The Shallow Grave of Secret Longing

Chapter 38

Lied again. This was going to be the last chapter but it would have been nearly 8,000 words long. Hope you don't mind me splitting it in two. The good news is the final final chapter is already written and will be posted in three days. Imaginary Beta just has to get off her butt and have a go at it and then it's ready.

Please let me know what you think. If you want to yell at me that's okay too but try not to make any smart-aleck remarks about the title of this chapter. I KNOW it's time to end this thing!

Disclaimer: No money made. No dreams fulfilled.

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Maybe It's Time

That night, Steve told him what had happened in the cave. Danny sat quietly; thoroughly stunned after Steve's calm recounting of it.

It gave the detective a whole new perspective on what had come about to so unglue his friend. A whole new appreciation of what the man had the strength to survive until he no longer could; until the pain had become too much.

He'd always known when things had been rougher than usual when Steve would return battered and even quieter from his infrequent but still far too numerous deployments but this was almost inconceivable . . . horrifying . . . he had no idea.

That his friend had survived it at all was a miracle in itself and, if Danny was completely honest, how Steve managed to hang on as long as he had without trying to permanently erase the memory of it . . . well, it too was something of a miracle but the lingering anger over what he'd done just wouldn't go away.

…

Over the next two months, the sessions with Esquivel continued and Steve continued to travel back and forth between Lanai and Oahu. The timing worked out well with the fishing boat pulling in late enough at the marina on Oahu so there was only enough time to get home, take a shower and get dressed before he had to be at Tripler.

He hated the wait until he was called into the shrink's office. It gave him too much time to anticipate whatever the gap-toothed doctor would ask of him. There would surely be things to be dealt with he'd just as soon forget. Danny and Kip weren't the only ones who could be relentless.

Esquivel was always amused at the way his patient approached his appointments as though it was his duty and he had a job to do come hell or high water. The commander would do it well and then leave quickly as he possible as though he'd completed a successful op and then withdrawn to await the next assignment.

He'd grown fond of this patient and looked forward to the little sparing matches it sometimes took to pry information from him. The walls of the fortress the man had built around himself hadn't fully crumbled but they weren't as high as they'd been.

…..

Steve loved the ocean and enjoyed having something constructive to do. Feeling he should be doing something other than ride along as a passenger, the SEAL had been providing any labor he could on the fishing vessel. Ha'upu had even begun to give Steve some of the catch to take to Kip; laughingly saying he had to pay his crew - even the part-timers and even if it was only in fish.

Kip was happy to have the fresh fare to share with her increasingly frequent guests. Even Mario Hakoda, the island's one and only cop and Kip's forever hopeful suitor had been coming around for dinner. After witnessing Howard and Kip together, he'd finally and reluctantly realized the woman would never be his and he had no chance to woo her away from the hardware man. It was time to move on.

Kip, once again exercising her 'inner sneakiness', a trait that had served her well in the past, would frequently invite the big cop and Keanu's mother Delia to the same meal. She hadn't missed the small display of goo-goo eyes that had broken out between the two.

Rabbit, of course, was completely horrified.

….

Danny had traveled with Steve to Lanai this time. Though he'd told his friend it was to get away from the bustle of Oahu for a day, (which Steve didn't really believe), his intention was to thank Kip in person for taking care of his partner and giving him refuge when he truly needed it. Danny shuddered to think what could have happened if the woman hadn't taken in the troubled man.

Proudly, she'd shown Danny all the work 'Stevie' had done for her and the detective had to admit it was quite impressive. The house was painted and its roof repaired, the garden hoed and its fence rendered goat-proof, the animal enclosures rebuilt and much more - but what made Danny chuckle were the bolts of cloth in the storeroom arranged so precisely by the print's predominant color. Steve, of course, hadn't been able to abide the chaos of Kip's storage system, or lack of it.

Perhaps there was truth to Steve's statement the time Danny had been house sitting for him and the SEAL had come home earlier than planned. The blonde hadn't time to clean up the chaos he'd created in his partner's absence. After staring open mouthed at the disarray of his normally well-ordered home, Steve had only shaken his head and said, "You do know that an orderly environment is the sign of an orderly mind don't you?"

