of thing. If you'd in fact ended up proposing to Kendall, would you have allowed that between them?"

"Absolutely not. I expect my husband to come to me when he's scared, to cuddle with me and no one else. That's not negotiable."

"Yet you just said that Kendall is a security blanket for Logan."

"I said was. I don't care what they did before Logan and I got engaged, he had every right to find comfort with Kendall when he didn't belong to me. But the moment he did, that all changed. He's mine now. Nobody touches him."

There was silence in the room other than a few whispers among the crowd, but James didn't care. He knew he sounded like a jealous husband but that was, in fact, basically what he was. "Logan understands my feelings perfectly," James finally said.

"Speaking of Logan, you two had quite a moment at the cocktail party the next night."

"Are you gonna badger me about that? Chris, you have no idea how hard it was to keep myself from running away with Logan. All I ever wanted to do was be alone with him, to shut out the world and have him to myself."

"But when you got him alone, that's when things would always escalate."

"I couldn't help it! I told you how it is with him, I kiss him and nothing else exists. And then that night he begged me and how was I supposed to just stop or walk away? Thank God they didn't air everything that happened in that room, I was pretty sure they wouldn't, but yeah—we took it a little too far. I don't regret any of it."

"Okay, let's talk about Kendall. You almost sent him home that night, even though he was the biggest contender other than Logan. Why was that?"

"Because even though I didn't know what was going on between Kendall and Carlos, I knew his focus wasn't on me. I sensed that. On our date in Vegas, things were good. And that's the thing about Kendall. When we were alone, it was great. Get him around others, and I suddenly wasn't the main attraction. I'm not saying I expect to be the only thing that matters, but in a situation like that, I should've come first. I did with everyone else, but not Kendall. I knew his heart wasn't where it was supposed to be."

"But in the end you gave him a rose."

"I wasn't ready to give up on him yet. I was close, but not quite there. You know...security blanket and all," James laughed.

"And then came Rio."

"Rio." James chuckled. "Everything went crazy in Rio."

"It started with a visit from Kendall, in which he rededicated himself to you."

"Yeah. I thought he was coming to tell me he'd decided to leave."

"That seemed to shake you up."

"It did! Like I said, I wasn't ready to lose him. I still feared Logan would disappear, and if that happened, I would need Kendall more than ever. The funny thing is, I always felt like if Logan did disappear, and I did end up needing Kendall, that would solve the problem of me not being his focus. Because he seemed to gravitate toward those who needed him most. So once Logan did, in fact, leave, it was Kendall I ran to, and he reacted exactly how I knew he would. He was there for me."

"He was trying to get over Carlos at that point."

"I didn't know that, though. He was there for me, that's all I knew. And he always would be."

"You made sure Kendall knew what was expected of you, though, as far as dedication and loyalty."

"In Rio, you mean? Yeah. I was torn, I wanted to keep him around, but if he wasn't going to change, then it was best he went home. I knew I didn't have any dates left with him until hometown and so in that little time we did have together, which was almost nothing, I had to make sure he understood what I expected of him."

"Here's something I was wondering," Chris tossed out. "Because I watched you from the beginning and I noticed things on playback. With Kendall and Jerry, there was a physical attraction for sure. On dates or even just stolen moments at cocktail parties, you managed to kiss them plenty. After San Francisco, though, and your date with Logan, your physical interactions with the other guys began to wane. You went from kissing everyone when you could to only giving goodnight kisses and sometimes, as in the case with Carlos in Las Vegas, you discouraged the physical advances. How much of that was due to Logan and your feeling that he had a claim on you?"

