Chapter 38: Chronicles of a Roman Emperor
Xander spent the morning in his chamber writing. Like many times when he did his English homework, he had challenges writing what he wanted to say. He had filled a basket with crumpled pieces of paper. He felt like a fool who didn't know what he was doing.
When 3 o'clock came and he noticed that Julia was asleep, he took it as a good excuse to abandon his wretched attempts and go look for Trebonius. He had been a faithful bodyguard and sadly, aside from him and Buffy, the sole survivor of his ambush on Pulcher and his Praetorian guardsman. He deserved a meeting with him before his speech.
"What about Buffy?" Trebonius asked Xander, as if wary of entering unstable ground. In his experience in battle with Buffy and Xander, he knew those two loved each other very much and would die for each other. He had found out while in the palace of Severus' murder and Xander waiting in the wings to become Emperor. But he wanted to know why Xander was willing to marry Julia and adopt her children when he loved Buffy. "You do realize you are the most popular man in Rome right now, right? You don't need to marry her and adopt her children!"
"I don't know what to do," Xander replied as he poured wine into a cup. His manner was casual, but his interest sharpened immediately.
"You don't know what to do? You love Buffy and you are marrying another woman?"
"I have to become Emperor. I'm sick of hiding and waiting in terror for something awful to happen to me and my friends. Rome, with all its grandeur, is a sick place. To tell the truth, I don't know how I even made it this far. This city will eat you alive. I want to be safe."
"You know you can become Emperor without marrying Julia, right?" Trebonius asked. "You can marry Buffy by Jupiter!"
"What about Julia? Her children? They didn't deserve this. Should I just marry Buffy and let Julia be here with her children. She can carry herself very well you know… She can get me killed very easily."
Anger swelled in Trebonius as he pictured his friend, a strong, lost little man with puppy dog eyes, standing confusedly and far from the man who had led him and others to die for him and his cause. "Forgive me for being blunt, Xander, but you have become weak. You have let a woman dominate you and your actions. You can handle a strong, stubborn woman like Buffy but in front of this older, fragile woman, you are her dog?"
Xander shook his head as if to forestall the answer he sensed was coming. "She's very persuasive." He smiled wryly. "But she kinda grew on me, you know? She knows how to calm me down. Buffy just wants a fight every time I talk to her."
Trebonius took a deep breath. "I am positive your friends disagree with you on this," he whispered, and saw his face tighten. "It just doesn't feel right, Xander. I want you to do what's best for your safety… I want that more than anything. I am your bodyguard. But I'm not certain it would be the right thing to do."
"It is," Xander said roughly.
"Then if it is, would it be the right thing a month from now? Two months? Too much has happened. For all you know, she can manipulate you or behind your back, have your friends punished for their insolence towards her. She would make you turn against your friends. She would destroy your relationships."
The force of Xander's willpower shone out of his eyes, intensely brown and focused. "If I were to do what you said," he said in a slow, deep voice. "What should I do about Julia and her children?"
"Listen… I'm educated. But I'm also realistic. Obviously, I would do what Odysseus suggested and throw Astyanax from the walls-"
Xander frowned at him, not knowing what he was talking about.
Trebonius further clarified. "I would kill his children. But I'm also a good man and realistic. Exile is what you should do. Not just his children, but Julia too."
Xander looked at Trebonius with concern as he weaved through the familiar corridors of the Imperial Palace. He thought briefly about what Trebonius had told him minutes ago while he was in Trebonius' room. He was thankful he had gotten a different perspective on what to do. He had to hand it to Trebonius, he had been right. He was being dominated by Julia, a woman he's known merely for a week. She seemed to already accept that he was going to make her his wife and adopt her children. This only made him wonder about what he would gain from being her wife, and whether he had missed something.
"Once her kids get to a certain age, she will dispose of you like Agrippina Minor did to Claudius," Trebonius told Xander, opening his eyes wider.
Xander turned to Trebonius, his neutral face turning to a frown. "What did she do to him?"
"She poisoned him with mushrooms." Trebonius paused. "Her son then became Emperor."
Xander scratched his chin. "You know… all of those positive feelings I've had about marrying Julia have changed."
Trebonius looked at Xander skeptically. "It is?"
"Yes."
"So are you going to make a speech and deceive her or tell her before your speech?"
Xander considered this a moment before he said, "I wish I had more time."
"This is the biggest decision of your life. It will affect your friends' lives too. I don't want it to be something you regret but at the same time, you have to make it quick before someone else does."
"I know."
