A/N Hey, guys! This update is an actual chapter this time! I sat myself down and said, "You have got to finish this!" and I hope you enjoy it!
Hate was a bit of a strong word, it reprimanded me and I had to give it that, but that didn't make me regret the words any more. I trudged through the ice and snow, single-mindedly forcing myself onwards to the castle. The sooner I got there, the sooner I could concentrate on homework and anything other than the events of this morning. Geez, this weather is too miserable for anyone to enjoy, even if they grew up around it. What homework do I have to complete? Nothing too complex, I believe. A few essays at the most. In this manner, I occupied myself on the way back to the castle, keeping my mind on the mundane concerns of the day.
As I walked up to the castle, up the steps and into the Entrance Hall, I was still concentrating and didn't watch where I was walking. As such, I bumped into someone heading in a slightly more diagonal path to the marble staircase from one of the nearby hallways. Her books spilled to the ground, jolting me to reality. "Oh, I'm so sorry! Here, let me help pick up your books!" I bent to collect them, not noticing who it was. When I looked up, I started; I hadn't expected to run into Hermione. "Oh, it's you!"
"The one and only," she returned with a smile and helped me pick up her books. After glancing at a few titles, I noticed they were school related; did that mean she was no longer searching for Nicholas Flamel?
"Did you find the information you were looking for about that Flamel guy?" I asked as we got out of the way of the crowds who were flowing around us.
"Yes, I actually found it in a book I'd checked out for light reading," she explained vaguely, and I took that as a hint that she wasn't going to tell me who he was. Why the secrecy?
I replied, "Well, that's good. I'm sorry I didn't really help much; the whole thing sort of escaped my mind."
"Don't worry about it! It's just a silly side project, that's all. But how about you? What have you been up to lately?" Her question brought my mind back around to this morning's events and my face fell for a second. It wasn't for very long, but it was enough to make her ask, "What happened?"
"Nothing really, just some teenage melodrama," I responded nonchalantly, covering up even when I knew she could see right through it.
One eyebrow rose slightly, and she said, "Absolutely nothing? I don't think a little teenage 'nothing' would bother you. And you can tell me, you know. I offered to help you for a reason, and I don't intend to turn away when you need me."
I chuckled a little, "Don't you think you're being a bit presumptuous? I never said I needed you."
She was unfazed by the slightly biting words, "Well, if you ever do need me, I'll probably be in the Library. Don't hesitate to talk to me, okay?" Hermione walked away with her books and up the stairs.
Should I tell her? She accepted me for who I was when she found out that I was half-meta, and it wasn't in the best way either. Maybe it would be okay to trust her with this information. But then again, I don't want to relive this morning too many times; once to Jessica and Melanie will be enough. Then I imagined trying to explain the contents of my morning to the pair and being drowned out by squeals, unable to be heard and forced to prolong the torture of telling them. Hermione, at least, wouldn't squeal; she would sit and listen. It might be better to tell it once before, just to get used to saying it.
She had already reached the first bend in the stairs, but I had now come to the decision and was going to follow it through. Doggedly, I climbed the steps at a quick but unhurried pace, wondering where a good place to talk might be. As I rounded a corner, I saw her retreating figure probably on its way to, as she'd said, the Library. I took a deep breath and called, "Wait, Hermione!" The Gryffindor girl stopped and turned, a small knowing smile on her face.
"Yes?"
I strode over to her briskly to catch up and answered, "Look, if you really want to listen, I've just had a crazy morning and it would be nice to talk it through with someone more levelheaded than I happen to currently be."
"Well, if it's levelheaded you need, then I'm your girl!" We walked to a small classroom that was currently unused and pulled some desks together. I sighed, rubbing my eyes, and started at the beginning because there was no other place I could start if I wanted her to understand the whole thing.
"So, just to start this off right, I've had a bit of a crush on Fred Weasley since the beginning of the year. But a bunch of stuff has happened between us since the beginning and now I'm not sure what to feel anymore. See, this morning we snuck out of the castle by way of a secret entrance and went to Hogsmeade. He told me that George would meet us at the Shrieking Shack and they were going to go touch it. He said he wanted me to be there for his moment of triumph and that if I went to touch the Shack with them I would have his eternal respect or something." Now that I looked back on it, I was kind of ashamed that that was enough to get me out of the castle. I had broken a ton of school rules doing that and look where it had gotten me! Hermione also looked like she was silently telling me I shouldn't have done that, but she just gestured for me to go on.
"So we went, and we were talking and having fun all the way there. You know, just joking around as we walked because it was actually very long passage there. We finally get to Hogsmeade and walk to the Shrieking Shack, but when we reached the place we were supposed to meet, George was nowhere to be found. We waited for a bit, and then Fred decided we should go to the Shack without him. It was really creepy, but go we did. Both of us ripped off a bit of wood from the outside of the house." Seeing the look on her face, I continued, "I know it's a pretty unbelievable story; I just wish it really was a story so I could laugh it off and go on like it never happened." I recounted the rest of what happened: about talking with Fred about my crush, about going back to Honeydukes, and about what I heard George and Lee say. Though it was still freshly tender to even think about, I also told her of my fight with Fred. A tear or two may have leaked out, but I wiped them away quickly and Hermione pretended not to notice.