"Uh...all of it, basically. Kendall and Jerry, I had a hard time resisting them because physically, yeah—there was a lot of attraction. Up until Rio, I was still able to not let it bother me too much. On my second date with Kendall, we kissed plenty. There was definitely the attraction. All the other guys, though...even Mike. When I kissed them I felt wrong. After Rio I knew I was in trouble, because Logan and I had bonded so completely that I couldn't stand the thought of being with anyone else. We still had overnight dates coming up and I didn't know how I was gonna do it, when I could hardly stand to kiss anyone else. Kendall was the only one who could get me even close to that, and even with him I couldn't go through with it. It wasn't shown on the show, but when I visited his family we had a moment together that I stopped. I was testing myself to see if I could go through with it, and I couldn't. All I kept seeing was Logan's face. It pissed me off, in a way, but it also showed me I was on the right track."

"So by the time you had your date with Jerry, were you even attracted to him?"

"Not really, no. It was getting harder and harder to even kiss anyone besides Logan, and when Jerry kept trying to push things all it did was make me mad."

"So you had that nightmare of a date, and then the next day you had Logan."

James' lips curved into a smile. "All to myself. It was fantastic."

"Well, you did share him with Caroline that morning."

"I did! We had another phone call, and I was going crazy wanting to meet her. She was so excited about her animal parade and riding Sunshine and watching movies with me and I just...God, I love that kid. I wanted to fly Logan home right then and there and spend the day with them."

"Instead you spent the day with Logan alone, and the two of you fell more in love."

"It was magical. That whole day was magical, Chris. He told me he loved me. I'd sensed it, but hearing it...I wanted to tell him so bad, it killed me that I couldn't."

"I think you two found a way to communicate that to each other anyway."

"We found a lot of ways to communicate that to each other. Still, he kept talking like it was never gonna happen again, and begging for just one perfect night with me."

"We've seen what happens when Logan begs you for something."

Blushing, James nodded. "Yeah, Caroline's not the only one I can't say no to."

"So after you took him back to his room, there was...a part two to the date?"

"Something like that," James hedged.

"How did you manage it without anyone knowing?"

"I'm not answering that. I'm sorry."

"Can you at least share with us what the night entailed?"

"We fell more in love. We shared new experiences. I never wanted the night to end. There's not much more to say."

Chris tilted his head. "You are probably the Bachelor who has shared the least with me. I'm not offended, I know you're that kind of guy who keeps things to himself, but it was hard for me because usually they don't have anyone else to talk to, so they come to me."

"I'm sorry, I bonded with Rich. The guy was with me everywhere I went and he became like a brother to me. If it hadn't been for him, I probably would've gone crazy."

"Or talked to me."

"Or talked to you," James agreed with a laugh.

"So the next day, Logan came to me and asked to speak with you. I immediately feared he was going home, and it was obvious you were afraid of the same thing."

"Oh my god. Don't even remind me."

"You were shaking, James."

"I was...after the night we'd had? More in love than ever, and he comes to me out of the blue and all I could think was if I lost him, I didn't know what I'd do."

"Even Rich was worried."

"I know! I was so pissed at Logan for scaring me like that."

"But he only wanted you to call Caroline with him."

"Thank God. It's weird, because he did end up leaving later, and I survived it, but when he came to me that day I felt like I'd die if he left."

"Did you feel that way when he did leave?"

"I was numb when he left. I felt like..." James shook his head, eyes downcast. "I can't even talk about it. I know you're going to ask me about it but I can't even...that was the worst time of my entire life. I'd finally found what I was looking for, without even know how badly I'd wanted it. I had everything. And it was suddenly gone. I wanted to die, Chris. That night, after Logan left, I literally wanted to die. Rich didn't leave me alone the whole night."

"I imagine that was hard for Logan to see you like that, because even though you weren't filmed too much after Logan left, Rich did get you talking a little for the camera the next morning. It wasn't a pretty sight."

"They made him. He didn't want to, but they made him force me to talk about it. I didn't even want to get out of bed that day."

"But you did, for your date with Kendall. As you'd predicted, you ran to Kendall."

"There was a show to put on. I didn't have a choice. And yeah—I ran to Kendall."