"So," Trebonius began casually. "Do you want me to give you a list of possible places to send her family into exile?"
Xander looked down to the ground. He was tired and had gone without sleep for nearly a day. Despite his fatigue, he was able to rationalize to himself, it would be better to send her family into exile.
"Yes," Xander told him. "Go on."
Just around the corner from where he stood, Willow and Dawn were in their chambers. Xander had decided to change his plans on the whim, due in part to Trebonius' convincing. He was dreading the fact he had to tell them, since it seemed they had grown an attachment to Julia's two boys. Now he had to tell them he was going to send those boys into exile with their mother, and act like he was strong enough to become Emperor.
He paused at the corner again, peeping just around it to see them. They stood there a good four to five feet apart. Willow was leaning against the wall while Dawn roughhoused a bit with Geta. Xander smiled; he was really going to miss the boys.
Suddenly, Geta stopped and turned around and started running towards where Xander had been hiding. Realizing he had been found and that he didn't have a chance to hide anymore, he stepped out from around the corner. Bending over he picked the little boy up with a small smile and let him giggle into his ears.
"Hey Xander. Getting prepared for your big speech?" Dawn said with a lopsided grin.
Xander suppressed his guilt as he walked over to the pair, placing Geta onto the ground.
"So you're feeling better about what you're about to do?" Willow asked. Xander barely managed a nod. "Great, now… we're going to watch you marry someone twice your age and frankly, boss you around all the time. Right?"
"A-actually, that's not going to happen," Xander said in a very small voice.
"All right! So you're going to give her orders! When to have sex with you and when not to!" Willow yelled. She stopped suddenly when Xander shook his head.
"I'm not marrying her."
"You're not marrying her?" Willow's voice had an skeptical tone to it.
Again Xander shook his head. "I'm going to marry Buffy."
Willow scrunched up her nose. "Buffy?" she said, "How?"
Xander almost had his face completely buried in his hands. "I'm sending her and her boys into exile," Xander said, realizing Geta and Caracalla were too young to understand what he was saying. Even then, Xander couldn't help but glance between his fingers over at Geta, who was on the floor observing him, and Caracalla, who was half asleep in the corner of the room. He then looked up from his hands at Willow with desperation written on his face. "I don't want to talk about their exile. Please."
"Okay, okay. We won't ask about that," Willow responded quickly. Just how are you going to exile them when you have this whole palace full of guards loyal to her husband."
Xander's voice was so quiet that Dawn and her were barely able to hear him. "In my speech."
"In your speech?" Willow yelled.
Dawn looked as surprised as she ever did. "In your speech? But those guards will kill you! You…"
Dawn stopped when she saw Xander's face. His eyes were huge and his face was so pale that it almost matched her face.
"I'm sorry," Xander whispered, pushing Geta gently into Dawn's arms. Turning back, he bristly walked away, his eyes filled with water, but the tears were not falling.
Willow started to go after him, but Dawn's hand on her arm stopped her.
"What?" Willow yelled over her shoulder.
"He needs to calm down. We should wait until he calms down."
"Didn't you notice him crying? He needs someone."
"He left because he was embarrassed. Give it a few minutes…"
Willow hesitated, then sharply nodded, yanking her arm out of Dawn's hand. A few minutes. In a few minutes, he could be giving a speech to the masses signing his death warrant. But maybe Xander was going to wait for his speech. She hoped it would be so.
Xander looked at the ground, up at Buffy and down at the ground again. He wanted to say something to her. It wasn't that he had anything specific to say, but he wanted to be able to hold a pleasant conversation for a few minutes.
"Xander?"
Xander jerked his head up. He hadn't thought yet what he would say if she talked to him.
He swallowed. "Yes, Buffy?"
She leaned over close to him, causing his heart to speed up. "What do you plan on doing this morning for your speech?" she whispered.
"Umm, I, I don't know, but, but…"
"You're going to marry Julia," she finished for him. "It doesn't seem that complicated for me."
Xander had no idea how to tell Buffy his plans for deception. "Buffy, well, I need to tell you…"
Xander broke off when he realized Buffy was no longer next to him. She had run ahead and was now walking next to Trebonius, who had came out from one of the corridors of the palace.
Xander looked to his right at Trebonius, whose eyes locked on with his. "Yes, Trebonius?"
"I've got some places…"
Xander's eyes went wide. "Can you wait while Buffy and I discuss something important?"
Silence passed by both Buffy and Trebonius with her just watching him, with complete admiration. "Are you doing okay, honey?" Buffy asked Trebonius.