It was encouraging to know the tall man now felt well enough to exercise his true OCD nature. It would certainly come in handy because Danny knew the supply room at H.Q. needed some serious organizing. None of the other three members of the team were brave enough to tackle the challenge and Chin had finally resorted to raiding HPD for printer ink. Only God knew where to find their own supply in the disordered jumble of Five-0's storeroom. Steve had been sorely missed for more than his leadership skills.

Someday, Danny would have to con his neat-freak partner into coming to his own untidy rat-hole of an apartment. He'd just give Steve a Red Bull and a can of Comet Cleanser and then turn him loose. Problem solved.

Danny and Kip sat companionably sipping tea from her battered stoneware cups. Steve had warned him not to drink too much of it and, in the unlikely event the subject of drug testing should come up, not to take any 'pee tests' for a few days after drinking it. The little detective was a bit startled at the warning but whenever the old woman offered it, he always accepted a cup.

Out the kitchen window, they saw the tall man kneeling in the grass and talking to the old dog who only looked at him warily. No one had ever managed to make friends with the decrepit but still fierce animal.

He'd never even had a name. Kip just called him 'the dog'. She usually let the animals name themselves. They'd have a trait or something that would distinguish them; hence the cat named Jack - as in One-Eyed-Jacks the card game, Koa - which meant warrior because the billygoat is so fierce, Houdini – for the rabbit's nearly tragic skill at escaping and etcetera. One of the exceptions had been Marilyn who'd already come with a name. Kip could only guess why the old farmer had named her that . . . something to do with large udders no doubt. She remembered the old guy also had a cow named Dolly . . . the old letch.

Kip was pleased Stevie hadn't given up his campaign to befriend the dog. She herself couldn't even pet the irritable animal without worrying about losing a hand. The creature was scruffy to say the least. Besides being old, his coat had never felt a brush; it was just too dangerous to try. Other than the day he'd allowed himself to be leashed and brought here, she hadn't been able to get near him.

"I'll be damned." murmured the old woman as Danny looked up at her quizzically from the distraction of the puzzle on the table; the one into which he'd begun to fit a few pieces.

"What? What's happened?" he asked as he looked out the window at Steve stroking the old dog's grizzled head.

"That dog's never let anybody touch him. I've had him for six years and he's never even let me closer than a few feet."

"How did he wind up that way, so wary of people?" asked Danny as he watched his friend carefully pet the old dog while speaking to it. The dog didn't look unhappy, maybe just a little cautious.

"He'd been chained and pretty much isolated from human contact for probably years before I rescued him. I don't think he's ever accepted affection from anyone. When it was offered, he'd always growl and back away. He's never learned that people can actually care about him."

"That's pretty sad. I wonder what's made him change his mind and let Steve near him?" wondered Danny aloud.

"I think maybe it has to do with aumakua." ventured Kip, her eyes clouded by sadness.

"What do you mean?" asked Danny, mentally chastising himself for not paying more attention to Gracie's Hawaiian vocabulary homework.

"The word can mean many things. This time, I think the term that comes closest is 'kindred spirit'." she sighed before taking another sip from the chipped cup.

"Steve has people who care about him. He just didn't realize it." said Danny

"Yes" nodded Kip in agreement, "Maybe now, they both know."

….

The dog stood cautiously looking at him but didn't back off. It had taken some time, actually quite a bit of it, for the animal to trust him even this much. He didn't think it was ever going to happen but he'd kept up talking to him and offering bits of food when he could. Pretty much the only response he'd gotten for the gesture was a low growl of warning if he came too close. Carefully, he reached toward him; ready to quickly retract his hand if need be. He smiled as he was rewarded when the animal didn't growl or flinch away from the soft stroke across the graying head.

He felt he owed the dog. That warning growl toward the tree-line that evening in the pasture had gotten him to move from where he was standing. He'd never really believed in the idea of guardian angels but there was a Hawaiian word that seemed to fit, 'aumakua'.

It had always been a role of the dice for him. Chance either kissed you or slapped you. There didn't seem to be a pattern for such things. The only thing one could do was to be prepared for the worst and somehow manage to appreciate the best when it came your way. He hadn't felt that appreciation in a long time. For whatever reasons, his life hadn't gone that way.