"Once again, we're jumping ahead. After Rio was the hometown week. You went to New York first, to visit Carlos, and you seemed to have a good time with him."

"Of course, it's Carlos," James laughed. "Told you, I always have a good time with him."

"He was nervous to have you meet his family, very afraid they would chase you away."

"His family's great, he had nothing to worry about. Though his dad did scare the living daylights out of me a few times. He thought it was funny."

"So did our viewers," Chris chuckled. "Even then, though, as you no doubt saw when the show aired, Carlos was having a tough time concentrating on anything but Kendall."

"Yeah, he said something once, called a doll 'Kendall' at one point...that was weird. I think that was probably my first inkling that there was maybe something there. And then when he was wanting me to pass on that message, like he was afraid Kendall wouldn't want to see him again. I was lost, I thought they would be buddies forever."

"But still you weren't suspicious?"

"You know, everybody keeps asking me that, like I'm stupid. Maybe I was, I don't know, but the bottom line is all I could see was Logan. He missed it, too! The genius missed it! He had his suspicions, but he didn't see it because his focus was on me. So if we're stupid, oh well. We were in love."

"You seemed confused by the question Carlos' father asked you. He wanted to know if you loved Carlos enough."

"Yeah, at the time...I didn't get it."

"You do now?"

"I do," James nodded. "Had Logan's mother asked me the same question, I would have answered without hesitation. Because even if I didn't quite get what she meant, I loved him enough for anything. However she might've meant it, it was enough. Coming from Carlos' dad, though...I didn't get it."

"That seemed to bother you."

"Of course it bothered me. I felt like he didn't think I was worthy of Carlos. Looking back, I wasn't. He had every right to doubt my devotion to his son. At the time, though, I just got mad."

"You went to Kendall next, and really seemed to bond with his mother."

"I love his mom! She's seriously become a mom to me. I call her once a week now."

"Really?"

"Yes! I can't wait to see her, we're throwing a big party for Caroline's birthday and she's coming with Glenn and Katie. I finally get to meet Glenn! Carlos and Logan are excited to meet them, too."

"In the final episode, you mentioned to Kendall that his mother helped you make that final decision. How so?"

"Because she helped me understand what true love is. Even though I knew Logan was the one I wanted, and I knew I was in love with him, there was that fear that I was making a mistake. Not by loving him, but...what if I was going to ruin his life by choosing him and he was passing up someone better for him and Caroline?"

"Like Kendall, maybe?"

"I don't know, maybe. I still felt like I wasn't good enough. And I did have feelings for both Carlos and Kendall, so there was a little confusion there. She helped me understand that it was in fact Logan I needed. That what I felt for him was real love and not some weird obsession. Because I think we can all agree by that time I was a little obsessed."

When the audience laughed, Chris nodded. "I'd say so, yeah. It doesn't mean you were crazy, though."

"Crazy for him. But she was wonderful, she really wanted her son to find love and wanted it to be me, but at the same time she didn't pressure me about it. She encouraged me to do what felt right, even if it wasn't her son that I would choose. That meant so much to me."

"Then you had Katie, who was going out of her way to make you feel unwelcome."

"She was looking out for Kendall. I can't fault her for that. She knew it even before Kendall did, that it was Carlos he needed. Without even meeting Carlos, she knew that. So of course she's gonna discourage me."

"And she apparently also knew you had your heart set on Logan."

"She's smart. That's why I refused to talk about Logan with her, because if I did, she would've seen right through me and known I was totally in love."

Nodding, Chris moved them along. "I'm sure we could talk for hours about your visit with Logan and Caroline, but we'll just touch on a few things. It's obvious how you felt that day, that Caroline stole your heart in the first few seconds you met her and spending time with them together cemented your decision to choose Logan."

"It did and it didn't," James differed. "It made me want it more than anything, to be part of that family and to be a father to her, but it also made it real. Showed me how little I was prepared for something like that."

"She loved you right away."