Trebonius looked away from Xander and faced her, with the same smile. "Yes. How are you doing, Buffy?"
"I'm doing good." She was about to add something but she realized Trebonius' face revealed he was distracted by Xander's gaze. "You want to wait for me and Xander to talk?"
He just answered her with a smile and walked away.
After a minute, Xander walked over to Buffy. He let out a short burst of laughter and kept walking, nudging Buffy to walk with him.
"Why don't you let me and Trebonius talk? He was one of the reasons why we survived, after killing those Praetorian guardsmen!"
"Hmm, what? I know that, Buffy." Xander shrugged. "I need to tell you something more important than what Trebonius was going to say."
"And that is…?"
Xander smiled down at Buffy. "I'm not marrying Julia."
Buffy looked confused. "What are you talking about, Xander?"
Xander smiled. "I'm going to make a speech where I send Julia and her boys to exile. I will marry you." Buffy was relieved.
Buffy looked back at Xander and smiled, immediately brightening. "Thank you, Xander."
"I feel guilty but I have to do what's best for my friends and you."
"Xander, well…" Buffy stopped and looked up at Xander with wide eyes. "How are you going to get away with that? All of these guards loved Severus. Her wife I bet they loved just the same."
"That's something I don't know… I might need to talk to Cato…"
"Why Cato?"
"He knows Rome. He's been in this city for a while. He might know what to do."
Buffy nervously pulled the collar of her robe a little tighter. "Um, well, Xander. I'm on my way to the baths."
"Don't tell anyone of this matter. Go back and tell Willow and Dawn not to tell anyone either. Not even Cato. I want to tell him myself."
Buffy just stared at him.
"Anyone who knows about this, including Julia, can have me killed…" Xander finished.
Buffy swallowed. "I know. I won't. I mean, I will not tell anyone of your plans."
Xander smiled. "Good."
Cato's portion of his chamber had been transformed into a command post. Men and women were walking briskly in and out as Xander arrived.
Xander found Cato chatting with a few women servants, his eyes switching from one woman to the next. No one seemed to notice Licinius, who was issuing orders like a general to his palace workers. He had been shamed just moments before for leading Severus' murderer into his chambers. He seemed to have let that go and go about his business.
"I hope I'm not interrupting anything, Cato," Xander said, not bothering to restrain the sarcasm as he sat down on a chair beside Cato.
"Xander." Cato's eyes lit up and he motioned for the servants to go outside of his chambers.
"I need to talk to you about something important."
"Good." Cato adjusted his seating on his chair and glanced over at Licinius, who upon Xander's arrival had ceased giving orders and had a nervous glance directed at Xander. Cato noticed Licinius' tension and laughed lightly. "I hope you don't mind him. He needed a place to work since most of his officers were not at their post."
Xander glared at Licinius but eventually his anger gave way to tolerance.
"I know you're angry, Xander," Licinius said. "I brought the murderer into Caesar's room. We all miss him terribly. You know I am sorry, right?"
Xander nodded, carefully watching Licinius. He wondered what Licinius would do now, that his employer Severus, was dead. Xander certainly didn't want him as a bodyguard once he became Emperor.
"Licinius is actually just telling guardsmen the news of Caesar's death. It is very gloomy in here," Cato told Xander. "Most of the men have not been told yet-"
"How many soldiers have been told?" Xander broke in.
"Licinius has done about three or four."
"He'll have to quit it. I've got a speech to make very soon and I need to be the one who tells them."
"Xander, you know it is better for this news to be done in private," Cato told him sternly.
"Why private? Me becoming Emperor depends on telling them in public! If you tell them in private before my speech, they will suspect foul play and assume a conspiracy was hatched!"
"No one believes it was a conspiracy, Xander. Everyone saw them attack our gates," Licinius told Xander, referring to the Praetorian guardsmen.
"They did. Listen," he said, directing his attention back to Cato. "Maybe it'd be best if you knew what my speech is going to be about before you decide how our palace guardsmen should be told about Caesar's murder."
"Fine. What is your speech about?"
Xander shook his head at his predicament. He didn't know if Cato had the patience to listen to a lengthy explanation. He had looked like he had gotten no sleep and seemed frustrated at the night's occurrences just as much as anyone else felt.
Palace guardsmen and servants were crammed all around his room, spilling out into Willow and Dawn's chambers and jostling one another.
Other palace workers stood in the doorway, gawking, doing their best to find out what they could. Rumors washed like floods through the palace corridors.