Now, he felt maybe things had changed. Was the dog somehow a spirit sent to help him? He knew it may be crazy to think so but the term 'crazy' didn't bother him that much anymore - sort of a 'been-there-done-that' kinda thing he supposed.

"Maybe it's time to come in from the cold, dog?" he whispered as the old canine leaned into his touch and seeming to groan in relief as it felt the hand cautiously stroke his head.

"Maybe it's time for both of us, huh?" he said a little more loudly as he gave the dog one final pat and gently ruffled his fur then stood to go back to the house.

…..

The days wore on and the sessions with Esquivel finally came to an end. The gap-toothed shrink was happy with what had been accomplished in the three and a half months of therapy. He was satisfied that, while the issue had been enormously critical, it wouldn't now be an ongoing one.

The savvy shrink knew an official diagnosis of ASD, (Steve had several of the symptoms that differentiated it from PTSD; reduced awareness, numbing, amnesia and etc.), may compromise Steve's ability to continue as part of the military. To leave the door open for his patient to return to duty, (should he choose to do so provided he could pass the psych eval), the doctor only listed treatment of specific symptoms rather than label his patient with what could be interpreted as an exclusionary diagnosis by someone in the Navy's chain of command.

It was now up to Steve to make the decision.

….

Steve nervously, (very nervously), waited for Catherine to deplane. Once again, she'd caught a flight on a military transport - one of the big C-130's. The monstrous aircraft finally came to a halt on the tarmac and after several long minutes, its huge cargo doors opened and several people in military fatigues clumped down the wide metal ramp.

What am I going to say to her? How can I ever make up for leaving and isolating myself from the woman I care about . . . well, okay . . . . love. There, he'd admitted it, he loved her but would the emotion be returned? How could it? Why would she want to stay with him when he'd taken off like that and shut her out? When she had to know how fucked-up he'd been, maybe still is.

Her chocolate eyes swept over the small group gathered to greet those trickling ahead of her down the broad ramp. There he is! He looks good - healthy. Her heart beat faster and she felt the old flutter in her stomach but she was worried. Will he still want me? She knew he had to be truly in pain to run like that and she wasn't there when he needed her most. Can I ever make up for not being there for him? She loved him but she hadn't been able to risk saying it. She didn't know if he felt the same. His rejection would devastate her.

There she is! He saw her eyes searching through the gathered awaiting those in uniform to emerge from the plane's gigantic metal maw. His heart began to thud wildly when he knew she'd spotted him and beamed in his direction. Swiftly, he covered the distance between them and as she reached the bottom of the ramp, she dropped her duffle to silently throw her arms around him.

His arms enfolded her as he buried his face in her hair; inhaling her scent while she pressed her face against his chest; listening to the strangely swift but reassuring beat of his heart. Want and need bonded their bodies to one another as they clung fiercely; two sets of eyes growing suspiciously damp.

They had a lot to talk about.

…..

Chin and Kono were overjoyed the morning their leader walked in as though he'd never left. He looked as he had many months ago, confident, clear-eyed and healthy. The office seemed to be immediately transformed with his presence. There was an energy to it they'd all so very sorely missed when he hadn't been there to provide it.

What was unusual was the box of coco puffs he plopped down on the corner of his desk as he called everyone into his office.

Though he'd spoken to his team regularly when they'd had the opportunity to go out to dinner or the cousins had stopped by with a pizza, they hadn't seen their leader as often as they'd liked and the details of the reason for his absence were never discussed. They knew enough - that whatever had happened during his deployment seriously messed with his head and he had to take some time to get it together again. Over time, along with gaining back most of the weight he'd lost; he'd begun to seem more relaxed; more engaged in his surroundings and his ohana. Granted, he still wasn't all that talkative but he'd never been that way to begin with. Whatever it was that caused the issue, they were overjoyed to see him back at work.

They'd gotten to meet two new friends, Kekipi and Howard. Kono in particular was fascinated by the woman who seemed to have no fear of anyone or anything. She'd never seen Steve so willing to acquiesce to someone else's wishes or Danny back down from an argument. Kono really liked her.