"And I loved her. But I didn't know if I was capable of giving her what she needed."

"You were willing to try, though."

"Nothing was gonna stop me. Except, of course, Logan telling me himself I wasn't good enough."

After a moment, Chris said, "You seemed to do pretty well with it. I think the moment you were most uncomfortable was when she asked if you were going to marry her daddy."

"Yeah, what was that? I was not prepared for that!"

"Logan wasn't either, obviously," Chris laughed. "That's how kids are, they say things you don't expect and you have to scramble to answer the question without lying. It's tough. You mentioned later that it was hard being in that house, feeling Jane's ghost everywhere."

"It was. I knew I could never replace her, and it wasn't like I was trying but at the same time I kind of was. I was stepping into being a second parent, and it's hard trying to live up to that. I knew I wouldn't be as good at it as she was. And Caroline kept bringing her up, which wasn't so bad except that one time Logan said he'd bring her back if he could. I mean...that's not fair of me to get upset over, but can you blame me? He was basically saying if she was still here, he'd choose her over me. Now, we've since talked about that, and when I told him how much that hurt, he said I took it wrong. That yes, he would bring her back for Caroline and because he missed her, but not as his wife. He says he realizes now that he wasn't as happy as he always thought he was, because now he knows what it can be like and what he was missing and that he wouldn't be satisfied with a woman anymore. Not even Jane. So uh...that helped. A lot."

"You two did argue a few times that day. Most of it had to do with Caroline and Jane."

"He didn't like that I was making her promises again. He was afraid I wasn't going to come through with it, and he was right to be worried about that because I couldn't tell him I had every intention of following through on everything. I did tell him I loved him that day, though. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I think that helped some."

"You told Caroline that you loved him, too. Really, James, you were horrible at keeping your feelings to yourself regarding Logan."

James shrugged, unconcerned. "Love of my life."

"Logan admitted that day that he knew you loved him, said he'd known it since Rio. His biggest fear was that you loved the rest just as much, though. Watching it from the outside, anyone could see that your feelings for everyone else came nowhere near your feelings for him, but none of the contestants were able to gauge that. How frustrating was it for you to keep your mouth shut and not tell him it was him you were going to pick?"

"It was torture, Chris. Every time he said he loved me, every time he hinted that I might choose someone else over him, I wanted to pull my hair out. But I wasn't allowed to say anything! I said so much more than I was supposed to as it was, but if I'd said that...I don't even know what they would've done. Probably sat us down and had a meeting and said we had to pretend it hadn't happened and Logan was still clueless, I don't know. Either way, it was torture to watch him suffer that fear of knowing he might lose me, especially after I met Caroline and she loved me. Bringing me home to her was a huge step for him, and he had to place a lot of trust in me. I know he was scared. But if you think that was hard, imagine how I felt when Caroline asked if she'd ever see me again. That right there was enough to kill me."

"Because you wanted to say yes?"

"That, and because I was terrified Logan would decide I wasn't good enough and back out. I knew I had every intention of being part of that family, but I couldn't tell them that, and Logan could still decide it wasn't going to work. Which...you know. He did. And I had that fear with me always. When she would ask me to come back and see her, I kept wanting to hold on and never let go. Because I knew Logan could still change his mind. There was nothing I feared more."

"I think probably my favorite moment of the entire season was watching you and Caroline in that castle in her room."

"Really?" James smiled. "Even better than the end, where she appeared on the beach?"

"Well, that was pretty special, too, but I think we saw a side of you that we hadn't seen before in that castle. I think every viewer in America knew in that moment you'd made up your mind and wanted to be a daddy to that little girl. You didn't know it then, but Logan realized it, too. He had to leave and compose himself."

"Yeah, he told me that when we were watching. Said he was overwhelmed with sadness at letting go of Jane but that he finally did in that moment, he finally believed it was going to happen and I was going to be his husband."

