*I do not own the rights to the characters, all rights to the characters belongs to E.L James*

AN: I know I have been one for so long! Firstly let me start off by saying thank you for sticking with me. I know that this chapter has been a long wait and I truly apologize. Things with school got really crazy and I needed to finish off the semester strong. Now I am finally done with school for the summer and should have more time to dedicate to writing this story. Secondly, I would never give up on this story without sending out some sort of notification to everyone. I am sorry if I have given that impression but I just wanted to reassure everyone that I am not giving up. Thirdly, I have not written in so long this may be a little rusty. Lastly, please do remember to review, PM, follow, and favorite! I really enjoy writing back to everyone. Also, I have come up with another story but I don't think that I am going to dive further into that until I have more of a hold on this one. Hopefully when I do start that one you will also like that one too. Thanks so much for the support and sorry for such a long wait.

SN: I will admit that I didn't really proof read this much because its almost 4am and I really wanted to get a chapter out to everyone. But I will go over this again tomorrow. Sorry about that.

xA

Chapter 38: Four Letters

Now that I am ready to go back to his apartment I am starting to feel nervous and unfortunately I know exactly why I feel that way. Today's revelations have opened up a huge can of insecurities. I huge part of me feels that I might not be enough for the man that I am falling hopelessly in love with. I have tried to tell myself that the idea of being with him is absolutely bizarre. However, no matter how many times I mentally try and withdraw myself from the situation, I find myself getting pulled in closer. So instead of trying to procrastinate any longer my attempting to talk myself out of this situation, I am just going to go over there and give this a shot. After I have finally shut off all of the lights in my apartment, gathered all of my things, and have shut the door I am now greeted by Taylor waiting by my front door.

"Oh!" I reply in a shocked tone "Taylor, what are you doing here? I wasn't expecting you."

" sent me down here to escort you back up to the apartment when you were ready." He replies simply.

"Of course he did." I reply while rolling my eyes. I should have expected nothing less from the Master of Control himself.

After exchanging pleasantries, he and I make our way back towards Christians apartment. When we have finally arrived at his apartment, I am greeted with nothing but silence.

"It's so quiet in here… are you sure that he still wanted me to come up?" I ask feeling slightly uneasy.

"I am positive ma'am. He asked me to tell you to meet him in his bedroom once you returned to the apartment."

"Oh… Well I guess this is goodnight then."

"Yes it is. Goodnight ." He replies before he heads off into another direction of the penthouse that I have never seen before.

Now that I am up here, I have no choice but to just face the music. I start off towards the direction of Christians room and I am still greeted with the defining silence of the penthouse. However, as I get closer to his bedroom door I can hear the faint sound of a shower running in the background. As I open the door the leads to his bedroom, the sounds of the water spewing out of the showerhead becomes even louder. Knowing that he is there… in the shower… naked does things to me. Even though I would love nothing more than to go in there and have my wicked way with him, the rational part of my brain wins. I know that I came here for a reason and I will never be able to have some mental peace without talking to him. While he is in the shower, I set my things down on the end table that is next to the side of the bed that I usually sleep on when I spend the night at Christians. After I get my things situated on the nightstand I make my way under the covers of his bed. As I continue to get further into his sheets my nostrils become filled with one of my most recent favorite scents: Christian. I can't help but close my eyes and snuggle my face further into his pillows as his scent continues to take over mine.

"Well don't you look comfortable." I hear from behind me after inhaling his scent for the millionth time. I was completely unaware that he had already finished his shower. As I turn around to reply, I am greeted with a very sexy sight: a freshly showered Christian. It is obvious that he has just gotten out of the shower because his hair is soaking wet as he tries to dry it down with a towel. He is also in a pair of grey sweatpants that hang deliciously low on his hips. If it weren't for this particular situation I would probably be climbing him like a tree right now. I shake my head to rid myself of the extremely tempting thoughts that are starting to take over my mind.

"Sorry about that. I didn't know how long you were going to be in the shower so I figured that I might as well make myself comfortable while you were freshening up." I tell him as he continues to walk further into the room.