At this point, Xander had begun to decide whether or not he should tell Cato of his plans with Licinius present. But with Licinius in command of palace guardsmen, maybe he could get his support and his speech would not be so tense in not knowing what guardsmen would do.
Cato straightened. "Well, Xander?"
"I'm going to announce myself taking over as Emperor," Xander explained, "but I'm also going to do something that might offend palace guardsmen." Xander whispered to Licinius, "What if I exiled Severus' wife and his children?"
"Riot," Licinius replied. "You know how angry our Romans are at what happened. They are going to look for any excuse to tear this palace down. They loved Severus."
Cato looked confused. "Exile?"
Xander and Licinius exchanged glances, and Xander considered how much to tell Cato straightaway. He wouldn't lie to him, but he wouldn't put it in such a term as if he was punishing Severus' wife and children.
"I want to take Julia and her family away from this mess here. It'd be too much of a shock for them to assume a new leader. They need to take some time away from the city," Xander said. "I want to take full responsibility of the affairs of state."
Cato seemed to consider this information. Then he shrugged and held up his hands. "Hey, if you're expecting me to give you advice on this matter, my son, you are talking to the wrong man. I heard you agree with her to marry her and that she would pay her guardsmen double to protect you. Now you are going to send her away? Does she concur with this?"
"No." Xander clasped Cato's shoulder and then his attention was caught as Licinius looked stunned.
"Treachery?" Licinius stared around, his eyes wide. He was surprised none of the men inside have caught what Xander had said. "You are going to tell her, say it, what shall you do?"
"I am not going to tell her. She will find out in my speech."
"This is not good news," Licinius murmured. "She's paying double for your protection and you will betray her. What kind of man are you?"
"I'm a good man. I'm not killing her. I just need her away. She is too overbearing for me and my friends…" Xander said with a frown, and Licinius groaned.
Despite the Emperor's murder and the constant threat of danger, Xander was happier than he had been in a long time, and he knew Cato was, as well.
"If she and I marry, it would essentially be a joint rule. She feels that she is entitled to power since her late husband was once Emperor. I would be under threat of danger constantly since she has friends with all of the guardsmen here," Xander pointed out, and Cato agreed.
Licinius didn't move, and just sat there searching Xander's eyes as though he could find the answers in them. "Why are you doing this? Furthermore, what makes you so certain you can get away with this? Your betrayal will be in front of all of her guardsmen." He paused and then said loudly, "my guardsmen!"
"I…" Xander hesitated. "It took me a while to realize that she is using me for her and her children's sake. When her children get older, she will just find a way to get rid of me for them…"
There was a heavy silence, and Licinius finally said, "I know what you are talking about, Xander. But she has always been loyal to her husband, Severus. What makes you feel she will be disloyal to you?"
"She hasn't been loyal to her husband." Xander heard the pain and bitterness in his voice. "She and I had an affair before Severus was killed."
Licinius was staring at him in disbelief. More than that, he was disbelieved that it seemed everyone in the room was busy and not hearing what was going on. At one point, Licinius felt like telling everyone what Xander was saying but another, he felt sympathy for Xander that he had not expected. "So you were intimate with her before… her being a willing participant?"
"She approached me first. She said she was sent by Severus to make me happy. She seemed to have an admiration for me and she was attracted by what I have done and my story of getting here than anything else." Xander was talking faster, now that his bottle of guiltiness was open and Licinius was listening instead of judging, it was coming more easily. "It was tough to cheat on Buffy like that. I let my impulses get the most out of me. The way she looked, smelt… she was so beautiful. Even now, I am having an affair with her, unbeknownst to Buffy. God, I love Buffy more than anything in this world. Why do I do this to her…"
As silence again fell, Xander leaned his head against the wall. Inside he felt hollow. Hollow and empty, but a little bit free after opening himself to Cato and Licinius. He whispered, "So now you know. You probably don't believe me. I won't blame you for that. What I can blame is myself for my actions. Julia was a willing participant but I could have said no."
"I believe you, Xander," Cato said firmly. "And I'd like for Julia and her family to get out of this mess. Whether it is done by betrayal or not, what you are doing is best for you and your friends."
Licinius stiffened. "Now… you need to tell me everything you can about what you want me and our guardsmen to do."
Xander glanced at Licinius and gave him a grave nod. "Yes."