"It was a touching scene," Chris agreed. "After dinner you two had another fight. It was obviously his comment about bringing Jane back that upset you so much, but it seemed like that was the catalyst for a lot of things to come out into the open."

"We were both so scared, Chris. We were starting to understand that this might actually happen but we were scared it would all disappear or even worse, that it wouldn't and it would be a mistake. He started pushing me toward the other guys again and I started arguing with him about that and it was just a big mess and the next thing I knew Caroline was asking me to promise to come back and see her and it was too much, it was all too much. I'm honestly not surprised our next date ended the way it did, we were both so ready to snap from the pressure of it all and the fear. I thought it would be best if I just left right then for the night, but I didn't want to, and Logan didn't want me to, and so I stayed and we ended up having a perfect family moment. I wanted to do that every night for the rest of my life."

"We didn't get to see your goodbyes to them, unfortunately."

"Poor Rich. He was having a bad night with his camera. Both his batteries were dead."

Chris smirked but said, "I imagine you and Logan said goodbye without fighting anymore that night?"

"Actually, I ended up talking to Caroline some more. I said an official goodbye to her and to Logan. Leaving that night was difficult. I didn't want to."

"But you had to see Ryan the next day."

Nodding, James said, "That was a fun time, we spent the day cruising the old neighborhood before I met his family."

"And he kept saying things like 'Mike would love this place' or 'I told Mike I was gonna bring him here one day.'"

"Yes!" James laughed. "He couldn't help himself, but that was okay because if you noticed, I kept saying the same sort of things."

"About Logan and Caroline, yes."

"We both knew at that point it wasn't going to happen. He was crazy over Mike, though he'd done a damn good job of hiding that from me."

"To be fair to Ryan, I don't think he really figured it out until Mike left."

"Kind of like Carlos and Kendall, how it hit them harder once they were apart."

"Exactly," Chris agreed. "So we watched you two rediscover your childhood and make all these plans to bring Mike and Logan and Caroline to visit one day."

"We didn't mean to do that. It just...you know. That's where our hearts were. When I said goodbye to him at the rose ceremony, he wasn't surprised. We were cool with each other."

"You even told him when you walked him out to follow his heart. You knew where he was going."

"He was sad, because he really did have feelings for me and had thought maybe we could work, and I was sad too in a way, but I knew he loved Mike. I told him to go for it. And I'm so glad it worked out, they seem really happy."

"There's not too much more to say about your overnight dates with Carlos and Logan. Carlos was devastated when you didn't invite him to stay, though."

"I know. He'd been begging for that since the beginning, and I felt so bad. I almost wanted to invite him anyway, just so I didn't hurt him, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. He kept trying to make out with me during the movie and it just felt wrong. All I could see was Logan."

"If you'd had your date with Kendall before the one with Logan, would you have invited him to stay?"

"No. I thought maybe Kendall could convince me to, if anyone could it would be him. But it had gotten to the point where I could barely kiss anyone without feeling like I was cheating on Logan. That's what sucks about a situation like this. You have to keep playing the game even when you don't want to."

"So what happened on your date with Logan? It seemed to be going perfectly, and within a matter of minutes it was over. You two were so in love, and everything was going according to plan, and then it was like an explosion—just like that, he was gone. How did it escalate so fast?"

"It's like I said earlier. We were both so scared. It was real. It was gonna happen. I knew it, he knew it, and we had both been so afraid to believe it was going to happen that when we knew it was and started thinking it all through, making these plans, it just...I don't know. After I left their house the week before, all I could think about was them and our future and I started looking into things and making plans and maybe that was my downfall, maybe I should have discussed it all with Logan first, but we didn't have that kind of time. I was getting used to the idea of being a dad, and learning what all it would involve and I was excited, I had these visions for Caroline, and Logan wasn't ready for that. He panicked, and so did I, and...well. You saw what happened."

"You just let him go, though. I think that was more shocking than him leaving, the fact that you didn't really try to stop him."

