Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.
Genre: Romance
Characters: Matt, about Mello
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Mello makes no sense. I understand that. It makes it hard to have a relationship with him. I understand that, too. He and I will never really stop fighting. I understand THAT one really well. And yet... he's the one I want. Mello just... does it for me.
What I love about Mello is the juxtaposition, the contradiction. I'm a genius, and I'm very, very good at figuring people out, but I can't get a beat on Mello. The second I think I've got it, he goes off and contradicts himself. He doesn't even know he's doing it. He called himself bipolar once, but that's not it. He doesn't realize how consistently he's... well... inconsistent. He's a maniac. He's completely insane. He's an angry, raving, madman. And I'll love him until the moment I die.
He's so strong. He can lift just about anything you can point to, and he never loses a fight. He's strong inside, too. He can deal with so much pain, so much hurt. He can keep going after everything he's done, and everything that's been done to him.
But he's also weak. He hides it, but all the cruel things people say to him, he really does feel them. No one's immune to the kind of things people do to him. It kills him that, no matter how hard he tries and how much he works, he's just not smart enough. He's brilliant, but he's not Near, let alone L. They're on another level, one that Mello can never reach but won't stop trying to. And it drains him, makes him want to curl up, makes him feel like he is curling up even when he's going about his business. I saw him once. I never told anyone.
And he's so cruel. He'll do whatever it takes. It doesn't matter who he has to kill, who he has to torture, who he has to sleep with, who he has to rape. He'll do anything for completely selfish reasons, and he'll do it with a sneer.
...But he's kind. Gentle, even. When he touches me, there's no cruelty or violence in it. He has a soft touch and he can have softer eyes than anyone. Someone like him should have deleted kindness from his system a long time ago. He'll do little things. Like if there's a rock in the middle of a sidewalk, he'll kick it to the side when we pass so that no one will trip over it. This from the guy who kills people?
Mello has the energy of a three-year-old on a sugar high, minus the crash. He simply doesn't run out of steam. He's always loud, always moving, always thinking. He can't be slowed, and he certainly can't be stopped.
But he's so, so tired. You can see exhaustion in his eyes, if you're willing to look long enough to see past the energy. He's shot, wiped, beat, spent. You could knock him over with a feather, and yet he keeps going.
He's so emotional, but he's so blank. He's so calm, but he's frantically, frighteningly desperate. He's fire, but he's frozen. He's dead, but he's so very alive.
That's him. Contradiction. Mello, who you just have to accept that you'll never understand.
I've known him since I was four, I've loved him since I was nine, and I'll love him until my last breath shudders out of my smoker's lungs.
Because loving him brings me to life, too.
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A/N: Please forgive any typos. I typed it very quickly. I edited it, but the speed with which I originally typed probably caused a few errors that I missed.