Xander had returned to his chambers, where Julia was now gone from her bed. She must have been searching for him, he surmised. He had been at his desk for a half hour or so, often putting his head down on his desk for a brief nap. He had instructed Licinius to tell his guardsmen that he was going to send Julia and her children far away for their safety, since it sounded less offensive than putting them in exile. He told Licinius also that he would announce himself as becoming Emperor and that he would pay guardsmen extra money so they could be satisfied. Meanwhile, Trebonius had gone back to his chambers and retrieved a map showing places where Xander could send Julia and her children to exile. When Trebonius came into Xander's chambers, he was accompanied by a young servant boy.
"Caesar," Trebonius saluted.
Xander turned his head toward Trebonius and smirked. "Call me Xander."
"As I told you earlier, I have the places. It is possible we can add more-"
He was cut off by Xander's deep, husky voice. "Just show me."
With fluid ease, Trebonius produced a crumpled map from his pocket. Xander gratefully took it from Trebonius.
"I thank you for doing this, Trebonius," Xander uttered, digesting all of the contents of the map. He could tell where Rome was and his eyes searched the farthest place he could send Julia's family. On the farthest point of the small map, he saw a city called Sardis. It was separated from Rome by the Mediterranean Sea. "Now… what about this place called Sardis?"
"Yes Caesar!" Trebonis perked up instantly. "Sardis is a wonderful option. It is a city of great wealth and it is a place no one in Rome would perceive as a punishment."
Xander made it back to his feet. "You mentioned something about its great wealth. What does it have there?"
"Yes, Caesar," Trebonius replied eagerly. "It has an exquisite water supply that was donated by Emperor Claudius. It has a theater, stadium, a temple, and a gymnasium."
The room was spinning now for Xander, and the future Emperor could hear a distinct ringing in his ears. "And how do you suppose we can put her on a boat to there without her coming back?" Xander put his hand against his workbench for support.
"That can be arranged. Caesar." There was a clang as the iron door opened behind Trebonius, who now advanced on Xander with nervousness in his eyes. He knew it was Julia coming inside the room. "Give me the map. I will hire a group to force her and her children out. Best of luck to you, Xander." He grabbed the map from Xander's hands and turned away, heading for the open door, squeezing past Julia without acknowledging her presence.
Julia reached Xander, and put her free hand roughly on his shoulder. "Dear, where did you go? What were you talking about with Trebonius?"
"We were just talking about our experiences and stuff. I'm glad he's okay," Xander replied. A sickening feeling rushed through him suddenly, knowing he was actually starting to put his betrayal to action. "Where did you go, Julia?"
"I was searching for you, my dear," Julia said soothingly. "It seems that you are feeling tired. You must not. Your speech is due to happen quite soon."
Xander nodded. "I know."
"I do believe I got an idea for what you should say," Julia murmured. She handed Xander a scrap of paper, then watched Xander carefully as he scanned what was on it.
"Wow," Xander said, looking up. "You want me to mention that I killed Severus' murderer?"
"Yeah, it was just an idea I had," Julia said, blushing. She was filled with excitement and joy that Xander would accept her idea with praise. "I know Buffy was the one who did it. But admit you did it and you are going to get them on your side," she mumbled.
"So I'm going to be like Macbeth," Xander said.
"MacBeth?" Julia asked, puzzled.
"Well it's just a play I know about. He killed the previous king's servants in revenge for them killing the king. In fact, he was the one who killed the previous king but anyways…"
"So are you in favor of this idea?"
Xander nodded. "Yeah. It wouldn't hurt me. I'll just say I did it in a fit of anger like MacBeth said." Xander paused a moment before adding, "Is it okay if I lie about this when it concerns your husband?"
Julia smiled happily, but her eyes were filled with sadness. "Do I wish my husband was still here? Of course. But I have to move on and do what's best for my family." She reached out and clasped one of Xander's hands in her own. "You are my husband now, Xander. I want you to be safe."
"I will not dishonor Severus," Xander assured her.
"Of course you wouldn't. If you were the sort who would, I would not have ever considered marrying you in the first place. Or," she added with a sly look, "I would not consider marrying you at all if I felt you would dishonor me."
"I would honor you," Xander said. Somehow Xander was doing a good job of deception. But at the same time, he was feeling more and more guilty at what he was planning to do.
Julia nodded, turning away as she dabbed at her moistened eyes with her fingertips. "We should go to the gates where everyone is," she said, her brisk tone signaling that she'd like to move on and start his speech, "and perhaps prepare ourselves for what can be some unpredicted events."