"He said everything I was already feeling. My biggest fear was not being good enough, Chris. Of ruining that child's life. I was willing to try, to do anything, but for Logan to tell me I wasn't ready...that was exactly what I was afraid of, that I wasn't ready. Who would know that better than him, as her father? I'd been dreading that moment since the beginning, had somehow known it would happen, that I'd lose him, and then suddenly it did. If Logan felt I wasn't good enough, then I wasn't good enough."

"You two brought that upon yourselves, with your lack of communication. Why didn't you express that, that you were afraid?"

"I did. In Wisconsin, I told him that. He knew how scared I was. What I didn't know is that he was scared, too. I think if we'd had more time, if we weren't in this situation where it was all crammed together into a few weeks, we might've avoided the blow-up, but it all happened so fast and suddenly I was going to be a dad and he was going to have a partner and it was too much. We let the pressure get to us. We were stupid, but everything happens for a reason."

"And what reason do you think this happened for, James?"

"To show us we can't live without each other. That our doubts were stupid and what matters most is that we love each other enough to make it work. Since he proposed to me, we've never looked back. We don't have any doubts anymore. Sure, we make mistakes here and there, but there's never once been a point where we questioned whether this was the right thing. It just is."

Sudden applause from the audience surprised both James and Chris. "Obviously they agree with you," Chris smiled.

"When it's right, it's right," James grinned.

"We're running out of time because we still need to get Logan out here, but let's talk for a moment about your overnight date with Kendall. We don't know what happened behind closed doors, but I think it's safe to assume the two of you spent the night together? Kendall pretty much confirmed that earlier in the show."

"Yes, we...yeah. Definitely did."

"So once Logan was gone, all bets were off?"

"Exactly. I didn't care anymore, I just wanted to forget the pain for a few hours."

"And you didn't know this then, but he was trying to forget Carlos, as well."

"We were both in a bad place. I don't regret anything."

"No? Not at all?"

"No."

"Was that hard on Logan?"

"Uh...you'll have to ask him."

"Why don't we bring him out now?"

Chris stood up to greet Logan, who had been standing backstage with Carlos and Kendall watching. After Kendall gave him a shove, Logan made his way onto the stage, James stepping out to meet him halfway as they held each other for a moment, Logan nodding when James whispered something to him, and then James nodding when Logan whispered something in return. James went back to his seat and Logan lowered himself into the chair next to it, James reaching out to pull it closer before taking Logan's hand. When the audience laughed, James shrugged. "I like him close to me."

Logan blushed but smiled at James. "Hi, Chris."

"Logan, welcome." He shook Logan's hand before being seated again. "You've been listening to all of this, I take it?"

"Yeah, from backstage."

"So you know what I asked James. How hard was it for you to know James spent the night with Kendall?"

"I had no right to be upset, I'd walked away."

"That's not an answer, Logan."

James started to speak but Logan squeezed his hand as if to say it was fine. "It was very hard. I was extremely upset but knew I had no right to be, so it wasn't worth getting angry over."

"When you left, you didn't think you'd ever see James again."

"No."

"How long was it before you realized you'd made a mistake?"

"About an hour," Logan replied, biting his lip.

"An hour? You could've gone back!"

"He let me go, Chris. He didn't put up a fight. If he had, I probably never would've even stepped into that limo."

"Is that what you wanted from him? To fight for you?"

"No, that wasn't my intention. In that moment, I honestly felt it wasn't going to work between us. I wasn't okay with him making decisions about Caroline."

"But an hour later you were?"

"Chris, he made a mistake," James interrupted. "We both did."

"It's fine, love, let him talk." Logan sighed, returning to the conversation. "An hour later I still wasn't okay with him making decisions about my daughter, but I knew I couldn't live without him. I was dead inside."

"All you had to do was say the word and we would've driven you to him."