"I just feel like this whole thing is stupid sometimes. I really like talking to him, but I want to be able to feel comfortable in the knowledge that he appreciates me. I want to feel like he respects me, and trusts me, you know? And I'm not sure of any of those things. I 'm pretty sure I'm not just a friend, because look at everything that's happened to us, all the things we've done! We've run from Filch and hidden behind a tapestry together; he's invited me to a Quidditch game, and afterward we hugged; he's made me laugh and cry and definitely made me irritated; we've talked about my past, my present, and everything in between; he's helped me twice when I needed to go to the hospital wing; he managed to make detention with Snape at least a little bearable; and what I loved most about him was that through it all, he was just…Fred: he was real. But I feel like I can't share my 'big secret' with him without losing him, and now I'm not sure that I want to keep him anyway! What do you think about all of this?"
She was silent for a moment, thinking. When again she spoke, it was to say frankly, "I don't know. I've never been in this situation." I was severely disappointed by this and was about to get up and leave when she continued, "You left on rather awful terms, so any further conversation could be awkward, but if you really do like him, I'd say it was worth giving an apology a shot."
"Me?! Apologize to him?! He's the one who lied to me! And I'm not sure whether I 'really like him' or not anymore."
"You aren't the only one who needs to apologize, obviously, but he's a boy, and boys are stubborn blockheads. If you want to get the apology you want out of him, you might have to open up the channels of communication with him again."
I was torn. I didn't want to talk to him, or see him, for that matter, ever again. The whole thing was mortifying and cruel and stupid. What on earth convinced him that doing this was a good idea? Why would he go to such lengths? And while I do like him, it's undeniable now, why would it matter to him? It made no sense to me.
Hermione observed my brooding expression and the way my hair was slowly getting darker without my noticing, and once she felt I had sunken a bit too far into my emotional tempest, she interjected, "I can see you starting to sink yourself down into a nasty patch of quicksand, so I'm going to yank you back to a level state of mind. Focus, Alexia. Think about it like this. If you honestly feel that the best thing to do is cut off all ties with him, then do it. If you feel like there might be some hope of restoration, then go for it. You, not me, are the one who will have the deciding vote on the matter and you, not me, will be the one who does the action. Therefore, you must decide how you feel and whether or not there is value still left in the relationship - Sorry, I would usually say all of this more sympathetically, but you seemed to need a brusque talking-to more than a pat on the back."
I looked up at her as she spoke, listened to the words carefully, and thought them over. Through all of this, I still think I would like to go back to the way things were. But I don't know if that's really a possibility anymore. Everything would be so awkward between us; it would just be painful to try and mend the events of today. If he comes to me and tries to apologize or something, then maybe, but otherwise, I think I'll have to just…stop. The thought was depressing after I remembered all the times he'd made me smile, but could there really be any more of them now? With what happened today, I didn't know if I could ever really look at him without hearing Lee's and George's words, without thinking about all the times he's done something or other that caused me pain. There simply couldn't be a return to how everything was.
"Thanks, Hermione. You really helped me…get things straight, I guess. More level, you could say." I smiled a little bit with one corner of my mouth, a smile that emulated that of the person I was no longer a friend to, or whatever I had been. She gestured to my hair, making me check what color my head was sporting now, which was almost a full jet black. "Oh, right." I corrected the color while Hermione watched, and sent her a small look when I noticed the intrigued expression on her face.
"I still think it's really cool that you're able to do that," she explained.
I shrugged, "It's not as bad as when I first found out about it. Back then, I was freaking out and confused; I had no idea what to do. Now, I guess I'm coming to terms with it, but it's still one of those things that I don't want people knowing about, you know? People don't like those who are different."
"Well, consider this: wizards and witches in and of themselves are freaks of nature when compared to Muggles. Harry says that his aunt and uncle absolutely hate magic, even just mentioning it. Of course, they're rather unique in that outlook, but still. If we try to please everybody, we'll end up pleasing no one, least of all ourselves. You have been given an amazing talent that many can only dream of, so cherish it!" She was trying to cheer me up, and for that I was grateful, but she just didn't understand the possible destruction I could cause with this power. Something like that wasn't to be cherished, it was to be hidden away and used as sparingly as possible.
Again I shrugged, unconvinced. She sighed, "You'll come to see it one day. There's too much usefulness in something like this to ignore it for your entire life."
Usefulness is not exactly what I want from it: I want it gone so I can be normal. But I didn't tell her that. I just smiled a bit and replied, "Maybe someday."
Hermione collected her things, brushing her hair back behind her ears out of her face. "Well, I have some homework to do now. Would you like to come along? I'm sure you've got some, too."