"That's completely fine with me, I wanted you here to begin with." he says as he gets closer to the bed. Once he is finally by the bed, he walks his side and hops in. At first I expect him to say something… anything. But for a while he remains quite. I start to say something to kill the awkward silence between the two of us when I am interrupted by the sound of his voice.

"Are you feeling ok?" He asks shyly. Christian being shy? This is strange.

"Yeah I think so… While I was in the shower I actually had a moment to mull some things over."

"I didn't know that she was going to do this. If I had known that she was dating Logan and was just coming there to antagonize you I would have put a stop to it."

"I know, but it is not your fault. Logan has always been a man of surprises. I should have known that his most recent betrayal would have been thrown back in my face at some point."

"I can't let you take the blame for this one Anastasia. I am a man who does everything within my power to achieve control. I should have done my research on him and his mistress after the two of your ended your relationship to determine if she would become a threat." He says more harshly.

"Christian you can't take responsibility of the fact that the that woman is crazy. What kind of self respecting woman impersonates a person who is interested in a job just to sabotage the interview because she feels that her husband is straying." I reply while turning myself towards him.

"Does she have a reason to believe that her suspicions are true." He asks while his jaw tenses.

"How the hell would I know? I haven't spoken to Logan since we broke up. I certainly haven't reached out to him so I don't know what he does when I'm not around." I reply in a slightly insulted term. What the hell is he trying to imply?

"I don't know Anastasia." I says while running his hands through his hair roughly. "All I know is that before today I thought that you were completely over him. Until today when that woman went fucking crazy in my office you were distraught… You seemed more upset that when I found you leaving the Mile High after the two of you broke up. You were so fucking mad at me, for a good reason I might add, but we were not talking. I don't know what you were up to over the course of those days and after seeing how you reacted… I don't know it I want to know." He says while shaking his head.

"What the hell is that suppose to mean?!" I say while raising my voice. This is definitely not how I expected this conversation to go. "Christian I haven't spoken to Logan since we broke up and I did not and still do not intend on having any contact with him once so ever. What the hell are you trying to imply right now."

"Do you still love him?" I says while his nostrils begin to flair.

"No, I don't." I reply just as strongly.

"Then why did you react that way? I was expecting you to be upset but you were damn near hysterical Ana. I didn't know what else to think except that you still loved him." He says in an exasperated tone. This conversation is going completely left. I came up here with the intention of telling him that I loved him and instead he thinks that I still love my ex! My cheating and apparently good for nothing ex boyfriends of 6 years. A part of me just wants to scream at him! Scream at him for being so blind and not realizing that my reaction had everything to do with him and not Logan. But the larger and much more rational part of me recognizes that he has never been put in this situation before. He has no idea how to know what I am feeling unless I tell him. Here goes nothing.

"Christian." I say while shaking my head. "My reaction today had everything to do with you… I don't feel anything for Logan." I reply while looking back into his eyes. Usually when I look at him he seems so sure of himself, now he looks everything but sure.

"What do you mean it had everything to do with me? I hate to admit it but I am completely out of my arena here."

"Gosh this is so complicated to explain." I reply in hushed tone.

"Well try." He says while picking me up and setting me into a straddling position on his lap. I silently nod my head while trying to think of the best way to tell him what I am thinking. Before I came up here I was pretty set on what I was going to say and now that I am actually here, my mind seems to be in shambles. Suddenly, I feel his hands starting make small circles along my back. Also immediately, I start to feel myself relax.

"Firstly, I am sorry that I went into full blown hysterics in the middle of an interview. Fake or not I should have at least tried to maintain my composure." As I am saying this his brows start to crease, I know he is seconds away from interrupting me. I quickly place my hands onto his mouth in order to silence him before I lose my confidence to say that I have needed to say. "Just let me finish. Then you can say whatever you want. I just don't want to lose my nerve while I still have the courage to say what I want to say." He quietly nods his head,allowing me to continue.