"I know," Logan nodded. "But since he let me go so easily, I thought maybe it was for the best. Maybe he'd had a chance to think everything over and thought it would be easier if he went with Kendall."

"He was looking into schools for her. Wanted to put her in gymnastics."

"I wasn't thinking clearly, Chris. I was a wreck. I just...I made a mistake."

"And it all worked out," James reminded them. "That's all that matters, he's here with me now."

"What happened over the next week, Logan? Everyone assumed you'd been flown back to L.A., but you instead flew to Australia with the show. How did that come about?"

"Once it had all set in, I knew Kendall was going to win. I thought about it, knew Kendall wouldn't be able to console Carlos the way he'd want to, and I was feeling pretty bad by that point myself. I figured by the time Carlos was rejected, I'd be a wreck and need someone, too. So I asked for a meeting and begged them to let me be there for Carlos. They were still shocked I'd left at all, and I think were hoping I'd change my mind and come back. That would bring up ratings. So they allowed it and flew me to Australia."

"In a separate plane than Carlos and Kendall."

"Yes. I didn't know it at the time, but James was on my plane."

James nodded. "If we'd known...things would've gone a lot differently."

"So the whole time James was meeting with his family and going on dates with Carlos and Kendall, you were stuck in a hotel room. The same hotel where Carlos and Kendall were staying," Chris coaxed.

"Yep," Logan answered. "It was hell. I talked to Caroline once a day, but otherwise had no contact with anyone really. I was sworn to stay hidden, though again—I think they hoped I would break the rules and go charging in."

"What about before we all flew to Australia?" Chris asked. "In England. You were still there, knowing James was on his overnight date with Kendall."

"I didn't know that for sure. I knew he'd had his date with Carlos but I didn't know if he'd had it with Kendall yet."

"You seemed bothered by that, assumed he'd slept with Carlos."

Logan didn't answer, James speaking instead. "He did assume that."

"Was that part of why you left, Logan? You thought he'd, in essence, cheated on you?"

"I knew he was going to sleep with them. I couldn't stop it."

"But he didn't."

"I didn't know that."

"Why didn't you ask?"

"Because I couldn't, Chris. Not in that situation. I had no right."

"I would've told you the truth," James said softly.

"I didn't want to know the truth," Logan replied. "I couldn't stand it. I'm sorry."

With a smile James leaned over and kissed Logan's cheek. "Don't be. I love that about you."

That brought a grin out of Logan, as well as an "aww" from the audience.

"Okay," Chris continued. "You spent all that time alone and had time to think. When did you decide to try to win him back?"

"A few days before. I decided that if he proposed to Kendall, I'd let go. Because it was obviously what he wanted, and-"

"I never wanted that," James interrupted.

"I know that now, but then I didn't. You'd given me your heart and said it would always be mine, but if you married Kendall...I would know it wasn't anymore. If you could marry someone else, then he had your heart."

"I thought I could do it, too. Even with you still having my heart, I thought I could marry Kendall."

"But you couldn't," Logan said in a voice just above a whisper.

James shook his head, eyes fastened to Logan's. "You were all I wanted."

Logan couldn't refrain from a kiss, leaning in slowly while Chris sighed and the audience melted. "I warned you guys," he said. "They're worse than Kendall and Carlos."

"Sorry." Logan sat back, flushed.

"I'm not," James grinned.

"We saw the events unfold on the beach. Logan, were you afraid he wouldn't take you back?"

"Terrified. I broke his heart, I didn't deserve a second chance."

"James, were you scared to open your heart up to him again?"

"Terrified," James laughed, echoing Logan. "I was so tempted to just say yes to anything he wanted, whatever he asked I would go along with and that kind of scared me, but...I made sure he knew I wasn't going to get into this unless I could be the father I wanted to be."

"And how has that worked out? Do you two ever argue at all?"

"Who, us?" James joked. "Never."