Kamekona had occasionally stopped by with one of his experimental shrimp dishes for his 'two favorite arms of the law' to evaluate. He was happy to see that life had come back again to the dark blue eyes that had so recently reflected only emptiness. It had so reminded him of the last time he'd seen his cousin Lihau, the one they called Joey, before he'd disappeared. Besides, he missed the man who was fearless enough to try any concoction he'd come up with even though the track record of such experiments wasn't all that great.

Cousin Ha'upu had told him the guy was of great help on the boat and the favor of twice-weekly round trips had been well worth it. The boat captain hadn't been expecting such hard work from such a skinny haole.

"Boss!" exclaimed Kono in a very uncharacteristically girly shriek. "You're back!"

She rushed forward arms outstretched before stopping to back off in embarrassment. At first startled, Steve smiled broadly before gathering her into a fierce hug and saying, "Good to be back."

Chin, a huge smile on his normally passive face clapped him on the shoulder in a very manly way before being totally taken by surprise when his leader unwrapped a long arm from his cousin to gather him into the hug as well.

Danny, the last one to make an appearance, immediately spotted the box of treats and made a beeline for it, saying, "Don't you dare try to hug me you ape. I just saw you yesterday." He grabbed a couple of the coco puffs and retreated quickly to the corner as though expecting to have to fight for them.

When the fond round of greetings was over, Steve cleared his throat and resumed what in the past they'd all come to recognize as their leader's 'official announcement' face as he crossed his arms and rested the backs of his thighs against the front of his desk.

"I . . . uhh . . . wanted to call you together to tell you what's going on or rather a little more of what's gone on with me the past few months."

Their leader's aquiline features were perfectly calm, no hint of what may be going on under the surface; in other words - normal Steve.

"I'm sure, being the astute detectives you are; you already have a pretty good idea of what's happened. I want you to know that I appreciate what . . . what you've done to help me out. I couldn't ask for a better team or better friends. No matter what happens, you are my ohana."

The cousins both glanced downward at their boss's and friend's stated sentiment as Steve cleared his throat before continuing.

"That said; I wanted to give you guys an out if you no longer want to have me as your leader of this team."

When Kono startled and opened her mouth to question his words and Chin actually muttered a surprised, "What?" Steve put his hand up to quell the response. The cousins immediately silenced themselves and, strangely, Danny only sat impassively watching from his seat atop the credenza, an uneaten coco puff gripped between his fingers.

Steve looked each in the eye in turn as he explained himself.

"As I'm pretty sure you already know, when I returned from my last deployment, I was a mess . . . both physically and mentally."

No one responded to the statement. They were still as carved figures while waiting for him to continue. In the silence, one could have heard an eyelash hit the floor.

"It took awhile to get both issues resolved." He looked down briefly to gather himself before speaking again. "One was much more difficult than the other."

Danny sat silently; knowing what was coming and sincerely wanting it to be over. He knew it had to be killing Steve to be this open – even with his ohana. It was painful to watch.

"I . . . uhh . . . I did something pretty stupid while I was gone and if I'm going to continue as head of Five-0, I feel you need to know about it." In turn, his dark blue eyes pinned each face with an unwavering gaze.

"If this was a military unit, I'd be reassigned to another outfit or possibly even to a desk if not bounced out on a medical discharge."

The three seemed to hold their breaths as they waited for him to continue. The tall man, face now slightly flushed, stood from where he was leaning and slowly removed his chambray button down to reveal the T-shirt beneath it and tossed it onto his chair. Taking a deep breath, he extended his arms outward toward them, palms up so the crooks of his elbows were clearly visible.

Kono looked at them and then up to his face, trying not to reflect the shock she felt. Chin looked up face almost impassive but with a saddened intensity in his dark eyes. Danny's face reflected only encouragement.

Steve stood for a moment displaying for his team, the scars he'd put there; waiting long enough for each set of eyes to flick upward to his face, before asking, "Now, do you still think I'm capable of being your leader? Do you still have enough confidence in me despite this?"

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Final chapter up on Tuesday – HONEST!

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