Homework was something that I could do, something solid and helpful and straightforward. Homework was something to focus on, an anchor in the tumultuous ocean of emotion that I was starting to stem. Talking to Hermione actually did do a good job of helping me collect my thoughts. If only it will be this easy with Jessica and Melanie. I still had to inform them of the goings-on of the morning so far. Homework would have to wait until afterward.
"No, I have some things I need to do before I can really sit down and work, but save me a seat would you? I'll be in the Library within an hour at the most." She nodded and affirmative and we set off in different ways, her to the Library and I up, up, up to Ravenclaw Tower where my friends might or might not be. Finding them could be a bit of a problem, now that I thought about it. Melanie might still be with Max, and who knows where they disappear off to? Jessica could also be in the Library instead of the Tower, and that would be a whole waste of a trip. Unavoidably, though, I still had to check the common room.
On my walk there, I tried to image how I would word everything, but I was coming up with nothing but sentences that ended up sounding too bitter, betrayed, or angry. It also saddened me that even in my first year, I had to deal with crap like this. Drama was not what I'd wanted when I came here; I'd wanted to learn spells, make friends, and master the skills that would make me a successful witch, but along with that, I was also getting a healthy spoonful of distraction. I stopped walking, looking around at the students bustling around with their work, the paintings moving around in their frames and the staircase far to the left moving some poor third years away from the landing they'd be trying to get off on. Right then and there, I promised myself to keep my mind on learning, on homework, and not on boyfriends or other distracting relationships. This was a school, built to instruct young minds and house them, and I would honor that purpose.
Jessica, as it turned out, was almost finished getting ready when I arrived in our dorm room. She'd decided to sleep in as long as she pleased, probably because our workload was relatively light today. "Hey," she greeted cheerily, a grin on her face that told me she knew something of what happened. "How was your outing with Fred?"
Now I was confused. How did she know who I was with?! "Wait, how did you know I was Fred?"
A surprised look flashed across her face as she replied, "Wait, you really were with Fred? I saw you walk out earlier and didn't know where you were going, but I thought - actually, I had no idea what you were going to do, but I thought I'd be fun to tease you when you got back. But tell me, what happened?" She did the whole *wink wink nudge nudge* thing, but I only sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose.
"No, none of that. Just a lot of stuff that I would rather not talk about, but I'm going to anyway." The seriousness of my manner made the levity of hers evaporate. She patted the bed beside her and I sat down and pulled my shoes off, curling my legs up on the bed after. The whole story fell from my mouth again, probably more coherent than when I had rambled it to Hermione. My thoughts were more in line and I felt better able to deal with the stab that accompanied reliving this morning. While I spoke, Jessica listened with a serious and thoughtful face. By the time I was finished, the bed sheets that had been cool from a lack of body heat were once again warm.
Jessica didn't say a word; she just pulled me into a hug. It was nice, actually, not having to listen to the 'it'll be okay's and the 'he'll be sorry he ever did that to you's and the other assurances that most people would give. Some tears leaked down my face, but I hurriedly wiped them away. There didn't need to be tears shed over this: this was some stupid thing that would blow over soon enough. In a month or so, it wouldn't even matter, it wouldn't even hurt. But it hurt now.
She pulled back and gave me a small smile, "I knew you liked him." I sent her a glare, but she wasn't done, "But now I wish you didn't, so you wouldn't have to go through this. I'm sorry he turned out to be a bit of a scumbag in the end. A guy willing to lie for a reason as idiotic as that isn't good enough for you. Eagles always soar far above lions, you know." That last part brought a smile out, if just for a second. "Now come on, we've got homework to do, and I daresay we've procrastinated well-enough by now."
"What time is it?" I asked.
She checked her watch and a look of surprise flitted across her face. "It's nearly noon! How could I have let myself sleep in this long?!"
Jessica hurriedly finished gathering the things she would need to start on our homework and I walked over to my bag to do the same. Once I was sure that everything was collected and secure inside it, I slung it over my shoulder. Jessica was still hunting for one of her rolls of parchment. As I stood there, I noticed something was stabbing me in the side; there was a pointed something-or-other in my pocket. Reaching in, I felt around until my hand closed on the offending item. Pulling it out, I felt a fresh wave of sadness. It was the splinter I'd taken from the Shrieking Shack what seemed to be a million years ago.
"Aha! Got you!" cried Jessica as she finally located the roll. She stuffed it into her bag with her back turned, and I took the opportunity to place it on my bedside table. Jessica turned to me with a smile of triumph still on her face and asked, "Are you ready to go?"
"Yep, have been for the last half an hour while you got ready," I teased, ignoring the gloom from my discovery. We left, headed for the Library.
Later that night, as I lay in bed trying to sleep, I rolled over and looked at the little shard of wood basking in the silver moonlight. Many things had happened since it had been one with its origin. But that wood had stayed sharp and unyielding despite everything, even when its whole world was taken away from it. So that's what bravery looks like.
A/N So, just a little update on the progress of the story: I plan to finish this within the next few chapters, ten at the absolute most! We made it to the end! (well, almost but you know what I mean)