"Hush," Logan chuckled. "We argue all the time, but it's never anything that would break us up. We're in this for the long haul and we know that no matter what happens during the day, at the end of the night we'll go to bed together and be thankful to have each other."

"What do you two argue about most?"

"It's always the same thing," Logan smirked. "He spoils her."

"Hey, I've gotten better!" James argued. "Just yesterday, she asked me for a cookie at bedtime and I said no."

Logan's eyebrows shot up. "Did you really?"

"Yes, love. I did. I told her if she went to sleep I would make sure she got a cookie with her breakfast."

There was silence as Logan digested that, and then, "So when I went to get dressed this morning..."

"She got a cookie. Yes. But not until she'd finished her omelet," James added hurriedly. "I made sure of that first. See, babe? I'm learning."

Logan smiled. "Actually, you're doing wonderful with her. I don't know how I did it before. You are such a help around the house and with Caroline and when I get stressed you're right there for me and I'm just so lucky. I came so close to losing you, I was such an idiot."

"It doesn't matter." Leaning closer, James touched his lips to Logan's. "I'm here now. And I'm not going anywhere."

"James," Chris jumped in. "What about the modeling? Is that done?"

"No. In fact, once we move I'm getting back into it some. Not as much, of course, but I've been in hiding at the house in all this time so there's been none of it. It's been good for us, we've gotten to know each other better and figured out how to make it work. It's not always easy."

"You've been known to do some racy photo shoots in the past. Will that change now that you have a daughter to raise? How does Caroline affect your image?"

Logan raised an eyebrow, impressed by the question from Chris.

James licked his lips, considering. "I hadn't thought about it. I can't do anything she'd be ashamed of, either now or later in life. She...wow. That changes things."

"How?" Logan asked. "I never wanted you to give up doing what you love. That was one of my issues in the beginning, that you'd suffer for me. Don't."

"I'd still model, babe. I'm not giving that up. I'm at a point in my career now where I can choose what I want to do, not have to take every job that's offered to me. There are fashion shows I can do, things of that-"

"Or you can start singing again," Logan interrupted.

"Or you can go back to med school," James countered immediately.

The two stared at each other in challenge until Chris asked, "I take it this is something the two of you argue over?"

"We don't argue about it," Logan replied. "But I suggested to him since we're moving to New York that he can get involved in singing and acting again; it's his first love."

"As is your dream of being a neurosurgeon, love. There's no reason you can't go back to school once we move."

"There's no reason you can't get into Broadway. I've heard you sing, you're amazing."

"I will if you will," James said suddenly, gripping Logan's hand tighter. "We can do this together."

Chris allowed them to gaze at each other again, communicating silently, before breaking in. "The media is going to be all over the two of you now that it's known you're together. Logan, your tragic past has already been in magazines across the nation. How do you plan to deal with that, with the attention both you and Caroline will be bombarded with now?"

"I won't lie, it's a little scary. One of the first things James and I talked about in the beginning was that I didn't want Caroline being exposed to all of that, but I did it myself by coming onto the show. All we can do is try to shield her."

James nodded. "Which is another reason I won't be modeling as much. If I get into Broadway, I might give it up altogether. I don't know yet. I think we have a lot to talk about, babe."

"I think we do," Logan agreed, smiling. "Our lives might be about to change even more than we thought."

"As long as we're together, we can handle it. You, me, and our daughter. That's all I need."

"You've got it," Logan whispered, and again they kissed, Chris shaking his head.

"I think we're about done here. As you can all see, they're still happy and I'd say a marriage is definitely in the works down the road. Thank you both for coming out tonight, and for bringing us an exciting season of 'The Bachelor.'"

"No," Logan said, pulling away from James. "Thank you, Chris. All of you, for this show and for bringing me the perfect man. It was hell at times, and it almost broke me, but I'd do it all again to have James Diamond by my side."

"Always," James said softly, tilting Logan's chin up for a quick kiss, and as Logan returned it he was once again grateful he'd had the courage to take that leap with James.