"Secondly, I will admit that part of me was upset that he could do that to me. I knew that he was a cheater… but I never thought that he would actually marry someone while still marrying me. To be honest I could not even picture him marrying someone because we had been together for 6 years and not once had he ever proposed to me. We would talk about taking the next steps several times and every time we would have that kind of a conversation he would find a different excuse. So imagine my surprise when this woman walks into this interview and starts saying that she is his wife. I knew he was probably still with the woman that he cheated on me with but I never would have thought that he married her. I was hurt… I was hurt because even though we aren't together it still doesn't change the fact that he was with me for six years of my life and he didn't ever make the step to marry me and he knew this girl for a few short months and next thing I know we are broken up and he's married!" I reply while shaking my head.

"What happened earlier was nothing that I ever could have imagined… I know that everything that I said may make it seem like I still loved him but that was honestly just the catalyst of the things that I was feeling. Those original feelings of inadequacy then took another form. All I could think was that I find myself falling deeper and deeper in love with you everyday." I start to say while tearing up. I am really trying hard to maintain my cool but I know my emotions are starting to get the best of me.

"Ana." He says while bringing his hands up to my face to wipe away the tears that are starting to slip from my eyes. Although I know that he is trying to be sensitive to my current state, I also know that he is freaking out.

"Hush I am not finished." I reply sternly before continuing with my thoughts. "As I was saying… I am falling for you Christian Grey and that scares the shit out of me. I wasn't so much upset because Logan was married. I was upset because I was with him for six years and I apparently was not enough for him, so I felt like if I couldn't be enough for him that I could not be enough for you. I thought he was supposed to be the man that I spent the rest of my life with. I thought I had such strong feelings for him until I met you. You are making me feel things that I never felt even with him. I am terrified that if I was never enough for him… than how could I ever be enough for you." I reply. There I said it. I have finally gotten this off of my chest. When I finally looking at my fingers that are resting on my lap and back into his eyes I am met with a very shocked expression.

"I don't expect you to say anything back… I know how I feel. I also have an inkling about how you feel for me. I know that I am not alone in this but I know you will tell me how you feel when you are ready. I just couldn't keep this to myself for much longer." I reply before leaving a kiss on his cheek.

"Ana I" He says while stuttering. "You can't love me." he says in an almost panicked tone.

"What do you mean? Of course I can. You can't help who you love." I reply while bringing my hands towards his face to remove the hair that has found its way onto his forehead.

"I am fifty shades of fucked up Anastasia. It is not you who is not enough for you but it is the other way around. I don't want to taint the light that lies within you."

"Then I guess I am tainted then. It is too late for that. I already love you and I don't want to let you go without even trying." I reply before silencing him by placing my lips on his. I start by kissing him softly, but soon it becomes even more passionate. Before things start to get too wildly out of hand.

"I am no good for you Ana." He says with his eyes still closed while his forehead rests against mine.

"I don't care. I know how you feel about me. I know that you want this too and I have tried to fight it just like you have and it doesn't work. I have told you before that trying to pull away from each other won't work" I reply stubbornly. He finally opens his eyes and removes his forehead from mine. Almost automatically, his hand reaches up to caress the side of my face. Naturally, I can't help but lean my face further into his palm.

"You don't love him?" He asks in a questioning tone.

"Not one bit." I reply.

"You are sure?"

"Absolutely." I reply confidently.

"I just can't bare the thought of having to share you with someone else. I am a selfish man Anastasia and I can't share you with him or anyone else."

"I am all yours." I reply before leaving a chaste kiss on his lips.

"Ok." He says before placing kisses along the corners of my mouth. "I can imagine that we still have so much more to talk about." He says in a somewhat questioning tone.

"We do. We still have to talk more about what happened the other night." As soon as I mention the incident that occurred the other night he automatically starts to deflate.

"I know."

"But we can do that tomorrow right? If I am being honest I have not slept all that great this week and we have made so much progress tonight I really just want to cuddle with you and go to sleep."

"Ok baby. We can go to dinner tomorrow together if you would like? We planned on doing that today anyway I can just change the reservation for tomorrow."

"I would like that very much." I reply before removing myself from his lap to get back into a lying position. Christian too starts to move himself into a sleeping position and before I know it I am drifting away into a deep and peaceful sleep for the first time in days.