Xander followed her out of the door. "There will be some unpredicted events I guarantee you," Xander said, implying his betrayal would occur to her shock. He mentioned this not to be arrogant but to hopefully, in some way, get Julia prepared emotionally for what she would hear from him.
"You may be right," Julia replied.
"But I-"
"Who is this?"
It was Buffy.
"Good morning, Buffy," Julia said cheerfully.
Buffy nodded at her, then turned to Xander and grumbled, "You look as if you're about to be executed."
"And that is such an unrealistic possibility, huh?" he shot back.
"If you're lucky," Buffy muttered.
Xander just gave her a look.
Buffy smirked right back in return. "And are we about to give a speech or what?"
"Yes, we are," Julia replied. "You can go inform your friends about it," Julia added forcefully.
"I can do it after a minute," Buffy muttered, feeling the tension between Julia and her. "Actually… I don't know if I should rather just accompany you Xander and watch your back, instead of being in the audience."
"You can be in the audience," Julia said.
"We are more to him than you are," Buffy said dismissively. "We were there for him when he needed us, and-" she motioned to a note Xander was carrying between his fingertips- "what's this?"
"Just a brief note for my speech," Xander answered.
Buffy snatched it away from Xander and glanced over it. She quickly let out a snort and swung around to face Julia. "You want him to say Xander killed Severus' assassin?"
"Yes… I know you did, but it would-"
"Don't the Romans know he killed Pulcher. Isn't that enough? I don't want everyone assuming he's killed so many men," Buffy stated.
"You don't get to make those decisions," Julia snapped. "You haven't even been in politics before."
Xander shrugged. "Neither have I."
"Well, it may be true, but you are taking guidance from me. I know a thing or two about politics," Julia felt compelled to point out.
"I'm going with Julia's decision, Buffy, and that's final," Xander announced.
She would have been annoyed by his arrogance, but the truth was, she knew he was acting and she was mostly just amused. "Very well," Buffy said. "You do what you feel is necessary, Xander."
"Good," he grunted.
"I like how you are handling her, Xander," Julia put in.
"Me too," Xander told Julia. He glanced at Buffy. "Now you should get your friends," he said in a caustic tone.
"Yeah. I'm going to find Willow, Dawn, Cato, and Brittany," Buffy said. "They don't want to miss this."
"I doubt they would," Xander said.
"I'll be back," Buffy replied sweetly, giving him a smooth pat on the arm.
Julia quickly swallowed a laugh. Xander hated how Julia was reacting, and Buffy knew it.
"Goodbye to both of you," Buffy said, turning to face Julia once before turning to Xander.
"Oh, right," Julia murmured. "Bye."
Buffy just grunted.
"Okay, I'd better go get them," Buffy said, and she turned and hurried down the corridors of the palace.
Julia let out an impatient breath. "You have too many women around you, Xander. All you need is one."
"One that you love."
It wasn't the nicest way of putting it, but it wasn't exactly inaccurate so she just said, "Well, yes, I suppose."
For a moment he said nothing, but he was watching her strangely, almost matter-of-factly, and then he said, his voice quiet, "You will be find a man that does. He would be a fool not to fall in love with you."
"Oh," she said, quite at a loss for words. "That's… That's… quite the nicest thing you've said to me until now. But based on what you told me earlier, then that would make you a fool…"
He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.
"Julia," Xander said, looking tired and weary.
"I would never play you like that. You…" he cleared his throat. "You should be happy."
"I-" It was a strange thing for him to say, considering what they had shared together a few hours before. She hadn't the faintest clue how to reply, and so she just changed the subject and said, "You know what to say for this speech?"
He looked at her quizzically.
"I know you don't love me, Xander," she continued. "Last night was one of the best nights I've ever had. I've seen couples where one of their loves is not reciprocated but after time… they can love each other. It can work for you with me… I know it…"
He smiled, but the sentiment didn't quite reach his eyes. He didn't look angry, but hollow.
Julia was struck at how Xander appeared.
"Er, last night," Xander said, reaching up and tugging at his armor. "If I said anything to upset you…"
Julia watched his face. It was so dear to her, and she knew every last detail of it. But something was different now. He'd changed, but she wasn't sure how.
And she wasn't sure why.
"Everything is fine," she assured him.
"Anyway," he said abruptly. "I'm sorry for what I have said and what I might say…"
As they walked towards the front gates where Xander would give his speech, Julia wondered what Xander was actually apologizing for. And she couldn't escape the feeling that she wasn't cognizant of how he was feeling. Maybe, after his speech, she might know.
End of Chapter 38. Feedback much appreciated.